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It has been forever since I've written anything here. Lots and lots of changes. Might be some more changes coming.
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Problems problems problems. Too many games and too much BS. Why can't people just deal with things with the people involved. Change is brewing.
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The issues that arose have caused some positive changes. They are coming steadily. I hope they stay and continue so I know they are honest and true. Time will tell with the trust. Not knowing is so very much harder than actually having facts. Time will tell how things will proceed.
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Reality once again rears its ugly head to dispel the mythical "perfect relationship." I'm trying to find a way to cope with mistrust without knowing for certain what is truth. Once suspicion sneaks in, it lurks in the dark recesses snatching any random chance to be noticed and take over your thoughts. Even subconscious thoughts have no immunity. I don't know what it will take to render this insidious beast voiceless. If I go and there is no truth to suspicion, is it not equal to the pain of finding suspicion to be reality? I have to discern which is objective thinking and which is wishful hope in my assessments. Meanwhile I am perpetually haunted by my inability to "know" which is truth and by the curiosity and constant fear that suspicion arouses. I don't want nor do I need that anxiety again. I don't want that life of "wonderings" and waiting for the other shoe to drop, anticipating the worst outcome. On the other hand, no one escapes from being flawed. Can I live with either truth? Will I regain my ability to trust? What do I need to do to aid this quandary? What can he do to heal this rift? Is this a resolvable issue? Can we be saved? I want it to work. Is this want clouding my judgment? What brings clarity? How does one begin to truly "know." A quite painful dilemma...............
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Things are going so well right now. I'm almost afraid to believe it is all real and lasting. Everything good in my life has always been taken away or ruined. We have had to deal with a lot of stressful situations and seem to be growing with them and communicating better with each one. I'm happy and truly content for the first time.
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Finally lol, the wait is over. My "under consideration" phase is complete. I am now collared and owned by Wulf100. We also share a home together.
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I have
questions, so very many, about how to handle things. How does a
sub/slave retain their own identity within the Ds relationship? Are
they supposed to? Are we to give up our wants and desires, in regard to
who we are as people, in totality? Are we to lose ourselves
completely? If not, how do we maintain a semblance of self without
appearing unsubmissive, unhappy, needy, selfish or bitchy? It seems
when I attempt to retain some of me and any of my wants, they are
deemed unimportant or unnecessary and things become unhappy quite
quickly. I don't know if it's my approach or if it simply cannot be
done and still keep the relationship without strife. It's much easier
to just lose me and track of me and go with the flow of what they want
and how they want and to just put my own desires aside. Is this right
or wrong? Doing so seems to deaden me in ways but it's sooooo very
much easier than fighting or having a Dom who is unhappy or angry.
What is the answer? and how do you communicate when you feel you are
the only one communicating? Even if they listen you never hear
anything back. How are you do know what is happening or if problems
are or will be taken care of? Maybe it's all me. Maybe I am wrong
about having it all. Maybe I am wrong about me and who/what I am. It
certainly raises some questions and bears some serious introspection.
Then there is stressing whether or
not past/current slaves from chatrooms are going to be an issue. I
cringe and worry every time I know one has spoken with him. I don't
want him to keep things from me because then I'd worry even more. The
"slaves" are from a role playing channel not for any real life purpose.
Add that to moving into his home and trying to find a place in it for
me so I feel like I have a home.....well I love him. I want to be with
him. I know he is good for me. I just want to get these issues behind
us.
Then you have me going through menopause which helps NO ONE. Add to that a past with abusive and cheating, lying exes on both our parts and you get a huge mess.
I just hope it can all be resolved soon and to a degree that leads us to a satisfying and positive relationship. I need to know what I need to do to make things work and how to deal with anything he is unable or unwilling to change.
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my trust and respect is growing for him daily as he keeps taking care of things and of me. I don't have to worry because I know I am not alone and that he will help and/or take care of anything that comes up in a way that is best for all involved. that is so incredible. i feel I can begin to relax for the first time since I was a little girl. i'm so awed and appreciative and grateful for this ability to trust.
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I understand better now about being cherished in this relationship. He always takes good care of his "property" or on occasion he says his "baby". Yesterday, I was in so much pain( due to current medical problems) I was crying. He simply found ways to make the pain less intense, at one time it went away completely. He made me feel cared for and like i truly matter to him. That is a first for me. I appreciate it so deeply that all I can think about is how much I love him and want to do things to make him happy.
