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Wow.. it's been forever since I posted here. Im not even sure when journaling opened back up. Last weekend was 1 year since my husband/ex Master passed away. It's been a journey of refinding myself, of re discovering independence and my own abilities to take care of "honey do" jobs around the house, and of learning to put myself first. I've gone back to favorite recipes I hadn't made in years because he didnt like them, I've thrown out the foods I never liked but had because he liked them. I've even learned to install a doggie door and a keyless entry by myself:)
And I've gone through several cycles of being mad and sad, and mad and sad again. I didn't like the man he became, but I will always treasure the many years with the man he used to be. And while it's been a bumpy road, I like this version of me that has come out of it all. A me that wouldn't exist without the strength he gave me for years.
Be well wherever your soul rests, Daniels. |
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So I'm married. Not something I mention often. He was my Master at one point, and then decided to be sub instead. Which kind of put the end to any relationship between us as I'm NOT Domme.
We had an agreement that as long as things are up front and honest, we each have the right to fill our own needs however we choose.
Funny, I didn't think that meant lying and hiding while trying to find a Domme WHILE I was in the hospital. |
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Jiggity jiggity jig!!
Heading home from the hospital! Still can't walk yet and in lots of pain, but way better than it was. |
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I'm going to change my nick to insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results |
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Ok,I'm grumpy as hell today. The infection in my leg, originally from a spider bite, has turned into cellulitis. And it hurts. I'm in the hospital on heavy IV antibiotics and pain meds.
Point being.. I recognize I'm grumpy. But why does it seem like the idiots are multiplying lately? And idiots may be too strong of a word. But I seem to be attracting every gamer, weekend warrior, totally inexperienced but thinks he is Dom because he says so, and liar out there. As sub, I hate to say don't msg me if...
But don't message me if you're not local, unless you just want to talk, and have something interesting or funny to say. Don't message me expecting more than friendship if you have an SO that doesn't know about your BDSM interests and forays. Don't message me if you're not willing to be 100% honest, with me and others. Don't message me if you think you've earned being called "Sir" or "Master" simply because you texted. And last (for now), don't text me if you think your dick or your toy bag are the most important things you have to offer a partner. |
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If anyone ever had doubts... trying to "play" while nauseous doesn't end well |
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So I'm bored. I have an infection in my leg making it difficult to walk, so I'm trolling profiles. It's amazing how quickly I'm building a HUGE list of "hide user" folks. Ones I think are unrealistic, dangerous, have nothing to say, or I simply don't ever want to see again. Oh, and those who's primary picture is a dick pic. To me, sexual satisfaction is way down the list of priorities when discussing BDSM.
Laughing.. before long I will be left with like 20 visible profiles |
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So I'm curious... how many people here that state they want (or don't want) a 24/7 relationship realize that you can be Master/Mistress and sub/slave 24/7 without being "on" 24/7?
Being in a 24/7 or TPE relationship doesn't mean there is going to be physical play every minute, or that the sub/slave will be in chains every minute. The night might consist simply of watching a movie together, sharing popcorn, snuggling up together as you go to sleep.
It simply means you acknowledge your role in the relationship always. When I had this is my life, it meant I kept the house clean to his standards, I made sure to cook meals I knew would please him, I offered to get a drink or snack for him, and I always did all I could to please him. Yes, many times it also meant I was in the corner quietly reading a book and he would call me over for whatever amused or pleased him at the time.
The point is he was always Master, whether he was overtly showing it at any given point or not. And I was always thrilled to please him in any way possible. |
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Had some pretty awesome play the other night. Actually, the physically roughest I've had in yrs. It was so nice to just curl up and go peacefully to sleep after. |
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Soooo. Trying to rekindle D/s between me and the ex has been a dismal failure. Stupid me for thinking things could change |
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Have you ever wanted something.. craved something.. so bad you feel like you're going to fall apart without it? Have you had that so close in your grasp and it's taken away? Time and time again?
Are my only choices really to sit here feeling hopeless and lost or to go the route of casual play? Not putting down casual play, but for me at least.. I can't let go, I can't just be, with someone I don't know and trust. Is an empty promise of what I want and used to have even worth pursuing? |
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So.. things have been going great with the not-so-ex Master. And now we've hit a stumbling block. An old one. Not sure I even want to kick it out of the way. And yes, that's probably just me feeling tired and discouraged. It's something I compromised on, not something I wanted. And now it seems he's taken that compromise and is obsessing over it. At the moment, I feel I'm getting lost again. |
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I had my first chance to Domme last night. Not something I've been interested in even trying. And ok, I was tipsy. I can only hope the guy enjoyed it as much as he seemed to. And it was far from anything heavy. More teasing than anything. But at least it did away with the "squicks" for me |
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I'm a happy chick today. Ex Master and I are rebuilding our relationship. There are times I get into that same old headspace and call out "Master.. please", even though he isn't Master at this point. But we're talking through it, rediscovering each other and why things were so great for so long between us.
AND.. I got to see my baby girl today (daughter). She lives thousands of miles away, and was in town for a very brief period, but I got to see her, hug her, and feed her.
My world is happy at this point, even though I'm exhausted. |
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So I apparently got bitten by a spider. And it locked up my whole lower leg and I've been unable to walk even for almost 2 weeks. I am FINALLY seeing improvement after being put on steroids and antibiotics. But can I say.. this sucks!!!
I am used to being the one to give, and cook, and clean, and make HIS life better. I hate having to ask him to please bring me coffee, or to please cook dinner. This is NOT me. And after everything I've been through, to be brought down by a spider!
But today.. I managed to get up and feed the animals. That may not seem like much, as their food (cats and dogs) is only a few feet away. But to me, it was the first step back to independence, so I can depend on Sir for other things :)
One small step at a time |
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So usually I put the dogs out before Sir and I do anything. But it was late last night, and my leg was hurting so we decided not to bother. The lab mix quickly went into the other room when the paddles came out. But the dachshund/Chihuahua mix curled up around my head, with her nose tucked under my neck. She'd alternate between that position and glaring at Sir. Unfortunately, every time I laughed at her, I was reminded I had other things to pay attention to.
But paddles and knives and paddles and knives again certainly made for a pleasant way to slip off to sleep. |
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I've mentioned how much I love knives. There is nothing like the feeling of one dragging across your skin. Well, last night I was down. My leg has been hurting so bad I can't walk, and I hate being dependent on others for help. So Sir pulled out the switchblade while I was asleep. I woke to the feel of it digging into my nipple. Any way, he scratched up my cunt with it a bit, and then was playing with my clit with the point of the knife. Next thing I feel is something slipping inside of me. Now logically, I knew he wasn't fucking me with the knife blade. He was using the handle inside me. But what a headspace!
He had me sit up slightly and watch... watch myself cum over and over with this blade sticking out of me. Geeze, I need this to happen every day :) |
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Wouldn't you know.. I've been feeling better. Been enjoying getting to re know my ex Master and spend time with him... and I'm having issues with my right leg, the "good" leg. Trying to hold off on going to the hospital. Dammit, I have a nice dinner planned tonight! |
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Knives are such wonderful things. There's nothing quite like hearing a switchblade open next to your ear, and then you feel it drag slowly down your body. Feeling the scratches across your beasts and nipples before he stops it, touching your clit. And you know you can't move. You have to hold still so the only pain inflicted is intended and not accidental.
Oh man switchblade, how I missed you. |
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I love when I read that someone is a leader in the Atlanta community. First, if you're a leader, you don't need to state it. People will know. Secondly, I haven't been out much in recent years, but I still know plenty who are. I have a clue. If I've never heard a certain person's name, right or wrong, I will question that claim.
Ok, rant over for the day. Now it's time to relax and look forward to some knife play later :) |
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So its weird. Ex Master and I are exploring, for lack of a better word. We're both hoping that this may lead back to what we once had. I'm not sure if that's possible. I trust him physically, I know he will never hurt me.. at least not past what I want. Ok, not too far past that.
But it's been a long time, and some bad "stuff", and some really negative feelings. Is it possible to rebuild from scratch, so many years later? |
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My dogs are perverts. The cat is in heat. The two female dogs are quite happy to perform cunnilingus on her. She's quite happy to have them do that too. They don't listen when i tell them they can't have lesbian interspecies sex! |
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About to play with the ex again. It's not a perfect arrangement, but he can certainly make me instantly respond like I did when i was his. |
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This note is to a specific person, who I found out today through a mutual friend enjoys reading the stuff i dump on here, and has for a long time. Come forward, please. Say hi :) I'm honestly impressed and honored that you were able to discuss at least one of my entries without looking it up! |
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I'm freaking. 30 mins left. Do I change my mind? Do i go for it? How do i handle giving to the man who used to be my world, and tonight he's a means to an end? |
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So you know I'm needy when I ask the ex Master to beat me. I'm nervous. Yes, I need it. I do. But I'm not his anymore. The relationship is way different. I haven't played in 9 yrs, and I've been through some really painful medical stuff. I honestly don't know how I will react. |
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Who is in middle GA and wants a totally meaninglessness one night stand of sadism and debauchery? Yes, it's late. Yes, I'm a gimp. So what? |
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I'm so tired of lies, and liars. I'm so tired of games. If you have an SO, in any way.. terrific for you. But don't try to get with me and lie about it. I'm not touching a man with an SO unless I can verify its ok and within their relationship boundaries. Every relationship has its own "box".. I respect your box. I just don't want to.be a hidden side |
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I hate feeling out of control. I hate the need to give and let myself be pushed until I stop thinking and just be. At least, I hate those feelings since there's no one to help with them. How hard is it to find a decent, honest, local Dom with similar interests?
And no, I dont mean online. I mean in general. |
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Ok, I know some truly amazing people in this lifestyle. Straight, gay, trans, bi, lesbian, tops, bottoms, switches, monogamous, poly, etc etc etc. Most, I look up to even when I don't agree with them. Why? Because they're honorable. They are who they are, they don't lie about it, they're upfront about what they they want with all involved, and you won't catch them trying to hide or sneak. One Dom I know I really don't like because I have always considered him a horn dog and I think he uses BDSM simply to get into chicks' pants. But you know what? I have to respect the guy. He is totally honest about what he does.
The few out there that aren't this way, however, leave a sour taste behind for all.
Folks.. be you. Trust the people in your life and be honest. I promise, it's much easier to totally disagree with someone but still respect them, than to ever want to talk to someone that's not truthful.
*NOTE: this is not directed specifically towards anyone on this site. Just life in general |
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I've got a demon screaming inside me to be let free. Screaming at the top of its lungs... "TAKE ME, CLAIM ME, USE ME, PUSH ME".
That voice is hard to ignore. The sane part of me is trying to block it. Because I haven't met the right Dom yet. Because I don't have the man in my life I can trust and respect enough to give up my self control and just be. Because I know what it's like to give all that up, and pretending to for a night would be nothing more than a tease. It might shut the demon up for a few hours, until it came roaring back, hungrier than ever. I'm not sure I could handle being hungrier. |
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Tonight I'm in the mood for something I seldom want: to let some man whom I'm not in a relationship with just push and push until the world recedes and I simply fall asleep. I don't do random play. I don't give up myself in that circumstance, which makes it just.. less. But tonight, if I knew anyone half way decent nearby, that's what I'd be asking for. |
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Honesty, communication, and mutual respect. I read those words today, in a way that applied to a BDSM relationship. I will take it a step farther and apply it to any relationship. This includes friendship, romance, friends with benefits, marriage, and many more.
I'm trying to decide which of those 3 words is more important, or maybe builds the foundation for the others. My first reaction is honesty. I accept many grey areas in my life, but I am black/white about honesty. I will lose every shred of respect for someone over the smallest sign of dishonesty.
But you also need to communicate to have that honesty. An omission can be as big a lie as a commission. And that communication and honesty lead to respect.
On the other hand, if you respect someone, or want someone's respect, then communication and honesty are part of showing that respect.
Others might say it starts with communication. But I also know there are some things that I will not communicate until there is some level of trust and respect.
I don't guess it matters where it starts. The 3 together are the foundation of any relationship. And the lack of any of the 3 is certainly a sledgehammer that will destroy a relationship quicker than you can blink.
