February 8 2010
As I walked in the room I knew something was wrong. You had labored breathing and had that death stare. Lis was holding your hand and crying. Jessie, Sam, dad and I stopped by to tell you good bye and we would be back in a few days. We didn’t know we would be saying good bye forever.
It was only 96 hours earlier I got a call from Jessie telling me that you went in to the hospital and that we need to come and see you. All I could think was “Mom please don’t die tomorrow”, my birthday, and would have to live with that for the rest of my life.
When I pulled into the parking lot of the hospital Saturday morning, Jessie, Paul and dad just pulled up also. When we first walked into your room we didn’t know what to expect. It was evident that you were being overwhelmed by all the people there. Six of your seven kids and their families were there plus dad, whom you had been married for over 23 yrs and divorced for 10 years. Later in the day your two sisters came to say their good byes.
The doctor didn’t give us any hope that too much damage was done to your body over the years because of your drinking. We had to get your sodium level up for you to have a chance. You had to go get xrays and we went across the street to Applebees for lunch. Our waitress had a cloth cover over her forearm. I asked her why and she said it was a tattoo and they were not allowed to be seen, so she covered it up. I asked her what it was and she said the Serenity Prayer. That really spoke to me that day, “God grant Me the serenity to accept the things I can not change”. Mom I could not change you and what you had done to your body. I want to get the same tattoo on my forearm in memory of you but have struggled with how public it would show. I have really struggled with this tattoo.
After you came back from getting xrays, you wanted to rest so we all went back to my sister’s house. After dinner I watched as the adults sat around talking and telling stories about you. I watched as your grand kids ran around playing and getting in trouble. It would have made you proud. You diffidently touched many lives in a positive sense.
The next day, when we all arrived, you were looking much better and your sodium level was up a few points just not were it needed to be. Talking with the doctor again he still was not giving us any hope. Amongst your children I was the only one that was planning for you to leave the hospital. I was so sure that I mentioned to you about leaving and coming back in a few days. You asked me to stay for another day until Peter got there so we all could take a family picture. That was my mom always wanting family pictures.
The next morning you called and didn’t want us to come to see you. Peter was not supposed to get there until the afternoon so maybe we will take the picture then. My sisters came to see you and to make sure that you had a will in place and any other documents that need to be signed. Peter got there and spent about an hour and half with you while you were did very alert. Once he and EJ left is when you start to go. I guess you were waiting for all your kids to be there and to be able to say good bye before you left this world.
They had removed most of the machines from the room. The end was near. I was watching the clock with every labored breath you took. 90 seconds, come on mom breath, then you would take a deep labored breath. I sat there in a room with my brothers and sisters saying our good byes. I waited until to be last since I had known you the longest. As I held you and looking into eyes that were empty. I told you how much I loved you and that it was ok to go and that we had each other. There was a lot of love in that room when you pasted and there still is a lot of love.
It was 7pm Monday night and we all went back to Lis’s house to try to pick up the pieces. We committed on how much you loved each of us and that you must have waited to see Peter before you left. The next day we all left to go back to normal life, whatever that is without you in it.
We all came back almost 2 months later to empty out your apartment. I would say that you would be proud of us and how we didn’t fight over your things but freely gave them to each other but you raised us to love each other and be respectful. People always commit on how we all dealt with it and how it was a testament on how you raised us. The next day was the Easter and we planned on spreading your ashes. Dad bought a nice head stone and John and Lis planted a tree on their property. It was your wish to have your ashes spread on their farm. I remind Lis, she can not ever sell the farm.
Dad said some things while Paul spread your ashes around the tree. It was nice and simple we had a big memorial service the month before for you. Once we were done the kids went and had an Easter egg hunt. Yes that is your kids going from spreading your ashes to hiding eggs for your grand kids. You are loved and missed and one day we know we will see you in Heaven.
Love your first born,
Dane
