Well several days have passed since i wrote my last journal and just as i figured i don’t matter enough to even get an answer from my “Daddy” so i guess things are really over.

          Silence is how He deals with things rather than talking things out so i’ll be sparing Him the disappointment that i brought to him because i wasn’t good enough for Him.

No sense in keeping banging my head against a stone wall when that wall won’t even talk back to me. i can’t even cry over it because i’ve shed so damned many tears over this whole relationship i have no more to shed.

          Finding out that you're not to one’s liking is a hard thing to hear, even harder when they don’t tell you what it is that you are or aren't doing that they either like or dislike. This morning was an eye opener for me, once upon a time i thought that i was “the one” He had been looking, for alas this isn't the case, and as i write this i have a huge lump in my throat because it was hard to see those words.

When i asked what i was doing wrong so i could change it i was told

“not wrong....just different, than liked...but who is to say is wrong....not i....”

How is a girl supposed to figure out what to do if she’s not told what the man likes? He also said that

“sometimes....too resistant to my needs and desires, but that is you...and i understand” Again how is a girl to know without being told what He wants?  I’m sitting here totally baffled. This is the man that i would do anything for, i am in love with Him, head over heels in love with Him, and to hear that i don't fit into His wants and desires hurt.

i am hurting, i am hurting, i am hurting, i don't know any other way to say it!!

          Talked to Daddy after my nap, asked Him how His day was going He said tiring, and i knew that there wasn’t going to be a visit tonight, happily He’d already granted permission for me to play after naptime, i still checked with Daddy anyway because i wouldn't want to play if there was a chance of having a date with Daddy instead.

          i did play, and finally was able to relieve some, “only some” of the tension that’s been building up in me all week with me using the ben wa balls every day at nap time. It’s still not the same as having Daddy touch her, and play with her making her cum, and cum over, and over again, mewing like a lil kitten when Daddy’s done with her, that’s how she feels when her Daddy takes her in His hands, and makes her His, as many times as He chooses to.

          Just being still is the hardest part of naptime for this babygirl, she’s still mastering that technique hopefully in time she'll be able to learn to be still and quiet when it’s naptime. i may never be able to take a nap without having those balls inserted in me again, i think that i'm getting spoiled to the feeling of having them inside me, i do so love the feeling. When Daddy first told me that i was to put them in i was sorta shocked and it was sorta difficult at first, now i look forward to 12PM i find myself willing the clock to move faster so that i can go to bed sooner.

          There’s been so many twists and turns in our relationship and this is just another one of the twists that Daddy tosses into the mix and it’s always interesting to see what the next one will be. i have to wonder what the next twist will be for me, i had to ask Daddy to lie low on the girls because i'd missed my mammogram and i don't want to go in with a huge bruise on my breast, i need to call on Monday so that i can get in as soon as possible i’ve still got a bruise but that can just be a dang huge bump that i took, lol.

          When Daddy got me started with rope bondage and binding my girls up, it was all over for me, it was like i go into another orbit almost immediately when He starts to pull the rope tighter around my ample breast making me wet almost immediately, it’s all i can do to stay with Him as He’s tying the ropes around me and my breasts, as He’s tying them i could just hump Daddy’s leg right then and there showing Him how much i really need and want Him to fulfill my needs.

          i love all the twists and turns that Daddy has implemented in our relationship together. i’ve learned to embrace the new things that i was unsure about before because i know that Daddy wouldn’t ever harm me, hurt me perhaps, but harm me, never!

          While speaking with my Daddy this evening i felt the need to ask a very serious question that i’d been wanting the answer to for a while to. i asked Him “Do You see Yourself staying here and being around because of me?” and His answer was that “you know my plan is to head to the camp that is why I’m still working”

          Sadly yes i knew this, but i’d hoped that His feelings were stronger for me and that perhaps He’d stay. i’m not going to cry i’m determined that i’m not going to be sad over it. W/we’ll just make the best of the time that He’s got here and that’s that. i refuse to ruin the time that He’s here with pouting over Him not loving me enough to stay, it’s ok, i’m used to men leaving me, i’m used to men going their separate ways and that’s ok. i will love Him and that’s enough for me.

          i don’t want things to change between us at all, i want Him for my Daddy as long as He is here. Daddy’s a gypsy and i can deal with it, so long as He brings me prezzys from his travels now and then i’m good with it. Daddy says i don’t understand Him, but i think that i do, if my health were better and i were able to live a gypsy’s life i would climb on that gypsy truck and be onboard with it so fast that His head would spin, i’ve had happy feet as i call it for a very long time, but because of my health i need to stick near a Dr and be able to go to the Dr. once a month because of my medicines. If it were not for that i would so be a gypsy in a heartbeat.

          Daddy i am not upset with the answer You gave me, i just needed the truth so i am better prepared. i wish that You had not left so fast last night but You did, so that’s why this is here waiting for You. Know that You are loved! Know that You are cherished! Know that You are the most important person second to my daughter in my life and that will not change no matter where You are!

          A heart can’t help who it loves, i love You!

          Got up at my normal 4 AM so i could have my morning coffee with Daddy when 5 AM rolled around i sent Daddy a text and found out that He’d been at work since 2 AM this moanin,, ughhh if i'd known that i could have slept in lol.. Oh well.. Guess it’s good to keep up with my routine.

          Having a bedtime, and a naptime is turning out to be a good thing for me, i feel better having more rest, and it’s nice to have Daddy looking after me and my well being. i always knew there was something missing but couldn't put my finger on what it was then i found out about being a babygirl and having a Daddy and then when i met my Daddy and He fit that bill perfectly it was like fate had stepped into my life finally when i needed it most.

          One of my most favorite things is cuddling with Daddy when He first comes to visit with me, W/we sit on the sofa and snuggle for a lil bit and then start kissing, oh and when Daddy nibbles at my earlobes and puts His tongue in my ear it’s all i can do not to cum undone right then and there. Lord help me when He does it when W/we are standing up, my knees go weak it’s all i can do to stay on my feet!

          By this point my lil girly bits are all moist and ready, but Daddy makes me wait it’s maddening, by this time i could just hump a stump but i would much rather ride Daddy into oblivion, until my eyes roll back in my head from the ecstasy of it all. i hope that’s to be my next adventure when Daddy visits me, i wanna ride Daddy and ride Him all night long.

          Daddy and i haven't been to dinner in a long time either, maybe He’ll go toy shopping if i’m a good girl, i’d like that a whole lot *grinz* Daddy knows what His lil girl wants He’s making her wait till He’s good n ready for her to have her new toy. When Daddy does go shopping maybe He'll take her to dinner and make her have her new toy in, and tease the heck out of her get her all bothered then take her home, and finish her off in style.

          Daddy’s girl loves to lie across His lap, and offer her submission to Him her bare bottom is all hers to spank as He sees fit. Daddy has rough hands, and loves to use them on her bottom. Daddy also loves to use her hairbrush on her bottom, and when He checks to see if she’s getting wet if she squirms He smacks her bottom harder because she’s not supposed to squirm at all. She loves to feel Him under her as she’s taking all He can hand out with every swat she feels herself breaking down, everything that’s been building up over the past week or so, is leaving her slowly when the tears start she knows that her weeks’ worth of stress, and anything that she’s possibly done wrong, she knows that it’s all better now. The slate is cleared again, her debt has been paid, and she paid with her bare bottom across Daddy lap. 

            Daddy came over last night, i knew that i would pay for telling Him “no” to shooting a load on my face or anyplace else for that matter.

          Daddy kept me on the edge..

my instructions were to have my ben wa balls in and panties on, i knew something was up because Daddy HATES panties, and i also had to have a t-shirt on that is specially cut for Daddy, so i just knew that i wasn't going to like what Daddy had in store for this babygirl.

          All a part of her training though, and she has to learn her lessons like a good girl does. Daddy did something no one’s ever done before teased me, over and over leaving me almost in tears because i would get so close to cumming yet He would back off and stop. i just knew that i wasn't going to enjoy last night as much as i’d hoped to all because i had to be a dope and say “no” to Daddy, not something i’ll ever do again.

          When Daddy comes next time i hope to be able to ride on Daddy that’s what i’d hoped to do this time.

          Nap time is at 12 with my favorite toy, my ben wa balls, Daddy said all babygirls take a nap with their favorite toys, one of mine just happens to be my ben wa balls.

           i just have to learn to lie still enough to go to sleep, that’s the hard part about the ben wa balls they make it hard to lie still, i want to grind against them and wiggle them about until i cum, i know better though.

          i don’t ever play unless i ask Daddy if i can, and He wouldn't give me permission to play especially while i was supposed to be napping. 

          Ask and ye shall receive, i was speaking with Daddy the other day and told Him that i needed a bedtime because i have no self-control when it comes to turning off the TV and heading to bed at a reasonable hour. Daddy stepped up and gave me a bedtime of 9 PM every night, hopefully a lil later on the weekends, maybe just for Friday and Saturday evenings.

          Now this moanin Daddy told me that after today i will have a nap time too, except that Daddy told me there’s one stipulation for my naptime, i have to have my ben wa balls in me while i try to nap, arggggggggggg,,, going to have to be really still so they don't move around and make me all excited, it will be so hard not to wiggle and move around while i am supposed to be napping, a babygirl’s gotta wonder why her Daddy would tell her to put the ben wa balls in her while she’s supposed to be napping, she’s a good girl and will do as she’s told to do it won't be easy to not play each day though.

           *sighs*

          Babygirl messed up big time this morning while talking with Daddy, and she feels awful about it.

          Daddy told His babygirl that it was about time to have some fun with her breasts and to unload on her face, and in her not so infinite wisdom she said “no” to Daddy, which of course didn't go over well at all, He shut down His cam and told her that it was a repercussion for her screw up, L she feels so badly as it is just because she’s never been fond of facials, she was told that sometimes babygirl’s have to do things that they aren't fond of, and that it’s not all about the babygirl, which i knew of course and then whoosh Daddy had to go,,, it was like Daddy was kinda punishing babygirl for what she'd said to Him about the facial.  babygirl is so unhappy she’s been so sad since Daddy left her like that.

          This babygirl is sleepy and has a Dr. Appointment later she’s going to try to get a nap before she’s got to get ready to go. Maybe she should ask Daddy about the ben wa balls? Hmmmm…i asked, and got my answer,,, ughhh,, gonna be a ruff time trying to nap!,,

          Good night!!

          Another night without sleep, my head is pounding again, and the wind is blowing, what’s a girl to do…

          Going to try and get some sleep but first something to eat and something for my head. Something to eat, check, something for the headache, check, sleep, we will see,,

          This weekend i’ve been sitting here missing my Daddy, i’ve been wondering just how it’s going to feel when He tells me “I’m leaving for good” i get all teary eyed and cry when i just think about it. Those aren’t words i’m looking forward to hearing from Him. i wish i had the power to make Him stay, having Him here with me every day would be the best thing that i could think of, i just don’t know how happy He would be.

          It’s His happiness that i worry about more than mine because that’s just who i am, i think of others before i think of myself.

          Making other’s happy and seeing to their needs is what makes me feel more like a true submissive. i don’t play act like the little girls on the internet now who have found that they like a little kink in the bedroom. These are the same girls that when they don’t feel like being submissive they turn it off like a television set, this lifestyle isn’t like that for me. For me it’s a way of life not a game to be taken lightly i don’t turn off my submissive nature when it pleases me, and then back on when i chose to.  

          When i learned about this lifestyle 15 years ago i asked questions, i learned all that i could learn from whomever would take the time to teach me.

          Back then there was honor among the Dominants, there was a sisterhood between the submissive’s and, slaves we all bonded and were learning from one another, not like the cattiness that i see here and in the other online areas.

          There seems to be no honor anymore among the “so called Dominants”  in fact it’s rare that i come across what i would call a “true Dominant”  they are mostly again wannabe’s out for the kink of it all. It’s all about the bedroom kink for the players here now.

          That’s not being a Dominant, that’s bedroom kink, i tend to be a straight shooter i call it how i see it.

          If it walks like a duck, acts like a duck, talks like a duck,, more than likely it’s a DUCK!

          When and if my Daddy tells me He’s leaving me for good it will tear me apart, i will cry, i will mourn again what we had, sadly i can’t make Him want to stay with me any more than i can win the lottery without playing it.

          i do know that i will not have another Daddy, that’s a once in a lifetime relationship and i’ve had mine, i love my Daddy with all my heart and, He knows how i feel.

Unconditionally Loving

It's the kind of love that has no limitations. And it asks for nothing in return. You genuinely love people for who they are. For their true and honest selves. Raw and unfiltered, this magical love runs deep through you every waking moment of your life. And the people whom you give it to feel truly lucky to experience your love in their lives!  

Go figure.. me??
Ummmmm YEAHHH!!!

          Again Daddy’s started something that i want more of, i want to have the feeling of having the ropes holding in a toy maybe even two, i even spoke to Daddy about this, not the rope part but the toy part, and He knows that i want a butt plug and the feeling of being full inside while being across His lap even as i type this i’m starting to get all excited.

          The last time daddy was to visit He had me sitting here while i waited for Him to arrive with the ben wa balls inside me and it was all i could do not to touch myself, the only thing that kept me from doing it was knowing that Daddy was on His way and that He would be taking care of my needs just as i would be taking care of His.

          i’ve been thinking about how to make a rope thingy to hold in a toy with Daddy’s permission of course so that i could wear it and not feel like it would fall out and have the feeling of the ropes too and get used to that feeling because i really did enjoy it even though Daddy said i squirmed when He pulled on the ropes, kinda hard not to when the ropes are good n tight between my legs rubbing against my little girly bits.

          Daddy’s promised me a butt plug and, selfishly i want one that vibrates, *grinz* then to have that inside me, and ride on top of Daddy’s oh so lovely member cowgirl style with what He calls a bridle to hold onto wrapped tightly around my girls, i can feel it now all filled up nice and full with Daddy pulling on my nipples as i ride him maybe even flicking a finger across my swollen clit as i am rocking on top of Him, oh how i want to feel this soon the feeling of Daddy swollen deep inside me the feeling of a butt plug filling my bottom.

          i think the wind just kicked up outside, i may have to go get a toy or two like Daddy showed me to before He went away for the weekend, i was instructed to do certain things on the camera and i did it for Daddy, that’s the first time i’d ever done such a thing for anyone, i’ve been asked before but always said no, this time of course it was my Daddy and i didn’t want to nor dare say no. No isn’t a part of my vocabulary when it comes to my Daddy i’ve no reason to say no to Daddy about anything.

          Lord i don’t think i can stand it anymore. i wish that Daddy were around, i really need to feel His touches on me right now but will deal with it on my own for right now.

          i miss You Daddy!!

          i’m having a bad day/night, trying so hard not to start crying because my head hurts so badly i’d sent Daddy a text telling Him that i’d be trying to get some rest sadly my head had an another idea in mind and, that was of course for me not to rest. So i messaged Daddy and He’s not going to be online this evening, so i blew it.

          Now i am looking all over the living room for the hairbrush and it’s nowhere to be found, not only is it my hairbrush, it’s also one of Daddy’s new favorite OTK implements too. i do believe that i’ll be killing the dogs for ruff housing on the sofa and knocking it on the floor somewhere now i gotta get down on the floor on my knees to look under the table for it. It’s not under the sofa, it didn’t fall into the little trash can i have sitting here. Not too many places it can get to.

          Finally found it under the recliner, Lord knows how in the hell it got there. My backside is safe though i still have a brush for Daddy to wail my arse with!

          Am finding out that i don’t mind it so much either *grinz* unless He spreads my cheeks and hits that sweet spot as He calls it because ok that hurts!!

          Last night Daddy had instructed me to lube up and insert the ben wa balls that i have and, to be naked as usual when He got here i greeted Him at the door already a wet mess because i’d been wiggling and feeling them inside me and they were exciting me all the more. When Daddy walked through the door i got the sweetest and most sensual kiss that all but melted me on the spot i told Daddy that W/we needed to go to the sofa and sit down before i fell down because i couldn't stand any longer, each time He went for my ears and neck i wanted to puddle right there.

          As promised Daddy had gone to the store and bought the harsher rope, and uhmm Yes this rope has quite a bite to it, my skin is uber sensitive so maybe we need to put a tissue under the rope because the first answer from Daddy was that W/we stop with the rope all together and i don’t want that, no, no ,no!!!!

