It’s important to know who – and what – you are . . . .

A man is sitting next to a gorgeous young blonde at a bar.

“I wonder,” he muses, “would you go to bed with me for a million dollars?”

The babe thinks for a few moments as she mindlessly strokes the drink in front of her and looks him up and down. “Well, yes, I would” she finally says.

“So,” he continues, “Want to fuck for five bucks?”

She’s now repulsed and spits out indignantly, “You bastard, what kind of woman do you think I am?!?!”

“Well,” he responds firmly, “we’ve already established that. Now we’re just haggling over the price.”

Marital Problems

My wife and I were having some marital problems and our “intimate” life had suffered significantly. So we went to a marriage councilor who had us tap back into all the things that had first drawn us to one another and made us fall in love – and lust!

“Now, I want you to go home, and when one of you looks at the other, remember those early, exciting things and spontaneously initiate an encounter” the councilor told us.

A week or so later we had our next appointment and our mentor asked how things had gone since she last saw us.

“Well,” I had to say, “er . . . not so well.”

“Okay, so tell me what happened,” she insisted.

A bit red-faced with embarrassment I began my report:

“We were about to have dinner one evening and I looked across the table at my wife and suddenly I saw her as I had seen her when I first met her years ago. She was beautiful, incredibly sensual, hot with a look of wanton pleasure. As I gazed silently at her I suddenly became uncontrollably aroused, my cock shot to attention inside my pants and there was nothing I could do except jump up, swipe everything off the table, rip off all our clothes, throw her down on the table and fuck her violently for what seemed like hours. I was a wild man, pumping in her cunt, her mouth even her ass. Finally, after she orgasmed I don’t know how many times she came one last, intense time as I erupted inside inside her more powerfully than I ever had.”

“It sounds like the sex was wonderful, yes?” the therapist inquired.

“Incredible – the best ever,” I answered. The deep red flush on my wife’s face and her inability to look either of us in the eye made an answer from her unnecessary.

“So,” the now confused councilor continued, “why do you seem unhappy about the encounter?”

“Well,” I replied with some regret, “they made it very clear that they’re not going to let us back in Friendly’s again!”

A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO KROGER
Yesterday I was at my local Kroger buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say ‘99’."

The old guy obeys and says, "99."

The doctor says, "Great. Now, turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'."

Again, the old guy says, “99.”

The doctor say, “Very good. Now then, I want you get on your hands and knees. I'm going to stand behind you to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'."

The old guy begins, "One ... Two ... Three ...”

Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be.

The first one stopped and took a pill. "What was that?" The others asked her. "Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy."

A few minutes later, another woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked. "Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong."

They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her. "It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"

The Indian With One Testicle



There once was an Indian who had only one testicle

and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that

name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally

cracked and said,'If anyone calls me Onestone

again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called

him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird

forgot and said, 'Good morning,Onestone.' He

jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into

the forest where he made love to her all day and

all night. He made love to her all the next day,

until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what

he promised he would do. Years went by and no

one dared call him by his given name until A woman

named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being

away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was

overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him

and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,

then he made love to her all day, made love to her all

night, made love to her all the next day, made love to

her all the next night, but YellowBird wouldn't die!

Why ???








You can't kill Two Birds with One Stone!!!

Seriously people politics doesn't need to be all that complicated ....just pave the roads and bring back the bush (and I'm not talking about the president) ....while you're at it , when you're going to fuck me in the ass AT LEAST pull my hair!!!

LAUGHS , it needed to be said publicly puppet. winks.

D

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?" The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"

The teacher asked little Johnny to give her an example of a four sylable word.
Johnny thought for a moment then replied "mas.. tur.. ba.. tion.."
The teacher was a little taken back but finally replied "my that is a mouthful."
To which Johnny replied "no, that would be a blowjob."

Thanks for that one redd0g. and good morning to you.

Again , many many thanks to clearshooter for this one .

THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?' Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure

Lesson 2: A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry, sister, but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4 An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5 A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6 A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut! THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious languages of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone working on a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper anywhere.

 It has long been known = I didn't look up the original reference.

A definite trend is evident = These data are practically meaningless.

While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions = An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.

Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study = The other results didn't make any sense.

Typical results are shown = This is the prettiest graph.

These results will be in a subsequent report = I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

In my experience = once.

In case after case = twice.

In a series of cases = thrice.

It is believed that = I think.

