What this slave needs right now is to be bent over and spanked swiftly and hard like with a brush or strap until I am crying my eyes out.  

I desperately need to be controlled and taken and not allowed to think. 

Spent a lovely night with Daddy this weekend, oh how the body aches afterwards....but its good you know?  Knowing that the pain you are feeling is because you played and not because you were working or worse yet doing nothing at all.  

cow loves being with Daddy we are so different in so many ways, but when it comes to bedrock beliefs and the way we live our lives we are very very much the same.  

cow loves curling up next to him after a long night of play.  It can't imagine the joy others have when they do that on a nightly basis, that must be so wonderful.  

Ok follow up to cows last post.....feeling disconnected to its true self cow went to the restroom to do its daily enema in order to wear plugs.....well today cow got down on its hands and knees while the water went in.  Instead of doing the enema in a practical normal person way cow did it as if there was a Dominant there and its subjugation was for his pleasure.  Instantly cow felt that feeling of humiliation and lowliness....it was nice.  When cow was down there it notice some cleaning that had to be done so as soon as the enema was complete cow cleaned the bathroom floor as well.  

Nothing sexy and great to put in this journal because there is just nothing sexy and great happening.  Daddy has not had time for cow in several weeks and the vanilla obligations have gotten in the way.  cow has always believed that the only way one can be a slave or a Master 24/7 is to find a  way to blend M/s with vanilla.  Clearly the world is not ok with cow being taken naked on all fours on a leash for a walk.....if we did that cow's life would be destroyed.  The lives of its family members would also be destroyed.  But if You are a smart Master You can make sure your slave knows its lowly place no matter where You are.  

cow is looking forward to the day when it serves its Daddy full time and when we are in the store its clit tickles because it has to walk behind or doesn't wear panties or any number of things where the two of us clearly know that I am his cow and will be fucked and used in anyway he see's fit.  

Daddy has implemented some new anal training and that is nice for cow to have some training because right now it just doesn't feel like a slave.  cow needs to find ways to feel its place even when it is very busy doing other things.  Next weekend is another incredibly busy weekend and cow feels rather hopeless about the chance to see Daddy.  

Daddy is always saying "Enjoy life as it comes each and every day.  Don't take anything for granted, Don't ask for anything. Everything comes to those who are patient and wait." Let cow tell You that this is a very hard example to follow.  As a slave cow believes in worshiping its Master, for cow that means having strong feelings of affection.  Those strong emotions allow cow to lose itself in worship and obedience.  It's kinda hard to blend those two philosophies because  cows emotions of love and devotion create a need to be with him and that flies in the face of expect nothing.  cow can't wait for June when life will slow down a little and maybe it will get the chance to see its Daddy.  it needs so bad to serve on a more regular basis, to know its place and find a way to serve everyday while it is doing its "vanilla" life.  it just feels like it is losing the slave part of its life.  At the same time it doesn't want the slave part of its life to ruin the vanilla part......can't we have both?

Cow has a cat that thinks He is cows Master.  He is very demanding and territorial over cow.  Whenever a man calls cow (usually cow puts them on speaker phone) out of nowhere the cat shows up and plops down next to cow....talking to it over and over demanding that cow pay attention to Him.  He puts his paw on cow and kisses its hands while he competes with Human Man on the phone.  its pretty darn funny to watch.  After they hang up He sits there in control of his domain and his woman.

The last year has been horrible for me physically.  I was diagnosed with two pretty serious chronic disorders.  My weight has skyrocketed and my physical ability diminished.  

I have to be very careful how I manage my day so that I have the strength and energy to accomplish what needs to be done that day.  

For example if I am going to see Daddy I rest pretty much right up until I must get ready to serve him.  I also take pain medicine in order to be able to move my joints so that when he tells me to get into a position I can actually do it.  

Today I decided to do some research and try a new approach to my care.  I had been dieting and doing well until the steroids stopped me in my tracks.  Anyhow now that I am done with those it is back to diet and an exercise (albeit easy by most standards) everyday.  I really need to strengthen my muscles to relieve some of the strain on the joints.  Having a muscle disease and a joint disease at the same time is very tricky to manage.  The balancing act between the two and not being in horrific pain everyday is pretty hard to handle.  I only take half the pain meds prescribed to me because I want to show that I am not just a pain pill addict, but at the same time I could be doing more physically.

So I have decided that I will take the pain pills and I will exercise each day to the best of my ability.  Maybe if I can lose some weight and get some muscle strength back it will alleviate the some of the pain problems. 

During exercise I am just going to put the mind set that a Dom is standing there encouraging me to not disappoint him by quitting.  I am going to push through the pain as if it is a scene, I am going to use that power a sub summons during play in order to make my body better.  Eventually Daddy will benefit from a stronger slave who is slimmer and has more flexibility for his use.   

I have things to live for and I need to do as much as I can to fight these conditions instead of laying down and letting them destroy my body.

cow feels so sorry for the idiots who write to it wanting cow to serve them without ever reading its profile.  Cause they are no more than flies in the web and that spider is going to gobble them up.  cow was never a nature girl and its never much cared for spiders, but it sure is fun watching Daddy write back to these "Doms".   Everytime cow gets a new letter from someone who clearly didn't read its profile or read it and ignored it......cow squeals with delight...."ohhhh boy is this going to be good"....kinda can't wait to see how Daddy takes em down.  

lol

cow had a wonderful day, mainly because Daddy surprised it last night and when it did go to sleep it was with a smile on cows face.  

Does Your Master/Daddy ever do something that takes you by surprise?  And even though it is not sexual at all it totally turns You on?

cow found out something today and wow he suddenly got even hotter to cow :)  My Daddy is a big bad man and cow likes it that way. 

I don't know if any of you are looking for unique collars, but I thought I would share my favorite place. 

For the M/s couple that is going to last these collars are as beautiful as any wedding ring cow has ever seen. 

https://www.facebook.com/MockingbirdLaneCreations

Each collar is handcrafted and the designer (her name is Diana) does impeccable work.  I hope someone here finds exactly what they are looking for from her. 

OMG cow just had the best orgasm EVER!  The other night it went to the adult book store and picked up two new dildo's.  Both of the dildo's vibrate, one is a gel dildo and the other looks like a very large dildo. 

cow took some pictures for Daddy tonight with the toys in the proper holes.   After picture time was done cow started to play and the more it did the hotter it got.  it just couldn't satisfy the want in its cunt so it took the 7 1/2 inch dildo out of its ass and shoved both of them at once in its juicy cunt.  Then with both of them on full vibrate cow played with its clit and its nipples.  it was fantazising about the things Daddy does to it when all of the sudden the best orgasm shook cows body to its core. 

cow wants more....but alas the greedy cunt must go to sleep.

Hot, dirty and sweaty that is how to describe this cow.  Not because of great sex or hours worth of service and worship of my Daddy....nope its because cow did YARD WORK!

The garage is cleaned out, the back patio is ready for glorious spring mornings and warm cups of coffee.  

cow can't wait to get the privacy fencing up that way when Daddy takes me outside cow can do its business without the vanillas calling the popo on it :)  

The riding lawn mower needed a jump but that was easily taken care of and the yard got a quick go over. 

it felt amazing to accomplish all of that!!!!

In its last post it forgot to talk about something really important for us ladies.....Facial Hair.....yup its ugly but easily conquered.

cow uses Veet Hair removal wax strips http://www.walgreens.com/store/c/veet-ready-to-use-wax-strips-hair-remover-kit/ID=prod6058298-product?ext=gooPersonal_Care_PLA_Hair_Removal_Waxes_prod6058298_pla&adtype={adtype}&kpid=sku6053960&sst=6437137c-2e99-4112-b2ce-cb7949777d4a 

It is great for that chinny chin chin hair.  Shaving is a no no because before long you will end up with that manly stubble and 5 o'clock shadow that doesn't exactly scream femininity.  You have the chin hair and you know it but there is no reason for Him to know it.  The first couple of times it may hurt a tad, but just look at it as a scene or a quick smack on the ass.  The first couple of times you will have to remove the hair about every three days, but as you continue to do it the less the hair grows...so before you do it you have smooth chin, upper lip and less fuzz on the side of your face within weeks. 

Now lets talk eyebrows......shape them and its is super easy.  cow cheats big time on this one....there is no way it is going to sit there and pluck its eyebrows.  its ok with pain, but it is not stupid!!!!  So it cheats, it bought one of those mini hair trimmers with a tiny little head that shaves.  it uses that to shape and maintain its eyebrows so that they don't look like caterpillars on the top of its eyes.  Here is an example (not saying to get this one, just giving you an idea) http://www.ttnet.net/ttnet/gotoprd/PC305/011/0/05841303232323539383.htm

OK now in an earlier post cow mentioned painting your toenails.....some women have never had someone teach them the basics of grooming, so it thought it would mention this.  Shave the tops of your toes if they have bushes of hair on them.  All the nail polish in the world is not going to make you feel more feminine if you have a bush of hair next to it.  

