What the fuck is wrong with me? Ive been gone for like two months and pretty much all that looked at my profile is male subs eligible to collect social security. FML. Seriously FML - with a fork. I mean this just sucks, badly.

So what the hell is up with all of these hot young female subs / slaves who have dead masters? Every other profile "Master just died" or "After losing master to death". What the fuck? Seems like being a master ranks right up there in terms of life expectancy with #2 man in Al Queda, bomb squad cop in Fallujah, and crash test dummy... Ironically - so many seem to have "model quality pics"... Me thinks the Africans have decided to work the death thing into the sales pitch... LOL

Jesus Christ I can not believe that its even necessary to say this... BUT I am absolutely, positively, 1000% unwilling to talk to you if you are "currently in Africa" or ANY African country for any reason whatsoever! I don't care if you are "helping orphans", in "the missionary position", "with family" , in the "Piece Corpse" or if you are "unworker of much standing". The ONLY exception to this would be meissies from South Africa. If you are claiming this exemption, we will converse IN AFRIKAANS. I speak Afrikaans and if you are from South Africa then you know how to speak it too... If you are NOT an Afrikaans speaking South African, then please stick to whatever you are supposed to be doing over there. Find the Ebola Monkey, suck venom out of Mamba bites in the privvy, find the landmines, do whatever you went there to do... The "Piece Corpse" and "The Missionary Position" are generally not "lifestyle friendly". IDIOTS.

HOLY SHIT - Miley Cyrus has an account here and shes a "no limits slave"... Wow, whoda thunk! Of course the more probable explanation is that this is another African Scammer...

AFRICAN SCAMMER HELPFUL TIP # 678 - "Famous People Are Famous Because Everyone Recognizes Them" If a magazine with that picture of her talking in on the phone in bed has reached the communal privy in that malaria ridden turd pile you call a village, then you can safely assume everyone in the civilized world has seen it already. Stop using pictures of famous people! Instead get a photo of the missionary who feeds you or the nurse who treated your moms syphillis or the UN peacekeeper down at the Ebola ward... People don't recognize them...

"Zombie Walks" OK I have to ask WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? Ya know REALLY a "zombie walk" is a good way to get shot in the head by somebody who watches too much of "The Walking Dead". 

Or even less organized than a "zombie walk" just walking around like a zombie... Scaring people is NOT cool. Scaring people is not smart. Scaring people is not safe. Scaring random strangers is an excellent way to get shot.
Yes I realize zombies do not exist, but when confronted with something trying to eat / bite / or in some way menace me I dont really care if its a zombie, or an idiot kid who smoked too much rock and decided to try biting random strangers - "I aint gettin bit"

 Morons should move to a state where only the criminals have guns if they want to do that crap, cause Texas isnt the place to be scaring folks.

Ok I need to rant... What the fuck has happened in this country? Once upon a time we were pioneers who carved a country out of a God forsaken wilderness. We cleared the land, set up farms and ranches - not sure if the Commanches would come during the night to kill us and cart away our women. We held the Alamo against overwhelming odds and great personal sacrifice, eventually defeating the Mexican Army. We kicked the British Crown in the ass in 1776 and then again in 1812. Texas Rangers rode alone, providing order on the Frontier and hunting down Pancho Villa. We turned Hitler into ashes, and rode Tojo's white horse through the streets of Tokyo while two of his cities glowed. We invented airplanes, and in a matter of a few decades went from 100 feet at Kitty Hawk to the moon and back. We put iron rails and copper wires across the continent, a car in every driveway, a refrigerator and TV set in every house, and once upon a time little boys grew up wanting to be cowboys or astronauts or aviators or gmen. Now, somehow, we have turned into a bunch of vajazzled vaginas who are afraid of their own shadows, and who shit in their panties, clean out the walmart, fill up the bathtubs, and run to a "secure bunker" because we might get a winter storm. Really - what the hell happened to us as a people?

