GONE FERAL......

STILL NO INTERNET AT HOME, having a very hard time getting to this site,  trying to catch up with people, but there's a huge pile of messages, so sorry.......

Hello again,

Well...

* I found a place to live, have been working hard to fix it up to make it a good place...  Not homeless due to the generosity of I friend I met HERE, years ago, and continue to have good friendship with....  so whenever you hear about all the bad here, don't forget the good people too....

* I don't have internet at all there, I may still be out of communications for awhile,  still trying to find McDonalds time...

* I am sorry, it will take me awhile to catch up on all the missed messages!

well, bad news....

my boyfriend was on photo safari in Africa when a herd of wild water buffalo stampeded and knocked him into the river, where he was eaten by giant Nile crocodiles,  it was so sad,  nothing left at all.....

Oh, wait, that's not quite right...

my boyfriend was out skydiving for the first time, and the pilot didn't see the helicopter way below, and he was about to drift into the blades, but the copter moved, and he fell directly into the powerlines below, so sad, all burned up......

I'm gonna miss him....

Oh, wait, no, update!, he was really just lying to me for the last 3 1/2 months, about his secret life...

I guess I won't miss him so much...... 

OK, sorry about the whimsical rant (not really sorry), hope I didn't offend anyone (if I did, try to get a sense of humor), just trying to deal with life's little trials with my own sense of humor, even if it is slightly warped (deservedly).....

Will be off CM till further notice, sorry if I am unable to pick up messages, I will when I can.

Trying to find new place to live, dealing with mundane crisis, sorry....

Well, the birthday weekend went REALLY well, and thanks for all the kind wishes....  some people seemed shocked that when I spend time here, it's not about cruising for tail -- I actually DO have friends here, and there are some nice people onsite....  sure, not everyone falls into that category, but I value the friends I have met and kept here. 

 YOU KNOW WHO YOU ALL ARE !

Well, it's my Birthday this week, and congradulations to me for making it past one more year!! 

What do I want for my birthday?

#1 -- a pair of super cool boots, knee high or over!

#2 -- a cast net for fishing, bait size

#3 -- a new set of dive fins and mask/snorkle

#4 -- a bottle of Chloe perfume

#5 -- a bottle of Kalua, Parrot Bay Coconut rum, or Amaretto

#6 --  well, what ever .....

Just joking, I am not really expecting anything but to survive this week.....

A friend of mine passed away this week...

She lived in Wisconsin, and there was nothing I could do to help her, she had terminal illness and there was nothing anyone could do to save her.  They found her while I was at a funeral here in Tampa, for another young woman, lost too soon.

Julz was a special kind of person, yeah, she was a drama queen, but would give you her last dime to help you, and joke about it later.  She was a little bitty woman, I could pick her up and throw her over my shoulder -- it seem a shame then that her so called fiance felt the need to beat her up and break her face, nose, teeth and ribs last year. 

She called me her big sister - sisy, but I could never help her.

She deserved better than she ever got.

We hadn't talked since December, had a bit of a spat and had basically made up, but hadn't been talking much. 

And this is why I am writing about this!!!

You never really realize how little time we can have, any of us -- to make up over arguements, to say a nice word or two, to make someone feel better, to be a better friend...... you never realize it untill it's too late....... if you have someone like this in your life, do what you need so you never have to say this to someone else from your own perspective!!!

Jewlz,  we will miss you, glad your pain is over, and hope the road you travel now will lead you to a better place....

Is it a sin or a virtue to be stubbornly optimistic that maybe, just maybe I might find someone compatable out here in CM land?

Sure, I've heard alot of complaints from others, that no one is real, that the place is full of scammers and frauds, but seriously, I really have met some very nice people on this site,

Just not the one I am needing for a fufilling relationship....

Oh, oh,  I said the "R" word....

So sue me, I am not looking for a quick "hook-up"...

Optimism, a virtue or a sin?

A PERFECT MOMENT....

So I made it out to the Madiera beach today, wanted to do some swimming for exercise.  Got out of the house late and fought rush hour traffic all the way there.

But it was Soooo worth it!

I found a nice little park, it was 6pm, and the sun shining nice, but not too hot.  The water was close to smooth, only very gentle waves.  The water tempurature was so perfect you could walk right in up to your shoulders with not even a shiver.

I put on my fins and mask and swam out, looking around and realizing that there were so few people out that it seemed like I almost had the ocean to myself. 