Now why does it use Veet for its face but it shaves other places??? Simple it has t rex short arms and in order to get the leverage to pull the skin tight and then rip off the wax paper it would take two people.  it likes the warm bath water and soap getting into every crevice and then shaving it clean.  it likes feeling that soft soapy cunt when it is done and knowing that it would pass muster if inspected. 

it may not be the skinny bitch that it dreams of being, but it does have a lot of traits that make it pleasing to a man.

One of the things that cow has always cared very much about is its hygiene and its skin care.  As a fat cow it feels that at the very least it better make sure everything else is 100% fanfuckingtastic.  it also knows that when it has been told to play with others females in the past in cringes inside because it is scared to death of what it will find when it goes down under.  Come on hugirls, get it together....weight is not a factor when it comes to cleanliness.  

it never ever ever plays without making sure that all is finely cared for and that cow will be a pleasing playground for Daddy and those He chooses to let use his property.

1.  cow takes regular baths in very warm water (yes people say this causes yeast infections....not in cow) cow rinses off after each bath with a cooler water before leaving the bath.

2.  cow shaves its arm pits, cunt and legs EVERY SINGLE DAY...no skipping because that is what causes the ingrown pink bumpies.  Get a good razor and shave properly every day, it goes by fast if you keep up with it. 

3.  Scrub that skin and really exfoliate it so that when you climb out of the tub you can put lotion on it immediately before drying off and lock in the moisture.  Men like soft skin.  

4.  Paint your finger and toe nails.  Don't bite them or let them get all chippy....a slick hot polish is just a nice boost of confidence!

5.  Drink fluids and make sure that you don't smell sour due to dehydration, it makes a difference with the smell down there.

6.  Don't let your hair get ugly roots, wash it frequently and style it.  This is simple, love yourself so that you can show your Master that you are worthy of his ownership.  you will feel good about yourself even if you are carrying extra pounds.

7.  Attempt some exercise each day even if you are medically challenged.  This helps your will power and it helps your endurance when you are being used by your owner.  Say to yourself "I can do 50 of these"  and when you are getting spanked say the same thing, hehehe.  Seriously, when cow is doing its enema and it thinks that it can't take the water....it just pretends that its owner is standing there telling it that it has to do it....that works with some exercise as well.  Its not asking you to lose 50 lbs, its just saying that small amounts give you another boost in confidence.

8.  Dry you intimate areas very well after showers and baths, don't let moisture get trapped and grow bacteria. 

9.  Put as much effort into yourself as you want your owner to.....why should he care more than you do?????

It has always received compliments on its skin and appearance.  it knows that those compliments help it shake off the self loathing about its weight that it has.  it wishes it loved its body at the weight it has, but the simple truth is that it doesn't and it will never stop wanting to change.  At the very least it can keep itself maintained and clean and at the very best it can exercise and hopefully lose a few pounds at a time.  it does know that weight is subjective some men love it, some do not.....it has yet to find a man who loves a stinky hairy cunt. 

Can't sleep, Lord knows it has tried, guess it will start work very early today.

wow somebody is using a profile picture of me as their profile picture.   People really!

Daddy is teaching cow to be a true cock worshiping whore.  Last night cow became a movie theater slut.  Not quite sure the exact number of cocks it served, but it knows it made Daddy proud and that is all that really matters. 

As long as He is in charge of it, it knows it will be safe.  its only concern is to obey Him and make Him smile. 

cow is sorry that its audio journal story is delayed a few days.  it has a massive ear infection and besides the pain of wearing the headphones, nobody would enjoy listening to this voice when its sick.

it will tell the story when it gets better.

Cow finally gets to go to sleep. It has been a very very long day and cow had a million things to do. In the midst of it all cow made time for the important people in its life. Tomorrow will be a big day in the life of cows family and friends. It will be hosting a reception for 200 people and doing all the cooking itself. It just got out of the nicest shower. As it let the water roll over its body it also let the tears fall from its eyes. Not sad tears...just the kind of tears that allow cow to let go of its worries and hand its fears off to God. It hopes someday it will be worthy of a love that encompasses all parts of its life and that it will not be alone when it crawls into bed on a night before something wonderful. On a different note it is beginning to heal from this weekends use. The welts on its ass have turned into plate sized light bruises. Its cunt is still severely bruised and will probably take several more days to heal. Ok it has to get s few hours of sleep in...it still has to work in the am and there is a ton of cooking to do yet....goodnight all

So cow was used and used good last night.  Today it can barely move.  We played for 5 hours straight, it is shocking that cows jaw and throat are not sore because it worshiped cock for a long time last night.

it was spanked and it deserved the spanking.  it was told to do a certain thing by a certain time and missed the deadline by 191 minutes, so it got 191 hard smacks with the wooden brush over its bottom.  Today it looks like cow has red butt implants because it has 2 plate sized welts, one on each cheek. 

cow drank out of its doggy bowl, was taken outside to go potty, and crawled everywhere last night. 

it was used hard in every way.  it was fisted and he almost got his entire hand in, but today its cunt is so bruised.  He fucks its ass so good but last night besides fucking its ass He also laid it down on the bed and began to fucks its ass with fingers, first 1, then 2 then 3 then 4....then cow began to squirt.  Now cow normally squirts just a tiny bit, just a tiny bit.  Last night it squirted a lot (at least for cow)...it had a towel underneath it and soaked through it and into the comforter below.  it was such a cool feeling when its body let go and started to squirt. 

cow worshiped His body with all it had in it and today it is paying for it.  it was a good night.  Tomorrow cow has to sit in a car for 3 hours and its sore bottom is going to have a hard time with that. 

There are changes happening in cows life.  it will tell You all about them soon.

it was vacuuming the house today, totally naked of course and it wondered to itself....how many slaves who are not owned still live with the training?  cow is naked all the time...at the most it has a robe on but it is always open.  There is a certain peace knowing what it is and just living that way even without a Master in its life. 

On another note, it quit smoking in May of last year, just a second ago it saw someone smoking on TV and desperately wanted a cigarette.  its amazing how that urge hits you all at once. 

its life is very busy these days and that is good, not searching has been a good break.  Once in awhile cow just has to step away from the search for a Master to gain some perspective and peace of mind. 

cow went to the store to do a favor for a friend.  it shopped for them, but then it took a spin in the lingerie department and picked up to lace see through nighties that come just to the bottom of its bottom.  it thought it needed to beef up the sexy clothes department...although it is not sure why, its naked almost all of the time. 

it has been working on losing weight, it just can't stand to look at itself right now, not that it ever thought it looked good....but now it knows for sure that it is just too damn fat and is desperately trying to change that. 

it remembers back when it was in the military, it weighed 125 lbs and thought it was fat then....what it wouldn't give to have that body again.  it knows that even with that body cow would sit there and pick on the imperfections instead of feeling glorious for the small body.  125lbs looks might good on this cow......except when cow is looking in a mirror. 

So it is drinking plenty of water and eating very small portions.  Tonight it had made all the fixing of burritos except with shredded pork.  Instead of making a big tortilla filled with goodies, cow took black beans, corn, pork, refried bean (small amount) and avocado and put it on a plate.....no sour cream, no cheese.  Then it put the plate down on the ground and ate off it.  Some of the people it knows demand this of it when they are around, today it was wearing a red slutty nightie and eating dinner on all fours like a dog....the cat kept trying to steal its food. 

People rarely get news as good as cow got late last evening.  So excited for what is to happen tomorrow and for the immediate future, things are looking pretty awesome from here.

Just got home, went out and bought a laptop and tablet tonight.   Plan on spending this wonderful night in my bed playing with my new puters....watching movies and just totally indulging in cow

Now just to get these new pc's online.

cow just got an email from some "Dom" that read :  Kelly you broke my heart

problem....cows name is not Kelly

Happy Valentines Day Everyone!                      For those of you who have someone special on this day, cherish it and top the day off with a fantastic orgasm.                                        

For those of you who don't have someone special, remember its just a day and it will be gone with the next sunrise.  Don't let a day that comes and goes like any other take you out of a happy place.                                  

Think of it this way, tomorrow is a new day and you are alive...which means a new day to meet that someone special, a new day to feel the thrill of lust when you see that body paired up with the mind that makes you want to kiss for hours on end.  A new day to find someone who likes to be beat just the way you like to give it out.                              

Bottom LINE make today about loving yourself just as much as you love others. 

OK so cow can't do the audio journals it promised for a couple of days now.  it had an unplanned medical procedure that is going to put it on ice for a bit.  Right now all it can manage is to endure the searing pain for the next couple of days.  

