In the most basic sense, our sorts of relationships are an entirely different paradigm from the conventional. The "vanilla" trappings may certainly be there, but in a developed relationship with developed persons is is not the core. Many concentrate on the "checklist" items for "compatibility"- but those things are, like the vanilla aspects, more in the realm of ornament and manifestation, if you will- the "color" of the relationship. As a metaphor, one may like the color and look of a car, or a refrigerator. It may look sleek, stylish, even attract attention from others. But if it is not the right size, uses too much juice, or is unreliable it wont work for the person. As I allude, many get consumed with the package and wrapping of MSDS relationships, mistakenly thinking that is the core. With such a view, once things like unreliability, bad fit, and sucking of a person's energy come into play things break down. The "lists" (preferences) and  "things in common" (vanilla)- "compatibility" aspects can make for a good portal into MSDS, but make a lousy foundation. It is no wonder to me why so many out there who are involved are unhappy- their focus is woefully misplaced.

Of course there are those who truly enjoy the sensations of "play" and fetish, but have no interest in cession to another. Such a bent is perfectly fine, but outside the realm of power-based relationships. My term for these folks is sensualists as they engage based solely on the "feel" of things.

I expect now you are ready to quiz and ask, "OK, pal, what IS the core of an MSDS relationship? The most concrete answer is- power. I submit that dominant types have a force that resonates with others of the submissive sort. The reaction formed when these complimentary types engage surmounts the rational. Those used to a conventional paradigm- with so much of it (the majority) of a concrete, sensible nature- attempting to apply that to MSDS will end up confused, frustrated, and likely angry- what happens then the wrong template is applied, no? So one must base their outlook in an MSDS relationship on the fact that much about it may be irrational, often trumping personal preferences and choices. Both uninitiated D and S types can find themselves in situations and attitudes not considered, let alone exercised, when they were in a conventional relationship paradigm. Obviously it takes a bit of getting used to, and there will be much turmoil and internal conflict due to inculcation. it does make a lot more sense actually and smooths out as inculcations and inhibitions are shed. One sort of has to adopt and attitude of "everything you know is wrong" when leaving the conventional for MSDS.

Based on my observation and experience, those who possess the innate power, the talent to control, have an easier time adjusting and attaining comfort in their role than those you need to cede.  This may sound self-serving, but human nature being what it is, at the outset it is much easier to control than it is to obey. Certainly there is no guarantee that controlling will be done well, with aptitude and awareness. It is, in my view, a bit more understandable that those who need to cede will have a difficult time. Inculcations and the life situation of the ceder are the reasons. Perhaps the ceder has a career and/or a family that requires control on their part. Inculcations- what society and culture tell us is "right" in relationships and engagement with others- are an encrusted part of a mindset as well. The wise dominant sort will realize that one who cedes will have turmoil, backtracking, anger, and confusion- after all the cession of one to another is a process not an event. Patience with a bit of detachment is needed for the dominant sort to deal with this. Once the submissive type while going through the process of ceding actually begins to cede., the dominant will find his attitude rewarded with permanent "victories" over aspects (and eventually the whole) of the submissive type.

Power is what holds this all together. the dominant type has it, and when it resonates in a submissive type they are drawn to it. The power and the draw are of an addictive nature, once the submissive type starts down this road, there will be a drive to cede, and demonstrate that cession increasingly. Eventually cession will become a reward in itself. There will be episodes of of reactance and rebellion as the submissive sort sheds the old relationship "self" progressively, but as these former notions are replaced there will be a new and more complete sense of contentment, satisfaction, and fulfillment- futher feeding the addiction. The addiction to the power of the dominant sort on the submissive type becomes primal, helping to form a new core.

The above I feel is how this all works, albeit in a basic sense. It certainly lacks detail and is by no means complete. It does make vital points that are often not covered and ignored to the detriment and disappointment of most.