"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service to others"

~Mohotma Ghandi

my favorite foot fetish fantasy!!!

After a night of serving Ma'am at one of the local Detroit area fetish shows (And Ma'am is wearing nylons underneath some black leather high-heel boots) Ma'am orders me to undress and and sit at Her feet then pull the boots off Her slightly sweaty and tired feet.

She then makes me lay down while She rubs Her nylon clad toes over my nipples and up across my face while ordering me to inhale the sweet scent of Her Beautiful and luscious feet. She orders me to remain still as She continues to flex Her toes and rub Her feet on my body.

As my excitement builds to a crescendo, i begin to beg my Goddess for the honor of kissing Her toes. She orders me to gently kiss them, then to remove Her slightly sweaty nylons. She has me retrieve some edible foot lotion and has me massage them for the longest time while She relaxes and unwinds, smiling Her sweet and sinful smile at me all the while :).

After She is relaxed and Her feet are feeling better, She orders me to rub on some additional lotion, but instead of rubbing it in as before, i am now ordered to slowly lick it off...

She guides my tongue artistically over Her Sensual Soles and under and in between Her lovely Toes!!! After licking all over Ma'ams feet and getting all the lotion off of them...i move to retrieve some socks for Ma'am's feet to keep them warm, but Ma'am sternly says "you are not done...there is much more lotion in that tube, slave!!!" well....Y/you can fill in the rest....hehe :)

A great weekend to everyone!!!

~bill

T'was the Night of Wicked

Twas the night of Wicked, and all through the Hall,

The slaves did scream..as their Doms had a ball

The Weights were clamped, to my nipples with care,

In hopes that my Goddess, soon would be there.

Submissives and Slaves, were chained to their Cross

Anticipating Pain, applied by their Boss.

Dressed all in black, with body hair snipped,

i awaited my Goddess, prepared to be whipped.

From over by the entry, there arose such a clatter,

i sprang from my knees, to see what was the matter.

And there in the doorway, confident and bold,

Stood my Sexy Goddess, a sight to behold.

With boots of black leather, and brandishing a whip,

She pointed at me, then at the Lash on Her hip.

i pulled off Her boots, then stripped off my clothes,

Then kneeled before Her, and kissed all Her toes.

She led me by my Collar, to a cross by the wall,

As i carried her toybag, She’d soon use them all.

She shackled my wrists, and my ankles real tight,

With a gleam in Her eye, my heart filled with fright.

She beat me with floggers, with canes and a staff,

i begged her for mercy, but She’d only laugh.

Then into my mouth, She placed a ball-gag,

And a mean looking paddle, was pulled from Her bag.

She then spanked me hard, and did it with glee,

The pain grew intense, and over-whelmed me.

i uttered a word, then She spoke to me too…

“motherfucker’s” not a safeword, No mercy for you.

She beat me for hours, drew knives across my skin,

i started to realize, the trouble i was in.

She pulled out some rope, and tied up my cock.

Then around my scrotum, weighted down with a rock.

The Agony increased, as She squeezed on my Balls,

my screams did echo, off the floor and the walls.

At a quarter to One, did the pain finally stop,

Off came the shackles, to the floor i did drop.

i crawled to my Goddess, my body bruised and stung,

i then cleaned her boots, using only my tongue.

Then back on my knees, i cleaned all Her toys,

How lucky i was, to be one of Her boys!

Her toybag then packed, all neat as can be,

She then stroked my hair, and smiled down at me.

Humbly i begged, to serve Her again.

i swore my devotion, and love without end

my heart now belonged, to my Goddess alone,

So She said this to me, in her Dominant tone

“Fear not, little slave…you’ll soon get your wishes,”

“for My house needs cleaning, and so do My dishes”

“you will rub on My back, and on My feet as well,”

“if you don’t do it right, I will make your life hell.”

“you’ll serve only Me, and give Me your trust”

“if you wish to wear My Collar, then do it, you must!!!”

“to become My slave, if you pass all My tests,”

“you’ll never regret it, for I am The Best!!!”

Then i heard Her exclaim as She moved out of sight,

“Seasons beatings to all, and to all a Wicked night”

Merry Christmas to All!!!

bill   aka  driven2serve 

That Christmas Spirit...

Went to visit a lady friend today..Vanilla She is, but She is interested in dating me according to Her daughter (lil miss cupid..lol). 

i picked up my Lady friend from the hospital and returned Her home, then took Her 18-year old Daughter grocery shopping...hmmm, Grocery shopping with an 18 year old....She took like 2 hours..lol  

But while i was going through the store, i was reflecting on how nice it is looking forward to a sober Winter and XMAS season.  i will have plenty of cash this time around due to my new job. 

i realized that i enjoy grocery shopping and shopping in general.  it can be so wonderful to be able to truly appreciate the little things in life that some folks think of as being a "drag" or a "pain in the ass". 
i look sooo forward to the day when i find that special Goddess or Mistress to serve so i can accompany Her on: shopping trips during the Christmas season...going to  a mall thats all decorated... and driving through some of the nicer neighborhoods that go all-out decorating for Christmas. 

The idea that my Goddess and i are in a Vanilla crowd and that i must be stealthful in the fact that i am a slave to my Goddess at ALL times, BUT, still serve my Goddess properly will be a challenge. Still though, it is one that i have been dreaming of for a long time!!!

my new job will be helping the truly Homeless, as well as people who are "immanently" homeless, find supports, shelter, temporary and long term supported housing options and to get them benefits and maybe some medical insurace as well. 

Roughly 50% of the Homeless have alcohol or substance abuse issues as well that have either causes their situation, or are a direct result of their unfortunate situation (a way to self medicate or even tolerate their own existence)

So here i sit on a Saturday night, broke and alone, but content in the knowledge that i am never truly alone when i have a plethora of good and caring friends and some possible romantic interests as well.  This Christmas, will be one where i am finally able to buy the ones i love some nice gifts, as well as, get paid for something i enjoy and am proud to do:  helping other people to move towards recovery from homelessness, depression, addiction and joblessness.


