ummmmm....holy crap....this thing works now????  will wonders never cease!!!

Im amazed that there are so few serious, and brave! ladies on here!  I can understand that distance can be an issue, but really!...with all the complaints on profiles about people not being real and not being able to find a true connection or the right attitude...when there are people on here that are really looking it seems that the lights are off and the room is dark!  what gives!!!!!!...ok ....rant over!  on to your regularly scheduled profile avoidance!

and Ero figures!...Mountain biking and Japanese Ero figures......!...lol  Just starting to get into them and...well...anybody want to chat about Orchid Seeds newest or how crazy Gigapulse's newest ero is...let me know!

If you are a sub/switch...and you mountain bike...then why the hell arent you writing me dammit!!??

Back on Maui....slim bloody pickens over here dammit!!  Any girls wanna give maui a try!!..lol

Back in Washington for a month or two...

Still hoping to connect with someone on here some day!  Seems almost comical at this point!!

Headed back to Washington state next month, not looking forward to the cold!!!

so..if anyone had perused my journal entries...lots of wierdness in my life lately...but I would like to say I am very serious about trying to find the proper sub (switch in my profile has more to do with my outlook on life than my view on relationships).  There are so many people that talk and chat and just wonder, but arent willing to actually dive in to a relationship that incorporates D/s energy.  I am very serious about it.  I live on a rock in the middle of big blue water, I know, but I travel tot he mainland alot, have enuff money to meet people or bring them to me, and want to find not just a fling, but someone to build a meaningful relationship with.  If this is at all interesting, please say howdy!

My father died today...the hits just keep coming.

Surgery next week...oh joy...pain inside, pain outside, and wont be able to braid my hair...grrrrr...i need a big pair of scissors or a bus to jump in front of!

yesterday seriously sucked......trying to sort thru another persons lifetime of stuff is a daunting task....

My Mother passed away today...its a very strange strange feeling.....

Self Satisfied

Kiss a lick

Suck then fuck.

Heat, greed-

Feed the need!

To breed-

Spread the seed.

Take, break

Trap the rat.

Fool, fake

Try to lie,

But why?

Both

A lie and a truth

the same, Insane.

Hurt, rend

Fuck a friend.

Set them out

Without a clue

Of what is true

Conscious clear,

Not a fear,

Nor a tear.

Turn away.

Another day

Time to play.

That one,

Get it done,

Through the door

Across the floor.

Flash that smile

Hide the guile

A touch, a rush

Feel the flush!

Trap is sprung

Time for fun

Point my gun,

Hit my stride

Another ride

And I’m Self Satisfied.

