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To lead this off the wrong way - if it wasnt already rather obvious, I identify as a sissy. Unfortunately, CollarSpace does not recognize that as a gender, so I place Trans there for the closest approximation.
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Time to rebuild this methinks. I am a sissy, one that enjoys alot of different kinks. I float around on some, others are VERY much near and dear to my heart. They play different roles depending on the moment, and I have had some things really push the boundries that I did not expect, with others utterly amazing that I thought would have been harder to deal with.
Single. Trying to put the pieces back together and move forward. Been a long time since I have had to look at the horizon and realize I sit alone, staring at that ball of burning gas and question what I should do next.
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You know, some days I look at life and shake my head. When those closest to me don't understand what a sissy is, let alone how to handle a sissy.
And that hurts, when people say they know and can help handle the really bad times. I have had a number of times lately where it is either a token gesture to try and help, or just words that sit in the ether and never accumulate to anything but wasted breathe and shattered hopes. And those shattering hopes and wasted breathes just add up over time to a rather profound depression, realizing that many are just going thru the motions, not even really trying. And that is the part that really kicks the depression into high gear: That I try to help so many at the expense of myself, but when it comes time for me to crack and need that help? I sit in a room alone and cry because even when directly asked, none do anything more than hollow words and more hollow actions.
Even now, on the day of lovers, my expectations are significantly shot. Pizza with the girlfriend at her place, and some TV or a movie. Nothing fancy, but that is it. I look back at my dreams a few years ago, or even longer back, and that white dress gets farther and farther away, as does the confidence to be that person ever again. And that scares me, having a big part of me fading away because I have to keep repressing it so powerfully in order to keep everyone else around me up and running in some stable form or another.
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Okay, so it may have been a while since I last updated, but here goes anyways.
I am looking for someone local to satisfy my sissy desires. Admittedly, there are some rules, mostly from my significant other, but a few from me, that while not seeming like much, have already shown some people just don't understand.
One is that they are drug and disease free. Sorry folks, not interested in STDs or someone drugged up. Keep the drugs well away from me please. I grew up around alot, and left to get away from that and more. A medical clearance is kind of a deal breaker - I am willing to get one as well.
Two is regarding safety. The girlfriend wants safe calls, at minimum, to ensure things are going okay. I can understand this, having been a part of some really scary situations in the past. She is more than willing to meet with people to make sure the words are from her as much as me...to many people online say their significant other is okay with it, when they don't have any clue.
Three is that I don't want just a one time thing. I would prefer a long term arrangement. I have alot of kink interests, and am willing to explore even more. For some reason, people love to make promises and just do a pump and dump once....one would think that a booty call multiple times would be more useful *wink wink*
Sorry....it's been a long blurg regarding things, but that is life when trying to arrange meetings and such. |
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Sometime I look at myself and wonder how I survived this long. I re-read a handful of journal entries of mine, and it seems the parallels are just the same things repeated over and over again. A journal entry from 2013 says everything I feel now. The same minor pieces that stop me from 'indulging' my own needs and desires keep occurring. I bring these points up to those that say they will help....then it is ignored. They blame everything else and I just have to keep accepting it....Despite me destroying myself to help them with theirs. I wish I could say this is a once in my life occurrence....but not even an on one hand number.
I cannot help but shed tears of sadness, because this has me questioning if anything ever said to me is true. I keep hearing people say they will help, but when I need it, all I see is the open field before the cliff.
I just don't know anymore, and every time it happens, that edge gets closer and closer.
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This is put forward primarily because of my irritation and anger.
I am tired of people getting a bug up their asses because a choice I make isn't acceptable to them. So a background color is bright, or dark, a font matches yours....there are ways to deal with that. Asking once to change it can be done politely. However, asking it to be changed multiple times is excessive. Many people get pissed off because of a yellow background color - despite my font color being dark enough to be seen on it. It is put in a highlighter-like look because it makes it different than other people's fonts. If there is a problem with that and your on IRC - learn your IRC, you can set fonts to be whatever you want on your end. And if your on the basic chat site, you can always get IRC or something similiar, with ease. So stop the bitching and moaning about fonts - it is a chat site, they have the fonts and colors there, and people will use them.