Wishing You all a wonderful Weekend!!!

Status update:  Not looking at this time for anything other than friends.

bill aka  driven2serve

i wish to humbly thank all those Who have responded and commented so kindly on my Journals here @ CM.  

i remain... driven2serve

~bill

Some inspirational thoughts...

Dedicated to: SweetGoddessMI

"To be Yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make You something else is the greatest accomplishment." 

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

My personal favorite:

"OBSESSESED is just a word the lazy use to describe DEDICATED"  ~Unknown Author

"No one can make You feel inferior without Your consent."  ~Eleanor Roosevelt

and another of my favorites...

"Many people will walk in and out of Your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in Your heart."   ~Anonymous

"Everyone hears what You say.  Friends listen to what You say.  Best Friends listen to what You dont' say."   ~Anonymous

"The question is not who is going to let me:  it's who is going to stop me?"  ~Ayn Rand

"Always be a first-rate version of Yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else" ~ Judy Garland

"If God had wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise."  ~Johann Van Goethe.

"He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away."  ~Raymond Hull

"Be who You are and say what You feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."  ~Dr. Seuss

"You miss 100% of the shots you Don't take."  ~Wayne Gretzky

"You cannot think Your way into a better way of living, You have to live Your way into a better way of thinking"  ~my Sponsor

Been very Sick   
To those that i chat with on Yahoo Messenger...be advised that i was very sick and in bed all day yesterday and that i usually leave my computer on and myself signed into Yahoo so if You don't get a response, its because i am not at my computer. Thank You!!!

So, how's that workin for Ya?

i was talking to a friend on that other site about how there is oftentimes too much drama in the lifestyle and at fetishevents.  This group doesnt like that group, this person slams that person.  Sometimes i think some folks just get jealous when others get attention(hell, ive been guilty of that myself..lol). 

What it really boils down to is selfishness and self-centeredness.  When things do not go the way our illustrious minds think they should, then we throw a shit-fit and see how many others we can blame for making a victim out of us.  Too rarely, we look at the part we play in that which makes us unhappy.  If we did... we'd find we are usually alot more to blame than we first thought, if we even thought we were at all to blame to begin with....

Here is something that really stikes home and has been instrumental in my recovery for realizing my part and my own selfishness...

Can You see Y/yourself in it?  Where do Y/you fit in?  How can Y/you improve Yourself and how do Y/you think others see Y/you???

 

A little more to think about... 

Self-centeredness

"Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits.
      What usually happens? The show doesn’t come off very well. He begins to think life doesn't treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?
      Our actor is self-centered--ego-centric, as people like to call it nowadays. He is like the retired business man who lolls in the Florida sunshine in the winter complaining of the sad state of the nation; the minister who sighs over the sins of the twentieth century; politicians and reformers who are sure all would be Utopia if the rest of the world would only behave; the outlaw safe cracker who thinks society has wronged him; and the alcoholic who has lost all and is locked up. Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?
      Selfishness--self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.
      So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the self-centered person is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn’t think so. "

This is actually from the Alcoholics Anonymous "BigBook"...the AA bible as it were...but when i read and re-read this..i realized this fits many people whom do not have addiction problems.  Sometimes i feel fortunate to be a recovering alcoholic/addict as i have the opportunity to rid my self of such selfishness..or to at least improve on it.
 
To those that fit this description and are too stubborn to change their ways and try and be more accepting of people and less focused on themselves, i have to wonder if this is truly making You happy?...

So?..Hows that working for ya?

Happy Halloween,

bill

A repost of an earlier journal entry....this one  i am finding particularly useful as of late!!!

Acceptance

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.

Thanks to some new friends for complimenting me on my profile and journal entries, as well as, the Birthday wishes!!!

bill aka driven2serve

Went to Murray's Auto supply store today after getting car insured and plated. 
My purchase receipt was for $6.66    hehe (nervous laughter)

Love Halloween?...are Y/you sick? twisted? kinky? love weird shit?...well then,please my visit my very favorite Halloween website:  http://www.extremepumpkins.com/

 x 10.5   

errrmmm???...well thats how many i'll need on October 20th when i turn 42 (yikes  is that the Grim Reaper i see peeking @ me round the corner...

"Hey buddy?...Halloween is several weeks away yet!!!"  hmmm?  hehehe

Ohh yeah!!! almost forgot to mention....18months clean/sober on the 14th

Going car-shopping this Weekend!!!


Not "new" unfortunately, but "new for me"!!!

Anyone not too far from the Downriver area have or know someone with a clean and reliable used vehicle for sale, please let me know???

bill

"What's over there?"

Ever feel like Your standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming and no-one hears You? 

Actually, at Detroit Space or Wicked-detroit...that would be rather common..and even desired...but not in the vanilla world.

All work, school and no play, makes for a melancholy submissive/slave at best.

Ever notice how Women always complain about wanting guys who are caring, loyal and not self centered.  But they never seem to be interested in those that actually are!!! 

Sometimes I think that people simply want want they can't have and will never be happy with those who are within their grasp.

Happiness comes from within...to look for ones happiness in others will always lead to dissappointment. 

We must learn to be content with what we have or what is within our grasp, or we will never be happy... because no matter what or who we have, we will always be more interested in: "What's over there???"

New Status update

Although i am still "unowned", i am now currently in a "dating" status with Queen4u2adore and Her slave, msbarbarasgirl. W/we are taking things slowly in hopes of a much more serious relationship developing down the road a bit.  i am still free and available to play & scene as Ma'am wishes me to enjoy interacting with the community and to learn new activities and kinks and to explore my submissiveness. Only limits are intimacy/sex etc...

Whip me, i'm Irish!!!

So who here is Irish?...or has some Irish in them?  or would "like" some Irish in them???

LOL...Ok, kidding on that last one!!!

Happy St. Patricks day to all!!!