I swear I should open a school to provide job training to African Scammers. Unfortunately - they are so bad at their "job" that they wouldnt have any money and hence wouldnt be able to pay the tuition. NOTE - - a BARRISTER in South Africa pleads cases before the higher courts. He is a trial specialist, engaged by a SOLICITER (lawyer) to argue before the appellate and supreme courts.

A Barrister does NOT, and may NOT by law, prepare or review contract documents, or perform ANY other legal work outside of ARGUING A CASE BEFORE AN APPEALS COURT. They dont even directly speak to their own clients - as a matter of law, they can only be hired by a solicitor.

Unless you happen to be a South African High Court justice, as soon as someone talks about the BARRISTER interacting with you, you can know with 100% certainty that you are being scammed... Idiots!

This "people gulping Potassium Iodide pills because of the radiation" is really starting to crack me up. A few points - Japan is 5600 miles from the US left coast. A person in California will get more radiation from eating a bananna (10 microsievert) than they will from Japan. Hell even having granite countertops will dose you with .85 REM per year, and a pack a day of cigarette smoking gives you 6 REM (60 millisievert). Secondly, Potassium Iodide is NOT an "antidote to radiation" it blocks your thyroid from absorbing radioactive Iodine. If the miniscule amounts of debris hitting california is cesium, strontium, calcium, cobalt, americium, plutonium, uranium, ziconium, etc etc etc the pills wont do anything. Third, next week the lines at the VD clinics in Cali will be longer than the gas lines in Tokyo. In addition to not doing anything for you - the pills will turn your urine red and make it burn so bad when you piss that you will think you spent the weekend in Bangkok. ROFL

Today is a great day in the history of two nations. A great man was born on this day who for 43 years has walked this planet making it a better place merely by his presence. Let us all join hands and pay homage on this day to the beloved, brilliant, and beautiful ME!

 Join me in a moment of reflection and raise your glasses in celebratory toast to say Veels geluk met jou verjaarsdag! (Happy Birthday) to the one..... the only.... the magnificent ME!

Welcome to WW3. If ya'll haven't done so yet, you better gas up your cars. If this situation in Egypt continues to spiral out of control as its doing expect to see $10 a gallon gasoline. Think Im kidding?  If the Suez canal is compromised - no oil from the middle east. You could very easily see $200 bbl oil prices. One bbl is 42 gallons - $4.76 per gallon for CRUDE. Now load it on a tanker, and take it on a month long oddessy around Africa, including a trip right past the somali pirates and your looking at $10 a gallon at the pump - $250 to fill my Explorer. Thanks Barrack!

Merry Christmas!

En Afrikaans - Geseënde Kersfees!

and Espanol -Feliz Navidad!

Some of these idiot African scammers should really learn geography and Botany. They will post pictures in Texas showing themselves in coats surrounded by mounds of snow, they will post pictures of themselves in Colorado with palm trees... Their stupidity amazes me.

I must have a kind face, or else Im just an idiot magnet. Some old guy walks up to me in Walmart and says "Ya know what?" Against my better judgement I asked "What?" and he replies "I just shit my pants! I thought it was just a fart but I done shit myself!" WTF??? I say again - WTF??? (The saddest part is hes probably a dom on this site.) LOL

From the WHAT THE FRACK files.... Apparently KFC now has a tv ad campaign trying to get you to buy a $19.99 KFC christmas dinner. The KFC 12 piece "Festive Feast"... Start a new holiday tradition and leave the cooking to KFC? WHAT THE FRACK? If I ever got so low as to cater Christmas dinner with a bucket of KFC I would blow my fracking head off.  Did they not realize that the Ricky Bobby KFC Thanksgiving on "Talledegah Nights" was a redneck joke? Jeeeeeez!!!!!!!!!!! http://www.kfc.com/promos/commercial.asp

Interesting thought about gays... Almost all women in the world perform fellatio and enjoy cunnlingus. Most women also at the very least tolerate anal sex, and many enjoy it. Yet for some reason - women, who do the exact same thing as gays do, don't seem to feel the need for a pride parade? When was the last time you heard of a group calling themselves "Irish Lasses Who Like To Slurp The Shelllaliegh" trying to force themselves into a St Patrick's Day parade??? :D

There is not a good bagel to be had in the entire Houston Bay area... Seriously I am FRACKING SICK TO DEATH OF BREAKFAST TACOS. Wonder if I could make a trade with the Isrealis... Ill swap them 175,000 mexican lawnboys for one good Jewish deli owner??? To paraphrase Patrick Henry - "Give me latkes or give me death!!!"