I have been contemplating the word moot....great word...moot...i mean, first of all, it ryhmes with coot, which is just cool, and second...its featured prominently in a Rick Springfield song...and you dont get much cooler than that!  I wonder, on the application of the word, as cool as it is, to our lives.  It’s a pretty drastic word, and to say that ones life is moot, well, that’s  a pretty extreme statement.  Yet, the earth is 4.5 billion years old, give or take, and life itself is millions of years old, does one 80 year span of time, truly matter?  Does it truly make a difference?  Does the earth care, does the environment care, does “god” or the powers that be truly notice something as insignificant as a single human lifespan?  It is only in our arrogance, our overgrown, evolutionary aberrant brains, that we, with extreme hubris, announce our importance!  Our pride that says we matter, that we make a difference, that we actually effect our mother earth!!  She has been hit by meteors the size of small cites, travelling at thousands of miles an hour!  She has had volcanoes many times the size of St. Helens erupt, hundreds of times over! 
She has had ice blanket two thirds of her surface…and yet, here she is…still blue, still spinning silently thru the dark void.  So, maybe its not about our greater impact, but a smaller one…about making a difference among our peers, our family, our friends.  Perhaps its too depressing to think about things on a planetary life span, so, perhaps, a narrowing of focus is in order.  What about humanities life span?  Given, I would have to say, there are definitely some lives that have made an impact!  Those pyramids are pretty cool….Hamlet, definitely a good read….a little Ludwig Van…yea, ill take some of that….however, is that a proper way to define a life?  If you leave a lasting impression?  A historically significant contribution?   Does that mean, unless your famous, artistic, scientifically brilliant or otherwise “blessed”, your life falls into the realms of that oh so groovy word, moot?  How does one get up every day, with the idea…well, today, I will make no difference whatsoever! Can one go thru life without a feeling of meaningfulness…if that’s even a word!!  Moot implies pointlessness,  an utter lack of importance, a hopelessness ,that a goal or a plan is without practical meaning.  To say that a particular life, especially if it is your own, is moot, well, that is about as depressing as it gets!  Yet, how do you avoid that observation?  Do the Goth and Emo kids have it right?  When one looks at an individual life, how does one not look at the cup as being half empty?  I am uncompromisingly depressing when it comes to viewing the world….i am pessimistic, dark clouds and rain, monsters under the bed…a dark and stormy night!  Not fluffy clouds and rainbows, dancing unicorns…a sunshiny day!  I don’t know why, maybe because im a Cancer, maybe because I spent to much time playing D&D, maybe I rode the bus by myself too many times as a kid, who knows…it is who I am….however, some times, you have to reevaluate, question your beliefs, and take a different path than the comfortable one you are used to walking.  My grandma died last month.  Two months after her hundredth birthday.  Two weeks before her death, my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer.  These are/were my two parents, the two people I look up to most in the world.  The people that put or helped bring me into the world, and guide my steps in it.  And in one short period of time, the way I viewed them, and their place in my day to day life changed forever.  My grandmother was an artist, an unbelievably talented one.  She was a farmers daughter, lived under the shadow of her husband who died many many years ago, and then shuffled from one family member to the other, helping to take care of sisters, and uncles, and grandchildren.  She never had a career, never made money.  Never worked for a corporation or marched for a cause.  She didn’t display her art in a gallery, or in a museum.  She never made a discovery that would change the world, or contribute to finding the secrets of the universe.  She will be remembered, but only by family and friends.  Her art, almost 85 years of it, will be distributed among the family, and in a couple generations, will more than likely be a vague remembrance of just a hand me down tradition, no longer associated with its creator.  From  a strictly cerebral, logical point of view, did her life have meaning….not really….she didn’t change the earth, change society or culture, add to the overall meaning or enjoyment of mankind as a whole….but, was it moot...no…no it was not.  For, it had meaning to me.  It had meaning to my sister, and my brother, to my mother, and her brother.  It had meaning to the people that she came in contact with, and that will miss her now that she is gone.  The impact of that life, lived quietly, modestly, and unselfishly will resonate through the people that she came into contact with, and with those, who in turn, come in contact with them.  The ripples on a pond from a cast stone is such a well used metaphor, I hesitate to use it, yet, something well used, well cared for, loved and cherished, means that perhaps its use is well deserved.  As those ripples build momentum across the pond, those people see and carry a little piece of the person that was my Grand mother.  Her love of animals, her love of art, her love of family.  Her sly sense of humor, that made you do a double take to check if you heard right, or that she was smiling.  Her family values, traditions based in another century, that, although perhaps outdated, does not diminish the lessons that they hold.  