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It all started when I met Him. I am here to write about that journey to slavein the journals . I will not attempt to write in any particular order. I wish that the journals here would appear in the opposite order when I add on it will make them backwards. Everything I write will be saved in a safe location and I do have a way to copywrite my journals. How many words does a journal entry hold that is the question.I will keep adding on to the same journal and see if there is a limit. I have many facets to myself from Dominant all the way to slave. Dragon knew this from the beginning because He had many years experience and His skills are very refined. I welcome email but it may not always been answered .Im not seeking any particular thing I just know i need to write. It has been a few years now that I have been serving Him. everything i write is true and i have kept many conversations from my journey with Him.
this is my first journal entry of how it all started. yes it is long as is my journey with Him.
It was here on this site.A few years back. I was vanilla but something drew me to the lifestyle. I wish now I would have kept the very first messages. I remember I had a pic up showing nudity. I knew something was driving me to be in the lifestyle. I know I got many messages here at first. I just knew that I needed to be part of it. I didnt know then why. I know that He messaged me a couple of times and it was very short messages. I felt something. It was not just what He had wrote on His profile or the messages , It was not His picture but I did focus a lot on His eyes, something was coming through. I do not know how I replied to Him at first . I just know that I kept going back to His profile and I would just sit and stare at it and I was drawn in , drawn to Him and I felt something. I am trying to be as honest as possible as I write in these journals in what I recall. Its hard because years later I can look back understanding things that I did not know then and I dont want that to spill over into what I remember from the first days. My mind jumps a lot so I am sure these journals will get completely out of order. Yes I am still learning from Him. There I was I started talking to Him. I know I liked sexbut It was not just sex I was seeking.I was having sex dozens of times a day with someone in vanilla.I knowother people were writing to me , I thought about pain and being on my knees and under the control of someone. The conversations began. I know that He asked me what I was needing or something to that effect. I remember describing things I had always felt or thought of. I told Him I could remember having thoughts about having a Dominant control me that for some reason when I found the parties and the lifestyle all of those thoughts came back . I know I described things I had seen in my head . I know looking back He knew what I was and exactly what I was describing. He seen between or into everything I was saying . The conversations with Dragon started. I was working from home at the time. He started by talking to me online through messages on collar and on yahoo. The way He talked its still very hard to explain. He just was. Each morning I would wake up and He would talk to me through out the day hours and hours and hours of talking .At times He would not say anything but I could see him online in the bottom of my screen . When we talked I cant describe the feelings I would get. I could just feel Him there over me ...around me...watching me . He would talk in ways I could feel and see . He started teaching me about Daddy at first. If I went to the store or anywhere, on walks He was there with me. He would use things around me , talk about the environments I was in , my phone making noise would cause feelings inside of me . He was there with me in my mind but I could feel Him. I could hear what His voice would sound like . I could feel how He made my body react . He used things that I needed and He gave them to me. He would not tell me what to do He would just talk and all of it made me high and Then naturally I started asking for more and more , to learn more, to go deeper , to serve, to kneel, to taste, to feel Him .. To hear Him ..to touch Him. He also made sure I always understood what I was getting in to. He made sure that I separated this realm with him from any vanilla . He made sure it did not interfere and I was taught to not let it interfere. my lessons continued with Dragon. I started to feel like I was not vanilla and that I had never been vanilla and there was a part of me that was born to be in the lifestyle and not just as play or what I had seen at parties. I know that I do jump around when I write but im not going to go back and edit I am just writing. It started with Daddy and I started learning about my baby girl part. He was patient so very patient. Was it sexual, yes it was sexual because I am a highly sexual being . He got into my mind and started learning me , exploring, watching my reactions, my buttons , good and bad . Many hours spent talking , outside inside all over I talked and talked and talked to Him. Many of the conversations . He told me there was no going back, I did not want there to be. He built trust in many ways, I told him all my secrets things I had never told any other person. The discovery of myself had begun. He gave me rules for safety . He taught me that vanilla would never understand. He likes dark hair . My hair was already dark. He likes shaved smooth in all areas. He had other girls near them . I never tried to talk to them. I just assumed that the lifestyle being dark that is up to the Master to decide. He did not allow me to say I was owned for the first few months. It was one way He pushed me. He was very different than other doms that kept messaging. He gave me freedom, Freedom to roam , explore, talk, . He just kept watching and learning me. I kept asking for commands , that is not his way. He just kept giving me what I needed and learning