Sexy is the last thing it can manage today :).....its kinda a good thing, it knows that anyone who spends time with it in the next couple of weeks wants more than its body.  

it will do audio recordings in 3 days or so, but not before ..... and no cow doesn't want to explain what procedure it had done.  

cow just wants to thank all the people who are listening to its audio journals and enjoying them.  it is fairly new to erotic reading so it knows that it is not very good at it.  Anyhow in the next day or so it is going to begin to tell a story cow is writing....well hopefully, if it has the guts to do so.

it really has had cow cumming over and over reading all these stories a day, guess if it can't have the real thing it might as well cum as often as possible.  :)  

There is no doubt that cow needs a Daddy, a strict one like the 1950's.  One who will put it over his knee without any conversation and after its been spanked and stood in the corner is when He will ask it if it knows why it was spanked?  Oh heck, cow needs a lot more spankings, the idea makes its cunt tingle but also its the knowledge that someone has the power over it to spank it when and where he wants and there doesn't have to be any rhyme or reason to it.  

If cow wants to stay up have the night playing games and He says no...then its no and a good spanking to remind it that He is in charge.  its pretty sure that if it had a Daddy tonight it would have been in big trouble...instead it does what it wants knowing that it would rather have somebody who cared how it behaved.  

it really tries to just be it, but that doesn't seem to be good.  cow is funny, sarcastic, smart, opinionated, loyal, passionate, strong, obedient and a lot of other things.   it seems that the men it meets want a docile little bunny.....cow couldn't be that no matter how hard it tries.  it has been responsible for so much from the time it was a small child, it carried the family and does to this day.  it can't  pretend to be demur 24/7.  it can be demur when obeying, it can be taught more humility, but if essentially You don't like who it is then there is nothing cow can do to please You. 

cow so enjoys hitting the block sender button when some subby guy sends it a disgusting email asking it to do horrible things to him.  Gross = BLOCK

Not to mention they clearly can't read.... Ignorant = BLOCK

Good Morning everyone.  cow read a super hot and super long story on literotica last night, it took several hours to read it.  The good news is it came 4 times while reading that story alone.  

it has started work on this very cold morning and will also be shopping for a new laptop/tablet today....not sure what to get at this point.  cow doesn't have to rush into this it has time to really shop for the best thing and not rush it.  

Good Morning everyone!  cow has a long day of work ahead, but its work that cow loves so that is the bright side.  it just wanted to stop by and wish you all a lovely day.

Wow its acting like a nympho the last couple of days.   it has read so many erotic stories and cum over and over and over to the point that its poor little clit is so sore now.  

 Until it gets the spankings it needs, until it is owned by the right master this cow knows how to tend to the smoldering fire that is burning deep inside.  

 Tonight it cleaned out its messenger list.......delete, nope don't talk to Him....delete, nope don't talk to Him....delete, nope He is an idiot.....delete, nope....this guy only talks to cow when He is horny...delete

 Ok cow has to go find another story, or think about a fantasy of its own!   

ps cow loves Bruce Willis....just sayin

If it snows this heavy every hour for the next 8 hours, we are in some deep do do.

Another wonderful day doing a job cow loves....hope You all enjoy the massive snow that is falling.  cow gets to remain naked in its home doing its job.  

Time to make one of cows favorite sandwiches......Grilled bread with Spinach, Avocado, Bacon, Egg and cheese.  Make sure the egg yolk is still a bit runny but not to much 

OMG honestly it just can't take this anymore....in the last week and half one Dom said he was from Toledo, turns out he lives in Florida.  Another wanted to own it after two days of talking to it, wanted to rename it, punish it and wanted to control who it spoke to and if it came without ever meeting face to face (he lives about 4 miles away).  it just got off the phone with a Dom who was higher than a kite and told cow that he was high pretty much all of the time.......CALGON TAKE COW AWAY FROM THESE IDIOTS

it feels so relieved getting all that tax stuff done and the college forms.  Now it is going to settle in with some Netflix.  cow loves to color to relax and tonight it is not going to spend time doing anything but what relaxes it.  There is nobody to serve, nobody to obey.....so now its time to let all thinking cease and just veg

cow is done working and next has to file the taxes and then work on some college forms for its offspring.  it needs a glass of wine.

cow gets a lot of "I'm sorry for your pain" emails and it can see why with its journals.  it appreciates people's kindness and wants to say thank you.  

From now on lets not look at cows journals (even if they are about its former Master) as mourning and pain.  Instead look at them as a celebration of what we had.  The mere fact that instead of cursing Him cow writes tenderly about missing Him or things we had, is a good thing.  Maybe its a reflection on His good character, maybe its a reflection on cows loyalty, maybe is a reflection on the love that was cascading between us during our years together.   

cow is going to continue to write about the things it loved, what it misses and things of that nature.  Instead of seeing it as cow dwelling on the past, look at it as a road map to getting to know cow.  it gets so many emails saying "Tell me about cow".  Well if You read its journals You will learn so much about who it is. 

One of the things it loved about its former Master was when He would help it with some technical or online issue.  He was always teaching it one thing or another.  cow loved it because it was our "vanilla" thing, it also loved it because He was teaching it, He was in charge and cow looked up to Him so much in those moments.  The two of us working on something and Him leading cow.  it imagines someday being in a relationship where its new Master and cow are working on a outdoor project or home DIY project.  it hopes that we will work together well and cow will obey and be of useful assistance to its Master.  it enjoys that feeling of looking up to and learning from a man. it has to be in charge of so many things...and when Master was teaching it, cow got to sink into that "small space". 

Another thing is that we had abundant love in our relationship.  cow read our correspondence and the non stop confessions of adoration and love between us was amazing.  So many Masters wants slaves, but they don't want love.  cow cannot imagine having a Master that it didn't worship.  it doesn't understand a Master wanting a piece of property and treating it with disdain.  Just because You love a slave doesn't mean You don't beat it or humiliate it to the lowest degree.  A slave is happy in those places and when You say You love it while it eats off the floor or is taken outside to piss...that means You love it when it normally would be reviled by the world.  What greater love is that?   

it cannot and doesn't wish to make its former Master love it again.  it can only come naturally and for those of You who wonder....no cow doesn't write these journals for His benefit...he doesn't and never did read them.  it writes so often to stay in touch with itself.  if it didn't write and process these thoughts it would be consumed with work, raising its family, paying the bills, running a house and pretty soon it would be miserable because it wouldn't be in a slave/submissive mindset.  

OK cow has to work today...and it didn't sleep a wink last night.

In 9 years cow has had 2 Masters.  When its first Master released it, it was so informal...he just drifted away.  cow was angry and felt so betrayed so it was acting very badly.  it would go into the AV Chat room and play in all kinds of ways.  it would have rooms full of Doms oogling at it as it fucked its holes or did breast bondage.  They would tell it what to do and cow would tell them where they could go.  Until Master showed up and for reasons it will never understand out of all the Doms saying virtually the same thing, cow obeyed Him.  Anyhow 2.8 years have now passed and it is released again.  Fun stuff, but this time it is not acting out.  When it receives email it answers it politely and does its very best to stay in its place even if it knows it will never belong to the person it is corresponding with.  Tonight this song just flooded into its mind as it thought about how different cow is today as opposed to when He first found it.  

 Verse 1

He changed me in so many ways
Lead me out of the darkest haze
I was acting out like a little child
He found me lashing out being wild
Then he ordered my days
Chorus:
And he changed me for the better
He changed me forever
What I wouldn’t give to be allowed
To kiss his hands, his feet, his mouth
Because he changed me for the better
Verse 2
Im alone again but its different now
Not lashing out or misbehaving
Im alone again but at peace somehow
Because he taught me where I belong
And he left with me this song
Chorus
He changed me for the better
He changed me forever
What I wouldn’t give to be allowed
To kiss his feet, his hands his mouth
Because He changed me for the better
BRIDGE: And I’ll be strong, I’ll carry on
Walk with grace, kneel with praise
Know my place and live by faith
That it will get better soon

Chorus
He changed me for the better
He changed me forever
What I wouldn’t give to be allowed
To kiss his feet, his hands his mouth
Because He changed me for the better

copyright @2014

Woke up in the morning feeling great, worked and made big sale, but by the time work was over it was feeling the beginnings of a cold coming on.  

By the time 4 pm came cow was sneezing every other second and now it is sitting here with watery eyes, a red nose and used tissues surrounding it.  oh OHIO aren't we having fun now.

Ok on to other things....there is a young Master in our area who keeps wondering why subs don't like him.  Here is a clue, you are never going to get anywhere because of your teeth.  People can make fun of other people with dentures all they want, but at least the denture was smart enough to take the rotting teeth out.  This young Dom doesn't have a single healthy tooth in his mouth.  cow has no idea what kind of Dom he is, but it has a good idea....if You can't take care of Your own mouth how on God's green earth do You expect to own another person and for them to respect you?????

"Let Her Go"  - Passenger

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You to the many Masters, slaves, and subs who have written it to ignore the idiots and to stay true to what it is.  Your expressions of kindness are very well appreciated.   

cow

Its former Master released it on January 2nd since then it has been told at least 6 times that it is a total fake and a loser by "Masters" who want it to submit to them totally.  It is not good enough that cow is respectful and obedient, they want total submission in the first conversation.  

