been sick. 

back

kinda

Birthdays have a way of getting one thinking, don't they?  i was wondering what my life would have been like if i had found out i was a sub in my teens, or early 20's... rather than only a few years ago.

Got married on my 20th Birthday..  and found out he was cheating 6 mos later... 

Got married again a 2nd time  11 years later.....   and it was much worse, but all and all we were together for almost 15 years...

i look back now...  and i can see the mistakes.  i am a sub.. yet with these 2.. i was never...ever... willingly their sub..  NEVER.  

Though i may not have ruled,  submission to them was never something that i voluntarily gave.

Would it have helped...  if they knew how to be Dominant, and inspire the submission that i found later in life?  Would it have helped, if i had found out about my submissive side prior to meeting them.. so the D/s relationship could have developed?

Its an interesting thing to ponder, isnt it?

Then.. i turn around, and i see these 18 and 20' year olds on here.. claiming to be Dominant, or submissive..   and it just boggles my mind.  They are so young... i remember myself back then.. and think.. how could they possiibly KNOW what they are..  they are just confusing  Dominant/submissive   or Top/bottom..

Days like this make me wish i was a Domme.... sure could use a house boy.

imagine a world without subs...  that's almost as bad as a world without bacon 

Why even have a world then?

it has occurred to me, that BDSM is a much healthier lifestyle when one is sick.  Once one can get over the mental factor... there is so much more than one can do with BDSM that doe not require sex...

i was thinking...  which, admiittedly, is a very dangerous thing for a subbie to be doin.

There is something much more powerful, about serving a Dom that does not NEED serving.

Bitebitebite... ... is "I love you" in Shark

Recent events have had me pondering.  Someone asked... bout the end of the world coming..  what are You going to do?

i think, dont know for sure, that he was hopin  that the answer would be.. "ill just fuck, and fuck, and have session after session with anyone/everyone that i can.. so i can experience it all before it ends"

and indeed, it  is tempting to say that, isn't it?

But, i stopped to really think about that.  why would i want to fill my last days with meaningless sex?   It might feel good, and get me off.. but 5 minutes later i would be unsatisified,  i would be lost, and searching for something more

If i could not be engaged with someone i call Master, then i would  much rather connect with friends, yes.. even ones that i only know online.

 engage them in a shared fantasy...  even it it was not "real"..  than have a meaningless session in real life.

Makes me wonder now, if i CAN just have meaningless sessions.. one that just feel good, but wont progress. 

Had a dream about being abducted by a Llama rancher during my visit to Ireland.  Somewhere in there i was tied up on the stone alter type thingy in New Grange.

Bet it has something to do w/ Kinky Irishmen.   

Have You ever just KNOWN you were meant to be somewhere else?

The time is now... the need is great.  Who will stand up.. or kneel down and answer my call to  Bare Arms!!!  (and legs, and nipples, and pussies)

DEVIANT HIKERS UNITE!!!

i was looking thru a list of limits and fetishes... 

Armpit sex?  really?

People out there really have armpit sex?

And the award for the best line heard all weekend goes to.....

My 83 year old aunt.

"Ive only had one Dick in my life.... and it was a real biiiiiiggggg Dick, too!"

i came across this posted... and it caught my attention.

"If You want me to submit.... fucking make me!"

Voluntary submission is normally what i'm all about, but damn.. there are just some times when one has the urge to grapple, to get physical, to get into the rougher, harsher fantasies...

then.. to go back to being the meek.. ok..sassy too... submissive.

i have absolutely no idea why my journals keep getting me in trouble.  i think, its like Anais Ninn said...  "we see things as WE are, not as THEY are"

Things i contemplated this weekend:

1) Eating corn before a session is not a good plan

2) When one has been “taking care of business”  all by themselves for quite some time, things generally progress pretty rapidly..  and one gets used to “wham bam thank you ma’am”  which leads me to number 3

3) There is such a thing as too much sex…  if you are not used to it.. its gonna make you sore no matter how good it feels.

4) What do you call a male version of a mistress?  i am not sure anyone could stand living with me 24 x 7..  and am not sure if i could handle them in my life 24 x 7..  that would take a lot of adjustment.  But.. to have someone there part of the time, or know that i could call him.. or he me.. whenever the other needed someone..  yeah, i can definitely would wish for that in the short term.

5)  is there such a thing as too tight?

6) is it just a guy thing.. that they can snuggle on the couch.. but once you hit the bed.. they just roll over/away.. and snore the night away?

7) if you are gonna fuck in the woods.. make sure you know what poison ivy, poison oak looks like..  and… probably don’t want to be bit by mosquitos on your genitals either..  how on earth can you stop that from happening?

8) Wonder what it would be like to have sex with an uncircumscised man.

9) why is it that Tranny’s know how to dress better than i do?

10) SHOULD some fantasies remain fantasies?

11)  If someone adores you… needs you… is that enough?

12) apparently guys find it sexy when a lady likes crossbows.. .. if only i had known that like oh.. i don’t know.. 20 years ago..  i wouldn’t be searching like this in my old age

13) i cannot understand.. for the life of me.. why guys half my age would want to fuck a MILF.

14) ok.. maybe some HOT one, like on TV… but me?

15) Some cocks are made for sucking.. and some cocks are made for fucking. 

16) there are just some attitudes i do not find attractive.. no matter how good looking the guy is

17) it really is sexy when one can be putting together a broadhead tip one minute.  And the next minute be down on your knees taking his cock in my mouth

18) Why would cops want to fuck an old lady like me in the back of their squad car, when they have 18-25 yr old pot heads in the back of their car all the time?

19) Is it really possible to take a cock up the ass, dry? And it still be as enjoyable as it is wet?

20) Engorged clits are really really oversensitive.. and any touching is almost a pain.. not the pleasurable kind. 

21) Why would anyone want to bite pussy lips?

22) Hell… why would anyone want to put needles through their nipples

23) Can you teach penguins how to pan for gold?

24) Hobbits and Irishmen are a lot alike

25) Maybe i am just to weird for most people

not currently seeking

Going away for a weekend of hiking and kinky play.  Hopefully, ill be too tied up to check in

The best text i had today.  "You never answer my texts unless I'm talking about sex or weapons"

After a day of stress at work, i burst out laughin and had everyone staring at me, asking me what was soo funny.  How do you explain that one, to your co-workers?

why do people look at me.. shake their heads... kiss me on the forehead.. pat me on the ass and say.. "your a good-girl"  like i am some lost puppy?

THINGS THIS LIL SUBBIE LEARNED TODAY WHILE NIGHT HIKING IN INDIANA

1) it can be downright cold.  This Phoenix gal has determined she probably needs her ass spanked soundly, so it is hot.. hot.. hot prior to going hiking..   cause even after hiking 3 miles w/ the 40 lb pack on.. her ASS was still freakin freezin

2) no texting while hiking.  even the paved bike/walk paths here do not have lights.  the light from the phone causes night blindness.. and silly lil subbies trip, fall and almost land up in the river.

3)Probably need a Dom in my life to keep me from doin stupid shit like that in the first  place..   but.. i do love the night, and the woods.

k

Perhaps by tag line should read.....  will do anything for weapons......

It is a good feeling.. . to know that  someone wants to possess you. 

i have been told...  i am a crossbow slut.....

Though His mood be black as night,

and He ties me with His silken cords

i cannot help but excite

and wonder what's in store

Will He take, that which was brutally won?

Will He take that which was tenderly offered?

Yet, It really matters not

as both delight

i am His

as much as

He is mine

Someone showed me, this traiiler, that they had set up for fun.  It made me start to think, are there businesses out there, that build these things that way?  Hell, maybe i should start one.

It was a simple, normal trailer.. like the uhaul type You rent.  5 1/2 feet high... deep enough for a bed and then some..   Had the clamp brackets on the side for the straps, and circle pullouts in the floor for attaching the cargo restraints.

