I am sauced and where does my mind go? It goes to promoting K.I.P and doing serious work. Slightly difficult while sauced. I look at and I look on here and I ponder why the bloody hell do I not have these people attending our munches/activites. Why the hell isn't BDSM more accepted? This would be so much easier if I didn't live in a vanilla world/conservative area. Curse you bible thumpers.

(K)ink (I)n (P)ennsylvania

K.I.P is Williamsport's local group that I head up with some great help from a local Mistress who has been in the lifestyle for a long period of time and has run another group. We are a group that meets the first Thursday of every month at a local cafe in their side room. This room is private and we often close the doors. Our membership is slowly expanding, much to my delight but we do have a great core group.

Our group stresses safety and education. We try to have one activity a month besides our Munches, in fact we have a shibari demo the first week of April (only active members may attend demos and/or play dates). K.I.P also host an S Social for slave/subs/switches which also occur once a month at a local bar/grill.

We are a private group that has little/no drama and has great fun together. However, there is no "hooking up" within our group. We stress SAFTEY and there is no trolling allowed under any circumstances. Our rules are firm and the consquences are harsh for those that break them.

If you are interested in attending one of our Munches/activites, please message me for more details and to set up a time for an interview. As I said before, I don't play lightly with my saftey or the saftey of our group.

Please refrain from trolling me. I am not stupid. I am not desperate for a play partner. I am not desperate for a Master. I know what I want and I will not settle for less. Go hunting elsewhere. All you will recieve from me is a message tearing you up one side and back down the other.

I suppose it is time to update this thing. It has been some time since I have been on this site and/or updated things. Things have calmed down for now, until May, that would be when I am getting my very own place. There will be lots of work that needs to be put into that. I am rather excited for that one. I am also running (with the help of a great Mistress) Williamsports local group. That keeps me busy.

I try to run socials for the stypes (they will be starting here in about two weeks). Our first demo is coming up, I am excited for that one, it will be on Shibari and knife play. Also, we are going to be planning monthly activities whether they be a pool night or discussing a book :P So I am keeping busy between K.I.P (Kink in Pennslvania) and work.

Again I state, if anyone is really looking to talk with me, I highly recommend emailing me on my account. My name is Misfit_Toy. I am more active on there than I am here. Although, I do check my email should it be sent to me :P I am not that rude to ignore a WELL written message.

Why does every Dominate/Master feel the need to place in his profile how long he has been in the lifestyle? I really don't care if you have been here for five years or five weeks. It is about the knowledge you have. You can be in the lifestyle for 5 years and still be a bloody ignorant jackass that hasn't the bloody foggiest idea what you are doing. In fact...some of you that brag you have been around for a while are the ones that make the most mistakes and are the biggest arrogant jackasses.

While on the other hand I have met a novice Master who has such a beautiful quite power to him that it mind blowing. Get down off your rocks Doms...years don't equal knowledge nor experience.

Slowly but surely I am leaving Collarme. It was a website that opened up my eyes when I was rather young to the scene. It allowed me to explore, play and actually discover what I really desire. Now that I am slightly more mature I realize that this place really holds no interest in me any longer.

I am proudly a broad now. It appeases my intellectual side instead of my playful side. I am now seeking knowledge more than anything. Fellow input from other slaves, why people like the kinks they do, the inner workings of the M/s dynamic. It is all there and that is what currently holds my interst.

True, I would like to eventually serve but right now things are....complicated and I am fine with that. I have lived with this ache, this desire to serve for years now, a couple more will not harm me any.

                What I want, I always get. It may not be now and it may not be tomorrow but it will be eventually.  Yes, I am a slave and yes I realize that my previous sentence makes me sound like a spoiled brat. I am not spoiled in any means. What I want is things I know I deserve and the things I deserve well, they don’t come along too often.

I wanted a collar, so I went out and bought myself one. Now, well the lock sort of tarnished so I had to retire it, but I took it as a sign. I wanted slave bells (I really do love the sound of bells) so I made myself a set (although I do need to rework them. I think I will do that here soon). I want a Master so by damn I am going to get myself a Master.

Now I am not some foolish little child so most of you can get down off of your soap boxes. I swear to the gods I am not going to go out and do something rash and unsafe. I may be impulsive but I am not that impulsive. I am particular and I am choosy which is why I date less, screw even lesser and served even less Masters.

