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banalor
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| Reconstruction. Stay tuned
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Pathetic are those who hide behind an email address.
Put your name to it. |
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I can't really say that 2009 was a bad year. Interesting and chock full of changes, a rollercoaster ride of emotions, learning and growing, and a few marvelous new experiences.
The knowledge I have gained about myself I will carry into this year. I will no longer be silent about my desires and needs. I will do my best to be a friend where it is wanted and to not force myself where I am unwanted.
2010 is going to be about the acceptance of me as a whole. Every aspect of my life has to be accepted by me first before it can be accepted by anyone else.
I regret nothing from the past year, even the hurts and the tears had their purposes. The confused times and lost times made me look at things in a different light.
People I met changed my life in ways that I simply am at a loss of words to express.
I go forward with new hopes and dreams. Yes, I do take with me some wounds that are not yet healed, but that's ok. That's a part of me and I am still a beautiful person even with those wounds.
As for any resolution I might make, it is this: To be true to me. To speak up for me. To achieve what it is I want. To give myself the love and care I deserve. To take better care of myself and to surround myself with happiness and light and laughter.
Yes 2010 is all about me, and I'm sure that will have profound, positive effects on everyone in my life. |
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You domly types never cease to bring the amusement to my life. I know if I need to smile, I simply just need to open up my messages here or offer up my yim and the laughs will just start coming. But, ahem, the laughs are the only thing that will be coming... |
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Trust---it's all based on trust and once it is lost it is almost impossible to get back. When we are in a D/s relationship, we submissives/slaves, are always made to feel unworthy or fake for questioning the trustworthiness of someone we are involved in. Basically, when you look at it, it is a very unequal balance. We are to trust that what the Dom says he is going to adhere to. This exists outside of the lifestyle as well, but it seems far more acceptable to question your boyfriend when 1+1 suddenly equals 4. But question your Dom and it's a whole new game? I don't get this at all.
We trust as much as we can, but let's face it, what is said and done when we are not around is really only known by one person. So when someone says I'm not going to play with anyone else or scene with anyone else or fuck anyone else...how are we to know that is what is truly happening? We can't be around 24/7 even if we are living 24/7. And sometimes there are little clues that seem to support the little gut feeling you are having. But as submissives/slaves, we usually don't bring it up because we do not wish to appear unworthy nor do we wish to upset the almighty Dom.
I don't hide behind my submissive nature anymore. I wish I didn't before, it would have answered so many questions for me, eased my mind and probably not make me feel so acidic towards certain people. I doubt it would have changed the outcome, but at least I wouldn't have felt like such an outsider. That is all on me.....but never again
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I have been spending quite a bit of time reaching out to those in the Denver Scene lately. It might seem a bit out of the blue, but I am going to be relocating there and am really hoping to make some friends before hand so that it's not so awkward to venture out once I am settled. Thought I'd put that up here in case anyone is wondering why a hick from Illinois is viewing some profile in Colorado.
Hope to see and meet some of you all very soon.
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My laugh for today....
A message I recieved from someone claiming to be a real female dominant....
"has MY bitch lost interest in chatting"...
really? seriously?
Wow thank you oh so much for chuckle. I apologize if it seems I lost interest, that's not the case at all. Truth of the matter is, I never HAD the interest in the first place to lose it.
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A few thoughts on Polyamory.
I myself have delved into this thorny bush a handful of times now. I can say without a doubt that the reasons it did not work in the past had mainly to do with my lack of understanding of the ways of the heart. However, as I have learned through a harsh reality of late, it is quite possible to love more than one person and love all parties quite deeply.
It really does require being in another's shoes before you can see their side of life. It's been an eye opening experience, one that I care not to repeat.
Had I gained this understanding some time ago, things might very well be different. The whole last years of my life might be different and I can't say that is necessarily a good thing. A great many hurts and a ton of ick could have been prevented, yes, but at the same time, I wouldn't be the person I am now and have known the people I have had the chance to know. My current situation wouldn't be what it is and that is something I wouldn't change for the world.
It's just quite nice to be able to "get" what people talk about.
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To Thyne Ownself Be True!
Pondering today about all the times I've tried to make myself into something I'm not, convincing myself that I was ok with things that I really am not ok with all because I thought whatever would turn out in my favor.
I would rationalize it that it was a growing period for me. Although I understood that I wasn't what I said I was, and felt the conflictions arise when I was pretending, I kept telling myself it would all work out just fine.
I believe that it was insecurity and the desire to be accepted by certain individuals that led me to "accept" the false truths I told myself. The need to feel that I was better than I am, even though I am just fine as me.
I really am a great person all on my own. I don't need to accept another way of anything in order to be appreciated by the world or even one single individual.
I am comfortable with the fact that there are things I simply cannot be. I will no longer strive to achieve that which is not true to my being. That does not mean I will ever stop wanting to learn and perhaps even understand such things. I just refuse to smoosh myself into a template that does not fit.
"When one is pretending, the entire body revolts"
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I sometimes wish I could pluck out this part of me and lock it away. It has been the source of much drama, heartache and confusion. I have, in the past, tried to live my life as if this thing were not a part of who I am. I ignored it, turning a deaf ear on it's cries and pleas to be acknowledged. I suffered. I suffer still. This need within, this aching desire, it begins to choke off the very breath I breathe and it feels as if I could cease to exist without it.
I can only shut it away for so long. I can only pretend I am something other than what I am for so long.
Someone told me a while back that this is a choice we make, and that if I truly wish to change all I need to do is make a different choice.
There is no choice. Just as my body would weaken and wither if denied food and water, my spirit would wither and fade if denied the affections it is that I crave.
It's a delightfully viscious circle. Starve the beast and it grows hungry, feed the beast and it becomes ravenous. There really is no sating of the desires, no true fulfilling of the need. And when it is all said and done, there is no choice to be made. |
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| Age: 23 |
| Los Angeles,
California |
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