As a Texas Republican, I have to say I think Sarah Palin is an agent of the Democrats sent in to infiltrate the GOP and to just generally reduce the intelligence of our party as a whole. She is like a black hole for mental energy. "We need to defend our friend NORTH Korea???? REALLY???? I understand that she went to five colleges before she found one that gave her a degree but still - has she never seen MASH?

So like I was watching TV and seeing North Korea shelling South Korea (while obama sat back, ignored our treaty, and proved once and for all that its a myth negros have big schlongs). Anyway, one of the 155 mm artillery rounds tore into a Denny's Resteraunt... I thought to myself:

OMG! THEY KILLED DENNYS!!! YOU BASTARDS!!!

Exercise can be hazardous to your health.... I decided to shape up by running to work yesterday - its only five miles so figured I could do it easily. (Plus that way I would have NASTY STINKY SWEATY BALLS for the TSA guy to squeeze!) Bad idea. Fuck exercise. I don't need to exercise, Ill just pay someone to do it for me... My little jog turned out to be a cross between the Death March on Battan, the Longest Mile, and the Trail of Tears... Thank God I saw that McDonalds before I collapsed... hehehe

Apparently I have somehow drawn the ire of one of the retard doms around here and now his panties are firmly wadded up. So he does what all little boys with tiny penises and no self esteem do - he starts lobbing around threats. Hmmmm let me see - I have dropped bombs on Saddam Hussein's house and Mohammed Farrah Adid's car - so how likely is it that I am frightened by a repressed homosexual who is apparently tough because he invested in a genuine imitation pleather vest? (Unfortunately he doesnt seem to be able to afford a shirt though LOL)  Really calling yourself "wolf" doesnt make you tough, it just invites a real man to take ya to the pound and have you neutered.  

So what the hell is up with all of these "ghost" and "haunting" shows on Animal Planet lately? Are ghosts now some kind of pet? WTF? Then again I suppose anything is an improvement over televised meerkats... I never understood why our TV execs felt the need to broadcast the life and times of South African gophers...

In the name of God ladies, use a little common sense with the butt plugs! I like ass play and love anal sex but fecal incontinence is NOT appealing. There is no reason you should be walking around all day with something the size of an Apollo space capsule lodged in your bunghole... I saw a picture on here of a woman with a two liter soda bottle in her ass.  WTF dont you know that can cause brain damage???

A note to some of the "sissies" and "cd's" out there... Ya know, some transexuals make very beautiful women. They are born with dainty effeminate features, surgeons can do amazing work, and hormones can work wonders. HOWEVER, if you happen to be a butt ugly freaky looking mutant dude, than all that cross dressing will do is make you a butt ugly freaky looking mutant dude in a dress. Seriously, if you are too ugly to get laid BY a woman, then getting laid AS a woman is even less likely. Spare yourself the whole "Jamie Gumer" experience guys...

Some of the largest women I have ever seen in my life seem compelled to use screen names with some variation of "little" and "lion".  Just a point of fact - the average "panthera leo" (African Lion) weighs 300 to 400 pounds, has a brain the size of a walnut, and emits a horribly foul smelling skunk-like musk that can be detected hundreds of yards downwind... Thought I would share that tidbit of wildlife trivia... ;)

So I celebrated the election results pretty hard last night... To the point where I took the day off and slept till 11am. (Yes I know that seems harsh, but that whole "drunk pilot" thing is pretty unpopular with the flying public) Anyway I put the TV on and couldnt figure out why they seemed to be showing the same "Planet of the Apes" movie on every channel... Turned out to just be Barrack Obama holding a press conference. It is amazing how simian in appearance he is...