me. I found other places that had things he wrote, I felt Him through all of those things. I was still not allowed to hear His voice . I had to trust. What I had was His words and His profile and the pic He had on his profile..It was hard to trust but part of it was the way he was testing me. I asked questions. I gave him reasons I should not trust but I also felt my instinct saying I would be safe . What I remember from the first year is Daddy and how much I needed Him and how much the baby girl asked for Him and asked for many things. I learned how to beg it was something that just happened. He knew it was . He never told me to . He did it by just being what He is and that made me need more and more . He started pushing me in other ways. The things I had gotten used to he started taking them away. I remember starting to act out and throw tantrums or attempting to control, I didnt mean to it just started happening. I learned that if I didnt act in this way that He may give some of those things back but He always stayed far ahead of me and I never knew his moves. He started staying hidden more and more and I never knew when I would get a message or what kind of message it would be. He really didnt say I was owned in the first few months thats going back to the part where I said that He didnt let me say I was or name who was teaching me. The baby girl begged to taste Daddy and to be near him and there is a part of me that is slut . I explored that with Him. I needed that connection and Him Dominating me. I needed the mental Domination . I am still learning how to put words or labels on all of it but He filled what I needed. He pay attention and He filled any need He seen. I was all like a dream but very familiar. I learned that I had always tried to top myself because I needed that mental Domination and to give up control and power to someone . I also was masochistic and we talked about my thoughts involoving pain. Each
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third entry today. I never knew how selfish parts of me were until I started my lessons with Him. |
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Second entry today, He leaves me in hours or days of silence and all I can do is let go..He has all control,trained to not let my mind run rampant but stay focused and open as He pushes.knowing where it leads if I start to think too much ..the thoughts that make start to put up walls filter in off and on..that cause strong surges..at first agony and then I exhale and let go and the surges go through..the wetness but much more than wetness it's a need for Him a hunger to feel Him near and all that means..keeps walking as I type feeling His hold.not knowing where he is or what other one may be near Him.knowing what this is ..all of this with him..knowing what submitting to him means.. |
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I ponder my journey. I have now been taken to a place that I wait and wait for him. A place I've learned to not fear and trust a place I feel and react to his presence. Part of me still doesn't like it ,not all the time just some of the time I start to think how he takes more and more away and that makes me fear the future. My voice inside talks to me .He has taken those things out of me (the part that thinks or fears)that part is there less and less, I start to think I will just leave that I don't need it any more that I will find someone who gives me more time or doesn't have other girls or many other things that spends time with me and then I think no all of those things is how I'm pushed and I submit and I crave that submitting ,,surrendering and then I hate the part of me that needs these things and then I love them..so I stay waiting |
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i have said it many times and I seen it in another girls profile. Dominance is a trait. I refer to it as TRUE Dominance. Its not how some males bully its not necessarily how they take charge or bark orders . True dominance is a trait its how someone carries themselves , its their energy, its often soft and they just are and people are drawn towards them , true submissive are the same its a trait something inside , something you are born with.
he overtakes me , He overtakes everything I am. He changed me. He taught me and I grew. He taught me to look at myself and I changed. I am still learning and growing. Growing is difficult. I make mistakes. I have to remember to trust and open and communicate and not hold anything back . I cant fear . |
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today journal will be whatever words that keep coming . I will add on as the day goes on and maybe some links to music im listening to
slowly on the path I walked
slowly He changed me
One word at a time
I feel like im twirling in between worlds
not really fitting into any of them
because he changed me
if i started to slide back , He would nudge and poke
I am what He has made of me
I wanted to learn
He taught me
oh did He teach me
I dont know if its what I needed because Im changed
I react to what He needs
i just know there is no going back
I know that in the past I was numb
I know that He broke through in so many ways
at times I still sit numb and then all the He has done hits me and feelings FLOOD and FLOOD
its made me not fit in anywhere with those that will never understand
So I am here and Im not
and I wait
I am owned I know what it means and some of it is good and some is bad
spinning and sppining farthur out in the darkness
needing to scream
knowing all I know
its just me
nobodys here with me
needing to scream all I know but i cant
it would do no good anyway
so I am here
brutal honesty comes to mind
I do SEE I SEE too much and I understand too much
its a curse but its mine to bare
spinning and spinning turning music up louder
waiting ...
surviiving
I can feel His moods
its 9:55 am maybe a hot shower is in order. I already took a bath .
people are so stupid to focus on pics and not words. music: loud pearl Jam. .