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While I am happy my Dom is consistent, I HATE this consideration thing. I have made up my mind. I know there are going to be issues at times with living together and being in a 24/7 relationship that will have to be worked out. Since I started staying with him, we have managed to talk and LISTEN to one another and work things out in a positive manner. If we continue to do so, then there should be a good relationship. So, we have the basics; communication ( effective, open, and respectful), common desires, awesome sex ( I hope he agrees lol), a deep caring for one another, similar relationship beliefs, honesty and most of all trust, do we really have to wait for a predetermined time? Patience is not a virtue I possess. Life is too short and too much can happen. I think if you do things on a trial (for lack of better term) basis then you both know it is a temporary thing and act accordingly. Not until it is permanent and the full commitment and actions have been made/taken, do you see the reality of how life will be within your relationship. I'm ready to move forward, obviously since I moved nearly one hundred miles to be with him, I want to see what the reality is once the commitments have been made and the relationship made permanent.
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We survived being together 24/7 for four days in a closed space and things are just as good if not better than before the trip. He is there for me, understands what I need and is in control of himself. I do not have to walk on eggshells. There are immediate repercussions when I do not follow rules and they have proven quite effective on the rare occasion he's needed to employ them. In all that he does and all that he is, he makes me feel special and cherished and "owned". He makes me want to serve him all the more. I'm very content and happy and encouraged.
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He says I am now where I belong. Life has been so busy that we have barely had time to notice that I have actually moved in. When we go to bed to sleep and his arms are wrapped around me, holding me tight, I am reminded that I am His and that I am wanted and cared for, that I "belong." We shall see how we handle all the adjustments of 24/7 life. I look forward to seeing how the future unfolds.
At this moment, i am happy and content.
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Tomorrow is it. I move to be with Him. I really can't wait to know and feel that my home is now with Him in reality.
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Well, this is it. I am moving in two days to be with Him full time. I'm so excited and so nervous. I want this to work and think it will if we both want it and work towards it.
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omg I am so nervous and scared. It is only a couple of weeks before we are to be living together. I know we are good for each other. I am scared I will let him down somehow and even more scared that he could turn out like the others and I don't know how I could withstand another liar or cheat. He has shown no signs of this, has been very open. I have no fears or suspiscions yet I cannot shake the worry. I wonder how many times a person can have their heart broken and their trust destroyed and still keep opening up for the chance of a good relationship.... Hopefully this will not be an issue. I'm trying to convince myself to think positively yet my past has me programmed to think otherwise. Makes it a bit difficult. |
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I am on the verge of being happy in a relationship that is growing and is healthy and caring. Why am I suddenly so scared? What makes it so hard to accept a positive relationship? I have run full tilt into negative harmful relationships in the past. I seem to hesitate on full committal to a positive relationship. I feel I deserve it. I just never believe it will last. I am full of what ifs such as what if he decides he doesn't want me, what if it doesn't work, what if I don't make him happy? I guess I need to start answering those with other what ifs such as what if he DOES want me, what if it DOES work, what if I DO make him happy?
Why can I not accept my own happiness as a real possibility?
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I so wish time and money would move faster. I have things to finish up and take care of before moving. He is being so patient with me. He is so unlike all other men/Doms I have known. This only increases my desire to serve him and make him happy. It definitely does NOT diminish him as a Dominant. My feelings for him grow stronger each day. It is only a matter of weeks before we share a home. It cannot come soon enough for me.
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I just cannot wait until the time I move to be with Him full time. I look forward to the day I become "officially" His.
There are so many obstacles to overcome prior to my moving in with Him. He's being very patient and understanding but I am still going to make it happen in October. I do have many things to work out yet but will get it done.
He makes me feel special, desirable, wanted, included, cared for and important. He treats me as a friend, companion, lover as well as a cherished sub/slave.
I enjoy the time I spend with Him. I am content at those times whether we are working on the car, watching a movie, talking, sleeping, having sex , all the things we do while together.
I hope to make Him happy. I hope He is content with me. I look forward to a very long life together getting to know one another and growing together.
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Oh, I hate leaving. He is at work and I have but a few hours before I have to leave for work and will not see him for at least a week. I certainly hope time flies quickly.
October is time for THE move. It seems so soon yet so very LONG from now.
I hate saying goodbye especially not knowing when one of us will be able to make the trip to see the other due to job and family obligations.
october brings an end to that issue. I look forward to that day.
Until I see him again, i just remember the voice in my ear saying "mine' and the plans he and i are making for our future. |
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"Under consideration" is a phrase that always bothered me in the past. It always seemed to be a way for Dominants to have the total devotion and service of a sub/slave without any of the responsibility.
I found one who does not seem to feel that way. He looks at the time of consideration to be a time of exclusivity for both parties, a time to get to know one another and devote themselves to seeing if the relationship has a chance of going further, a time to develop and grow together within the relationship.
I like that way of looking at it and cheerfully have embarked on that venture. Things are progressing nicely and in a forward direction.
Could it be I finally found the mythical creature? one who is honest and keeps his promises/his word? one who is as he presents himself? What a find; almost equivalent to finding the Holy Grail as rare as this creature seems to appear.