 Yesterday it had the pleasure of getting an email from MasterTrue on collarme.  He had several conversations on yahoo with it where he was incredibly demanding.  When cow explained that it would never be His slave because He lived on the other side of the country He became angry.  He said cow had no right to say that, he demanded that cow take it back.  He demanded that cow talk to Him while it was working, demanded it be on at a certain time.  He was rude and not once did anything but act like a child throwing a tantrum.  Tonight when He came on He said hello cow immediately followed by a buzz, cow didn't have the time to finish writing "hello Master" (he demanded it address Him as Master and cow has no issue with that).....cow said "geez it was answering You"

He asked if cow was mad, it said "it finds You to be a bit of a bully" and then came the usual "You are a fake, you will live Your life alone, You are a loser".  

Seriously, if You contact a sub or slave and they say...."its sorry Master but it is not interested in long distance online relationships"...why is it necessary to call them a fake? Why can't they just be a grown up about it and say, "sorry You feel that way" and move on?  

 cow is not opposed to having conversations with people, it is not opposed to showing respect while it does that. it is not opposed to learning from other Masters and doing its very best to stay in its place. it doesn't think being a slave means You have to the first online Master who demands You belong to it.  

 This is fucking torture....apparently it is the worst slave that ever walked the face of the earth.  its previous owner said that it seemed like it was walking on eggshells, it was because it was so afraid to do something wrong and lose Him.  He had been upset with it early in the year and released it, we were trying to make it work when He decided on January 2nd that it would work.  cow is walking on eggshells and it is so very tired of being yelled at by Masters who don't know it or care about it.  The other day it said something in a conversation with a Master who is a friend and He too got very angry with it.  So here it is....FAIR WARNING TO EVERY ONE WHO EVER WRITES TO IT.....COW IS A LOUSY SLAVE, A FAKE,AND A LOSER WHO WILL SPEND ITS TIME ALONE.

 it really has met a lot of wonderful people on CM, but man it is taking a beating lately, its a wonder it has any self esteem left.  BUT IT DOES!!!!!  :)

"Chasing Cars"
We'll do it all

LET IT GO (from Frozen) 

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight,
not a footprint to be seen.
A kingdom of isolation and it looks like I'm the queen.
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside.
Couldn't keep it in, Heaven knows I tried.
Don't let them in, don't let them see.
Be the good girl you always have to be.
Conceal don't feel, don't let them know.
Well, now they know! 

Let it go, let it go!
Can't hold it back anymore.
Let it go, let it go!
Turn away and slam that door.
I don't care what they're going to say.
Let the storm rage on.
The cold never bothered me anyway.

 It's funny how some distance,

makes everything seem small.
And the fears that once controlled me, can't get to me at all
It's time to see what I can do,
to test the limits and break through.
No right, no wrong, no rules for me.
I am free!

Let it go, let it go.
I am one with the wind and sky.
Let it go, let it go.
You'll never see me cry.
Here I stand, and here I'll stay.
Let the storm rage on.

My power flurries through the air into the ground.
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I'm never going back; the past is in the past!

Let it go, let it go.
And I'll rise like the break of dawn.

Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Here I stand, in the light of day.

Let the storm rage on!
The cold never bothered me anyway

its tried tomake several audio journals but it is not sure they are working

cow made it's famous mozzarella spaghetti bake tonight.  Fuck -15 F, it has blankets, stove, candles and alcohol.  it won't be cold no matter what!!!!  

Not complaining, we have had a ton of easy winters lately....sooner or later you gotta pay the piper.

It is probably time cow closes this account.  It was made for it because it belonged to DarksideofRoom, but it doesn't belong to him now.  

it needs to decide if it should make a new profile or just delete and not come back for awhile. 

So nuaseated tonight, going to try to sleep tonight....saw this on a profile.

"A mediocre Master tells, a good Master teaches, an excellent Master explains, but a True Master Inspires" --- Anonymous

Boy that Anonymous dude sure is prolific.  

cow has taken to saying the word flibbertigibbet when describing ditsy girls lately.  If it told You what was going on its life right now its pretty darn sure You would call it a flibbertigibbet.  

Here is the thing, its going to trust what is happening, (not tell You the reader) and see where it leads cow.  Who cares if it is a flibbertigibbet to the outside world....the only thing that really matters is what happen behind closed doors.  

cows were not meant to make these kind of decisions, they were not meant to be free, deciding this thing and that.  This is not something a free thinking person would do....then cow remember what it is.  

closing its eyes and leaping

Does anyone know anything about the Dragon software (speech recognition).  it wants to buy the software to aid in writing a book, but it has no idea which version to buy.

it used to have a Master who would guide it in decisions about these types of things...now it is on its own.  If anyone knows which version would be best for cow to purchase for its needs please feel free to drop it a line.

its previous journal entry said it was going to take a break, thing is it likes to write these journals so it doesn't want to leave the site.  So it has decided to stay, but just not to look for a Master.  

Last night a local Dom who has used it many times in the past used it again and brought a friend a long for the ride.  it had 8 hours of play on and off, every hole used multiple times, its ass is still bruised and every muscle in its body is sore.  

cow is in the process of starting two small businesses and a part time job.

Someone taught cow to love its imperfectness 

To revel in its lowliness 

To feel beautiful eating off the floor and have its face covered in it 

To feel worthy/lucky even while on its knees drinking His piss 

To feel loved when it was at its most depraved and lowest 

Someone accepted it as an animal, on the ground, naked, chain around its neck 

Someone showed cow what it really was and taught it that cow was meant to be this 

Someone allowed cow to follow, to obey, to submit 

In those acts it has never felt more beautiful, stripped of rights, stripped of clothing but radiating with every heave of its udders.  Enslaved, but never more free! 

Thank You

its hair has static cling.....time to go out and brave the cold weather....have a good day

Get up, pour the coffee, put on the make up, do your hair, find a cute dress.....its a new day and cow is ready to start it.

cow has 2 cats and one of them farts and snores.  its almost like having a man in its bed.

Borrowed from others

Twas battered and scarred, and the auctioneer
thought it scarcely worth his while to waste much time on the old violin,
but held it up with a smile; "What am I bidden, good folks," he cried,
"Who'll start the bidding for me?" "A dollar, a dollar"; then two!" "Only
two? Two dollars, and who'll make it three? Three dollars, once; three
dollars twice; going for three.." But no, from the room, far back, a
gray-haired man came forward and picked up the bow; Then, wiping the dust
from the old violin, and tightening the loose strings, he played a melody
pure and sweet as caroling angel sings.

The music ceased, and the auctioneer, with a voice that was quiet and low,
said; "What am I bid for the old violin?" And he held it up with the bow.
A thousand dollars, and who'll make it two? Two thousand! And who'll make
it three? Three thousand, once, three thousand, twice, and going and
gone," said he. The people cheered, but some of them cried, "We do not
quite understnad what changed its worth." Swift came the reply: "The touch
of a master's hand."

And many a man with life out of tune, and battered and scarred with sin,
Is auctioned cheap to the thoughtless crowd, much like the old violin, A
"mess of pottage," a glass of wine; a game - and he travels on. "He is
going" once, and "going twice, He's going and almost gone." But the Master
comes, and the foolish crowd never can quite understand the worth of a soul
and the change that's wrought by the touch of the Master's hand.

In all of this there is comfort in the small things.  A big Chicken and Dumpling dinner than family can gather around, receive nourishment, share their stories and laugh.  It is something cow can do to help itself and others.

When it thinks about a Master it knows that few men will fit the bill.  it needs someone who is invested in this as a life, but who is also educated, tolerant and loving.  One who doesn't hate religion and looks down his nose at those who participate in it.  A man who values family and a slave who strives to take care of them as well as serve Him.  it needs a Master who will punish it, humble it and give it a safe place to be small, but will also listen to its feelings about issues of the day.  it certainly has no desire to be with a kinkster or someone who is only interested in play.  it already has two playmates it doesn't need more.  it needs someone who will care about it, want to be there to train it and keep it as it was meant to be kept.  Not in luxury or needing material things, but needing leadership and discipline combined with love and longevity.

it will be the lowliest cow for a Master who will be a leader who is committed to training and keeping His property.

In this very moment it needs nothing more than to be spanked very very hard (even though it doesn't get off on pain) and put in a corner where it can reflect on its attitude and settle down and focus on its purpose.  Then call it over to Him and speak to it as he pets its head and focus it more on the proper behavior, attitude it should have.....it knows that is what it needs....it knows it is flailing but it knows nobody is there.

it is a raw nerve.

it's probably not the best person to try to get to know right now.

it's most likely not ready to meet anyone anytime soon. 

it kinda feels like what one would expect an animal who is backed into a corner feels and it probably lashes out like one even though it doesn't see it that way.

its scared

it needs to be calmed and put in a safe place not agitated 

it will try its very best to be polite to those who talk to it, but if You enjoy getting someone riled up please pass over this cow.  its heart is broken and it really could just use healing and positivity. 

it can't manage another long distance mostly internet relationship.  If your culture is such that a white woman with almost adult children would be unacceptable to those in Your life, please to don't engage me in conversation.  Please do not ask me to take a leap of faith and trust you, give you six months...a year or even two.  If no matter what cow does in the end Your parents will be picking Your mate....don't tell it You can Master anything.  

