THINGS TO CONSIDER IN RELATIONSHIPS

What is a boundary?
Signs of ignored boundaries
Rational boundary building thinking
How to establish healthy boundaries
Steps to establishing healthy boundaries

What is a boundary?
A boundary is the:
* Emotional and physical space between you and another person.
* Demarcation of where you end and another begins and where you begin and another ends.
* Limit or line over which you will not allow anyone to cross because of the negative impact of its being crossed in the past.
* Established set of limits over your physical and emotional well-being which you expect others to respect in their relationship with you.
* Emotional and physical space you need in order to be the real you without the pressure from others to be something that you are not.
* Emotional and/or physical perimeter of your life which is or has been violated when you were emotionally, verbally, physically and/or sexually abused.
* Healthy emotional and physical distance you can maintain between you and another so that you do not become overly enmeshed and/or dependent.
* Appropriate amount of emotional and physical closeness you need to maintain so that you and another do not become too detached and/or overly independent.
* Balanced emotional and physical limits set on interacting with another so that you can achieve an interdependent relationship of independent beings who do not lose their personal identity, uniqueness and autonomy in the process.
* Clearly defined limits within which you are free to be yourself with no restrictions placed on you by others as to how to think, feel or act.
* Set of parameters which make you a unique, autonomous and free individual who has the freedom to be a creative, original, idiosyncratic problem solver.

Signs of ignored boundaries
You can tell boundaries are being ignored if there are one or more of the following characteristic symptoms:
Over Enmeshment: This symptom requires everyone to follow the rule that everyone must do everything together and that everyone is to think, feel and act in the same way. No one is allowed to deviate from the family or group norms. Everyone looks homogeneous. Uniqueness, autonomy and idiosyncratic behaviors are viewed as deviations from the norm.
Disassociation: This symptom involves blanking out during a stressful emotional event. You feel your physical and/or emotional space being violated and you tell yourself something like: "It doesn't matter." "Ignore it and it will go away soon enough.'' "No sense in fighting it, just hang on and it will be over soon.'' "Don't put up a struggle or else it will be worse for you.'' This blanking out results in your being out of touch with your feelings about what happened. It also may result in your inability to remember what happened.
Excessive Detachment: This symptom occurs when neither you nor anyone else in the group or family is able to establish any fusion of emotions or affiliation of feelings. Everyone is totally independent from everyone else and there doesn't seem to be anything to hold you and them together in healthy union. You and they seem to lack a common purpose, goal, identity or rationale for existing together. There is a seeming lack of desire from you and the other members to draw together to form a union because you fear loss of personal identity.
Victim-hood or Martyrdom: In this symptom, you identify yourself as a violated victim and become overly defensive to ward off further violation. Or it can be that once you accept your victimization you continue to be knowingly victimized and then let others know of your martyrdom.
Chip on the Shoulder: This symptom is reflected in your interactions with others. Because of your anger over past violation of your emotional and/or physical space and the real or perceived ignoring of your rights by others, you have a "chip on your shoulder'' that declares "I dare you to come too close!''
Invisibility: This symptom involves your pulling in or over-controlling so that others even yourself never know how you are really feeling or what you are really thinking. Your goal is not to be seen or heard so that your boundaries are not violated.
Aloofness or Shyness: This symptom is a result of your insecurity from real or perceived experiences of being ignored, roved or rejected in the past. This feels like a violation of your efforts to expand or stretch your boundaries to include others in your space. Once rejected you take the defensive posture to reject others before they reject you. This keeps you inward and unwilling or fearful of opening up your space to others.
Cold and Distant: This symptom builds walls or barriers to insure that others do not permeate or invade your emotional or physical space. This too can be a defense, due to previous hurt and pain, from being violated, hurt, ignored or rejected. This stance is your declaration that "I've drawn the line over which I dare you to cross.'' It is a way to keep others out and put them off.
Smothering: This symptom results when another is overly solicitous of your needs and interests. This cloying interest is overly intrusive into your emotional and physical space. It can be so overwhelming that you feel like you are being strangled, held too tightly and lack freedom to breathe on your own. You feel violated, used and overwhelmed.
Lack of Privacy: this symptom is present when you feel that nothing you think, feel or do is your own business. You are expected to report to others in your family or group all the detail and content of your feelings, reactions, opinions, relationships and dealings with the outside world. You begin to feel that nothing you experience can be kept in the privacy of your own domain. You begin to believe you don't have a private domain or your own space into which you can escape to be your own person.