I think I decided on a bath, humming to pearl to jam......
tired, sadness, no resistance, spins
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Now is when I would call out for help..but I stay open ..willing no matter what he does even if he's really just draining me slowly..I'm grateful..I know I do the best I can..I know I'm not resisting or trying to manipulate.. I'm genuinely doing all I know how to do..this is my second journal today.. |
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i will modifiy this as they day goes on. I sit and I write knowing that most will never read it and if they do they will not comprehend. Why do I know this? because I have been here I have written I have conversed and nobody ever gets it. He knows they wont. I have so many words inside of me that need to explode that my fingers can barely keep up with my mind.
He started with me over six years ago. I still don't know why me. He had poems and another girl He was with had blogs. he had blogs. Some of His poems very dark others were warm, intoxicating. I have saved most of my journey because I myself know how crazy some of it sounds.
I have met some older dominants in the lifestyle that grasp some of it. They understand the mental before physical and the deeper places and the power of it.
right now I can barely type I am dizzy. I cant put into words the hunger He keeps me. all the sex pervs here always think I write about sex or arousal or horny or needing tocum. No its not like that . I will try to explain. I crave Him. I crave the way His feels. His dominance over me . It does make me aroused and needing and wet but its NOT NOT NOT about just sex. If you are going to read this please understand. The hunger he built . I know how he built it , its all in my mind but so hard to explain through the mental bondage and hunger and mental domination. He keeps my mind in a web but he also created it my learning my needs and feeding them and then pulling back. He has trained me over time to not think and just feel so its very hard to write it.
jumping back to today. its hard to sit in my chair and write. The hunger for Him becomes unbearable. The mental bondage knows I cant resist or fight because I wont get what I need. there are different parts of me . I guess we all have them . he explored and learned and Mastered every part of me. at times im nervous about what im writing because if he read its I may not be explaining it correctly and then I don't know what lessons I will receive
Today I have been back and forth because He turns up the agony . He can feel me and knows how much I need Him. He feeds on this. I can try to stay busy . I can try to shift positions I can try but it takes me down and I just lay somewhere and the heat comes off of me. its like I can feel it through my fingers and everywhere radiating of me. If I don't stay open and focused it feels like I could go crazy because the hunger is maddening.
I cant speak at times, I cant think at all , thinking makes me need him more and the agony is greater. I have tried and tried and tried to explain how He takes me over or whatever the right words are to express it.
He knows that nobody is like Him . He knows his power. He knows that other people cant understand . I don't need help but he knows they cant help me or feed me.
I am alone in that place with Him . Nobody can break in. I can write I can function, I can go to my job I can go do social activies with vanilla or whoever but nobody can break in . I am totally at His mercy. Back to the pieces of me. Im pretty sure they were all inside of me or maybe he brought them all out sometimes I say maybe he created them as He changed me to what he needed. The intensity with him is so great that when I do attempt to resist part of me tells myself I am in the web because he didn't understand me or maybe I wasn't sincere and I was trying to mainuplate so he makes all of this seem really warm and good and intoxicating but really im in the web for a bad reason. and then the other part of me says no look at your growth and how it feels when im allowed to serve. and serving to me is not what most think serving to me is right now as I am in agony but also when im allowed to be near him and serve . He doesn't tell me direct things or answers, its all like clues or hints but yet I learn. right now im not sure I have been learning all that ims uppose to .