          When Daddy was spanking me i could feel that perhaps He was holding back, i’m not looking to be “punished” as He suggested once in a conversation W/we had but what i get from the OTK’s is not a punishment feeling to explain it to Him i just don’t know how. Last night He stopped and said that it was enough because i’d been a good girl this past week but when i groaned and didn't move to get up right away Daddy took that as a cue to give me just a bit more and what He did was just the right amount that i needed, i still feel the warmth there’s no bruises because that’s never been the reason for the OTK’s but the feeling that i get being across Daddy’s lap, being venerable, also at His mercy, giving Daddy my total, and complete submission, which is not something that i give over lightly or to just anyone that says they are a “dom” or “daddy” for that matter.       Daddy’s the only one to have ever given me a complete OTK by complete i mean one that washes away any and all wrong doings by tears. When that happens it feels so good inside to have that cleansed feeling inside, again i don’t know how to put it into words but i do know that it’s an amazing feeling one that you can’t get just any ole way. For me it’s by a good OTK, this week my girls were even bound with that rope that bites and i didn't even feel it until much later, i was lost in the whole thing, lost being spanked, lost having my nipples pulled on and sucked on so hard that it hurt, they aren't used to it and somehow i need to get them back into the game, lol,

          The ropes that were holding the ben wa balls in my girly bits were the soft ones thank heavens, i don’t think that i could handle that ruff rope down there it’s so sensitive to everything.

          When Daddy pulled those ropes it was amazing, next i’d love to try a butt plug in and with a vibrating toy in my girly parts with the rope holding all the toys in place. Daddy’s turning me into a nymph, oh wait, was already one of them, Daddy’s brought out the nymph who has a love for kinky and naughty toys and spankings!!

          Next time if Daddy chooses not to spank me perhaps he’ll allow me to drag Him willingly into the bedroom so that W/we can play a lil cowgirl and cowboy *smiles* a girl can hope can’t she?

          Okies headache lifted some,, going to try n get some rest.

You Have a

You believe that love is not a mystery. Love is respect, nurturing, and affection. Love is not drama. You love with your head before you love with your heart. It's not love if it doesn't make sense. 

Your heart is not easily tricked or fooled. You only have feelings when it is the real thing. Your love life is only a part of your whole life. Love has its place, but you don't obsess over it.

          Amazing experience yet again, although not too sure about the “rope with a bite” my skin is uber sensitive, it bit my skin in some ways it was good, in others it wasn't so good it’s still a part of me learning the whole “pain=pleasure” part of life.

          Daddy was super kind to me because He used the softer rope on my girly bits, which trust me made for a much better experience overall i don’t know that i would have been able to handle the “biting rope” on my girly bits just yet, hell i don’t know that my skin will ever be ready to handle that at all. W/we will do a “Yoda” at least one time and “try it W/we must” whether or not i’m able to handle it, that’s a whole other ball game.

          Enjoying one another is pretty much what O/our time together is about, and things are going to change seriously when the kids get here at the end of the month.

          One thing that i don’t want to happen is that things change so much that it puts a kink in our style, and we can’t enjoy the time W/we do spend together, i won’t have that happen if i can help it at all. Granted W/we can’t impose our lifestyle on the kids and that’s not what i mean, but i’ll be damned if i’m going to try to be quiet so they don’t hear anything, they are grown lol. They’ll get over it!

          Well got my marching orders this moanin, i’ve got to start to “abuse the girls” all over again. Daddy wants me to get the “girls” used to the abuse again, my nipples have gotten “unaccustomed” to being tortured the way that Daddy enjoys doing, so i’ll start again with the tiny rubber bands and getting them used to that, and all the other goodies i learned along the way when i was first told to bind my own breast to get them used to the feeling before Daddy brought the ropes to me.

          When i finally got the girls accustomed to the feeling of being bound i looked forward to each day that i was told to do it, and when i was told to take them off, and then all of a sudden the blood started to rush back into the “girls” i would feel it in my nether regions i’d get moist, and want to rush into the toy stash to play, it had gotten to the point where i couldn't bind the girls without wanting to play too.. it turned me into such a little horny babygirl i was always asking Daddy if i could relieve myself because i just couldn't take the feelings that were building up inside of me when i would bind my own breast.

          Then the first day that Daddy brought the ropes over to bind me, He took my girls in His big hands, and started to tie the girls up, my knees got all weak, and i thought i’d leave a puddle right there on the floor where i was standing, on cue the girls started turning pretty shades darker and darker, and Daddy played with my nipples slapped my breasts making me feel like i’d never felt before.

          i do so enjoy having these firsts with Daddy, He takes His time to allow me to enjoy the sensations, and feel everything i’m meant to feel there’s no rushing through it all to get to the end results. That’s what i really do enjoy about being with Daddy,, even though there’s times that i wish He’d let me have what i want, He always makes me wait until the timing is just right.

          Daddy told me that the way He’s going to be tying this new rope it’s going to be in my girly bits it’ll be so that when, and if i squirm or wiggle when getting my OTK it will rub against my pink bits. He explained it like a string bikini, unfortunately i’ve never been small enough to wear one of them so i’ve no idea how one of those fits. It’s going to be interesting to say the least, to wiggle and squirm or not to wiggle and squirm, such a decision, guess after the first time i do it i’ll know whether or not to move as soon as those ropes bite into my pink bits, i’m not sure if i should be excited or scared. 

          Daddy fell down the dang stairs at work today because His knee went out on Him then it went out on Him while He was in the shower too,, so needless to say it put off our “night together” which i was bummed about, i totally why He chose to stay home because he needs to take care of Himself for a change, and i understand because i don’t want Him hurting Himself anymore trying to drive here or give me an OTK, i’m a big girl and that’s more weight across His legs than He needs right now, W/we may have to figure out another way for Daddy to give me the OTK’s and not put more weight on His legs.

          My thoughts are still all tied up with the idea of the new rope that Daddy wants to use on me, and where,, i’m somewhat anxious about it because i’ve never had it done to me before, that said there’s not a doubt in my head nor heart that Daddy would harm me because i know that He cares too much for me to actually harm me,, i trust Him totally. Having a rope in a more sensitive area that has a “bite” to it because it’s not the soft rope that i enjoy is what’s got me anxious i’m still in the infant stages of the whole concept of “pain=pleasure”.

          When it comes to my OTK spankings i do so love them, and will take as much as i possibly can without using my safe word, i won’t say i will “never” because i don’t know that for a fact, there may be a time that Daddy pushes me past that limit that i can handle and i may call it but i will be devastated because to me well i just don’t know how to express how i feel about it, but i guess that to me an OTK is a bond so close and it’s not necessarily meant to be a punishment unless discussed beforehand and if it is a punishment then for certain NO WAY should a safeword be called, then again the Daddy should never spank in anger either, or try to hurt a girl because He’s angry at something that she’s done or said, He should always be in complete control, and it should be discussed beforehand why she’s being punished, in my mind a certain amount of swats should fit the crime and when it’s over then it’s over. Again i don’t think that a babygirl/sub/slave should ever be able to safeword out of a punishment unless it’s gotten way out of hand.

          So far,, knock on wood none of my OTK’s have been for a punishment, although last time i did get punished for squirming because i’d forgotten that’s one of those rules that a girl is just not sposed to do.. lol dang it,, Daddy’s getting me all hot n bothered n i gotta just lie there like nothing’s happening, so NOT easy to do.. but practice makes perfect so i hear!

          Well i’m sleepy and it’s been a few days since i’ve gotten some good rest, and morning is already here dang it, didn't mean to write this long. Took longer than i’d wanted to get my thoughts together,,

          Looks like i’m fixin to get what i asked for but not exactly what i was looking for, there’s always a twist when it comes to Daddy, i’m looking forward to more rope play.

This morning i’ve found out that it won’t be the soft rope that He started me out with, it’s to be thinner, coarser rope, rope that bites when i am to be tied, and instead of just my breast the ties will go lower, this is to be a first for me.

          As i write this i find that i am excited about the idea of it, the feel of rope in my most intimate parts something that i’ve seen pictures of but never experienced firsthand, i had thought that it would be with the softer ropes for the first time. He’s decided that’s not to be the case, i trust that He will not harm me, will it perhaps be uncomfortable, yes, but it will not harm me, will i be excited, no doubt.

          No man has ever been able to play my body like Daddy plays my body, He plays it as a fiddle, He’s fine tuned it so that when He walks through the door i start to get wet already. As soon as Daddy starts to kiss me i start to feel weak kneed and melt and then when He goes for the ears i’m all done for, squirming all over the place when He puts His tongue in my ear and ohhhhh i just get so wet, makes me want to ride Him and never stop but then He’s always got other plans first.

          Tonight i was told to have the hairbrush sitting out,, damn,, that thing hurts,, it’s a big square paddle brush and He spreads my cheeks and gets the spots that have never seen the light of day before and nails me right there and damn that hurts! His hands are tough but then to add the dang brush owww owww owww,,,,

          i do like my OTK’s so i’m so not complaining, it’s i guess for lack of a better term,, cleansing feeling, it’s like anything i may have done bratty or said that was bratty i have paid for and now i have a clean slate all over again.

          Lying across Daddy’s lap is submitting to Him in a way that i’ve never done with any other Dominant before. To lie there until He feels that i’ve had enough because no matter how badly it hurts i won’t call my safeword while getting an OTK, it sure felt like Daddy was trying to get me to call it last time.

          Hell i don’t even know if i have a safeword in place with Him, yeah i could always use the old stand by red but it’s not going to happen if i can help it not for an OTK.. i’m looking forward to it too much, so much so i may be panting by time Daddy gets here!

   After talking to Daddy tonight i am ready to ride, and ride, and ride some more. All i can think of is how much i want Him inside me filling me to the hilt as He holds onto the ropes attached to my breasts.

          My breast ache to be bound again like before, He got me hooked on that, and now it’s all i think about when i am watching Him on the camera and i know that He’s thinking the same thing about my girls.

          i know how much He enjoyed tying them up and seeing them change from the pretty soft beige to the deepened purple that they would get to before He finally released them to let the blood start flowing back into them as they would go back to normal. The feeling of them getting full of blood again makes me wet all over again. Oh hell who am i kidding, the wind makes me get wet and Daddy knows a good stiff breeze will make me horny! lol

          We never got to try any sort of weights on my breasts i’m still somewhat curious about that, i know that’s going to hurt but He’s taught me that with pain comes pleasure and i like that so i’m curious about it. He’s still got my clothes pins too,, wonder if He made any adjustments to any of them or not, without adjustments there’s no way i could put one on my nipple. i would die from the pain i’m just not used to it yet, wish there wasn’t that long of a break in our contact so that my nipples had not gotten soft again, by soft i mean not used to pain, they were getting used to it slowly but surely.

          No one’s ever sucked on my nipples the way that He does, feels like He’s trying to pierce it and all He’s doing is sucking on it.. whoa!!  Lol it’s an awesome feeling,, one that goes to the pit of my stomach,, then to my clit, nothing’s ever made me react that way before.

          The feeling of having my breast bound while i am trying to stand in front of Him it’s all i can do to stand upright and not cum, i start getting weak in the knees and it’s so hard to really concentrate on what’s being said to me never mind what’s being done because all the feelings seem to go right between my legs, i just can’t figure out how to separate the two.

          The same happened when i was getting an OTK last time, He would check my progress by seeing if i was getting moist and instead of remaining still like i should have i tried to back onto His hand and it earned me much more of a wailing than i’d bargained for, i didn’t know,, nor understand why at the time,, nor did He tell me why i was getting it much worse than i’d expected to,, until well after when we happened to have been talking, and He told me that i was “squirming” well duh,, yes i was, and i had forgotten the rules of engagement so to speak,, lol,, my bad, now i now i will not move again come hell or high water!!

          Didn’t enjoy that last OTK and i usually do.. it left me not just in tears but

sobbing, and sore,, granted He said not pink or red, but it’s hard to make my bottom red,, lol… gotta trim His nails beforehand next time too!!! Nail scratches hurt!!

          i’m again thinking about having my nipples pierced i know that’s something that would make Him so pleased. He says He has no rights over me, He’s not my “owner” etc but i don’t give a damn about that if it would please Him, then it would please me to do it for Him, as far as farther south, to be discussed privately,…, Not sure how i feel about that but i do know that i still want the nipples done if He’d still be interested in helping me with it.. financially right now i am saving every penny for a bed because of my back.,, and it may not be in His financial means either we shall see, i’d still like to go to the restaurant with a low cut dress on and nipple rings in so He can see them,, oh hell yeah making me horny all over again,, damn i want to hump Him so badly right now,, nipple rings and a butt plug and a toy in His pussy too that He was controlling,, all things that we said that we wanted to do.. just never happened yet,,, maybe in time!!

          Ok time i stop this before i can’t stop, i won’t play without asking regardless of what He says, i just won’t do it, and He knows it. It’s how i am i learned the way the lifestyle was over 15 years ago, not this BS that people are trying to pass off now, i live it how i learned it.

          **sighs**

Wish more would understand that’s the way the lifestyle is supposed to be, it’s NOT a game, it’s not just for play, if it is then they don’t belong on lifestyle sites. Just saying.

          i’ve had all weekend long to think about how lonely it will be when He goes away, i can’t even write this without getting teary eyed because i know how i will feel, but He’s “promised” that He will come and bring me to the campsite when it’s more habitable. I don’t know how long that will take but i am determined to wait, i love this man, my heart can’t help who it loves, i tried to go to the vanilla world but that spark wasn’t there, granted the guy was nice to me but dang it’s just not the same. Knowing me and knowing what i need and when i need it like if i need a release, or an OTK spanking, a nilla just has no clue.

          There’s already a ring in a tree at the campground for a tie up for a slave,,, go figure, **raises hand** never been tied outdoors,, this would be yet another first that He will give me when the time comes, will have to find some floggers beforehand, i get all sorts of moist just thinking about it,, but gotta make sure to have the bug spray, no fun to be all bug eaten would much rather be bitten by Him! Uhmmmm wait a second,, He bites hard and leaves some serious marks too,, maybe i should rethink that remark!! LOL

Bruised boobies hurt something awful,, took a long time to heal too!!

          He’s due home today from the campsite, He’ll be exhausted no doubt after such a long drive, i wish He trusted me enough to have let me know where He lives now because He would have me as a surprise welcome home. i really wish i could cuddle up to Him and let Him come home and rest His weary bones against my nice cushy body.
Maybe someday. If only He knew how much He affects me and how much i do love Him.

Maybe someday.

   Oh how i’d forgotten what it felt like to be touched that way,, the way that just made me want to give it all over and submit to Him.

          As soon as He got here i asked Him in, and when He took a place on the sofa i curled up next to Him, oh how i’d missed that. I looked up touched His cheek where the soft beard was and is gone now looked into His eyes and told Him that i’d missed Him, He kissed me, and that’s all it took to fall back into what it was, what it had been before, what i’d been missing for so long.

          His plans are to go away, i’ll be heartbroken again, but at least this time the ending will be different.

          In a different world perhaps He wouldn't leave, perhaps in a different time W/we were meant to be together, i wish He wouldn't leave, i wish He wasn't going away so far, but i have no control over this, and am glad for the time that i will have with Him until He leaves.

          When the time comes i will be a wreck, i will cry i know this because i love this man, i will never be able to give myself to another the way that i can to Him.

   I had one of the most pleasant conversation with someone that i didn’t think i’d ever get to talk to again.

          He’s the reason i can’t be with another dom, because i don’t think that i could trust another one. I fell hard for him, we had some issues come up, and I’m sad to say that we dealt with them very differently.

          I’m so very happy to say that He’s willing to at least talk again, and see where things go.

Big step in the right direction,, I hope!

          For a change I’m going to bed a happy girl!!

          It seems funny but as soon as i take myself off the “block” for being a sub i am getting hit on more than i was before, it’s hard to say to some that i am no longer looking for a lifestyle partner because it was what i wanted for the past 15 years, but over that amount of time i have watched this lifestyle become more and more of a joke. The “Honor” the “Truth” and the “Integrity” that used to be a part of this lifestyle is GONE,, or is online anyway. These men that call themselves doms aren’t willing to prove themselves to a submissive. They want to have themselves a quick lay which is all they have been around for before, once they get what they want its poof gone, never to be heard of again. That’s what i have had to deal with here, and they wonder why i am saying so long good bye good riddance to this lifestyle?

Gee if it were done to them i would wonder how they would feel. Yet they seem to think its ok to do it to an unsuspecting submissive. Nice men we have in this lifestyle don’t we?

          i’ve decided to stay here on this website just for the sake of having friends to talk to and mentors that i speak to here now and again, but that’s it. As far as finding a suitable “Daddy Dominant” i seriously doubt that’s possible. This lifestyle has changed over the past just 15 years since i’ve been a part of it, when i first became a part of this lifestyle a Dominant didn’t LIE, a Dominant didn’t STEAL, a Dominant didn’t fake his way through just to get a piece of ass and sadly that’s what this lifestyle has become here lately.

          Not only have i been lied to, and stolen from, but i have been hit out of anger, and that’s a serious NO NO in this lifestyle, granted it was only a “slap” but when it’s full force and left welts on my hands,, all because i was being yelled at yet again and i was trying to keep from fidgeting so i stood there wringing my hands and down came the slap full force hard enough to leave welts for hours on my hands.  NO man should ever hit a woman in anger, and after my father hit me the last time i made a promise to myself never to let a man hit me in anger, that’s a large part of the reason why i am back here in NC.