I know what I want out of a Master and I refuse to settle. I must say I have communicated and spoken to a lot of Masters (some really hot young ones) but for some reason me serving a man younger than me, well I can’t wrap my mind around it. I seek a Master that is older than I am, intelligent, firm and is everything I ever hoped to serve.

Now I am not regretting those I have spoken to. I see them as opportunities to learn and have as a friend but I am getting frustrated. I keep seeking and I can’t find what I want. I am becoming frustrated with it. So I have come up with a new plan. I am going to still seek on my beloved kinky sites but I am going to broaden my search to the vanilla sites and if I can corrupt something well high five to me (which is likely as I have been known to corrupt people. It’s a charming skill of mine).

I don’t hide my kinkiness. It’s something I am proud of like my religion. Hiding a part (a very important part) of who I am is like going out on a date and yelling “Surprise, I really am a man.” It just doesn’t seem fair to me. Besides, honesty is the best policy even if it makes you squirm slightly.

It is time to update my lovely journal. I will admit that I have ignored Collarme for a while for use o. There seems to be less trolls there. So I will update the world. I have recently finally found my niche in the world. I am not a sub but instead I am a slave. But I want to clear things up. Just because I a slave doesn't mean I am a bloody door mat.

I will NOT call every Tom, Jane and Dick by a proper title because they call themself a Master or a Mistress. You are not MY Master or Mistress. I do not serve you and there for I am not calling you anything unless you have earned my respect.

You will treat me as if I was a sword weilded by a warrior. I serve my Master and I serve him well. As long as he polishes and keeps me sharp. You missuse me and leave me lie than I will rust and shatter.

I have changed so much since I first became interested in the lifestyle. At first the mere thought of serving any one made my lip curl and me snarl in disgust. I would have never thought of submitting to anyone, in fact when I first started to read up on the lifestyle it was from the alpha side of things. I refused to even touch the submissive side of any of the information I was given.

Now I understand the importance of submitting and now it is something I wish to do, it is something I need to do. It is part of my personality and I accept it now. I see myself evolving constantly and understanding things differently than from the beginning. At first the thought of spanking/paddling/and all that other stuff seemed like a given. Now I see that I personally may not be able to have that part of my life. I am still not too sure how I will react to that.

But I am now willing to open up and have asked a couple I trust to help me explore that part. Now I just really wish I would find a Master.

Last night I got into a fight with a man I care for deeply. I finally had to admit to him vocally my feelings for him. It wasn't even in a nice manner because at that point of time I was on holding onto nto my temper by a very thin thread. I suppose at this point of time you deserve some back story.

I shall call this man J. Seven months ago I started to work for J. I first walked into the office and thought he was attractive. I am not foolish though and I know that not all attractive men have a good personality. However, the more I talked with J, the more I realized he also had a very attractive personality. I kept a tight reign on everthing though because he was my boss and that is considered a big no no.

I eventually got laid off from that job and still continued to have communication with J. But I kept telling myself I would keep things on a friendship level and not ask for more. The man though changed the dynamics of our relationship but to my shock and slight horror. I did not know how to handle him.

To make a long story short, I ended up falling in love with J. What has made the situation worse, is that J is now my immediate supervisor. Last night I thought I was doing the roper thing by asking for a different supervisor. It did not go over well. Him and I were shouting at one another. I finally told him that the reason I could not work under him was because of my feelings for him.

I could not seperate my feelings from work and I do not believe I will ever be able to do such a thing. I am an emotional being. I think with my head but not as often as I think with my heart. Its who I am.

                We try so often to get others to see our points of view and sometimes we do not succeed at it. Words fail us and we can no longer get our point across. Why do we fluster and why do we hedge? Is it because we feel as if we have lost our footing? It is not often that I lose my footing and when I do I am left fumbling. I feel that now and I do not enjoy it.

After some interaction with a man I am left wondering about myself. I feel like a child when I deal with him, as if I can do nothing right. It is frustrating. I don’t know how to handle him nor do I know what to do. It’s difficult to describe but I will give it a good try.

