Let me start off by saying that I never imagined that I would end up where I am. I came into this looking for a play partner. What I found was something else. The bubbly exterior was a facade hiding a spiky ball of pain, loathing, and desperation. I know, I know... the sane thing to do would have been to run for the hills, but running isn't my default setting, and nobody's ever accused me of being sane.
There was a semi-mystical feeling of connection I had with her when I first saw her, but the overriding, guiding principle of my decision to take on the responsibility of becoming her mentor and Master was a kind of desire that transcends simple lust. I saw her and said "I want that". All of that; body, mind, and soul. Goal in mind, I set about doing what would have to be done to get what I wanted.
I'd never had anything like a slave before (and while she's never been formally collared to me, she is a slave by nature and had to be approached as such). I was less than 2 years into the lifestyle and was still in the "learning that it is OK to do these things to people" stage of exploration. However, I have taught magick and life skills to seekers for over two decades. I've also been ordained clergy for about as long, and have counseled people through just about everything that life can throw at a person.
So, I thought I had a sliver of a chance at success. I went for it.
It worked.
So now we come to the bombastic claim I threw out there in the title of this little essay. I'm going to share my secrets with the world. Why? Because I'm awesome like that. Also, because there aren't any secrets. If you are a fairly well-adjusted decent human being, you already know everything you need to know. The following are simply reminders:
1. Remember thou art mortal. Seriously, if you're holding delusions of Domly Infallibility, you are not only your own worst enemy, but you can completely destroy your subject. Someone who is in a delicate mental and emotional state doesn't need your braggadocio and bluster, she needs you to fucking BE THERE for her. You better be walking your best walk and keeping an eye on your ego, because while it is important to present a confident aspect to inspire trust, any whiff of bullshit and you're going to undermine your entire program.
2. Listen to her. If you do not understand something, ask. Keep asking. Good intel is vital to a successful operation. You will be fed what she trusts you to handle when she is ready to share it and not before. This will be frustrating as hell. Suck it up, buttercup. The essence of diligence is patience.
3. Be patient.
4. Be available. She will have crises and breakthroughs at the most inconvenient times, not unlike an infant or young child. You will need to respond as you would to a child. Do not get angry or she will not approach you next time, and it is vitalthat you maintain her confidence. If you don't, you will not know what is going on and your ability to control the situation will go right out the window.
5. Provide firm boundaries, but keep them soft. Soft and firm, like a padded iron bar. She will test them. Make sure they hold, unless new intel makes that a bad idea. You will need to remain agile to changing conditions (and if things are going well, conditions will be changing rapidly). If you change the boundaries, make sure she knows that they are changing, and why. Getting her buy-in is important to building her sense of self-control and participation in her own recovery.
6. ALWAYS KEEP YOUR WORD. Dead serious on this. If you say you will do something you had better fucking do it or give a damn good reason why not. This also means being on time when you meet her, or even a bit early, which can be tough if it isn't your habit. Keep doing it and it will be, which is a nice added bonus.
7. Build her confidence. Praise her successes and be supportive when she fails. Disciplining her for failures can come later, if she ever gets to where it doesn't eat away at her soul and make her internalize that she is worthless or a fuck up. You need to shelve that part of the dynamic for when she is strong enough. Just as you wouldn't make someone recovering from knee surgery dance with you, don't make someone who is not able to stand up on their own kneel to you. Give her responsibilities, tasks, and challenges to overcome. Be careful to gauge them to be neither so difficult she retreats into self-criticism nor so easy she feels patronized.
(Side rant: What in the name of Odin's Hairy Left Nut is wrong with those Doms who want weak, mewling, broken, helpless subs who were that way when they found them? There is no glory in subjugating the weak, no true power in ruling those without the will to rule themselves. It's like drinking Ensure for all your meals...it makes one wonder if you have teeth at all, o "Alpha Wolf" Dom.)
8. Be compassionate. Sometimes this means taking a gentle pity on her cares, sometimes this means fighting for her very life on the edges of the abyss. What it always means is that it's not about you, it's about her. (I know, this seems very un-Domly, but think about it, you have a mission. You want her. Being selfless can be a very self-centered act if you have a goal in mind. Be half Rommel, half Buddha.)
OK, so those are the main elements of success. They are the same general rules you will find in any book on relationships, I just gave them a bit different treatment.
Nothing worth doing is easy. Sometimes, the harder a thing is, the more worth it it is. If your girl is anything like mine (or your guy, these are unisex nuggets of wisdom), "worth it" is an understatement.
Corollary on desire: yes, you can take what you want as soon as she submits. There is no victory to be had there. When you make her want to give herself to you, that is what success looks like.