Perhaps, in a small, subtle way, we are all affected by someone’s grandmother, or mother, or father, or second cousin twice removed….for in our day to day dealings, is it not the sum of all those parts, all those stories read, bread baked, fishing trips and bandaged knees, that make, create the face that we present to the people we meet?  The face that smiles at our own children, or our wife or boyfriend.  The face that cries and laughs, screams and yells, hangs its head in shame or looks up with pride.  If a life, a single life, as modest and utterly insignificant, from a certain point of view,  as my grandmothers was moot, how could it, in fact, have that kind of impact?  How could I and my siblings, and my cousins and aunts and uncles and all the people that know her, weep and feel such sadness?  Its not out of frustration, or madness at a sense of unfairness for certain!  She lived a century, and it was a good and healthy life!  She had a soul mate, lovely and healthy children, grandchildren and great grandchildren!  We certainly cannot cry for her in any sense of anger or remorse!  Instead, it is a selfish sadness…a sadness based on what we will be lacking, how our own lives will be diminished thru the absence of her presence.  I submit that a life that leaves an impression, even, if on only one person….if it is lived with grace, with a striving to be good and generous, if it is lived with a desire to live well, and enjoy the time that one is given, and to teach those same values, of good, harmony, balance, and grace, to those around us….that a life is not moot.  That it is a life that was worth living.  That it will go on, thru the ripples in the pond, living.  My mother, is dying, as we speak….every day, is a fight, just to get to the next day.  I lost my grandmother, and soon, I may lose my mother.  She is not old, it is not fair.  It is very unlike my grandmother.  My mother has worked two jobs, and raised three children, and taken care of her aging mother, by herself.  She worked in the same place for thirty years, taking care of, and saving the lives of, strangers.  She lived for her retirement, saving, struggling, trying to make sure her family was cared for to the best of her ability, and when she felt her ability was not enuff, she found someway to exceed that ability.  My sister and I would get so angry with her, because she had no friends, nothing outside of family.  No hobbies, no fun.  She didn’t spend money on herself, her house, her car.  It was only what was needed to care for the family, or get the kids what they wanted.  We would tell her, take a break, go on vacation, buy a car!  Do something!!!!  Live your life…go have fun and be happy!...and she would say, that, her family is all she ever wanted, that it was her joy, her sorrow, her struggle, her definition of what life was about.  Thru her family, she experienced, loved, laughed and enjoyed her life….and for her, that was not only enuff, but the most important thing of all.  My mothers footnote in this pondering is not yet finished.  She might make it thru…if anyone can, it is her.  Will she be the same?  No.  Will her outlook on her life, and that of her children be the same, No.  The big question, will our, her children, her child, my, outlook on her life, be the same?  No.  I used to think that only a life lived, well frankly, selfishly, was worth living.  We only have one, shouldn’t the pursuit of what we want, of what we need to make us happy, be our goal?  If life is meaningless, hopeless, pointless…..moot, then there is no reason not to pursue our goals selfishly.  This does not mean maliciously, or immorally.  This means that, in the end, its about us, not those around us.  My grandmother, and my mother have lived their life in stark contrast to that outlook.  I used to think that a naïve, and outdated way of viewing the world.  Now, obviously, I see how ignorant, and jaded I was in my view.  For it is in that outlook, that approach to life, that we find pointlessness, a lack of importance….hopelessness.  By living life that affects people, that makes a difference in the way a people, or a person, views themselves, or the world around them, then we do, indeed make a difference.  We are not pointless, or hopeless, or without purpose, we are not moot.  My sister has a newborn son, three months old at the time of my Grandmothers death.  He will take a bit, however, of my grandmother, with him as he ages and matures, thru the pictures that he will see of her and him together.  Knowing that she was there when he was born, one of the first people to touch him and kiss him and welcome him into the world.  I will not, cannot, have children.  My die has been cast.  But I hope, that I will someday, have an impact, make a difference.  Be a teacher, a lover, a positive influence on someone, that will give life meaning beyond the selfish indulgence that it can degenerate, so easily, into.  Perhaps I am not meant for that, perhaps, for me, and people like me, life is moot…pointless.  We go through the motions, but never really touch, see, or understand, what its really about.  Oh, not because we wont have kids or wives, or boyfriends or girlfriends, but because we made a choice, to live for ourselves, and not for others.  My Grandmother cast her stone into the pond, as did my Mother.  Its sunset and I look at the water and smile.  The ripples spread across the surface, the wind carrying them to the horizon.  The colors from the setting sun washing the water with pinks and reds, oranges and purples….painting a picture with hope and happiness, of family and love, of laughter, and tenderness.  I know I have a rock in my hand….I, am just not sure, if its to late to cast the stone……