Rational boundary building thinking
These are just a few examples of unhealthy thoughts or beliefs which allow boundaries to be ignored or violated. Following each unhealthy belief is a more healthy, rational, realistic, reality-based affirmation for healthy boundary building.
Unhealthy: I can never say "no'' to others.
Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right to say "no'' to others if it is an invasion of my space or a violation of my rights.
Unhealthy: It is my duty to hold them together.
Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right to take care of myself. If they want to stay together as a family or group, it is up to each individual to make such a decision. They all have equal responsibility to create the interdependency needed to keep us a united group.
Unhealthy: I can never trust anyone again.
Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right to take the risk to grow in my relationships with others. If I find my space or rights are being violated or ignored, I can assertively protect myself to ensure I am not hurt.
Unhealthy: I would feel guilty if I did something on my own and left my family or group out of it.
Healthy Boundary Builder: I have the right and need to do things which are uniquely mine so that I do not become so overly enmeshed with others that I lose my identity.
Unhealthy: I should do everything I can to spend as much time together with you or else we won't be a healthy family or group.
Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right and a need to explore my own interests, hobbies and outlets so that I can bring back to this family or group my unique personality to enrich our lives rather than be lost in a closed and over enmeshed system.
Unhealthy: It doesn't matter what they are doing to me. As long as I keep quiet and don't complain, they will eventually leave me alone.
Healthy Boundary Builder: I will never again allow my space and rights to be violated. I will stand up for myself and assert my rights to be respected and not hurt or violated. If they choose to ignore me, then I have the right to leave them or ask them to get out of my life.
Unhealthy: As long as I am not seen or heard, I won't be violated or hurt.
Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right to be visible and to be seen and heard. I will stand up for myself so that others can learn to respect my rights, my needs and not violate my space.
Unhealthy: I'd rather not pay attention to what is happening to me in this relationship which is overly intrusive, smothering and violating my privacy. In this way I don't have to feel the pain and hurt that comes from such a violation.
Healthy Boundary Builder: I choose no longer to disassociate from my feelings when I am being treated in a negatively painful way so that I can be aware of what is happening to me and assertively protect myself from further violation or hurt.
Unhealthy: I've been hurt badly in the past and I will never let anyone in close enough to hurt me again.
Healthy Boundary Builder: I do not need to be cold and distant or aloof and shy as protective tools to avoid being hurt. I choose to open myself up to others trusting that I will be assertive to protect my rights and privacy from being violated.
Unhealthy: I can never tell where to draw the line with others.
Healthy Boundary Builder: There is a line I have drawn over which I do not allow others to cross. This line ensures me my uniqueness, autonomy and privacy. I am able to be me the way I really am rather than the way people want me to be by drawing this line. By this line I let others know: this is who I am and where I begin and you end; this is who you are and where you begin and I end; we will never cross over this line so that we can maintain a healthy relationship with one another.

How to establish healthy boundaries
In order to establish healthy boundaries between yourself and others, you need to:
First: Identify the symptoms of your boundaries currently being or having been violated or ignored.
Second: Identify the irrational or unhealthy thinking and beliefs by which you allow your boundaries to be ignored or violated.
Third: Identify new, more rational, healthy thinking and beliefs which will encourage you to change your behaviors so that you build healthy boundaries between you and others.
Fourth: Identify new behaviors you need to add to your healthy boundary building behaviors repertoire in order to sustain healthy boundaries between you and others.
Fifth: Implement the healthy boundary building beliefs and behaviors in your life so that your space, privacy and rights are no longer ignored or violated.

Steps to establishing healthy boundaries
Step 1: In order to motivate yourself to establish healthy boundaries in your life, you first need to do a self-assessment if any symptoms of ignored or violated boundaries exist in your life. In your journal, record which of the following symptoms exist for you. For each symptom identified, detail what was the stimulus in your past for this behavior. Also detail how this symptom affects your current life. Lastly, describe how you feel about this symptom's a.
The Violated or Ignored Boundaries Symptoms
* Over-enmeshment
* Disassociation
* Excessive detachment
* Victim-hood or martyrdom
* Chip on the shoulder
* Invisibility
* Aloofness or shyness
* Cold and distant
* Smothering
* Lack of privacy
Step 2: Once you have identified the symptoms of your boundaries being ignored or violated and what the stimulus was for these symptoms, then you need to identify in your journal what unhealthy thoughts or irrational beliefs you have which led you to have your boundaries violated or ignored.
Step 3: After you have the irrational beliefs and unhealthy thoughts identified, then in your journal write down affirmations which are healthy boundary builders. You will need these boundary builders as you begin to take steps to protect your rights, privacy and personal space.
Step 4: In order to ensure your healthy boundaries are maintained, you next need to add the following behaviors to your healthy boundary builders repertoire. Each healthy boundary-builder behavior is linked to a respective Tools for Coping Series topic. To ensure the healthy boundary-building behaviors are in place, work out in your journal each of the "Steps to" sections of the boundary-builder behavior topics referenced.
Healthy Boundary-Builder Behaviors
* Building Trust
* Handling Insecurity
* Handling Fear of Rejection
* Handling the Need for Approval
* On Becoming a Risk taker
* Becoming Vulnerable
* Handling Intimacy
*Goal Setting in Relationships
* Overcoming Fears
* Improving Assertive Behavior
* Accepting Personal Responsibility
* Handling Conflict
* Handling Guilt
* Overcoming the Role of Victim or Martyr
* Handling the Use of Power and Control
* Handling Confrontation
* Handling Forgiving and Forgetting
* Creating a Healing Environment
* Developing Detachment
* Eliminating Over-dependency
* Eliminating Passive Aggressiveness
* Eliminating Manipulation
* Tempering Survival Behaviors
* Developing Self-Control
Step 5:Once you have completed acquiring the healthy boundary-building behaviors, then begin to implement them as you proceed in your relationships at home, work and in your community. If you find you are still experiencing your emotional and/or physical boundaries being ignored or violated, then return to Step 1 and begin again.
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Types of Intimacy
What is Intimacy?