A Happy Birthday to MissBarbara's Girl and to OriginalStuff as well!!!   Thanks to MsB for a wonderful time last night @ Your girls playparty. 

Seems no matter what new "kink" i try...i seem to like or even fall in love with it.  Got my first taste of needleplay (outside of a hospital of course..lol) and was amazed at how easy it was to head off into space after even a few needles were inserted.

i am thrilled to be getting out into the community more and more, and look forward to being able to properly serve a Goddess or Mistress in the near future. 

In meantime, for Those that are in need of some stress-relief, i am always willing to recieve abuse and try new activities at community events if it pleases Anyone!!!   hehehe

Lets all say it 2gether now...  "Exhibitionism is GOOODDDDD!!!!"  LOL

humbly Yours,

bill  aka  driven2serve

Acceptance

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.

March Masochism

Hello folks, and thanks to those that helped make Februarys Wicked so awesome despite the weather.  i made alot of new aquaintenaces and smoothed over some previous ones to make some great new friends :)  March looks to be an even better month for me with with a new friendship that i hope may develop into much,much more as W/we get along excellently and O/our tastes in fetishes, activities and scenarios are so darn complementary.  There are also lots of events in March to go to, such as munches, and Wicked. 

i look forward to the singles meet and greet @ Wicked on the 21st ;)

bill

The Underlying Force..

To those who have difficulties believing in God or Religion, if might be helpful to think of God as the "Underlying force or direction" behind the universe as we know it. 

The Closing of a Door...

i have recently been in the process of Closing a major door in my life...of the rapid deterioraton of a relationship with someone that i am in love with.  We are no longer friends at this time as we apparently cannot treat each other with the common respect most friends feel for each other.  W/we are both stubborn and seem to want to shift blame on the other and not "own" our part in it and work to rectify the situation.  We have "tolerated" each other but never really worked to save the relationship...never having had such difficulties with others...W/we feel it is not worth our time to spend such effort to save a relationship with one person when there are so many others out there.  The easier, softer way?...perhaps!

A unselfish action?

Earlier this month, after the unlovely realization that the relationship was doomed, i wished to do something very nice for this person in an effort to show them, through my actions, that i still care and wish to be friends and to see them happy without expectation.  i searched my soul to determine if i might not have some selfish and sneaky alterior motive behind this action. 

And the answer is: Yes, i do/did....i hoped that it would ensure our continued friendship, despite our difficulties, and show that the relationship is worth the effort and pain.  And that maybe ...in the future one day...after "i" change and improve..that maybe there still exists the chance of a loving relationship beyond that of friendship.

That being said, i was still unsure as how to proceed....So i asked myself, "What would God want me to do in this situation?..what is the "right" thing to do?"   So i decided to go ahead and do what i felt was right and "mostly" unselfish in my heart.

The Accusation...

Well apparently, according to a friend of the one i refer to....said action was merely a disrespectful attempt at manipulation to achieve my end of making that person fall in love with me and forgive me my sins...LOL

Oh how i wish such miracles were true...LMAO  but i am afraid my faith is Not quite that strong.  i know in my heart of hearts that what i did was out of caring..and was the right thing to do....(pat, pat on back...yeah?..so what?  guess that make me such a bad person to want to be appreciated from time to time instead of having every action i do analyzed for selfish and manipulative behavior?)  Anyway, my main goal was achieved...the person had a greattime and felt cared about...and i felt good about myself for doing something for someone besides myself ( i guess that is selfish in and of itself ....but that is sooo much better than going off to get drunk..lol)

It seems that some people can never be convinced of one's personal change....that a person can change ones spots, but not what is inside.  Well i do not subscribe to this bullshit.  Others have noticed progress in me and offer encouragement most of the time.

The Opening of a Window...

Early in my recovery from alcoholism, i certainly rubbed some people the wrong way of which i am extremely regretful.  Fortunately..these days, i have made peace with many of these people and we have a new understanding of each other and a renewed friendship.  i seem to have gained some measure of acceptance in the community from my actions and increased respect for others and have made some awesome new friends with some possiblities for future relationships that will go well beyond friendship. 

The closing of a door can be painful and regretful, but i must look to the future and live in the solution, and i am both optimistic and excited at a world of limitless possiblities for real respect, intimacy and love. :)

The Future

In Recovery, we have a prayer that is helpful...the Serenity prayer...goes like this....

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change (other people)
The courage to change the things that i can (myself and only myself)
and the wisdom to know the difference( and i am getting wiser all the time )
Amen.


i look forward to new opportunities to learn from my past mistakes and to serve Someone(s) in the near future with loyalty, kindness, patience and tolerance...and most importantly..unconditional love.  :)

regards,

bill   aka  driven2serve

Wicked report 2-22-09

Mmmm... Wicked was tooo much fun last night..just wish it lasted longer. 

Smiles on beautiful Dominant faces celebrating Their birthdays...pulling boots off of hot, moist nylon-clad feet, experiencing florentine and singletail techniques after Wicked... hmmm...life is just getting gooder...

It is wonderful to have direction in my again these days after much pain and confusion. It is often said, when God closes a door, He always opens a window :)

It is also good to see those i still care about and love dearly,  to be happy again and being served by someone who is both innocent and humble and will treat them right. (still having problems occasionally with the humble part..lol ..can learn much from a person like that)

i believe i have finally and fully realized the joy of doing nice things for others and serving (even in friendship only, in a non-official capacity) not as a means to an end..but as the end, in and of itself.  Putting smiles on peoples faces and helping to make them feel special (as they truly are) without having expectations is a new "high" for me :)

Happy Birthday again to MsK, and please know i Love You Ma'am, and appreciate even all our hardtimes together as they have taught me many important lessons to take into the next phase of my BDSM lifestyle.

MsB?...  Thank You soo much for taking me with You last night and for the new experiences....my thoughts and dreams were Yours lastnight as i attempted to sleep, but found it difficult do with all the future possiblities running through my head. 