I just know this fucking heat inside of me is intense . its a burning for him a hunger, needing fly under His control float connect but also feed I don't know all of my parts talk at once but He can control them and direct them and dominate them. I can need a daddy or I am a slut or I am a slave or I switch but he owns all of me . I was vanilla, just an everyday vanilla person that fell into this lifestyle and then met Him after awhile.
sometimes I do say I need someone to help me, its like when I have watched others scene and it gets so intense that the slave cries out but then He catches me before I am harmed and then I breathe. I do breathe now I have to but its not the same kind of breathing.
over and over I reach for him. I have made so many mistakes, Im suppose to be completely open and trusting and as time went along I seem to go backwards , when I learned more and knew where he would take me or I kept finding out things, it would make me uneasy , so when I say things it gets all mixed up and doesn't come out right. he only gives me a chance to say short things. I cant really talk to him now. its like a new level of taking me to I react instantly without words or thinking.
It does get quiet and I feel alone because nobody can understand but would also not give up what He has allowed me to experience so if I am in the web for a bad reason it was all suppose to happen this way. I have no control.
all that he taught me helps me see through others. He dominated me to the point that I can see everyone elses weakness and I keep them out because of what He has taught me. I don't experience the lifestyle with Him in any vanilla form. over time he took that thinking out of me. I know that everyone that approaches me wants something most of the time its sex. I see all the games the little boys play here no matter what they call theirself and the girls also. Not just on this site but in the lifestyle. they think that messaging someone and saying Hey humiliate me that that somehow is submission or some know that its not , they are just using somebody to get the fetishes filled. They don't understand that real limits and pushing comes from a long process of work and learning somebody completely and then pushing the things they need in different ways or using the things they need to push what they don't want to do . submission comes from within. If you tell somebody to do something and they follow a command or play some games in the bedroom or add some pain that is just a freaking joke to me and the word fun is not something that even matters to me here. fun is nothing . the type of fulfillment and feeding that I have learned is something most will Never comprehend or experience. im going to lay back down in the bed . I don't care who reads this or if they do I keep the profile hidden most of the time. I write because I write and it is what it is.
he would push me and I would be begging it feels like for air or for my life and then He would tell me to feed and then He would say things over and over to me that would go deep into my Mind ..engrained ..and my physical reactions would all tie in to those words and all of me would remember. and all of it made me hunger for him more and more and more. He says I don't dream the dream. I live the dream.
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ive learned some very hard lessons recently |
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The last couple of weeks have been difficult |
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Its impossible to keep secrets from him.i dont even try the mental bondage pulls at me |
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I have no control i could never be with someone in vanilla now but if i mixed it with the lifestyle it would not be dark enough. I have no control.. |
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He gives me what i asked for and its hard to think through the mental bondage..i know i can never go back..i know i dont fit into vanilla and nobody can understand how he owns me. Recently he has stayed away more than ever before but then he appears and i drop and he reminds me he is Master. I have tried over the years to explain it or have a friend but even if a dom could get where he keeps me they would just try to dominate me. So im in this place with him that nobody can break into. He has told me before some girls get pushed in a hole to never get out. I have one part that knows how much i need this another saying yhis is all bullshit and then i just sit quiet trying to feel what im suppose to be doing. As of late i just wait i used to beg or offer but not i dont think im suppose to part of me says ill never get this another part says he doesnt want you to..im exactly What he is controlling |
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Right now i ponder how he controls me even through silence. He only needed to know certain things and many times things would just come spilling out of me on its own. After he knew wgat ge needed.There are many shades.i know he is probably on this site somewhere he always hunts but if he is i dont know. I used ti try to figure out more than i do now..he will do as he does and he is what he is..its hard to trust as much as it takes with him. |
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writing about the past shifted me and I had to stop . The past steps were taken to get me to where I am now.I will focus my journal entries on where I am each day that I feel this part of me needs to write about my journey with Him. |
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Today I sit and wait for Him always at His mercy. I have no control. Its strong need inside of me, its stronger than arousal or needing to orgasm, Its a craving a need , feeling like if I do not get His food I wont be able to breathe or sleep feeling like I will climb the walls . If the Dominant part of me tries to resist or think up reasons to try to not submit to him as it does when He makes me wait and wait and pulls the tension on the invisible ropes He has on me, at first I try to keep busy and over time it feels like I am starting to burn and it the heat gets so intense I cant stand it and all I can do is give in . In the past begging or doing certain things May allow me His presence but over time the lessons got deeper and I had to learn to wait longer and longer and stay in submission. I had to learn that He has total control and over time it was done in phases of what I was capable of. He controls all of me, he takes what he needs. I trust him to know when I need to be fed and I wait and wait. If I struggle it causes pain . sometimes I struggle and don't even realize im doing it and its all a learning process and growth over time. Its his rules, not any other rules, not the lifestyle or anything, its his rules and its not really rules its just the way that it is and the way that he is. I don't like that it is so dark but I know if it wasn't this dark I would search and part of me hates that part of me needs it this dark. There is not going back. If it ends with him I don't think I would ever be able to be owned by anyone else and I certainly can't go back to vanilla.but I know how rare it is to experience this and I know I was born to do all of this . I have to be in vanilla to survive as we all do. I find ways to satisfy vanilla needs and activities. its scary knowing he may not be here someday but I know that all things end and I am trained to not let fear be the basis in which I serve Him.