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Ok, so I'm open to looking. I want a Dom to make me feel whole. I don't want long distance, or phone, or cyber. Now, having said that.. like any 52 yr old, I bring baggage. I haven't gone into details about medical issues, but know they took me yrs to overcome so they weren't simple. As I get to know a Dom, I will open up about these. They really have no bearing until and unless someone decides he wants to go further, and we are a fit. I will say this.. I live with my ex Master. Yes, that's weird. We just work together to make life happen. There is no sexual, BDSM, or any other relationship between us. I'm perfectly willing to let a Dom contact him and verify that. Believe me, if there was anything between us, it wouldn't have been 9 yrs since I served, or, to be blunt, fucked. |
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THIS IS OLD, JUST NEWLY POSTED
I owe you an explanation. I owe you an apology. I believed in you. I trusted when you said I was special. I believed when you made boundaries for us both. I trusted in you so deeply that I would sell my soul for you. And in spite of having it proven over and over again that your words were lies I believed. I felt on top of the world because I was yours. I didn't want to believe that was meaningless. I didn't want to believe that every word out of your mouth was a lie. I didn't want to believe I was so stupid. I didn't want to believe I could place my trust where it wasn't wanted. I'm sorry. I thought you were honest and respectful. I thought you were someone I could believe in. I never expected to have to understand I was so incredibly stupid.
I'm sorry i expected more than you were able to give, or wanted to give. I'm sorry in more words than I can say. I'm sorry |
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I usually don't write here a whole lot, especially personal stuff. But I think it's been years since I've felt so unworthy, so unwanted, so unable. I want. I want so badly I feel like it bleeds out of me. I want a Master to own me, and use me, and make me feel His. And I don't think it will ever happen again.
Don't mind me while I go bury myself in bed, alone. |
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Question for anyone that bothers to read this.. what do you do if someone violates your personal privacy? A previous Master, in rl, with whom I lived for 12 yrs, shared personal medical information about me. No, I dont have an STD or anything:) Just details of what I've been through that i had repeatedly asked not to be shared. It's personal, and I will choose whom i wish to share it with. And i don't share it lightly.
Isn't BDSM supposed to be about personal choices? Don't we each have the right to expect our privacy to be valued? And dammit, it's illegal to go shoot his nuts off! |
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And then to top off tonight to.find out that someone I should be able to trust 100% lied to me :/ |
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Funny, and now I've been blocked by one because he wouldn't confirm whether his SO knew he wanted to meet a sub. I have my own needs, which are open for changes, but one thing I will not do is be the unknown side chick. Any person's relationship is up to them, and as long as we all reach agreement I don't have to be the primary, or alpha, or whatever. I just don't want to be part of a lie. |
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So I'm ready to very cautiously look. Note.. very cautiously. There's an interest in one or two. There's parts of me I don't talk about online, but I'm an open book once I begin to open up to someone.
And I'm still scared. I haven't served in what seems like forever. I swear, I'm a born again virgin! And with the physical issues I've had, I've lost a lot of my self confidence. No, I don't want to text/email forever, but I also need to learn to trust again.
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Well,darn.. I actually wrote a new journal entry, and it didn't post.
In short, some things in life have greatly changed, others have not. I'm still not ready to find another Master, or to place myself out as looking.
I'm no longer in Atlanta, but still in GA.
I'm REALLY an empty nester, as my daughter moved to Denver and is sharing an apt with my son. They both love it there, and it's awesome to see them move forward in their lives. But yes, I miss them.
I come here to communicate with a few friends, and occasionally make a new one. I miss all the joys of living with a Master. At least this keeps me connected a bit, as I seldom attend munches or parties these days.
Friends are welcome, but I ask that you respect I do not feel ready for more :) |
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I'm going to be plain in the hopes of cutting out some emails. 1. I'm just here to chat, and catch up with friends. I'm not physically ready to find a Dom, or even a play partner yet. 2. If you're not local, it ain't going to happen, even when I feel better. I don't want a long distance relationship, even for a short while. I hate to sound contrary, and im really happy for those of you willing to relocate, or move a sub to you.. but that's not my interest. |
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Ok, I have to say this again.. while friends can develop over distance, I ONLY go local for BDSM involvement. I need that daily interaction, in person. And I typically find any partner through real life events. But thank you for the offers of cyber and or long distance, or the "I messaged you once, you don't know me,but let me tie you, beat you, and fuck you" |
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I just found out this site was live again. So a brief update on me..
The last several months have been difficult. I went through a major illness and surgery. I needed help while I recovered, so moved in with D/s friends for a bit. However, they already had 4 dogs, so I had to rehome my 5. That was one of the most difficult decisions of my life! On the good news side, my daughter graduated UGA with two degrees, and my son came home from Denver for a visit! |
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Thought I was done with the surgeries, but I'm not. One more tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed |
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I've had a couple of people ask lately if my disability will get better. Folks need to understand... I hate being disabled. If I could change it, I would in a heartbeat. But I don't feel sorry for myself because if it, or want pity. A few years ago, I could barely take 5 steps. I couldn't stand up straight. I had to crawl up stairs. And I had to be lifted in or out of the tub. Now, I take care of my animals by myself, I cook and clean, I do my own shopping, and I WALK up stairs and bathe by myself. I'm proud of where I am |
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I want...
- to hear him say "kneel, bitch"
- to feel his hands grasp in my hair
- to feel that rush as he proves his dominance over me
- to hear him growl in my ear "cum, slut"
- to hear myself whimper and beg for more as he uses the cane on my sore body
- to know again the fight to hold still as his knife slashes across my bottom
- to beg and whine ... "Please, Master. Use your slut however brings you pleasure. Take me, use me, make me yours"
- to be at peace, safe in his arms. or at the foot of his bed.
Note: "he" is unrecognized at this point. Waiting for the one who can lead me there |
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What is it about the term "local" that is so difficult to understand? It does not mean 4, 6, 8 hours away. |
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My daughter has a date with her sugar daddy today. I need to get them to take me with them! |
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A little about me:
I have two children. One lives in Denver and the other goes to UGA. They are the most important things in the world to me. I love animals. They make me feel complete. I'm a huge Atlanta Braves fan. My favorite player (now ex) is Brian McCann. I enjoy doing puzzles, cooking, and reading. I'll read almost anything except how-to books, the dungeons and dragons type of sci fi, or vampire stuff. I lived in a 24/7 D/s relationship for over 12 yrs. we were active in the local scene. He was the Master of my dreams but decided he no longer wanted D/s in his life, and I quickly realized without that foundation, we had little in common.
I want what I had. I realize no new relationship or Master will be the same. That's fine, and gives me something to look forward to. What I want to duplicate is the trust, and communication, and having someone that knows me so well. And someone I can give completely to, and respect so much that every ounce of my being wants to serve him.
And last, I'm disabled. I walk about 50 feet at a time. I can clumsily get into a kneel, but would need help getting up. I do my own chores. It just takes forever with lots of breaks. I can't push a lawn mower. But I can still rock some man's world :) |
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my response last night, when asked what I was looking for...
Local, honest, a good sense of humor. Sadistic and sweet. Honorable. A good friend. Someone not afraid to put me in my place. A partner who won't take any b.s. More, one who will make me want to not give him any b.s.
someone who understands the brain is the biggest sexual organ. Someone who understands my medical issues and works around them while not letting them be a deterrent.
Someone who can be a role model to my kids, and then grab me by my hair and pull me to my knees when we're alone |
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I'm bummed today. I'd really hoped to start the new year with at least having a Dom I was getting to know better. In person, not via texts/emails/phone. But while I've met a couple, and made good friends, the one Dom I've met that I thought really had potential for more just doesn't have time in his life to start a new relationship right now. So here I sit, making plans on my own for the new year.
On the other hand, my daughter will be home tomorrow after a year in Australia! For a whole week before moving back to UGA. I am so ready to see her |
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Bleached the kitchen counters today. Made brownies. Decided on brownies for dinner. Now, if I only had someone to serve them to |
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Guys, please please please read a profile at least before messaging a chick. I don't want casual play. I don't want long distance. I don't want a daddy Dom, although I have a couple of terrific daddy Dom friends. I'm sure you've got chicks to hit in who better meet your own interests. And I promise, a lady is much more impressed if you've taken even 5 minutes to check them out! |
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Been fighting off a borderline migraine all day. It's because I need play!! (That's my story and I'm sticking to it) |
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If I weren't post menopausal, and a born again virgin, I'd think I was nesting with all the cleaning I've been doing |
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So at least I have a sense of accomplishment today. Kitchen and living room cleaned, dishes done, dinner almost ready in the crock pot. And fresh bread baked. It may not seem like a whole lot, but it's a lot for one day for me. Tomorrow, I attack the dining/storage room.
Just ts think what I might get done for a Dom :) |
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Another holiday spent alone. Well, without a Dom in my life. Instead, I spent the day with kinky friends. In a jealous haze :) |
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Why does this site differentiate between a sub and a slave, but not a Dominant and a top? Or submissive and bottom? |
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Helping a friend who's recovering from surgery. Be a lot more fun if she were Domme |
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I've been venting my frustrations over not having a Dom by baking. Sure am glad my friends love sweets! |
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Feeling blue today. I really need to find someone to give me some black and blue |
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Off to domcon, in the rain. Let's see how long my hair holds up |
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Thinking of everyone in and around Sydney. Just spoke to my daughter in Newtown and she's pretty stressed about the fires |
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So I'll be at Domcon tomorrow. And it will be too cool to wear what I'd planned. And I'm exhausted after a couple of sleepless nights. So I plan to nap today, eat a good dinner, and figure out an alternative outfit. So looking forward to catching up with old friends |
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I made the *best* dinner tonight. Especially the baked onion, wrapped in bacon and topped with butter and parm cheese. Now I just need a Dom to serve it to |
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Back down to the perfect size. Got my hair cut and colored. This is the first time in a long time I've felt well enough to care what I look like. Looking forward to Domcon next weekend. I missed it last year due to surgery |
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Browsing through profiles brings one thought to mind tonight: it's bad when some guys have a better looking tush than my own! Mines too skinny |
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To the guys posing as chicks here, here's a hint. Bra sizes in the US only come in even sizes. 37D doesn't exist |
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There's " mega stuff" Oreos now??? |
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Lol. Been breaking out like crazy lately. IN the tub. No makeup. Dye in my hair. Send a pic to my best guy friend and he says he loves me. Friends like that are irreplaceable |
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Days like today, bathing all the dogs, makes me wish I were Domme and had a sub to help out |
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By the way, Atlanta folks or anyone halfway local... Don't forget Domcon is about to happen. Even if you don't want to attend any classes, it's a great way to meet fellow kinksters and just soak in the atmosphere. No special dress required, unless you go to any of the formal events. Leather, lace, rope and whatever always enjoyed by those watching :) |
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Long hot bubble bath today With skin-softening oils. a facial scrub. Deep conditioner on my hair. Shaved. Then a nice shower to get all that off me. Now if only I had somewhere to go and someone to do |
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There are so many "youngsters" on here. Those less than 25 or so. I laugh when I read the profiles. From a submissive ... "If a sub doesn't like something, the Dom shouldn't do it". Or "spankings are for punishment only. Otherwise it's abuse". Or the young Doms. This is a generalization, yes, but I'm looking back from many yrs of experience. At that age, you don't know yourself or the world well enough to be Dom or sub. You can certainly enjoy the play, and be in a great position to learn more about those future roles. You certainly look nice for the most part. I think I'd be much more impressed to find one that said "I think I'm a <fill in the blank>. I'm doing all I can to learn more about it". |
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So I was trying to open a stubborn can tonight, but was having trouble. I used my thumbs to bend the partially open top back. And as I'm thinking "what a stupid idea" my one thumb slipped and the can top went into the base of my thumb at an angle. To the bone and across the whole base of my thumb. Mother f'n hell! |
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I'm so proud of me! Made it to my weight goal and actually am one size smaller than I'd intended |
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Try to be honest about what's going on in my life and get dissed. Whatever |
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Today's rant: please learn that someone with a dominant personality dominates others. The words are not interchangeable |
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I woke this morning really missing the days of belonging. Of waking snuggled with my Master, or waking with him grabbing my hair as he thrusts roughly into me. I miss knowing my day will be spent pleasing the man in my life, and kneeling at his feet. I miss cooking a wonderful meal for him and smiling softly as I clean up. I loved being owned. From my head to my tip toes. Sometimes I wonder if I'll find that again. Most times I'm more than happy to take it slow, not rush in to anything. Other times, like now, I want it to happen NOW! |
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A friend just texted me by accident. All I can say is "lucky guy" |
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Doggie spa day. Kills me to bathe all 5 dogs. Ugh. 3 down though! On days like today I really need my own sub |
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Bored and going through profiles. There's one I just read, a male sub who loves to do housework. Almost makes me consider going Domme, at least until the house is sparkling |
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Oreos tonight. Omg, who needs a man to orgasm? I've been avoiding sugar, having successfully lost a bit over 40 pounds, and within just a few pounds of my weight goal. But got Oreos tonight. Screw the diet. I'm going to live off Oreos for the next month |
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Sigh. I want my mind taken. Trust and respect earned in pieces. I miss belonging, but am wary. And yeah, I fight giving up that control. It's been just me. As much as I want, it's difficult to let loose |
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Today's lesson: people that don't walk well shouldn't try to ride bicycles! |
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So the day started quietly. Me sipping coffee as I call the doctors office to leave a msg. In the middle of this, my 70 pound pitbull "puppy" jumps onto my lap, spilling HOT coffee all over my bare crotch. I hope whoever listens to the doc's messages is wearing earplugs |
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A little more about me. I'm old and very experienced in a live in D/s relationship. I'm not seeking casual sex, play with strangers, online D/s, helping a stranger get his jollies, etc. Please, if your idea of getting to know someone is "I like your pictures, so I want to own you", I'm sure there are other chicks better suited for you.