Before him I thought I was mature and experienced. Since him I do not feel that way. I do not feel worthy. It’s nothing he is doing on purpose. I wonder why he is talking to me because I feel as if I am constantly failing. I want to be the best. I want to be someone mature and someone that others respect. I am no longer feeling that. I feel as if I have been stripped down to infancy and I have to relearn everything.

I try to explain my point to him and often I feel as if I am just not doing well. Perhaps it is because I am doing it vocally when I excel at the written word. I was told today by someone that perhaps I should keep my writings private but I can’t do it. I don’t post writings and emotions for attention, I post the things I do for other reasons. One, I sometimes want the opinions of others. Two, sometimes I use my writings to tell people off. Three, I want people to feel as if they are not alone out there.

Have you ever had a real shitty day, felt as if that the entire world is out to get you and then you have read something and thought “That person understands me? I know how they feel.” Or even “Wow that really lightened up my spirit.”  Writing to me has always been my everything and will always be my everything. I know some may not understand it nor ever will but that is okay with me.

Writing helped me when I was a small child. I could create a story and escape. As I grew older I learned to pour my pain and sorrow in it. Now as I someone older I enjoy weaving a story to pull someone else in. I love to be complimented on my writing but I love being critiqued on it more. As I have said several times, I am a perfectionist and I love everything to be perfect. In high school I could have cheerfully strangled my editor, now I want to hug him because he made my writing so much better.

Perhaps I should view him as the same way. Sometimes I just want to kick him because I feel as if I am doing nothing right but when I look back on this time in a month or two when he is no longer in my life (because I know he will leave) I will want to hug him for helping me grow.

Currently I feel the need to let the cage open for my lovely little aggressive side. I see everything mentally and right now I view my aggressive side as a wolf pacing back and forth along a cage. Open the door, stroke her fur and set her free. Yes that brings a smile to my face and releases much tension I have felt. I feel the need to go stalk someone (not literally) but someone as prey, although that would be cruel. They would be a mere plaything and that’s not fair to them so the claws with be sheathed.

What shows immaturity. Right now I want to take a hard look at it. I think it is time to admit some things. I run away. I run away a lot. It takes me a while to meet my fears head on. Mmmm I think I shall start doing that. But where shall I start. I need to stop procrastinating. I do believe I am going to make a lovely little list of things that I will accomplish tomorrow or there will be punishment in store. Yes, I like the sound of that. Its time I get structure back in my life.

Despite me not having my collar (yet and I will have it despite what anyone says). I believe I shall do some trial days to prove to myself that I deserve to collar myself. I have to giggle at that thought. When I tried to explain that to a couple of my dom and sub friends they really were not getting it. I need to get back in contract with some of my previous doms. I know one I will get a hold of. Gravity. I adore that man. I was so disappointed when things did not work out between him and I but he was so fun to talk with. I always enjoyed exchanging ideas with him.

I wish I could get a hold of the slave I know. She is smart and funny and I am good friends with her master as well. That’s it, I am putting a call out to all my BDSM friends. I want to sit down and exchange the entire self collaring thing with them. When I originally posted the idea on here I thought I would get more opinions than I did. Pity that I didn’t. I really do adore the exchanging of ideas and information. I am in the debating mood. I think I shall find someone I can debate with. Pity I can’t debate with one of my previous men. He no longer speaks with me. No real surprise there.

*Rolls eyes* What is here today is very normally not here tomorrow. Wonder how long it will take it to come crawling back to me thing time around. If that man thinks I am taking him back a third time he has another thing coming. He will get a swift kick in the ass first and the middle finger. Immature I know but really now I don’t care.

Lately my mind has been stuck on being collared. I have been browsing the many selections, trying to choose what would suit me. I have normally always worn a chocker. The weight around my neck has always been pleasure to me and when I don't wear one my neck feels naked. I know as a switch I should not be looking at collars unless I am seeking to collar someone, not to collar myself but I have never done things the "normal" way.

I have my reason for seeking to collar myself. I can be dominate and I can be submissive. It really depends on who I am around and how I feel that day. However, the collar would be a constant reminder that for now I am my own master. Hell I would even write up a contract for myself. I need that order even if I can not get it from someone else, I will get it from me. I am starting to get excited by the idea. I would be pushing myself, not someone else. I would be able to watch my growth and keep it journalized here every day.

