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How a man becomes who he is meant to be
I think its hard sometimes to be honest about your own sexuality and your own understanding of your place. There's lots of ways in which society tries to teach us to behave, to conform and to conduct ourselves. This is no different when it comes to the sexuality of a man, from very early on we're told to lead, to be strong, to be assertive and to take what we want. It can be very confusing and of course it can be wrong but thats how it often is shown or portrayed.
When I was first becoming aware of my sexuality, my feelings and my fantasies I was very much aware that what some of my friends talked about and what I thought about seemed to be very different things entirely. My friends talked about the girls they'd spent time with as though they were conquests or just things on a tick list, there was an assumption that this is how men behaved, taking what they wanted and understanding that women would perform as expected.
My own urges, my own longings, didn't express this at all and so I stayed very quiet when my friends talked about conquests and real or imagined experiences. Very early on in the games of teenage years I'd been drawn to girls, often a little older than me, who acted with much more assertion, it led me to follow more than lead, it led me to be the one they'd know would do as they said rather than suggesting other games. I had some thoughts about a particular friends mum and those thoughts took on a somewhat taboo or even abusive mindset as I hope things might happen with her leading me into situations where she'd control me and corrupt me, but those are thoughts and stories for another time as not all things are comfortable to admit to or confess.
I can remember being a little older, old enough for this to be ok I beleive, when my next door neighbour, a year or so older than me and in six form at high school , very matter of factly told me one evening whilst she babysat for me and my sleeping younger brother that she was going to the bathroom and I was to accompany her. She sat on the toilet and told me to sit on the floor and then she pulled her jeans and knickers down and peed into the toilet, it was, for her, natural I should sit at her feet and watch whilst she did it and I didn't resist.
I can't fully explain how powerful that moment was and how readily from then on I'd follow her to the bathroom and sit, and later kneel, whilst she peed. The time came when I was offered some tissue and told to clean up where she'd sprinkled on the seat, doing so seemed both natural and somehow a huge priveledge to me. I've always since then thought back to that time and known that she understood something about herself and myself that's grown and become more and more important ever since.
Sadly, she moved away and as this was in the days shortly before mobile phones we lost contact, but the damage was done, or perhaps the genie was out of the bottle. I have remained fascinated with and deeply drawn to assertive and dominant women ever since. Though at times its caused me difficulties and even made me vulnerable to some really rather dumb choices, I am grateful to her for opening up something inside me.
I struggled to find a girlfriend whilst at high school, I had little or no confidence and was already finding myself drawn to images and magazines with dominant women in them at a time when my friends were getting hold of copies of penthouse or much more down market titles like Razzle. When my friends talked about how they fancied a girl because of her boobs or her bum I'd be secretly drawn to her feet and her toes and even more so if she seemed to have anger or hostility or even better distain in her eyes. I know I could appreciate an attractive woman, but the qualities I was looking for were those which made her strong, powerful, dangerous, rather than meek, easy or available.
At university I did find a long term relationship with a girl who was in so mnay ways different to myself, she was from a much wealthier background, came from a well spoken part of the home counties as opposed to an industrial town in the north and was a firm and keen member of a church group into classical music and drama groups wheras I was a dungeons and dragons and heavy metal obsessed non believer. Yet, she had a confidence about herself and the way she spoke to me, both privately and in public, was often demeaning and patronising, she could somehow belittle me and insult me but I found myself utterly craving that sort of attention. Alone, she took a very dominant role even though we never actually had sex, she had me spend a lot of time massaging her feet or back ,pampering her or being the person who she would rant and shout at when angry or upset. I came to not only accept that behaviour but to seek it out, to be allowed to pet her feet in particular was something I began to fixate on, knowing that it pleased her but also findng that it provided me with much more arousal than I'd get if we were simply kissing or fooling around. Looking back ,I know now I was becoming more and more like the person I am now and less and less like the stereotype my friends still expected me to be.
When, perhaps inevitably, she decided to end the relationship she did so by choosing to push me as far as possible in various different humiliating ways, each I think designed to make me back away from her. She choked me once, the first time I'd had that happen to me, and afterwards she made me spend a long time licking all her shoes and boots but not letting me touch her, I wanted and needed her more atfer that. She made me pee myself and walk home late at night in the rain to amuse herself and after that I was even more in her thrall. Eventually she wrote a letter to her friend and made me walk it round to her house and read the letter out, it basically said I was pathetic and worthless and that she would be telling all her friends how disgusting and weak I was. I know she never actually did tell anyone else but I remember crying as I read the letter but also being so aroused and scared and confused. After that I couldn't be around her or her friends ,I felt completely worthless but the odd thing was I'd fantasice about her doing all those things and more and although I did have more conventional relationships afterwards each time I'd find myself craving the sense of humiliation and worthlessness I'd been groomed to have. Sex seemed something I became more and more anxiuous about and I found myself desperately wanting to be submissive, to give oral worship and foot worship in relationships where that wasn't really what was being asked of me.