Intimacy is a process – not a thing. It takes place over time and is not stagnant. In fact, any kind of stagnation in a relationship kills intimacy. Intimacy can also take many forms.

One form of intimacy is cognitive or intellectual intimacy where two people exchange thoughts, share ideas and enjoy similarities and differences between their opinions. If they can do this in an open and comfortable way, then can become quite intimate in an intellectual area.

A second form of intimacy is experiential intimacy or intimacy activity. Examples of this would be where people get together to actively involve themselves with each other, probably saying very little to each other, not sharing any thoughts or many feelings, but being involved in mutual activities with one another. Imagine observing two house painters whose brushstrokes seemed to be playing out a duet on the side of the house. They may be shocked to think that they were engaged in an intimate activity with each other, however from an experiential point of view, they would be very intimately involved.

A third form of intimacy is emotional intimacy where two persons can comfortably share their feelings with each other or when they empathize with the feelings of the other person, really try to understand and try to be aware of the other person’s emotional side.

A fourth form of intimacy is sexual intimacy. This is the stereotypical definition of intimacy that most people are familiar with. However, a this form of intimacy includes a broad range of sensuous activity and is much more than just sexual intercourse. It’s any form of sensual expression with each other. Therefore, intimacy can be many things for different people at different times.
Barriers to Developing and Maintaining Intimate Relationships

    Communication – one barrier is when a person enters a relationship with some mistaken notions about just what intimacy is, or misjudges the needs or the thoughts of the other person in the relationship. Communication or the lack of communication would be one of the main barriers to the foundation of an intimate relationship.

    Time – intimacy takes time to develop and a person who is not willing to allow for time for an intimate relationship to occur will not be able to develop that kind of relationship.

    Awareness – it is necessary for a person to be aware of him or herself and to realize what she/he has to share with another person. People who are not aware of themselves frequently are not able to be aware of other people, at least not in terms of the potentially intimate aspects of the other person.
    Shyness – reluctance to share oneself with another person can keep an intimate relationship from developing.

    Game Playing – people who act in stereotypical roles or try to play certain kinds of games, even if they’re intimate-appearing games (such as romantic games) cannot develop an intimate relationship with someone else simply because they are not being themselves. Game playing can be a detriment to the development of intimacy and can develop only when two people are being himself or herself in a significant way with another person.

How to Develop Intimate Relationships

    Awareness – be aware of yourself and start where you are and not try to start some other place. Start with the form of intimacy where you feel most comfort. If a particular form of intimacy is difficult for you, whether that’s intellectual, experiential, emotional, or sexual, that’s not the place for you to try to start to develop an intimate relationship with another person. If you’re more comfortable with intellectual intimacy, start by sharing thoughts, talking with another person about their opinions and ideas. Once comfortable in an intimate relationship on that basis, then other intimate areas can be approached and developed.

    Knowledge – every intimate relationship does not have to include all the different aspects or types of intimacy that’s been mentioned. Many compatible and satisfying intimate relationships can exist in any one of the four areas or any combination of those areas.

    Be quick to recognize the good qualities of the other.

    Give love rather than exact it.
    Express appreciation often.
    Be gentle in speech.
    Keep sharpness out of the voice.
    Practice little courtesies.

    Watch for chances to express affection and tender regard.

    Don’t make a practice of trying to get the other to follow your wishes. Give and take makes a much smoother road to explore.

    Make a habit of encouraging each other.

    “Thank you for sharing that with me.”

    “H’mm. That’s an interesting viewpoint—it’s a new thought to me.”

    “It really makes me feel special when you confide in me.”

    “I’m glad you told me how you feel about that—it makes me feel closer to you.”

    “I can tell that really means a lot to you.”

    “I really value your opinion.”
    “I’m not sure I agree with that idea, but I appreciate your sharing it. Let me think about it.” (And then do just that.)

    “When we share our ideas and thoughts like this, it makes me realize what emotional intimacy means; it’s really a special “bonding” feeling.”

    “I used to dream about being able to talk things over like this—it is so great that we are getting better and better at it.”