I'm a picky bitch. I want to know a Dom well enough to know what makes him tick, and Him know me, before even discussing the possibility of taking this further. And I eventually want another live in D/s relationship. That means if you're not local, it's unlikely to happen. If you don't bother to take my mind before caring about play, it'll never happen.
Sorry to be blunt, but maybe this will save you time |
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The idiots are multiplying! How can you say you want to be someone's Master or sub simply from reading what they've posted here? It might pique your interest, but c'mon folks. Be real. If the person saying they want to own, or be owned by, someone they don't know at all isn't a gamer than they're dangerous |
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The weather matches the way I feel today. Blah.
Found out I still have some healing to do before I'm ready for much. But I'm getting there! |
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Yay! Got my stitches out finally. And my doc is cute and sadistic so almost enjoyed it |
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I was reminded today that there are still good people around, ones who will help others they don't even know that well. To a certain someone, thank you. You'll never know how much this meant |
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2 more weeks of stitches and no bath. Dammit! |
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I go to the doc tomorrow for a 3 week check up. At 830. Yuck! I don't think the doc will take the stitches out yet and I'm pretty sure my blood thinner level is too high. But overall, I'm doing well. Now if the dadgummed nerves would heal, I'd be happy |
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I need to clarify, obviously. While I'm honored by the mails I've received, I am not looking for long distance, the occasional visit, satisfying the horny needs of a stranger, etc. I may play casually with someone I know and trust. I will not jump into bed, ropes or chains with a stranger, nor make ANY commitment of any sort because we've shared 3-4 emails |
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Ok, I'm sick of being sick. Need to find someone to give me a good caning or whipping. I really really want some knife play, but that's not smart right now. Only problem? Don't know anyone local I want to play with, that I think would be open to it. And others are too far away. But I shall overcome this somehow, I really need the release |
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Looking for a local Domme To remind my SO how much fun D/s can be. Email me for info |
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Anyone local to Atlanta. Must sell: 1997 mustang convertible. 100k miles. Good shape. Message for details. 3500 OBO |
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Soaking in a hot bath. Trying to recuperate from being knocked on my ass by a couple of my dogs today. Not the fun kind of sore!!! |
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So my daughter's been in Australia for 2 months now. I miss her every day. Only 9.5 months until she's home. And my son has been staying with me for a couple if weeks. But he's moving to Denver next week. This kids growing up thing sucks |
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A total body scrub while taking a long hot bath. Now if I only had someone to enjoy how soft my skin feels |
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So I'm trying to train a hyperactive 4 month old pitbull. My roommate is totally inconsistent with her. He really needs to understand how badly he's back pedaling the training I'm doing |
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Baseball season, specifically Braves season, had started again. I might be able to live until I'm well enough to find a Dom! |
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Taking a long hot bubble bath. While it feels good on sore muscles, I'd rather be being used, caned, knifed, degraded and taken forcefully. One day all that will happen again |
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Missing my baby girl. Considering (note: considering) looking for a Dom. Just, well.. I'm a picky ass. Don't care for casual play. Don't want online. Need to know someone well enough to let loose. Not up for going out partying much. Can't kneel or fetch or do so many if the service oriented things that are important to me. Hmm. Might take more consideration |
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Baby girl had Internet in Australia now. So I get to Skype and see she's ok. Almost as good as a good flogging! |
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So I'm throwing a pity party tonight. I want a Dom. Forget health issues! And I'm really missing my baby girl, who's been in Australia for two weeks now |
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In 48 hours, I'll be returning home from the airport with an empty heart. I still can't believe my baby girl is moving so far away |
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My "baby" leaves in 2 weeks. Moving to Australia for a year of study abroad. And my sons moving to Denver in April. I'm already going through withdrawals! |
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It's sad I'm using my dog's pain meds (human strength). The vet gives pain meds like candy, while I fight my doctor for the same |
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God, I want a Dom. I need one. I need someone to be in charge other than me. I need someone to say "let me handle this". Beyond the physical, I need not to be in charge of 4 lives every minute. God, please... Let me meet some tall, dark, handsome sadist who can shoulder my day to day life |
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New stove was delivered a week ago. I love it!!! And have been cooking/baking up a storm. New fridge was due a week ago. They called tonight to say they'd deliver between 7-9 tomorrow night. Told them to get it here by 5 or refund it.
New puppy is settling in well. She's 6 weeks old today, and has grown 3" in 3 days, with an inch in diameter around her neck. She's fun, but quite a handful. My other dogs still aren't sure about her, except the cocker. Those two have a ball playing together.
So overall, good things are happening. I'm even getting out and about a bit more.
Happy new years |
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So I've had a fun few days. New stove and refrigerator, new cookware and baking ware, new crockpot, and then today had to buy a new vacuum cleaner. |
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And all 8 animals to the vet today. Various issues being taken care of. They're all spending the night at the vet's, mostly so they can be well treated and groomed. The house seems so quiet! |
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Sooo.. I ended up picking out a new stove that's about 40% more costly than planned, AND a new fridge. Merry Christmas to me! |
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So BDSM isn't happening in my life til I'm better. So what do I find to excite me? (Besides a new puppy). I'm buying myself a new stove for Christmas!!! |
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Taking a bubble bath, and can't decide whether to read, or watch something on Hulu. Damn, the things I need a Master for |
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To comments from some that I'm "always whining"... I don't consider this journal as whining. I consider it a reflection of my life and thoughts. Right now, BDSM isn't a part of my life until I'm better, so feel free to block me. Unfortunately, even the life of a sub has vanilla struggles we must get through. I'll get back to discussing bondage and submission and play eventually :) |
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I hate waiting for things. In a short-term financial crunch. A friend is sending a "bit" of cash, which will help. Another 10 days and the worst will be over. Another 10 days or so after that, and its over. Just ugh. Ugh ugh ugh |
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I'm getting out a bit more lately. About 3 hours is my limit before I get really sore and tired. But I'm getting there. And I'm getting a pit bull puppy for Xmas :) |
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As a sub, it sucks training someone how to Dom. Even if its just how to Dom the dogs |
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So roomie "helped" me tonight by taking dressing out of the oven when ready while I bathed dogs. But the knob is funny. I never turn the temperature off, just the general power. He turned the whole shebang off. And then the rest of dinner got funky as I couldn't figure out why things weren't cooking appropriately
Tis easier just to do it myself |
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I may never cook again. I over salted tonight's dinner. But rather than hear one single "thank you for cooking" or even "slightly salty, but thank you", all I've heard is complaints. Why bother?
I'm not perfect. It was edible. It tasted good just very slightly over salted. I still have to go back into the kitchen and clean while you rest your full belly.
Ok, I'm frustrated |
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Ok... I don't get why guys put cock pictures on their profile. A Dom better get inside my head way before I care anything about his little head.
At least it's an easy way to discern those wanting a relationship from those just wanting a kinky roll in the hay.
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It's not even noon and I've picked up, vacuumed, and finished the dog bathing project. Can I be done for the day?
Guess not. Went on to do another load of laundry, clean the dining room and vacuum down there, and upstairs, and unload and load the dishwasher.
I MUST be getting better. This is the most I've done in one day since early July |
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Cleaned the kitchen today, did a load of laundry, vacuumed, and bathed one dog so far (3 to go still). So I'm managing to do much more, it just requires lots of breaks. Fortunately, tonight's dinner was cooked yesterday and just needs to be warmed up |
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Ran several errands yesterday and cooked stew for dinner. Sounds lame, but that was really too much. Fortunately, I still have plenty of pain meds. And yummy stew to provide protein :) |
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I can't tell you how nice it is to be able to cook, and not have to ask for help with something as easy as getting a cup of coffee. Yay me, it's do nice to be able to take care of myself. Watch out Doms, I'll be begging to please you next! |
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I'm really feeling stronger and able to do things. I'm back to cooking most meals, even if they're relatively simple. I'm walking the golden, though its only to the end of the drive way and back right now. It's so much easier to do things without all those stitches pulling! |
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Hoping to get stitches out in a couple hours. And nervous too. There's a LOT of stitches to be pulled out.
I need someone to grab my hair and whisper nasty things while its done! |
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Guess my body is done with the stitches. Every time I clean the wound lately, I find a still tied stitch that's not in the wound anymore. Only 43 or so to go |
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I gave up and went to the ER about 11 pm. I've seen way too much of hospitals lately!
Anyway, numbing and antibiotic drops quickly administered. Was in and out within an hour! Still sore today and mostly keeping the eye closed, but it's way better. |
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I scratched my eye somehow today. Looking forward to eating dinner shortly and going to bed. Hopefully it will feel better when I wake ip |
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My best friend from high school has a brain tumor, and is having surgery this upcoming week. It makes me feel petty, bitching about what I've been through |
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Had a good time today. Caught up with lots of old friends. Daughter (grown) went to her first demo. Needle play. Son (also grown) came by after work too.
I was exhausted so we came home and left the kids partying on. |
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Off to shower and get ready for Domcon. Looking forward to catching up with old friends |
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Bathed all 4 dogs today AND cooked dinner. Only popped one stitch |
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Heading to Domcon Saturday, just trying to figure out the details. I usually really enjoy hanging out in the vendor fair. Think this year I'll just find a spot to sit and let others find me to visit.
Also have to figure out clothes. Can't wear jeans yet. Don't think the various pairs of braves lounge pants I currently live in are quite the thing to wear. Not up to dressing up. Maybe I'll see if I can find a pair of black lounge pants or dancer pants |
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Driving a bit over 2 hours (round trip) to pick up my son and give him a ride to work was apparently too much. Ow! |
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I actually did a few things yesterday! I managed a brief trip to the grocery store, brought one load of groceries in with me, and unloaded the dishwasher before reaching total exhaustion! |
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Had the drainage tube removed finally. Yeehaw! It's so much nicer not having that poking out of me. I was scared though, of what it would feel like to have it removed. My doc laughed and said "tough shit". Then yanked it out before I knew what was happening.
3 more weeks, at least, with the stitches. Part of the initial incision, at the skin level, is trying to open a bit again. But the transplanted tissue underneath is doing well and holding things together. Lets hope it all heals and I can put this behind me one day soon |
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Putting a recap of the last couple months here. Saving people from wading through tons of non-BDSM posts.