If you cannot Master Your own life, please don't tell cow that You can own it.  

it is a raw nerve and just once in its life it would like someone to soothe the pain.

"I fall, but I always rise. I screw up, but I look for the lesson. I've been hurt, but I'm still here. I'm a person who is far from perfect, but I'm always always thankful. Because I've learned to recognize the beauty in the struggle... in the journey." Jim Willett                 

                 Isn't it rich?
                 Are we a pair?
                 Me here at last on the ground,
                 You in mid-air.
                 Send in the clowns.
                                      Isn't it bliss?
                                      Don't you approve?
                                      One who keeps tearing around,
                                      One who can't move.
                                      Where are the clowns?
                                      Send in the clowns.
                 Just when I'd stopped opening doors,
                 Finally knowing the one that I wanted was yours,
                 Making my entrance again with my usual flair,
                 Sure of my lines,
                 No one is there.
                                    Don't you love farce?
                                    My fault I fear.
                                    I thought that you'd want what I want.
                                    Sorry, my dear.
                                    But where are the clowns?
                                    Quick, send in the clowns.
                                    Don't bother, they're here.
                 Isn't it rich?
                 Isn't it queer,
                 Losing my timing this late
                 In my career?
                 And where are the clowns?

                 There ought to be clowns

                 Well maybe next year.

What is the difference between a cow full of spirit and hope and cow just going through the motions with a pasted smile on?  The presence or lack there of ...... of HIM.  

Never understanding

 Never being good enough

Never loved

Always strong

Always pushing through the emptiness

Always trying to start anew

What is the difference between a cow full of spirit and hope and cow just going through the motions with a pasted smile on?  The presence or lack there of ...... of HIM. 

cow had a wonderful time with Master.  He didn't recollar it YET, He says we are working on it.  cow would do anything to be owned by Him again, it loves Him so much.  He punished it this weekend for the things that made him uncollar it and says that it is over and done with.  Seriously though, cow will hate itself forever, it realizes just how bad it was and now it pays the price everyday when it wakes up unowned. 

Back to the positive stuff, oh my it enjoyed our time together.  we wanted to do more physical beatings, but Master was concerned with noise levels in the hotel.  He did beat it several times, but not to the level He wanted. 

When it came home it served another and then it realized just how low its pain tolerance had dropped.  it makes it feel like a bad slave when it can't take high volumes of pain.  it really felt stupid when it was hard to take what He was dishing out.  cow does have to say that He hits much harder than anyone it has been with in the last several years.

The amount of play cow has had is quite low when You think about it.  Master did not allow cow to play with others when it was collared so the only physical interaction it got were His trips to the US that only happen a couple times a year and last only 2 days.  After Master released it, it played with a couple of guys, only one of which was interested in beating.  That beating was lightweight...so it is so out of practice. 

it just needs to do better.  

Master and cow went out to dinner and the sushi was delicious, the hotel staff was very curious about us.  One reason is that cow wore skirts, dresses and heals everywhere.  This was a blue collar area and cow doesn't thing a womans legs have been seen there since summer.  They had Master pegged as a doctor and wanted to know what his name meant.  it was funny how they quizzed cow at the front desk when it needed something.  cow had brought our entire arsenal of toys and had them displayed everywhere in the room....we put the do not disturb sign on because we didn't want the maid to freak out when she came in the room.  Master didn't want to be arrested either, lol.  it was so wonderful to lie next to him at night, but it worries about his breathing.  He really needs to see a sleep apnea doctor.  He stops breathing so much in his sleep, cow even recorded His sleep so He could hear some of it for himself.  cow loved serving Him, ironing His clothes, dressing Him, packing for Him, showering Him, worshiping at His feet and kissing them.  

When He finished punishing it, cow was standing with it hands behind its head, it was sobbing, tears streaming down its face...snot in its nose and Master told it to thank Him properly for punishing it.  cow kissed His feet so grateful for His punishment and the way He does care about it.  it tears helped to wash his shoes off and it would have stayed there for hours had he let it.  

ok done rambling in the middle of the night

cow is so excited only a few more days before it is kneeling again in front of its former Master.  it still loves Him and jumps at the chance to worship and serve Him the way He deserves to be worshipped. 

cow will be in Cleveland this coming Thursday & Friday with its former Master.  He is flying in from India and we are meeting there.  Master would like to know if there are any bdsm clubs we can go to while there and what adult bookstores or movie theaters there are.  

and information would be appreciated.

it loves being a slave, it knows that its place is to serve.  The last month or so has been very difficult for cow.  Life has come crashing down on it in every way.  its health has failed, its finances and security have taken a big hit.  

Through it all there have been times when cow has cried, when it has doubted its ability to handle what is coming next.  

Maybe as a Birthday gift from God or a well off inner strength late this evening it has felt a surge of optimism and strength.  It knows that it has survived these issues before, it rose above, it fought back and it succeeded.  cow will succeed again. 

There will be times when it will wish it had a Master to lean on, a guide who will make the decisions no slave should be making...but it was trained well and its not stupid so it will be ok.

Honestly, it doesn't want to serve any other Master, BUT it is open to play and service without the ownership aspect. 

Today is cow's birthday!!!! 

Well a very smart young lady in cow's life pointed out to cow that the person who impersonated Master is someone cow knows.  Just a reminder this person made a yahoo messenger profile that said darksideoftheroom (well that is cow's former Master's profile name).  They then sent an IM to cow on yahoo pretending to be HIM and started to order it around and when cow questioned their authenticity they then tried to fool it into believing it was throwing away its only chance to get back with Master because cow wouldn't blindly obey them.  

cow's yahoo messenger name is nothing close to what its collarme name is so that means whoever did this has to already know her and be on its messenger friends list.  

cow has only been owned twice in the last 9 years and it is still very close to both of those former Masters.  After speaking with them both we all agree'd that the old man who has been stalking it for sometime now and gets randomly pissed off at it for no apparent reason is the person who has done this.  He is an old fart from cow's area and passes himself off as this great Dom.  cow played with Him twice and decided that it no longer wanted to play with Him.  He got angry with it about 2 weeks later over it asking Him to please not call it pig and stopped speaking with it.  Now He is making fake profiles to pretend to be its master hoping it would obey Him blindly and get naked on camera for Him.  

How pathetic of a man do you have to be when the only way you can get a slave to serve you is manipulate, lie and pretend to be the former Master she still dearly loves.. 

So last night some jerk thought it would be funny to play games with cow on yahoo.  Out of nowhere a conversation popped up with cow's former Masters name on it.  He asked it how it was doing, but in a way Master would never do.  (btw Master and cow are still talking everyday and we know each other inside and out).  So this person thinking it could fool cow, demanded it show itself to Him.  cow said "sure, lets go to our regular place".  It did this because it was fairly certain this was not the Master it knows and loves and was suspicious of this person.  It was late at night and at this point cow had not noticed that this was not Masters real screen name but one that was a close duplicate.   Anyhow this fake Master then demanded cow obey and show itself or it would lose him again.  He stated something like cow had just gotten to speak to him again and was risking losing him if it didn't show itself immediately. 

Well this poor fool doesn't know that cow knows Masters speech patterns so well that within two or three sentences it was highly aware that this was not the Master it knows and loves.  Not only that Master and cow talk almost daily ....so his bluff about losing Master again didn't make sense. 

Anyhow it thought it was really cruel of someone to play the imposter and fake being its former Master.  Trying to prey on a weak slave who is in mourning over the loss of her Master....sick.  Luckily for cow, its smart and strong.  it knows exactly where it stands with its former Master and He would never behave the way this scum did. 

it wonders when this will get easier, when I won't think of Him in every moment.  When will a song or a computer or a random thought stop bringing me right back to Him.  it wonders if He thinks the same and then it cries.  Playing James Blunt "Goodbye my lover" ...doesn't help. 

Things cow is doing well.....it has lost 10 lbs.  it quit smoking a couple of months ago and knew if it applied the same will power to losing weight it could.  10 lbs in one week and it has decided to lose 70 more, maybe only 60....cow will wait and see.  it is eating only fruits and vegetables, nothing else right now except for one boiled egg a day for the protein.  it drinks water and coffee, no butters, no salt, nothing. 

I wish I could stop crying.  Every 30 minutes I think bout something that reminds me of him and the sudden feeling of massive loss overwhelms me.  He was my future, my life and in one conversation the future I thought we shared ended. 

I just feel such overwhelming pain and emptiness.