How easy it would be to truly modify it, to become a great dungeon.  it was tall enough for me to stand in.  So, straps, restraints could be put against the back end to keep me spread eagled against the wall. 

A heater could keep things toasty in the  winter.  Add some proper insulation in the floor though, or foam for a proper bed.  i may enjoy pain, but sleeping on cold, hard floors... yeah, not do much.  makes me downright cranky.

Maybe a hand sink..

Oh yeah.. the trailer has LOTS and LOTs of possibilities.

Should i  be ashamed, for the things that turn me on? Should i hide them?  i had thought, that in this world, at least, i  could show myself and it would be OK

Yes, i have fantasies of struggle, of force…. But do You not realize yet… how powerful the desire to be a true sub is?  To lose myself, in My Master.   To have One, capable of controlling me, not just physically., capabable of just making me let go.. and serve.

The other fantasies.. they were deep dark secrets… ones you are never really sure you want to fully explore. 

Are they the ones, to judge me by.  Are they the ones, that are truly me… more so than being a proper sub.

I don’t know..  but i do not like crying  because i am ashamed that i have them.

Funny how 1 small clothes pin can open the flood-gates, and get me drippin wet in 2 sec flat.

Sheesh, am i easy or what?

 New Book.  How to scar New Doms for life..

Chapter 1:  Sudden Onset Sexual Migrain (Adrenalin) durning one of the most intense sexual orgasm in your life..

Chapter 2:.....

OMG... too funny... thanks for the laugh..  thanks for sharing

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-19625542

No one.

NOONE

No one rules my journals, but ME. 

i have am fairly laid back, but there one somethings i do not accept.

i do not, i will not name anyone in my journal directly WITHOUT their permission.

i do not put items on here, that are untrue. 

i do not consider my fantasies,  or the STORIES i write to be untrue.  Seriously, if one cannot tell the difference between the 2......

The journals, there is always a reason behind them... whether in play, or in seriousness. i will not edit them if you do not like them.

there have been times, when i think i have taken things a bit far, or i do not quite like how i have worded something.. and i will take one down... but that is because i wanted to.

if you do not like my journals... do not read them

i am angry, very, very angry

Subs out there, i have a question for you.  Do you ever have the fantasies, of rape sex? i am not even sure that is the right word to call it.

Walking along a deserted block.. knowing that you are  being followed.  Being grabbed from behind, and pushed back into the alley way.  The struggle.. you getting hurt, you hurting them..  having the life drained from you as he squeezes your throat to keep you from screaming louder..  the feel of the brick against your face, of his hands tearing your skirt.

Now, those are very powerful images for me.. and excites me more than is comfortable.  i do not think in real life, it would be as exciting.. it would be downright terrifying. 

Yet, do you think it is possible, to experience that with maybe a stranger.. but one that you have emailed with.. but never actually met?  Would it be possible to experience that with someone that you claimed as “Master”… 

Has anyone ever actually had the experience?  Not a real rape.. just the fantasy version.  Is it only a fantasy, or achievable with the right person, right situation.

Its time.. almost time. .. to go off into the woods again.   Camping, hiking,  pondering this question i suppose.. … and looking behind every tree.. listening to every rustle of leaves.

Be naughty this weekend! I know i will.

uggg... work should never be able to take away your ability to Hike..  there should be a law or something.

no play for me today.   think its torture for me,  or easy peasy?  Come on, im taking votes.

Ok.. .guys... listen up, cause this is important to me.  Listen closely, cause when i say this is important.. it is very important  to me.   Ive put down an email i have gotten. If You do not understand my response, then ask me.  If You  understand, and it repulses You, then we are not a good match.

i have had exactly 1 email from this person prior to this email.  and it was.  "i seen you like hiking"  my response "yes, i do"

then this email :

you should call me Sir (when) I asked of your hiking,if your free this weekend I will change that.

My response:

Why would i call you Sir, when You have not yet earned that title with me?

That title is reserve to be used by Your sub, and should only be  used by sub.  You disrepect them and the honour they have chosen to bestow upon You, if You just let anyone call You Sir.

It is not my thought, to riducul this Dominant.  I would not think of doing so, but i need you to understand who and what i am. 

Could i have called this man "sir"  sure i could have, and it would have meant nothing to me.  i grew up around the military, everyone was sir or ma'am. i was not in the military, titles meant nothing to me, but manners did.  So, yes.. i could have called him sir.

But, this man expected me to respect him just because he calls himself Dominant, and i am a submissive.  and reprimanded me for not.

i can not follow any dominant, who has not earned my respect, and who does not respect what i offer to Him. 

it is as simple, and as complicated as that.

OK...  AND TO PROVE MY POINT.. THAT THIS DOMINANT WAS NOT FOR ME..  HIS RESPONSE:

oh fiesty, so who would want you that your "not yet" owned your hatefull must not be a real Dom

I ask you... is it reallly so hateful of me to want a Dom, who is honoured by the gift of my submission? 

Word that move me

you belong to Me.

And I will take you into the fantasy.

Understand this;

you belong to Me now !

.......its is not the ropes, or the crossbow, or the knives that excite me.  It is the Master who uses them.

My version of theDrunkenSailorSeaShanty...

What would you do 'cause of a Dominant Irishman?

What would you do for a sexy Irishman?

What woud you do with a naughty Irishman?

Early in the morning

Give Him a bow and have Him teach you

Give Him a bow and have Him beat you

Give Him a bow and have Him take you

Early in the morning

What would you do 'cause of a Dominant Irishman?

What would you do for a sexy Irishman?

What woud you do with a naughty Irishman?

Give Him a rope and have Him tie you

Give Him a knife and have Him excite you

Give Him yourself and have Him guide you

Early in the morning

What would you do 'cause of a Dominant Irishman?

What would you do for a sexy Irishman?

What woud you do with a naughty Irishman

Show him a collar, and Pray He chooses You

Give him my neck, and hope it excites Him

Pin Him down, and TAKE whats MINE (  **  hehe.. i could not resist***)

Thats what i'd do with MY Angel

Thats what i'd do with My Devil

Thats what i'd do with MY Irishman

Early in the monrin.

What would He do with me?

What say You..... should  i record  my version?

i was a naughty girl today. 

i had soooo much work to do today, after taking time off for my hike last week, and yet i could not seem to settle down into it.  Someone had kept me thinking bout that damned crossbow.

Thinkin just how different that lesson COULD have gone iffin it had been with “my master”

Me, laying stomach down on the ground..  naked, the crossbow aimed out in front of me.  Him, laying over me, demonstrating how to  shoot.  Would He be naked?  Would he allow his cock to touch me… to tease me?  Or would he be clothed… with his belt digging into my bottom… reminding me of how rough he can be?

Once He was finished with His demonstration,  i would be made to practice.  Maybe with a vibe in my pussy.  If i shot true, would i be rewarded with a bit more play?  If i missed, would i be feeling the lash of that belt? 

Could He train me, to shoot true… during ANYTHING?  A vibe, a lash…  his cock pumping in my ass?

Oh yes… i can see how much more i would have enjoyed that lesson on the crossbow. 

Anyone out there want to teach me?

a friends daddy took the time and gave me a lil lesson, and let me shoot his crossbow.

Awww man, it was AWESOME>

Is it bad that my panties got all wet?

Today, i really do not know how… or where to start my journal.  So much has happened, it is hard to believe it has really only been 2 short days. . and for now..you will only hear part one...

i had this long weekend planned, it is unusual for me.   Normally, i have to play the responsible adult, and grab my play time, my me time where i can.  This weekend, i was responsibility free.

Those of you that know me… probably already know what i went to go do.  A hike…. Me? No NEVER.

Those of you that have  read my journals, probably also know that i am a bit twisted, and kinky… and generally try to find a way to make life just a bit more… hmm.. how shall we say…. Interesting?