W/we may be friends Ma'am, but i am rapidly becoming addicted to You and cannot wait to see You and J again soon :)

Long live the Fabulous Michigan Clique!!!

Love, your submissive friend bill

   Happy Valentine's Day

to all the Goddess's and Mistress's here on CM

May Your day be Sweet... with slaves at Your feet   
(this means you julie dear..hehe)

Just got home from a very vanilla valentines day dance...i dont dance much but still had way better time than i thought i would. :)  When John Cougar Mellancamp's "Hurts so good" was played as a request....people seemed to be looking in my direction for some reason?...hmmmm????  hehe

Now would i do such a thing?

Please join me in the Smackmunches chatroom here on Collarme, evenings, during the week and weekends sometimes.

Day off work tommorow, Woohoooo :)

i am sooo sleeping in after the last few day.

Wicked Eve report Dec 08'

Well...i finally made it out to Wicked for the first time in a much-too-long hiatus.  i was honored to be allowed to accompany the Beautiful MissKelly and friends  and met a great many people i have previously only talked to here on CM, or had never even met before.

Thank You Ma'am for the honor of being able to massage Your Feet for You..(MissKelly has the sexiest Feet ive yet seen)


i had the distinct honor of enjoying my first experience with fireplay and the violet wand.
i have to say i absolutely loved both... and it seems i fall in love with every new lifestyle activity or experience so far...

Now, my curiousity for the tactile sensation of the single tail and some florentine flogging may just get me in trouble...Que Sera Sera!!!

Yours submissively,

bill  aka  driven2serve

T'was the Night of Wicked

Twas the night of Wicked, and all though the Hall,

The slaves did scream..as their Doms had a ball

The Weights were clamped, to my nipples with care,

In hopes that my Goddess, soon would be there.

Submissives and Slaves, were chained to their Cross

Anticipating Pain, applied by their Boss.

Dressed all in black, with body hair snipped,

i awaited my Goddess, prepared to be whipped.

From over by the entry, there arose such a clatter,

i sprang from my knees, to see what was the matter.

And there in the doorway, confident and bold,

Stood my Sexy Goddess, a sight to behold.

With boots of black leather, and brandishing a whip,

She pointed at me, then at the Lash on Her hip.

i pulled off Her boots, then stripped off my clothes,

Then kneeled before Her, and kissed all Her toes.

She led me by my Collar, to a cross by the wall,

As i carried her toybag, She’d soon use them all.

She shackled my wrists, and my ankles real tight,

With a gleam in Her eye, my heart filled with fright.

She beat me with floggers, with canes and a staff,

i begged her for mercy, but She’d only laugh.

Then into my mouth, She placed a ball-gag,

And a mean looking paddle, was pulled from Her bag.

She then spanked me hard, and did it with glee,

The pain grew intense, and over-whelmed me.

i uttered a word, then She spoke to me too…

“motherfucker’s” not a safeword, No mercy for you.

She beat me for hours, drew knives across my skin,

i started to realize, the trouble i was in.

She pulled out some rope, and tied up my cock.

Then around my scrotum, weighted down with a rock.

The Agony increased, as She squeezed on my Balls,

my screams did echo, off the floor and the walls.

At a quarter to One, did the pain finally stop,

Off came the shackles, to the floor i did drop.

i crawled to my Goddess, my body bruised and stung,

i then cleaned her boots, using only my tongue.

Then back on my knees, i cleaned all Her toys,

How lucky i was, to be one of Her boys!

Her toybag then packed, all neat as can be,

She then stroked my hair, and smiled down at me.

Humbly i begged, to serve Her again.

i swore my devotion, and love without end

my heart now belonged, to my Goddess alone,

So She said this to me, in her Dominant tone

“Fear not, little slave…you’ll soon get your wishes,”

“for My house needs cleaning, and so do My dishes”

“you will rub on My back, and on My feet as well,”

“if you don’t do it right, I will make your life hell.”

“you’ll serve only Me, and give Me your trust”

“if you wish to wear My Collar, then do it, you must!!!”

“to become My slave, if you past all My tests,”

“you’ll never regret it, for I am The Best!!!”

Then i heard Her exclaim as She moved out of sight,

“Seasons beatings to all, and to all a Wicked night”

Merry Christmas to All!!!

bill   aka  driven2serve 

Looking forward to meeting many of You for the first time @ Wicked on the 27th. 

Wicked is always a great time and with all the (vanilla) parties ive been to in the past..this is one of the first times i'll be at a party where i will be happy if someone wishes to beat my ass...lol

Humblest regards,

bill

See You all on the 27th   

(new journal entries and profile modifications)
Well...never realizing that Wicked is only about 5 miles/ 10 minutes from my house...i hope to see some of You there a little more often...LOL silly me! (hell, i was never the one driving...not to mention the blindfold..;) LOL )  Who is going on the 27th?

bill

To All the the Goddesses and Mistresses here on CollarMe:
Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders & says... 'Oh shit....she's awake!!'

Had food poisoning thurdsay night and friday...i will be grateful not to experience that again.  On a more positive "Note" (pun intended..lol), i got to play in front of a crowd on an electric guitar for the first time sober at an open jam night Saturday...(its been too long since an electric guitar had its way with this submissive..lol)  Was a nice treat and felt really good.  

Permission to do it again next month???