I drifted through several more conventional relationships as I grew up, starting working and building my own little world but little moments would always illustrate the needs and urges that I sometimes tried to bury or hide inside me regarding my growing desire to submit and be dominated. There was an occasion I took a friend shoe shopping as she wasn't a driver and the town she wanted to go to was a fair way from home, when we were in this quite low brow shoe shop and she was looking for shoes I found myself far too keen to make suggestions and a lot of those suggestions focussed on shoes which made her seem taller and more powerful. She definitely noticed and seemed not only happy to try on the ones I suggested but after a while she'd tell me rather abruptly to bring my choices to her and to put them on her feet. I can't fully describe how sensual and overwhelmingly poweful that felt and how hard it was not to caress or kiss her feet. Even now, years later, only half jokingly, Paula still refers to me as her little shoe slave. We never went any further than that for all kinds of reasons but the memory lingers. Another occaison saw me in the company of a friend whose mood at her then boyfriend were often very angry. Once in a pub she told me how much she wanted to slap him or worse and I, half jokingly said she could slap me instead. She didn't actually do that but she did end up grinding her shoe heel into my foot as we sat there and she said she wondered who'd enjoyed that the most, her or me. I know exactly who enjoyed it the most. I'm also somewhat ashamed of an occaison when I met someone through the internet and although our fledgling relationship didn't last long it was one based on me starting to seek out and explore online my hopes of finding a dominant partner. The shame is of course that this was whilst married. Admittedly in a stifling and deeply troubled marriage but nevertheless the shame of that search is still with me. We met, I indulged her with foor worship and oral worship, she tied bands round my nipples and cock when we were out at a cinema and made me message her feet throughout the movie and we even explored my fantasy for being pissed on and over. Lots of little moments I utterly treasured and wanted so badly and on every occaison my own nerves and lack of confidence meant I worried if I wasn't good enough. It didn't last, guilt and a messed up sense of who I was just crushed me.
Its years later now, things have changed, my circumstances have as well but most importantly I think is the fact I've finally met someone who not only understands but accepts and encourages me.
To have met the woman I now accept and worship as Goddess is a huge step in my understanding and sense of worth.
In Her company and under Her guidance I have experienced lots of different aspects of Her domination and my submission, naturally, I hunger for more and the truth is that some of my urges or fantasies are for things She may not choose to explore and I accept and respect that entirely. The fact is, She has become the sole sexual and dominant urge in my life. I cannot think about the idea of straight sex anymore and I know that privately I find that deeply reasuring, that its ok to long to please and worship and that the only orgasms I need to think about are Hers. Or rather, should I orgasm or should another man in Her control orgasm I know it'll be under Her instruction and that its my duty to clean and consume any such orgasm. This feels right to me now, Her orgasms are religious experiences for me, moments of blessing and closeness to heaven in Her company and I am priveledged to be able to provide them with my tongue and lips and finger tips and through my humiliation and degradation.
I have learned to stop worrying about my sexual appetite, it exists now only to please or amuse Her, this is how it should be. I have learned to embrace the long standing urges I had to be humilaited or used as these things have genuinely taken away a lot of my anxieties and fears. I am neve happier than when I kneel at Her feet and am in Her company and control. If a collar I know it makes me smile and feel like I have worth, if I am insulted or called names it makes me feel truer to myself and closer to Her. There are few things in my life that have ever made m so keen to indulge and embrace my real self as when I'm kissing Her feet, relishing the scent as I taste her armpits, slipping my tongue inside Her ass or , best of all of course giving my self entirely to Her when I give Her the oral worship to Her pussy that ends in me being overwhelmed by Her sexuality and power.
In Her company and at Her feet I have found the complicated aspects of my needs an fantasies come simply to life. There is not a day I don't think about Her and any day I can't contact Her or don't hear from Her is agony. I need little instruction now hen not in Her company to bring myself closer to Her by wearing panties, lipstick ,even stockings, and writing on myself to remind myself how much She is the centre of everything. I carefuly avoid or remove myself from any situation where a woman might flirt with me or make overtures to me as I know I am Hers and that all my sexuality is controlled and gifted to Her and for Her pleasure or amusement only.
There are still urges or course, to be slapped, marked, peed on, spat at, written on, sissyfied, degraded, made to serve as a maid, forced to suck cock and be made even more reliant on Her and the truth is some of those things will happen whilst others will remain in my imagination. The difference is I think an important one, I find pleasure and purpose in serving Her. Ultimately, I am the person I've always hungered to me and thats because of Her dominance, understanding and acceptance of me. My Goddess is also my friend, we talk music and history, geeky games and real world issues. I have learned to crave Her company far beyond the bedroom or dungeon and each time I see Her I become more and more Her creature, Her property, Hers.
This then, is how this man came to be who he was meant to be.
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