The hike i’d planned was 8 miles, back-country.  Been on the trail before, and it is not a trail that is maintained  very well, or used much. i would hazard to say, i was the last person on the trail a couple of weeks ago.

i was also taking my pack  (which is important, you will see later on..) When i say pack.. i don’t mean one of those lil drawstring packs you see around now adays.  i mean the kind w/ straps.. can hold tents, sleeping bags, clothes, food…THAT kind of backpack.

The brilliant idea, was to go as i was plannin to meet my “master”…now, don’t go getting all wenchy on me… a sub can fantasize, cant she?   This lil subbie is thinking… coat, and a karada underneath (cause damn, but do i have a fetish for ropes.. yeah, i know, i know.. that and soldiers seem to get me off pretty damn quick) and a nice lil dildo in my ass… which will be making it soooo nice and ready for Him… rubbin in and out as i hike along.. 

            Find this coat (a billion times too big, but lightweight to wear under my pack, and goes down to my knees… perfect.  Pick up some camouflaged rope.. perfect for me to fashion the karada.

            i get my pack, packed… include this nice heavy blanket as extra weight… and im thinking i can stop and have some fun along the trail, right?  And all my toys and head to bed.  Next morning.. i wake up to rain, rain, and more rain. And COLD… freakin 40 degrees outside COLD..  i am fromPhoenix.. I do not want it to be cold.

            im driving along… makin my way to the trail…and alas… another brilliant idea comes to me..  SARAN WRAP.    Quick stop to buy some and im parking my car at the trail head in no time. 

           i grab my pack, head to the restroom (uck, icky nasty open toilet) and get naked . No ones around, right cause its freakin rainin and cold and only an idiot would be out there…  i take the plastic wrap, and start working it around my thighs (don’t want it to be visibile under the bottom of the coat..  my waist… mummy style.  Roll it into a rope, and wrap them around my boobs… around, and around… individually… bring it criss cross around my neck…  you’ve seen the look..   im all bound up now… but pussy, and ass are free.. i lube up the dildo, and slide it up my ass…  and bend down to get my jacket to put over all of it…  and out it freakin pops.  Yeah.. go ahead and laugh.  So.. i

try to make a small chastity? Belt kind of thing tto keep it in…  get my coat on.  Alls good.  Everything covered? Check.  Put my pack on, and  off i go. 

 Im climbin up this short incline to get to the trail head.. when i realize to damn things.  One… i STILL can seem to manage to keep that damn freakin dildo from coming out of my ass..  and two.. my freakin ass was hangin out in the wind.. literally. 

When i put my pack on…. The back of the jacket freakin rides up.. exposin my ass for all to see.. complete with the danged dildo that keeps poppin out.  That’s  a bit more exhibitionism than i was goin for, so i head back to the icky toilet area.. and drag out a pair of  skintight shorts..    i had literally, just finished putting the dildo back in my ass, and had the shorts and jacket on, when a park lady walked in on me fixin my pack.  2 seconds earlier..she would have seen me naked in plastic wrap.

         This is probably the first time i really enjoyed hiking in the rain.  Yes.. i was getting soaking wet,  it was pouring.  But i was all warm and toasty, in my nice lil caccoon, the dildo was massaging my ass..   The dildo managed to work itself out after about 2 hours.. and its impossible to fix things in your ass, when you’ve got a 40 lb pack on your back..  so i finally gave up on putting it back in right.

         The whole point of the story though.  Is the feeling it brings.  People have asked.. why do i do crazy things like that,  what is the point?  

          For 2 whole hours, i was so aware, so damned sexually aware of every piece of my body.  i could feel every drop of rain fallin on my lashes, every scape of the sapling trees, or leaves against my legs, my tits as the brushed against my jacket.  i could hear, the plastic wrap creaking.. The dildo.. sometimes rough and a bit painful.. but other times completely forgetting it was in there, it was so natural. When you are in that state… that state of mind, where you feel EVERYTHING.. it is amazing… i could look around, at all the trees, out over the water…and yes, even through the pouring cold rain.  It was amazing.

          i could see my self bent over that tree, actually see myself being taken by Him.  i could feel Him, working that dildo in my ass as we hiked. The scrape of the scub brush, was just the lash of the switch from Him.  The limb of the tree as it swung back after i passed,  was the slap of his palms... burning... stinging from the cold, and his slapping my ass

 i could feel His pleasure as he looked around Him, and he loved seeing His lil subbie, bound up for Him this way. 

i do not think, i have enjoyed a hike more.  i spent four hours.. so aroused…  as i was nearing the end of the  trail.. i found myself hoping, HOPING, that there might be a lone fisherman, parked in the lot, so he could ask me how the hike was..   and i could reply..  Fantastic… but it would end much nicer iffin i could suck that cock of yours… 

Alas, it was not to be.

BY THE END OF THE HIKE.. I WANTED,,,, NEEDED TO HAVE SOMEONE THERE WITH ME.. SHARING THAT WITH ME..  

On the one hand... i was laughing, and happy, and it was beautiful..  and on the other, it was sad, cause there WAS no one there to share it with.

THAT IS HOW I WANT TO FEEL WITH A MASTER… EVERYDAY

RAIN ON MY PARADE WHY DONT  YOU

So much fun planned for tomorrow...  too much to do :( to get ready....  

I WANNA PLAY NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

just cause... and to show you ,  im not all doom and gloom  and frilly romantic.   This happened to be one of my tasks that made me smile the most, and still makes me smile..

What devilment you caused me!

I woke up thinking of you, and of our game. I did not want to let those images of us go. 

As I got ready for the day, my thoughts kept coming back to our session, and how I wished I had the courage to ask for more from you.

I dressed that day, thinking of the task I had ahead of me.  I knew exactly what I was going to do and how.

As I slipped on the same garter and stockings and skirt from the night before, I was smiling about how I shocked you when my panties were the first thing I took off.

No panties for me today though!

Oh no, Today I was pantiless for you...again!

Im beginning to think Im NEVER going to be wearing panties with you as my Master!

I went to work then, knowing I was going to have lots of fun on my morning commute..

I settled into my car, and started to drive.  Hmm...I think I forgot to tell you I have a stick shift!  I tried and tried to get enough time to reach up and fondle my breasts, as you instructed.  I was thinking about how much I wished they were your hands....like in the story.  But every danged time my hand started underneath my shirt, I had to reach back down to change gears.

GRRRRRRR

I was soo thankful for the contruction that I ran into on the roads.  All the othere people in their cars, I could see their unhappy faces as we were stopped.  Not me though. Nope, I had a smile on my face.

At the first contruction stop, I spent it stroking, pinching and pulling my nippe.  As I had done for you the night before...

Which nipple do you think I was playing with.  the one marked with NA or the one marked with TE

Mmm, I was so wet from playing with that nipple..  Remembering you from teh night before!

The second construction stop.  thats when I really got to have some fun.

I hiked my skirt up, above my thighs.  Exposing my garter, so that i could reach down to gently finger my pussy

I was thinking about it being your hand, gliding there. Did you like how soft my outer lips were, as you slid your fingers over them.?

Could you feel the heat as you cupped your palm over my pussy?

Were you surprised at how wet I was, when you slid that one finger in deep?

I couldnt stop the moan that escaped then.

Mmm, those long hot kisses we shared as your fingers stroked me.  I was squirming against you as I tried to get closer to you, to get your fingers to stroke me harder, to get you to hit just that right spot.

Were you surprised at how shamelessly I acted with you, about how my hips humped against your hand, about how completely lost I was to everything in the outside world?

There was only you kissing me, your fingers sliding deep into my pussy.

You WERE surprised at how quick I came for you, weren’t you?

I came out of the day dream to the honking of horns...AND a construction worker knocking on my window.

Oh Shit!

I turned bright red as he said.  "Lady, i do not know where you were in your mind, but I wish I had been there with you!"

Crap!  The situations MY Master gets me into!. 