i was remembering today when things started to change with him but i know this is dark and its about who can serve him. : I know once at the end of the first year he went away for a month . This is when I started to lose some of what I had with him in the beginning the trust etc. I know that he had fed me the way he does and then he went away. I would message him and he would not respond I cant remember if he would read my messages. I know one message he sent to me was very harsh and it said I just fed you and more or less telling me not to message. Then a few weeks later he came back and then at some point I found out that a girl from his past had messaged him and I think he went and explored her and found out she needed something different and more vanilla than what he was so then he came back to train me . I remembered last night going through past notes that he trained the slut in me first and then the Daddy word naturally came out of me one day and then He taught me about the part of Him that is Daddy.
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I do not feel like writing on the first journal entry today to continue from where I left off. I want to write about the present. I asked him for this profile so the side of me that is most Dominant could write. I wanted to write about the hardest things and what that part of me thinks about. It still evolved into me starting at the beginning in the first journal entry. I am in darkness with Him. It is Master/slave. He explained to me going in and I knew . I knew how real it would be and I could sense how deep. I agreed to all of it but when its hard there is a part of me that tries to hide or resist or struggle or control. I have learned that no matter how much I want and need to submit and give up control He takes it to the truest point and I feel it only natural that I react in that way . That part of me makes up all kinds of reasons that I should not trust him , none of it has been true and then my mind circles back around and the mental bondage kicks in and I need him so much and I am on my knees again . I may go back and add on to the first journal entry about how my training evolved. |
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It was here on this site.A few years back. I was vanilla but something drew me to the lifestyle. I wish now I would have kept the very first messages. I remember I had a pic up showing nudity. I knew something was driving me to be in the lifestyle. I know I got many messages here at first. I just knew that I needed to be part of it. I didn't know then why. I know that He messaged me a couple of times and it was very short messages. I felt something. It was not just what He had wrote on His profile or the messages , It was not His picture but I did focus a lot on His eyes, something was coming through. I do not know how I replied to Him at first . I just know that I kept going back to His profile and I would just sit and stare at it and I was drawn in , drawn to Him and I felt something. I am trying to be as honest as possible as I write in these journals in what I recall. Its hard because years later I can look back understanding things that I did not know then and I don't want that to spill over into what I remember from the first days. My mind jumps a lot so I am sure these journals will get completely out of order. Yes I am still learning from Him. There I was I started talking to Him. I know I liked sex but It was not just sex I was seeking.I was having sex dozens of times a day with someone in vanilla. I know other people were writing to me , I thought about pain and being on my knees and under the control of someone. The conversations began. I know that He asked me what I was needing or something to that effect. I remember describing things I had always felt or thought of. I told Him I could remember having thoughts about having a Dominant control me that for some reason when I found the parties and the lifestyle all of those thoughts came back . I know I described things I had seen in my head . I know looking back He knew what I was and exactly what I was describing. He seen between or into everything I was saying . The conversations with Dragon started. I was working from home at the time. He started by talking to me online through messages on collar and on yahoo. The way He talked its still very hard to explain. He just was. Each morning I would wake up and He would talk to me through out the day hours and hours and hours of talking .At times He would not say anything but I could see him online in the bottom of my screen . When we talked I cant describe the feelings I would get. I could just feel Him there over me ...around me...watching me . He would talk in ways I could feel and see . He started teaching me about Daddy at first. If I went to the store or anywhere, on walks He was there with me. He would use things around me , talk about the environments I was in , my phone making noise would cause feelings inside of me . He was there with me in my mind but I could feel Him. I could hear what His voice would sound like . I could feel how He made my body react . He used things that I needed and He gave them to me. He would not tell me what to do He would just talk and all of it made me high and Then naturally I started asking for more and more , to learn more, to go deeper , to serve, to kneel, to taste, to feel Him .. To hear Him ..to touch Him. He also made sure I always understood what I was