I packed up all of my implements that Master used to beat me.  I am not sure what I am going to do with them, but my experience is that I have had two Masters that I gave myself to fully.  They both said we would have a life together and I was patent while waiting for that to happen over a period of years.  In both cases, after a number of years, when I a sked for the next step (not marriage btw) just acknowledgment, in both cases that's when they could no longer be my Master.  The both said they were releasing me to do the right thing by me, but in reality they were releasing me because they were not willing to go that next step.  They would have been more than willing to continue the way we were if I said nothing so don't tell me you had my best interest in mind. 

Ah hell, I don't know why I am rambling, the effect of this is that I just can't put myself through all this again.  I can't believe there is a Master who really wants it all.  I believe that that my Master (who in my mind will always be my Master) was the closet to perfect I was going to find, but he couldn't tell his family because of cultural differences which means I could never be a part of his life until he moved to the states. 

I was more than willing to wait for years, I just needed one concrete not internet connection to him, a friend something....he couldn't do it .  My heart is forever broken that I will never see my Master again. 

Anyhow I have four floggers that have never been used that I didn't pack away.  I only boxed up the ones Master and I used.  I want to sell these floggers for $20.00.  They are made of vinyl catheters falls, really super duper stingy.  I will post pictures, if you are interested in buying one of the floggers please email me. 

I was released tonight. 

cow loves it when it see's videos of slave serving their Master orally with their hands behind their backs.  

When it see's a slave taking a cock in its hands, it see it as the slave controlling the cock and somewhere in its core that just feels like the slave has power at that moment over its Master.  it knows that some Masters enjoy the feeling of hands on their cocks...its not dismissing a Master's personal preference.

But when it thinks of a slut slave sucking cock it just thinks it is so much more sexy to see its head bob, mouth open seeking to recaptured the cock she was worshiping in its mouth.  The slaves hands behind its back in submission, its mouth open and a true desire to serve...that's the image that this cow thinks of when it thinks of serving cock. 

it sure does miss asking Master for permission to enter into the room He is, it misses kneeling at His feet ..... ah who we kidding this cow just misses its Master something fierce and nothing is going to take that away until He is here again.

it wishes it would get warm so being naked wasn't so hard, its been a long enough winter.

Master gave it permission to play on cam tonight but it went  to the AV Chat room but it was full of Dommes and male subs.  No offense but it would rather play for Master's. 

it had fun the other night when master gave it permission to go into the AV chatroom on cm and play.  it was the first time in two years.  cow was a true slut for the enjoyment of others.  It used large toys to dp itself and it pumped its breast and it came several times.

Although cow much prefers the intimacy of one on one submission that lowers it and allows it to completely give up control, in some sense it was submissive to those superior men who were telling it to do this and that in the chat room.

it told Master that there was a guy in there named slaveboy4u and it felt that it shouldn't have to listen to a slave and Master told it that cow is lower than all others and when it is playing in front of others it must obey them all.  it has no right to say no or to disregard what someone tells it to do.

it hasn't posted in awhile, Master's visit was amazing and it is counting the days until we are together again.  It's been a tough couple of weeks since then, been very sick but trying its best to get better.

Some things like milking have been put on hold until cow is stronger. 

 may not be very sexy these last couple of weeks, but it is reassured that no matter how bad the medical news is, Master has been there for it.  When other doms who talk to it just stopped talking all together as soon as they found out cow was sick...Master on the other hand let it know that He would never leave it even if it became too sick to serve Him.  Which just makes cow want to get better so much so it can serve Him for the rest of its life. 

His love and strength has given cow all the hope it needs.

Ok last post before Master arrives.  This is not his first visit so cow knew how to prepare for Him.  One thing He wants this time is to have cow strip at the car and attach a leash to it and bring it in to the house on its hands and knees.  cow had to do some work outside to make this possible without prying eyes.  Lots of leash time coming up next for cow.

so it has been reading a lot of bdsmlibrary stories lately.  it likes stories about slaves and their training, what they learn to take, how they learn their place etc....

Thing is a lot of the stories take a turn in the torture department that make them unrealistic and hard to enjoy.  Lets put it this way if You take barbed wire and shred the inside of a vagina with it, there is no magic balm that will repair the damage in two days so that You can then turn around and inflict the same type of damage and the slave remain healthy.

I get it that some people don't care about if a slave lives or dies but if You are reading these stories and the brutality is so extreme that it would land people in the ICU ward, You might want to get out of fantasy for awhile. 

Yes slaves are property but unless You are a total jackass and not responsible at all, it seems to me that You wouldn't destroy property.  Have You tried finding a good slave lately, they are not all that easy to come by and therefore they are not disposable. 

cow gets off on reading stories where bitches learn to be used for their Masters pleasure be it pain, humiliation or sexual.  it just can't get off reading about someone being tortured basically to death and then have the writer act as if the slave will just bounce back the next day after being held in a tiny cage for 24 hours in order to do it all again.  Guess cow likes reality, in reality it is a toilet, in reality it gets beat, in reality Master uses its holes for His pleasure, in reality He humiliates it as much as possible, in reality He loves it, in reality He cherishes it.  There isn't hours of aftercare but there isn't this idiotic belief that You can do all kinds of harm and not require some type of recovery. 

it has been wearing the plug for at least 12 hours out of everyday now.  Still milking those udders, not producing anything except an very horny cow.  Milking has a wonderful affect on cow and makes it wet instantly.

cow has been cumming anywhere from 5 to 8 times a day and in 2 days it will be kneeling in front of its Master.

Yesterday it hung hooks on the wall of Master's bedroom and then displayed all the implements on them.  This makes it easy for Master to choose what he wants to beat His cunt with.  The dresser is laid out with every dildo and plug, nipple clap and clothes pin.  

cow's outfit is picked out, the menu for several days as been planned and shopped for.  it will be cooking for Master most of the time.  it bought the drink Master likes the most and foods He likes.  it has scrubbed its skin until it is so soft just so He can beat it until it is welted.  

We are going to take a picture of us.  Master will be in His business suit and cow will be naked on its leash with cuffs on wrist and ankles.  cow will be kneeling next to its Master and then we are going to print the picture and put it on the night stand so that cow can always know where its place is, even if Master isn't with it at the moment.  

Serving Master is all this stupid piece of fuck meat can think about.  Being His piss dump, His piece of shit, His servant, His pleaser.  

The anticipation has been delicious.

So excited, Master has arrived in the US, it will be several days until He gets here because He has work to do.

it has been able to fall asleep with the plug in its ass the last two nights, everything will be just the way Master wants it when He gets here.

As it goes to sleep tonight it is wearing its leather ankle and wrist cuffs, its collar around it neck (dog chain) and there is a plug in its cheap ass.  it can only think that it wants Master here and now using it, beating it, degrading it, loving it.  it wants to please and serve Him all of the time.

Time to go read some very hot story and dream about when cow will kneel before its Master again.

It is just a little over a week before Master arrives.  cow is so excited it can barely think straight. 

Master told it He is going to take it out one of the nights He is here and on another we are going to have the family over to socialize.  They seem to like Him and cow is very grateful for that. 

We will do so many things both vanilla and bdsm, but the entire time we do them we will be Master and slave.

That makes cow very happy.

Let's get something straight.  A slave who willingly obeys and asks permission for everything is not a weak simple minded being.  Do you have any idea of the inner strength it takes constantly, daily surrender your will to another human being and do it with a smile on your face?

Do you have any idea what it takes to accept the decision of another, it takes an unusual amount of inner strength to choose this.  It also takes a great deal of common sense and intelligence to pick the type of Master you can willingly surrender to and know for certain that he won't destroy you or your life.

Sit back and judge because you are not as "extreme" as us but don't for one second think you are better, more intellectual or more loving.  

We are what we are!  Yes cow is a slave but it dares you to meet her on the vanilla battlefield, it would outwit you in a heartbeat.  That is part of the sexy allure to Master, his cow is as smart as they come yet it degrades itself for him willingly.  

it belongs to him and if it needs something it must ask permission.  Property does not go around making its own decisions, but that doesn't mean that property doesn't also do all the research and present its Master with all the options. 

While it isn't putting milk out yet, it is doing lots of pumping.  its nipples are becoming long and engorged.  it has started to take fenugreek to help fool its body into producing milk. 

it is basically skipping through its days lately in anticipation of Master's arrival.  cow is as happy as any bitch could be.  When you go as long as Master and cow do between visits the anticipation of the next makes life so happy.  cow is planning meals as well as preparing its body to sere, the house (it is normally clean) will be perfect.

Master got his flight nailed cow.  For those of You who believe online is a joke, Master and cow are living proof that two people can meet online and make a relationship work.  One day we will be living together, cow has no doubt of that.

Nobody is happier that this stupid cow today.  its udder pump came today and cow started working on getting them to produce milk, it will take awhile but at least it has it. 

Then as if the day wasn't going well enough because Masters gift to it arrived right on Valentines Day then he called it to tell cow He will be here in less than a month  So excited to be with Master again!!  cow can hardly wait to serve Him. 