Oh my Goodness...  yikes!!  Enough already.    I IN NO WAY, SHAPE OR FORM MEAN TO IMPLY THAT I WAS IRISHANGELS SUB!!  Out of that whole journal, that is what you got out of that?

Seriously,  that is an honour to be bestowed by Him...  not to be taken by me.    I would never, ever take something that was not given to me, and  certainly not after a line or 2 of conversation!  

You disrespect Him by those thoughts.

i have been struggling for a while now, how to express what it is that i am looking for.   This search as been so very hard, because i did not know what it was that i was searching for.  When questioned, i could explain what i did NOT want, what i did NOT  need.  However, to tell you what i needed, what i craved  that was beyond me, because i am not experienced in this world.

And yet, today, as i was mindlessly “window-shopping” the profiles,  i stumbled upon this photo that was haunting, all of the photos of the profile were.  So many photos on here, are all about the straight out kink,  my eyes glaze over and i do not even see them anymore.   These photos, i really wish i could describe them to you.  They are simple, oh so simple.  One of a man, one of a chain, and another of a rope.  Yet, they drew me in, and i created my own story for them.  The light and the dark of the man,  knowing he could be both savior and devil.  The chains, that give strength and aid… and yet also bind and take it away.  The rope, The golden rope that binds you Him, that you are so honored to wear for him and yet you realize, you do not need those ropes at all.. you will follow Him anywhere.

With the help of the pictures, i had made my own story. i knew what i needed, longed for, yearned for.    i wrote to Him, this absolute stranger whose photos humbled me, and he told me their story. 

Finally, someone who understood!  The kink, the mind-blowing sex.  Yes  i want all those, i NEED all those. And i am the first to admit, i love hot sweaty, passionate, brutal sex or kink of many types. But, that is all it will ever be, unless u can share THIS with Him.

So.  i say thank you to MY guiding angel.  (Imp that I am, I’m claiming Him.. shhh… im a sub, and shouldn’t claim anyone…),IrishAngel I for helping me my path today.

K

Is it so easy to get me hot an wet?  i spent all day that way, due to a certain someone, who really did, said... nothing at all.  Just lil reminders of what can happen, what may happen.  and that was enough to have me thinking of Him all day long.

Maybe its been so long since i have had the opportunity.  No, that is not quite right, probably it has been too long since i have had the real courage to go out and find what i need.  

it is..  wow, i am trying to think of the right adjective.  Its has left me yearning all day, but in a way, it has been very satisfying...  Like, putting on my pack and heading out to the woods..   all was right with the world today.  it felt good.

 all i can say is Thank you for givin this lil subbie back that which she has missed.

Dublin, round trip 2nd week in January... super cheap...  ooooooh baby...  they gotta let me have the time off, or i might just go postal.

The feel of those hands, closing in around my throat, hurting me, depriving me of air..   How can i only feel safe with you like that?  How can i only see that as a caress?

I need to work something out tonight, if that’s ok with you guys? 

I have had occasion, to be whipped, or clipped, or any other of assortment of painful things since I have started exploring this non-vanilla world a few years ago.   I have been very, very fortunate enough to have a couple of great friends/master where we could discuss anything… and yet, we have never really discussed this. 

            When ive been “what-ever” before, the doms have never been interested in pain per say.  When I’ve asked, its been because of the control of the sub they have.  To know what she would allow them to do so, just cause it pleased them.   And this I understand.  Cause, even while I might let them do so, there was always a part of me that was in control too.  I  I was allowing this to happen.  I chose to let this happen  I will endure this to please them.

      But this experience, it was different.  If asked, the best way could describe it would be that I gave myself up to the violence, to the pain.  And yet, that is not entirely accurate either.  I have endured much more than this.  Much, much more than this, and jaw clenched I did not cry… I would not give in to that pain.  This was nothing, but it was everything. 

     This was tame, oh so tame, by most standards.  Night time, on a covered bridge.  (funny that, whenever I was upset growin up, I would run to a covered bridge and climb up and look out the rafters for hours as the water went  by)  a public, not so public place if that makes sense.  I was facing away from Him, and yes, we both had our clothes on, He was behind me with his arms around me. 

       How he knew, that small biting kisses on my neck, and ear would get me started, I have no idea.. its not like we discussed that..  but it did. 

       He started playing with my nipple… just the one,  tugging, tweaking, twisting, squeezing..  over and over.  Sharp stabbing sensations, causing me to catch my breath, followed by such soothing palms..  Over and over, till I was lost in it, till the pain of the tweaking was too much, and I could not stop the tears, the sob that I tried so hard to keep quiet.    It was the tears on my cheeks, that got him so excited. 

        The tears, and the sobs… I could feel his response to them.  I knew he was losing control (no that may not be the right choice of words),  I knew how they were affecting him.  It was like putting gasoline on a fire…  

            He is different than others I have known,  he likes the tears, likes the pain.  I know this, I know this cannot be good, and yet..  I could not stop it either… I felt SAFE with him, so very safe, as if he was my whole world, I let go and only felt… forgot thinking  all together.  I only wanted more pain, more, more, more  from him, for him. 

           That is all we did, on that bridge, and yet it rocked my world.

I think back on it, and it still makes me wet…  should probably put it in my book,   but I know, deep down in my heart, this cannot be good for me. 

           How does one incorporate this into their Vanilla day to day world, with family and kids, and such? 

           I can see it becoming addicting, taking up too much time, becoming more and more dangerous leaving me, my family in a bad place.   How can being with someone who get off on others tears be safe... yet that is all i felt, was safe.

          It scares me… to think about actually continuing on that road.    And yet… how can I not?   

i have said this time and time an time again...  i am not submissive to anyone other than my "Master"  and if I've never met you, your not my Master.

sometimes, i do not think you guys realise how deeply you hurt when you judge without knowing me. 

sO..my phone is off, and im gonna hike in the middle of nowhere till i cant possibly stagger on any more.  out there, there are no people... today i like it that way

not sure which is worse... not having a Master  or  chatting with one... and being all excited to meet him... and then meeting and finding out he doesnt cliick for you, or you for him.  Do i really have the strenth to try again?

this lil subbin has been feelin nostalgic.  i found a stash of photos, from my escapades? exploits? tasks? from a past  Master.

   It is interesting to go  down memory lane, isnt it? You look at the photos, and read your journal  of those events, and even though they could have been soo long ago, it brings it all right back.

    You can remember how those breasts stung after the sandpaper, or how noone ever warned you about  how taking the claps OFF your nips would sting more than having them on, or hiking while all bound in saran wrap  meeting someone new on the trail to tease...

    Those feelings, sights sounds...  i have been truly blessed in some of my experiences, and friends in this non-vanilla world.

Lessons learned by this lil subbie...

if a profile  on here belongs to ""Master" Mike,  or "Master"John,  it probably means the "dom" is soooo insecure that he has to proclaim he's dom in the title. 

i do not call anyone master until they've proven themselves to be.

Hey... would you go to a doctor to get your heart worked on if you werent sure he was a doc?  i think not

I had a great hike today.  10 miles, 25 lb pack up at BrookvilleLake.  was supposed to meet up with someone, but it turned out ok. 

i had lots of time to fantasize while on the trail. 

What if He is waiting for me up by that tree?

what if He wants me to strip?

What if He wants a blow job?

what if He wants me over that tree, and takes a switch to me?

what if He wants me to hike naked  (ok.. that one made me laugh cuase I’d look pretty funny hikin with a pack on, naked except for hiking boots).?

 what if He takes the rope in my pack and ties me up?

Would he use those thorny branches on me?

Will he take me there in that wash, on those stones?

Does he want me to cry for him? 

Will i be marked?

How , oh how will I ever please him.

There were sooooo many possibilities,  sooo many things to keep my mind occupied that it made the trail seem shorter

someone asked.. "if you had the chance, would you go live away from civilization... say on a mountain somewhere, or in Alaska..  or somewhere at the very least its an hour to get to a walmart.   You could then go naked and do whatever you and your Master wanted to do whenever."