On July 14, I had emergency surgery to remove a blood clot in my groin. Originally, the doctors thought they would have to amputate my leg, but managed to save it. 8 days later, the incision started falling apart. Within a couple of days, I had a gaping hole where the incision had been.
I was put in the hospital as this was right over my femoral artery, and the docs didn't want to take chances. Within the next 5 weeks, I had two wound care surgeries, followed by plastic surgery in early September to cover and close the wound.
Two weeks post the last surgery, I'm slowly healing. The "from" site is doing well, and the "to" site is staying closed at least. All together, I have about 50 stitches, which the doc plans to leave in place for another 4 weeks.
I am not looking for cyber or phone, or even a Dom at this point. I'm healing, which is going to be a slow process over all. However, friends are always welcome, and I appreciate the well wishes I have received. |
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Can't get comfy tonight. Itchy and sore! |
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Not a good start to the day. I'm really tired of being so sick and disabled |
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Who'd believe just taking a shower could wear you out so badly? |
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I *will* get back non a normal schedule. "Last night" was from about 8 pm - 230 am. |
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I'm becoming a game show/cooking show junkie. Maybe I should say I became one. Of course, it was the best entertainment I had in the hospital |
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10 days post surgery. I'm still really weak, but getting there day by day. And I still hurt. More in some ways. I guess as nerves start healing. But I am well enough to work for a few hours each day now (I work from home). The incision where they took tissue is doing great. The other is still closed, at least!
Anyway, thank you to all who have wished me well on this journey |
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Had my first follow up. Doing well. But he's keeping the stitches in for 5-6 more weeks! |
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One small step forward in healing... I made it downstairs to get my own coffee! And yeah, back upstairs too! |
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ok, I miss one thing about the hospital. Being able to call someone at any time of day/night and say "bring me some coffee, please" |
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Tomorrow, tomorrow, I'll love ya, tomorrow. It's only a day away! |
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Back in my room. Thoroughly drugged up and in/out of consviousness |
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Waiting... Something I've always hated. I don't like anticipation, as some do.
And here I am. Waiting for the ride downstairs to surgery. See y'all in a few hours! |
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Sigh. Scheduling problems with the surgeon. Rescheduled for friday |
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Plastic surgery tomorrow to cover up this hole in my groin, then home on Friday? Please please please!
Having dirty rice brought to me tonight as my "last dinner". From a box, but that's better than hospital food! |
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Next surgery on Wednesday. Just marking time til then |
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Cool. Yesterday's surgery went so well that they're ready to transfer me to another facility for the surgery I really need, a muscle flap. I transfer tonight or tomorrow! |
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Surg went well today. Having little pain. |
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I hate waiting. Especially waiting with no coffee! Surgery scheduled at 130, although seems there's a good possibility I may go earlier.
Just had pain meds. Hopefully they'll knock me out so I don't just lay here and worry |
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In 12 hours or so, they'll be taking me downstairs for my third surgery in 6 weeks. I admit, I'm a teeny bit nervous.
Too bad I can't have some world altering headspace tonight. And, no thanks gents, phone sex with a stranger while I'm in my hospital bed just won't do it |
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Next surgery: 130 tomorrow (Monday). Docs are happy overall though with the healing. Just really slow |
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Up since 5 am on a Saturday... Triple yuck! But have fresh coffee and a new dose if dilaudid AND a new book. I'm set for a while |
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Sigh. ?I lied. The doc I like best wants to go back into OR and go a bit more work. Waiting to find out what day? |
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And better. I get to go home later today!!!! |
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I actually have good news! The doctor has finally agreed to let me go outside!!! I don't have to sit here all day long stuck inside! Short breaks, can't leave the grounds yet. But yeehaw! |
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So doc got me all upset over nothing. A new type of ointment. But other than simply dealing with an open wound, not painful |
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I'm terrified. One of the docs I dont really like anyway is wanting to see the wound and do "stuff". But called for doses of all my pain meds first and will be back in 20 or so. I'm so tired of hurting |
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Yay. Yay. Yay. Did I say yay? No more of that evil nasty gosh darn does it hurt bleach solution! |
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Grumble fucking lab techs grumble. It's bad enough they come in at 630, but this one guy just has no clue. Too many missed/painful sticks by him. Told the RN he is not allowed in my room anymore! |
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Tonight's dressing change was a really bad one. Don't know why, but mother f'n ow! They have pumped so much pain killer into me I'm surprised I'm not floating!
And there's absolutely nothing hood to watch on tv at 230 am. Especially when I seldom watch tv anyway |
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There are a couple of mails I haven't answered. Apparently while high on pain meds last night, I deleted all mail. If yours was one, I apologize, and ask that you resend if looking for any response.
Thank you |
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I'm minutes away from a dressing change, and I'm shaking in fear. This is stupid!
It *is* better. With the meds I handle the actual procedure ok. Even them stuffing gauzed soaked in a bleach solution into the wound.
But then the bleach starts to burn, until it's all I can think of. I sit here, waiting, praying to give into the drugs and go to sleep.
And then I wake, knowing in 8-10 hours, it starts all over again |
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I'm turning into a real junkie. Multi-vitamins, zinc, percosets, dilaudid, upset tummy stuff, protein, etc. sometimes the capful of pills they give me is overflowing. And now were adding Xanax. They wanna make sure I don't go on a rampage, throwing bed pans as I hobble down the hall |
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Funny. I've always thought I had a high pain tolerance. Not that I like pain, at all. But I love the trust and relationship where I can be pushed past the pain. Maybe that last sentence explains my own confusion now
This open wound I gave, and the treatment for it HURTS. Sometimes lidocaine helps and sometimes it doesn't. So doc tells me today we're going back to the vacuum pump. Which should, in theory, help this heal better and faster.
But ya know what? I'm terrified. I know how badly it hurt taking it off last time (was put on as part of a surgery). I'm tired of hurting. I don't want to go through this anymore! |
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Ok I'm human again. First time in days. Got pumped up full of pain meds, got half my abdomen/thigh covered in plastic, more plastic to cover the IV, and a shower chair in the shower. I got to get clean! Hair and all! This makes up for the last week of whining! |
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So it turns out wound care could use lidocaine but it wasn't written for the RN staff. Got that changed? Told surgeon he's no longer allowed to do dressing changes. Look but not touch! Waiting for lidocaine to get here then going to let it soak for 30 mins or so. Told doc if it didn't make the whole dressing change experience go much better, he was going to have to put me on tranqs |
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What I said yesterday was true. Until this morning. Doc woke me this morning, flashing bright lights on, rushing to check the site and dress it. Without using the lidocaine. Without waiting and letting me take pain meds. It's now 2 pm, and the rest of the day has been drug-induced sleep |
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So wound is very slonly getting better. Still has some bacteria :/. Back to twice/day dressing changes, which hurt! Admittedly though, they only make me cuss instead of screaming now |
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Getting my hair washed. How terrific! |
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Taking less pain meds now and actually working from my hospital bed (have computer, will work). Tomorrow they change the packing though. That is such a horrible painful process. |
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Taking less pain meds now and actually working from my hospital bed (have computer, will work). Tomorrow they change the packing though. That is such a horrible painful process. |
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So a new type of packing/bandaging re-bandage on fri and see what's happened. I'm hoping so hard it will have healed enough they'll let me go home and just come back twice/week for professional bandaging.
This new stuff isn't as flexible so walking is difficult but only has to be changed twice/week. As the wound heals the packing would be smaller so walking easier. |
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I fuckin hate these dressing changes. Geeze Louise!
Docs gonna see what happens overnight, then prob operate again thurs/Friday. Not the plastic surgery, just try to get to healthier tissue that will heal |
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So. Lucky me. After 3 horribly painful days with the wound pac, it's not healing. So now the vac is off, wound is packed with gauze and some cleanser. Wound has been cultured
No improvement fairly soon and they'll go a graft from the other leg
Ugh |
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Geeze, you would've thought that walk to the bathroom was 8 miles instead if 8 steps! Ugh, that Hurt! But I made it! Without requirying any help. |
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23 hours to check in. 25 to surgery. So ready to have this behind me |
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In the middle of a sponge bath with special pre-surgical stuff, and teenlette calls. She's run out of gas. Call our roadside assistance. I don't want to wait that long. Well sweetie, you've got to wait long enough for me to finish this. 5 mins later... Nevermind, a friend is bringing me gas.
*tears her hair out |
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I am soooo hungry! Don't worry, I have food being brought to me, just not quickly enough. Figure I'll pig out all day, until midnight at least. Plus, I can't take any more pain meds til I get some food |
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So a very vanilla friend just told me I must have a low pain tolerance. I offered to out a very deep 6 inch incision on her body and pour betadine on it if she needed an idea of the pain level |
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Im high (medically) and bored. Someone say hi. 36 hours to go before checking in for surgery that should make me feel so much better! |
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Changed my own dressing this morning and realized a good 1.25 inches of the incision has now split open. No wonder it hurts!
I also registered today for Fridays surgery. Be there at 11. Surg at 1. Only wish it were today
Still, less than 48 hours of the worst of this left |
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I need Friday to get here. I'm so tired of this pain. I change dressings and scream in agony. Was going to go downstairs and make the stew to serve as the second course for tonight's dinner. Instead, I'm sitting here trembling still, waiting for pain meds to kick in |
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I get the feeling "take it easy" does not include sitting up in the ER all night with my daughter (she'll be fine), getting 2 hours sleep, then ging all 4 dogs a bath, vacuuming, and going to the grocery store |
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So if this month hasn't been bad enough, in the ER with the 19 yr old daughter |
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Ok changing bandages hurts still! |
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Laughing at myself as I crab walk across the room. Ok, much better when not moving! |
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After the days of whining, I have to say I'm fairly comfy tonight! I can't walk or anything, but have food in my tummy to support pain meds, surgery scheduled to heal this, and the braves are winning! |
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So tonight I have good meds, and food in my tummy to handle the meds. Surgery scheduled which should solve my woes Watching the braves win. Life ain't so bad |
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So doc is scheduling surgery later this week to clean out the wound and reclose it. Friday. Yeehawww |
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Ugh. I was so sick last night. I took pain meds in am empty stomach earlier in the day, then they gave me more, and really strong antibiotics at the ER. couldn't even make it home without having to pull over on the side of the road a couple times. Fortunately, the only thing in my stomach was water
So now I'm awake and hurting. But eating first means making my way to the kitchen, which I'm not up to. So I think I'll sit here and read and remind myself to make sure there's bread at least in easy reach tomorrow
Nix the eating thing by the way. Couldn't even handle a half slice. This ought to be a fun day
Signed -- super whiney butt |
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Surgical site infection. Duh. Pain meds and antibiotics. Waiting for some test results, then ER Doc will call Surgeon to confirm I can go home tonight and see him tomorrow. Doc says the wound splitting open saved him the bother of having to cut it open |
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Incision decided to start opening up overnight, so hi ho hi ho, off to the ER I go |
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Ok. I love pain. I love being pushed past my own limits. And I'm a fricking whimp when it comes to changing my bandage. I scream and cry like a little girl |
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Slept til 4 pm. Just took more pain meds which means sleep again soon. I'm getting fed up with being so weak.
Broccoli salad is on the menu all weekend to try to get blood levels in order. Laying around being waited on is not what a sub's life should be |
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So blood levels are still way off. I'm pretty much restricted to bed throughout the weekend. To top it off, the PA goes digging into an area if the incision today that's not healing well. And as I'm screaming and cussing her out asks " why are you acting like this?". Excuse me? It fucking hurts! Just call me grumpy ass today |
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I'm renaming myself whiney^butt for the night. I don't feel well, the damned Pomeranian has run across my stitches twice now (busted at least one, going to doc tomorrow), doc called and my blood thinner levels are all outta whack. And worst? I had to eat broccoli for dinner! |
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Today's a whiney day. Excruciating pain in my leg sat, as I watched my foot turn deathly white. Ambulance ride tot he hospital and emergency surgery to remove a clot that was cutting off blood to my leg. And somewhere in all that, I started bleeding out. 5 days later, a hole in my right leg, 12 stitches going from lower belly down into my other leg, and a horribly bruised vagina where for some reason they were applying heavy pressure to stop the bleeding, and I'm home. Weak as a kitten and all I wanna do is sleep.