I would take a hard look at my flaws and see how I can push at them and make them strengths. I want this to occur and I think I will make it occur. I know that I am going about things backwards but I am fine with that. The collar will come off when I find someone else that wishes to replace it with his own. I am unsure when that will occur but I have made up my mind.

It is time I stop waiting for someone to come in and help guide me. It is time I take the reigns. Well its off to shop for a collar and make my own contract. This is going to prove to be really interesting. If anyone has an opinion about this, I am willing to listen and discuss it.

I do so enjoy being right. It gives me a little thrill to know that my gut never lies to me. This is going to be fun and interesting. Play time for me, pain time for the other person.

So many thoughts are running through my head currently and I am unsure of where to even start. Should I start at the beginning and fill everything in from there or should I merely write the middle of the story and have it go on from there? Life is oddly filled with choice and each day we must make them and then live with the consquence.

Right now fear and uncertaintly fill me along with an odd feeling of peace. I suppose that is what comes when you find a dom. Where to begin when it comes to him? He knows me rather well. Even saying that makes things light. This man seems to know and understand the inner workings of my mind. How often have I dreamed and lusted after such a quality? Now that I have it, it frightens me slightly.

I know that you should learn from your past but you should never allow it to influence your present and your future. You should take the lessons from your past and then more forward. But this man knowing the inner workings of my mind frightens me. I am afraid that I will be taken advantage of, that I will be used and tossed away. I realize that this is a foolish fear and than I need to overcome it.

I am constantly telling people that they need to take a gamble and a chance but when it comes to me, I can never follow my own advice. I know that I should take this gamble and jump in without another thought and its looking more and more likely that I will. He pushes me in a rather delicious way that has not occurred before.

He is a different sort of man than you would expect, he is even more differnt than I would expect. We all hear of those doms that expect blind obedience. Those that have come before him can tell him that I have a difficult time doing that. Part of me will and probably always rebel. There will always be those couple secons and minutes of me thinking things through and weighting the pros and cons. It is merely something I do.

With him, he makes requests. He always leaves me an option and I love that so. I don't love it because I can choose not to listen to him but I love it because it gives me these of feeling I still have freedom. Do I do the tasks he lays out for me? Yes I do because I wish to please him. Hearing him tell me I am a good girl gives me a nice little thrill.

He told me the other day that I need to just take the rollar coaster ride and look back on the fond memories. I understand this mentality, at leas the logical part of me does. However, the emotional part of me is tired of looking fondly on the memories. I want something more but I will never ask for it. I perfer having what I do now for as long as I can have it.

I have a nice little gift right now and I am slightly fighting against it. I realize what I have right now is a gift. It is everything I have ever wanted. But a part of me wants to push it away because I do not believe that I deserve it. If he was around me right now or was hearing these thoughts I would be getting a lecture. And I will be the first to admit that I deserve it.

Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real and yet so often we allow it to control our life. We are only born with two fears and yet by the time we die we have so many more. I want to refuse to allow this fear to control my life and normally I allow no fear to control me. I normally run screaming into it and tell it to bugger at. But this time I am cautious. I want to leap in and I am about to.

I have a short time with him. I want to take advantage of the time I have with him. This is a chance to have something that I have not had ever before. I just need to not allow certain mentalities to control me.

In high school my sex-education teacher did an exercise that confused many. At the beginning of our class she handed all of us a Hershey Kiss and told us we were not allowed to eat it without her permission. Ten minutes later she told us that she may unwrap the Kiss but that was all we were allowed to do. Ten minutes later she told us that we were allowed to lick our Kiss but we were still not allowed to eat it. Least to say some of the kids could not excel at this and ate their kiss right then and there. Ten minutes later she told us that had Kisses remaining we allowed to take a small nibble off of the Kiss but still not allowed to eat it. More students failed at it. Towards the end of the class she told us remaining student we were allowed to eat our Kiss and asked what was the point of the exercise. It was a show of instant gratification.

Our society is one of instant gratification and a sexual one as well. Combine those two and we have moral issues, health issues and emotional issues. We all want what we want and we want that thing even more when it is placed right in front of our eyes. The mere idea that we can't have what we want is mind boggling. If foreplay starts many people automatically want sex. They can't understand that even within foreplay there is a certain release and I am not just talking about the orgasm and rush of endorphins.