It is generally believed that = A couple of others think so, too.Correct within an order of magnitude = Wrong.

According to statistical analysis = Rumor has it.

A statistically oriented projection of the significance of these findings = A wild guess.

A careful analysis of obtainable data = Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over my coffee.

It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs= I don't get it.

After additional study by my colleagues= They don't get it either.

Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions = Mr. Blotz  did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.

A highly significant area for exploratory study = A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field = I quit.

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. T-square, do your stuff. T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, Spreadsheet, do your stuff. Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, Measure, do your stuff. Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, What can your dog do? The Government Worker called to his dog and said, Coffee Break, do your stuff. Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

Have you seen this one before?:) ----------------------- An Alexander County Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles north of the Missouri state line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to be late. The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in. The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, Might as well take my ass on to jail, theres no way in hell I can pass that test.

**The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and tests were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman.

  For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."

  The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

  The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

  The second man was given the same instructions.

  He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came outwith tears in his eyes.

" I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

  The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

  Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

 She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted Crazy and then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so, that the boss might think I was crazy and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, What in the name of good GOD are you doing? I told him I was a light bulb. He said, You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days. I jumped down and walked out of the office... When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, ..And where do you think you're going? She said, I'm going home,too. I can't work in the dark.

Again thank you clear shooter for these entries. I LOVE em!

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

 Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!

 They put in a correction the next day.

 Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says No, really? Ya think?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over What a guy!!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

 Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant See if that works any better than a fair trial! War Dims Hope for Peace I can see where it might have that effect!

 If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Who'd a' thought!

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide They may be on to something!

 Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? Oklahoma's new construction program!

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge He probably IS the battery charge!

 New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Weren't they fat enough?

 Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Do they taste like chicken?

 Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors What's the matter... doorways not high enough? And the winner is....

 Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Did I read that right?

Wisdom of Larry the cable guy

 1. A day without sunshine is like night.

 2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

 3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

 4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

 5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

 7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

 8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

 9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

 10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

14. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

15. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

 16. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

 17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

18. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

19. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

20. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering 'What the heck happened?'

21. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

 22. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

23. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him back to their camp to meet the chief.

The chief says to the cowboy, "You going die, but we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. At sundown third day, you die. What first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off.

Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.

The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man... only think one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What wish today?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back.

Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.

The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man going die tomorrow ... can only think one thing."

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This last wish, white man. What want?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips you idiot! POSSE, damn it!

P-O-S-S-E!"

thank you cbtman for this one ...it needed to be posted.

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body and Buddy didn't have any family nearby, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Better roll him over to be sure." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, that defiitely ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you be so sure just by looking at his backside?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes???" said the mortician.
"Yup!, everyone knew he had two assholes. Why, everywhere we went, everyone always said 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"

Divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked," What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No, he said, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar." she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said," Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied,"We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please. . . "he tried again,"is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded,"about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

 Finally, in frustration, the judge asked,"Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he can't communicate with me !!"

 Thank you for that one clearshooter.

HELP HELP HELP ....I need more jokes and stories ...the journal here is starting to get boring.

everyone , anyone with any good ones to share PLEASE foward them to be posted here ....we all need to be reminded to laugh.

Ok , I just found this one absolutely hysterical and am still trying to dry the tears from my eyes.

Ok , this is kind of a new one for me , I normally post the text jokes ......but I happened across this video (actually my kids showed it to me) and thought it was just too good to keep to myself. So , here goes , I'm going to try and post the link . I do hope someone lets me know if it works or not.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NDPT0Ph5rA

Thank you tom3141 for this submission too...I LOVE IT

After 40 years of service in a friendly small-town community, the old mailman was going to retire. On his last day of service, people greeted him at the door, wished him well and gave him gifts.

The lady on 69, Main Street did not give him a gift. Instead she invited him to her bedroom. Upstairs, she knelt before him, unzipped him and took his cook in her warm, experienced mouth. When he finally got hard, she made him lie on the bed, let his cock slide into her wet and willing pussy and rode him cowgirl style, until he released his hot cum deep inside her quivering cunt.

Happy and spent, she led him into the kitchen where a breakfast table laden with fresh fruit, croissants, toast, crispy bacon, eggs, coffee and juice awaited him. After enjoying his breakfast and regaining his strength, he got up and searched for words to thank her.