I wish I could say this only happened in one channel, but I now count three channels this occurs in. I am slowly but surely looking at Collarspace as a waste of time. The chat rooms are getting stale, the videochat is not back, and at this point I doubt it ever will be, and truthfully the people I visit here for are either never present or AFK constantly and their name sits idle. |
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I keep trying. I pick myself up, dust off the dirt that I get every time I fail and fall on my face. Each time, a part of me dies. Each time, I grow more and more weary of the lack of things in my life, and the fact that I am the only person fighting for them. Each time, the fall hurts more because I keep grasping to hope. Each time, that hope gets dashed in front of me just as it peaks to blossom. It keeps dragging me down, farther and farther each time, and each time it gets harder and harder to get back up.
I can't keep this up. Emotionally, I am a wreck. I have given thought to hormones in the past, but at this rate, hormones would make me nonsensical and a wreck even worse? No thanks - I will stay self-hating. Mentally, I am gone. I am barely wanting to try anymore, and even my own willpower is failing me at this point. I still hold dear the promises I made to a few folk, but I don't know if those promises hold the same bearing with the weight on my heart and soul. I won't even go into the idea of Socially, because my social life is consisting of time in the VidChat and time in Second Life. Physically? I feel like shit. I am not hungry, I barely can stomach foods I actually like, and worse off is that I don't even care anymore.
I see the various things that happened in the past, and the things as they happen now. Always a reason, always something happening. Taken alone, I will accept that. Put everything together, and it paints a picture that puts me out on a cliff and the little bit of wind left seems to be trying to help me stay off the open air. And I don't know how long that wind will last.
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Okay for those of you that read this and pay it any heed. It is that time - rant and rave.
First off - people need to stop crying on my shoulder about shit that I have already given then advice over - either you will follow the advice I have given, modify it to your own use or ignore it. I do not want to keep hearing about the same problem over and over till I get so mad that I block you from messenger.
Second - Some people need to learn that I have a limit. I reach it and explode. I keep myself fairly happy go lucky and bouncy for a reason folks - the other side of me is a very dark and dangerous place, both for myself and those around me. It scares me, and even more makes me shake and want to run to protect everyone from it.
Finally - When it comes down to it, friendship is sacred. Everything in life is based off the friendships we have, and to break that friendship is all but akin to stabbing me in the back. You do it once, and we are done. Very rarely will I offer a second chance, but if I do, cherish it. For another one does NOT come down the line. |
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Well, It seems things always change. I have been nabbed, yet again. This time though it isn't anything like the previous. I am slowly coming to accept that my choices in life need to be more internally focused, and less on what others want.
This proves to be a very large hurdle for me. I look over who I am, and how my submission is done, and both clash so heavily it makes me wonder if I should just take Miss J up on Her offer to break me down fully and completely. The more I think on it, the more harsh and depressed I get. There are so many aspects to my brain that link to my submission that it hurts to think about leaving that alone for a while. But I cannot deny that Miss J was right - I have to do something. This path I am on is killing me and slowly going to turn me into something I am not.
To close this, I just hope that I am looking at this all the right way. A few opinions have been stated, and it seems not many trust me enough to question me anymore. When did I become the Albus Dumbledore of my friend's circle? Able to do no wrong and unquestioned in everything I do?
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Looking at my last entry, i can definately see a difference in my outlook. Is that a good thing? i am unsure. But it is a different outlook. Spending a week under contract helps bring things into perspective. i admit i am not as slavish as many, and more bratty than is probably a good thing. But for my flaws, i am still putting my serving first. Despite pain, sickness or sadness. And it comes around to help me from each, knowing that pain is a teacher, sickness a test and sadness a passing feeling. Yes, i am a horny little slut at times. At others, i feel almost non-sexual, and wonder why and how that occurs. Truly, i am lost in that feeling of contentment, knowing i wake up and have a few minutes before starting my day, wondering what it will hold for me. The wonder and awe at just the small things has started to come back, and it helps more than the best drugs a doctor can provide...
Now there is an idea...treat depression with enforced slavery...hmm.
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Gah...there comes a time when i really do start wondering what i need to do to get laid. I just need a dick in me...or really many dicks over a period of time. I really want it, and whenever i do the normal males whom would normally jump at it suddenly are backpedalling..why?
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Well, now i am wearing a chastity cage.
I bought a CB-2000, and am so far very impressed with it. Just looking at it fills me with equal parts of dread and exhiliration.
I am also looking into the beginings of starting to permanently transform into Krystal.
So here goes!
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| Age: 30 |
| Netherlands |
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