New photo added...

i created a composite photo in photoshop, but since it is considered to be an "object" i couldnt set it as my primarly profile photo. It is set as photo #8

~~~bill

A little more to think about... 

The thinking disease: Self-will run riot

Alcoholism/addiction is really just a mere symptom of a deeper problem...one of self-centeredness.  Our drive to satisfy our basic instincts gets out of whack and we overcompensate causing many problems and imbalances in our lives that Alcohlism, drug addiction, gambling, sex-addiction, overeating, shoplifting, dependency, or Aggression is but a symptom.

Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits.
      What usually happens? The show doesn’t come off very well. He begins to think life doesn't treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?
      Our actor is self-centered--ego-centric, as people like to call it nowadays. He is like the retired business man who lolls in the Florida sunshine in the winter complaining of the sad state of the nation; the minister who sighs over the sins of the twentieth century; politicians and reformers who are sure all would be Utopia if the rest of the world would only behave; the outlaw safe cracker who thinks society has wronged him; and the alcoholic who has lost all and is locked up. Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?
      Selfishness--self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.
      So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn’t think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness.

What awful weather today!!!

i wish i were sitting at a Goddesses feet, massaging them, while sitting on a bearskin rug in front of a crackling fireplace and sipping hot cappucino while listening to the rain beat against the windowpane.

Ah well...here is a thought for today...

Religion is for those who do not want to go to Hell.

Spirituality is for those who have already been there and want to come back!!!

Without Pain, there can be little spiritual growth...for tears are the Diamonds of the Soul.

-bill

Ok...snow on the ground this early?

Only in Michigan it seems..lol

Too cold to smoke outside anymore. i most certainly love being a submissive...but am tired of being a slave to tobacco.

i am starting to really get myself mentally prepared to quit these for good.

~~~()______________)_____)

i am tired of having to take "smoke breaks" all the time.  @ roughly 8 minutes to smoke one ciggy outside..thats an easy 2 or more hours wasted during the day, let alone the health hazard and the aggravation it can cause to those i love. 

Wishing all the Domme's and Goddesses a Sadistic Sunday!!!

Treat Your friends well....and Beat Your subs well, as well!!! LOL

Expectations and Dissappointments


i had a really good AA meeting tonight.  my Chiropractor is a recovering Alcoholic with over 30 years sober and had some inspirational words this evening. 

i led the meeting and discussed about how, despite learning to turn my will over to God, spirituality and doing the next, right "unselfish" thing, that i often try to take that "will back" and thats when problems arise. (particularly when it comes to relationships with family and romantic/personal relationships)


The Chiropractor talked of how when we approach these relationships with expectations, however upstanding they may be, we are almost always setting ourselved up for dissappointment.. and that we must bring our loved ones to us by letting go of our expectations of getting what "we want" and by only concerning ourselves with how we can reach out to them by helping or serving them and their wants and needs. 

hmmmm....sounds an awful lot like some of the CM Dominant's profile descriptions of of what service is really about, eh?

This is one of the many reasons i totally embrace AA and the recovery process.  Of the 12-steps in a 12-step program...only the first deals with the problem at hand, beit alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, shoplifting, overeating or even internet addiction. 
The other 11 steps deal with the spiritual aspect and how to change ones thinking... for all an addiction really is, is one symptom of a "thinking" disease where our basic instincts have gotten out of control.
In this "thinking disease", our basic desires for security, food, reproduction, social position have gone awry as we fear loss of these and end up way over-compensating by becoming an overeater, covering our feelings with intoxicants, becoming egotistical, try to control everyone and everything (or conversly, become overly dependant on others. 

We can also become overly concerned with money (fear of lack of security) to the point we become greedy.  Percieved lack of social position causes us to have low self esteem and then overcompensate by becoming overly egotistical even if we are really nice people at heart. 


Fear is the enemy

Everything really boils down to fear...and fear is the opposite of faith, whether that faith be in God, spirituality, ones friends and loved ones, and ones family.

If i can move forward into a relationship with perfect faith, than fear will lose all power over me and i will no longer have to have any preconcieved expectations in order to feel loved or to convince myself that the relationship is sincere.

Went and bought some dress shoes today....shoestore was hiring apparently.  i dont know if that would be a dreamjob for me?...or a reaallly bad idea...hehe

Maybe a job @ "Ladyfootlocker"???  hehe, i think i'd really have a hardtime keeping it professional....hell, i'd really have a "hard" time...period!!!! lol

Happy Humpday to ALL

Ok...must jump in shower..will be thinking of some of You Sexy Ones while i yank my..um, cap off of the shampoo !!!
Please have a great day, Ma'am and be safe while on the road.

A Twisted Tuesday to all You Beautiful Goddesses and Mistresses


I sawr on a sign at a church today: "Keeping your mouth Closed will keep a Foot out of it"

Well?...that explains why i talk too much at times...lol

i hope You are feeling ok these days, Ma'am?  despite what i said in a previous journal entry...i'd still love to rub Your back and/or feet to make You feel better when Your not feeling well....or even when You are feeling well :)

Here is a favorite thought from my Friend Rowan that deeply affects me...


One day you  asked me,
What is more important.. my life?.. or You?
I said "my life",
And You walked away,
and left,
Without realizing,
You are my life!!
And You always will be.

I was at the Gibralter trade center today and realized how nice it was to actually go shopping "Sober" and with Money in my pocket. 
Its nice to be able to appreciate the simple things in life like some non-recovering people take for granted. 
It did, however, make me feel somewhat melancholy that i am unable to enjoy such things with someone i love at this time, and realize how lonely life can be at times. 
Fortunately, this only "steels" my resolve to remain sober and work my Ass off to better myself and become the best submissive and person i can.

Some additional thoughts...

Forsight: is knowing when to close Your mouth before someone suggests it.

Famous last words: "No Woman is going to tell me what to do...!!!"

LOL...i love that last one
i pray i can become what You are looking for and can learn to "click" with You before You find someone else Ma'am.  i will worship from afar and put 110% of my time into recovery, work and learning to fulfill Your requirements for service, Ma'am.

Recovery and Submission

Had a nicetime tonight at a bonfire...it was interesting to me cause i find that being a Recovering Alcoholic and being a submissive has certain parallels and learning to be good at one seems to be helpful to becoming good at the other. 

