The days all seem to pass by in a shadow of confusion. One day slipping into the next like that moment before you open your eyes after a tiring sleep. Sounds and sights and smells all bring back some glimpse of a moment long past. Walking alone in the crowd feeling them brush by but never connecting. I find myself often longing for those moments when your smiling with friends and someone says wouldn't it be great if these moments could last forever.
Some would see it as sad knowing so many of these moments I spend alone even with friends. Maybe it is, but the truth is somewhere back there in some moment past something inside of me found everything was pale and hollow like a shadow. But there is always that one thing, that charge of seeing someone that you just want to touch, to please, to excite, to amaze, to own, to become so vulnerable to while being so strong that she desires to have you, and to give herself to you so deeply that like two falcons caught in an aerial tumble that either ends on a connection beyond life or falling shattered upon the earth. Could I even handle a love so strong that it heals and burns all at the same time. It's not a fantasy wrapped in purity or pretenses of perfection. It is a fantasy that there is one person out there in the wild crazy forest of sharp objects that if I never could do one more thing I would wish to spend that last moment being in her life and she being in mine.
How can I find the right place to put that though when I have such strange desires in the middle of all of that. I think about making her wear a g string and how sexy it is thinking of she can feel it there and she loves wearing it because she knows it turns me on. I know some of the things I would do to her would hurt and I would be filled with guilt but at the same time if she needed and wanted me to do this to her because it hurt and it healed the part of her that needed me to do these things to her that she could trust me with her deepest secrets and desires because she had mine. The sweet tantalizing dream of not actual perfection of but personal perfection in the connection you have created with someone so right for you that its intoxicating and even threatens to drown but like a ray of light comes down and holds you both up on the knowing your sharing a moment with someone who truly belongs in your life. Would she let me own her knowing that it makes me feel more secure knowing what owning her does for me. Would she know that I know sometimes I must give her pain because it is what she desires and finding sexual consumption between us by doing these things is what I desire.
It's so distancing and difficult to have this desire though because, while I welcome the warm reaching out of a woman interested in me and willing to look past the iron hardened outer wall that is me, there always hides a point when I realize while I may be sexually aroused by her if she doesn't belong in that quiet confused sad smiling place deep inside my mind the will to make it more is gone. So I seem to play this game where I want what I cant have and not really interested in what I can have. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I am not a sadist to myself. Not really masochist because I am not really trying to hurt myself but more some part of me seems to enjoy torturing the other part of me. Until the moment of my last breath I will never stop moving forward even if in just my mind but looking back across the years it has been such a long road to have walked with others but always in a sense alone. Never partaking but for a brief glimpse of that moment two people share when they have truly surrendered to each other all secrets. I cannot say love for what would a fool such as I know of such a splendored thing. I am a novice at carnal passion at best so I can only sit and dream.
Dream of her standing before me, long black hair I think, maybe other as dreams are hard to know for a sure thing. Its her slim delicate figure and her eyes that seem to make breathing tough and exhilarating. I see she has put on the white thigh highs with the lace band on and very small white silk thong. She knows it satisfy my desire to have dressed this way and as I reach my hand to her shoulder I feel the edge of a silver collar with a jewel in front that between us means so many things on so many levels. I love her eyes, the look at me as to ask me to please hold her and take and protect her and love her and help her be the sexual creature she has so longed to become for just the right one. I put my hand on her waist and pull her close and smell her and feel her next to me and how delicate she feels and how her hands hold on so tight as if to pass through all of her hopes and desires into me. I know I am dreaming but I never want to wake.
I often think maybe I really am crazy and everybody just forgot to let me know. |