          It’s also a large part of why i’ve decided to go back to dating in the vanilla world, granted no man is perfect but they don’t go out of their way to treat us like SHIT, nor do they go out of their way to hurt us, and take us for every penny we have, they work for a living not take from their girls, as it should be!

          Trust is a big one for me, as is honesty, and with those both on the line, i don’t know that i will ever be able to trust another lifestyle man again, i’ve been hurt and hurt deep. 

   Kinda nice to see CM back i think,, but then again, i don’t really know how to feel about it, this is where all the “wannabe doms” hang out to pick up the unsuspecting and over trusting subbies,, myself included.

          To be hurt by someone that we are supposed to put all our trust in, to be permanently damaged not just mentally but physically too, how are we supposed to trust again?

          I don’t think that i will ever trust another lifestyle man again, i’ve been hurt, been stolen from, been taken advantage of, you name it it’s happened to me, but mostly because i am too trusting, i allowed it to happen, i believed it when i was told that they didn't lie, i believed it when i was told they didn't need my money yet they stole from me, i believed it when they said that i was the one they were looking for.. **sighs** it hurts,,

It hurts deep,, and when i love, i love with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my being, i give all of me which is my fault. I shouldn't allow anyone to get that close. My barriers are back up, and i’ve started to date a nilla man… He’s at least honest, and not pressuring me into sex… what a change!!! 

Personal Journal

    of a

    babygirl

          today has been a very sleepy day, but no headache so that’s good, still my body is demanding that i rest, so that’s what i’ve been doing off and on, still gotta let the dawgs out!! LOL

          when they ask who let the dawgs out,, it were me!!

I’m so damned tired and can’t understand it, i do know that this recliner isn’t the best for sleep, it likes to close up on me and sometimes the mechanism doesn’t work so i have to pull it open,, damn i hate when they say that something works well and ya get it and it’s only halfway working!

          I’m looking for another chair for my room for when the kids get here so i can go into my room and sleep if i want to so they aren’t feeling like they are having to walk around on tip toe. Poor kids have had enough of that between his mother and now his father’s house, damn girlfriend makes them kids leave the room when her happy ass gets home just because she’s home, and God forbid they are sitting on the loveseat,, she stands in front of them until they get up and leave,, i would love to get her in a back alley!! Mess with my lion cub!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! 

Personal Journal

   of a

   babygirl

          Today is starting off good, two cups of coffee in and no tears!!

i may even make it out of the house today!!  That’s making progress!! LOL

That and the fact that i am totally out of soup, and crackers!! i ran out of food i can just open up a can and heat in a microwave to eat, can’t have that!

          Need to have some heat and eat kinda food, standing at the stove for me is painful, had this freaking psychologist decided that i was worthy to have this new surgery for the nerve stimulator i wouldn’t be in the amount of pain i am in, i am really starting to gain a new dislike for this psychologist that i didn’t have for her before.

          The headache from yesterday is still with me, i can only hope that it doesn’t last long and turn into a cluster headache, had i not been crying all day, i wouldn’t be going through this either, i really need to learn to get my emotions under control.

Personal Journal

 of a

 babygirl

   Today was an extremely difficult day, i cried for most of it, what i didn’t cry through i slept through. i’m so very over the tears but i can’t make them stop, i can’t will them away, i can’t make them just vanish into freaking thin air as much as i would love to do this. i’m so over being hurt, i’m so over hurting.

          If it were not for my daughters sake i would have found a way to check out of this scene already that’s just how far over it i am, if she didn’t need me to be here, and if she weren’t my main reason for keeping on, i wouldn’t be alive and i do mean that, because i am so tired of being taken for fucking granted.

          i am so tired of being torn apart when a man says he cares and walks out on me, i am so fucking hurt by all these fucking wanna be damn so called “true doms”.

          if i could find a way to get the kink out of me, i would walk away from this lifestyle but dammit i can’t so i keep looking.

          i want a Daddy, one who will nurture me, care for me, cuddle me, and yep even correct me when i need it. 

Personal Journal

   of a

   babygirl

     Been talking to a few men, one pressuring me into sex, he’s from M.B. and claims to have all these big toys and stuff, i guess that’s supposed to lure me in and make it seem like a better idea to have sex right away, i’ve tried to explain why i need time, why i want to wait, and all i get is he has needs, and he knows that i do too. i may have needs but i need to know that i will not fall into the same trap again and be hurt.

          Then there’s the local one he’s being very respectful of me needing time to heal. Time to get over the old wounds that i have and he’s willing to allow that, but today he tells me that we can’t date until his divorce is final. The ex to be is getting evil and he doesn't want to give her any ammunition to use on him so it’s back to just texting and wishing and waiting. i was getting to the point where i was almost ready to go out again for a date, just coffee, lunch or something like that.

          Why is it that men feel that all women will put out on the first time they go out with a man? What is it that makes them feel they are owed that?

Personal Journal

of a

 babygirl

     it’s been good having new people to talk to, it’s not the same as having my Daddy, i miss that dynamic, i miss having that special bond with Him that every morning and every evening time we would spend together just talking about things that happened during the day and what went on and things that we had to look forward to.

    i miss having that connection to someone that i have very strong feelings for even still.

   i miss having that time with the butterflies in my tummy when he would see me on the camera and he would be watching my every movement and i couldn’t see him because that was special i only got to see him on occasion when he felt i deserved it,, sometimes he would surprise me and i would get all giddy like a little school girl inside because i got to see Daddy on the camera.. i know to most it’s not a big deal but for me it was a big deal, this man loved my body and showed me at every chance he got how he did, he made me love my body because i have serious doubt in the fact that anyone will ever love my body again.

   i still feel that way now because i don’t think i am worthy of being loved now especially now, with everything that’s happened to me. i really don’t think that anyone will ever want me again. i feel like a throw away human being now. The sadness that i feel is overwhelming at times it’s hard to separated my feelings from the sadness.

         Personal Journal

        of a

        babygirl

   i’m feeling lost and alone most of the time now, 

          when i’m not feeling lost and alone,

          i don’t know what it is that i feel any more,

          i used to feel loved,

          that was a good feeling,

          now i don’t have that any more,

          i used to feel safe,

          now that’s gone too,

          i’m tired of being used and tossed away,

          i’m tired of being told one thing when they mean another,

          it hurts me every time and i’m tired of being that hurt little girl,

          all i asked for is to be loved, cared for, and never be lied to or hurt,

          why, why is that too much to ask for??

          i just don’t understand it at all,

          i gave all of me, all of my love, my heart, love,

          i would do anything, yet,

          here i am again, alone,

          licking my wounds, hurting,

          i thought by now that the tears would stop,

          but they haven’t i try to be brave,

          being brave just means pushing it further down,

          to ignore it for a while so i can go on with my day,

          so i can function like nothing ever happened,

          but something did happen dammit,

          why must i ignore it to make society happy?

          why must i keep quiet because society wouldn't understand?

     Personal Journal

        of a

      babygirl

          i’ve done some serious thinking, and real soul searching and i would much rather go without than to go on without the man i fell for. Some may think how stupid can i possibly be, but my heart is where it is, i even talked it over with my daughter and she’s behind me, she said “ma you can’t help who you love”  no truer words have ever been spoken. Now if only He will have me!

Personal Journal

of a

  babygirl

   Things have obviously changed, i’ll not go into why but they are changed, i have no consideration collar any longer, i have no one that i have to answer to any longer i’m very sad to say.  

   i have shed so many tears over this that one could fill a small lake, if they keep coming the way they have the lake will over flow i’m afraid. It was not my choice to end things, just the way things happen i’m afraid.

   Through many friends i have found some solace, and help with the grieving process over this, and i am trying very hard to be strong it’s just so hard when i look back and say why, i have been told it’s not for me to question why, it’s just for me to just continue down the path that i have been placed on, this is NOT the path i would have chosen, it was chosen for me, and i am hurting because of it.

   i cry daily, and often, i sobbed so hard yesterday i didn’t think it would ever stop. i am told that it will, i just don’t know how long it will take before it does. Right now all i am here for is friends.

 Personal Journal

of a

babygirl

My heart is wounded 

I am hurting

Being honest isn’t

All that sweet

As i lay sobbing

At Your feet

All You do is look

And shake no

There are no words

You will speak

I’ve never hurt this deep

Nor will i again

I’m done with it all

I’ll never look again

No one will ever care for me

I’m marked forever

I’ll never forget those words

You used on another

You said i was different

I know that’s not true

You’ll look at me the same

It hurts me so much

I’d wanted so much to be

The one You could look at

The one everyone would envy

That will never be

There’s not enough regret to express

How i feel about it all

If only i could roll back the clocks of time

If only i could, i would.

Teardrops fall, endlessly and unchecked

No one to wipe them away

Only my heart breaking more, my head hurts

Maybe someday someone will want me

Right now it feels hopeless, i feel helpless

Only time will tell, who will care for me

Personal Journal

    of

  Daddy’s NJ babygirl

         Sleeping a lot the new medication the Dr. put me on is keeping me exhausted. Just wonderful to feel like i’m finally going to get better someday. 

         It’s time to go back to sleep again, dogs were out before it started to rain again, i’ve eaten already because the new medication says i need to. 

         I’m sleepy, good night.

A Real Woman Can 

Do It All By Herself....

But A Real Man 

Won't Let Her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Men.....

You might think she wants Your car, Your money, and gifts. But the right woman wants Your time, Your smile, Your honesty, Your effort, and Your choosing to put her as a priority.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i saw these and felt hmmm,,, 

how interesting,,, 

and right on the money they were!!

Personal Journal

    of

  Daddy’s NJ babygirl

         On the way to recovery knowing what’s wrong is part of the issue. i need to get more rest than what i’ve been getting, eat better which should be interesting without money to do so. Gotta love how the state thinks that $19 will feed any one for a month, guess i’ll be doing lots of ramen noodles. Not going to worry about it because it will only harm me further.

         Positive, positive, positive, this is what i need to be. Regardless of what things turn out to be. It’s a struggle for me to remain positive i’m trying so very hard even though it’s so difficult right now, i’m still working at it because i know that it’s in my best interest to be in a more positive mood than i’ve been in.

         People come, and they go regardless of what we want; if they want to stay in your life they will. Sadly if they choose to leave your life for whatever reason it hurts, it hurts so deeply when all you want is for them is to stay with you, unfortunately you can’t make that happen if it’s not meant to be they won’t stay with you.

         i’ve done so much growing, and learning lately, and i’m trying really hard to keep on with being positive, and growing, and learning more about me, and who i am what i want out of my life.

         It seems as things change daily nothing is ever a constant, and i sometimes need that constant, i need that solid feeling, that feeling of basic reality of having someone in my life that’s going to be there day in, and day, and day out.

         i don’t think that i’m alone in that want i really don’t, some may look at me, and see needy i just look at me as being honest, i’ve always been honest about everything.                 That’s going to be my downfall, and may be my undoing it’s who i am, and who i’ll always be. 

Went back to the Dr. today because i’m still not feeling much better she told me to get better rest, they took some tests and i’ll get the results by the end of the week, not a happy lil girl right now.

Will probably be losing everything i’d been so hoping for because of this. Been crying my eyes out, it’s my problem, and i’ll learn to deal with it the best i know how to. Will probably not be back on this or any other site ever again if these test come out the way the Dr. thinks they will. I am so damned upset it’s not even funny.

Live and learn.

Personal Journal

    of

  Daddy’s NJ babygirl

   I had a really rough night last night i was up probably 3 times finally when i woke up talking to myself i gave up and got up at 5 something way too early because Daddy isn't working this weekend, and He’s sleeping in,,, lol. 

Switched to regular sugar **bleck** in my coffee because they say that artificial sweeteners don’t help my “situation” any so at this point i’m willing to do anything, going down to Walmart to the pharmacy so i can pick up another preion to help this issue, and to get some yogurt and bottled water as well.

I may even go into Smithfield to get a new water filter for my refrigerator now that i finally got it off. Daddy’s gonna be busy all day doing things for His daughter at her house so i may as well take care of things i need to do also.

Daddy made 3 paddles. ***gulps*** i only asked for the 1 so i could cover it with rabbit fur, i loves the feel of fur on my skin, i had 1 that i had made a long time ago.   Unfortunately i allowed someone to anger me to the point of throwing it and all of my beautiful floggers away. He said that because he didn't know who had used them before he wouldn't use them.

Now when i look back i think that he was just another wannabe dom and didn't know how to use a flogger that’s why he wouldn't use them, and most of them were brand new, never been used. They had all been bought from EBay just because they were pretty.

It angers me when i think back, and i realize just how much money i threw away that night. That’s a part of my past, and in time i’ll be able to replace most of the floggers.  

Only one that can't be replace because it was made for me special order by someone that i’ve no idea how to find again, and it was a beautiful white rabbit fur flogger with pearls on the handle.

There’s a group on Facebook that sells stuff locally and i found a small 3 drawer chest to put all our toys in, including rope, i’d asked Daddy when He went in search of the largest piece of rope W/we have at the house, and i asked Him if He thought W/we could fill it with toys and rope, and He answered with a smile and a Yes!!  ***smiles*** 

Personal Journal

    of

  Daddy’s NJ babygirl

       Being exhausted doesn't make for a good way journal, it leaves me open for making mistakes that i wouldn't normally make if i weren't so sleepy. Between my dogs and the neighbor’s dogs i am not getting any rest now that i have a window open and things can be heard outside. My pups woke me up before 6 this morning where i had planned on sleeping in and getting more rest because i average about 3 to 4 hours a night usually.

End Rant! LOL

         Daddy’s had me walking around the house for the past few weeks with no top on, and to be quite honest i rather like it, i do keep a robe handy for if someone happens to come to the door, barring that, i’ve been topless around the house for a while now. 

         Daddy just informed me that from now on all i’m permitted to wear until my lady parts are happy again is a pair of panties and after then it’s down to this pair of panties that i’d cut up and all there is to them is the waist band the leg bands and the front no crotch no anything else.. lol.. so it’s an almost why bother which is what i opted for today, i figured that the lady bits could use the fresh air so i’ve been nekkid all day in the house and i liked it, i do know one thing. 

         i will never let an infection of that sort get so out of hand and go two weeks before calling the Dr. it’s been a very painful lesson to learn and i’m just wondering how long it will take before things are all better again! Monday will be a week since seeing the Dr. have already had two diflucan pills and am picking up another refill tomorrow just to keep on the safe side and get it out of my system as well as yogurt and bottled water to drink.

           I’m so sleepy falling asleep as i am sitting here so going to bed now little do the dogs know that it’s going to be an early night for them also!!

Personal Journal

    of

  Daddy’s NJ babygirl

         This morning’s chat with Daddy was enlightening to say the least, it seems as though Daddy has gotten the vibe that i need more rules, to have every part of my life spelled out in black and white for me, all rules and regulations to be spelled out. This comes from the past from being punished or berated for not knowing something that i supposedly should have known and didn’t.

          It’s so very hard not to carry forward things that have happened in the past although it’s something that i need to overcome, i don’t need to have all of my day planned out for me nor to be micro managed like i see some require, that’s not to say that it’s bad for those i just don’t need it nor do i want it.

          All i would like to know is, what is it that Daddy will expect of me on a regular basis, that’s all, nothing more nothing less.

In day to day life there’s going to be in any relationship within this lifestyle a mix of vanilla and D/s, i am actually happy with the comfortable mix that’s developing between Daddy and i, He says that every nilla couple is into rope and OTK’s, and such that’s so far from the truth it’s not funny.

          When i brought up both things to my ex-husband one would have thought i had a third eye in the middle of my forehead because that’s the look he gave me, and walked away saying hell no there was no way he was doing any of that kinky stuff. So no, not all nillas have rope nor do they spank their partner. 

          Both are to me lifestyle activities, i’m not all that kinky when i think about it, i love to lie across my Daddy’s lap, and have my bottom spanked, yep, yep i do, and, i’ve found out that i really love having my girls bound up, and am learning to enjoy the pain of the slapping, and bites from Daddy along with other things that Daddy does to them.

           Both of these are wonderful lifestyle activities that Daddy and i enjoy together oh, and then there’s other things that will come no doubt, spreader bars, the riding crop, along with other goodies, and i want to show Daddy all about wax play, and how wonderful that can be, delicious to put it mildly. Never saw that in a nilla bedroom either.

            Do i like the structure of having a Daddy to send a text to when i leave the house, and tell Him where i will be when i go out, and show Him what i’ve decided to wear? Yes, yes i do. Do i need to ask for permission to go to the bathroom every time i need to throughout the day when He’s not around, and we aren't in a conversation? No, no i don’t feel the need for that, do i need Him to pick out every outfit that i wish to wear for the day? No, no i don’t that said, if He wanted to go into the closet and say i want you to wear this tonight, would i? Yes, of course, why because it would please Him for me to do so.