But I woke from surgery with two legs! |
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ok, I can walk less and less. No big deal overall.I use electric carts at the grocery store and whatnot. But man, does it suck when trying to sub an get off on being pushed! |
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SELF this weekend! Really looking forward to seeing some old friends. And some really good friends coming into town for the weekend too! |
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update on the son: left wrist is fractured and now in a cast. Right collarbone is badly splintered, and son has surgery scheduled friday morning. In the meantime, I'm spoonfeeding him like a little toddler, and holding a cup to his lips with a straw so he can drink. Puts a huge crimp in getting regular day to day things done!
Fortunately, that's the worst of his injuries. His high quality helmet is dented and ruined!
I am so thankful to be spoonfeeding my son! |
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What a fun 24 hours NOT. Grown son does 'extreme biking'.. ambulance ride to the ER with a feared spinal injury turned into broken collar bone on one side, badly sprained and possibly broken thumb on the other side, badly sprained back, cut over his eye, etc. His helmet really took a beating, but at least it was his helmet and not his head.
We go tomorrow to find out if he needs surgery, and to have his hand re-xrayed. In the meantime, he's completely helpless and can't even hold a glass in one hand, or bring it to his mouth in the other!
Guess who's got company for a few days? |
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I'm a real whiney butt tonight. Have a cold, and an ear ache, and just not feeling well overall. Master ordered dinner in rather than me cooking, what a nice bit of pampering :) |
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So some have asked, so here goes... recovery continues to suck, but I refuse to give up and find ways around it. I don't walk far, or stand for long even, but I've found a new interest in cooking, and I've found a new career working from home.
The kids are doing well, and I couldn't be more proud of them. Master continues to be my best friend and my never-ending support.
Life could be much worse :) |
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So I want this yr to be over. So many changes! Both kids are out on their own now. Health issues continue to be a pain in the ass. And something really stupid that happened today has really devastated me. I want a do over! |
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There's been so many changes in our lives lately. Youngest child started college, so we're now empty nesters. I'm now working from home, and we've managed not to kill each other being together 24/7! Though I admit, I do so love the 'commute' |
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Maybe I should go just go Domme? Might fit more where my life seems to land me right now, but god, I crave that feeling of pushing myself for Him, of giving, of knowing i'm His to do with as He will |
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wow.. has it been 9 months since I posted? I continue to struggle against side affects. But overall, I'm alive, so who am I to complain?
Teenlette is recovering well from her brain injury. Son continues to hurt himself with 'extreme sports'.
Hmmm, what to say? Master and I are together, still respect each other, still want each other, still fill most of each other's needs. Are all needs ever met? |
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And to everyone that's offered the kind words.. thank You from the bottom of my heart. Fortunately, the Master Man is terrific.. constantly watching out for me, taking care of me, making sure I'm around for a long long time for Him to abuse *grin*
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One more stumbling block overcome... nasty infection in leg, DVT's, horrendous swelling.. all followed by 12 days in the hospital!
But leg is back down to normal size, and I get to go back to work!!!!
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Today's laugh is well needed..
Just read a profile that says something like "need a spanking? mesage me". Sure, let me message someone from online, who I don't know from adam, nor know anything about his skills/safety/etc.. and beg a spanking. Sounds like JUST the thing for me!
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What a couple of days! Teenlette took a tumble off a skateboard (no, no helmet) and fractured her skull.
She's going to be ok, in time.. but man o man o man!
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ok, so real life isn't always perfect right? Sometimes I really hate being mom. Mom is supposed to have all the answers, and I don't!
Mom is supposed to make sure life never hurts her kidlets, and I can't.
Mom is supposed to be perfect in every way, and I'm not.
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And Sunday's rant.. do folks really think I don't realize what most mean by the word 'real'. It was a rant! I just don't happen to think because I live with Master that I am any more 'real' than anyone else.
Or, to take this further, that anyone that lives a D/s lifestyle is real, and that anyone that looks online or whatever to meet their needs is not real.
And who has the right to make such a definition? Is someone who is submissive in the bedroom but not the rest of the house "real"? Or does it take someone devoted to it 24/7 to be real?
Using the word real denotes judgment. I stand behind anyone having their own wants and likes. Whether it's only talking to those that want to live some aspect of this, or not. But aren't there other, better, words? Looking for someone who lives it, looking for cyber only, etc?
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Today's rant.. what's with the use of the word 'real' here? What defines 'real' and who defines it?
I'm sure every person on here is a real person, with their own needs and wants. Why is one person's wants 'real' and another's isn't?
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Tomorrow's Valentine's Day. Happy happy to all the loved ones out there.
I'm sitting here in the living room, just watching the dogs play in the snow in the backyard. They are really enjoying it.
It's fun to get some snow every few years. But I sure am glad not to be living in MD this year!
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Is it really half way through Jan already? Ok, not quite, but close enough.
We've been busy with family stuff. Kids, work, animals.. you know, just normal ole real life stuff. Nothing exciting, other than the teenlette heading off to europe for 9 days. I'm sooooooo glad she's home!
Happy January to everyone
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Wow, is it Nov already?
For those that don't know, I lost my car in a flash flood here in Sept. So we went out and bought *two* cars to replace it *grin*
Got me and the 16 yr old both convertibles. Master and I are soooooooo enjoying just out riding on the weekends, the top down, enjoying the gorgeous fall colors.
And just think, thanksgiving is just around the corner. We haven't figured out where yet, but we're taking the kids somewhere for thanksgiving through the weekend. The beach? Mountains? Just somewhere fun?
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Did I ever mention that Master's my hero?
Saturday night, we're outside while He's grilling our dinner, and I'm using the time to train our dogs (4, all under the age of 1.5 yrs).
All was going well, when all of a sudden the golden retriever choked on this little training treat. I waited, watching.. to see if she'd cough it up on her own. She didn't. After throwing up a few times, and obviously struggling to breathe, she went under the porch.
So I climbed under, to find her limp, tongue hanging out and going blue. I dragged her out into the yard, and started trying to pick her up to do the heimlich on her.
Master came down to help. The dog was totally lifeless and not breathing at all at this point. He did chest compressions on her, and all of a sudden there was a breath! Just one. So more chest compressions and guess what! She started breathing again!
It took her a good 10 minutes before she had the strength to get up and move around, but she's fine now.
Thank You, Master.. You really are my hero
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Why am amazed at the idiocy online? You go into a BDSM-related channel and you (ok I) expect some semblance of BDSM behavior. So why do so many take it as an opportunity to be rude, lie, and just generally be obnoxious?
I'm sorry, I believe in this lifestyle. I believe in showing respect (sub to Dom or Dom to sub) until it's proven the respect isn't deserved.
Hell, I was raised a southern lady. Who cares about BDSM? What happened to common respect?
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Ok, for the last 1.5 yrs I've been basically disabled. Not able to walk more than a few feet at a time. I've gone from doc to doc, trying to figure it out. Well finally I found the right doc!
I stared on new meds on Tuesday, and Wednesday I was walking! I still have a ways to go, and he says it'll take 2-3 months to heal, but oh my gosh, I'm a new person!
Thank you to everyone for your words of support. It has been greatly appreciated.
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ok, a few folks have asked for an update on my health. The cancer is gone, and stays gone. .thank God! I still have issues with my body's reaction to the treatment. I continue to improve, but damn, it's slow!
None of this was helped by pinching the sciatic nerve, and then tripping over some construction debris at work this week. The good news.. work sent me to a specialist. The bad news.. he says "i have no clue!"
Oh well, as long as I continue to improve, no matter how slowly.
Oh, and I have to say thank You. .to the best Master ever! He never fails to support me, keep my spirits up, and just be there for me!
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wow, I haven't written on here in forever. So much has changed, and so much has stayed the same.
Our son moved out on his own.. well, with 4 roomies. And the daughter spends most her time over there, so we became empty nesters overnight!
I continue to improve, am walking without the crutches now, but very slowly and I don't go far. But I *am* back at work and doing it under my own steam, so it's an improvement!
We hope everyone had a great holiday.
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Ok, so I start work on 9/8 instead of 9/1. Beaurocratric paperwork, what a pain! As anxious as I am to get back to work, I will miss being with Master all the time!
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What an odd weekend for me. The 18 yr old is off to his first college party. Boy, do I remember what those parties were like!
And the daughter has her first date sunday night!
I'm going to be traumatized all weekend!
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To update on my physical condition for those that know. I've been going through physical therapy, and it's making an amazing difference. I am walking again, and after 5 months out of work, hope to be able to go back on 9/1!
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I'm temporarily tired of being mom. Do teens ever grow up into responsible adults? I'm lucky, I admit. Mine aren't into drugs or drinking, and they're not delinquents or anything. They're just.. mindless!
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The world can be a sucky place. I just wish the teenlette hadn't had to find out in such a first-hand way!
She was at Warped Tour today, an all day outdoor series of concerts. She was with her best friend, she wasn't alone. But as she crouched to avoid a crowd surfer, her wallet peeked out of her back pocket, and was stolen.
Poor kid. She's so upset. But to give her due credit.. I offered to go get her right then. She said no way, some idiot wasn't going to stop her from enjoying this!
You go kid!
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ok, first of all .. this is a general gripe. Life's not perfect, and any relationship has it's ups and downs. There are times life interfers, and there's times you feel overwhelmed. Take this as one of those times.
I want to matter. I want to be the one to light up His eyes. I want to be the one He goes to for serious discussions, or for flirting, or to make Him feel good and validated.
I want to be the one who is a part of His life, who shares things with Him, who is there day to day. I want .. heck with it, I'll leave it at that.. I want!
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Things went by too fast this weekend. There were new friends made that I meant to get back to, and man, there were old friends missed!
I think Master and I have gotten too old, or been around too long.. we've seen so many come and go. There were old friends that it was priceless to see and hug again, and so many of them missed.
However, as always, SELF put on a weekend not to be missed. I encourage all of you to get out and attend local events, especially weekend kink events. You can learn so much, and even better, meet so many different people. It's an opportunity not to be missed!
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laughing. I was reading the profile of a sub here, who admits she's fairly new to the lifestyle. But she went on a major rant about SSC and how we should all be prescribing to it. Now, I have no problem with the intent behind SSC, but who defines what is safe or sane? Is there a Grand PooBah of BDSM out there somewhere that I missed?
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laughing.. ok the rant for tonight...
I was perving profiles and came across a "Dom" who said that those of us that are collared are not welcome on this site.
What ever happened to looking for friends, making acquaintance with those with a similar outlook on life?
Who says who belongs here and who doesn't? Is there a collarme God I've not yet met?
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wow.. SELF is next weekend! Master says He's going to put me in a chair in the middle of everything and just let me catch up with folks that way.
On the positive side.. the dogs are learning all kinds of stupid tricks, I've read a ton of books, and am about halfway through a very complicated paint by number I picked up.
And Master just bought me a double CD set of the Righteous Brothers!
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hey.. for anyone that actually reads this and wants a fun weekend. .. www.seleatherfest.com
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The meds from the Pain Clinic made a HUGE difference with the first dose. Unfortunately, the change since then has been much slower and less dramatic. I'm also working with a chiropractor/massager too.. so sometimes he has my muscles really sore from stretching them. So I'm still a gimp, but somewhat less of a gimp than I used to be.
This is just a long process, which frustrates me to no end. Then again, getting in this bad of shape was a long process, so I should expect it to also take a while to heal. *sigh*.. I'm just no good at all with that damned P word.. patience!
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Finally started with the pain clinic today. And they actually listened! I feel so much better, just having someone understand how I'm feeling!
New meds.. they take several weeks for a 'full effect' but I'm hoping these do the trick. If not, they're sending me to the hyperbaric chamber for pressurized oxygen. Yuckkkkkkkkkkk
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laughing. .a friend teased me for my profile always showing up when He comes onto collarme. My answer was "that's because I'm so fricking bored and trolling profiles".
I soooooooooo hate being out of work!