Ah, election day in the USA. Today is a glorious day... Soon the Kenyan Bushman and his socialist agenda shall be rendered impotent, and then the impeachment can begin. :D REJOICE! REJOICE AND BE MERRY! The end of the reign of the savage is near! :D After impeachment, DEPORTATION!!!!

There should really be a minimum IQ requirement, and a law requiring at least sixth grade literacy before you are allowed to have sex. Seriously - if you dont meet the requirements you should be deemed "retarded" and hence incapable of consent. Below is a message I got from a SUB M. "Greets 2 mistah mastur I am SUB M dat hope to be in ur sever 4 NO LIMUT SERVUR, I wear fee male cloths and sexule pantees and gives all hole 2u 4 server widt no limut!" Well at least the fucking idiot can spell MOST of the two letter words!

I got the funniest email just now from a Nigerian scammer... He is apparently a South African lawyer named "Barrister Squitpoep Poeslap" Some Afrikaaner obviously had fun with this idiot - Squitpoep Poeslap means "Squirt Fart Cuntrag" LMFAO

So the Kenyan illegal immigrant squatting in President McCains office calls the bombs on the UPS planes "a credible terrorist threat". Live explosives on an aircraft isnt a "threat" its an attack. The overt act has already been made by the time the explosives get loaded on the aircraft. Go home Barrack, there is a village in Kenya missing its idiot...

So these panties with the sayings silkscreened on the ass... Beyond a certain size it should be illegal to put "SEXY" or "HOTTIE" on the ass of panties. Some alternative wordings I could suggest would be "WIDELOAD" or "OVERSIZE" or the ever popular "KEEP BACK 500 FEET"...

Why is it that some of the folks who feel the most need to expound on "no cam, your not going to see me naked, blah blah blah" happen to be the very LAST people on earth than anyone would actually WANT to see naked. I mean REALLY - dont flatter yourself! LOL

For those bent out of shape about my earlier use of the word "negro" to refer to colored folk - I will stop using those two terms when the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) and the United Negro College Fund (UNCF) change their names. If you still find those terms unacceptable there are a half a dozen Afrikaans words I use frequently that would work just fine for me, but I suspect you would like them even less.

Wow human services got SO much better under the Kenyan bushman... I just tried to help an elderly neighbor get the senior meals delivery. Three month wait... NICE - Hang in there maam you will eat in early Feb. The new Obamacare initiative against senior obesity - the Auschwitz Diet. So hows that "hopey changey thing" working out for ya'll?

Ive said it before - Ill say it again. Contrary to what the various wonderdoms will tell you - Slave contracts are toilet paper. VOID, unenforceable, and they will provide you no protection at all. They just serve as evidence for the prosecution... There is a guy in Missouri now facing 11 federal charges, including conspiracy, sex trafficking by force, fraud or coercion, and forced labor trafficking, and four other men also facing federal charges relating to the same "slave contract". Anyone who would give you a slave contract is too dumb to be a dom... LOL If you are doing something on the fringes of legality - like this lifestyle - for Gods sake dont leave a paper trail!

A word about personal appearance. It seems to me that a lot of people either do not own mirrors or they have an entirely unrealistic value of their self worth. Do some of the doms around here actually belive that young hotties who could move right into the Playboy Mansion are interested in "serving" broke ass, overweight, ugly old dirtbags with the grooming and personal hygeine of the wild man of Borneo? You cannot derive your self esteem from another person. You need to look good to feel good, so instead of finding a partner at this time - some folks would be better served finding a bathtub, a disposable razor, a job, or a gym. The Unabomber doesnt exactly cause damp panties...