I excercised for awhile, and floated for awhile.  Laying across the top of the water with my hair flowing all around me, drifting with the wind, it was a beautiful feeling.  I stretched my arms out as if on a cross, and the ocean held me and cradled me while crying birds flew overhead and the bright clouds made an endless path above me. (Sure, I could not help but feel like I was a floating piece of bait just waiting for something to come up from out of the depths and take a bite out of an arm or a leg....but that would ruin my fun to think of too much....)

And the best part -- as I was about to swim back to the shallows, and the sun was close to setting, I felt an odd something bump my leg.  And then a small pinch with a bump. I thought it was just sea weed, maybe with something sharp on it.  It happens.... 
I was treading water, and I felt it again, sharply.  So I looked down into the water, and there was something dark like a strand of flat sea weed floating with me in the water.  I went to grab it, to throw it away from me, and it quickly wiggled out of my hand!!!!  It was a baby Remora fish!!!  It was only about a foot long, and as wide around as a "C" cell battery.  I could see its pointy little face and the suction-ey think on the top of its head. 
I was so shocked, I continued to tread water in the same spot, and, looking down with my mask, I could see it swimming parallel to my body, around my legs (despite the movement) around my torso, and even down my arms when I lowered them.  It even came close to my mask!  And it was biting me!   It would see a freckle and try to bite it with its little pinching mouth, and it was quite uncomfortable, but not horrible, so I did not disturb it.  Not until it found a small cut on my leg and tried to eat it!!

It swam with me for about 15 minets, and it was getting dark so I had to say good bye to my little friend.  Let it go on to scare the hell out of some poor tourist somewhere.....

It was a beautiful, perfect couple of hours...
I was sad I could not share it with someone special...
Wish you were there....

So many people on site,  looking, looking....  and not finding. 
It's disheartening to realize with so many people here there are so few that are happy. 
So few that have found that "just right" person.

This site tempts a girl to pour her heart out, to release the demons, so to speak.  It's easy, cause it's so impersonal, it's easy to think of it as a journal or a diary.  But it is not that - it's just one more window into a cold,cold world where all you want can be taken from you in an instant. Where deception and lies are common tender, and honesty has no reward.

I cannot be what other people want, only what I am. 
I sure hope that someday that will be enough.....

.....just comming back from the Lakeland FLICK party, -- what a great group of people!!!  If you are looking for a group to join, talk to Sebastian and the rest of the group, they are really good to know. 
And their dungeon is GREAT!
What a nice treat after such stressful times....

Well, here we are again.
I exist.  I have no expectations.
I do not aspire to be some sort of Domme Goddess or Submissive Slave-Queen.
I can smile, thinking that there is so much left to do, so much undone, and that somewhere.........
Somewhere out there is a person who will show me these things unseen, experiences undone.
I long to feel that firm hand on the back of my neck, clenching in my hair.
I long to feel the blade edge sliding along my skin, not cutting, no, but the true trust and the exhilerating rush as the mind follows the blade's path and all one's concentration is centered on that one.. fine.. edge........

To be Domme is to give, and give I have.
But I ask no forgiveness if now, in this day, in this moment, I wish to relive the exquisite release of receiving.

ONLY to the one who is right for me,   all else is dross and unbearable.

Who needs a switch or a flogger, when an unkind word can hurt for so much longer...?
Who needs bindings to be bound to a cross, when cruel memory binds the soul hour by hour, day by day.....?
And where is the release when there is no one to release you but your own self....
And the pain you still endure is all you have left...........
And yet, if that is all you have left of love, cherish it.....

Angelique's Top 10 List - Tonight's List?  Top 10 reasons why being in the hopital is better than being at home....-
#10- people are paid to pay attention to you
#9- all the sleep you can get, in 2 to 4 hr doses
#8- all the hot water in the shower that you want, plus a shower seat
#7- hospital gowns- what more need be said...
#6- roommates that cant get away from your conversations and bring crowdes of people into the room that you don't know
#5- Your room mate's friends and family getting to admire your hospital gown
#4- encouragement from the cafeteria staff on your weight loss plan - the food they send really does help you loose weight.
#3- no cooking, cleaning, or work of any sort other than trying to get to the rest room with out flashing anyone
#2- Lots and lots and lots of free drugs. Although the bad taste from the saline IVs and the itching from the morphine take a bit away from that, but try the morphine/benedryl combo, that's a winner...
AND THE #1 WINNER OF THE LIST:   FREE INTERNET FOR MY WiFi!!!!!
Yeah, let's hear it for the hospital!!!!!!