I thought about it a bit.  While it is true, I would be happy living in Alaska, out in the wilds, or like they do in rural Ireland... there would be certain things i would need to go back to "civilization" for  BSDMwise. 

• if you are out in the middle of NOWHERE, chances are you will never ever be seen doin anything naughty.  Where's the fun in that?  While i am not one to go around nude in public.. showing a nipple "accidentally"  or being naked where someone MIGHT walk in....  now thats a bit of a turn on.

i had a chance to revist one of my old journals.  it made me stop and  think, is this still true for me today, as it was to me a couple of years ago?  The answer is still a resounding YES.

What is your idea of a submissive?I've had opportunity to have conversations with a couple of Masters this past week, and they have really made me think about what it means to me to be submissive.What is the picture that comes into your mind upon hearing the word submissive?  Im willing to bet, it is of a naked person, cowering, simpering on the floor.  Someone as meek and timid as a church mouse.But, that is not what comes to my mind.  If a submissive has been properly owned, that submissive should be like a Navy Seal.  Yes, that is what I said.  A Navy Seal.  A totally dominant image, isnt it?And yet, that fits my definition of a true, properly owned submissive perfectly.A Navy Seal is:Someone who has been thoroughly trained to withstand any and all whims of their Superiors. Someone who is loyal, and honour bound to serve.  Someone who will never, ever give up. Someone who while being slow to trust, once it has been earned, it will always remain there.   Someone who is smart, cunning, and  resourcefull and yet will concede their power to another as a conscious decision. Masters? Isnt that all you could ever want or hope to achieve with your submissive?So, I ask you again.  When you hear the word submissive.  What will you see...  the naked slave lying shaking in the corner?  Or the tall, proud Navy Seal?    
 
 
 

I just realised that CM doesnt save ALL my journals.  I wish I had known that.  I would have saved them  on my computer.    Here i am saying, if you want to know about me read my journals, and then the journals arent even there!

   So much of my journey in this stange world is lost. 

Seriously.  Iffin all i wanted was sex, i would walk into any bar around here and 5 minutes later walk out with a complete stranger and we would hump like bunnies in the alley.  Ok.. well maybe not the alley, its gotten cold out. 

If that is all i wanted, i would not be on here.  So why then do random strangers send me messages about things they want me to do, and then get mad at me when i do not respond?

i am not a mindless slave taking orders from anyone .... everyone.

i am the type of submissive who has a mind of her own, can can take care of herself, but who consciously makes the decision to turn her life over to her masters.

if that is  not your desire as well... then we may become friends, but i seriously doubt it will develop to more than that.

I went out last night, with a total stranger.  Did some hiking, and some chatting.  Its strange how you know you SHOULD like someone. 

Now, ill be the first to admit, im a strange one.  Actually, i preferr to call myself quirky.  I explore and research strange things like ancient weapons (like to recreate one), the 5000year old Methuselah Tree that those stupid scientists Schulman and Harlan cut down so they could date it,  or things like using throwing knives, or learning to shoot a bow and arrow,80's german porno flicks.....

and  to actually find someone that can hold a conversation about all of those things, plus go on about this archeological site, or that one annd how they were built  etc...  well.. you would think that i would be in seventh heaven cause ive met very few who share my interests...

but, we were hiking along... and it was me that was leadin this new relationship on,  he just set back and let me lead and he jumped to do whateever i wanted....hell.. i even brought up some  of the stuff i had done as a sub.

and... after hiking till long after dark, and chatting at the car.. i reached up, gave him a quick peck on the cheek and said the usual...its been nice, call me. 

and he looked at me and said, "let me ask you a question...  what would you have done if i had just bent you over a log back there in the woods, and had sex with you..

without missing a beat...  i said..   i probably would have respected you more...  and left.

it is soooo frustrating..  yes, i can make an excellent Domme, hell i can inspire men to be at my beck and call...  but i have no wish really to do so.   

i would much rather be inspired to serve

i had forgotten about the touch of "naughty" to get one through the normal boring day.  Thanks to the complete stranger who took the time to read my journals and remind me.  I may just have to put some ropes on under my clothes tomorrow.  THANK YOU

My Very First Journal in this Crazy BDSM World
 

Someone asked me what I liked....  now how can you possibly answer that.  With the right Master anything is possible, isnt it?

There have been times when I have been caned, whiped, strapped, played with wax, or electricity.  I have had mindblowing, emotionally charged, very physical sessions, and I have had ones that have been all light hearted laughter.  Which is better? Shrug..

How can one tell.  With the right Master, it is ALL better.

But, I gotta admit,  I would not like the pain stuff 100% all the time.  It has to be balanced.  Now, dont get me wrong.  Remembering being tied, and whipped by a certain Austrian can still get me soakin wet.  But, so can thinking about his teasing me to orgasm in a church...

sigh...  wishin I had someone in my bed

somewhere to lay my head and just be petted

or...some really hard fast sex

Is it wierd that I want both or either and they are polar opposites?  maybe its a penquin thing....(yep, you know that remark was for you)

sigh, same old dilemma....  how do you make a rape fantasy come to life, and still have it as hot as you imagine  AND  not be killed by some psycho?

so...been informed no fun places in Indy...gonna have to make my own... been searchin, there are a couple of hiking trails where you can have some fun...  a bit colder than AZ so a nude hike would be a bit chilly...  might have to think of a compromise...cause i gotta admit, I do not like this cold icky weather...

Bored....  are there any porno theaters or playrooms in Indy?

Had to laugh today...

There's this guy...kinda rough around the edges, big, mechanic type...  but that's ok, I like that.  Probably has something to do with those rape fantasies of mine...  anyway, you can kinda tell he's wanting to shock me by telling me the most outrageous sexual thing he's ever done...

wait, wait.....wait for it.  He tied a girl up and took her in all 3 holes...  I sat there, and sat there... he probably thought I was an idiot,   but I was just waitin for him to continue.. then I realised...  he was done.

Probablly shouldnt share any of my journals with him...  he might be too shocked to talk to me again, and that  would be a shame...

Question for the day....   so...you're flirtin with someone new.  When should you start bringing up this stuff?  See...Im normally a real tease anyone, and no one takes me seriously anyway...so even if I bring this stuff up, they would think Im jokin anyway...

but...should I bring itup

sooooo sorry... changed my password, then promptly forgot it

Any kinky farmers out here?

Just an FYI.... 20 boxes of jello does not fill a tub.. not even close...  a few inches at most.

but...  it is still fun

Gonna have a bit of mischief tonight

ohhhhhhhhh mama....  a vacuum cleaner controlled by a Dom who knows ropes......  is there anything better?

My new website will be up and running soon.  I finally decided to take the plunge and set up a site to write my stories directly for  clients.  Some of you have seen  or heard my stories that I wrote for My Soldier..  a story that continued each day, totally tailored to his fantasies.. with a bit of mine mixed in to keep him guessin... (well, lets be honest... cumming) 

Im hoping to continue in that direction....   

What do you think?

So freeing.....  and so much fun

Doms always say, tell me your favorite experience...  So i tell them, but well.. it seems i have a bit of a wierd sense of humor.

ill tell you the story, and you can tell me what you think.

See..  i was initiated into this big, bad, bdsm world by finding a ..... guide  online.  He eventually turned into My Master.. but thats another story. 

i had entered a profile on another site, but i was young  (ok.. even i gotta laugh at that.. I AM NOT YOUNG) and niave.  i had no idea that even though i didnt post my email address, they could somehow download it to a vcard or something. 

One day, these messages just popped up on my messenger..   It was from a Dom (of course) and we had started a banter.. back and forth for days.  His messenger ID was just a German word..(since he was German, that kinda made sense).  so.. one day i asked him what his name was. 