             All i wish to do is please Daddy by doing the things that He wishes for me to do, that’s why i’d asked about any rules He had so that i wouldn't break them, and get myself punished or disappoint Him. 

            For a babygirl disappointment of a Daddy is the worst punishment there is possible, and this babygirl’s done it already, and doesn't wish to repeat it.

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        Today things could have gone better, seeing as i am trying to start looking at things on the more positive side i’m just going to go with the fact that in three months hopefully this surgery that i’ve been hoping for will eventually be OK’d by the psychologist. Before that can happen i have to go through three months of therapy which can only help in the long run.

         i made the appointment as i should have, only to find out that the transportation people don’t go to Goldsboro except on Tuesday before 1 pm so now i have to change that appointment. YAY!!

        A nice thing did happen that made my day, when i told Daddy that i would need to speak with Him later on when He got to His daughters, He permitted me to call Him while He was working to tell Him what was going on, i know how much He dislikes tears so i was trying very hard to keep them in i just couldn't do it, and erupted in a ball of tears.

      It was awesome to hear Daddy telling me that things would be alright and to think more on the positive side of things so i started to think more positively that’s when i started to think about what i needed to do, that’s when i called the insurance company and then the psychologist.

      I fell asleep twice in my recliner this morning, cancelled out the tub people just wasn't feeling up to it, and the man on the phone was insisting that he was going to make an appointment for me right then and there and finally i just hung up on him, i got tired of hearing him being very insistent about what he was going to do.

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         Kinda bummed right now because i thought that i’d found a really reasonable place to find corsets and found one that Daddy and i both liked right off the bat, it was like kismet again with Daddy except that the dang shipping cost just as much as the corset. **sighs** 

          I’m exhausted tonight looking forward to going to sleep just as soon as this is finished that’s where my happy backside is going, speaking of backsides, Daddy said that He’s going to make 2 paddles, i’d asked for 1 so i could put rabbit fur on one side, except that Daddy wants to put holes or slots in it, when i’d asked for the paddle it was just so that i could make one like i used to have before with the rabbit fur, Daddy asked about the holes and i said no thank You and now Daddy wants to make another one with holes or slots.. me thinks me bottom is in for big trubbles… and i been such a good gurl too!!

**gulps**

          I did find a place that sells shorter shorts for my size, and the kinda tops that i would like to have, a place for the girls to rest, and shorter skirts as well, they even had really cute dresses too, and the prices aren’t bad either. The closest one is all the way in Raleigh, and right now too far for me to drive. I’ve been to these stores before just had forgotten about them because i hadn’t seen one in ages. Perhaps one of these days when Daddy isn’t over run with work He’ll be able to drive me up there to go shopping, or if not just look with me online and approve of some choices that i’ve made online so that i can start to dress in a more pleasing manner for my Daddy.

          I do so wish to be a more pleasing lil babygirl for Daddy like being still when He was nipping, and biting my nipples last night. It was the first time that the girls were bound up and, smacked, thumped, bitten, sucked it had been a while for me and, them they are still a little tender in some spots today, my badges of honor i called them when i was chatting with Daddy earlier.

         I’m falling asleep as i’m trying to write this so it must be time to go to bed. Night all… 

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        Had a pretty good day today, busy because i didn’t get a chance to lie down and take a nap before the Dr’s today and then when i got home the dogs were barking their fool heads off i got no peace whatsoever!

        I’m going to strangle the neighbors for allowing their dogs to run my yard just because the yards back up to one another.

        Looks as though the MRI situation is finally going to get resolved, the pain management Dr. has finally agreed to order it with IV sedation. I swear it seems as though they want me to have this test done, they all know how much i am fearing getting into that little tube and yet they are all acting like it’s no big deal to be in one for over 90 minutes or there about.

        That’s a long time to be in a small tight space and feel like you are in a coffin, not a good feeling, and not one i want to feel while awake!!! I left a message for the scheduler at the surgeon’s office to have it down here at home yet she scheduled it for up in Durham, i just laughed at her ignorance and told her to cancel it because it was already taken care of down here.

        It amazes me how they expect us to comply with their every wish and jump through all their hoops to get things done, yet when i leave a message very specific and direct asking for the procedure to be done here at the local hospital because it’s over a 2 hour drive one way and then back plus i have to pay $7 at least in parking that’s not tipping the kid,, it’s ridiculous! Shaking head at the stupidity of some people they give jobs!

        I have someone coming out tomorrow to give me an estimate on a walk in Jacuzzi tub, first to see if it’s at all possible to install one in my bathroom, secondly to see just how expensive they are and if i qualify for their financing program. Should be interesting to see how much they want to replace my big garden tub with one of those walk in kinds. It sure would be a lot safer on me getting in and out of it to be sure!

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   Dinner with Daddy tonight at first i was a bit tense because of the way that i tend to overthink things, in time this too shall pass. Daddy told me that i need to ponder instead of think so much, when i asked what the difference way He told me that to ponder was to just think about it and then to let it go, whereas what i do is to think something to death which for me isn’t healthy. 

When Daddy and i walked out to the cars W/we kissed and i thought that Daddy would be going home, i learned my lesson about expecting too much, or rather learned not to try to lead that’s up to Daddy to do. When He told me that He was going to follow me home He could have knocked me over with a feather right there and then, no problem!

i got the best spanking tonight it was yet another first, mind You i’ve had many spankings over the years, and tonight was the first time i actually was brought to tears. It’s not because i couldn’t handle the pain because i could that’s not it, it was the mental release i suppose that had been escaping me for so many times before and it was very cathartic. i had to lie there after Daddy finished for several minutes to regroup before W/we could continue.

Daddy showed me tonight the wonders of having my breast tied and having pain along with the binding, i can only imagine what having my nipples pierced and then having the same things done will do for me. Having angry lil lady parts still isn’t any fun for me and i’m sure it was no fun for Daddy because He couldn’t tease me or check and see just how wet i was getting from all the lovely things He was doing but i was quite wet and at one point even came shhhhh… don’t tell Daddy LOL.

It’s amazing the things that will make me cum what did it tonight was just Daddy nibbling and teasing the hell out of my ears, and my neck i’d crossed my legs and just rode out a small little o and it was a nice feeling that i got to have one even though i’m still battling the angry lil lady parts. i’m a lucky girl that i’m allowed to cum and not have to ask permission, that’s about the most aggravating thing to do when you are fixing to have an orgasm to have to think about asking for permission first.

One day i’d like to see if i can still cum from having my back tickled, touched, caressed, feather light touches, once upon a time i could it’s been a long time though.

This is the perfect way to describe the perfect profile of the perfect Daddy for me. Except i didn't write this, i just happened to find it.

One day i hope to have all of these things with my Daddy!

If you ever fall in love...

fall in love with someone who wants to know your favorite color, and just how you like your coffee.

fall in love with someone who loves the way you laugh and would do absolutely anything to hear it.

fall in love with someone who puts their head on your chest just to hear your heart beat.

fall in love with someone who kisses you in public and is proud to show you off to anyone they know.

fall in love with someone who makes you question why you were afraid to fall in love in the first place.

fall in love with someone who would never ever want to hurt you.

fall in love with someone who falls in love with your flaws and thinks you're perfect just the way you are.

fall in love with someone who thinks that you're the one they would love to wake up to each day.

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 My newest assignment for today is the most important one i've had to do, i'm to define the profile of the ideal daddy for me.  

           my perfect Daddy would be strong not just physically, also mentally He’d be someone that i could go to when i couldn't figure out how to solve a problem i’d have Him to help guide me in the right direction to find the solution to my problem. 

           His arms would be the arms i would go to when i felt i needed to be protected or just held for no particular reason at all. He would always be willing to hold me when i needed to be held.

           my perfect Daddy would be loving also not just a kiss here, and there, and not just the kind in the bedroom i want the kind of loving Daddy that will hold my hand in public, and hug me or kiss me right out in the open just because the mood hits Him to do so. i think that public displays of affection are sweet, even a swat on the bottom or a squeeze of the boobies if He feels the need arises.

            my perfect Daddy would be kind yet firm He would understand that even the best behaved babygirl’s make mistakes and, Daddy would understand that not all mistakes need to be punished, and that sometimes just the look of disappointment on her Daddy’s face or hearing from her Daddy that what she’s done has disappointed Him is punishment enough.

            That being said my perfect Daddy would punish me when i needed it so that i would learn from my mistakes so that i wouldn’t repeat them, He would always keep the punishment so that it fit the crime so to speak also.

            my perfect Daddy wouldn't be afraid to let others know that He cared for His babygirl, He would open doors for her, and help her get into the vehicle if need be; this babygirl isn't getting any younger. 

            my perfect Daddy would be for lack of a better way of putting it a Gentleman always. There’s nothing wrong with a Dominant who knows how to be a Gentleman first, it shows that He has class not just brawn.

         my perfect Daddy would also always want me to grow He would always challenge me, and expect me to always grow mentally and physically, Daddy would want me to get the proper exercise to be healthy to always take care of myself physically when it’s possible. Daddy would also want her to explore, and push my limits as much as He would push them with me.

           my perfect Daddy would always expect the very best from me at all times. I would be expected to always represent my Daddy in a positive manner by always behaving myself like a good babygirl would. my Daddy wouldn't tolerate battiness from His girl for any reason, a little playfulness yes because after all babygirl’s have to have a little play time.

           Daddy would expect me to always have a good self-image, something that i’ve struggled with previously and am learning that there are Daddy’s out there that appreciate a woman such as myself the key is to wait, and He will reveal Himself to me i need not go in search for Him.

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        Well i took myself a short nap this morning, i’m exhausted after being up all night last night with a pounding headache all because i couldn't get the gerbils to quit running through my brain, there’s a few different options that i could come up with, first one being asking first what it was that Daddy wanted me to wear for that day’s outing, another one being taking a picture in the outfit before i leave and emailing it to Daddy, after that for now my brain is at a standstill i have no other clue as to what it may be.   

        Daddy told me that it will come in time and that i won’t disappoint Him because i don’t figure it out right away so i’m going to let it go for now and just forget about it and maybe it will just come to me.

       I do so enjoy the time that i get to spend with Daddy in the mornings and in the evenings, i look forward to it every day, i reckon to a babygirl like me any time with my Daddy is like having gold in my pocket.

      Daddy is still mulling over the design of this tattoo He wants to have put on my breast, this morning He said it’s between a butterfly and a hummingbird, not sure which i would choose if i got my choice i’d like to see both designs to make a final decision.

      Right now my brain is starting to ache again and i think that i’m going to rest it again for a spell, i don’t like it when my brain gets to aching like this. I don’t like mini journals because my brain hurts except there’s not a whole lot a can to about it at this point in time.

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       While i was talking with Daddy tonight He informed me that the tat around my nipple errr rather the areola will be in color not just in black and white, so that’s one question answered. Another question answered was when Daddy will be taking me for getting my nipples done, and that’s going to be after i’m healed up and feeling better after this next surgery which makes perfect sense because they would only expect me to remove them anyway so good thinking on His part, i’m just really anxious about getting them done now that He’s decided to go ahead and do them.            When i asked about the size of the ring He told me that it would be about the size of a quarter, and i thought oh dang that’s really big, but i fished out some change from the bottom of my purse and held up a quarter to my nipple and it wasn’t that large in the grand scheme of things. My girls being the size that they are a quarter in comparison isn’t that big when i think about it. Daddy as usual is right again!!

       Daddy said that me letting Him know where i was when i left the house is a part of His normal rules for His babygirl and that i had just come to it on my own, except that there’s a second part to it and that i would figure it out in time, when the time was right, i sat there while we were talking and He could see the gerbils running around in my brain because He won’t tell me what it is, He had to tell me to stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just like that,, and now here i am again thinking about it because i can’t get it out of my brain, i asked if it was asking His permission to go out somewhere first, and He said no, that it wasn’t it.      

       Eventually it will come to me just like it naturally came to me to let Daddy know where i was at all times, i don’t ever want Daddy to worry about His babygirl that’s why i just let Him know where i am. It for some reason eases my mind when i know that i’ve done this little act of letting Daddy know where His babygirl is, and what she’s doing while she’s out of the house. 

       Maybe it’s going to be asking Daddy what i should wear when i go out, lol, i need to stop for the night, i’m going to give myself a headache thinking about this. The only hint that Daddy did give me was that i might figure it out if i were to ask other babygirl’s guess i’ll be doing that tomorrow!

      For now, i’m off to bed, dogs have been out and it’s past that time for me, got sidetracked with a phone call from a needy friend,,, argggggggggggggggggg!!!!

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     Daddy’s never given me a “set of rules” so to speak but i have just fallen into doing certain things like when i leave the house i let Daddy know where i am going, when i leave that place to go on to the next i text again, just as a courtesy as well as a safety measure so that Daddy knows where i am at all times when i’m not at home. i’m not sure why i do it or how it started it just came naturally for me to let Daddy know where His babygirl was going to be. Today it was the Dr’s and then the pharmacy and when i finally got home i let Daddy know that His babygirl was at home all safe and sound.

     i’m so very sleepy.. think that i’m going to kick back in my recliner and vegetate for a lil bit!

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   Went to sleep fairly early last night, or at least that was my intention when i went in there, i turned on my tablet started to read, and next thing i knew i was waking up so i could turn off the tablet.

          Most nights i read or i can’t sleep right, apparently last night i didn’t need any extra help on sleeping, it may have had something to do with the fact that Daddy came online for a short time last night mostly i think to eliminate my fears, He said something about needing to put my needs ahead of His own sometimes.

          I sure was worried about Daddy because He’d had a nasty migraine since Saturday, Daddy does a lot of worrying about me, and my health, fair’s fair i know that Daddy doesn’t want me fussin over Him and i won’t except that i’d sure appreciate it if He’d take something other than what He has been for His headaches. Daddy did say that He would stop by wally world today before work and hopefully will get some Excedrine Migraine to help with His headache.  

Daddy told me to start thinking about a new tattoo, one that will go around my areola and then up the breast, i’d no idea that Daddy had been thinking about that type of tattoo. Seeing how sore, and tender my breast was after just a bite by Daddy, and the size of the bruise that it left it should be rather interesting to see how this goes, but hell i’m all in, i may not make it in one sitting because of the area that we are talking about. Daddy knows that i will do my best at getting through it best i can as i try to be a good lil babygirl. I always wanna be the best babygirl that i can be to make my Daddy the proudest Daddy ever to have me as His babygirl. Guess i have some thinking and some drawing to do now, Daddy didn’t say if it was to be in color or in black n white so guess that will be the rest of the discussion for later on this evening.

     Off to the Dr. to get this issue taken care of, it’s been going on for way too long now!!

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         I found an interesting quote that hit home for me and made a lot of sense for me to share because of how on the money it is for me, and where i am in my own journey as far as finding out who i am, and what i am about. It goes like this…  

       “You can’t change what’s going on around you until you start changing what’s   going on within you.” 

       i look at the past sometimes as a crutch, sometimes as a look at what happened when, now that’s going to change, the past is just that, the past. The past with my ex-husband can’t be erased because i have the most beautiful and wonderful daughter that was from that union, as far as the rest of it, all learning and growing experiences, from which i have learned who i am, as well as who i am not. I am not a slave, nor poly, i am however a submissive, and a babygirl without my past i may not have known these things nor would i have known that i’m not a slave nor am i cut out to be in a poly home.

      i am a firm believer that we are put on paths for a reason, and we travel certain paths, and take the turns onto different paths for whatever the reason that is inside us.  My path into this lifestyle started while i was healing the first time after my first surgery i accidently found myself in a lifestyle chat room sat back and started listening about everything that they were saying, they talked about floggers, and paddles and being tied up etc, something clicked inside of me, and i noticed that there was something that clicked i had asked my ex before i ever found this room about tying me up and well he just thought i was weird, so i let it go. The more i revisited this room, and listened the more i found out that i was connecting to the things that they were talking about. When i heard one of the submissive women talking about being spanked, i thought oh dear Lord, i’ve found my niche this was something else that i wanted.

      July will be fifteen years since i started looking into that first chat room, it was an eye opener to be sure, did i regret it, no not once did i ever regret my choice to keep going once i found out about this lifestyle because it’s where i feel like i fit in. Did i regret some of my choices, maybe yes i did at the time i did regret them. Without those choices i wouldn't have made it to where i am now so in the end nope, i don’t regret any of the choices that i’ve made overall, because without those choices i wouldn't have ever have met my Daddy!!!