We started to make some logistical plans and then we started to talk about all the things Master is going to do with His property.  Master told it when we hung up it was to cum right away and it must pump several times a day as well.

Daily enemas and ass stretching, milking and lots of cumming for this cow everyday so that when Master comes it will be a bitch in heat ready to drink His piss, take His beatings, worship His body, obey His commands and have its holes available for His use.

What a great day

Happy Valentines Day

so tonights cows best friend of 36 years told it she was getting married in May.  she told cow that it was not invited to the wedding because the man she is marrying doesn't like cow.

She says He never forgives someone even if what happened wasn't cows fault, he will never speak to it and therefore it can't come to its best friends wedding. 

thats ok cow will just wait until he dies of a heart attack.  Her first husband hated it for 20 years, cow was there before him and after him.    This dude doesn't even speak to his own children.  Anyone who holds onto hatred that long will end up having that very hatred kill them from the inside out. 

cow loves its best friend and it knows she loves cow.  it also knows that she is not as strong as cow. 

it normally is only cheerful on here, honestly it hates the negative post....but tonight it is overcome sadness with no place to put its feelings

cow's new electric double breast pump will be arriving on Valentires Day...how fitting!

Master bought cow a Madela double breast pump last night.  This should make milking a lot easier.  Thank You Master for such a generous gift, it loves You

cow has a face cleaner that is battery operated, its bristles spin round and round to clean the pours of its face.  For the last week it has been using that on its nipples and all it can say is wow its nipples are very very sensitive now.  When the scrubber is on them the nipple gets caught up in it and gets pulled out and spins around, its entire udder pulsates during this and then for hours afterwards cow nipples are tingling while it works.

it just wants to gush uncontrollably about how perfect its Master is.  If You had any idea the turmoil cow has been to get to this point in its service and mind set, You would know that Master has worked miracles with this cow. 

Years of trying to fight what was inside of it, yet needing it more than anything.  Years of telling itself it would not settle and then one day quite by accident the one who would own its every thought found it.

We are separated by distance and rely on short visits and a lot of skype to get by, He has showed so much patience when cow starts to lose its little mind. 

it loves and worships Him so much even if it is not always the best cow.

This morning Master told cow to leave its udders tied up while it worked until its first break.  He liked how big its nipples were engorged.  cow had its udders tied up from 7:45 am to 11:00 am.....break time brought some relief :)

It has been far too long since cow tied up its udders and put suction on them.  Tonight it tied them up with purple rope (the cat wanted to play with the rope while cow was trying to tie).

Then after it tied them it put on syringe suction and they started to drip....oh so close to milking but not quite there yet

cows nipples have swelled up to fill the entire syringe and are at least 1 inch long, the udders are not as purple as the rope...next time cow will have to get it tighter. 

it thinks it will leave the rope on for at least another hour

Porn or Angry Birds?  Porn or Angry Birds......Porn or Angry Birds.....it just can't decide.

Today cow has to wear the butt plug when it starts work and until its first break.  It will be working naked again, that it is accustomed to.

When it got up this morning it said to itself "it doesn't want to put the plug in, its too early, cow is too tired."  Then it started getting ready for work, soon it was rinsing out its ass saying to itself "it will do this now and put the plug in at break time and where it until lunch" 

When it was all ready for work it walked into the bedroom got the plug and put it in, seems that even if it doesn't want to do it, cow can't help but obey its Master.

To the fella who took the time to send it this unsolicited email today:

         "You need a diet and some exercise.    BADLY......."

Congratulations, you have passed the eye sight portion of our test, sadly you failed the humanities and personality part miserably.

Better Luck Next Time!!!  Have a nice day.

So cow begged Master to let it get a spray tan last night.  it misses the sun and having that tan once in a great while just makes cow feel a little prettier and not so January dullsville.

Anyhow it asked Master if when it got its spray tan (because He said yes it may have one) if He would like cow to have anything on its body.  

Master is always having cow write things across its udders and sometimes on its forehead.  So cow is going to take some electrical tape and write the words "Darkside's cow" across its saggy udders and "fuck whore" across its ass.  Then it is going to get a spray tan.  When the tan stuff dries cow will remove the tape and presto bright white words will be on cows body for about a week.

cow

Tonight it did its anal training early, it wore a plug for four hours this evening.  Going to try working for part of the day tomorrow with one in.

So there is this profile that shows up everyday on its list of highlighted profiles.  Within the writing are these words underlined in red....glaring at it everyday.  cow wants in the worst way to just go into the profile and correct the spelling, then it remembers it doesn't have access to this profile and can't just make it all better.

it did good on its anal training tonight, got the 6 inch inflatable dildo in (it has a  pretty big head on it) and it pumped it up big time.  Did the same procedure multiple times, when its ass was gaping it put a plug in just to keep it open for a bit until Master sees it.

it found a fairly inexpensive goat milking machine tonight, it sent Master several helpful hints!

so it went to bed, laid there, maybe slept a little but not more than an hour...woke up, played with his cunt and had a great orgasm....then it got out of bed and make a cake from scratch (pineapple chocolate btw) and then settled down to the computer and Netflix.

cow knows the one sure fire thing to bring it out of any "sad or lonely" mood it is in....do You want to know the answer?? 

IT'S STARTREK!!!!!  nothing like a good Deep Space 9 or Voyager show while it plays online games to snap it right out of its little pity party.  Tonight it is going to work on the Enterprise series!

OK games, bake cake and watch StarTrek....cow makes a good situation out of anything.

its very tired tonight and so sad because it is missing Master terribly, today is a day where we would normally spend quality time together....which has been lacking because of His recent trip.  Now there are internet issues and cow is so sad without Him.  it needs Him so much, it feels like a gaping wound right now, He is the medicine it needs.

Lately our communication is just 5 mins here and there and it just wants to die, it understands that it is not His fault, but that doesn't change how much cow hurts.

crawling into bed alone, away from a computer for awhile.

Best part about Saturday's.....cow gets to be naked all day even if it has to work an 8 hour shift, it has to pee in a bucket next to its desk, not allowed to use the toilet.

cow feels so at ease like this,

worst part about this Saturday is the headache that is splitting cows tiny little brain right now. 

Ever since cow took on Master's name and changed it on collarme, its experience here as been infinitely better than the years before.

The change can be explained partly due to the fact that cow is much more respectful to those who write to it now.  it no longer assumes that someone writing to it must prove themselves worthy (what an arrogant way of thinking).  it enjoys talking to Masters who speak to it about its life without demanding it strip and obey.  Those writing to it now seem to respect Master's authority and ownership and can manage to have a conversation while keeping it in its place but not disrespecting Master.

it has figured out that talking to like minded people who believe that cows are here to serve is easier.  it no longer wishes to go to community events and try to fit into their world.  it would just rather cow and Master make friends with people who will not accept us as we are. 

So it is pleased to make new friends all while being the stupid lil cow that Master loves so much. 

Collarme is not the problem, people trying to force other people to be and think like them is the problem.  Disrespect is the problem. 

Thank You to all the Masters who now write to it, it hopes that You enjoy our friendships as much as cow does. 

Master would also like to get to know You.  Please feel free to wrtie to him DarkSideOfRoom, collarme as messed up His profile somehow so it is hard to find his profile sometimes, but it is there.

it just got done watching a video of Master beating cows ass, back and legs with a cane, strap and huge wooden paddle....going off to dreamland now.

it got off work, wrote its Master and email and then ran straight to its room to play with its vibrator....mmmmmmm sometimes being a cunt is the best thing in the world.  Unlike other females cow as no problem coming multiple times a day.  its body feels so alive right now, its even hornier now that it has come than before. 

silly little cow is so horny, in a few minutes it is going to do its enema, it can't wait to play tonight....boy is that orgasm going to feel good after it spreads its holes.

it just applied for its first promotion into management at the job it started in the early fall.  The realistic part of it knows that it stands very little chance of getting this promotion, but it thinks putting itself on their radar can't be a bad thing.

cow may write as a worthless being in BDSM circles, but it is no idiot and works very hard.  it figures as long as it has to be int he working world it may as well reach for the stars.  Think of it, a successful bitch who eventually gives it up just because its Master tells it to do so. 

cow loves to serve and right now it puts its service into its work when Master is not around.  cow does nothing with less than its full heart, intellect, energy and desire to serve in the mix.  it has a hard time understanding lazy people whose conscious allows them to take advantage of the gift of employment. 

it needs to put the same drive and work ethic into losing weight. 

Now lets get back to the wanker material, oh my is cow horny tonight  it can't believe it has to wait until after midnight to  cum.  2013 is going to start with a huge scream of pleasure from a cow.

ITS NUMBER 1 NEW YEARS RESOLUTION IS TO PLEASE MASTER,  NUMBER 2 RESOLUTION: GET PROMOTED INTO MANAGEMENT, NUMBER 3 RESOLUTION:  GET UDDERS FULL OF MILK, NUMBER 4 RESOLUTION:  LOSE WEIGHT

Recently, it was having a conversation with a submissive who asked cow if its Master planned on branding and what did cow think of that.

