Ahh, the wisdom that comes from actual experience…  My experience tells me when something is rare and should not be allowed to slip through my fingers.  But it takes more than the wisdom of one.... 

The desire to be 110% sure about whether one should be with a particular person in a committed manner is certainly a phenomenon that we all wrestle with and yet, there really is no such thing as perfect or 110% surety in relationships....relationships and people are fluid and always changing.  What we really have to weight and measure when evaluating whether we are a good fit with another is are we able to do the dance that is required, ebb and flow together as required, work when things get difficult, stick over time with all the changes in the world, who people are and in the relationship itself. 

Oriah Mountain Dreamer wrote a poignant and powerful poem years ago called "The Invitation".  I love this poem and in most ways find it to be at the crux of all my close relationships. 

Enduring, celebrating, supporting, tolerating, creating, routine, laundry, dinner, getting the bills paid, caring for obligations....a comfortable weave with vibrant strong ropes of romance, sex, laughter, intellect, vulnerability and sharing and common interests.....

From the book
The Invitation, The Call, and The Dance

by oriah mountain dreamer

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

© Mountaindreaming, from the book The Invitation published by HarperSanFrancisco, 1999 All rights reserved

For the first time sense coming to collarme I am actually into and excited about a sub I am cooresponding with...Sure is a nice feeling.  The trick is to keep my hopes in check as the exploration of getting to know each other and the extent our compatibility is taking place.

So what is it that I like about this fella??? Hmm, this is a good question for me to ask myself.  Well, he is intelligent and mature and grounded in reality, first and foremost.  We connect on interests and some knowledge areas outside of BDSM.  We have already had a political argument and have managed to make each other laugh and agree to disagree (very cool!)

He seems to have follow through, to comply with my requests and has the capacity to be thoughful.  He comes towards me and stays in contact - he is not afraid to take a risk of reaching out.  He appears to like and value his career and his life and stays busy.  He is SINGLE so actually available for a Mistress that can pervade his life throughout.  He likes museums - wow - and theatre omg.  And he has shown a few glimspes of silliness, which  as long as wit is present really gets me going. 

He responds when I tease him by getting excited and then by begging me to stop... making me laugh with pleasure.  Why does he beg me? Because he quickly complied with my request of orgasm denial till we meet face to face so he has adhered to a schedule of unrequited stroking and is now trying 'hard" (he he) to not slip over the edge. 

He actually knew all about my favorite brandy made in California in small batches and even knows of a special Christmas verson that is made each year....that alone almost swept me off my feet. lol. 

Anyhow...we'll see if he is sincere, or if he is on best behavior or if he will be able to sustain and grow  the hints of qualities into full blown reliable traits.  We'll see if our beginnings of connection and atraction continues to come together... but for the moment I am basking in feeling flushed, titilated, peaked and turned on by our up coming face to face first meet and enjoying just  the simple honest act of connecting with a fella who has real time and real life potential.  Whew what a relief. 

And yeah...play and power exchange scenarios have aready started flooding through my head...could be a whole lot of fun if all works out...mmmmm

So this is a great thread about how to woo a sub - I have to say it is refreshing and I agree with it, but also think what is good for the goose is also good for the gander - in others words these "ways of wooing" are good for both the D and the s to use ;-) Find my response and 2 other that I agree with below this entry.  Ocilla

ElanSubdued -> How do you attract a submissive? (9/19/2007 10:09:58 AM)  
 
I've read countless threads on BCOM, Alt and Collar Me) giving advice on how subsmissives can attract dommes. As a male submissive, over the last while I've been clarifying and redefining the qualities I find attractive and essential in a dominant partner.

When I first got involved in BDSM, pretty much any woman willing to dominate me would do. I wasn't very selective because I didn't understand more subtle dynamics of BDSM and I also didn't know that a submissive could (and needs to) be selective when choosing a partner. That was a long time ago and I've since realized that whip wielding ability isn't necessarily a good indicator of life skills, relationship skills, and compatibility in general. With the backdrop out of the way,

I'm curious as to how dommes attract submissives. Let me clarify my question. I have quite a few platonic friends who are dommes. In terms of attracting just anyone, all they need do is put up a personals add and this will net hundreds (if not thousands) of responses. However, as I'm sure almost everyone here knows, most of these responses are garbage. Quantity does not equal quality.