Sex/foreplay have many important sides to it that we seem to forget about. Without trust there is no point in having sex with someone, although I hear it occurs often. But let's think about it. Sex is something where we are most vulnerable. One, we are naked as a jay bird. Who isn't vulnerable when they are naked? Two, we have our guards down during sex. How many of you are thinking about what you need to do the following day? Okay those that raised your hand...you are not having the right kind of sex.

Power also comes to play, although a couple of you may disagree with me, that's okay, I am disagreeing with you. Sex is very much about power. Think about that little glint your lover gets in his/her eyes when you dress to impress. Think about that little thrill you get knowing that your lover rather strip you naked and have their way with you on the floor then go out and see the newest movie. Doesn't that give you a little thrill of power? I know it gives me a little thrill. The idea that I have a man that wrapped around my finger, that I have him that enthralled is...well....it appeals to me in more ways then one.

Emotions are important as well but are often forgotten about. The one night stands, the so called need to have some sort of sexual release because you have apparently gone three months, two weeks, sixteen days, five hours, thirty-six minutes and ten seconds without sex and that is such a LONG time. So occasionally we go out to some bar, get wildly drunk and find our release in an "attractive" person. But we need emotions, we need to know we are worth something other that as an outlet, and I am looking at this from a relationship perspective. If we think that we are merely a sexual outlet we wither and no longer want to be in a relationship. If we believe we are merely an outlet then we begin to wonder if we deny them that out let than who else are they going to seek to be there outlet. There is always Rosy palm and her five friends, the $100 whore down the road, Tina the blow up doll and Karen I'll-screw-anything-with-a-penis the local town tramp that hangs out in the bar. Sorry to say if my man every cheats on me, he better say goodbye because I am all about revenge when my pride gets pricked.

Relationships are all about balance. You can not have just a sexual relationship and you can not just have an emotional relationship. If you have just an emotional relationship you wonder if you are lacking sexually, then you are almost positive that your significant other is seeking sex from others. If a relationship is just about sex then you wonder if your relationship has any future after you have done every position in the Kama Sutra and the 365 Position book. We also forget that sex is about truth, or at least in my opinion.

You have to be honest about what you like, how you like it and how often you want it. I think that is why I like those that are part of the BDSM lifestyle (although there is more reasons why I like the lifestyle). They are honest about what they life and they have no shame in it. Our society fears what it does not understand but lets take a real quick dive into the lifestyle of BDSM now that I have mentioned it.BDSM is a lifestyle that is not just about sex (although our society believe it is and the occasional fool that enters the lifestyle). BDSM is a unique look at the combination of sex and relationships. Within BDSM there is trust, communication, honesty, and emotions. There is not a relationship without it. The Master/Mistress and slave will not accept going into the relationship without it. Of course there is the occasional mistake but this will occur. Each partner knows and realizes that without honesty they will not get what they want out of the relationship and since sex is a focus, no one wants bad sex.

Bad sex is one of those things that causes you to start planning what you are going to be doing the next day. I think one of the problems is the need for instant gratification. Everyone wants to reach the big O, and they don't care if their partner reaches their peak. Sensuality and foreplay are often forgotten about. Which makes me extremely upset.Screw the sex, push that to the side. Ignore that part A gets inserted into part B and sometimes C is achieved.

We are going to focus on foreplay. If foreplay is done correctly then you really don't need to insert part A into part B. I don't know how many of you realize this but you can have an orgasm during foreplay. Our bodies are made for foreplay and I am sorry foreplay doesn't count as foreplay if it lasts for about ten minutes. Foreplay is an art and I am sorry I believe that it should be focused on more than the insertion of A into B. With foreplay you can learn so much about your lover. You learn what makes them sigh, arch their back, beg you to stop, beg you to not stop, and what drives them crazy. That way (smirks) you can "accidentally" brush your fingers against the spot while watching a movie or eating dinner (like I said sex is about power and so is foreplay).