       Daddy said that we can go out for dinner sometime this week because things are still not right with my lil lady parts. I’m calling the Dr. tomorrow to get it checked out it seems that things have turned into a yeast infection *frowns* am not a happy babygirl, not at all! The last thing i want to do is put my “stuff” up onto the table and bare it all just because i have a dang yeast infection now, arggggggg!!!

      i’m going to go to bed now because i’m exhausted as i was up at 3:15 AM, i’ve only had a few cat naps throughout the day because i just couldn't stay awake anymore. Time to go set the coffee pot and then it’s off to the bed i go.

****kisses to my Daddy****

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   It’s a wonderful feeling to start making new friends in this new group on another site where the people aren’t so, backbiting about our choices of lifestyles. I do believe that Daddy and i have found a group that we will feel at home and welcomed, already have friend requests from a babygirl and her Daddy, just waiting on my Daddy to accept her Daddy so that i in turn can accept and so on,,, lol,,, protocols and stuff,, to keep us babygirl’s safe n sound dontcha know!

          Whispers_babygrl and i seem to have quite a bit in common as does my Daddy and her Daddy as they are both Southern Gentlemen Dominant’s, ifin Daddy and i get to go to this gathering i do believe that friendships will ensue.

          It will be the first outing that Daddy and i will attend together and it’s even a play party too, another first other than being waxed years ago this would be a first time for me to have my Daddy playing with me in a public play area. It’s kinda scary but it excites me as well, before it was always a trust issue i was never with someone i felt had enough experience that i could trust him with playing in public.   

Trust is a huge part of our lifestyle and it’s funny how sometimes you can just feel that you can trust someone without really knowing them all that long. I trust Daddy with all my heart not to harm me, never to hurt me, only to push my limits.

Daddy knows how much i fear the razor strop, that’s one of the punishments for truly poor behavior, the thing is that Daddy has come up with another punishment that equals the strop and is not corporal punishment at all. If it is ever to be used it will be because i have totally disrespected Daddy in some way or another and Daddy told me that punishment would be to for a babygirl not to be permitted to shave, at all, including legs, underarms, and nether regions, which means that Daddy would be too disgusted to think about touching her. The entire time that this punishment was to last she would be reminded that she had disappointed her Daddy in whatever way because her hair would be a constant reminder, not all punishments need to be corporal to hurt deeply. Needless to say that i’ve been extremely careful about how i write my journals, what i say in them, and how i say it even though i may be extremely excited and overcome with happiness i’ve been very careful about how i express that happiness. I don’t wish to endure that punishment, no thank you very much!

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   Not a good day didn't get much Daddy time and i am worried about Him, He’s got a nasty headache, and i know just how bad they can be i hate that i am so far from Him and i can't do anything to help Him when He doesn't feel well. It’s so irritating because i am a nurturing kinda babygirl it’s who i yam, not much that can do to change it inside of me i'm a born worry wart and when i don’t get to see Daddy at all for the whole day it’s just arggggggggggg,,,, so,,, so,,, i just wanna get in my van and go find my Daddy and make it all better, it’s so hard not to sit n cry about it, that’s the old me, the new me is trying to be more positive and thinking that tomorrow Daddy will be back to normal and all will be right with the world again!

          Still thinking about my nipples, lol and the new adornments they may be getting, it’s so hard to believe that i am the same person that was the there’s no way in hell that anyone is ever going to do that to my girls, to,,,, **please***,,,,, ***please***   i,,  ***really***,,,, ***really***,  want it done because they kinda feel nekkid without some sort of adornment and demit i can’t get anything to stay where i put it!

          The whole idea excites me, it almost has me bouncing in my seat with excitement, it’s going to suck because i realize that the girls won’t have any play time because of the piercing and they will need to heal before they will be alright to play.

That’s the only down part to it. 

Not too bad considering where my brain was when i first thought about the whole process.

          There will be another adornment later on down the line and i was told that all will eventually be connected which sorta gave me some really sweet dreams for my nap earlier today. It’s been about all i’ve been able to think about since Daddy mentioned it to me.

          I’ll be so danged happy when my lil lady parts are happy again, really this is just getting to be too much, i don't know why or what i did to deserve this much pain in my lil lady parts, i'm at my wits end as to what to do about making it better, outside of going to a Dr. which i really don't want to do, if things don't get better soon and i mean real soon i suppose i won't have much choice except to go to the Dr. and bare it all, red and angry as it is, i wanted to go out and mow the lawn today except that i didn't think that sitting on a mower and sweating would make things feel any better than they do, so i sorta nixed the idea of mowing for the day, hopefully things will start to feel better real soon! 

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           Wow what a nap,, it’s been a very long time since i’ve slept that long during the day, i think i actually got about four unbroken good solid hours of sleep in. Guess that my body is making up for lost time. It has a way of doing that on occasion when i’ve just gone so long without good sleep my body will just konk out and say enough is enough.

          The last thing i was thinking about was something that Daddy had said to me this morning about the nipple rings being attached to my collar eventually and then to the other ring making a continuous circle. This was the first time that a collar was mentioned as well as having anything attached to the collar. That was the last image that was going through my head as i went to sleep and i think i liked it. Well no, i don’t have to think on it, i know that i liked the idea, of being Daddy’s from now and forever. Wearing His collar proudly as i would the rest of the adornments that He requires and enjoys seeing on His babygirl.  I already look at myself as His babygirl and think of myself as His, i’ve looked at no other, i want no other, Daddy is all i want, He is the whole package as far as i’m concerned He makes my heart and other parts very happy.. lol.. i know it’s not all about the sex it’s about so much more, how compatible we are out of that room as well. That seems to be the difficult part of our journey, finding the time to do things in the outside world because of Daddy’s work schedule it’s been so dang difficult.

          The other night i took Daddy out for dinner just as a simple repayment and a little bit of me time after purchasing a lawnmower. We had a nice dinner at a pizza place it was unhurried we got to talk a bit enjoy one another’s time and a nice kiss good night before He headed His way and i headed mine. Hopefully there’s going to be more times like that in our future where we will get to spend time together, just maybe more of it, i made mentioned to Daddy about going to flea markets, and there’s a nice one in Raleigh that i’d love to take one to take Daddy to it’s going to have to wait until after this next surgery so that i can walk the flea market it’s a really big one.

          This surgery has gotten pushed further and further back because of one reason or another, look as though my daughter will be home before i finally get it done which means easier recovery for me because i have the dogs that still need to go in and out get fed etc, for the first few days at home no doubt the bending to feed them will not be something that’s going to be on my have to do list.  She’s been with me for every other surgery why not this one. I reckon that Daddy will make an appearance to check in on me to see how i’m doing too. Daddy had made mention about having to fight the dogs for the sofa so He could be here for me, and now well as much as i’d love for Him to be here He won’t need to fight the dogs for the sofa. LOL.

          Daddy went to the tattoo parlor tonight to see some of the rings they got in, i’m getting excited because my girls are so excited when i use my jewelry but i can’t keep them on which is about to drive me insane because i don’t want to lose another set and get punished again. That was no fun, no fun, no fun at all!

What kind of babygirl are you?

You are sweet, and quiet. You do what Daddy says and may be a little bit of a bookworm. One of your favorite activities is cuddling, and you're a little bit of a romantic. Daddy enjoys being around you because you always do what you're told and you're forever grateful and appreciative. Daddy loves you more than he could ever express. You believe that you two will grow old together. You and your Daddy may enjoy: Watching movies, cuddling, going out with friends, and listening or playing your favorite music.

i dislike very strongly the way that this journal cuts up my text!!!

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!

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          Feeling excited today because my new/used mower got here today, one less thing that i need to ask help for from the church. Sometime at the end of this month my daughter will be home with her fiancé they will be a huge help around the house to be sure!

          On a lifestyle note, Daddy and i think that W/we may have found a group that interests both of us and will hopefully be able to go to a play party soon because Daddy thinks that i need as He put it “Socialization” i just call it “play time” **giggles** i’m all for play time with my Daddy!

          In one of my journals i’d made mention of being spanked at a play party, i’m hopeful that this may soon happen only time will tell, i am hopeful though! Not just for the play time with Daddy am i hopeful, meeting new people and making friends in the same lifestyle would be amazing.

          The only reason that i’ve never gone out to any of the group meetings from around the area is that i live another 40 minutes away from where they hold all of the group meetings, and i have an issue driving that far to begin with, then a lot of things are in the evenings and i have an even harder time driving at night when it’s dark, so i just don't go to the meetings, and who would want to go alone?

          Now i don't have to go alone and that makes this lil babygirl a very happy girl! Now i have a Daddy that is showing an interest in me, and helping to show me where i have room to grow, what things i need to work on, and teaching me how to truly enjoy my time with Him.

          Before it was all about hurry up get rocks off and that was it, that’s all in my past, never again will i allow myself to be treated in such a way, regardless of how things work out on my journey with Daddy because nothing is set in stone as of yet, i can hope with every fiber of my being, that doesn't make it so, until i am His forever, and always i have to understand that there’s always a chance that things will not be in my favor, until then, and for right now Daddy is taking His time to show me all about traveling down a road, and taking O/our journey together, learning all the nuances about what my body has in store for it, i am learning what makes Daddy feel good and what He doesn't like.

          Just as Daddy is learning what it is about me that makes me go wild, and want

more of the same. It seems as soon as that switch was flipped inside of me things have just gone wild, i’ve turned into a simple wild child to put it simply, the things that were an oh “hell NO way” are a “oh YES PLEASE” now, just wish that i understood better myself, either way i’ll take it regardless.

          No matter what, i know that Daddy will keep me safe, i know that when Daddy takes me to O/our first play time together i’ll be safe, and not have a worry about anything or anybody else. There’s not a doubt in my mind that i won’t be either far from Daddy’s sight or His side the entire evening if W/we do get to go to this play party.         

          Nothing could make a babygirl feel safer than having her Daddy’s watchful eye or hands maybe even a leash on her the entire time they are out together.

          It feels really wonderful to know that i will be watched like a hawk where some may not like that sort of watchful eye, and hand, i for one am glad to know that someone cares enough about me to keep me that close, and safe from harm.

          There’s nothing about being Daddy’s babygirl that i don't enjoy, He makes me feel so secure and deeply happy within myself, i’m learning that i make me happy although i enjoy a man’s company and body next to mine i enjoy the feelings that a man can only give to me i know that they are not in charge of my happiness.

          It’s taken me a long time to come to these understandings, to come to the grips of reality that i make my own happiness, not any man even though i love to have them around me, i am a sexual being after all, that being said they still are not in charge of my happiness, i am.

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          In as much as the coconut oil was soothing feeling for the first few days it felt really wonderful for those couple of days, unfortunately now my lil lady parts are just as angry and mad as when i first started. So it’s back to square one again, it woke me up this moanin hurting and i stumbled my way to the bathroom and sat down thinking oh hell’s bells Daddy was just telling me of the next move in the rope journey because i had said that i wanted to play with more rope and i wanted it in more extremes that i’d seen in the videos, and Daddy told me all about how He would take and run to ropes the next time through and around my body, that was enough to get me all excited i was all a twitter! There seems to be only one problem, my body won’t cooperate it seems, and it’s gotten me all kinds of irritated along with my lil lady parts! My lil lady parts aren’t very happy in that they are so very unhappy right now.. square one all over again!      

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           Got to buy dinner for Daddy this evening, He came all the way after work to Coats to look at a mower for me because i know less than nothing about mowers.  

He said it was a first for Him, which made me feel extremely special, as i got to do something for Daddy that no one else has either bothered to, or wanted to do something as simple as buying a man dinner, but this isn’t just any man, He’s my Daddy!

           As special as Daddy makes me feel, it’s the very least that i can do buying Him a meal now and again for helping me out when He does something awesome!

Daddy may not look on this as something special, as for me i do because it’s something that i couldn't do alone, i couldn't get down on the ground to look under the deck to see that the blades were good or in good shape, i would have to had taken their word for it, and i’ve had to learn that not everyone is as good as their word, i however am because i don’t believe in lying, i don’t believe in fabricating truth or any other such fabrication of truths.

           I reckon that Daddy got a kick outta reading my other journal from earlier today because i went from “no way” to “can’t wait” about the nipple piercing… lol.. i think it’s been said somewhere that it’s a woman’s prerogative to change her mind? Isn’t that written somewhere?

           If it’s not already, it should be, because a woman should have the right to change her mind of course, **wicked evil grin** and yesh i do likes the way that the nipple jewelry feels when i have it on my nipples, it excites me, and my lil lady parts are in a constant state of arousal when i have them on my nipples, the only draw-back is getting them to stay on while i am out and about running around and doing things that need to be done.

            Luckily i didn't lose the second set because i certainly didn’t wish to repeat the punishment again, i didn't like that at all, not involved with my switch that had been flipped, i enjoyed it when Daddy was the one inflicting the pain, not me having to do it to myself, there’s no fun involved for either of us, Daddy doesn't like having me self-correct for something like being careless and losing my jewelry, and i didn't enjoy it either.

                              Sleepy, i am going to get some much needed rest.

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          Daddy told me when i did my assignment on losing my nipple jewelry that i had made, i neglected to explain i was also punished for doing so.

          Daddy had me bind my girls up good n tight with the ropes for the first time all by myself, and then after sitting for a good long while Daddy instructed me to go, and fetch the riding crop, and the electric fly swatter; which for those of you who don’t know what it looks like, it’s a big almost like a tennis racket looking thing.

          When i came back and got situated Daddy instructed me to smack my left breast with the crop, and then the right one with the electric fly swatter, now i’ve never done self-inflicted pain before and just as a FYI i don’t like it one bit!

          The crop came down exactly on top of the bruise that had been healing, which in turn made the bruise get all sorts of angry again, i should have aimed better except being that i’m right handed and where the bruise is already it was almost impossible for me not to hit that spot. The other breast got two pops because i couldn’t get the right leverage with the swatter thingy and hit it like i was told to and i wanted to do exactly as instructed to do. Again, not into self-inflicted pain, nuh huh, don’t enjoy it, don’t like it, and don’t want to repeat it. Just saying!

          Had i not thought ahead of time i probably would have lost my new ones today, i’m so happy that i wore a tank top under my t-shirt, and tucked it in because i can’t make them so tight that the tip of my nipple turns purple as i will damage the nerves so i make it tight enough to stay on there for quite some time as today proved.

          I’d gone to the dentist then to check out a riding mower, and all the way home before they had finally fallen off, and had i not tucked in my tank i could have lost them somewhere on today’s errands. So very glad i’d thought ahead, and tucked in that tank top!

It will be easier when they are pierced to be sure! Am not trying to push the journey faster than Daddy’s ready for it to go, was just saying it would be easier is all. Didn’t want that comment to be taken as me trying to lead O/our journey, as i yam not, i yam a very good lil babygirl and patient too !!!!

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        My next assignment came to me because i was talking to Daddy about His smoking, He’s had several heart attacks and i worry about His decision to smoke, but it is as He put it, “His chosen addiction”, and i am to research the theory of my personal addictions and how they are formed and chosen.

         At first i didn't think that i had any addictions until Daddy pointed out one of mine, that addiction is the fact that i crave pleasuring Him with my mouth, as i write this my mouth is watering just thinking about it, i enjoy the feeling of having Daddy in my mouth, that’s “my chosen addiction” to be sure because when He said to me that He would test the fact that i said i didn't have any addictions, with not allowing me to pleasure Him i all but burst into tears right there and then because that to me is punishment, Daddy said it would hurt Him more than it would hurt me, i’m not quite sold on that statement because i can cum just by giving my Daddy oral pleasure or as W/we have started to call it “Daddy Play Time” because it’s Not a “job” to this babygirl, it is her pleasure, or rather her “addiction”.

          Another one of my “chosen addictions is very quickly becoming rope”, i love rope, i love the feel of it, i love the tightness of it on my breasts as Daddy binds them tightly up for His viewing and play pleasure, but my pleasure is the switch being flipped yet again, when Daddy takes my girls in His hands and holds them lovingly and binds them up so that they stand out tall and straight for Him, at least 8 or 9 inches, my girls will enter the room well before i do. My next rope play i’d like to have is between my legs like i’ve seen on some of the videos, to have the rope teasing my lil lady bits and making them all happy, oh yes i can see this becoming my next addition to be sure.

           Now that i’ve learned that my body does  “squirting is another of my chosen addictions” to be sure because it’s about the best way a woman can cum, to cum so hard that the liquids just shoot out of my body, oh yes, and this is yet another chosen addiction. I enjoy being able to cum that hard that i can squirt, i was quite honestly mortified the first time it happened to me because i didn't know what had happened, i thought i had peed the bed to be truthful, when i found out that i hadn't peed the bed, and actually cum so hard that i shot the cum out of my body that hard i was amazed i really didn't know that women were capable of doing such a thing and now that i know i want to be able to cum that way all the time,, ok i know it’s not always possible because of time constraints, anytime it’s possible it’s my favorite way to cum to be sure!!!