WTF is wrong with Texans? I am proud to be one but sometimes my fellow Texans leave me scratching my head in stunned disbelief... I dont have any children so I ordinarily don't go in the baby food aisle but today I was doing some "charity shopping" - filling a box for donation. I saw - JALAPENO BABYFOOD! It seems they also have "Three Alarm Chili" baby food? What the fracking hell??? It should be considered felony child abuse to serve a baby jalapeno peppers or hot chili!!!! My asshole feels like Ive been cornholed with a red hot fireplace poker the day after eating Texas chili, and Im not a diaper wearing infant...

A harsh look at reality... In looking through some of the subbie journals I am seeing these heartfelt tales of woe, mystery, mahem, and intrigue... Some of these are what can best be described as "drama". A little bit on "marketability"... If you are telling tragic tales of abuse, entrapment, etc... If you have been forced into prostitution, made to give up your income, etc... What kind of a man are you going to attract? A knight in shining armor? Hell no! All the knights are busy with the princesses. If you are telling tales of how you were essentially rode hard and put away wet then you are going to attract OTHER USERS AND ABUSERS. You might as well put up a neon sign that says "Easy Mark". Seriously ladies, that is NOT the way to market yourself. Accentuate the positive...

So - the mine rescue in Chile... I'm really happy that the Chilean president and the people of Chile are so proud of "their rescue"... However, just a question... NASA has been feeding them, keeping them healthy, sane, and alive. An oil company from Houston drilled the hole, using a special bit made by a company in Pennsylvania, using directional drilling equipment from Tulsa, OKlahoma. Then they were brought up with an escape capsule, designed by NASA engineers, using medical protocols set up by NASA doctors, carried out under the supervision of a mine rescue team from Colorado? So uh - WHAT PART OF THIS RESCUE IS FROM CHILE????

Crossdressers are not female. One would think this is obvious but some of these confused MEN, seem to think it is OK to create a female profile and to contact straight men. Just because you wear your grandmas panties and dance infront of a mirror with a white poodle while whispering "Do you think Im pretty? Would you fuck me?" does not make you a woman. It just makes you Buffalo Bill from The Silence of the Lambs.  Consider this your one fair warning, if you contact me as a woman and you are not, I am going to play along and to tell you to meet me at a certain bar in Pasadena, TX. I won't actually be there, but I assure you that after the rednecks in there are done you will think that kid in Wyoming got off easy.  Another thing - if you are a hideously ugly man, you are even worse as a woman. If you have no intention of surgically becoming a woman, then you are a gay man. If you intend to become a woman then you are a transexual. You are NOT, as long as that cock swings, "female"...

One would think this is common sense - but apparently it is not.  I have observed a number of female subs raving endlessly in their profiles about their financial distress, the economy, and of course George Bush. Ill address them point by point. #1 George Bush is retired and lives in Dallas - the Kenyan bushman has been driving the train wreck for almost two years now. How is that hopey changey thing working out for you? Point #2 - You are young - you are supposed to be poor. When I was your age I lived out of a dufflebag, aboard a ship, and I made $12K a year with a four year degree. My coffee table was a wire spool and I got my couch from the trash. Unlike most doms on here however, I have since upgraded my furnishings. Finally - do you really consider it tasteful to rave about  your finances? Is it anyones business? To those rare doms on here who actually have both a pot to piss in and a window to throw it out of, it screams "I am looking for a mealticket" or "Will you be my host organism?" A little tact ladies...

AFRICAN SCAMMER TIP #2 -If you are going to pretend to be a beautiful blonde from South Africa, DO NOT use a photo of Charlize Theron! See Ms. Theron, while an authentic boeremeisie, is what is known as a "celebrity". This means she is famous and everyone recognizes her. What you want to do is to get a picture of a woman nobody knows. Then we might believe you, but most of us are not stupid enough to think that Charlize Theron, Avril LaVigne, Jenna Bush, Piper Perabo, and Candice Swanepoel are trapped in various African refugee camps looking for a master. Yet for some reason - all of these women have profile pics on here.

Exactly what part of my profile say I am interested in male subs? Is it the part that says "straight"? Or the part that says "women"? Really guys - if you truly want to "serve me with no limits" demonstrate that willingness by setting yourself on fire before you message me...