Sometimes you have to try things without concrete boundaries or cogent structure.

I want to meet someone who crashes against me, whose very essence trickles down my throat and consumes me from the inside,out.... Who wakes and thinks about me, sleeps and dreams about me....exists to share me......

I can take everything because I can give everything......

Why do I crave,desire need pain? because without it my inner equilibrium is teetering on the periphery of insanity.

I wasn't conditioned to accept pain in replace of love, I find some make the misguided connection that I must have suffered immense brutality at such an innocent infantile stage that I don't understand the difference.. I do. and if I had place for only one in my life I would absolutely choose pain.

I don't remember my awakening, there is no noteworthy event that suddenly enriched my senses with the illustrious delights. it's always been my constant companion, comforting me when I felt I could gain no contentment from the most attentive embraces.

Whispering words of sweet devotion while barely touching the softness of my skin,holds no invitation to me.

Hold me tight,so close that bruises flush the skin before our exchange of moments ebb away.. give me gifts to treasure and recall... I want more than love, I want to drowned in the ocean of anguish be swept away on the tide of torment and know that within the vortex of swirling delirium an anchor will be found, and in those chains i will find my sanctuary

If I could only keep the bruises and scars in a folder of keepsakes, choosing each precious piece like a gem and wearing each one with equal egotism.

Why do I crave, desire,need pain?
because I want to always feel alive,
I want to burn in the knowledge that I have truly experienced passion in its truest form.

My words, thoughts, desires, needs.. please don't use any of them without asking me first, thank you.

Have you ever had a conversation with a person who really has no interest or understanding of what it means or feels like to enjoy, crave, need...pain??

I didn't want to go into extensive detail, scare, shock or just confuse him....so this is basically how I broke it down....

Because i covet the febrile intensity ...see if you trace your fingertips over someones skin the feeling will perhaps be pleasurable for the duration of the touch...but when you stop...the sensation will die just as abruptly leaving you with nothing ...but pain...it lingers...it reminds ...it seduces the mind...it demands to be first....

And I want to be the trophy 1st place takes....

He looked at me and said..........

You are......Strange and Unusual

A nerdy chick, I love gaming xbox, warhammer, romance, horror, comics,science, mma, off road biking, rowing, visiting historical places and museums, a cultural sponge and lover of all things macabre   

So this time last week I was packing for a night away and starting to feel really excited about the future and how full of possibility and purpose things were looking, I had met a guy who I was attracted to physically, emotionally and mentally, we had met already, spoke daily and decided to finally become more than just acquaintances which was a really big thing for me since my trust has been kicked to pieces too many times over the years.

I arrived all nervous but excited, we were both tired from work but had a pleasant enough evening,chatting, watching cricket doing..stuff.... its important to both of us that our bdsm relationship interweaves with vanilla life and things aren't staged or theatrical. I cant remember the last time I spent a full night with a guy without going home but I didn't feel awkward or shy and I really did fall asleep thinking I could get use to this...

The next morning things felt a little different, just something.. not exactly wrong, but not the relaxed feeling of the previous evening I put it down to neither of us being that use to sharing personal space in a morning and really tried to shrug off the feeling but he pretty much suggested it was time to leave mid afternoon and I started to gather my things feeling like I had unknowingly done something incredibly wrong. I told him I was fine finding my way back to the station when in truth I really wasn't, I needed him to assure me I hadn't been a disappointment or he had unexpectedly changed his mind , that I hadn't displeased or offended him in some way, when he said.. ok.. I literally fought to hold the tears back till I got outside I found the station and nervously pulled out my phone hoping to find a text,


There wasn't one.

I plucked up the courage to send him one after waiting almost an hour hoping at some point he would surly text to ask if I made it safely to the station,..it read... I do not know what I did wrong but I am sorry...

He replied.. you did nothing wrong I just needed time on my own..
We had barely spent 24 hours together...

The situation appears to have deteriorated since then,apparently his work load is hectic,hes no time to spare till next week, not even to talk, we have gone from extensive daily contact to nothing... not even a good morning or good night.

I shared things with him, I let him behind walls and under barricades I felt it was finally the time to try again..

What a crock of shite right....

 I could ask you all why do people do this but the reality is quite simple... because they do.....

“I've solved the mystery: You have to submit silently. Open up, let go. Let anything penetrate you, even the most painful things. Endure. Bear up. That's the magic key! The text comes by itself, and its meaning shakes the soul ... You mustn't let scar tissue form on your wounds; you have to keep ripping them open in order to turn your insides into a marvelous instrument that is capable of anything. All this has its price.”

--
Klaus Kinski
--

Anais Nin diary entry 1932
- “I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don't mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don't mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.”

Strong men simply need women. This will never be understood by weak men. A strong man needs a woman at his feet, who is truly his. Anything else is less than his fulfillment. When a man has once eaten of the meat of gods he will never again chew on the straw of fools.
--Explorers of Gor--