Suggested Books

Paperback Book / BK02902
400 pages / 6″ x 9″
U.S. $18.95
Psychology, Relationship
ISBN-10: 1-60407-939-8
ISBN-13: 978-1-60407-939-5
UPC: 600835-290289
Rights: World

Emotional Intimacy (August 2013)

Your Untapped Source of Strength, Freedom, and Connection
by Robert Augustus Masters, PhD


Emotions link our bodies, our thoughts, and our experiences at the deepest level. And the capacity to be intimate with our emotions, teaches Robert Augustus Masters, is the core skill for creating fulfilling relationships and living with awareness, love, and integrity. With Emotional Intimacy, this respected therapist and author invites us to explore:

• How to create a safe space for working with our emotions
• The ways that we numb our unwanted feelings, and how to
revive them and welcome them back
• How to identify our emotions and experience them skillfully
• Resolving and healing from old emotional wounds
• Steps for bringing greater intimacy into our relationships
• In-depth guidance for those facing depression and loneliness
• Why “blowing steam” can often make us feel worse, and
healthier options for emotional catharsis
• Navigating activity and stimulus overload, a collective
emotional pandemic of our times
• Individual chapters for engaging with fear, joy, jealousy,
shame, grief, awe, and the full spectrum of our emotions

There are no negative or unwholesome emotions—only harmful things we do with them. Through real life examples, exercises, and many useful insights, Masters provides here a lucid guide for reclaiming our emotions, holding them skillfully, and allowing them to resonate in ourselves and with others more deeply and richly.

    The Art of Loving. Eric Frohm - general information for the person interested in developing    Intimacy.

    What Do You Do After You Say Hello?. Eric Bern – a humorous book which directly deals with the initial stages of forming potentially intimate relationships.

    Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am?. Power – beneficial in helping people understand their own internal barriers to forming intimate relationships.

Discernment is the activity of determining the value and quality of a certain subject or event, particularly the activity of going past the mere perception of something and making detailed judgments about that thing. As a virtue, a discerning individual is considered to possess wisdom, and be of good judgement; especially so with regard to subject matters often overlooked by others.

Discernment basically means “sifting" through all the desires and values in your heart, " that discernment "is only secured by true humility.

Boundaries Make Freedom Possible

Boundaries are an essential part of life. They delineate and maintain needed borders and separations, making differentiation possible at every level. Boundaries both contain and preserve the integrity of what they are safeguarding, be that physical, psychological, emotional, social, or spiritual. Without them there is no relationship and therefore no development, no evolution. But despite this clear truth, we often fall into the trap of believing that boundaries hold us back, preventing us from being free or realizing nondual consciousness — whatever untroubled, idealized state we may aspire to. If we thus equate having boundaries with being limited and if being limitless is a cherished goal for us, we will tend to view boundaries as a problem, an obstruction to freedom, something to overcome.

Real freedom, however, is not about having no limitations; rather it is about finding liberation within—and also through—limitation (as when the apparent constraints of committed monogamous relationship actually enrich and deepen the relationship). Real freedom does not mind limitations and in fact is not limited by them.

Boundaries make freedom possible by clarifying what must be worked with, not just personally and transpersonally, but also interpersonally. Since everything — everything! — exists through relationship, it is crucial that we learn to work well within relationship, both with others and with our own needs, states, and identity. This work is not possible if our boundaries are not clearly delineated and skillfully maintained.

Whether our boundaries are collapsed, blurred, abandoned, trampled, disregarded, nurtured, overpoliced, cemented, or honored, they determine our edges, limits, borders. Boundaries may be overdefined, underdefined, or ambiguously defined. What really matters is what we do with our boundaries: Do we use them to fortify our ego or to illuminate it? Do we lose ourselves in them or hold them in healthy perspective? Do we use them to keep ourselves from love or to deepen our capacity to love? Do we concretize them or do we keep them flexible? Do we allow them to be overly permeable or do we allow them to be as solid as circumstances require? Do we use our boundaries to isolate ourselves or to create and deepen connection?

Without healthy boundaries, we cannot have healthy relationships.

Without healthy boundaries, we stunt our growth.

So what are healthy boundaries? They are steadfast guardians, serving both to contain and preserve the integrity of what they are safeguarding. Boundaries don’t just hold space; they make and honor space by keeping it appropriately compartmentalized. They keep particular aspects of us enclosed until they are sufficiently developed. A premature rupturing of self-encapsulation (as when we are forced into adult responsibilities when we are young children) interferes with our development, leaving us with leaky or otherwise dysfunctional boundaries.

A healthy boundary is a psychophysical presence — a kind of energetic membrane — possessing the necessary firmness to protect us from invasion, intrusion, violation, and other dehumanizing or life-negating forces, as well as the resiliency to soften and open to what is beneficial for us.

Healthy boundaries serve our highest good. They are akin to the loving parental hand that holds our hand as we take our first child-steps along a seaside wall or a playground ramp, gripping us neither too tightly nor too loosely. That touch, so reassuringly solid and steady, gives us the courage to venture farther afoot. As we mature, we will find that some of our boundaries can be expanded or made more permeable; for example, if we have an intimate partner, we can expand our boundaries to include him or her rather than collapsing or ignoring our boundaries in order to be close. Such expansion does not weaken our boundaries any more than expanding our love weakens it.

