True domination is in the mind, takes time, and is like a plant the grows and flourishes, although, of course, certain acts and rituals can serve as the fertilizer for that growth.
I am sub through and through, sane through and through, man through and through and want a woman to make me her object, train me and make me better at it all.
I am open to all that my owner will want, seek, and demand as I aspire to being her cherished one.
It's funny, the longer I am here, the more I realize I crave a woman closer to my age than 18, one with curves, life experience and high IQ and EQ. That may be too much, but dreams die hard.
I have served one owner in the past for three years, but it was more mental than physical and I am not a real pain slut.
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4/12/2017 6:51:26 PM
Not being allowed to cum has somehow resulted in a fascination with wheelbarrow spankings and M2M spanking.
4/10/2017 4:55:41 AM
So one benefit of serving MsLaura is knowing where the buck stops.
This morning I was going to have a very difficult call and needed some help. MsLaura allowed me to wear my plug during the call, which really kept me focused on her role as my master and how I needed to keep my calm to represent her fairly and earn her praise. It was extremely helpful with my focus and I am grateful to her.
4/6/2017 5:14:16 PM
MsLaura has asked me to reflect on this topic and whether or not punishment results in better behavior or just makes the sub a child.
It is a tough topic as I am a bit of a brat and truly crave her attention at all times. I prefer it be good attention - for doing what she has asked, for completing my tasks on time - but failing that I so crave her attention that I fear I will act up to be punished and be more in her realm.
So this is not good. The only real punishment for a sub like me is to be ignored, but then it is hard to build a true DS relationship and continue to develop our bond.
I believe that if we were to be a RT DS couple it would be different as I am not much of a pain slut and the humiliations that you can put a sub through are much greater in RT than virtually or online. I believe that if the fear of having to serve a man, truly having my cock locked up, or having to eat every drop of cum ever would be much greater if we were face to face.
So where do that leave us today? I fear it leaves me as quite a needy sub - and even I know that is bad - and needing a way for discipline that is truly a form or power exchange, submission, and maybe a dive into deeper submission.
Ironically the moments I feel this most is through MsLaura's words. They are fierce, shame me, make me feel truly small, and make me aspire to doing better, being better, and making her proud. The other forms of discipline that are most effective is when I need to do writing assignments for her or write lines. I hate both, there is no sexual gratification, and I do not get the attention I truly crave.
So, I think it brings me back to why I want to serve MsLaura so much. She is smart, worldly, and a woman of we'll chosen words. All this results in her really being in my head and honestly, somehow my feeling her power more through the written word, my shame, my need to push back my swelling indignation, and my admiration for who she is as a woman.
3/30/2017 8:34:38 AM
Back in training today. Hard to focus with a plug in for hours.
3/27/2017 12:43:37 PM
Time to talk a little of respect and how to show it as a submissive.
I am on a journey with MsLaura and I have failed her of late. She has taken time to show me her way, her path, and a way to true submission.
It is exciting, scary, and sometimes overwhelming. This is where the respect comes in. I find it hard and I am pretty desperate to please and so sometimes I don't communicate when I am feeling overwhelmed or just cannot make the logistics work. This is where I fail on respect. I fail to respect MsLaura's time, but also her judgement and knowledge of the path of a submissive. I think I have also failed to recognize her attention to detail, her willingness to disciple and correct, her desire for things to be done her way and her patience in making her will felt. There is nothing that makes me feel smaller than her continued displeasure and my need to come back to a task and make it right.
It is also a hard path as I am used to control and part of the path and giving respect is giving MsLaura that control, respecting her decisions and her guidance and doing all this in a prompt and thorough manner.
I also think it is most challenging right after an orgasm, which is such a deeply satisfying and relaxing moment as a sub..but probably the moment that true submission shows and respect for one's dominant is most true.
So my challenge is to show her more respect. To listen better defer more, respond to what she asks and to cross out of my comfort zone when that is the task that she gives. As I have asked to follow her, it is only a reasonable sign of my submission to respect her knowledge, the fact that she has walked this path before, and her respect of a submissive's submission to her.
My goals:listen, respond, ask for clarification when I don't understand. Communicate when for some reason I cannot do something fully and promptly, and the rest of the time follow her guidance to the letter in a prompt manner and confirm to her that I have completed my tasks.
I guess that respect also means accepting Ms Laura's admonitions when I fail and trying to go back and fix the problem even when it's not what I want to do. I am certain this is at the heart of submission and moving from a casual submission to a more formal one, but it is hard: it is bending my will when I don't want to. Maybe this is truly the finest form of submission and respect.
As for the future, I will continue to try to prioritize as guided and to deliver as tasked..hopefully more often on the first try, but certainly as directed when I fail at the outset.
It is a privilege to serve and learn from one with such experience and such a firm sense of self. Hopefully I can live up to the opportunity and move away from punishments and assignments and into a zone where my behavior pleases more and demonstrates my respect for MsLaura.
More to come I am sure.