Behind a Blank Screen

I sit behind a closed door

Staring at a blank screen.

The phone is turned off

The stereo speakers muted,

The ceiling fan clicks the time away.

I stand in line at the store

Tourists gabbing innocently and ignorantly.

The checker smiles a tired smile

A lady behind me scolds her kid.

Outside it has started raining.

I walk behind my machine

Its blades grinding merrily along.

Music blasts my ears bloody

Muscles strain in their repetitious constraint.

The moon shines high as I lock up.

I drive my truck home

Newsman drones on about healthcare

Families on the beach, bbq’ing and surfing

A local roars by in the wrong lane, flipping me off

I still have an hour to drive.

I sit at home

door thrown open to smell the breeze

There are no messages on the phone

There are no emails to answer

I know the dialogue to this movie by heart.

I lay in bed

Staring into the dark

The cat is jumping onto the window sill

The ceiling fan is clicking still

Its almost dawn.

I sit behind a closed door

Staring at a blank screen……

hello, once again from the middle of the pacific...just spent two months on the mainland and wow, amazing how things can change in such a short time....it has made me seriously look at how i live my life, and realize how badly i want a partner, in some capacity, to enjoy, explore, and overcome all of the challenges that life has in store for us....if you are fit, witty, young (at heart!), enjoy the outdoors, travel, and being a bit goofy/nerdy/geeky at time, oh...and piercings/tattoos, cant forget those!, I would love to hear from you...Domme/sub...at this point it doesnt matter.  I am much more interested in the journey, than where I am going at the moment...aloha!..and best of luck in everyones hunt!

Olympia, Seattle, and Tri Cities bound!....June 26th thru Aug 13...should be ...interesting!

*Note to self...and anyone else who wants to read it...*...Dont forget to get on the plane to Seattle in two weeks...where you will be spending a month or so in the bright and sunny Olympia area, joy oh joy!!

So...thought I would add a wee bit of gibberish to the mountain of nonsense....to anyone reading this, and most especially to those not reading it...please do pay attention!...I am seriously looking for a sub/switch, (Domme even, given the right energy) to create a life with here on Maui.  I have been here for going on 9 years, own a small company, and enjoy myself immensly, except in the relationship department.  I am looking for someone who is fit, trim, healthy, NS, HWP, creative, a mature kid (figure that one out) that likes to have fun with life and who is willing to travel, explore, and create a lasting relationship, where power exchange, or at least the principles of it, especially trust and intimacy, are explored.  Someone that is anxious to try all that there is out there, that "No" or "icky" is not in their vocabulary, and that can challenge me to be a better Person, just as I can help and encourage them to be the same.  I now return Y/you to My regularly scheduled profile......

Two Coins to pay

when He comes to collect

the one debt

He wont forget

go ahead, struggle

deaf dumb and blind

try to avoid or hide

and still He will find

we shut our hearts

selfish…arrogant…want

crashing thru life

without a thought

in the end

as He takes your hand

will you hold up your head

and stand?

Or does the mirror

Reflect

A shadow of a life

Nothing but regret

Open your eyes

Look around and listen

Grab ahold

And find a reason

Experience life

Don’t just let it pass by

And when he asks for his coins

Smile, and hold your head high

Moonlight Waltz

Depressed repressed

My spirit exposed…undressed.

A Systematic institution,

Of apathetic, resolution

As ashen feet

plod upon a darkened street.

Eyes black, unseeing

Head pounding

Teeth grinding

Head tries to forget,

What my heart will not let.

Balance… I try to keep,

The slope steep,

and Graveyard deep.

As happy people dance

To tunes of hope and romance

Dirt shoveled on my chance.

Rot and decay,

Erodes any hope of play

And though I stay…

I cannot ignore,

That I long for more

Than a life defined

By barren walls confined.

I Struggle to keep in mind,

the coffin is my own making

And I’ve done the undertaking…

Choosing a life observed

Not earned

Far less deserved

Lived half awake

Due to a fear, I cannot shake.

I see that I havent written anything here in a while...so I figured I would...so...anything...and for those of you that would like a different something.....here ya go...somthing...and I am sure there are some of you that know Everything....so all I ask is..the next time you two talk, tell him I want my bowling ball back.....out...

This is me

This is the real me…

Shades of a healing bruise,

The color of clotting blood.

This is me

Black and gray...

A rainstorm roadkill.

Dead end ahead

This is me

Laugh and cry.

Waves of crushing silence,

Whos to hear?

This is me

Sit and stare-

Red Razorblade floor,

Eyes nailed shut.

This is me

Gasp and choke-

Cut throat kaleidoscope

Just cant talk.

This is me

So whos to say?

Words, regurgitate repetition...

Gagging on the real me.

cuddles..and sheets that smell like you...
to ward off the dreams
 that wake me...shivering with cold

an old hat, a ratty shirt ,
 a ghostly touch...
that reminds me that once i had worth

starving sleep deprived, running scared
 hiding from a past...
that i know no longer cares

how did i get here?my fault or    thiers?
my head thinks it knows...
laughing off the guilt my heart bears

so i press on, though i cant say why,
 waiting for a call, a sign...
that today i wont continue to die

little by little, cut and bleeding,
 a smell, a touch my only respite...
to a slow death of my own making.