Healthy boundaries serve our evolution. Each developmental stage is fittingly nested in a cooperative complex of boundaries, holding us so that we can, as optimally as possible, navigate the terrain and learn whatever is needed (this process, of course, is often obstructed by factors like poor parenting or traumatic events). If we are overboundaried, we’ll stay too solidly put, remaining stuck in significant ways, with only part of us moving on (as when we keep developing cognitively but not emotionally or morally). And if we are underboundaried, we won’t stay with a particular stage long enough or go deeply enough to learn what we need to from it, thereby becoming little more than developmental dilettantes, touring rather than really living out particular stages of growth. Without healthy boundaries, we don’t grow; we age but don’t really evolve. Healthy boundaries set us apart without isolating us and bring us together without homogenizing us.

If we are inclined to be overboundaried — overbudgeting for defense — we wall ourselves in, confusing security with freedom. On the other hand, if we tend to be underboundaried — leaving the gates too open — we float on the periphery of embodied life, confusing fusion with intimacy, limitlessness with freedom, and excessive tolerance with compassion. Boundaries make containment possible, but does such containment protect or overprotect us, entrap or serve us, ground or cement us, house or jail us?

Those who are underboundaried tend to mistake collapsed boundaries for expanded ones; a collapsing (or outright dissolution) of boundaries may be seen as letting go or even transcending them. A similar mistake is made in our idealized view of romance, where the overwhelming urge to merge is seen as the ultimate state of love rather than as a temporary fantastical state that inevitably unravels over time. We may rationalize or glamorize this abandonment of boundaries as a kind of liberation, a casting-off of shackles in the service of transcendence and spiritual realization. As much as we might conceive of such radical expansion as a wonderful thing, confusing our flight from boundedness with true openness, we don’t realize we are not really expanding our boundaries, but rather neglecting them. For example, someone we are close to speaks very disrespectfully to us, clearly crossing a line, and instead of asserting ourselves with them, taking a needed stand, we leave their behavior unaddressed and unchallenged, thinking we are being compassionate with them, thereby disrespecting the very boundary of ours that was inappropriately crossed.

Abandoning our boundaries is not indicative of a higher or more noble state—however much we might spiritually rationalize this—but is just escapism and aversion, an avoidance of facing, entering, and moving through our pain. Dissociation in spiritual robes is still dissociation! We may make a virtue out of moving beyond the personal, perhaps thinking that we are transcending it, when in fact we are slipping into the domain of depersonalization (a well-known psychiatric disorder featuring disconnection from one’s sense of self). But depersonalization is not the same as the self-transcending or “no-self” realizations of advanced spiritual practice! It is just another form of dissociation (or unhealthy separation).

What is arguably the opposite of dissociation? Intimacy. And intimacy requires healthy boundaries. Healthy boundaries protect but do not overprotect; they stand guard but do not jail. If we keep ourselves overprotected, we don’t thrive but stagnate. And if we keep ourselves underprotected, we also don’t thrive but open ourselves undiscerningly, left in a state in which overabsorption is inevitable. We might protest: shouldn’t we be receptive? Yes, but overabsorption and receptivity are not necessarily the same thing!

Having healthy boundaries doesn’t mean a lack of receptivity; instead, it is a discerning receptivity, an openness that can just as easily say a full-blooded “no” as a “yes”. The undiscriminating openness and too easy “yes” (and possible show of equanimity) of those who are underboundaried is especially difficult to cut through when it’s taken to be a sign of spiritual attainment. When we cannot voice and embody an unequivocal “no,” allowing ourselves to be closed at times, our only way of protecting ourselves is to dissociate, to get away from what’s difficult rather than face and pass through it.

Where being overboundaried appears to promise freedom through security, being underboundaried seems to promise freedom through limitlessness. But both cut us off from living fully. This fact is usually obvious when we overprotect ourselves but not necessarily when we underprotect ourselves, especially when we legitimize our actions spiritually, making an unquestioned virtue out of our undiscriminating openness. For example, we may open our sexual boundaries in the name of universal love, reframing our multi-partnered sexual encounters as tantric practice, thinking we are being more openhearted than those “stuck” in monogamous relationships, since they, unlike us, are limited to just one partner. While our true nature is indeed limitless, the way in which it manifests in this world, in individual form, is necessarily equipped with boundaries. Boundaries may seem to divide up what which is undivided and whole, but it is through such division that a deeper, more integrated whole is created, in much the same way that cells, through their very division and differentiation, make tissue and organs—and an embodied us—possible. We cannot hope to mature and find true integration without first being clearly differentiated, vividly and unmistakably outlined. Good boundaries provide and support this essential differentiation in our lives.