While playing some guitar at this party i was feeling a bit cold with the wind blowing on me...others were as well.  The Guy who threw the bonfire had some characteristics of a good submissive...he kept the fire tended constantly, kept everyones drinks and coffee filled, and still managed to be social and participate in the conversation. 
Best of all, he would knock the burning embers from the firepan and spread them on the ground around the fire in the direction of whomever was cold in an effort to help warm them.  A little thing really, but the consideration and attention to detail really brought home just how helpful recovery has been and Will be to learning how to serve more properly and to learn to become more attentive to others people needs and wants instead of getting lost in my own. 
i often make a great effort in being helpful and kind, but can take my self-will back a little too often and start focusing on my wants and needs. Learning to stay focused on others and not myself is a gradual process, and i am still too impatient for progress in this regard...but i Am learning to be more and more patient :)

Spiritual progress, Not spiritual perfection

Well, being one of the Managers 4 a Recovery Home can be interesting... been getting a lot of new people lately so i have to get out of my self-pity and roll up my sleeves. 

Talked with one young mans mother who has been a large part of his problem as she enables him by never telling him no when he manipulates her for money, help etc... She is going to an occasional Alanon meeting which is a support group for friends and families of alcoholics/addicts to try and learn more about how to deal with and help him. 

He is much like any other new person to recovery..they are willing to work the program for the most part..except for the most difficult parts which they feel must be compromised to fit their "unique" situation. 

Well...? we learn in recovery that we really are not very unique and that we must listen to others who have "forgetten" more about recovery than we are likely to "Know" anytime soon. We can really be in-the-dark about what is best for us sometimes


Spoke to an old highschool friend who has a CSW  certified social worker degree (but whom is into law now) who was very supportive of my decision to pursue the CAC certified addictions counselor career path.  She feels that i will do very well and that she had hoped to go that route but did not feel qualified as she has never needed recovery herself.  It is nice to now that will have the opportunity to turn years of stupidity and self-interest/abuse into something that can benefit others and help to improve or even save their lives.
Had a good meeting today Ma'am...it is so hard to not try and win Your heart....to listen to You and to let go, just be friends and only do recovery...i fear that even though You say You'll be around...that You might find someone to serve You 24/7 in the meantime...and that i need to learn to satisfy You asap.  i really need to learn to put it in God's hands.....that if i am destined to be the one to truly serve You...then it will be so, or it wont if its not meant to be..and that all the exertion of my own will in the world will not facilitate serving You,  but possibly push You further away.

"Trick or Treat...can i kiss Your feet?"


Shackles, Chains and a Whip that stings...these are a few of my favorite things...

Fond Memory of Ma'am number 10. When MyssBytch had me on the cross @ wicked and You came around the back and faced me, tortured my nipples and smiled Your wicked sweet smile at me while i was being beaten..You were like an Angel and SheDevil combined and certainly made me want to sell my soul to the Devil to be Yours forever.

Trick or Beating tonight?

     

Anyone going "begging"?...lol  i know i do alot of that off-season as well...hehe.  Great night for wearing Your BDSM apparel in public without anyone raising an eyebrow...(well..maybe?...but at least they'll probably think its "only" a costume ;) )

i will take the high road Ma'am...i still hope to be Your friend..and i cant imagine not loving You.  it kinda burns me up that other males You own or play with cannot be there for You when You need them the most such as when moving furniture, etc. when they should be the first to volunteer or just show up. (i dont understand how You can be turned on enough to play by their service when they let You down when most needed).  Regardless of their situation,  i will still be Your friend if You wish it, and i will help You unconditionally and without expectation..just please do not insinuate any familiarity or impending play or intimacy if You are not willing to follow through or do not really mean it or want it.  Being Your friend also means that i do NOT serve You at this time...and frankly...rubbing Your feet and back as often as i do seems like service to me so if You truly Are interested in being friends with me...You will hopefully be content with my company such as it is.  You are entirely right...ive wanted You so bad i couldnt stand the thought of life without You and i tried to control and steer the situation and only pushed You away.  i must let go as least for a while.

Happy Halloween!!!

my favorite holiday..hehehe  unfortunately, i will be spending it in a "vanilla" fashion by going to a couple events and parties of a non-D/s nature. Halloween is best spent in @ a BDSM event in my opinion... But one must muddle through..lol 


Going to dress in all black today...black dress pants/dress shirt/shoes with a purple tie but i've got me a purple glow collar to wear so i'll feel a little more comfortable.. :)  Maybe i'll take a photo of said ensemble to post?

i wish You a Happy Halloween Ma'am and a great Weekend...hopefully, micheal will be available to serve You as i am sure he wishes to feel his birthday present..lol  hope he can take 25 whacks with that leather paddle.  guess ill wait till next year and get 42 whacks if i am blessed enough with somebody i can "click" with and does not have panic attacks at the thought of playing with me.  i am sorry to sound sarcastic..but i had really looked foward to a birthday spanking i guess.  i am so sorry i do not click with You....i wish You could better communicate with me what it is about me You do not like...that causes You irritation these days...as Your friend ( not slave) last weekend..i do not see what i did that was so bad to cause You such distress?  after You ran outside, i went in the bathroom and cryed...hadnt sobbed out loud like that since when my mother died.

Humble Regards,

Bill

New Photos uploaded!!!

i have uploaded a couple new pix of Yours submissively that were taken with my Webcam (so theyre not the best quality). 

Happy Halloween!!!

i have also uploaded some photos of my custom carved pumpkins that i did several years back.  i had hoped to carve something this year but time did not permit.  Maybe next year, i'll carve something appropriate for Wicked detroit's Halloween show???

it is serving You that i enjoy and had expected to do most Ma'am, but when others arent around to help You when You need help the most, but they get to play...well, i feel like poor Rudolph who doesnt get to play in any Reindeer games.  it make me feel as if i am only good enough to serve in a limited capacity and that i am unattractive.  i am sorry if this is having unreal expectations or is selfish..and it probably is...but i like the desert as well as the meal.

i wanna go back to school...:D

In MSN news today...

