There is a common BDSM though that fantasy rarely equals reality. I can see this point and always sort of thought it was probably true. My fantasies always revolved around intensity, connection some sort of "higher plane" of D/s that I thought was real. It turns out that not only was it real, but for me it was something even better. It turns out, that no matter what I dreamed about in those fantasies; I was always in control of them. In real life, I no longer control anything about them and the intensity and connection and incredibleness that occurs is even more than I imagined. Sometimes it is withering and it shrinks my brain down to an animal level and screaming is the only thing that I can do. Of course, all credit goes to the incredible Ms T whose intellect and power are second to none. I am always amazed how she gets into my psyche and interrupts my brain function with a laser. I am the luckiest roo ever, and that is not even debatable.

I am lucky that I get to be naked in Ms. T's presence. Nothing feels more right and natural then kneeling before her, waiting in anticipation. I begin to get excited as she inspects my skin, she begins to absorb me. At times I am positioned for certain things like foot worship or a spanking, usually the start of something as her power further engulfs me. Sometimes then, things move to varying levels of bondage. Some I am completely immobile and others it is light, sometimes just the mental bondage. The length and breadth of depravity is accelerated here, as my mind is cracked open and spilled out. Every dark corner of my brain she wishes on display she takes, sometimes to the point of my cries of anguish. I feel like I can give no more and she still takes if she wants. At that point she is somehow inside me over me, I feel like she is thinking for me and my thoughts are merely her manipulation. I can no longer react to her, I am hers. It is like when to move your fingers and you don't have to think about it, it just is. These feelings of fulfilling submission are the most intense feelings I have ever felt and I owe it all to her skill and prowess. These feelings leave me satisfied and beyond hungry. I am a very, very lucky roo and I won't forget it.

Ms. T has me edge myself while we are apart. That means I fantasize about play with her and masturbate but I am not allowed to orgasm. I bring myself again and again to the brink but stop. It is a maddening exercise that she loves to incorporate and it makes me desperate. But no matter what the fantasy and no matter the feeling, nothing compares to the actual experience. It is at that moment when the real thing happens that the fantasy is no longer mine and the control I had over it are gone. I can feel every small bit of my skin, everything is vulnerable and I can feel the weight of an erection. But at that point it is no longer mine, it is hers. There is no more fantasy, only the incredible reality of her desires. The only thing I have left is to react and to suffer. The physical part is one thing and incredible but the mental part of loss of control is the ultimate intensity. I no longer control any part, and I am subject to her whims and amusement. She takes, I give. She excellently crumbles me up like a piece of paper. My thoughts are no longer mine in any way, they are hers. And that becomes the unmatched sexual intensity that is like a drug. It always makes me want more and more. The peaks are higher and the lows are lower. Whatever in life could be so incredible?
I am the luckiest roo of all.  

I can never fully explain the feelings of intensity and the eroticism. I can't fully expect it to get better each time but then it happens. I am then in this place, screaming, babbling, trying to keep it together. She attacks my brain and there is no way to hide anything. All of the vulnerabilities, all of my fears and weaknesses exposed for her to see and exploit. The feelings are unbelievable, unavoidable and there is no way to fully explain them with words. Her skill and intuitiveness are unmatched and I really can say there is no luckier boy than me. 

The intense feelings never get old. My domme knows how to push me down (or raise me up, it's the same) until at some point I realize I am being used completely for her pleasure. I can always tell, I can hear it at this point. The feeling of the disconnect from the world is amazing. It feels like being in a space capsule, connected only to her. The rest of the world doesn't exist, my lifeline is through her. All of my vulnerabilities are open and she is staring at me, staring through me, Using me. It is unlike any feeling in the world and I am truly lucky to know someone so intuitive, so smart and so understanding. The luckiest roo ever.

I feel so fortunate to be in the place that I am. She understands me for who I am and she accepts me. Who I am matches who she is in the D/s dynamic. At times it seems perfect. I don't have to pretend anything, and whatever my shortcomings are she doesn't have to tell me. Her presence in my life makes me want to be better. If she ever had to tell me I needed to be better in anything I would be disappointed in myself because she deserves better. It's not her job to micromanage me, it's my job to make her happy and relaxed. She gives me so much that it is not comprehensible that I would give back in any way I could. I'm very lucky and I won't ever take it for granted.  