I think I need to learn how to be a better asshole...pretty sure I would get laid more...or a lesbian...either or would work Im pretty sure...

lonely...

lonely....1 a : being without company : LONE b : cut off from others : SOLITARY
2 : not frequented by human beings : DESOLATE
3 : sad from being alone : LONESOME
4 : producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation.....does this truly describe how i feel...according Mirriam-Webster, if i want to use that word, lonely....then it does indeed.  but doesnt that seem limited.  for instance, how many people feel alone in a marriage or a relationship?  how many people are isolated by their partner, feeling lonely despite that other person sleeping with their back to yours 6 inches away?  many have felt that feeling of isolation, yet they are definitely not "without company" nor "cut off from human beings", at least not in a physical sense.  so does that mean that lonely is a state of mind?  a mental disassociation, a disconnection with those around us?  if that were so, if lonely were simply a state of mind it seems that when we are lonely, we could just throw a switch, flick that mental circuit breaker and be in a state of affection, or a state of glee and gaity.  i mean, if webster says that lonely is just a lack of human contact, then hanging out in the mall, a bar, with family, or friends should shape things up quite a bit, right?  but what if its not just mental....what if lonely is a physical reaction to an environment percieved?  an environment whose very nature seems foreign, that leaves us adrift on a churning sea whenever we venture out into it.  what if lonely is a physical state of being, like hunger, or thirsty, a body function telling us, warning us of an unsafe and or unkind environment?  and if that is the case, what do we do when every step of every day screams at us, reminds us that we are lonely.  the contact list in ones cell phone is naught but clients and take out restaurants, perhaps the name of particularly close hairdresser.  entering ones own apartment is an excercise in champion hopscotch, dodging the piles of soda cans and clothes piles...both dirty and clean....books and cds, stacks of dvd's or video games, random road hazards that to anyone entering this cavelike domecile might spell utter doom in the form of a stumble, tumble, or stubbed toe, but who cares, one realizes...no one enters but themselves.  ones car is a second home perhaps, a mobile office stocked with everything from energy drinks to extra underwear...the roving office allowing one to work anywhere and everywhere, seeking any excuse to be able to focus on a task away from the starkness of that empty apartment.  alone, i know, is a wonderful thing for many, and although webster does indeed define it in definition number three as a sad thing, many people gain wisdom, insight, and dare i say happines from being alone.  are there two different types of alone?  how does one switch from the bad one to the good one?  is there a pill?? a shot?  perhaps a hammer to the back of the head will do?  but i digress a wee bit....alone as a physical reaction to a state of being.  if this holds, then could one not just meet up with a "friend", or acquaintance, perhaps just a client, or the checker at the food counter...have a quick conversation, a joke or two, maybe a laugh...slap on the back...aloha...and all is good...like grabbing a burger when your hungry, or a gatorade to quench that thirst after a particular nasty round of Halo??  if it is just a physical response, then why isnt there a physical solution?  i know, find a friend right?  go to a party, get laid..whatever arbitrary answer that involves finding someone for the immediate quick fix.  but thats all that is, a fast food fix.  one cannot change a physical reaction to ones environment by taking a pill...one can lessen the symptoms, can maybe even stop them for a time, but the basis for those feelings still surrounds us...ever have allergies?  claritin works pretty good, but eventually, you get a runny nose again. 

i have been lonely for going on 8 years now.  i have been lonely with others around me, and i have been lonely in a box that is my home.  i work, alone, i play, alone, i even talk alone...and this would be an example of that.  is it my perception that makes me this way, or is it my circumstance?  do i want to be isolated from the paradise that is around me?  hell no!  can i change it, run out and shake the hand of the first person i meet and say aloha im....!...hell no!!  as bad as my physical response is to being alone, i cannot seem to find that placebo, that super-wonderbar pill that allows me to say the right things, dance the right jig, smile the right smile and make that connection with friends, family, and lover that keeps them in my life.

there are many kinds of alone, for many it is a great and positive thing.  for many it is a prison of unending greyness, a colorless cast to all around us, filtering out the wonder and magic and leaving a leaden heaviness to every day.  alone is a place, a prison whose locked doors are barred with our own fears, inadequacies, and failures.  rejection, heartbreak, insult, ineptitude, doubt, and the heart of a fool...all locks on a very very big door.

I am the toucan.....walrus was already taken...