           I reckon that if i were to be totally honest “being just plain ole sexual, would be my chosen addiction” because i am a very sexual being, i love sex, i want it, gotta have it, need it, want it all the time, so yep, that’s mine, mine, mine!!!!

           Well those are just the few that i can think of right now because i’m sleepy and need to get my happy backside to bed. 

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          Not sure what happened to this morning’s Journal except that i’m really irritated because i didn't save it.  

          It was about how very happy i am lately, when i said to Daddy that He makes me happy, He quickly corrected me this evening, telling me that all He’s done is to guide me into the direction that He felt that i should be going.

          He’s right of course, and i just now realized that He’s not responsible for my happiness, although He is responsible for a great deal of the awakening that has happened in my life as of late.   i cry when i am happy because it’s just an outlet for my happiness, and Daddy said to me that He hates to make me cry, what He didn't understand was that they were happy tears, yes babygirl’s are complex creatures. We cry when we are sad, and when we are happy, so if Your babygirl is anything like this one, be prepared for the weepy’s that’s what my Daddy calls them when i start to leak from the eyeballs for no apparent reason except that i am happy, or sad.

          i’m really starting to understand what a complicated babygirl i really am, even though complicated, i am worthy of being loved and cherished, i’ve learned that this body i’m in is one that not everyone will look at in disgust but that some will look at it with lust in their eyes.

          Being complicated has its good points, and it has its bad points one just has to look for another who will want to cherish and love the babygirl in question.

          Right now i’m on a journey with my Daddy, W/we don’t know where this journey will lead us yet there’s no way to know where W/we will end up, it could be that W/we end up as just friends or a whole lot more. Personally i’m really hoping for the whole lot more because there’s so much about my Daddy that i really find so very exciting. He’s taken the time to explore with me places inside of me, which i didn't know existed.

          Daddy flipped the switch as i keep calling it, He’s found inside of me the pain=pleasure switch that i never knew was there. Daddy guided me towards how to explore it on my own, which i did by self-binding my breast which over four days turned into me wanting more. That’s when Daddy first came over with the ropes and bound the girls, i wanted it tighter but didn't speak up, i should have, and i’m learning to finally ask for what it is that i want.

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          It’s been a while since my Daddy has assigned me a specific journal post to make, today is different because i was careless and lost the nipple jewelry that i made in honor of my Daddy because i know how much He enjoys my breasts and i realize that He likes the way they look adorned with pretty things which is why i’d made the jewelry in the first place. Daddy had me post a picture of them for all to see as well as a part of this assignment.

          I’m not positive how it happened other than my top had been pulled down one time too many and it pulled the jewelry off my nipples and i didn't realize it until i’d gotten home and went to take them off.

          Needless to say that i was horrified because i’d made them special for my Daddy to enjoy looking at, because my nipples aren't pierced yet and it’s the best that i can do for now.

          Being so very proud of the job that i had done brought me great pleasure because Daddy told me how much He’d liked them. In making them i’d used Swarovski crystals which don’t come cheap for the bottom dangle and i only have one more so it’s not possible to replace the set, i will make something else instead unfortunately it’s not the same as the first set. Daddy said something to me that rang very true concerning this especially He said that “I realize a virgin never forgets her first” in this instance He was referring to the nipple jewelry because i’d made a comment about replacing them with something else but it wouldn't be the same, and that i was very upset with myself over losing them in the first place.

          Maybe Daddy will like them too. If i have to tie this set on and double knot them on i will not lose them, no way no how will i lose them never ever again. It just makes me so very angry that i lost something that meant so dang much to me and all i could think about was getting home in time to talk to Daddy on the computer. Guess i should have taken more time and been more careful instead of being in such a rush to get home, perhaps i wouldn't have lost them in the end after all.

          Just so aggravated with myself over this!!!

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       Going out of the house with my new nipple jewelry for the first time, no bra, no panties, what has my Daddy done to the good little girl.. LOL

      Not sure but i think i loves this one!!!

      Am starting to really look forward to getting my nipples pierced now, i like the feeling of having these on my nipples!

      Heck i may even post a picture!!

**smiles**

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           Today’s coffee was good up until Daddy and i started talking about His medications or the lack there of. It all started because i had almost forgotten to take my meds and i asked Daddy if He was supposed to be on any medications on a regular basis, and He said yes but that He’d run out a while ago and that they were too expensive to begin with.

           Lord knows that medication is expensive but if i had a chance i bet i could at least find a way to help Him with that issue. Talking with the Dr. to ask if there’s a medication that’s lower in cost could solve the issue, butt Daddy would has to get an appointment that’s convenient because of His work schedule.

          Now i don’t want Daddy to think that i am trying to push my way into His business it’s just the little worry wart inside me that rears her ugly little head, but there can’t be anything wrong with wishing that one’s Daddy would take better care of Himself, just like He would want me to care for myself.

          i’m not a betting babygirl, butt i’d almost be willing to make a bet that if Daddy caught wind of me not taking care of myself and not taking my medications like i’m supposed to i’d catch all kinds of heck for it, more than likely i’d have a red bottom for it and not a good kind either.   L 

          It’s just that this babygirl gets concerned about the people who capture my heart, and dang it all if Daddy hasn’t done just that, He’s gotten my heart hook line and sinker!!!

          Dr’s really screw up people’s lives, they want them to make appointments but won’t keep evening hours or even weekend hours even once a month to accommodate the working public.

          With me it’s never an issue i don’t have a life is what i tell the girls at the Dr’s office because i don’t work, so they make my appointments for whenever, well except early in the morning, i don’t do mornings i tell them.

          Next thing i knew Daddy started talking about when it was His time for eternal rest that God would take Him, and i got all sorts of weepy, i wanna have my time wiff my Daddy i don’t want Him to talk like that, i got’s a lot’s more things i wanna learn from my Daddy a fore Him goes anywhere.

          All’s i can hope for is that my Daddy’s and my journey continues on the path that it’s on, that W/we both continue to enjoy one another’s company and that the good Lord sees fit to allow me to have my Daddy for a very long time. Because that’s what i would like, now i know that we don’t always get what we want but i’ve had a lifetime of disappointments and i think it’s about time for me to be allowed to have someone good in my life, someone who cares for me, and who will like me just for me, not for what i can give to them, and my Daddy fits that bill!!

          *****sighs*****

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          It’s so sweet how Daddy is concerned for my well-being, when i was telling Daddy about being excited about getting my nipples pierced, He said that there was a complication, and that W/we probably wouldn't be getting them done.  When i asked Him why He said that the needle was metal, so i had to explain to Him that it’s just things that stay inside my body for any amount of time, like staples after a surgery, or stainless steel screws that they think everyone’s body can handle, mine can’t i can take gold or titanium, but the fact that the needle passes thru the skin then the jewelry replaces it, it should be fine.

         Another case of Daddy caring for my body is that i went overboard trying to make sure to get every hair, stubble etc. in my nether regions, and because of it i can barely sit long enough to get this done. Daddy said no shaving for a week, and no it’s not a punishment, but a reprieve for my body while i find another solution until i can save up the money for electrolysis, or see about waxing but if i had my choice i would choose the electrolysis and not have to keep going back once it’s done. Not being a hairy woman to begin with hopefully it won’t cost an arm and leg to have it done.

         Daddy’s not the only one who cares, i care deeply for my Daddy, so deeply that it damn near hurts when i start to think about Him having to leave me here when He goes away for His next job. It’s not something that i want to think about so i put it on the back burner and see what will happen next for U/us.

         Daddy told me tonight that He had an earache, and i went into mommy mode, it’s normal for me because of my daughter and having earaches all her childhood. LOL but that’s how i care for my Daddy i want to be there for Him, in every way possible, not just for nekkid coffee in the moanins, but for those times that He comes Home and aches and needs someone to rub His legs because He’s run up and down four flights of stairs 80 times in the day, there’s nothing that says that Daddy’s have the corner on caring, babygirl’s are allowed to care for their Daddy’s as well! This is what i want to be able to do, care for my Daddy, love Him in every way, physically, mentally, emotionally, if O/our journey progresses the way that i hope that it does, i will be able to do all of these things eventually for my Daddy, in time.             Time is what this journey is about, taking time to learn about the things we need to know about one another that we didn't know before.

        So far Daddy has uncovered more about me because i seem to be the one with all the hidden secrets. Like the switch inside of me that has been flipped, the one that is letting me enjoy that pain=pleasure side that i didn't know i had.

        I knew about liking floggers because of the way they thump on my back and feel almost like a massage to me, but that’s not really pain to me, i also knew about the fact that i loved hot wax but again not pain to me, now to have my nipples bit, and bit hard enough to leave bruises, makes me feel that switch flicker up and down this makes me weak in the knees, when Daddy’s sucking on them so hard that i yelp out from it also makes it hard to remain standing at the time. 

        Now to have them bound to the point of the beautiful color purple that i was so afraid of when i first saw the pictures of others, again this makes me weak in the knees, it makes me feel things that i’ve never felt before.

       Daddy said that next comes some pain with the binding, from what i’ve seen on the videos that i’ve seen that means some slapping, and pinching, and whatever else Daddy can, and will dream up, and i am so excited to see what these things will be.

       Daddy’s going slowly with me down the pain pathway, and for that i am grateful because it’s all so very new to me.  

       Daddy doesn't want to harm me, just hurt me a little, and i’ve found out that there’s a wonderful difference between the two

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         I do so love talking with my Daddy in the mornings, it’s O/our special time together, there were a few days a little while ago that Daddy was going in at an uber early hour and there was no way for me to have my morning chat with Him.

       Even though it seems like something very little to some, to this babygirl it is very near and dear to this girls heart spending those few hours with her Daddy before work.

       Every morning i get up toss the dogs outside feed them, put down fresh water feed the cat start a fire and get the coffee going if i forgot to start it the night before.

       Getting to start the day with my Daddy means the most to me, it means that my Daddy cares deeply for me because He chooses to spend His coffee time with me, even though i’m not nekkid because it’s chilly inside this house still, i bring the girls out so that Daddy has His morning look see and i do try to send Daddy off with a good day kiss from the girls too!

**smiles wickedly**

       Maybe one day Daddy and i will get to have nekkid coffee together!!! That’s what i'm looking forward to most, out of all the things that W/we could do together is having nekkid coffee wiff my Daddy!! I wanna sits next to my Daddy and drinks my coffee wiff my Daddy wiff da girls hangin about so’s Daddy can kiss and fondle em before work so’s He can go off to work and think about my girls all day. Yep Yep Yep dats what i wanna do!!

***nods***

        When Daddy comes home from work all i wanna do is hop onto His lap and kiss Him all over His face, cuz i missed Him all day long. Daddy tells me about work something that i enjoy hearing, i like learning about what it is that my Daddy does during the day because i don’t work so i get to learn about Daddy’s job and i enjoy every minute of it too!

       Today i am gonna take a nap, and after a nap i think i’m gonna go looking through my beads to see if i can find more beads to make new nipple jewelry with to show Daddy later. Making Daddy pleased by doing something so simple makes me so very happy, i told Daddy that i was the queen of crafting and that i could figure out some way to make something to put on my nipples to create a lanyard sort of feeling it can be tightened but not so tight that i can’t wear it throughout the whole day.

        When i go to the Dentist on Thursday Daddy instructed me to wear my new jewelry to the dentist so that my nipples are aroused and rubbing against my top while i am out for the day, i’m sitting here thinking about it and squirming just thinking about it.

        One day Daddy will take me shopping for new clothes because my clothes aren't exactly up to what Daddy feels are to His standards of showing off my body, Daddy wants my skirts shorter to show thigh and well my tops to be cut much lower than they are as of right now. Going shopping with my Daddy will be an experience to be sure, Daddy carrying my panties, lol so’s i has to ask Him for them so’s i can try something on, oh yesh it will be a fun shopping trip.

         Daddy’s even said something about me being allowed to give Him pleasure in a fitting room i think that may be more fun than the shopping trip in itself. Then there’s the toy shopping trip that Daddy has planned too, oh my goodness that involves a long coat, will have to get one of those first! LOL

        Babygirl can only imagine what Daddy has planned for her on that trip. 

***big smiles***

      It’s nap time for this babygirl she’s sleepy, taking muscle relaxers makes her very sleepy.

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  Daddy’s NJ babygirl

         Daddy came home from a weekend with His daughters and seemed to be rested and in really good spirits!!!

         Apparently i did real good today making my own nipple jewelry because Daddy wanted me to have something to wear sort of like a rubber band but they were so harsh it was all i could do to have them on for just a few minutes, but while cruising thru the nipple jewelry on some of the sites i saw what looked like a black O ring made of rubber with a metal piece of jewelry slid onto it so that it could be tightened down onto the nipple. It came to me that i could make something similar to that with the elastic cording that i have and some beads and a few crystals. So about twenty minutes later i figured out the first one and got it on, it stayed put when i put it on, and i started on the second one. So now i have a pair of pretty little nipple adornments and they may not be as perfect as store bought but hey i can at least wear them without having any issues!.

          When i sent Daddy the pictures of me wearing them i asked if i deserved a reward, and His answer was yes i did, 

**puffs up her chest like a proud peacock**

          Daddy also informed me that He liked my story and that in time my wishes of being put on display for all to see while being spanked would come true, i think i must have turned four different shades of red when He said that but Daddy said that it was just my normal shade of red that i was turning, lol. 

          i am learning that i am a desirable woman, no matter my size i am still desirable and am learning to appreciate it. 

          Daddy also mentioned taking me to a strip club to show me how many heads would turn to show me exactly how many men really do want me, butt that’s not necessary because the only man that counts already has me, and has shown me what a beautiful butterfly i really am

***shakes out her butterfly wings***

          Before i wouldn't have gone to a lifestyle club and let anyone touch me because i was afraid to trust anyone, now that i have someone that i trust with my life, my being, my soul i would be honored to go to a dungeon with my Daddy i would be the proudest girl there to walk in on His arm to let Him disrobe me in front of everyone there and not bat an eyelash, i just hope that when the time comes i can make Him as proud of me as i am of Him, that’s all i have wanted all along is to be the girl that He’s been looking for all along.

           In so far as we are on this journey, i’m feeling very positive about where this journey is taking U/us, so far there have been switches flipped on inside of me that i don't want turned off, i’ve found out that i like the feeling of rope binding my girls up, and i want it tighter than the first time Daddy did it, was just a little afraid to speak up and say what i needed at that point, but am learning that it’s alright for a babygirl to speak up and tell her Daddy what it is that she needs so long as she does so with respect of course. 

           The wannabe’s had me thinking that it wasn’t allowed for a subbie to speak up ever she was just to take whatever they felt like handing out and that was the end of that, and Daddy had finally gotten through to me that it’s OK for a babygirl to say respectfully of course that something is amiss or what have you.

           Daddy made a comment tonight that i had to ask for clarification on, He said that it was nice to be with a virgin, or something to that effect. He meant that i have no preconceived notions about what a D/s relationship should be like because of never really being in one longer than a few weeks before they would bail on me for no apparent reason. 

            It is nice to be in this new relationship with my Daddy learning all that i am with Him, and about Him, and myself through His help, and guidance. 

           Without Daddy’s guidance i would still be a self-hating bitter woman, and instead i am getting ready to learn to fly, all because of Daddy, and something that i said in my journal to make Him stop watching me and get Him to talk to me instead!

That was a very happy day for me!!!

Personal Journal

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  Daddy’s NJ babygirl

          Having only been at play parties as a spectator there was always that want inside of me to be on the cross, or the spanking bench for all to see, but i’d never been with anyone that i’d trusted enough to take me to that point of my submission, and to be very truthful i don’t think that i was there mentally yet either.

          I was very embarrassed about my body even though there were bigger girls there walking about in all states of undress. It was in my head, i started to get somewhat more comfortable with it when an ex and i went to a lifestyle beach trip and all the women walked around in nothing but sarongs if that much. I even got up the nerve to play that weekend and it was wonderful.

          Daddy’s teaching me that i have a beautiful body and that it’s desirable i’m coming out of my cocoon shaking out my wings and showing off what beautiful wings they are.

          What i’d like is to be taken to a play party on my Daddy’s arm for the very first time to have my very first public spanking, i’ve never let that happen before because i just didn't trust anyone else to do anything like that with me.

          Before we even got there Daddy would put my butt plug in because there would be other males there at the party of course, and that’s one of my Daddy’s rules for me being out in the world with other males i’m to always wear a butt plug.

          Daddy even promised me a pretty one with a jewel in it for special occasions. When Daddy and i are driving to the venue He’s telling me that He’s going to give me the spanking that i deserve and that i’d better be a good little girl and behave myself and take what He dishes out to me. Daddy also tells me that if for any reason i misbehave for any reason i will be punished right there on the spot because He has the razor strop in the truck, which makes me get quite a bit nervous because i don’t like that thing one bit and i know that Daddy wouldn’t hesitate to use it if He felt the need to do so.