So, as a domme, what do you do to attract someone you find attractive as a relationship partner? To answer this question as the receiver, here are some things dommes do that catch my romantic attention:

- Taking the time to tell me about herself in a detailed, meaningful way

- Trusts me enough to unwrap her soul before me and who is not afraid to reveal inner emotions, concerns, and insecurities.

- Communicates directly with intelligence, honestly, and passion. Showing that she has read my thoughts (or considered a conversation) and is interested in delving deeper.

- Makes me a priority and demonstrates that my time is valuable.

- Is reliable - when a domme says she will follow-up, she does.

- Takes the time to get to know me. Digs inside my head to find out about my passions (inside BDSM, but especially outside of BDSM).

- Gives sincere, unsolicited compliments. (And yes, romantic things like telling me I'm sexy, intelligent, and adorable always work if they are in the right context.)

- Does small, thoughtful gestures... sending links to favorite music, sharing stories about family, sharing stories about things that happened at work, sending flowers, etc.

- Flirts! Yep. Good, old-fashioned flirting never goes out of style. - Being courteous and kind. Good manners never go out of style either.

- Demonstrates a balanced, mature approach to BDSM that shows an understanding of real life relationships and of human needs.

I've primarily addressed this thread to dommes, but submissives are welcome to join in. If you are a domme, how do you attract submissive partners and once you have their attention, how do you get to know them and romance them? If you are a submissive, what things about a domme attract your attention, what do you do to attract the domme's attention, and what things cause you to continue talking with someone?

Elansubduded or TrulySublime.

MsLilac -> RE: How do you attract a submissive? (9/19/2007 12:32:53 PM)  

I attract those I seek by being myself. I’m not into playing games, I’m a not messing around type. I don’t have techniques to romance a man. If I liked him and was interested, I didn’t suppress or over exaggerate it, I just showed my interest in him as a person naturally, I may flirt a little, but I don’t mess about by being all ‘cosmo‘ - I don’t pander to them by using ‘techniques‘. I like the same back. I love to be romanced, and like it when a man shows an honest, open interest in me as a person. As I mentioned I have always been approached first, I wouldn’t have been adverse in approaching a man, but I do prefer he approach first, it’s just the way I liked it.

cloudboy -> RE: How do you attract a submissive? (9/19/2007 7:17:43 PM)  

Attracting a malesub for Mistresses is far, far from the problem --- its bonding with / finding a good malesub which seems to be the trick. Naturally these things aren't reduced to prescriptive formulas.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsLilac
I am a leader. But likewise, I have a nurturing nature.

But I am also a daft romantic. Just seeing a man submitting to me, making a conscious effort to please me, being devoted to me just triggers all my buttons. The expression of submissive love on all its levels makes me all mushy, in my oh so Dommely way lol. A man that wants to make me happy on all physical and mental levels makes my heart go ‘thud’ - likewise, I am devoted in return. Loyalty and devotion is a turn on for me, as odd as that sounds.

But then there’s the plain old physical lust stuff. Someone here mentioned watching a man in physical labour - I totally relate! Men working are HOT! Regardless of what the labour it may be. Builders are not the only one leering on a building site. If my leering has made one of those rugged men blush, all the better!

Seeing a man in chains, whilst he places his trust in me triggers my buttons again. It also allows me work on him… my toy being at my mercy to play with how I like - yep, that totally works for me. Bondage is a turn on for me on so many levels, for similar previous reasons, but there is an aesthetic beauty to it - especially when they are naked, raw to the world, and bound at my feet, mmm. It’s also a control thing, lol.

