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Hey, I'm jay, as you can see. I've recently been released, and am still hurting, so please don't message me with the hopes that you'll be the "magical one", that'll change my mind. I can assure you, you won't. I won't be ready for that anytime soon. However, if you're looking for friendly conversation, or want to genuinely just talk, then please message me. I'm a friendly person, and I love meeting new people. However, if you're looking for your next piece of ass, or just someone to pass the time with, again, I invite you pass my profile up. I'm not currently looking for anyone; I've been through enough bullshit to last me for a very long time, and I'm done dealing with it. I'm sorry if this sounds rude, or just plain old mean; that's not my intention. But at least I'm letting you know.
WARNING Any institutions or individuals using this site or any of its associated sites for any reason other then personal social networking within the BDSM community including but not limited to studies or projects - You DO NOT have permission to use any of my profile, pictures, or other material posted on this site (including but not limited to discussion thread posts and blogs) in any form or forum, past, current and future. If you have or do, it will be considered a violation of my privacy and will be subject to legal ramifications
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I don't understand why it's not ok for you to love me.
I don't understand why things went the way they did.
I don't understand why you threw away everything I handed to you on a silver platter.
I don't understand why I can't stop loving you, even though you've shown me time, and time, and time again that you don't feel the same way.
I don't understand how my heart can bleed so many times, from the same wound inflicted months ago.
I don't understand why I wasn't good enough.
I don't understand how I still want to beg you to come back to me; to come share the abundant love that I had... Just in case you didn't have enough to share between us.
I don't understand why you had to find someone else... even after I gave you all I had.
I don't understand why you couldn't love me the way you loved her.
Would you like to know what I do understand?
I understand I'll probably never see you again.
I understand you're probably happy about that fact.
I understand that the heavy wall I built to disguise the hurt, the anger, and the sheer pain comes crumbling down every night I lie alone in the same bed that we shared....
I understand I'll have to rebuild that wall regularly.
I understand there will always be hurt in my eyes, and my heart whenever I think of you.
I understand you don't give a fuck about my hurt.
I understand that I'll live with this pain for a while.
I understand I'll always cry for "our" future only I thought of.
I understand I need to move on.
I understand that I'll always love you, no matter what it costs me. |
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I wait. I wonder what's wrong. I wait some more, but you never let me in. You demanded my submission, my love, my everything, and I gave it all willingly. But now, as I look back, did you do the same? Were the whispered "I love yous'" all lies? Were you holding pieces of yourself to give to the others? Then you released me. I never want to experience that pain again. You hurt me in ways I never imagined possible, and you still won't tell me the full truth. I know there were others;one admitted it to me. So why lie? If I meant anything to you, tell me the truth. But, I guess I didn't mean anything to you. Anything at all |
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