          I got real quiet for the rest of the trip because i was worried that i would misbehave, Daddy pulled over to the side of the road, turned towards me and put a finger under my chin and tells me that He thinks that i’ll do just fine, just stay by His side at all times unless directed otherwise or unless i ask to be excused and all will be fine, and stop my worrying. I smile a weak smile for my Daddy and tell Him that i’ll try my best to be a good babygirl, He smiles at me and says to me that’s all He asks is that i do my best.

           We continue to the party, and when we get there Daddy opens my door taking my hand and leads me into the party. We are shown around a bit, to the common areas where there are people still in street clothes because one can see into the home, and then to the outside smoking area, more for Daddy because i don’t smoke any longer, but no doubt at some point He’ll be needing a smoke. 

          Then we are shown to the play area where Daddy takes my coat from me leaving me naked for the very first time in front of this many people, i feel the color rise in my cheeks but   Daddy holds my hand and tells me that i look beautiful which of course makes me smile and blush more.

           I love to hear my Daddy tell me how beautiful i look, it makes me blush because it makes me feel wonderful about myself, something that’s almost 50 years in the making. 

           Daddy and i stroll about the play area and watch some of the other scenes that are going on i am more interested in a flogging because it feels so good on my back but Daddy and i haven’t gotten any floggers yet so that will have to wait till another time. There’s someone on the spanking bench when we get there but that’s OK for me i’d much rather wait a little bit before getting right into it, and besides Daddy’s going to bind my boobies up to make my spanking so much better for me.

            Daddy sat down and took a pillow placed it in front of Him, and had me kneel in front of Him, Daddy opened up His bag and took out His rope, and started to bind my girls nice and tight making me squirm as He tightened the ropes which earned me a nice sound slap to each of the girls to make me be still. Bowing my head because Daddy had to correct me for not being still, and already i felt bad because i had such high hopes that i could behave without being corrected, and had blown it already.                  From that point on i remained completely still all the while Daddy was binding the girls up, this was the tightest that He’s ever done them and they were standing straight out in front of me roughly about 8 to 9 inches would be a good guess. My girls will be entering into any room before i did, and they feel wonderful all bound up like this, nice and tight.

             It’s so hard to be still while Daddy is finishing up binding the girls, the tightness makes me want to squirm and move about, it was all i could do not to climb onto Daddy’s lap and ride Daddy’s leg and make myself cum that’s how extremely horny Daddy makes me when He touches me, and even more so when my girls are bound tight, they are turning a lovely shade of purple now and all i can think of is my spanking and feeling the thud of Daddy’s hand coming down on my bare backside.                    Just thinking about being there in front of my Daddy with Him looking at me like i am the most beautiful woman on earth makes me want to cry from sheer joy because no one has ever looked at me the way that Daddy does. He puts a finger under my chin and tips it up and tells me that i did a good job, and that He knows it’s hard to be still when i’m being excited this way.

              Daddy helps me up and leads me to the spanking bench which had become empty while Daddy was binding my breast.  Daddy helps me to get situated onto the bench He puts cuffs onto my wrists and clips them to the front of the bench and does the same to my ankles which makes it so that i couldn't move if i wanted to and i’m left feeling very vulnerable while lying there, and Daddy senses it i think because He comes over and started to caress my back and leaned down to tell me that everything would be alright, all i had to remember was that i have my safewords and that i may use them if i feel like i have to, even here. I nod letting Daddy know that i understand and that i am OK, just nervous is all.

              Daddy heads down to my backside and starts to spanking me that is what we were here for after all. Daddy starts off slowly and then increases the tempo as He goes. The first few blows kind of smart because they were harder than i had expected Daddy to start off with butt He did tell me that He went easy on me when He gave me my very first OTK spanking and that the next time He wouldn't be so easy on me.  Daddy was proving to be as good as His word with this spanking as it was about the hardest one that i’d ever endured so far.

               Daddy stopped for a second and caressed my backside tapped my pretty little butt plug making me moan because He knows how much i love the feeling of having something in my bottom, He thumped it harder and even pushed it in further making me squirm against the bench, then the spanking started again but not with Daddy’s hand it seems as though Daddy took the riding crop from my house or had gotten His own either way it was raining down slaps on my already burning bottom and all i could do is grit my teeth and take what Daddy was offering at the moment.

               Daddy stopped came around to my girls, and started tweaking my nipples getting them good, and hard then He put a nipple clamp on each of them. Daddy started to add small amounts of weights to each breast slowly making me breathe in sharply as it was the first time He’d ever put weights on them, with them hanging down the way they were it was a perfect way to start because of my metal allergy, and this way there was no way the metal could touch my skin.

              Daddy went back to spanking my already red bottom starting off slowly with a soft swirl of His hand in between and then another slap building up harder and harder all the while tapping my jeweled butt plug with the other hand making me grown and wiggle against it, after Daddy had warmed up my bottom again the riding crop came back into play which made me yelp out a few times in pain because there’s a few spots that Daddy had hit the same dang spot over and over again, making that spot so sore that when He hit it with the crop i yelped i couldn't help it. Up to that point i’d been very good about being quiet and good.

              Daddy stopped came to my head to ask if i was OK, and i told Him that i was OK just that one spot was really sore so He put His hand back there and pressed to see where and found it right away because i winced and shut my eyes with a tear springing out so fast i couldn't help it, Daddy asked me if i wanted to stop, and i said no that i didn't, He pet my face and told me how proud He was of me and kneeled down adding more weights to each of my breast, making me suck in a deep breath but it felt so good, Daddy waited a few moments to see that i was OK with the added weight and so far it felt really good.

              Back to the spanking Daddy went but the riding crop was replaced with His hand again, Daddy avoided that spot because it had started to seriously bruise by this time and He didn't wish to break my skin just give me a good sound paddling that i wasn't soon to forget. Daddy stopped just long enough to reach into His bag for something that again i had no idea about and suddenly i felt a sound thump of a paddle on my backside and then another thump and again, this continued for some time making my backside good and tender, then Daddy turned the paddle over and caressed my very warm bottom with the other side of the paddle because it was covered with rabbit fur, it cooled off the burn of the spanking but just the top burn not the deep down inside my bottom burn that i was feeling. I’m not sure when it happened but i’d gone to my happy place again and was completely gone, Daddy knew this by the way that i was breathing, and smiling when He was petting my bottom with the rabbit fur paddle.

                Daddy started to take off the weights slowly so that it wasn't a huge shock to the girls all at once, once they were off the nipple clamps came off next, Daddy rubbed the girls making them feel better. Daddy unhooked my wrists and ankles put a blanket over me and helped me to my feet. Daddy led me to one of the couches and settled me down for a few minutes while He went back to clean off the bench for the next person, usually for the babygirl to do but after this babygirl’s first time she just wasn't ready for cleaning yet. Daddy is a Gentleman after all and isn't one of those hard nose Dom’s that would make His girl do it regardless of her needing to have a few minutes of down time first.

              When Daddy was finished He came over and undid the binds on the girls which felt good but kinda hurt too, hard to explain the sensation Daddy rubbed them bringing the blood back to them and making them feel better, He took each one in His hands and massaged them getting them from purple back to flesh color again, He even took them in His mouth and sucked the nipple bringing it back to attention again.

            After some much needed cuddle time Daddy brought out the sarong He found for me and wrapped me in it, Daddy took my hand and led me to the public areas where the food was, Daddy got me something to drink and a little bit to eat. We sat down out in the smoking area so Daddy could have a smoke, i ate the little bit of food and drank the juice Daddy found for me while Daddy smoked His cigarette, it was really hard not to be on cloud nine still butt i knew that Daddy had to work the next day and we couldn't stay real late and still had a drive to go, i was just on cloud nine being with my Daddy.

           This may be lightweight for some but for me, well it’s what i want to do.

No post yesterday because the neighbors kids have the flu and she asked me to sit with them when she went to the store for water, hours later and a car full of groceries she came back, had i known, i would have said no because i didn't need to get sick right now, just wish people would do what they say they are going to do and that's it. 

So now i am sick, got a headache, all i want to do is sleep.

Daddy gave me an assignment but gave me a reprieve for yesterday, started to try working on it today but not doing so well, can't keep my thoughts straight.

May have to ask for another reprieve because i don't like to do things half way.

Personal Journal

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  Daddy’s NJ babygirl

          Daddy and i had a pretty intense discussion nowhere near long enough considering the topic but it was pretty intense. The topic being where this journey is headed, i’ve become extremely attached to my Daddy, butt there’s so much more to be explored on this journey before He and i can say that this is a forever thing, which is what both He and i are after.

          Physically W/we are compatible without a doubt, Daddy enjoys my body and i enjoy His, that’s not an issue whatsoever.

          Enter the mind, we need to see if our minds are compatible as well, because let’s face it, a relationship is not all about just what happens in the bedroom.

         Things that happen in the bedroom are actually a small amount of what happens in a relationship, there’s small talk about how one another’s day had gone, there’s more deep conversations that may arise say something about the house that needs to be fixed etc… 

         There’s just so many things that make up a good and loving relationship that i truly do understand why Daddy is wanting to show me the journey and how to enjoy exploring the nuances about one another.

         Daddy is working dang near round the clock trying to make His deadline for this job, i am a born worry wart it’s kinda who i yam, and i yam so worried about Daddy.           Worrying is a part of what i do when it cums to my Daddy. Daddy runs all day long up and down stairs and it’s so not good for His legs and i are so worried about Him, i’m actually glad that He’s taking a weekend to see His family this weekend, hopefully he’ll be able to get just a lil bit of rest after His meeting in Atlanta tomorrow.

         I are hoping to maybe have a lil bit of time with my Daddy next weekend, i are keeping my fingers crossed and am hoping that Daddy will have the time to spare because it will do Him and me some good to be together. It’s not about me trying to rush the issue, it’s about me being very curious about who Daddy is inside and if i fit inside His bubble so to speak.

         Daddy said something that hit home to me tonight, He knows me so well He knows me and how i feel about needing to be wanted, needing to be loved, and that’s what i’ve been after for so damn long, yes, i want to be loved and needed, but now i want to be wanted and be needed by the right person, finally and forever! I can only hope that i meet up to and that when it’s all said and done, Daddy and i are as wonderful together as W/we have been in my dreams.

         It’s really bizarre because when i was napping earlier today i woke up somewhat startled but remembered the dream that woke me, and reached up to check my breast to see if it had been just a dream, the dream went like this, Daddy took me by the hand and told me “come on W/we are getting you pierced today” and at that point i woke up with a tingling feeling in my chest sort of. The really odd part was when i told Daddy about the dream He told me that He’d called just today and asked some questions about the piercings and how long it would take to get the titanium rings in after they were in fact ordered. So i’m thinking it must be kismet, because i’ve never had something like this happen before, where i’m thinking about something at the very same time that another person in this instance my Daddy was thinking about the very same thing.

         Daddy has also decided that because my nipples are a good size they will handle a double piercing so i made a comment chris-cross meaning one horizontal and the other vertical but then Daddy said that He feels that they would look good in an X better.. should be interesting to get used to, i liked the idea of the one, but now am having to wrap my brain around a double set of rings on the girls.

          It’s all a part of the journey and i’m down with it, W/we of course are going to do one set of rings first let the girls get used to them, and go from there, no way could they all be done at once because the girls would be in so much pain that it would be incredible. There would be no touching them i would imagine, lol… and well they love to be touched!!!

         Well i am getting tired, so am going to sleep. 

Personal Journal

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  Daddy’s NJ babygirl

          Daddy wanted His babygirl to go over His rules for her that He’s set forth so far, this all came about because of a new punishment that Daddy’s thought of which she’d much rather not go into.

          It’s a punishment that she personally would rather have the razor strop and that’s something that she got as a child and makes her just about cry thinking about it, but Daddy’s new punishment is far worse in her opinion, it’s pretty much two punishments for the price of one, butt it’s Daddy’s job to correct a naughty baby girl when she needs it.

          1.   Never ever is Daddy’s babygirl to speak poorly about herself, she’s not to                   refer to herself again as broken or any such negative wording.

          2.   Daddy’s babygirl is also to find a better way to apologize for something                       that i’ve done wrong, Daddy says that “i’m sorry” has lost its meaning and                 that she’s never to use it again.

          3.   Never is Daddy’s babygirl to disrespect her Daddy in any way.

          4.   No pouting is allowed, ever by a babygirl!!!

          5.   A good babygirl is to be clean shaven at all times.

          6.   There’s not to be any play time without asking Daddy first.

          7.   Never ever am i allowed to wear a bra or panties?

          8.   When Daddy finds one that He likes for his babygirl she will wear a butt                        plug while out in public.

          So far these are the only rules that Daddy has imposed upon this babygirl.

Daddy did tell her that she’d guessed correctly about there being more rules when He and she were to be apart because of Daddy’s work.

Of course Daddy didn't share any of the new rules yet, those won’t be shared until Daddy’s gone off to work.

Personal Journal

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  Daddy’s NJ babygirl

          Next assignment is a lot harder than the previous because i’ve never been asked before to go all the time without undergarments, so the of this assignment is joys of no panties, lol,, so for me it’s getting used to the ooh just got caught on the corner of a pair of jeans,, or something very much like that, but i am very quickly getting used to the no panty rule. The no bra thing is going to be interesting when the weather breaks and i want to wear a lot less clothing than i am now, but for now it’s really not been an issue because of wearing long sleeve t-shirts and a jacket or a sweater because it’s chilly still outside, butt when the weather breaks and i have to put away all the big over-sized shirts and sweaters things should get interesting because it’s not easy for me to hide the fact that i am walking about without a bra on with the girls and the way they hang low and wobble to and fro… lol….

          I actually to the pair of panties that Daddy caught me in when W/we went to dinner and cut the crotch out of them, and the backside of them too.. couldn't make them into a thong because they aren't designed that way, but all that’s left to them is the front and the waist band and leg holes, i had planned on taking a picture for Daddy to show Him because He likes His girls arse. When Daddy finally came home i was able to send Him the pictures thru Yahoo IM,, dang G mail wouldn't allow them to go i don’t know why butt it’s all solved now!

          Daddy actually really liked the new “panty” idea i came up with that i think i may see if i have any more that i can cut up and make like that pair so that i has more than one pair because He wants me to wear them for my next OTK spanking and maybe some Daddy play time, that’s the new term that i came up with for what the big girls call a
“job” i don’t looks at it like it’s a job, because it’s fun for me, and very enjoyable for my Daddy so it’s now Daddy play time, and His babygirls body is His playpen, all His, no one else
s! I am extremely pleased with that thought to be quite honest, i don’t need anyone else to look after this lil girl because Daddy does a wonderful job all by Himself. He keeps this lil girl very happy indeed!!!!

          Well all except for His new punishment idea, butt i have to remember all the “no no’s so that i don’t do anything to get myself into trouble wiff Daddy because it’s not just one punishment, it’s two. A babygirl may not think that’s fair, butt i also been told that’s where a babygirl goes to get cotton candy too.. so guess it doesn’t much matter what w think, it’s just a matter of me following the rules, plain and simple. Still going thru all of O/our old chats trying to find them all so’s i don’t miss none of em,, cuz it would be my luck that the one that i miss would be the one would foul me up and get me into trouble.

          I are berry sleepy now am going to bed now, will finish looking for them other rules tomorrow.

Personal Journal

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  Daddy’s NJ babygirl

          This assignment is somewhat foreign to me as i have never really been really fond of a long distance relationship, but what is going to happen because of my Daddy’s work is that He may well have to pick up and take off for another part of the East coast somewhere, which means for us, a long distance relationship but ours has started off more on the traditional side. 

          So i was asked how I would work on making my feelings towards a LDR work better.

         Having our relationship starting off on the more traditional way helps me deal with the LDR much better because i would feel more secure in knowing that Daddy cared for me, and that Daddy would be coming home to see me and to spend time with me when He got the time off.

       There’s always the internet, and spending time together as much of it as possible before Daddy works, and when He comes home of course, and then there’s the assignments that Daddy gives me, it’s not just busy work, it’s so that Daddy has better insight to who i am, and i’ve learned quite a bit about myself doing these assignments as well. Along with my assignments i do sometimes submit to Daddy a private Journal that’s for Daddy’s eyes only, and when the time comes there will be a lot more of those because i want Daddy to know everything that His babygirl is thinking, feeling and wanting while He’s away, and that’s the purpose for my personal Journals to my Daddy.

       Spending quality time together when Daddy came home would be another way to make it work and not just locked up in the bedroom, there’s so much more to a relationship than what happens in the bedroom, long leisurely lunches where we could talk about things that happened while He was gone, and when it’s possible for me to travel to see Him or even sometimes go along with Him perhaps that’s even a possibility. Almost like a trucker taking His wife with Him on the road, butt Daddy’s not a trucker! Then when Daddy came home i could greet Him with a nice hot cup of coffee, and me!!

