In five soft spoken words, I was forever changed. I'll never forget that moment when she awakened my submissive soul.
Yes, I'm a real person on CollarSpace. Plenty of face pics to send if you're curious. And yes this a true story from my life.
She was more than a decade older than me, we met in a book store downtown. She struck up a conversation with me about the quirky title of a book I was holding, but it quickly became apparent that she just wanted a reason to talk to me.
The spark in her gaze drew me in, and how could we have ever known that the conversation we started that day wouldn't come to an end for another 5 years.
The book store led us to a coffee shop.. then to a movie.. to dinner.. it was crazy, but it flowed so naturally. She told me about her life, her family, her divorce, and her artistic passion. I told her about my work, my dreams, my friends, and my travels.
12 hours later, we were at her place, still talking like old friends.
I didn't leave that night, but we didn't sleep together. We were too busy with other things that felt far too important. The sharing of everything in life that we had discovered on our own up to this point, like we were ambitious students comparing notes. Laying a foundation for everything that would come next.
Two weeks had gone by, and I made a terrible mistake. I got scared. This was years ago before I had ever had someone come into my life who could see me so deeply. Who really knew me.
I ended it.
Good, I thought. We have such a big age difference, it would never work out. We're just saving ourselves heartbreak later on. It's easier to do this now.
I felt so certain of my choice. ... for a few days. She gave me space. She was surprised by my choice, but didn't try to convince me otherwise. That was a relief for me.
But like all bad choices tend to do, it crept into my head late at night on the third day.
"I wonder what she's doing right now?"
Followed by..
"I miss knowing what she cares about."
Somehow 11:45pm turned into 4:00am and I was awash in thoughts of her, and smiles about everything we had gone through together in such a short amount of time.
It couldn't hurt to reach out to see how she was doing, could it? No. It's best that it ends this way.
By the end of day 4, I cracked. I emailed her several pages worth of words about how much joy she had brought into my life, how awesome I thought her mind was, and how much we had expanded each others minds in such a short amount of time.
At the end of the message, I apologized.. and I asked if I could see her again.
For 48 hours.. nothing. No reply. And if you've ever lived 48 hours waiting to hear back from someone who you might certainly be falling in love with, after having ended it.. You know the sting of that special cocktail - the remorse, mixed with anxiety, 2 parts "omg did I just make the biggest mistake of my life?", and just a splash of missing the way her eyes crinkled when she laughs at my worst jokes, but then tried to look disinterested.
And finally, a REPLY!
It merely read..
"Jerk. You're going to have to make this up to me BIG TIME. <3"
An ocean of relief flooded my system. I realized I was in trouble.. I was hooked. I wanted her bad. I wanted that ethereal connection we conjure every time we're in the same room together and our minds and hearts spill out of our mouths to collaborate on our epiphany of the day.
We got together again to talk.. it was a 6 hour walk through the park and forest. One that ended back home on the couch.
I should mention that we would be in a very loving relationship for years from that point on, and up until then I would have thought it would be a fairly traditional relationship.
You know, like the ones I've had before.
But that was not our path for the next years of our life.
The reason I'm telling this story is because in hindsight we can see all the people who have come into our life for a reason. And special people may only play a role for one act in the play of our life, they were a lead actor/actress. Without them we couldn't have learned, grown, or advanced the plot to where we are today.
We are who we are because of them. And we're stronger, better people coming into the next chapter of life, to meet the next lover, friend, or foe, with more grace and skill than every before.
During the peak of our heartfelt exchange I confessed to her in earnest "I want to make you happy, happy like I see you when we're in our deep talks and funny moments."
She got this look on her face that I'll never forget. Kind of like everything in her entire universe just came together and clicked. She got on top of me, strattling me with her legs around mine. She brushed the hair away from my face and gave me a tender, prolonged kiss.
She pulled to the side, and with her lips to my ear she whispered the 5 words that changed me forever.
"I want to own you."
I still get chills.
Fast forward again to today. I have a full life. I have wonderful friends, art that challenges me, ideas that move me, work that engages me, and travels that inspire me.
In all humility I'll say that I'm so lucky that I also have people in my life who want to love me and lead me in the ways my soul yearns for. But I can't settle for *just* anyone. The last several Vanilla dates I've been on have only left me wishing for Dominance. Submission is who I am.
It can only be You. When the time is right, my door is open for You and I will find one another.
I could end with a list of kinks, of which I do have some. But more importantly I think I'll just say that I'm ready for love, and perhaps a deeply connected family with the right person.
A FLR (Female Led Relationship) is the only kind I'll consider. When an intelligent, nurturing woman is at the helm, I am her ultimate cheerleader, champion, knight, lover, emotional support, confidante, protector, and muse. Each and every one of her needs are my sincere priority. With that kind of team, what can't we accomplish in this world?
Adventure awaits :)