Remember ladies and gentleman. Forget about the instant gratification. Slow things down. Explore your lover. Learn something new. Relish in it, the power, the vulnerability, the trust, the emotion, and the communication.  Don't rush...enjoy

=)) Anyone else notice when reading over the journals of others the general disgust of fake people. I am over here laughing my ass off. I blame it on me sobering up after drinking. I think those that are tired of all the "fakes" should start a club. Lets be honest with one another people. So realize the game they play and others don't. Some play to hurt and others become frightened of what is offered. As all of us are grown adults...some of us mature while others seem to be lacking....we should be able to weed through the children playing the adults. True it gets annoying kicking the children constantly to the curb but still....there are fake people on here, there are idiots on here and there are those that probably should be pushed into a black hole. Remember ladies and gents...you sometimes have to dig/weed through all the bullshit to get the true golden gem. ;)

Every now and then I have a nice little agressive side that comes out to play and I can't put her away. Right now I just feel like rolling my eyes, cornering most of these men on this site and say "Prove your dominance, let me see it." Okay I know that not every Master can dominate every slave out there but come on men.

I guess I am just getting disgusted. I am surfering through this website as I do every now and then and I am going through my normal, "No, too old; no, not intelligent enough; no, not attracted to; no, into things I am not; no, not dominate enough(and yes I can tell through a profile); no, too young." And some days I feel like beating my head off the walls.

Where the bloody hell is the Master I am seeking? And does no one read profiles any more? I swear I constantly get the "What are you into?" emails. Which of course have me replying "Read my profile its all there." I mean if someone catches your eye, please spend at least five minutes of your "precious" time and read their profile. I swear to the gods it will not kill you nor make you stupid.

My profile says it all. It is a piece of who I am, so if you think my picture is cute, READ THE BLOODY PROFILE! *Rolls eyes once more*

And why is it so hard to find a cultured man in PA? Don't get me wrong, I don't mind the rednecks (I grew up in redneck territory and am one slightly) but I am also cultured. Well okay so I am sort of young and have not experienced everything I wish to but still. Come on men a little culture will not harm you in the tinest bit.

Every slave, sub, Master and Mistress is unique in their own way. Each person has their own little thing that makes them different than the person before them. But perhaps some of us have more quirks than others, perhaps some of us need to be treated like the true jewel we are.

Anything worth treasuring needs to be handled with care. Under neglect a gift will wilt and fade before your eyes. Perhaps some do not realize this. When a slave submits to his or her Master they are giving a gift. Its a gift that can not be found any where else but within this lifestyle because the world around us refuses to acknowledge it.

When things do not fit within the normal confines of our society the world tends to hide their head or declare it unfit or odd. Where else but in this lifestyle can you find something as beautiful as submission? It is not mere submission but something so much more. The sign of ultimate trust and adoration.

Unfortunately you can not get some people to understand it. For some reason perhaps they can not wrap their mind around something such as this. And unfortunately when you try to describe it your words fall short. Not by your own fault but perhaps by the lacking of the English language itself.

Some view submission as a dirty word, something done by those that are some how lesser. A slave or a submissive person is not weaker but in fact have their own sort of different strength. They have the strength to meet their Masters need. Again I am finding the English language lacking in what I am trying to describe.

Sometimes we just need to feel. We constantly want to ask the question why? Why are you doing this? Perhaps so we may be reassured that it is occurring for a good reason. And yet I think that sometimes we have to show trust in our partner.
I for one do not enter a relationship lightly. There is always a reason, always a purpose even if I do not see it at the time. And yes despite what the outside world likes to think the slave and Master dynamic is very much a relationship. True a unique one but a relationship all the same.

And I think that sometimes perhaps some forget that. Within every relationship work must be involved. How can a Master properly please his slave without first knowing what his slave needs? Communication is so important or the relationship fails so early in the beginning. And sometimes out of fear we keep our mouths shut and our tongue firmly behind our lips.

And yet I think a slave should even have their right to tell their Master when they are upset. Why should a slave pussy foot around an issue. These are one of the times I think a slave should be vocal despite perhaps displeasing ones Master. If the slave is upset how can a slave care for his or her Master properly. They end up feeling neglected and eventually fade before the eyes.

Within the relationship both parties, slave and Master, are extremely important. One can not exist without the other. A slave reflects on what kind of Master they have and a Master nurtures their slave and allows them to grow. Its very much like a green house. The Master the green house and the slave a rose. At least I like to think of myself as a rose, something delicate, strong and will prick if not handled right.