The primary emotional state that functions to uphold our boundaries is anger—which is quite problematic for those who view anger as a merely negative state. This view is especially common in Buddhism, which (with the exception of Rinzai Zen and Tantric Buddhism) generally conceives of anger as no more than an afflictive or unwholesome state, confusing it with aggression. Classic Buddhist texts generally take a very negative view of anger, seeing no value in it per se (other than as something to transform into compassion), and much of contemporary Westernized Buddhism follows suit, not bothering to distinguish anger from aggression, confusing anger with what is actually done with anger, and advocating that practitioners not express anger, all the while failing see that compassion and openly expressed anger can coexist.

Those enmeshed in spiritual bypassing rarely see any value in anger, being too busy avoiding it to recognize its value and function as an energetic guardian of our boundaries. We tend to try not to look or act angry, even when we are raging inside, turning away from the very forcefulness and fieriness that empowers us to properly enforce our boundaries. Without free access to our anger, our “no” lacks the intensity (however quiet it might be) and strength to have the impact it needs, and our “yes” remains anemic, cut off from real vitality. Not having the voice and energy to assert the boundaries we need leaves us at the mercy of forces that may be detrimental to us.

Boundaries allow differences to play their essential role by preserving our autonomy and making healthy interrelatedness possible—a fact clearly illustrated in mature relationships, in which there is deep communion without any dilution of one’s sense of self. In such relationships, we don’t discard our boundaries to make meaningful connections; we expand our boundaries to include the other without short-changing ourselves. Such inclusion has room not only for shared love and joy but also for shared pain.

Imagine a place with no pain, no judgment, no nasty moral dilemmas, a place where whatever happens is just karma, just the perfection of Being unfolding as it must. Imagine not just visiting there or dreaming of being there, but actually dwelling there. Such is the narcotic promise of spiritual bypassing. This is a dream not to fulfill but to awaken from. Of course we yearn for freedom, for real transcendence, but we need to have something from which to take flight. Healthy boundaries provide the ground for stable footing. Spiritual bypassing, however, uproots us before we’ve established such ground, mostly through its devaluing of the personal and interpersonal in favor of “higher” realities, and its accompanying neglect of boundaries. Along the way, relational intimacy is left mostly by the wayside, as if it were little more than some vestigial practice for those misguided souls still trying to have a worldly relationship free from spiritual ambition.

We are not here to shed or abandon our boundaries, but to breathe integrity and strength into them, to fully illuminate them, and to make sure that they take a form that serves not only our highest good but also the highest good of all. We are not here to override or devalue our boundaries but to use them as wisely as possible, valuing the personal and interpersonal as much as the transpersonal, and discovering the freedom in fully engaging our experience. Our boundaries stand as guardians on this path, with an authority that supports our growth and awakening.

Transformational Changes

To exchange Love, Life and Laughter on the

levels that all can internally accept.

Attending to the compelling choices from the

depths of My heart to follow through with My

Dreams bound in My Soul and substance.

Individually and collectively. My motivations

come from awareness of consequences, My

Intelligence, My desires, My Dreams, Creativity of

efforts weaving itself into transformed

change.

~MDR~

Wants or Needs?

Written By a Unknown submissive. I hope this posting helps those in this struggle.

Wants or Needs?

Not everything you desire is a need, in fact most of them are wants and not a need at all. Separating the two can be difficult and yet if you don't you may risk seeing your Mistress as a bad Mistress, inferior maybe, because She is not fulfilling all what you think are needs.

One of the ways i can separate the two is to look at the desire and ask myself

"If i don't have this will i be hurt, lost, confused, scared, unfulfilled? will i be tempted to look to someone other than Mistress for this? Without this is my welfare whether it be mental or physical at risk?"

If i can honestly answer yes to all of them then it really is a need and if your Mistress is not fulfilling it then you need to talk and maybe accept She isn't the right Mistress for you, if not then it is merely a want and the fact that Mistress is not fulfilling it is not a reason to judge Her. you can bring it up with her if you wish but remember what you want isn't an issue only what you need !!!

The fact a Mistress doesn't do what you want is to me irrelevant, as far as i am concerned it is more a matter of Her doing what She wants so long as my needs are met and my overall welfare is well then i have no problems. If you consider that all your wants should be met and that She has a duty to fulfill them all then maybe it is time to rethink, time to look again at yourself, are you truly a submissive at heart? is the M/s lifestyle really for you? a pet/sub/slave cannot realistically expect to get everything they want when they want it, however it isn't unreasonable to expect your needs to be taken care of.

The following are wants that i initially looked upon as needs but have since realized are merely wants....

1) I want to see Her more often, more regular say once a day.
2) I want to play harder, explore further.
3) I want to act out every submissive fantasy i have ever had.
4) I want Her to not be so 'nice' to me, refuse me more, be harsher, sterner, more demanding.
5) I want Her to know without me saying what it is i am feeling and fix it.
6) I want never to fight Her, resist Her, spaz/panic or freak at Her.
7) I want Her to punish me when *i* feel i deserve it to make me feel better not just when She decides punishment is warranted.
7) I want a rigid set of rules to live by daily.
I want loads of demanding and challenging tasks to complete.