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Ok, i have to say.. this 'recovery' process sucks. Now, the docs' latest theory is that the radiation damaged some tissue/muscle/ veins. I'm on all kinds of meds, but they take 6-12 weeks to take affect. In the meantime, I can barely walk, or stand up for more than a few minutes at a time.
Yes, I'm whining. I feel I'm entitled tonight. Deal with it.
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Today's rant.. it's a repeat of an older one.
Folks, check your spelling before hitting 'save changes'. And your grammar. And if it's so bad that what you've written makes no sense, try again!
Ok, we all make typos, I understand that. But geeze, have you tried to read some of the profiles out there?
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Happy birthday to me! And to any other April Fools as well
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The kids had a fender bender on the way to school today. I was a basket case after getting the call, until I could get to them and SEE that they were ok.
For everyone out there.. go hug your loved ones.. NOW. Tell them how much they mean to you.
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I have a new puppy. Or should I say my retriever puppy and I have a new puppy? We got a 3 month old shiba inu puppy. Now that she's settled in, she's feisty enough to pull her own weight against the 4.5 month old retriever. But man, can the two get loud at times!
I'll have to get pics of the babies up soon. They really are adorable :)
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I am going to totally disown my son! I love him, don't get me wrong. Overall, he's a great kid. He's kind, and polite, and honest, and good natured.. and a fricking lazyass! especially when it comes to school.
On the other hand, the freshman is sick, and can't go to school, and totally freaking out about missing it!
Isn't there a happy medium?
On the good hand. .I finally got meds for the night sweats and heat flashes. Doc started me on a really low dose at first. I don't know if I was just exhausted last night, or they're helping. Maybe both
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Wow, it's february already! And my 'baby boy' will be 18 in a few days. Gosh, I feel old
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So I'm sad tonight. I ended up having to tell my druggie brother not to contact me anymore.. that I refuse to buy his drugs for him.
Ya know, he's my big brother, I'd do *anything* for him, except pay for his drugs. The sad thing is he has a great chance right now to turn his life around, and he's not. Instead, he's calling us and my sister constantly with reasons why he needs cash.. NOW.
Our parents enabled him for years. Now that they're both gone, my sister and I are refusing to do the same.
Gawd, it hurts
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Master and I bought the teen son an early 18th bday present this week. A 2000 honda accord. It's a much more basic model than mine (a 2004), and has higher mileage.. but not a bad car for a teen!
We've also had the fun of druggie bro going through about $2000 on drugs this week, and calling us non stop now to send him more money. Yeah, right. Let me hop right to that!
Oh.. and nightsweats are calming down. I've gotten SLEEP!
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alright ladies.. I am seriously looking for a *quick* solution to night sweats. My cancer treatments tossed me into early menopause, and the night sweats are driving me nuts!
I must wake up 30 times a night.. tossing covers off sweating, then pulling them back over me shivering.
helpppppppppppppp!
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I wanted to thank everyone for the kind words. The last few weeks have been stressful, to say the least.
We (sis and I) cleared out dad's house, kicked druggie bro out, sold the house, straightened out and split most of the finances, and are trying to move on with life.
One teenager's sick, the other is having a fit to become an adult. Work is hectic. Life is crazy.
But overall, thanks to the truly terrific Man in my life, life goes on mostly well :)
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Merry Christmas, everyone. In spite of everything, this has turned out to be a good holiday.
Ok, and I have to brag.. I finally got the car dad had bought my mom right before she passed away. 2004 Honda Accord, fully loaded, and with only 17,000 miles. I've coveted that car for almost 4 yrs now!
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Well.. I'm an orphan :/ Mom passed away 3.5 yrs ago.. Dad just left us. He'd been really sick, in/out of the hospital the last 2 weeks. Tonight, he said his goodbyes, and then while we thought he was sleeping, took his oxygen off and ended his own suffering.
I feel... odd. I care that anyone went through what he did. But I can't find it in myself to mourn 'dad'. He was never dad to me. He was an abusive s.o.b. But now it's just we "kids"
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Today's rant.. why do so many make fun of others' wants? I admit, some seem really strange to me, but I'm sure a few of mine seem strange to others, too. What happened to "your kink is ok"?
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Just a quick update, since it's been a while. I'm doing well, much better than I could be. I'm just whiney because I still have no strength. The docs say that'll come back though.
On the upside, we have puppies again. They're 4 weeks old tomorrow and ohhhhhhhhhhhh so cute!
We're going out to Little Wings tonight. We'll be doing a rope show there in two weeks so need to 'scope it out' first. And next weekend, we'll be at the Skin/Fetish Ball to celebrate Master's birthday (which is actually tomorrow!)
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I cleaned house today.. what a thing to be so excited over eh? Ok, I didn't finish, I had to take LOTS of breaks, but it was really a nice feeling!
The kitchen and downstairs looks so nice.. now the living room tomorrow!
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ok, I'm an opinionated bitch! I was chatting online earlier, and someone in channel changed her nick to hurtme14. No, she never claimed it was her age (and it's not). But to even allow someone to make fun of the sacred rule of consent with consenting ADULTS in a BDSM channel pissed me off!
I had to say it, sorry.. thanks for listening to today's gripe :)
And no, don't bother emailing me telling me I'm wrong. This is something I feel strongly about!
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This has been a busy week. Going back to work has kicked my butt, but in a good way. I come home exhausted after only a few hours, but it's good to be back.
And Tues was mine and Master's 2 yr wedding anniversary :) We're waiting til I'm feeling much better to really celebrate it, but it was a nice day (and nicer night) with Him!
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Wish me luck. I'm due to go back to work, part-time, tomorrow, after being out the last 6 weeks, and most of the summer altogether.
Somehow, sleeping til 2 pm today doesn't bode well for the back to work thing lasting. Laughing
Oh well, I'll give it a shot, and if I'm not ready yet, I'll wait another week or two. But goshdarnit, I'm ready to get back to the 'real world'!
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Day 11 of recovery. Most of the burns are down to a dull roar now, looking more like a bad sunburn than actual burns. If it's a short trip, I can actually walk around the grocery store now rather than riding those lame electric carts. And I'm only sleeping 12-15 hours/day rather than 15-18.
So improvement is happening. Just slower than I'd like. I never did like that darn P word (patience)!
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yeeeehawwwwwwww!!!
As of noon today, I'm done being tortured! It's time for recovery now. I am so blistered I can't walk, but it's over!!!!!!
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4 days left!!!
Docs say it'll take about 2-3 weeks for all the radiation burn to go away afterwards. Right now, I have blisters on top of blisters. My genitals are peeling!
Medical oncology doc (chemo) says to expect more diahhrea, mouth blisters next week, then a week of so of super susceptibility to any bugs around. But within 3-4 weeks, I should be over the worst of it.
Sooooooo..Come the beginning of November or so... I should be human again!
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80% done with treatment. Next week is it!!!!!!
Then a couple weeks to recover and I should be good as gold again. God, I can't wait!
I have to say, by the way, that Master's been terrific through all this. I've always said He's my 'rock'. He's continued to prove it day in and day out. I love You, Daniels
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60% done with treatment. I *will* make it through.
I hurt. My genitals are blistered, I am allergic to aloe apparently, which made the radiation burns worse. So now I have real burn cream.
Then the port got infected and had to be removed. May I just say "oh my fucking gawd, owwwwwwwwww!"?
Now, it seems I have a bladder infection. And the nice docs at the ER gave me pain meds I'm allergic to, so I've been tossing my guts all night.
Sound like fun? Anyone wanna trade??
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40% through with treatment. Naseau is setting in. My ass and cunt (scuse the bluntness) are burnt to hell and back. The port is getting infected.
Master just brought me a tshirt soaked in cold water to help me feel better with the temp. I have a doc appt at 8 anyway, so not bothering to go in tonight.
And just think.. only 3 more weeks of treatment, than another 2-3 weeks weeks to recover! yeehawww
On the bright side.. kinda. I traded all the birds today (except the daughter's parakeet) for a new laptop and some cash. The house is so quiet now. And oh my gosh, we have a living room! with lots of space!!!!!
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ok, I'm going to out and out whine. If you don't wanna hear it, don't read it.
I am doing chemo and radiation at the same time. Presumably, most do one at a time, not both concurrently.
My ass is being kicked. I am 'mucous susceptible' or something like that. Meaning the chemo is attacking all my mucous cells way more than expected. Now think of it.. mucous cells exists in areas you might not orginally think of!
For the ones you can think of.. I can't eat or drink, in spite of mouthwashes and meds. God this sucks!
Ok, enough whine for one night?
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I made it through week 1 of treatment! I tell ya, it was sooooooooo nice to get rid of the darned chemo pump today though. It fit in a fannypack, but I was just tired of being tethered to it 24/7!
I'm tired, and a bit naseaus. Nothing too horrible. Easy to say so far right? But I *am* 20% through this!
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Day 3 of treatment. I'm walking around carrying a fanny pack of poison attached to me through a port in my chest. So far, I don't really feel any side-effects of the treatment. What I do feel is sore from the port, tired of the extra weight of the pack, and just out and out tired! Master keeps reminding me, just another 1 1/2 days of the chemo, then a 3 week break on that. Although the radiation continues daily for another 4-5 weeks. I *will* get through this. I'm just whiney tonight.
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I'm seriously freaking out tonight. Yes, this will all be over within 2 months or so. Yes, it will make sure I am around to see my children's children (barring being hit by a bus), yes, it is something many folks have gone through and will go through again. Yes, I'll be ok in the long run.
I know all that.. it doesn't help me right now. I'm scared, I'm panicking, I don't want to tell Master because He has enough to deal with. God, I want my mom!!!
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I had my simulation for radiation today. Where they run me through the MRI and CT scan and whatever to figure out the optimum measurements. I have these big x's marked on my body now, to be replaced next week with permanent tattoes. yeehawww
When the techs turned me onto my back to continue the scan, they saw my belly button ring and said "oh, THATs what that blip on the screen was!".. so I asked.. do I need to remove my rings? They said... oh, we won't go as high as your naval, don't worry. I said.. so what about the clithood ring? They blushed and said.. you might want to remove that for treatment.
Gosh, these folks at work are learning sooooooo much more about me than they need to. Fortunately, they didn't mention the big "M" carved into my ass!
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To all that have sent words of encouragement, thank you. They are greatly appreciated!
I grow calmer about upcoming treatment as the days pass. It's just something to be lived through, like many things in life. Though I am thinking of doing something really radical with my hair. Then if it falls out too badly, everyone will be glad to see it go!
Ok.. there ARE bright sides, honest!
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I really hate idiots. Some guy at work tried to throw his weight around today, and even though he's at least twice my size (physically), I had to throw mine back at him to get him to do his job.
Now.. why can't folks just do what they're paid to do?
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Time for a dose of reality. Master's my rock, I adore Him, He does so much for me and helps around the house in ways many Doms wouldn't. Don't take any of this wrong. But oh my god He's spoiled rotten. Here I am sick, tired, trying to cook dinner, take care of the animals, make sure the kids are set for school tomorrow, etc.. and He's sitting there watching. And when I ask for help, it's like I ordered Him to go clean the toilet with a toothbrush or something. I swear, sometimes it's like having *3* teens in the house.
Ok, to be honest.. He *does* do a lot, He helps me, even pampers me silly at times.
Just grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
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I haven't felt like updating here lately. Or even chatting with anyone really. The doctors have decided that, in order to 'beat the odds', I need to have chemotherapy and radiation. I start in September. I've had all the appointments where they've informed us of all the nice side effects. I'm at the point where I'm really not sure the 'cure' is worth it all.
The good news (you have to look on the bright side, right?) is that I've lost 15 pounds already, and will probably lose more.
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It's amazing how much getting the rights meds help you feel better!
My doctors wouldn't treat me other than to *try* to treat the sympoms until they figured out what was going on. It turns out, one of the internal incisions from the surgery had gotten infected.
A week of feeling totally yucky and just wishing someone would shoot me is slipping by (slower than I'd like, but still...)
It is so delicious to feel human again!
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I was supposed to go back to work today. First day back after a month off as I recovered from surgery.