She just smiled and put a dollar bill in his pocket. Somewhat bewildered, he uttered: "Ma'm, this gotta be the best day in my life. But what's with the dollar bill?"

"Well, last night I talked to my Hubby about today being your last day, and we should do something really nice for you. Hubby just said: Fuck him. Give him a dollar. - But the breakfast was my idea."

Thank you "subbay" for sending this one ...it's very cute and worth a post here.

One morning saint peter opened the gate to heaven to find 3 nuns waiting there. “Good morning sisters, and welcome to heaven” he exclaimed. Good morning saint peter” they chorused back. “ Now “, he said, lowing his voice to a conspiratial whisper, I want to tell you that this is your last chance to confess before going in and meeting the big guy, Soo… if there is any little thing that you never really confessed down below, why this is your last chance to get it out and done with……” The first nun in line turns bright red and whispers, “Well, Saint Peter, I once touched a mans private parts with my hand” Saint Peter just smiled and said “And which hand would that be sister” “That would have been my right hand, Saint Peter!” “Well, you just walk right over there to that fountain and wash your right hand. It’s pure holy water, it will cleanse you of your sins, and then you may proceed into heaven!” And he turns to watch her walk off smiling to a beautiful fountain bubbling into a pool in the courtyard. He turns back just in time to see the last nun push her way in front of the second nun in line. “Now, now, sister, what’s the meaning of this! There’s no cause to hurry, there’s plenty of room in heaven for everybody. “ I know that Saint Peter”, The second nun said, jerking her thumb over her shoulder at the nun behind her, “ but I just don’t want to have to be drinking out of that stuff AFTER she has been sitting in it!!”

One day Mom was cleaning junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

I need more jokes and stories ...surely some of y'all that read this have some favorites stashed away somewhere ...PLEASE send them.

subinnorcal sent Me this one ...it was worth sharing 

One night before going to bed, two brothers (ages 9 and 11) decided that they were going to each say a curse word to their mother at breakfast the next morning. One will say "hell" and the other will say "ass". They went to bed very nervous and excited for their plan. The next day, they woke up and headed into the kitchen for breakfast where their mother was waiting. The older boy decided to go first. His mother asks, "What would you like for breakfast honey?" His reply, "aw hell Ma, give me some Cheerios!" The mother is stunned and slaps her oldest son across the face, sending him crying back to his room. She turns to the younger boy. "And what do YOU want?" she asks. "I'm not sure Ma, but you can bet your ass it's not Cheerios!"

STUTTERING CAT......as explained by a 4th grade pupil,

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade class. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter",she says. 

A little girl raises her hand..."I had a kitty cat that stuttered." 

Knowing how precious some of these stories can be, the teacher asked the little girl to describe the incident. 

"Well," she began , " I was in the backyard with my kitty when the rotweiler that lives next door got a running start..before we knew it he had jumped the fence into our yard!" 

"That must have been scary," the teacher says. 

"It sure was!" said the little girl. "My kitty said Fffffff Fffffff FFFFFFFF, but before she could say FUCK the rotweiler ate her." 

The teacher had to leave the room.

The Mexican maid asks for a pay increase.

 The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

 She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

 Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

 Maria: 'Jor husban' say so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

 Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Jor husban' did.'

Wife: 'Oh..'

Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.'

 Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'

 Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'

More things to think about on a daily basis ..laughs.

WAY WAY TOO GOOD NOT TO SHARE!!!!!!

We've all done it...

I went to Bunnings ( Australian equivalent of Home Depot ) recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to shit yourself road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.


Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.


Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Bunnings, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.


Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chilli from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.


There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a
noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the
inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but
leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at
Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.

Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

so , i was recently asked if i ever looked back on my life with regrets ....and while this seems like a very simple "yes or no" question on the surface ....here's the only honest answer i could give ....

I am the sum total of ALL of my experiences so far ......good , bad and indifferent. So to look back and feel "regret" is to look at myself now with something less the total accpetance and love. I WON'T allow that

A bad attitude , an out of control temper , and a tendency toward periodic bouts of uncontrollable violence.....I'll be damned if those aren't considered my GOOD traits.

So apparently i change colors as often as i change moods (wow , that's alot)
As i sit with a length of seemingly harmless rope in my hands ......idly fondling it and intertwining it between her fingers .....he thoughts turn to darker ideas (chuckles)
Such a harmless little thing , but put in the right hands is capable of inflicting SUCH great discomfort for extended periods of time without wearing out or getting tired