All of the above as much as i would enjoy them as much as i want them i can live happily without and are not required to keep me safe and well. just because i may not get them simply means She decides not to and doesn't mean She is failing in Her responsibilities.

If you don't like the fact that your wants are not met then you either accept it or ask for release and begin the search for someone that is maybe more suited to you however no Master/Mistress will allow a sub/slave to issue a list of demands however a good Master/Mistress will take them into consideration whether in an existing relationship or a new one.

Asking your Master for what you want can be difficult as many can see it as being 'too demanding' 'unsubmissive' 'controlling' i know that i personally find it difficult to tell Master what i want for fear of the fore mentioned assumptions being made.

Ultimately you can request anything you wish to but the final decision is made by the Master/Mistress so She does still retain the control, asking will never guarantee you getting !!! She will know how to say "No!" and if She doesn't then maybe that issue needs to be addressed before you continue any further. Asking for something doesn't imply you are not a true submissive doesn't mean you are 'topping from the bottom' it simply means you are secure enough with your Master/Mistress to voice your desires and that is a good thing any Master/Mistress that refuses you the chance to make such requests regardless of if She pays any attention to them or not is in my opinion either insecure or has a misconceived idea of what a Master/Mistress should be.

The following are things i need, things that without will leave me feeling 'lost, unfulfilled, scared and confused'

1) I need to be able to trust Her 100%
2) I need to feel safe with Her, know that no matter what i may do or say he wont act irrationally.
3) I need to feel owned, controlled even overpowered by someone that enjoys doing it and know that he isn't simply doing to please me or out of obligation.
4) I need to know that during play She is enjoying what She is doing to me, that She is getting as much pleasure from it as i am regardless of if its pain or pleasure She is administering.
5) I need to feel obedient to Her, know She is in charge.
6) I need to know i cannot escape Her or deceive Her.
7) I need to know i can't push Her into things, talk Her round, get what i want from Her.
I need to be sure of Her stability.
9) I need to know She understands and accepts my health issues.

All the above are genuine needs, not just wants and i do get all of them, ok so at times i don't think that way but that is my own personal insecurities and doubts that cause me to believe otherwise not the fact i am not getting them.

These needs are i have found shared by most pet/subs/slaves and i feel it is the Masters/Mistress responsibility to ensure they are met, they are not really huge expectations however they are important ones if the relationship is going to go anywhere or have a future. if your needs are not met you will without doubt become unhappy and unsettled.
If you feel your needs are not being met then its time to talk, explain to your Master/Mistress what it is you require and why, also explain why you feel you are not getting it as She may well be trying to give you it but in the wrong way. Communication is very important and as hard as it is to basically tell your Master/Mistress that you don't think She is doing Her job correctly it is something that has to be done. Now i am not suggesting you just blurt it out as "Hey Mistress, You isn't doing this right, You should be doing this this and this...." that is a sure fire way to 1) not get it and 2) land yourself in trouble!! but bringing the matter up accordingly and explaining yourself shouldn't if She is a good Mistress cause problems if anything She should welcome the feed back and at worse view it as constructive criticism after all it is solely to improve the relationship not to destroy it.

Should you find that even after discussing it you are still not getting what you need then it is time to possibly move on and find a Mistress that is prepared to or can fulfill your needs, not really a nice thought for those already collared or in a serious relationship but ultimately it is your welfare and possibly even health that is at risk and is any woman or Mistress worth that?

As i have said before a pet/sub/slave has a voice and shouldn't ever be afraid to use it so long as it is done respectfully in regards to matters like this and any Mistress that disregards Her pet/sub/slaves welfare, thier needs isn't a true Mistress's anyway.

~MDR~

Code's of Chivalry Long Forgot

Prowess: To seek excellence in all endeavor's expected of a knight, martial and otherwise, seeking strength to be used in the service of justice, rather than in personal aggrandizements.

Justice: Seek always the path of 'right', unencumbered by bias or personal interest. Recognize that the sword of justice can be a terrible thing, so it must be tempered by humanity and mercy. If the 'right' you see rings not with others, and you seek it out without bending to the temptation for expediency, then you will earn renown beyond measure.

Truth: Speak always the truth. To lie is to dishonor your Lord/Madame, yourself, and the powers of Good. It is an injustice.

Loyalty: Be known for unwavering commitment to your Lord/Madame and ideals you choose to live by. There are many places where compromise is expected; loyalty is not amongst them.

Defense: The ideal knight was sworn by oath to defend his liege Lord/Madame and those who depended upon him. Seek always to defend your Domain, your family, and those to whom you believe worthy of loyalty.

Courage: Being a knight often means choosing the more difficult path, the personally expensive one. Be prepared to make personal sacrifices in service of the beliefs and people you value. At the same time, a knight should seek wisdom to see that stupidity and courage are cousins. Courage also means taking the side of truth in all matters, rather than seeking the expedient lie. Seek the truth whenever possible, but remember to temper justice with mercy, or the pure truth can bring grief.