getting in to. He made sure that I separated this realm with him from any vanilla . He made sure it did not interfere and I was taught to not let it interfere. my lessons continued with Dragon. I started to feel like I was not vanilla and that I had never been vanilla and there was a part of me that was born to be in the lifestyle and not just as play or what I had seen at parties. I know that I do jump around when I write but im not going to go back and edit I am just writing. It started with Daddy and I started learning about my baby girl part. He was patient so very patient. Was it sexual, yes it was sexual because I am a highly sexual being . He got into my mind and started learning me , exploring, watching my reactions, my buttons , good and bad . Many hours spent talking , outside inside all over I talked and talked and talked to Him. Many of the conversations . He told me there was no going back, I did not want there to be. He built trust in many ways, I told him all my secrets things I had never told any other person. The discovery of myself had begun. He gave me rules for safety . He taught me that vanilla would never understand. He likes dark hair . My hair was already dark. He likes shaved smooth in all areas. He had other girls near them . I never tried to talk to them. I just assumed that the lifestyle being dark that is up to the Master to decide. He did not allow me to say I was owned for the first few months. It was one way He pushed me. He was very different than other doms that kept messaging. He gave me freedom, Freedom to roam , explore, talk, . He just kept watching and learning me. I kept asking for commands , that is not his way. He just kept giving me what I needed and learning me. I found other places that had things he wrote, I felt Him through all of those things. I was still not allowed to hear His voice . I had to trust. What I had was His words and His profile and the pic He had on his profile..It was hard to trust but part of it was the way he was testing me. I asked questions. I gave him reasons I should not trust but I also felt my instinct saying I would be safe .
What I remember from the first year is Daddy and how much I needed Him and how much the baby girl asked for Him and asked for many things. I learned how to beg it was something that just happened. He knew it was . He never told me to . He did it by just being what He is and that made me need more and more . He started pushing me in other ways. The things I had gotten used to he started taking them away. I remember starting to act out and throw tantrums or attempting to control, I didn't mean to it just started happening. I learned that if I didn't act in this way that He may give some of those things back but He always stayed far ahead of me and I never knew his moves. He started staying hidden more and more and I never knew when I would get a message or what kind of message it would be. He really didn't say I was owned in the first few months that's going back to the part where I said that He didn't let me say I was or name who was teaching me. The baby girl begged to taste Daddy and to be near him and there is a part of me that is slut . I explored that with Him. I needed that connection and Him Dominating me. I needed the mental Domination . I am still learning how to put words or labels on all of it but He filled what I needed. He pay attention and He filled any need He seen. I was all like a dream but very familiar. I learned that I had always tried to top myself because I needed that mental Domination and to give up control and power to someone . I also was masochistic and we talked about my thoughts involoving pain. Each time He would push it would be a little harder and as much as I said I wont resist or I do need to submit I would struggle and act out as a result of all of that I started learning more about myself and walls I had and pain and buried things that I kept locked away. I didn't realize then that we all have that natural instinct to not let go if someone is trying to take your power and the way he did it was so literal each time and to the depth that I could stand in each phase and step on my journey that I would resist. I needed to suckle daddy, I needed to be near him , at his feet curled up in the floor. I needed to rub myself and touch myself when He was near. I needed to suck my thumb as Him and I talked about many times and I would start physically sucking as I talked to him. He started taking me down to my knees literally from wherever I was at. He would start talking and I would become weak and he would keep going and everything he said would just ripple through me and I would be in subspace . I remember so many times being outside because I loved to walk and he was helping me stay in shape . He always knew if I was in a safe place and the next thing I would know I would be down on the ground as I talked to him. Physically it was a different kind of arousal than I had ever experienced but I also could not stand and my mind was floating. He did have me masturbate in all kinds of places . When I write now I am still in His mind web . My mind is in His cage that has evolved over the years. One of the things I said at that time just a couple of months in was...When He says mmmmmm something goes through my being that I can't describe. something deep and dark something that most people have buried inside. I started to kneel naturally not just physically but my being needed to kneel . He didn't have to command it it happened naturally as He knew it would. He would taunt and taunt me. He would say things exactly how I needed them . I did not know about Dragon then I knew daddy but He was much more than Daddy. I do like cock and sex and Him and I go round and round about sex and fucking because I know that its much more than sex that goes on between us but He will smile and go back to taunting me and then I am on my knees again begging for His cock. ok back to the first year...When He talked He was so Dominant but it wasn't harsh or abusive He was born how he is and he just talks and the way he talks made me follow naturally. He didn't have to command me. I n ever seem him ranting in his profile or being insecure . He always has control. One of His messages in the first year simply said. Im going to call you so we can discuss your pussy. Im sure I just started at the message waiting for the call . The way He talked to me and all the way he fed my needs and allowed me to feed from him, I needed him more and more and more. I had never been so wet , creamy and in heat in my entire life. I begged to pay for His cock. I begged for a lick , a kiss, a touch, a taste a smell, I begged clean it . The baby girl begged and begged to suckle . To feel it inside but It felt like I needed to pull it all the way through me. I needed his drops we had many conversations about them and my mouth would water and He would seep when I begged Him. He began to train the slut in me more after a few months. The first phone call was amazing. That voice I had heard for months in my head sounded exactly the same. He waited until I was ready and I hearing His voice truly because a need. He would watch me and wait for me to say the words that would let him know I was ready. It is the way He allows me different things. He waits and watches me carefully . He knows if I need to go deeper or if I need something. He just allows the flow to happen.
10/31 today I do not feel the need to write . I am reflecting on my entire journey with Him but nothing is coming that I need to write about.
11/4 The first year..He started with typing to me , getting into my mind , learning me, building my trust. The way He spoke it pulled me towards him . He talked in ways I could see things and feel them and I felt him and I needed Him, His cock, His cum, His touch, His smell, He voice..I have talked to many over the years and He is not like any of them. Its not play, its not cyber, its not hypnotism, His skills are perfected , Somehow during all the conversations by mind connected all of it and the feelings was bound to him through mental bondage and my body reacted to him . My mind would remember even when he was not talking to me. certain words I would react. I would float. I would go to subspace. He started pushing by pulling back and making me need him more and more. At first I didn't understand. I expected it to be the way it had and I would log in and watch for him. He started keeping himself hidden. Most doms do not create need or teach a sub to ask or beg. He taught me to beg but it was in no way me topping from the bottom. It was like begging because if I didn't get his food I could not breathe . I would throw tantrums when He didn't talk to me or show that he was online. I remember many many tanturms and notes . I remember all his patience and that over time when I would stop the tantrum and surrenderHe would let me know that I did good or He would feed me . Hours and hours , months and days of that connecting with him, the trust, feeling Him there watching me , feeding me, talking about things I needed. Telling me all the things I would be allowed to do. There were a few rules for safety but he didn't really command me, there were a few things I did each day that were his preference but it really wasn't tasks like most girls get. He found things I liked or needed and He would push those and taunt me with His food his cock and things that I needed. There were many times that I did think I would never get some of the things he promised but over time. He never lied to me and He filled my needs. I would say Master this seems backwards why don't you just tell me what to do. over time I learned that really isn't submitted that isn't bringing me to the point that I surrender from the inside . He taught me to cum in ways I kept telling him that I could never do . It was small steps , I was vanilla when I started. Its still amazes me how patient he could be. He never opened me and harmed me . He never used anger or fear or force . around and around I went with Him. I know once at the end of the first year he went away for a month . This is when I started to lose some of what I had with him in the beginning the trust etc. I know that he had fed me the way he does and then he went away. I would message him and he would not respond I cant remember if he would read my messages. I know one message he sent to me was very harsh and it said I just fed you and more or less telling me not to message. Then a few weeks later he came back and then at some point I found out that a girl from his past had messaged him and I think he went and explored her and found out she needed something different and more vanilla than what he was so then he came back to train me .
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| Age: 28 |
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Bulgaria |
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