DETROIT - The principal of Spain Elementary/Middle School in Detroit has been placed on paid leave while police investigate a student's allegation that the principal repeatedly hit him with a paddle.

i wonder if the principal has a profile here on CM?...lol

Please be safe tonight if You go out, Ma'am

Happy Devil's night to all You devilish Goddess's and Mistress's  :D 

Stick a couple pitchforks in Your subbie to make sure he's "done"...lol

Do You miss me as much as i miss You Ma'am? i hope You are not sad right now...but i Do hope You miss me...i wish i were  @ Your feet right now just massaging them 4 U.

i am such an attention-whore..lol

Went to Drug court today to sit in and observe...it was rescheduled so i will do it soon instead..maybe even speak there

Afterwards...did an open speaker talk @ a residential substance abuse treatment center...my best talk yet :).  And ive found that this line of work is really getting hot despite the shitty economy and the place in question will be hiring several people on soon.  i was even told by one counselor that my qualifications collectively exceed her own so i have some phone calls to make tommorow :D

i've played in bands for many years, so working a crowd is not unfamiliar to me although it was only as a guitar player in the past.  Being the little attention whore that i am, this is yet another reason why this will make a good career choice. LOL
 

On a more spiritual note...

Talked in depth with my sponsor today about some recent happenings and have some new perspective on my progress, residual selfishness and inappropriate expectations.  i have learned that selfish things done in the name of love can still be self serving..we bullshit ourselves that it is ok because love is a virtuous cause...but the ends cannot justify the means if the means are selfish and/or unethical.  My sponsor is just a little too "in-the-know" on things to the point it scares me @ times...lol

  While pursuing some volunteer work today, i visited one of my recovery friends, Eddie..who is in hospital today... and his doctor told him he pretty much needs to quit smoking or its lights-out for him permanently.  Well? i tend to believe in coincidences much less these days, so i offered to quit simultaneously to help him along as i know he'll have a really hard time of it.  i had already planned to quit smoking soon anyways but this will move forward the timetable on that and give me added incentive to follow through as my friends health may depend on my success as well.

i still love and care about You Ma'am...i am just really hurt and confused right now.

Careers and Nicotine cessation

A new direction

Well, i talked to some folks today and my future as a mental health/addictions counselor is a genuine & likely possibility.  This is an extremely fast growing job market due to increased federal spending on Mental health and substance abuse treatment as well as increased private company-based treatment and counseling.  i already possess way more computer skills then are required for said job(s) and will continue to use them in other ways to further increase my financial situation and my capability of properly caring for and woship of any Goddesses or Mistresses i come to serve oneday.  i am an intelligent, creative and confident person in my abilities so i will be driven2earn...:)

Tobacco

Since i smoke outside..lol, i will use this winter as an opportunity to quit cigarette smoking for my health, professional reasons and to be a more eligible and suitable submissive to Whomever i oneday serve.  i plan on cutting down over the next week or two and getting with my primary care physician to discuss the best approach to this (beit nicotine patches or one of the recent medications to negate nicotine cravings)

Guess i'll be chewing alotta gum in the upcoming months..lol  ;)

Updated Profile alert.

i am no longer seeking Only friends in the BDSM community as i wish to serve a Goddess or Mistress one day in a 24/7    D/s relationship.

bill

Well, the longhair is an anachronism now...donated it to "Locks for Love" to make wigs (2 from all the hair i had..lol) for cancer or burn patient children.  Thought i would miss it, but i feel so much better without it for some strange reason. 

i will elaborate more on this later...Happy spankings everyone!!!

bill

Spirituality

For many, the term Spirituality brings to mind organized religion in its many forms, but spirituality need not be defined by the strict, dogmatic principles of religion and does not even require believe in a God albeit most spiritual people do.

For me Religion is defined as believing in a particular deity, be it Christ, Allah, Dionysus, Buddha etc.  It also means following a particular set of rules and dogma associated with said deity.  I have always believed in a God of this Universe, but I am not so arrogant to pretend to understand what form God takes or what his name is... I believe that God may exist “within” the Universe as part of a whole, as opposed to his creating it, that there IS some grand design or destiny that the Universe is heading towards which will be one of Goodness and Greatness, and that G.O.D. may simply Be this Grand design behind the universe, that doing His will means getting in line with the Good Orderly Direction of the universe and its evolution. 

Spirituality: To be one with God’s Will might be analogized as simply as this…by going in the direction of a river’s current, we encounter the least resistance and are carried along to the natural and intended destination.  If we diverge from the path of the water, we encounter resistance and hardship and in the extreme, when we try to travel against the current, we may be swept away and drowned under the weight of the water.

When an Alcoholic (or addict) undergoes recovery, he is encouraged to surrender his will to God, a higher power, or a “God of his understanding”.  This does NOT mean he must become religious, but must come to realize that he, alone, cannot control his drinking or his destiny to a positive outcome. He must get in line with the “current of the river” to make his life one of happiness and productivity. 

For me, spirituality also means instead of always doing the thing most selfishly beneficial to us, that we instead do the next right thing, and to make good on our commitments.  A commitment is usually defined as making good on a promise, but a commitment might also be defined as doing something we do not wish to do, although we usually know it to be the “right” thing to do.  Lately, I find myself better able to see my commitments through to the end, and to not waver and give up simply because it becomes difficult or because it lacks immediate self-gratification.  This can be difficult to do when hope starts to fail in terms of a successful or positive outcome, but that is where spirituality comes into play…the faith that if I continue to do the next right thing regardless of what’s in it for me…that if it is meant to be, then I will eventually prevail. 

A large part of spirituality is doing things to help others and learning to not always see a person, thing, event or opportunity in terms of self-benefit, but how it may serve others, realizing that it will help me to grow emotionally and spiritually in the long run.  Becoming more spiritually aware, to me, is learning to better coexist with other people and to learn to look at problems and situations for their perspective as well as my own. 

Now despite what ive written above, I have, by no mean, yet achieved all this…I DO wish to embrace the aforementioned principles and I am reasonably certain in the sincerity of my INTENT….but my ACTIONS have yet to demonstrate a full embrace of these spiritual guidelines.  Spiritual progress, Not spiritual perfection is the order of the day…and I DO feel that I am well on my way to becoming an emotionally balanced and spiritual person…but the road is still long before me and I must never rest on my laurels and always remain Driven2serve.