I love tease and denial, watching a man control something he REALLY wants, because I’ve said so, and he wishes to please me, is sooo hot for me. Bottling that lust he has for me, and releasing it on my say so makes for some hot times. It’s also pretty funny watching that frustration *grins wickedly*

I nabbed the following paragraph from Domiguy – it just sums up my feeling about the whole online thing exactly. SO of course, I will meet you if you are in the ATL area and I will add that unlike Domiguy, if you send me a pict I am likely to send you one back – but I would rather just meet in person.  If you get this idea of proceeding r/t for the most part then we are likely to hit it off.

“Words of Domiguy –So, send me a message and lets get this thing going...you will not be disappointed.  8/23/06 I live in the real world. I will treat this site no differently. I do not have a picture posted nor will I send you one. Have been off/on this site for several months. Have had people request photos who they themselves have no picture posted or a picture of their's or someone's body w/o including their face. I am willing to meet someone from the Chicago area who meets the above criteria; public place, mutually comfortable. I will probably end up wasting a few minutes of my time but that I am much more willing to do than wasting hours chasing mirages on a computer.”

quote: ORIGINAL: MzMia
Sure, it would be "nice" to have a male wife that did all or most of the chores, but, I realistically DON'T expect it. If anything it would be shared responsiblities most of the time.
 
To me a "male wife" is mainly about the dynamics of power, control and obedience.

A lifestyle Dominant woman/submissive man relationship!
Living that way, not just "playing" it on Friday nights or when in the mood to role-play.


Imagine that?


Traditionally the "wife" is a helpmate to a Dominant male husband. In a role reversal, the woman is the Dominant and the man is the  helpmate/submissive.


I want a partner that has the desire to make my life easier and handle the things I don't have the time to do. A special fella that will do things because I've requested him to, or because he knows it would please me, not because I can't do them, but because he wants to do them. 


but it can be even better if  we find a way to do the day to day chores of life together. Although he better remember for instance if its cooking that he's responsible for turning off the burners when things become a little too heated.

I am loving the Ask a Mistress thread on the idea of a Male/wife.  If this is something that appeals to any subs perusing my profile – I am interested in you too then!

Posted by me, Ocilla:
I am right there with you MzMia on “to each their own”.  I run a non profit organization our goal is to accomplish our mission of saving the planet as opposed to increasing a bottom line - we run the organization as frugally as possible in order to make what dollars come in help advance our cause rather than line our pockets. It's exciting and important work but not the kind of work that will support a male wife as Aakasha has found so important to her needs.  Any fella who is my partner will have to have a career and profession himself and I do appreciate a man who is a bit accomplished at his work.  We spend so much of our time in life working I think it would be sad if he did not like his work and feel like he was good at it and have some recoginition.  If by chance  he makes enough to give us some extra comforts of a comfortable (albeit environmental) place to live and house and garden help all the better - but not required by any means.  If he can/wants to help me in my work that is great too if we can make it work finanicially - my work is exciting and fun - folks often do petition to work with me.

Of course even as a dominant female my partner bing submissive does not mean that I would not pitch in and cook (I love cooking anyway but hate the cleaning up after so he can clean) or shop or participate in gardening, walk the dog or do the recycling or compost and such. 

Nesting and being part of a house hold does not necessarily divide D/s and nesting is a strong and pleasing instinct imo - but each of us is her own woman I suppose. 

Balancing a two job household is a challenge but then I do not know of a single couple where both parties do not have to work to make ends meet. 

The Census indicates that this is the way it is in the US economy now and is not likely changing anytime soon.  

 I do like my fella/wife to have some strong professional desires, ambition and interests - it helps keep him engaged and growing in broad ways and brings unexpected ideas and influences into our lives that can be wonderful.  

I do not approve of a typical or old school male approach though of "my job comes first" and if a conflict were to arise we'd work it out, I am pragmatic above all - but he always puts me first - when all is said and done this is what makes him happy.  Finally, I do not want to be the sole light in his life.  I do want to be the overwhelmingly brightest and warmest and most satisfying light in his life but not the only one.  For his ulitmate well being he will need more than just my light to help him shine, grow and be happy - this is pretty much a human truth in my opinion.