Instead, I've been at home, tossing my guts til I cried. Master says I'm not getting out of bed tomorrow either, except for Him to take me to the doc.
I'm sure work is thrilled with me!
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I have to laugh. A recent picture I tried to post was not approved. The reason? "explicit genital nudity is not allowed".. ummm, hello!! there was no genital nudity!
It was a picture of my ass, in a pair of blue jeans the puppy had chewed up. I was wearing a pair of nude thongs underneath and absolutely NOTHING showed!
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I don't know what's going on with Master lately, but I like it!!!
Went to bed late the other night. I expected to masturbate myself to sleep as He'd gone to bet quite a bit earlier. But He woke up, and umm.. took over. I was so wet I came almost instantly, which brought it's own problems, of course. The orgasm hit me so strong and suddenly I didn't even have time to ask permission, much less to receive it!
So He proceeded to make me cum til I was begging Him to stop, before He let me mount Him and drive Him wild.
mmmmm mmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmm!
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I'm too old to be learning lessons still about idiots, so when do those lessons stop slamming me in the face?
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I do love having a nice night out with Master, watching Him enjoy tying up a sexy blonde, then several hours later.. waking up to the feel of His hand tangled in my hair as He pulled me onto His cock.
mmmmmmmm.. what a nice evening and morning :)
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I was asked tonight why I might be looking for more than I have. Below is part of the response I gave.
"Because when you live 24/7 there's things like teenagers, and paying
bills, and day to day life that interfere. What He
requires from me these days is more service oriented than anything else.
Don't
get me wrong.. I adore Him. He can take me places that make my head
spin and that no one else has come close to! Maybe that's why I'm so
needy now. I really miss those times.
I think I'm
looking for the impossible, to be honest. For me at least, to really
submit in-depth, a solid relationship is required. That's not something
formed overnight. And most don't want to put the time and effort into a
relationship where they can only claim me when Master, the job, the
teens, the zoo (I have LOTS of animals), etc.. don't need me."
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Pathology results are back. Both tumors removed had cancer cells. Not many, but some. The good news is the tissue around the edges only show pre-cancerous cells. So the cancer is gone, for the moment. Doc's going to talk to her colleagues, but probably do 'watchful waiting' for now.
Ya know.. this was never supposed to happen to ME.
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Surgery's over. It went well. I hurt, but not as badly as I thought I would. Or maybe that's the pain meds talking. Who knows.
Taking a nice long 'vacation' from work while I heal.
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I leave in 4 hours, to have a tumor removed. One caught early, thankfully. The doctors are pretty sure surgery is all the 'treatment' that will be needed. Not 100% sure, but pretty sure.
I'm nervous. Of the results after they test the tumor, of the pain, of.. well.. just nervous. The tumor's in a rather delicate spot, the doctor was nice enough to tell me how badly I'll hurt afterwards. But has also promised to keep me high on demoral for a while.
Anyway, good thoughts are appreciated!
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If you want to experience pure pampering, check out Tree Hut Body Scrub.. oh my god, it's awesome!
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I knew life had been too good lately. I received some pretty yucky personal news today, the sort that makes you re-evaluate your whole life. I'll do that part of it tomorrow, or next week. Right now, I'm just numb.
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ok, I'm happy. Did some gardening this weekend. Have about 200 lillies coming up, some miniature roses, lucifers, etc. And planted celosa around the mailbox and varigated marigolds.
The gardens are brightening day by day, and every bit of color brightens the whole world around us.
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ya know.. some weekends just aren't worth having. Woulda been a better use of my time to work all weekend.
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god bless the person who first invented painkillers!
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For the record, I really hate the whole bmx bike sport thing!
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You know.. growing up, I bitched constantly about having to share my birthday with my mom.. her's is today, mine was yesterday. I never even got my own cake!
Today, I'd give anything to share a cake with her. Mom, somewhere up there.. I hope You heard my birthday wishes. I love you
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Thank you to the folks who helped me party last night. Master and I had a great time :)
Now, to recover from it.. sighs happily
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I broke my pinkie today.. owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
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ok, the teen dauther had a birthday party she and her friends will never forget! Thursday, a friend called, and wanted to host a party for her up at the local public park. I didn't think anything of it. 14 yr olds should be ok to be in a public park with baseball games and families and all kinds of stuff around, right?
Well, apparently there was a brawl between some of her friends, and some other kids. We got a call to come pick her up from the police station! She's ok, and wasn't charged with anything. Maybe she'll learn a lesson from this.
In the meantime, I was freaking out the whole time. .LET ME SEE MY BABY!!!
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Today's my day to brag. My 'baby' (8th grade daughter) has been accepted into a special high school for gifted kids .. i.e., brainiacs. Her older brother already attends. Now how's that? BOTH kids accepted into this program!
It's also a tough day for me. Yesterday was the 3-yr anniversary of my mother's death. We came home from her funeral to find my son's acceptance letters into this program. I hope she really is able to look down and see how great her grandkids have turned out.
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I've *got* to develop a better self-image. I get so easily self-deprecated when He goes after others. Logically, I know that doesn't mean He appreciates me less, emotionally, I feel like such a fool.
And no, don't msg with "you have a low self-image", or "you need a new Master".. I don't. I simply need to really accept that He's a horndog, but yet, I'm always #1 with Him.
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Ok, finally time for some good news. First, Master finally got the cable company to come out and replace our cable. And for our troubles, they through in all kinds of discounts and promotions. I don't like tv but have had fun checking out some of the stuff out there!
Second.. got my son the surround sound system he's been wanting, for a really good price.
And third.. our stolen puppies were returned today! The folks that had them got tired of them, so gave them to some neighborhood kids, who brought them home. They are soooooooo skinny. Because of the lack of nutrition, they grew maybe half as much as the others while they were gone. Poor doggies, their ribs poke out! But their home, and seem to be quite happy to be here. I'm having a hard time not letting them overeat, but even a little bit makes them sick right now :/
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Nothing like hosting a last minute superbowl party.. for TEENS! Especially when I don't watch tv, much less sports!
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ok, this week has sucked! Last weekend, the teen daughter was in the ER with a really bad case of pneumonia. Wed, I had a flat tire on the way to work. And today, I get the second worse phone call a mother can get. .mom, I've had a really bad bike wreck, and I think I need an amublance.
Son wrecked his bmx bike.. we were actually really fortunate though. The fear was he had injured his spine. Instead, he has a slight concussion, a broken nose, split chin, broke off his 2 front teeth up near the gum line.. bruised and banged and cut all over. .to include both elbows, both knees, left shoulder, right hip, etc. Gravel embedded in both hands. . about as bad as he could do without doing any really serious damage! The good news is he's basically ok. .the bad news is he'll hurt like a mother tomorrow! And he's allergic to narcotics.. so is on nothing more than tylonol! Poor kid
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The teenlet's been sick for a while. .nasty cough that just wouldn't go away. Last week, she started running a temp and feeling generally lousy. I assumed flu. Ended up in the ER yesterday with pneumonia.. what fun! To make matters worse, she's apparently allergic to the cough meds they gave her. I hate when my kids are sick!
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I read the news about the kidnapped boys found.. and just thank God it's not my kids. I can't imagine what the kids went through, what the family went through. My children (both teenagers) are so secure in their lives.. to think of them being taken from that just tears my heart out.
To all the children everywhere, and the parents of each and every one.. no matter how bad it might seem at times, remember you're loved!
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For whatever reason.. reading some of the profiles tonight has set me off. Who is anyone to define what a certain type of relationship is and what it isn't? You can only define what a certain type of relationship is for yourself and any you might invite to join.
And why do folks gripe about gameplayers on here? Get out and meet folks, or at the very least, take anything you get from strangers with a grain of salt!
*crawls back into her corner, having gotten that off her chest, and sure she'll hear from folks bitching about her views
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I'm seriously bummed today :./ Somehow, the gate to our backyard got opened.. and the puppies got out. We found 5 of the 8, but the others are missing.
We've set the neighborhood 'kid network' in place.. them searching, and letting everyone know our # and to keep an eye out for the missing puppies. The good news is they're 6 weeks old, able to eat real food, and it won't kill them to miss a meal. But man, this is so not the way I wanted to get rid of them!
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ok, it's 2:30 am, Master's asleep upstairs, and I have to be at work in 5 hours. Why am I awake?
Maybe it has something to do with the pussy demanding attention, whining, every movement screaming.. pet me pet me pet me..
Her name is george, and she's 4-legged and furry.. what did ya think I meant?
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To Master and another dear Dom friend.. all I can say is thank You both! Tonight was wonderful. Can we do it again nightly? *grin*
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The first of the puppies went to his new home tonight. In a (large) way, I'm glad to see them start going.. 9 puppies is a bit much!! But I'll miss each and every one of them.
Mr. Wiggs. .as you step off into the new world.. we luv ya.
Ok ok.. I'm sentimental, but much better to be sentimental than not to care at all!
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ok, I'm bored and restless.. where are the fun folks to just chat with? Those not expecting to start a conversation with 'on your knees, bitch'?
It seems like it should be a weekend night, full of partying and fun.. instead, it's a dead-end humpday kinda day :/
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My mom used to always say "start the new year as you intend to end it".. gawd, I hope this one doesn't end like it started!
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ok, I have to brag. I have a 16 yr old son, a junior at a 'brainiac' school. special school for the gifted. Anyway..his club won 2nd place in a national robotics competition this weekend! Go Circuit Runners!
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hmmmmmm, I lost my pictures somehow. I simply added 1, a christmas picture. Hopefully it's just slow updating. In the meantime, well.. yall aren't missing out. I'm just a chick, like half the population.
Hope everyone's having a terrific holiday season!
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Happy Birthday, Master. I'm just so sorry it was full of 'kid stuff' instead of something special just for You. But then I remember how much it means being 'dad' to my kids, and somehow.. think maybe the day was good anyway.
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Maggie, the golden retriever, has *9* puppies today! The daughter had her out for a walk a few months ago when she slipped her collar, resulting in today. The puppies are retriever and god knows what. .but man are they cute!
There's 3 blacks, 3 brindleds, and 3 white with black/brindled spots.
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It's funny. Master and I have such differing 'personal boundaries'. I don't mean with each other, I mean with our comfort zone about how close others get. My comfort zone is small, teeny compared to His.
And He walks all over mine, constantly. Without meaning to, without even thinking about it. Simply because His is so much wider.
And no, this doesn't mean others aren't welcome. Just within certain rules. It's hard to explain without going into more details than any sane person cares to hear, especially those to whom it doens't matter one whit. I'm just struggling with it today.
Although, at least.. my belief in Him has made it an irritant rather than an issue.
Did I mention lately Master... How much I love You and appreciate what You've brought to me and taught me?
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Today is mine and Master's one-year anniversary.. of being legally married! yea us!
However.. our first "date" was 6 yrs ago today. He collared me in 2001, branded me in 2002, and we had a religious commitment ceremony which included my 2 kids in 2004. Just goes to show all the steps some take on a road to a new life.
I look forward to all the future steps we take together :)
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Ok, I had a long entry almost done about the cops breaking into our house today, and separately, the son breaking his hand. BUT.. the cat stepped on my keyboard and somehow deleted the whole thing. So I'll try again another night.
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ok, I'm surprised I have to say this, but it seems I do. Life is not perfect, in any relationship. You live with someone day in and day out and differences are bound to come up. Life happens, and it's not all fun and games or 24/7 kink.
And.. folks whine, like I do from time to time. It does NOT mean I'm unhappy overall, or need anything different. It means I'm human.
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ok, for the record.. learning new lessons can suck at times! Especially when you don't understand how to make up for something.
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sigh.. stupid I know. .but I was feeling so sexy, which I really haven't felt lately..and then *whoosh*.. it's back to work slave, household slave.. anything but fun slave.
Can I redefine my contract??? |
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ok, today's pet peeve. Do people not bother to look at what they type? I mean, we all make a typo from time to time.. but geeze louise!
I just read one profile that I had to re-read 3 times to figure out what they (yes it was a couple) were saying.
Folks.. how do you expect to come across as confident and able to lead.. or confident and able to know enough to want to follow.. if you can't type a single sentence that makes sense?