There is so much to gain here and so much to lose. I find myself giving more and more and delving deeper into this relationship. To date he is all he has said he was; honest, real, trustworthy and more. A betrayal at this point would be fairly destructive to myself and my submissive nature. I don't believe, however, that a betrayal is coming. I trust this man and believe he is worthy of that trust. I believe he possesses honor and integrity. I know he possesses me.
I look forward to this growing period and am hopeful with some slight assurance that it will culminate in a very positive and long lasting relationship in its fullest capacity.
Time will tell if I am right. |
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Tomorrow I go to stay with Him again. I am really looking forward to seeing Him, feeling His arms around me, His hands touching me, grabbing my hair, Him claiming me again and again. Seeing His face, His reactions/actions, knowing He wants me as His. I love just spending time with Him doing everyday things. Love how He keeps me close. I always feel special and wanted. It's gonna be a great weekend.
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Happy Birthday to me!!! It's my birthday and it's storming outside but I feel wonderful. My gift this years seems to be finding a wonderful Dominant to enjoy in my life. Life is good.
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I am in the beginning stages of what is starting off as a very positive relationship. The problem is now my past keeps rearing it's ugly head in suspicions and distrust. This man has done nothing to earn this. I'm certain it's due to past betrayals and abuse.
Is there a way to get rid of these feelings. I have shared them with him and he is very understanding but I don't want to keep harping on it as i dont want to distrust him nor do I want him to think I don't trust him or am accusing him.
He's been very up front and open and above board. I have no reason to suspect anything untoward. I'm very scared. Is there a way to deal with this?
I certainly hope so because I do not want to blow this because of some past losers. I'll be working on it. I'm hoping as time goes on and I keep seeing positive signs and no sign of betrayal that the feelings will dissipate and be gone altogether.
I do deserve to be happy. Don't I???? |
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I am sitting in his home while he is at work awaiting anxiously his return. Things certainly seem promising. I have hope that things can and will progress. So far we seem very compatible in all that is important and both are flexible in other things. We both look at relationships the same way. I am both excited and scared as it looks so hopeful. Unfortunately, others have appeared hopeful just to fall apart later. I will keep going, however, because I need to see and to give it an honest chance because I really like this man, not only as a Dominant but as a person. I love how he makes me feel as a person, a woman and as a submissive. We both know nothing and no one are perfect and that relationships always need maintaining and nurturing. He's shown me it's more than sex or merely having a "toy" or someone to control. It's so much more. He's showing me more than I've been able to even hope for in quite some time. I am doing my best to be myself and yet show him how i feel about him and how much I appreciate him. I long to have this work as I am already his and becoming more so as things progress. As time goes on, we seem to be drawing closer. We will see. I know I am very happy with him. |
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Dare I hope? Could this be? Will we prove to be the One each of us seeks? We are taking our first steps of discovery. I am hopeful yet cautious. I will dedicate myself to exploring the possibilities and employ my best efforts to do my part in making this a successful beginning to a lifelong journey...............Time will tell. |
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I am looking for an "old school" dominant with integrity and of quality and knowledge. I know they are out there. I must be patient as I do seek to find a life partner within a Ds relationship eventually.
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I would like to express my gratitude to those who contacted me after my last journal post. They have reassured me that there are still intelligent, friendly, respectful people on this site and in the lifestyle. I hope to continue to hear from them and to hear from more people like them and to develop friendships. Again, thank you. |
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I guess if you don't talk about sex and joyous servitude you don't get spoken to on here? I was hoping for a decent level of friendship and intelligence. Please tell me some of you qualify as someone who is not merely in this for games and sex. |
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I was taught early in life that you treat people respectfully and decently. You don't condemn, insult or give negative comments especially when unsolicited. I guess manners are not a strong value anymore. |
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What is it about submitting and giving yourself in totality that promotes such strong bonding and emotion? It seems love always evolves from the Ds relationship especially from the sub for the Dom. You feel your heart overflow with love for the one who just gave you pain, humiliated you, gave you pleasure etc. Your heart becomes His as much as your body already has. And if you receive that loving touch, look or even that love in return, it's like your world becomes complete and all you want to do is maintain this relationship and continue making Him happy. |
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I will start with the positive. I'm meeting intelligent people who understand that Ds is a circular mutually enriching lifestyle. I have talked with several I believe I can have great friendships with and some I feel could be potentially a Dom/the Dom for me.
That being said, what is with all the so called lifestylers who think Ds is selfish, self serving and all about what the other does for them? It seems to come from Doms who are out to be served or just to have an easy, kinky sex partner.
Those Doms will sour many good subs or potential subs on the lifestyle. It's all about growth fellas not just about what you can get them to do for you and to you or how you can punish them for "not enough enthusiasm" in a duty. |
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I came to collarme meet others in the lifestyle. I seek something specific and must get to know a man before I know if he is right for me. I make no promises and do not jump quickly into things. I want friendship as badly as a relationship. |
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