Regards,

bill

Difficult Conversations


Just wanted to wish everyone a great Weekend a bit early...lol 

umm...yeah..still working on that Spirituality entry for my journal...silly me...start something simple and turn it into a project..lol. 

Definetly one of my character defects..perfectionism!!!  Well...nothing wrong with wanting to do it right and please people..but one must learn when to compromise between quality and productivity.  i am afraid, at times, i will sacrifice the later for the former.  This is something else i must improve on as it can often be an irksome trait to have in the eyes of any Dom/me's

My brother told me of a book he is reading that i must have...it is called "Difficult conversations" and deals with the way people (myself i am thinking of, of course) improperly deal with conflicts and arguments and create more problems rather than solve them. 

It tells of how to go about handling these difficult situations and how to learn to be responsible for your own actions and to learn to be more sensitive to what You say to others and how it will be percieved from their point-of-view.  It talks of owning up to Your own part in an argument and not always trying to shift the blame onto others even when You feel you've the right to do so.

Take for example...a husband and wife are at a dinner party....she is trying to watch her weight and has previously asked him to help her with this.  After they eat, she says out loud that she is going back for seconds...the husband then says "Honey, do You really think that is a good idea?"  She becomes angry with him and he is confused since he thinks he has done what she has asked him... and done so at least in a polite way. 

She is hurt and embarrassed and the situation only gets worse when he tries to vindicate his actions by explaining that he was only trying to do what "She" asked him to do and he comes off implying that she has no right to be angry at him for doing as "She" asked in the first place. 

The woman is embarrassed in public and the book states that the Man should say that he is sorry for embarrassing her in public and that it was not his intent to do so, that he only meant to help her with what she asked and that he should have had more foresight before he spoke. 

Good example?...Shit, i dont know?..LOL  

This example is what my brother explained to me over the phone as i have not yet had the opportunity to read this book, but plan to do so soon...

until later my phreaky phriends...

bill   aka   driven2serve

Spirituality will have to wait..pretty tired 2nite


Well, i had fun at the Funday for severly handicapped children....i never did the chicken dance when i was drinking, but somehow got "roped" into helping to teach some handicapped kids to do it today...talk about humility?....it felt good to do something nice, but Damn...that was almost a "hard limit" for me...lol


Quote of the day:" i dont hear Your words, but Your actions are screaming at me"


regards,
bill

Spiritual Sunday, sunday, funday!!!


Getting ready to go volunteer my time in Dearborn at a "Funday" picnic for severly physically and mentally handicapped children. 

Downside?...having to wear a flourescent yellow t-shirt that advertises the event...LOL (flourescent yellow?...yecchh)

Upside?  Helping others who have much greater obstacles in life than do i.


i will be making a journal entry later today on spirituality and what is does and doesnt mean to me. (it being Sunday and all..)

Thought for tonight...

If you choose your behavior, you also choose your consequences.

and thank You to a Goddess for sending me this...

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change,
the courage to change the things i cannot accept,
and the wisdom to bury the bodies of the people i had to kill today that pissed me off!!!

                                Slitheter Who?


Well the weekend is here and i just don't seem to know what it is to relax anymore...life is all business it seems!!!  But it is keeping me sane so "theres" something, i guess?..lol 

i know that some of You were curious as to where i got my previous nickname of "slitheterpliss"....well?  its actually an alien character from a very popular Sci-fi book. 

The alien is evolved from a snake, and is a very duplicitous and manipulating character.  i chose the name purely on the fact that i liked the sound of the name, not based on any appreciation of the character's personality traits, although, before i entered recovery... I imagine i shared many of them.  

This fact is yet another reason for the name change. 

The new nickname i chose, Driven2serve reflects how i feel about the BDSM lifestyle and that, although being relatively new to the BDSM community, i know in my "heart of hearts" that a vanilla relationship would never last long for me, and that my absolute goal in life is to be enslaved to a Goddess that shares my interests and fetishes.

The main reason i am no longer under consideration to the One whom i wish serve and, indeed, love....is because it was Her wish that i not rush into any BDSM training and that i take more time to recover further and discover a bit more about who i am.  i listened to her best i could, but did not take Her words to heart as i was blinded by my love and attraction to Her, and the BDSM lifestyle. 

Since entering recovery, i have been able to successfully give up control of my life to spirituality and a better way of living. i have been able to work and do things day to day that benefit and help others as opposed to merely benefitting me...however, i was not able to give up my will to control my destiny when it came to serving the One i used to have the honor of calling my Goddess.

my willingness to serve her and have my heart, soul and life controlled and guided by her was, and still is.. sincere in the extreme.  my problem was one of fear, low self-esteem, and lack of confidence.  i was afraid that No-one could really care about me and that any interest in me had to be selfish and insincere...i had forgotten how to trust people first, until given reason not to..rather than the other way around. 

Every little thing that did not go the way i thought it should, would tap into my low-self esteem and make that little alcoholic voice in my head scream out "conspiracy...your being used, taken advantage of...no one loves you..are You crazy?" and the survivor part of me, my ego i guess, would wish to stand up for myself and rebel against any injustice against me.(erroneously percieved as it may be).  This would make me defensive, angry and cause me to try and justify and rationalize my actions, and to take inventory of other's words and actions when it is/was my own words and actions that i needed to be aware of. 

Always believing that compromise was the answer in any argument, i would never take full responsibility during a disagreement..even when i was solely responsible.  i would "vindicate" myself by quickly accepting "half" the responsibility for the disagreement, if only they would take the blame for the other half.

i realize now, that i must take Full responsibility for my words and actions, and even if/when others are wrong for whatever reason, that i can only keep my side of the street clean, and that i must accept & appreciate others for who they are , rather than for who i would have them be.

regards,

bill