His reply was that i could call him Michael..  well..  ok.. Michael doesnt work for me, kinda makes me see red..  but, something in the way he said it made me realise that wasnt his real name.

So.. everyday, i would write an email to him  and address it to a different German name.  Dear Johann, Dear Bernard, Dear Dietrich.  And so it continued.  Till one day, Genius struck.

Dear Heinrich.  

My letters were so respectful... so subbie like.  i was a perfect litttle angle. 

and all the while i was calling him " Dear Heiny..  my Heiny"

Poor guy..  he had absolutely no idea what a heiny was in English. 

hehehe

And before you ask..  no.. i wasnt being mean.  i was only teasing..  and eventually i had to confess.  We both had a laugh and the big ol meanie thought it deserved a punishment.. can you believe that?

Our relationship was like that though,  we laughed a lot.  

I miss that

i had forgotten.  How just ONE look, ONE smile from Master could bring such joy into my heart.  Its something i hope never to forget again, and if there are wishes to be granted tonight.. i would wish that all you subbies find that joy for yourselves.

my favoritist toy in the whole wide world?

a vacuum cleaner  :)

Could you be Mine?
Would you be Mine?
Won't you be My Master?

(no.. im pretty sure i wouldnt look sexy in a grey sweater, but hey... if thats what your into, im sure i can find one for me to wear)

Kiss

Lil Subbies.. they are simple creatures really.

 Take away the whips, and chains and handcuff and needles..  and what remains?  What do ALL subbies have in common? 
They are driven by need.  The need to feel cared for.  The need for attention.  The need for protection.  The need to take care of those around them. The need to please.

 What happens when those needs aren’t met? 

 Those lil subbies without masters, they walk thru life going about their daily activities.  They go to work, they come home.  They do their chores. They try to make do for a while, they play on their own, they direct their own little  kinks trying  to bring that spark back… but they fail. For.. where is the fun in doing things for oneself?  Nothing is the same as having a Master. Life has no purpose, no direction for them.  Life has no joy, no meaning. 

 That is what happens to lil subbies that go without Masters.  They get consumed by nothingness.

How does one explain, truly, what they are… who they are and what they are looking for?  If that was what I was trying to accomplish, I think I would have to update this profile daily. ;(

As it is, it occurred to me, that my last profile was a bit out of date, even though it was less than a year old. (Ive posted it in my journal, if you are interested.. it is still true, yet it is no longer enough I think)

I’ve learned much, since the beginning of my journey.

I have had one, which I truly called Master.  For him, there will always be a place in my heart.  

I’ll never forget my moment of discovery, that I was truly a submissive.

 We had not started out as Master n sub.  I had not believed myself to be a submissive.

But, that moment, when I realized looking back, that I had stopped questioning his authority, stopped asking him why do I have to do this, stopped telling him no if it wasn’t something that interested me. Or no if it would hurt me. I cannot even tell you exactly when that occurred.  It just was. It was as natural to me as breathing.  At that moment, when I realized that was what true submission was, that is was so unconscious and natural, you do not even realize there is another way.  That moment has been one of the most profound in my adult life.

It is that, for which I strive again.  I know it is out there, I know what it is now and I, need it, desire it, crave it.  There is a huge void in my life, now that I am no longer serving my Master.  I need to be serving.I seek someone to join me there.

Yes, I like all the normal kinks. I enjoy the flogging, clips, binders, ropes, mild to med pain, some light public exhibitionism. Though I could never be a true Gorean, role-playing for a couple of days would be a test of my will that I would enjoy.  I enjoy tasks, that test me, that make me grow. I enjoy the mind games, the intensity of it all.  You can bring me to tears, you can make me fly.

At the end of the day though, what is most important to me?  It is the laughter. Yes, the sessions may make me cry, or be intense, that is OK.  But, the whole experience, our whole relationship… it needs to bring joy and laughter to me and I need to provide those for My Master as well.  

I said in my last profile that I was looking for a Master, Daddy, psycholigist, priest.. I think maybe that is wrong.  It is more like.. Im searching for a partner in crime.

I am at my best, when I can be a devilishly naughty, deviant little girl. 

Perhaps, I can be that for you?

My Darlin Master,

You KNOW that I do not want to stop….that I cannot not stop.  You, this…it is like an addiction.

As I prepared for bed, I thought of our story.  About how I was blindfolded, and you had just made me cum….and then I hear the voices of others.  I cannot imagine that I had been performing for them.  I cannot.  Oh God, they had been watching us, me…I tried to get away then..

But then I heard you, and the voice just washed over me again.  That sexy voice, telling me to shhhh…you holding me..and I slipped right back into being so very aroused.  The others disappeared completely.  I stood there, just enjoying being in your arms. 

Those hands, those expert hands…I barely felt it when you placed the cuffs on my wrists.  I just wanted to stay with you.

But…then you start to raise my arms…bound over my head…and your words.  I am sure that you must just be mis-translating…You are a Master?  What do you mean you are a Master?  What is a Master?  Everyone here, watching us are Masters?  You wish for me to be your slave?

I do not know the meaning behind your words, not really.  I only wish to stay with you.  The things that you have made me feel…in such a short time…I do not wish for my time with you to stop.

So…I nod,  and show you that I wish to stay.

I lay down on the bed ..my wrists bound for you..and I attached them to my bed.  I did not think it would be so difficult.  To stay that way for you. 

I kept the webcam on last night.  It is a funny feeling, knowing that someone could be watching me…while Im tied up in my bed, sleeping.  What could they see…what did I do while they were watching…what embarrassing positions did I end up in, and just what did I expose.

I was wrong though…I was restless all night, not really sleeping. My arms bound that way, I just kept thinking of you, and our audience.

So…my darling Master….where do we go from here?

For FunOne...  enjoy.

In the Dark with **** 

Master ****

It felt so illicit…waiting for my girls to head for church, so that I could go outside and continue our story.

Don’t you knw that the church considers masturbation a sin…probably frowns upon nudity too..but, why I don’t know..Adam and Eve were nude long before Satan came along.

Anyway…I was pushing the kids out the door as fast as I could get them to go on Sunday.

As soon as they were gone, I changed into the skirt and shirt from our story…I debated on a bra, cause I didn’t leave that behind at the club…but, you must have taken it off while I was in your expert hands J in the cab!

I could not find a blind fold, so I used some fur cuff restraints that I have.

I was ready!  I went to the backyard, out by the pool.  I just stood there for a moment, just contemplating your instructions.  Blindfold on, turn round, and round till im dizzy and don’t fall down, strip and play with myself.

The cuff worked perfectly over my eyes, I used the straps to tie it on. Once I could not see, I spread my arms wide and started twirling.  One, two three times around.  Four, five and six… Seven and Eight and I could barely balance.  Nine and 10…I had no idea where I was. I stood there for a moment, just listing, trying to get my bearings.

I started thinking about where we were in the story, how I had just met you, and was still so unsure of you. I just stood there, listening to the world. I was aware of everything.  The cars going by, the dogs barking…a conversation in a neighbors backyard..

I wasn’t I was actually going to strip for you, until I actually reached down and lifted the hem of my shirt. Pulling it up, over my head.  Mmmm, it felt so good to be there like that.  It was supposed to get up to 90 today, but right now…it probably felt like 80.  the sun was beating down on my breasts.  There was a slight breeze, and I could feel my nipple harden.

I wasn’t done though…your hands were on me in the story. Im sure you must have been kissing me senseless too…otherwise I surely would have noticed and objected to you stripping me completely like that.  I dropped my skirt, to pool at my feet.

Mmmm, imaging your mouth on my nipples, like they were in the story…I reached down..and cupped one of my breasts.  Lifting it up, so that I could take one long lick with my toungue.  Teasing myself, till I pulled the entire nipple into my/your hot mouth.

My/your other hand was not still during this…Oh no, it was reaching down…gently playing with myself.  Just softly caressing.

