Its almost been 12 years since I entered into my first M/s relationship. I had very little then, I had move from Scotland to England and I had only been dressing in my chosen gender for about a year at this point. I sometimes say I became a woman that year, but truthfully I always was a woman, but I was just forced to be something else for 21 years. I met someone online and we chatted, He was just coming out of a relationship with his ex. Later on I was to find out she had not even moved out yet, but that's not point of this story. We spent a lot time talking on internet, and being very honest with each other in what we wanted. I explained about my dreams since I was little about being kidnapped and eventually falling in love with him. It may sound strange but I now realize that I am wired differently from most people. I am a slave, my desire to be captive is part of that. Its not sad or lonely captivity but more a loving captivity where I do not want to ever leave his presence or his home unless its with him. My dreams about being a Gothic Lol-ita/ballerina was part of that and I guess my love of Gothic Lol-ita dress and ballerina things was because I missed out on being a little girl. I never got to wear pretty dresses, or run about in the garden with angel wings, or have imaginary tea parties with my teddies. I never had sleep overs or had my mother brush my hair and tell me how beautiful I was. So at the age of 22, I really wanted to explore those things, but I also realized I had the heart of a slave. Yes I was submissive but I also wanted someone to completely control me. I needed him to control every aspect of my life, from when and what I ate, to when I could go to bathroom and even things like if I should have gender reassignment surgery. I wanted to do everything in world just please one person, I wanted to be so close to someone that it hurts when I am more than ten feet away from them. I wanted to be broken down, to state of total innocence and just forget about my past of growing up being forced to be something I was not. I wanted to be kept in chains 24/7 not so chained up I could not move, but enough that every step or hand movement was reminder of who I was. the jingle of chains and bells to remind me that I am his. I wanted to give up myself completely and become part of him. My heart has longed for that feeling of being owned and totally controlled. in truth Its only thing I have truly wanted and when I am not in M/s i am lost. I think many around me think I am crazy or delusional, but I have never worked so hard in my life than I have when I am in truly deep into M/s total power exchange relationship. How can you explain to your friends and family, that in truth you would truly give up everything even going outside if meant being the person you were meant to be. How can tell anyone that really? So when I met my first Master, I was so excited because of first time in my life I was able to be myself, nothing but myself and let go of all the other things in my life that really meant nothing to me. I don't want a job, a career, money, cars, fame or any of those things. In truth they mean very little to me. What I do want is to be by my Master's side everyday for the rest of my life, to be at the end of chain that he is holding and know all he needs to do ask me do anything and I will without question or hesitation.


The first year went by quickly, We spend pretty much every waking hour we could together, I would be sitting at the front door on my knee's waiting for him to come home from work. It was best part of my day, because I would get to see my Master, my Owner, my love. for that year I maybe left house a dozen times, and never on my own always with him. He would always hold his hand or cling on to his arm. For me the most beautiful state of being, it was not always perfect and we had issues just like any other couple does be that vanilla or M/s. But we worked so well together we just talked everything out and sorted it. He used to say, if there is problem with your car, you just don't throw it way, you look at what warning light is on and then try and fix it. So when warning lights came on in our relationship we would fix them together and grow closer each time. By the end of that year, something magical happened, one morning, He chained me up as usual before he left for work, my ankle chains and wrist chains locked into place with enough space between them that I could potter around the house and do my house work and chores. I woke up and suddenly felt this amazing warm glow come over me. In my late teens, I had done some ecstasy and its pretty much closest thing I can relate it too. It was like warm euphoric buzz came over me, But not the sweaty horrible Ecstasy type. I felt at peace, it was as if I had been slotted in the right place in the universe, I have been plugged into my rightful place and suddenly everything made sense. I had a sense of purpose and it was as if everything was just right, like I was meant to be in this time and this place and this state of being. I though it would go away, but it did not. I stayed in amazing place for almost two months. looking back now, I realized I had reached a point of totally selflessness. I had just given up everything about me, everything I wanted, everything I desired. none of that mattered, it was just about Him. It was just about being part of him. I wanted to melt into him and just be part of him like symbiotic in Star Trek. The peace I felt was just like being at one with everything, any anger, aggression, hurt and pain was all just washed a way. I felt like a innocent little girl, who did not want to harm or hurt anything. my Master realized just how innocent I had become and also realized that people could also take advantage of me in that state so he took extra care in making sure I was never alone with anyone but him. It was the most beautiful, awesome and peaceful states of being I have ever experienced, it was like being in permanent state of subspace. Those months were the best moments of my life so far. I realized then that I was meant to be a slave, it was what I was born to be. I don't believe in god or anything like fate or such, but if I did, I swear that I was born to be this way.


Sadly like most good things in life, it had to end. my Master at the time, was not ready for how submissive I had become, He liked my when I wanted to do my own things and liked when I asked to do things and such. In truth He had not realized how deeply I fallen down the rabbit hole and clearly was not ready for it. I was totally and utterly depended on him for everything. Yes i would cook and clean and look after him, but nothing else mattered to me but just please him and be close to him. I would just spend hours curled up at his feet as he would read, unless he asked me do something I would just spend every moment I could curled up at his feet. In the end the relationship came to end. a lot outside world factors had effect Him and He changed quite dramatically and it ended with bang. I suddenly was snapped out of that space and suddenly thrust back into world with less than a days warning. I took me over year to get over the loss of my Master, but It gave me a sense of purpose in life. I realized that I knew who I was now, and I know what my role was in life, that it was to be a slave.

Years have past since then, I have been in other M/s relationships, and I am always trying to chase that feeling of slave space, Sadly I have not found anyone yet who has been able to take me back to that place I was with when I was with my first Master. I do not think it was their fault either, but more I think we just not right match and things were not as they seemed. I tried my hardest to make it work with them, but sadly it was not meant to be. They either were not ready for M/s TPE or just wanting very different things from me. I think to find the right person for you is about finding a person who matches up with you. Yes a lot Masters seem think you can shoe horn any slave into his life and if they obey they should be happy, but I think truth is for a M/s relationship to go to levels like I have been too, you really need find someone who matches up with you. What I mean is things like goals, desires, interests, fetishes and so on. Find the right Master or Mistress for that matter is about finding the person who is your exact opposite. The yin to your yang, and when you join up, you become one whole being. I am still searching for that person who matches up to my yang and hope one day I will find them, but at least I know my purpose in life and who I am, and that brings its own rewards and peace to ones self even in the hardest times of my life, I can find peace knowing that I have sense of purpose. I do hope one day that I will meet that person and I will drop back into slave space and hope this time I will never come out of it again. All i can do keep looking and keep hoping and never give up with fact that He might just walk into my life.

I have more pictures of myself and happy to provide them, but please do not suddenly think i am going send you naked full body pictures of myself after talking to you for 5mins. people who do that normally tend to vanish quickly afterwards. So dont ask, because the answer is no. If you take the time and want to get to know me as person and we build a rapore then that's different, but not going send naked pictures after talking on yahoo for 5mins.