Faith: A knight must have faith in his beliefs, for faith roots him and gives hope against the despair that human failings create.

Humility: Value first the contributions of others; do not boast of your own accomplishments, let others do this for you. Tell the deeds of others before your own, according them the renown rightfully earned through virtuous deeds. In this way the office of knighthood is well done and glorified, helping not only the gentle spoken of but also all who call themselves knights.

Largess's: Be generous in so far as your resources allow; largess used in this way counters gluttony. It also makes the path of mercy easier to discern when a difficult decision of justice is required.

Nobility: Seek great stature of character by holding to the virtues and duties of a knight, realizing that though the ideals cannot be reached, the quality of striving towards them ennobles the spirit, growing the character from dust towards the heavens. Nobility also has the tendency to influence others, offering a compelling example of what can be done in the service of rightness.

Should you succeed in even a tiny measure then you will be well remembered for your quality and virtue.

Modern Chivalry

* Administer justice.
* Always keep one's word of Honor.
* Always maintain one's principles.
* Avenge the wronged.
* Avoid cheating.
* Avoid deception.
* Avoid lying to your fellow man.
* Be polite and attentive.
* Be respectful of host, women, and Honor.
* Crush the monsters that steal our land
and rob our people.
* Defend the weak and innocent.
* Destroy evil in all of its monstrous forms.
* Die with Honor.
* Die with valor.
* Exhibit Courage in word and deed.
* Exhibit manners.
* Exhibit self-control.
* Fight for the ideals of king, country, and
chivalry.
* Fight with Honor.
* Live for freedom, justice and all that is
good.
* Live one's life so that it is worthy
of respect and Honor.

* Loyalty to country, Honor, freedom, and
the code of chivalry.
* Loyalty to one's friends and those who lay
their trust in thee.
* Never abandon a friend, ally, or noble
cause.
* Never attack an unarmed foe.
* Never attack from behind.
* Never betray a confidence or comrade.
* Never use a weapon on an opponent not
equal to the attack.
* Obey the law of country, and
chivalry.
* Protect the innocent.
* Respect life and freedom.
* Respect those of the opposite sex.
* Show respect to authority.

~MDR~

You give us the chance to grow spiritually.
A path to follow to your blessed bosom.
Within the dark we discover our self.Eyes shut tight.Ears hear naught.
Walk ahead ever so bold Goddess love is our light. Let fear slip into the night.
Take a step and break the mold that entraps our minds, body's and souls.
Within the dark we discover our self.
It is this belief that lends itself to seeking out the answers to such mysteries through deep and personal introspection. The fury of the moment plays folly with the truth; to keep ones head is a virtue.

Have pride in thyself, and seek perfection in body and in mind.Life is not all sugar and cream and to better appreciate life and indeed to grow spiritually we must be aware of this fact.

"How can thou honor another unless thou give honor to thyself first?"
Refrain from speaking ill of others, for not all truths of the matter may be known. Pass not unverified words about another, for here-say is, in a large part, a thing of falsehoods.Threefold Law-Karmic law or retribution-anything you do comes back to you three times over whether you do good or bad
"This above all...to thine own self be true..." Solitary and skyclad,,in prayer to the blessed Goddess. Blessed Be.

~MDR~

~Drifting thoughts of envisioned embraces~

Drifting Depths Encircling are My thoughts as I lay My body to rest. Allowing desired solitude to endrench My mind leading Me to the path of My sought for covenant. Reaching deep within My soul reaching out towards yours.All My senses drift to a calm. I envision your soul entering Mine.As our souls intertwine the warmth caresses My flesh, My mind flys into sinful devourments of your glistening flesh. Feeling your minds perceptions of your needs reaching inward smelling the essences of sexual desires. Imprisoned as the moments of your touch embrace My yearnings to feel each caress. Tenderly your lips pressed against Mine, drifting through each yearned for desire as the warmth of our souls unite. Feeling of rhythmic explosions surround Me As My contentment fulfills a calm sense of oneness endrenches My soul. I lay embraced within your arms body tingling as we harmoniously mesh our bodies into one. Speaking deep thoughts as we drift off into integrated naked bliss.I drift off into My depths of serenity.
Whispering~Good Night ~

~MDR~

~Arrogance of Love~
Growing power in its pursuit of growing its own bonds of desire.Pulled into its universal dream of capturing Me as human star dust.Its challenge is more than a enticing possibility, for self love has become a collective necessity a matter of survival. Deverse yet sharing one root. Its novelty and complexity racing ahead of our indivdual capcity to understand and respond. Daunting choices about how to respond to all the changes that seem to force Me forward. All the compelling choices from the depths of My heart to follow through with My dreams bound in My soul and substance. Individually and collectively My motivations come from awarenes of consequnces, My intelligence, My desires, dreams, creativity of efforts weaving itself into transformal change. Less than half wise making My road as I walk it, forging My own new destiny.
~MDR~