And then…I could hear neighbors kids jumping in their pool…and the spell was broken. Just like that.

And so it went, on and on…I could so get into the story…get myself so wet with my fingers playing as you instructed…and then I’d hear the world again. 

I wanted to tell the whole damn world to just take a flying leap!

I wanted to finish this, I wanted to be in my story.  The lovely story you’ve created for me to live in.  I kneeled down…searching around my feet…till I came across the toy that you said I could bring outside with me.

You should have heard me groan, when I finally found it…I was so ready to stand back up and try again.

I stood…spread my legs wider, and turned the vibrator on.  It’s a big dildo vibrator, but I didn’t want it inside of me yet.  No, you were too busy playing with my clit, I wanted to keep it there…nearly there, almost on edge.  I could feel it as your thumb, flicking back and forth over it, again and again. 

God, I wanted it so bad.  Wanted to feel it inside of me, but still…still it did not move from its spot.  I was standing there…my hips frantically moving, trying to take it in..but still it stayed. 

I was trying to stay quiet…I could hear the kids in the neighbors yards.  I did NOT want them to hear me.   It was so hard…not to moan, not to pant… I know I groaned.

I got soo damned close like that…feeling me hump against your hand, as you teasingly kept yourself away.

But, when you did take pity on me, it was just one really  hard, deep thrust.  Oh god, I freaking squeeled..and then I remembered where I was and bit my lip.  I dropped  to my knees and came.

I stayed there, kneeling like that. The vibrator still deep inside of me. It was probably  minutes before the sounds of the cars, and the kids filtered thru.

I didn’t want to take the blindfold off and end the story.

So, As a word of warning though, do not take my profile to mean that I am some sissy chick unable to stand on her own two feet.  Like I said.  EVERYONE in my vanilla life, if asked, would have bet the bank I would be a Domme.

 Yes, I can balance my own checkbook, fix basic things on my car (its amazing what you can do if you read the directions that come with parts.) I’ve got a full almost complete wood workshop (used to try to make furniture, I like early American and Mission Styles.)  Though setting up the game systems still aggravate me,  I’ve got the DVR down pat.  I study Krav Maga, and hike/backpack quite a bit. Plannin a trip to Ireland that’s 10km a day.

But, if your offering to do the yard work, hey go for it! Im a single parent, and that’s the last thing on my list and never gets done.

I am capable of living a full productive life on my own, I am just looking for someone to compliment it.  Now that I know what true submission can bring, I know that productive isn’t enough, is it? Its about being productive FOR someone, about being proactive FOR someone.  That is what gives it meaning.

My Morning Commute, or Shameless cab ride 

What devilment you caused me!

I woke up thinking of you, and of our game. I did not want to let those images of us go. 

As I got ready for the day, my thoughts kept coming back to our session, and how I wished I had the courage to ask for more from you.

I dressed that day, thinking of the task I had ahead of me.  I knew exactly what I was going to do and how.

As I slipped on the same garter and stockings and skirt from the night before, I was smiling about how I shocked you when my panties were the first thing I took off.

No panties for me today though!

Oh no, Today I was pantiless for you...again!

Im beginning to think Im NEVER going to be wearing panties with you as my Master!

I went to work then, knowing I was going to have lots of fun on my morning commute..

I settled into my car, and started to drive.  Hmm...I think I forgot to tell you I have a stick shift!  I tried and tried to get enough time to reach up and fondle my breasts, as you instructed.  I was thinking about how much I wished they were your hands....like in the story.  But every danged time my hand started underneath my shirt, I had to reach back down to change gears.

GRRRRRRR

I was soo thankful for the contruction that I ran into on the roads.  All the othere people in their cars, I could see their unhappy faces as we were stopped.  Not me though. Nope, I had a smile on my face.

At the first contruction stop, I spent it stroking, pinching and pulling my nippe.  As I had done for you the night before...

Which nipple do you think I was playing with.  the one marked with **  or the one marked with **

Mmm, I was so wet from playing with that nipple..  Remembering you from teh night before!

The second construction stop.  thats when I really got to have some fun.

I hiked my skirt up, above my thighs.  Exposing my garter, so that i could reach down to gently finger my pussy

I was thinking about it being your hand, gliding there. Did you like how soft my outer lips were, as you slid your fingers over them.?

Could you feel the heat as you cupped your palm over my pussy?

Were you surprised at how wet I was, when you slid that one finger in deep?

I couldnt stop the moan that escaped then.

Mmm, those long hot kisses we shared as your fingers stroked me.  I was squirming against you as I tried to get closer to you, to get your fingers to stroke me harder, to get you to hit just that right spot.

Were you surprised at how shamelessly I acted with you, about how my hips humped against your hand, about how completely lost I was to everything in the outside world?

There was only you kissing me, your fingers sliding deep into my pussy.

You WERE surprised at how quick I came for you, weren’t you?

I came out of the day dream to the honking of horns...AND a construction worker knocking on my window.

Oh Shit!

I turned bright red as he said.  "Lady, i do not know where you were in your mind, but I wish I had been there with you!"

Crap!  The situations MY Master gets me into!. 

Im updating my profile.. but this one is still so much of me, I couldnt NOT have it somewhere..

Today's motto:  Jello and Subbies are made for Fun
**For the farmers out there, Horses Hate me***
Hmmm, where to begin.  Maybe the most apt description of me is that I am an explorer.  I have been, for most of my life..a very dominant personality...and yet, as I started to explore this whole world of BDSM recently so that I could be the kind of Mistress my partner needed...I found that I too, wished to explore my limits on the submissive side of life.  So...I am seeking  Master, friend, priest, psychologist to help me along the way.  That's not asking too much is it?  Actually, I would just like someone who is willing to take this long journey with me. I am looking for ONE Master to train my submissive side, and honour my dominant side.

As for limits, likes and dislikes, I have only just started this journey, there are soo many things to explore  Only a few stand out...Definite likes... bondage, spankings, forced sex, light to med pain, oh yeah...can forget it turns out I like messin with the vanilla world, and Im a bit of an exhibitionist.  Definite dislikes, not much yet, other than family

* Ive edited my profile to bisexual, but that is not totally correct.  I am bi-curious...want to explore that side of me, but there wasnt a tab for that!

I wish I could take credit for this little bit of wisdom, but alas i stumbled across it in my endless wanderings today while I tried to keep myself occupied.  I do not remember from whom Im poaching it from, but they are genius. 

NEVER MAKE A PRIORITY OUT OF SOMEONE THAT SEES YOU AS AN OPTION

I wish I could honestly say that I did not see myself, and my longings, my desires in those words. 

This is an ad that I had placed on another site....

I had the whole weekend with which to plan, my mind was racing trying to figure out when and how I could scoot my girls away at night so that I could complete this task for you.

I came up with the perfect plan...having my girls spend the night at their friends on Friday, and the friends spend the night with us on Sat. That way, I could just jump right in and get this done. If you havent noticed....patience is not my strong suit. You tell me to do something, and I want to run out and do it right now...right this very second. I hate waiting.

It was great, I had it all planned. And then I found out that their friends were grounded. I cannot tell you how disappointed I was. There was to be no dirty dancing in Phoenix. I was depressed all night Friday :( I didnt want to do anything, I didnt want to play with the kids, didnt want to surf the web, or chat with friends, didnt want to go out...I wanted to stay home and dance.

I ended up in a funk....thinking that I might have to back out of this dare...or at the very least, end up doing it during the day while the girls were at church on Sunday......but..where's the risk in that? Then it turns out, I wasnt even able to be home while the girls were at church..

I was really bummed, and kinda scared. I looked at that Fond of Writing site, I read your email about some of the things you have your slaves do while writing. Nope, wasnt gonna happen to me.

All day Sunday, Im searching for ways to be alone. It didnt happen, everywhere I went, the girls went, or I met with family or we were out in public. There was no way I was going to ge this done for my master.