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Ok, how can someone you've always thought of as smart and on top of it all be sooooooooo stupid?
My dad's an alcoholic, and a jerk, and abusive, and for some reason I feel responsible for him.. but he's always been sharp as a tack. Ok, his health is bad, he's been seriously depressed since mom passed away 2.5 yrs ago.. but still!
My druggie bro's been living with him. Bro disappeared on a drug run 2 weeks ago. .with the new car dad had just bought him. The 10th or so car in as many years that dad's bought him.
So yesterday, bro calls dad to come rescue him.. apparently he'd lost like 30 pounds in 2 weeks, was filthy, still wearing the same clothes he left in 2 weeks ago, etc. And was without his car.
The story is he traded his car to drug dealers in exchange for his drug of choice. But had not signed the title over.. yet. So dad and bro are going out tonight hunting for the drug dealers so they can 'steal' bro's car back!!!
Dad won't listen to me about how dangerous, not to mention just pure stupid, that is. And now he's ticked at me for telling him that is the dumbest thing I've ever heard come out of his mouth!
They live 2.5 hours away. The sherriff down there is an old highschool buddy of mine, and happens to live across the street from my dad. I've called the sherriff and asked him to keep a close eye out.. and to follow the idiots tonight if they actually do go out to steal the car back. But I know getting the sherriff to try to talk sense into my family will just piss them off more and do no good. So he's keeping an eye from afar (kinda sorta) on my family, while my sister and I continue to try to talk sense into them.
I swear, I'm about ready to have my dad institutionalized or something. I'm beginning to think he has a serious mental illness!
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Things have been stressful here. .Master's still not 100% well, the job stress is killing me, 2 teenagers, etc.. it's all led to me feeling less than sexy or wanted.
But.. I have to say thank You to a very cute and sexy Dom who msg'd me today. Nicely, not one of those crass 'serve me bitch' mails.
Thank You Sir.. for making me smile, and, for a moment or two, forget the day-to-day stress of life.
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ok.. my 'baby' (13 yr old daughter) left today for an 8 day trip. .I won't even be able to speak to her while she's gone!!! I feel lost.
Or, at least, I was.. til the 16 yr old son had a friend visiting.. and I realized the boys are spending the night at the friend's house.
Master and I get the house ALONE tonight????????? Oh my god, watch out world!
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gosh, has it really been over a month since I wrote in here?
Master's finally feeling better. We went out this weekend for the second time since He got so sick in Dec.
We went out in May to Lube Wresting, an annual fundraiser for Southeast Leatherfest (SELF). We work this every year as volunteers.
Then we went to SELF this last weekend.. again, an annual event we volunteer at every year. It was great to catch up with old friends, and meet new ones.
And a funny story. Master found a paddle He liked, by a vendor we hadn't seen before. I went later to buy the paddle for Him, and the vendor told me to make the check out to his business partner (who wasn't there).
It turns out the business partner was my original trainer, and the Man who introduced me to Master. And He was the one who made the paddle.
What a small world, eh?
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ok, I have to say it.. it is sooooooo cute watching the babies learn to fly! They're doing good on the flying part today, but having trouble with the landing bit of it *grin*
And.. awwwwwwwww... 2 of the zebra babies are cuddled up with all 4 society adults, and the society baby and eggs.. awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
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ok, I'm odd.. I admit it. The zebra finch babies (5) have fledged and are learning to fly and eat millet. And the first society finch egg hatched today :) Gawd, baby birds are ugly!
And in the background I hear the hahn's macaw calling my name, and the african grey whistling the theme from 'the good, the bad, and the ugly'.. ain't life grand?
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how is it possible to feel so alone and unwanted, when living with your Master?
What is so wrong with me that I crave so much more?
Sometimes, I can't wait for the days when the kids are off on their own, and I can crawl naked and bruised to the feet of my Master, always begging for more.
I know, I know.. enjoy the kids while they're young. And I do so admire and adore my teenlets. Just.. sigh
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Talk about embarrassing moments!
Master just got an automated email from His website.. an erotic rope bondage site. Yes, with pics on it of me in precarious positions. Anyway, He has a place to donate money and is notifed when someone does.
Guess who just donated $10? His FATHER!!! Now how the heck did dad-in-law find the site?
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happy birthday to me :)
And don't worry, I've already heard every comment that could be made about April Fool's.
I always asked if I could legally change my birthday growing up. I mean, it's not fair. My sister got valentine's day for her birthday!
On a more sober note.. tomorrow would've been mom's birthday. I miss all the things she and I used to do to celebrate our birthdays together :/
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wow, has it really been almost a month since I wrote in here? Master's slowly recovering. Too slowly for my taste, but thankfully, He's recovering.
I'm switching jobs.. yehawwwwwwwwwww!!! but not until July *sigh*
And I got some new birds this past weekend. Nothing special, just a couple male zebra and society finches to replace the ones MASTER'S cat ate.. grrrrrrrrrrrr
Don't I have a thrilling life? *grin*
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ok, after Master being sick way too long, and numerous tests.. they're finally saying He has some type of fungus in His lung. How the hell do you get fungus in your lung??
We go back to the doc tomorrow for more answers, but from what we were told today, it's a long road ahead to recovery :/
I guess the good news is that it's a road to recovery.
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ok, gripe for the day.. it's actually 2-part
First.. what the hell is a 'true' sub or Dom? Who decides who/what is true? What makes someone 'true' vs 'fake'?
I really hate to see someone go on about how 'true' they are. Everyone is true, just to different values/beliefs!
Second, why do so many folks show toys on here in their profiles. Is who they are defined by what toys they own? How about telling about the person behind the toys?
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Lately, it seems like if it's not one thing, it's another. First. .I thought work was hectic before??? Hah!!! It is crazy these days. So many things going on, and every time I turn around, my VP is putting more and more things (and staff) under my control. I keep reminding him I'm only one person and there's only *so* much I can do.
Then, more important.. over the weekend Master started having trouble breathing, and just feeling generally lousy. We both thought He'd caught the "crud" that's going around so didn't worry too much. But when I got home today He was very short of breath and barely able to walk more than a couple of feet. So back to the ER. Turns out He has fluid buildup on the lung that was operated on. So He's back in the hospital, and tomorrow they'll drain the lung. Not sure if He'll be able to come home afterwards or they're going to keep Him for a few days again :/
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Well, all the angst.. and the best possible outcome. Instead of all the what if's I was thinking, I should've been thinking.. what if this is all benign and He comes through the surgery like a prince?
Master's doing wonderful!!!!!! The doctors removed two tumors, but both were benign. Thank you thank you thank you.. to every god that might exist in this world!
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I'm sitting here, unable to sleep.. scared of what tomorrow will bring.
Master has his surgery in the morning. I don't even know what to say about that. Yeah, even if it's cancerous, the doctor is sure he'll be able to remove it all, and Nusi won't even have to go through chemotherapy or anything. So that's good. A lot better than it could have been.
But I'm plagued by what-ifs. What if His lungs don't start working right afterwards? What if the unexpected happens and He never wakes up? What if.. what if.. what if...
I know. Dark thoughts that do me no good at all. I just wish I could make them go away
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ok, after all the stress we've been though anyway..
4 months ago we let my 'druggie recovering' brother move in, as a chance to make something of himself.
The first few weeks were ok.. he was out looking for jobs, helping around the house, etc.
2 days ago, he went out 'job hunting for the day'. Hours later, we realized my 12 yr old's waller was missing, with $100 of her christmas money.
At noon the next day, he showed back up at our door.. all surprised we wouldn't let him back into the house.
How can someone be paid back so badly for trying to do a good deed?
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happy new year and all that stuff to everyone.
I start the year knowing Nusi goes back to the doc to schedule the biopsy next week. And working on days the office is officially closed in order to try to catch up with things a bit.
On the positive side.. we.. Nusi, me, kids and Bro... had a really fun new years together. We've always spent new years out partying before while the kids spent it with their dad or friends. But somehow our focus has changed this year. I have to say, it was fun doing illegal fireworks and telling stupid kid stories :)
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It's funny. Just when you think life can't get any more stressful, you find out just how wrong you are.
I work outside the home. A recent promotion has caused me undue stress. Mostly because my old job hasn't been filled, so I'm doing two jobs at once. Mix that in with kids and their schedules, my brother living with us (in our living room as we don't have an extra bedroom), taking ex-idiot through the court system to get money he owes his kids, and now this...
Master was really sick last week. I took Him into the doctor, who sent us on to the hospital, for possible pneumonia. His blood pressure was up really high, and they were worried about his heart, so they ran all kinds of tests. They found out his heart is ok, but they found a small tumor on his lung.
After 3 days in the hospital, they sent us back home with tons of meds, to continue getting his bp down, and his breathing better. Then we go back in Jan for a biopsy.
The tumor's small, and apparently new. Even with the worst outcome from the biopsy, it's treatable. But they may have to remove his lower left lung.
I can't help but worry, and be scared. He was telling me that He knows I'm strong, and that even if/when He passes on, He knows I may stumble a bit, but will pick myself up and keep on going. And He's right, I know that. But dammitall!
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There's an awesome rope event happening in Austin in Dec. For anyone interested, send me a note and I'll get the info to you
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Master is so wonderful to me :) He bought me a new bird today (just what I need, I know). This one's a baby Hahns macaw, 2 months old and still hand feeding. We're calling him Mac for now, until another name seems to fit him. He's such a sweetie.
Thank you Master, I love You
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Ok folks, just an fyi. Not that this should have to be said but... leave it to us.
The kids were both out today, for the afternoon. Master and I actually had several hours home alone!!!
So, what do Master and slave do when they find themselves with a few unexpected hours of time alone? Get kinky of course.
Master looked over and simply said "get naked, slut". So I undress, and go lock the front door. Master does some yummy caning on me, then has me lie down for some knife play. After I was all nice and relaxed, He turned me over and started to fist me.
Just as things were starting to get REALLY good, I hear Him say "oh shit". I look up, and my 15 yr old son was walking through the garage door, which I hadn't even thought about.
The son laughed and said "don't mind me, I'm just passing through" before getting something from his room and leaving again. But when he came home later, he rang the doorbell and waited until I answered it and asked "yall are done, right?" before he'd come in.
So far he hasn't said anything else. While I will answer any questions he asks, I'm sure as hell not volunteering anything!!!
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How are you supposed to feel when a favorite uncle from your childhood passes away? Especially when this favorite uncle once asked me to sit on his lap so he could spank me, just a couple yrs ago, while at the hospital as my mother was dying?
I've got such mixed feelings. So many good memories of him from my childhood. He was always there for me. He'd take on any 'dragon' and slay it for me.
But then I remember his words at the hospital during one of the worst times of my life. I walked away that day, choosing to get out of the situation quietly without causing a scene and disturbing others. Now I wish I'd faced him and told him exactly what I thought.
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What's with all this 'true' nonsense? So many folks put they are/are looking for a 'true' slave/sub/Master/Mistress. What's 'true'?
Are only the folks who match your own needs and wants 'true'? Are you fake if you think or want something different than others? Isn't this world we live in supposed to be about acceptance and living out your own individual desires? Is it up to me or anyone to decide if someone else's wants are right or wrong?
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Ok, I had to take the moment to tell everyone how terrific Master's been. I'm going through some extremely stressful personal things, and Nusi has never failed to be there.. to let me know I'm His, to keep me centered, and to support me in any way He can. Thank You Nusi, I love You.
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Ok. .excuse me while I rant. Why is this site so full of gamers, users, idiots, and folks with no clue how to be respectful.. either towards an individual or a couple?
Ya know.. I thought the local "community" was full of it, it's nothing compared to here.
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For those of you who have asked about the ring... It's one Master made for me, out of a round steel rod which He forged flat. It was fashioned after His idea of the ring in the Story of O. It has great meaning to us, symbolizing the strength and depth of our commitment, and no, He doesn't make them for others. |
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I have to say, the new profile has been an eyeopener. Thank you to everyone for the kind words, and welcome to a couple of new acquaintances who've written with interesting questions or comments. |
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