 **smiles** 

       When my daughter gets home and gets situated with a job, her fiancé gets started in school to get his GED and they get back on their feet then i wouldn't feel bad about letting the kids take over while Daddy took me someplace that i’ve never been to before for a while, so that i could be with Him and He could do His job and i could take care of Daddy’s needs.

       No doubt there would be more rules set down by Daddy for this babygirl to make certain that she’s always safe at all times and doing exactly as she’s supposed to be doing. Right now she doesn't have that many rules but she’s got a feeling that may change when and if Daddy has to leave her for a long time.

       I think that’s about all that this lil girl can think of right now hopefully she got most of the good things that will help to keep O/our relationship growing and this baby girl growing within this relationship as well.

Personal Journal

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  Daddy’s NJ babygirl

          Going shopping with Daddy is going to be extremely interesting because all undergarments are forbidden, and one can’t try on certain clothing without let’s say panties, i ran into this issue yesterday because when Daddy first told me that bras were a no no, i didn't understand that all undergarments were a no no. so i had been wearing my panties all along and when Daddy and i went to dinner is when i found out about the panties issue i quickly told Daddy that it was a misunderstanding and it was understood now and all was forgiven.

          So yesterday i was out at the store and was looking at the shorts knowing that i needed some new ones, but remembered that i had on no panties and in fact the rubbing was well making me excited and there’s no way i could try on clothes without undies. Lol

Last night when Daddy and i were talking on Yahoo i asked Him if He would hold my panties so that when i went into the dressing room i could ask Him,,, “ Daddy may i please have my panties so i can try these on?”  and He said sure He would and He would even walk around the store holding said G-string, lol i’ve never worn a G-string in my life butt apparently i’ll be wearing one at least to try on clothes!

          Daddy loves to tease me about things that just make me turn beet red while on camera which is something that i think pleases Him, i think that He loves to make me turn red and see me get embarrassed at things.

          Last night it was seeing me turn red at the bullet bras that Daddy said that He would compromise with me on because there’s times that i need to be able to wear one. When i saw those bras i was really red, i looked at myself on the camera and i was about as red as my bathrobe is. Lol Daddy said that those bras will make my girls stand up about 9 inches,, i was flabbergasted when He said that,, i really didn’t think that was possible, they will enter a room before i do!!

          When Daddy showed me one of these bras i started searching because i kinda liked them, they are very old fashioned looking, kinda hard to find in my size but it can be done.

          i’ve also started looking for new sundresses to wear without a bra but it’s difficult to find in my size one that’s going to be flattering, and sorta keep the girls where they need to be. I tried a dress on yesterday at the store and it looked terrible because it was one of those very high waist dresses and my girls had nowhere to sit so the dress didn't make the cut. i’ve no issue following Daddy’s rules, butt i still want to look nice while doing it. Being a good representation of Daddy is key and looking good while i am out with Him is part of representing Daddy in a good light, that’s part of my job as His babygirl after all.

          I look forward to the day that Daddy says to me come one W/we are going shopping, that’s going to be a fun, embarrassing, and possibly even humbling day for this babygirl, it could even be humiliating i won’t know what Daddy will have up His sleeve for me that day but no doubt i’ll enjoy it, i’ll do whatever i’m told to with a smile on my face and grace in my heart because i know that Daddy would never harm me.

          These are all things that i’m learning that come along with being a good Daddy’s girl.  I’m doing my best at taking each day slowly, one day at a time learning each lesson that Daddy has for me to learn slowly taking my time on this journey that i’ve never been on before but it’s all a learning experience for me, i’m learning more about my own body than i’ve ever known before, i’m learning to listen better each time Daddy speaks to me because there’s always a message and most times it’s so subtle that it’s easy to miss, and yes i’ve missed a few times already, butt am learning to listen better, i do hate to displease Daddy it hurts Him, and it hurts me, so i don’t want to do it if i can help it anymore.

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          i’m maintaining a more positive attitude since Daddy started guiding me towards the new me, and you know what, it feels good to be positive it feels really good to be happy, it feels good to be me!

          It’s only taken me forty something years to learn that it’s OK to be me, i’ve been OK in this skin, but wasn't always happy with it, now i’m happy with it and that’s a major breakthrough for me.

          Learning about who i am deep down not just on the surface has been difficult and a serious journey that will continue until the day that i am no longer walking this earth. 

          i look in the mirror now and can actually smile at myself regardless of the stretch marks, i earned them, and i gave birth to a beautiful daughter almost 27 years ago so they are a part of who i am.

         my boobs hang low they wobble to and fro,, can i tie em in a knot or tie em in a bow? No but Daddy is going to have a whole lot of fun tying them up in knots and bows! LOL… rope is my friend!!

         my butt is a very spankable size, for some it’s too big, but for my Daddy He had no problem whatsoever spanking it over His knees just fine, so it’s not that big!! LOL

        my face, well i’ve been told that i don’t look like i’m about to be 50 come June, but i am so maybe it’s living honestly, by that i mean that i tell the truth, i don’t lie, if         You don’t want to hear the correct answer don’t ask me because i will tell the truth, because lying is just too hard to keep up with!

        i’m all about trying to keep things real, being as real as possible, i don’t go around putting on airs and trying to be someone who i’m not, i’ve never believed in it, and don’t ever think that i will. There’s just no sense in trying to be who you really aren't inside because sooner or later the real you will show up, if you choose it or not.

       This journey that my Daddy has started me on is a discovery of not just who i am, but who we are together, i’m learning about Him as well, no one’s ever taken the time to get to know me so this is all so new to me, before it’s always been all about what could be gotten from me as fast as it could be gotten. 

       It’s kinda funny because even when i had it in my profile that i wanted to become friends first and then see where things went from there the ones that contacted me were all about meeting, and how fast could we get into the bedroom, pretty pathetic if you were to ask me. 

      Butt i’m not going to get negative here, i refuse to, i’ve come too far to back slide now and get negative again, i just flat out refuse to.

      Good things are starting to happen to and with me, just today i was given a wonderful recliner that i’ve been searching for to make my life easier especially after this next surgery, getting up and down from the sofa was killing my back where as this recliner is perfect and the people who had it even delivered it all for the very low low price of $ 25 dollars! i’ve been looking for a recliner since i came back to NC was given a double one but as soon as i sat in it and opened it the thing never closed!!!!  LOL

        Butt now i am a very happy lil girl and it’s sitting close to the fireplace too!!! It even lays all the way flat so if i wanna go to sleep in it, i can!! i am a happy young lady, to be sure!

        It’s that time, my eyes are sleepy, time for all lil girls to go to bed.

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  Daddy’s NJ babygirl

My next assignment is to find out if in fact when there is a pain=pleasure switch, and it’s flipped on inside a person, or if they already have it on, does the body crave more pain as their limits are reached?

          With me i’ve noticed that the answer is a resounding oh yes, for example Daddy wanted me to get used to having my breast being bound before He started with rope. Together W/we figured that hair scrunchies might be a good place to start, the first day they seemed tight and then they were very suddenly very pleasant. 

         At that point Daddy told me to put another twist in the scrunchie, i kinda have to giggle at that now because of how big my girls are there’s no way that i could have possibly gotten a hair scrunchie around my girls twice, but what i did do was tie a small knot in the scrunchie so that it was in fact smaller than when i had started.             That worked for a day, it gave me a good feeling it sent the twinges down to my lil lady parts that had me all a twitter.

        The next day i had gone to the store and gotten some smaller hair scrunchies, i put them on along with the original one with the knot in it so i had worked up to the three on my breast and i felt like i still wanted to get them tighter, Daddy wanted me to enjoy the purple feeling that i’d seen and thought hurt so terribly in pictures, but Daddy assured me that it wasn't as bad as i’d thought so i pressed on, keeping moving forward towards that goal.

        With every time i did it i noticed that my lil lady parts would get more and more excited every time. I started to feel like i would come undone if i didn't get some sort of release, this was at the point that i had gotten the girls a beautiful shade of purple, i was taking pictures with every session to show Daddy the progress, and now when i look back at them i can’t believe that it only took me about 4 days total twice a day to get them that color and to feel like i really was so excited that i wanted to have Daddy give me release.

        The last time i self-bound was the same day that i had been given an order to play alone, because Daddy knew how badly i needed the release, and to be quite honest the first time i did it wasn't all that wonderful, now that i understand the pain=pleasure switch has been flipped inside of me better i know why the first time wasn't that good. 

         My girls were pretty much aching for some play and Daddy had me stop for several days because He knew that they needed the rest, but i asked if i could bind them, and about halfway into getting them bound i started to feel my switch being played with, by time i had my girls all the way bound i was so needy i would have resorted to begging if i had to in order to be allowed to play again, luckily i didn't need to resort to begging because Daddy understood the switch much better than i did at that time of course and allowed me to release myself again. Where the first time wasn't good the second time was so much better, i didn't want to stop.

        Just the other night Daddy gave me my first OTK, and i was in a very happy place at some point, His work hardened hands on my bare bottom felt wonderful, i didn't want it to stop even when He hit in the same spot more than a few times, it was a beautiful feeling to be across Daddy’s lap very intimate very loving i guess would be another word to use for how i felt. 

         Daddy not being sure of my pain tolerance didn't wish to push it too far so He stopped when He felt that i’d had enough, i was in a very happy place so it was good for me, but yes i would have taken more and could have.

        Daddy and i kissed for a few moments and then we went into the bedroom where my breast were bound with rope for the first time, again to a very happy place i started to go, now thinking back i wish i had asked for them to be tighter because i would have been in pain=pleasure heaven.

        So in answer to the original assignment, i do think that there will be a constant exploration of the situation, definitely not a bad thing at all because it will give U/us new things to explore and do together.

       One thing that i wish to show my Daddy is hot wax because it’s something that i enjoy immensely and that He is curious about.  Although i don’t find that wax is especially painful as much as sensual it’s still something that both of us have in common.

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  Daddy’s NJ babygirl

          Daddy and i are on a journey together and i’ve made some mistakes that i wish that i could take back 100 times over, butt what babygirl in a relationship hasn't made a mistake that she wished she could have a do over? 

        I’m not going into the specifics of the mistakes because that’s just being negative, and part of my new journey with Daddy is to be a more positive me.  What i will say is that with each one of these mistakes large or small Daddy points out the wrong doing, tells me how it could have been done better and tells me to go forward from there and do better.

         Another Dominant friend told me that if my Daddy didn't choose to punish me for whatever reason, that it’s not my job to punish myself, and that i should stop self-inflicting punishments where my Daddy had decided that there was to be no punishment at all in the first place. The actual punishment was in this case knowing that i had displeased Daddy, for this babygirl that’s got to be the biggest letdown of all to know that i’d caused Him some sort of turmoil and that’s so hard for me to deal with.

         I am learning through my mistakes, if i wasn't that would be a huge issue because that is just a lost cause because who would want to be with someone who doesn't learn from their mistakes.

        I am growing in this journey, and am enjoying the process, i just need to sit back and relax a little more where i have a habit of pushing forward too fast.

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  Daddy’s NJ babygirl

           Well as far as being allowed to help Daddy,, lol that’s a nope,, so, just going to take it one day at a time, i realized that last post looked silly and it was.

           I always have to need to feel wanted for whatever reason, and i need to learn to just take what life has to offer me one day at a time, and stop trying to put myself into situations that i don’t belong in.

          Domestic slave is one of those positions that i don’t belong in, so i won’t try to put myself into that slot again. If i am ever asked for help then it will be given with the love and grace that i have in my heart. Until then, i am not going to try to put myself into positions that i’m not needed in.

          Sometimes it takes a brick falling on my head for me to wake up and smell the roses. This is one of those times.

          One day at a time, going to start to listen more carefully and pay attention, try to have more patience and just be an all-around better babygirl.

          No one’s ever taken the time to show me these things before, and it helps me to develop into a good babygirl for my Daddy which is all i wanna be.

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Daddy’s NJ girl

          My new assignment is to explain who i was previously and who i’ve become since my journey has begun with my Daddy.

          Before i only identified as a submissive even though i spent almost 3 years as someone’s slave it’s not what i truly identified as, it’s what they wanted, and i was too happy to conform to their ways so i just went along with it.

          When i got back to NC soil i said that there were two things that i wouldn't do again, the first was poly, and the second was being a slave, because the person that i was with took everything from me, put me into debt etc. So it gave me a very poor taste in my mouth towards that part of this lifestyle. Previously i was becoming more, and more bitter with every wannabe, and so called “real Dom” that crossed my path just so they could get a piece of tail. Who wouldn't?

          Now i’ve gotten a good look at those experiences as learning tools, literally tools, meaning the men that got what they wanted and split without ever looking back.

          But seriously, now i don’t really see myself as so much as a submissive but more like a babygirl, i’ve always had a fascination with that dynamic and never had anyone who was a Daddy until now.

          i’ve also discovered that there is a pain = pleasure button inside of me somewhere and that Daddy switched it on when He instructed me to start binding my own breast so that when He was to start it wouldn't hurt, but be pleasurable. After the first initial four days of constant binding my breast twice a day trying to get it tighter each time the squirming started, and now i can’t even get the binds on without the squirming starting.

          i almost resorted to begging Daddy had He not allowed me to play with myself the other day because i was so horny from the pain, that i really needed a release and i needed it so badly. So along with the baby girl i guess there is a slutty subbie because there’s noting that Daddy will ask me that i won’t attempt to do to please Him, i may not be able to achieve whatever it is that Daddy asks for whatever reason, but i sure am going to try by hook or by crook i will give it my best baby girl try to do exactly as i am asked to do because that’s what all good lil girls do, to avoid the strop at least!

          Now i know that Daddy’s sometimes have to discipline their babygirl’s, and it hurts the Daddy more than it hurts the babygirl. Knowing this means that if i am to be disciplined by Daddy no matter if i have earned the razor Strop   **shudders** or a spoon or what have you, i will take the discipline with the same grace and love that it is being given, because i know that if i have done something to earn it, it’s my job to suck it up and deal with it and get it over with, not to try and talk my way out of it, because i know that Daddy is a fair and good man, Daddy would never punish me without a reason to do so because He gets no pleasure from it.

         There have been others that have suggested to me about body modification and i was like oh hell no, but with my Daddy it’s an OH HELL YES,, i didn't even need to think about it, i asked a few questions because of being allergic to metals and being that i can have titanium Daddy’s going to have His tattoo woman get it special ordered for me, and a small gauge too because Daddy says that my lil lady parts are small and delicate like a flower, and the jewelry should be just as pretty.            Daddy want’s to have my nipples pierced too, also something i had always been against because of the horror stories that i’d heard about the loss of feeling, and sensation to the nipples because of the piercing but with the binding that Daddy loves to do my nipples have started to become more sensitive already, i can only imagine when Daddy starts doing it Himself.

          Even the OTK that Daddy was describing to me sounded so good i started to squirm in my seat because i was getting excited, Daddy has flipped a switch that turned his babygirl into a subbie slut who likes some pain too now. There are so very many things that are firsts for her since meeting my Daddy that kinda blows His mind butt it’s true, no one’s ever wanted to stick around long enough to bring out all these parts inside of me. No one’s ever pushed her boundaries to see how far she would go with her limits, no one’s ever bound her even though she’s asked them to. There’s been more than one that she’s asked to tie her up and have their way with her and they just didn't stick around long enough to do anything but get what they came for, and leave when they did. That part of her life is gone, this is a whole new chapter in her life, one with positive thoughts, and feelings. This babygirl only wants good things in her life gone are the days of the negative posts, that girl is gone, she’s gone forever!

 This is a whole new chapter one with her Daddy!

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  Daddy’s NJ babygirl

          My very first entry of my new profile, my Daddy made me the happiest baby girl in the world today because when i asked about changing my name on here He was all for it, Daddy said that He was waiting for me to ask about it because of it being a new chapter in my life. 

          Along with the new chapter of my life a new name made sense to me so i asked if it would be alright, and Daddy agreed to the change. He made me a very, very happy baby girl this morning when He told me that it would be alright.

          The new chapter in my life means learning about new things, finding out that pain=pleasure is one of the things that i am learning about, and i like it. Daddy flipped a switch and i’m finding that i love that new feeling inside of me, and this is just the beginning, i’m so very excited to find out all the things that Daddy has in store for me as his babygirl.

          Daddy is a Southern Gentleman Dominant but every bit the Dominant as i have found out the hard way, He is tough on me when i need it but so very loving when i need that also. He is all the wonderful things in a Dominant that i’d been looking for and hadn't known that i’d wanted. I think that Daddy needs me just as much as i need Him, i think together W/we will make a wonderful team, just like any Daddy and babygirl should.