I was resigned, accepting that I would be punished. Then my girls said there was a supper at church that night that they wanted to go to.

God had saved me!

I dropped my girls off at church, did a couple of errands to pass the time till it was dark then headed home.

Did I mention WHAT errands I did? Hmmm...guess you'll have to wait to find out.

I flew into the house, ran to the bedroom. Undressed and redressed an headed out to the living room.

The living room is really the only room in the house that you can see the street from. But, luckily for my master it has a huge picture window. 6 feet x 8 feet..

The music was all picked out.

On went the music, and I went to the center of the room to start dancing.

I started out with a black velvet corsett...garters , panties and stockings...(yep..I have a pic, I have a pic)

The panties came off during U2 "it's a beautiful day"

Do you have any idea how hard it is to take off fishnet stocking's while headbanging to the Ramones? Or even to get the danged clips on the garters undone as your boppin around to She's a Sensation. I had the music blarin, and I was head bangin ..it took me two Ramones songs to finally get both stockings and the garter off...I was havin to much fun just cuttin loose and dancing. I havent done that in years. It was great!

The corset got unbotton, slip by slip during Queen's "Body Language"....I was in the disco's back in Germany just cuttin loose all over again. Just dancing away, forgetting about anything else.

I was entirely naked for Faith Hill's "Breathe"... The living room is a big empty room...lots of space.. I got to float around the room, eyes shut just swayin to the music...It felt so free, to be dancing like that. Not a care in the world

I was having so much fun...dancing...headbanging, twirling around the room...that I almost didn’t notice the car pull into the driveway....yikes...the girls were home early.

I had to race...gather up all my clothes and rush to the bedroom to put something on. Thank God I locked the outside door, or they would have walked right in!

I went back out there later, after they were in bed. Do you know? I missed a danged stocking!

I just wanted to say Thank you for this task Master.

It was so much fun. I can’t even tell you how much I enjoyed it. I want to go back out there and do that every chance I get. It didn’t matter to me, that the blinds were open. That someone could see me cupping my breasts, or see my ass as I bent over. I got to cut loose, and it didn’t matter what anyone thought.

I know you were probably expecting me to pick some sultry music...and try to do a totally erotic slow strip tease, and I just ignored that. For that I am sorry. I’m looking back on it, and I realize that I took your task and made it something so much easier for me to do. I would have felt entirely too self conscious trying to do it the way you were expecting. I wish I had recognized that before now.

Sorry my master

The failing of One lil arrogant subbie…

I was given a task  To do something that would please them, and report back.  Seems simple enough.  Only, the task was given to me by someone that I know nothing, absolutely nothing about.

How do you please someone, when you do not know their kinks? When you have no idea what their interests are?

In the end, I just went and choose an action, and I did it. I dressed in a manner that was daring, and sexy and totally unrespectable for polite society, and went to a fancy restaurant

The task itself, it was a task that pushed my limits. While I was dressing, I was thinking of the Dom that I was doin it for, wondering if it would be enough, if it was appropriate. Wondering what his reactions would be.  It may not seem to you later, as you continue reading, that that is the case.. but it was.  For me, this task was very clearly different from my other actions.

I do not think that I failed in this task,  I am still very unclear on this…for in doin my task, I managed to make the Dom angry for another reason.

What I did wrong, was to use this task, to knowingly humiliate another.

See, I was a bad lil subbie.  I had another unpleasant task, that I had to do.  Not one that was given to me, but one borne out of necessity. 

I have, in my life, a man (Master, Dom, I call him stalker, predator, one can call him what you wish), but he is a man that does not understand the words no.  I have said those words many times, I have tried silence, tried banning him, blocking him, but still he pops up under different names, different phone numbers. 

This lil subbie, only wanted to find a way to make him stop.

 But, this lil subbie had not the courage to do such a thing…only, well when the new task came along.  There is something about being given a task by a Master, isn’t there?  That gives one courage where there was none before.

In my arrogance, I thought perhaps.. if I humiliated him, that he would then stop. I knew that my accompanying him at this fine dining establishment dressed like this, would humiliate him. I guess I thought that if he saw I was smart enough to out think him, that if he saw, I was willing to humiliate myself if I had to, to get him to back off, then he would stop his mind-games and leave me alone.

I am all confused, not really sure why the Dom is angry with me.  Oh, he has many reasons to be.

1)      I took his task, and perverted it to suit my own purposes, not his

2)      I knowingly and purposefully humiliated another, I was so very mean.

3)      The other man,(the one that torments me so) he is a Dom, a Master and in being so, deserves a certain amount of respect and yet I showed him no respect at all

All of these would deserve punishment, and yet.. I do not know which of them is the one that really upset the new Dom.

I know, from the emails, that at least #3 is true.  Though I am not certain that I can understand it.

The Dom made a statement  “One persons predator, is another’s hunted”, and I am still trying to wrap my mind around this.

For me, I consider the man to be a stalker, predator, someone to be reviled, hated, scored,

But, after reading that sentence from the new Dom, I can see his point.

In my arrogance, I am looking at things from an entirely vanilla point of view.  Me, who I always thought was more unbiased, more open, more tolerant than most.  I was judging this man, by his actions vs vanilla standards.  Only, he and I, we are not part of the vanilla world.  We met through the BDSM world.

My “stalker”, his behavior is no worse than a Master who is into needles, or stabbing,  While I may not necessarily like them, or agree with them, or ever play or have anything to do with those things.. I tolerate others obsessions with them.  To each their own, right?

So, this “stalkers” kinks are to wear a lady down, to get her under HIS control for her own good..  While I may not agree with them, I should at least be tolerant of them.

The Dom was right, I know he was right.  There are those out there in this BDSM world, that would love to be “stalked” by this man.

So, now I am faced with a problem. Im not really sure how to handle.  On the one hand, this “stalker” man, drives me insane, scares the crap out of me, I cannot handle him in my life. I cannot think anything good about this man, and all my vanilla instincts tell me to get far away, to save others that he might potentially affect the same way as I

  Yet, I can see things from his point of view.. where his actions are entirely acceptable to some, and though his kinks are not mine, I need to respect that they are his kinks.

Can one show respect for a Dom when I am still struggling to feel that respect?

Heck, Like I said, I could have this all wrong... 

For the last year, I hid away.  Thats how I survived.

But, I guess there comes a time, when you have to start slowly letting everyone back in. 

All it takes is one person at a time, right?

Seems easy enough.

 Its funny, I talk on here about the  big issues...and men, they just knock everything down to sex.

Hell, I like sex.  I like it alot. BUT  lets be realistic now...Im female, i can pretty much go out, get sex anytime, anyplace I want.  If that was all I was after..I wouldnt be here.

If thats all your after...well...maybe we should meet up in a bar, and pretend to be strangers. Then we can have our illicit sex in the parking lot and go our seperate ways.

 But dont pretend to be my friend, or pretend to want to be my Master.

The Need for Touch

Lesson # 4 in Subservience 
Remembering to be True to Oneself

We all take different paths on this journey, no one path is right. For me, this path took me where some in the community would consider laughable, where some in the community would take offense. 

I found this out only recently.  I was shocked, truely shocked.  My impressions of the community thus far, had been one of openess, of acceptance. Indeed...one of which, anything pretty much goes.

It hurt to know, that the path I had chosen to walk, would be viewed in such a light. 

Isnt what a sub truely wants, deep down, beyond anything else...is just to be accepted for who and what they are...no matter what?

8 months ago, I was a totally different person. My friends on CM, you would not have recognized me.

I am sorry if my chosen path has offended some, or if it is laughable to others.  For me it is my true course.

I am what I am what I am. 
I am Proud of who and what I am.
I am Proud of what we have accomplished together.
I am Proud to know that there are those in the community that do not judge.
I am Proud to call you Friends.

Thank you for reminding me of all that is good about this lifestyle.

Thank you for reminding me how to smile.