To be honest, cow was scared to death when it first realized Master would indeed brand it when He moved here.  cow was told this fact of life at the very beginning but just tried to put it out of its head. 

Master told it that not only would it be branded, it would also have a tattoo put on its mound. 

cow is at a point in its submission that it looks forward to the time it can wear Masters mark all the time.  it knows all too well how painful it will be when it happens and for even a week to two afterwards.  cow also knows from its many beatings that pain is fleeting and it so enjoys its marks but they too are fleeting.  cow daydreams about the way it will be branded, the setting, who will be in attendance, will it be treated like a lowly animal?  Now cow can't wait for that mark to be in its skin, no amount of soap and water will diminish it.  For Master the thrill is obvious and of course brands might have to be redone after several years.

cow has no idea what Master plans for the tattoo but it recently started to have another fantasy.  it fantasizes that Master tattoo's the words "Master's Fuck Hole" around its anus.  This is a tattoo that cow will never see (well unless it squats over a mirror).  Every time cow is in position or ass in the air that advertisement of its place will be visible to all but cow.  The idea of a mark that cow can't see, in a place that is so humiliating really makes it happy.

it doesn't consider branding causing permanent damage unless you are into unblemished skin.  it only thinks about the weeks afterwards when it will glance down at that brand and forever know that it belongs to Him.  That He so desires to possess it that He marked it as His forever.  That it was so willing to serve Him, it submitted to the pain and pledged to be His always.

it wants a breast pump in the worst way to really get its milking kicked into high gear.  it didn't get any Christmas gifts, so maybe if it is a good cow it will get the milking machine.  it misses Master who is on vacation in Hong Kong so instead it is writing another journal.

Happy New Years to everyone, may You be blessed and find what You seek in the coming year.

This is how cow does its enemas.  On days when it just wants to do a quick enema in order to just clean out the immediate vacinity of where a plug would be, cow just stands there and inserts the tube, it only takes one bag.

There are other days when cow cleans its colon from top to bottom, those are much harder and usually require 4 full enema bags of water (one at a time not all at once).  It puts half of the first bag in and then releases, from that moment on it changes.  cow inserts the tube and then kneels on the edge of the bathtub.  From there it puts its hands and head on the floor of the bathtub, thus exposing its ass and cunt in a very vulnerable way.

After the first bag is in, it releses.  Then it puts an entire bag in all at once.  This makes cow cramp very badly as the water washes very far up inside of it.  cow repeats this process until it is emptied out all the way.  it takes about an hour and it cramps the entire time.  it also is very humiliating kneeling on the tub that way.  When cow is realing it fish hooks its anal opening to let everything run out of it without pushing. (also pretty degrading).

That final release is usually a huge cramp but with it comes an orgasm if cow allows itself to surrender to it.  its nipples harden, a chill runs up and down its spine, its legs begin to shake and as the cramp rolls and cow is releaseing it is also having a humiliating orgasm.

Then it showers and put a plug in. 

Last year when Master started to keep it nude cow had a hard time with the winter cold.  its shoulders were always chilly and that made the rest of cow cold.  So its solution was to take a warm fuzzy heavy robe and cut it so that its shoulders and upper back was covered but its udders, ass and cunt were fully on display.  With the snow fall it is time to break out the slave robe.  The back of it comes down to just where its udders hang in the front, it only covers cows arms, shoulders and very high upper back. 

it starts work in 30 mins and will sit there looking like a cheap piece of shit while it works.

After today's 12 hours of work, cow will finally have some time to settle back into what it really is.  This weekend will be spent naked on the floor, all meals eating of the kitchen flloor, lots of anal training, lots of udder milking. 

cow needs this stuff to feel complete.  Most "women" need work and accomplishments to complete them, in cows case those things only serve to make it feel less than what it really is.  They deny it of its place in life.  For cow the only true contentment is when it is in the place Master has taught it that it belongs in.  Only when it is nude, chained, used and in lowered does it feel right. 

it is so looking forward to several straight days of being nothing more than a cow. 

its been so busy working overtime that it has little time to enjoy anything else in life right now.  its happy for those who can take on days like Christmas and go on vacations.  its happy to have a job, but boy is it tired and feeling very alone in the world.  Time is just not permitting Master and it much of anything.

Talking to Him makes everything else in its world better, not being able to talk to Him makes everything else in its world harder.

Guess it is too demanding.

Master thinks that we are going to be ok if we can only talk a few times a week, because our relationship is that strong.  cow thinks that when we talk it makes it strong and then it can handle anything.  it needs that connection with Him, He believes we are so connected that it doesn't matter what our schedules are we will be ok.  We will be ok but cow will still be uneasy and stressed.

it is wondering if cow has not made its status as OWNED clear enough at the begining of its profile.  The number of Men who write to it asking if it is ready to submit or think it will make a good slave for them boggles its stupid lil mind.  Can they not read the very first sentence of its profile?  Do they think that all cow's are lying when they write they are owned?  These are the emails that give Dominant Men bad reputations on sites like this one.  Seriously, if You are looking for a slave typically you don't hit up the owned ones.  If you are looking for some online sexys chat and play, typically you don't hit up the owned ones....unless their profile says that Master shares them.

cow's Master does not share it, sorry that's the way it is.

so cow is trying to make its milk come in for Master (its kinda a suprise, but he never reads what it writes in forums...so no harm there)

anyhow it has found that if it repeats mantra's to itself (some made by Master) that it helps whatever process it is trying to achieve.  If it is anal training while it is going through it and maybe having difficulty it talks to itself as if Master were there saying things to it.  "Be a good cow and....., Open that hole for Your Master...etc.."

Now that it is trying to get its milk in as it is hand expressing it thinks about being the best cow for Master and says to itself over and over "Good cow, fills those saggy udders with milk for Your Master" or things of that nature.  When it repeats those phrases it feels its body respond. 

Master puts cow into "position" (face in the floor, udders on the floor, ass in the air & spread) whenever he gets a phone call or has to do something.  When cow is in position it repeats the mantra "The only purpose in its worthless life is to serve its Master Darkside"  its amazing how calming and peaceful being in position is as it repeats and reaffirms what it is.

cow finds peace and contentment in the simple things.  it knows its place and enjoys being what others would say as degraded.  For cow those things are not degrading but a very natural state.  it loves eating its meals straight off the kitchen floor while Master watches.  He says that cow is a very cheap piece of cunt, he says that most anybody else would not lower themselves to eat off the floor like is dumb lil animal.  cow is happy to do it, it doesn't feel humiliated or bad by eating off the floor, it doesn't feel bad when its face is buried in its food as it tries to eat.  it has comes to like the feel of food pressing in on its cheeks all warm and wet while it is eating.  Others might find it humiliating, but cow just feels happy down on the ground, ass in the air, face buried in food. 

cow works full time staring at a computer screen, its job is very fast paced with little downtime.  When cow gets home, it goes to the kitchen and happily eats off the floor and then it crawls to the bathroom for its daily enema and anal training.  The thought of vegging in front of the TV crosses its mind, but the simple truth is...cow is made happy by doing these things for Master more than watching tv would make it happy.  One would think that after serving people all day long cow would want some "me time" after work because it is so very tired.  Instead cow eats and starts its chores and by doing so it gets new energy and is happy....it truly is the strangest thing.  Being "low, degraded and generally what others feel beneath them" makes cow the happiest slave in the world. 

it will never understand the need for some people to send an unsolicited email, especially someone one has never met before or had any contact with whatsoever, just so they can tell it that they think its a joke. 

Welcome to the new profile stage of collarme, it gets the emails from those who state the desire to own it even though it clearly says it is owned for 2 years and it gets the emails that call it a joke.

For those of you who think that people or cows who write in the third person must be wannabes and fakes it wishes to point out that there is the element of humiliation that you might be missing. 

Master knows that being forced to refer to itself in the third person is humiliating and we get off on humiliation.  Master know that people will take one look at its writing and judge it to be stupid and a joke.  He has said over and over that it is no longer a woman but a piece of fuck meat with no rights.  One of the rights it no longer has is to impress people with 1st person writing.  it is subject to the scorn and mocking of others to humiliate it, once again we GET OFF on humiliation.

it always thought it would be impossible for someonee to have a real long distance relationship right until the moment it found itself in one.  Two years have passed by, and this is as "REAL" or Truw as it gets.  Yes Master and it have been together in real life, no we are not together the vast majority of the time.  We skype for hours each day, he manages its finances and all its decisions.  Someday we will be lucky enough to be together full-time, but until mock on people.  Your scorn won't change what we are together, what our kinks are, or how devoted we are to each other.

it wishes you all a very good day and if you want to chat with it or its Master we welcome like minded friends who are not about judging the depths of our depravity.  You do your thing and we will do ours.