She is one of a kind. The person that can break me up inside like no other. The person that says things to me that make me crazy. The person that does stuff to me that makes me mad, just to see the reaction. The person that loves to see me edge myself because she knows it makes me crazy and even a little bit angry. I feel like a good domme knows how to tap into that emotion, those feelings. Some might say they would never want anger to be present, but to her it is a play. There is a beginning, a middle and an end. It might encompass every feeling known to man, or just one. I am the puppet in the play, the actor directed to do as she says. Make no mistake, it is not a . It is an ongoing, evolving chapter in the life of a sub, driven by Ms. T. The screaming, writhing, begging life of a sub. There is nothing finer.

I am so lucky to have a domme to confide in, to tell all my darkest thoughts to, to confess all of the secret and hidden things that are in my head. Of course all those things are always taken to the next level and exploded beyond imagination. The awesome thing is we talk about everything. The conversation can be about BDSM, wild birds, cooking or algebra. It is always intelligent and always engaging and I always learn something.  Luckiest roo ever.

Usually when we are together there is service, enjoying each others company and play. Sometimes it is arrive, get naked, get put into restraint and feed her as best as I can. Probed, poked, stretched, slapped and flogged and laying on the floor feeling like a tub of pudding. I know how much she loves this, but I really always consider it a reward. I have never felt so lucky giving or receiving. As always, luckiest roo ever.

I am often at a loss for words, they don't seem to do justice. They don't seem strong enough. Imagine being trapped in a shoebox with the sweetest viper that has ever been. She wants to coax you along, she wants you to be the most vulnerable you could possibly be, so when she strikes the fall is abrupt and sudden. And it doesn't just happen once, it happens again and again, until there is no resistance left. Nothing left to say, no way to beg or whimper out. The ultimate feeling of vulnerability and the feeling of being held on the end of the tether of her brain. At that point she thinks for me, she moves for me, she breathes for me. It is ultimately frightening and exhilarating all at once, almost to much to bear. Bu the most addictive drug in the world and every single time a trip that cannot be forgotten.

As always, the lucky roo. Beyond luck, really.

   I had a great holiday season. I got to spend some quality time with my domme, and every second was precious. We spent time searching for her Christmas gift, walking, talking about things, and even an hour talk about algebra (She is smart like that, she can talk intelligently about a variety of subjects, its quite attractive).

   One day things ended up with me standing on an end table, wrists and ankles tethered together tightly through a hook on the wall. I won't tell the things that happened there. I will say that at times I felt like she was the most evil person ever, in a good way. The intensity felt like there was a gun pointed at me, but in a safe way. Sort of like that intense movie scene that invokes emotion, except its real, its happening, and I am helpless to stop it.

   Its really the most incredible feeling in the world and there is no way to properly put it in words or give her the credit that is due. The luckiest boy in the world.   

Ms T likes to wind me up like a spring until I am almost ready to snap. Then she uncoils me and uses the unloading of energy for her amusement and enjoyment. I like to think I perform well in these situations and if you asked her I think she would say the same. The reason though, is because of her. I do well because of her. I do unprecedented in my life because of her. I am hardened into an arrow because of her and anything is possible.

Luckiest roo ever.

And I wonder

If everything could ever feel this real forever

If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I'll ever ask of you

You've got to promise not to stop when I say when........

Ms T does not believe a dominant can fundamentally change someone. What she does is make the bad parts of me better and the good parts of me great. She makes me feel invincible. I can do these things for her. At one time they felt impossible, now they are easy. I feel as though she took a confusing puzzle and almost completely put it together, and every day I am amazed by her and what she means to me.

The luckiest, luckiest boy ever.

There is a closeness of BDSM to a religion like Buddhism. After a bit of time I lose all of the external things in my life, and for that time the focus is on her. The mind is clear. Nothing else in the universe means anything and nothing can break the spell. The mind has been cleared out and suffering for her is all that matters. The moments of clarity are sharper than a fall morning and mean more to me that can be properly described.

A d/s relationship is like a pitcher and a cup. The cup should be empty, ready to receive what is in the pitcher. The cup also needs to be below the pitcher, so it is able to receive what the pitcher is pouring out.

A sub should be open to the domme's wishes and desires, not expecting or looking inward. The focus should always be outward. Also, the sub should be below the domme, so the natural flow of things is from the top down.

This is always where I feel the most natural, on my hands and knees, naked before her. Ready to accommodate her, serve her. I am the empty cup, waiting the pitcher to fill me up.

I feel like the main purpose of BDSM is to create some kind of relationship. Whether is be a serious personal one, a slave/master one, or a community one, everyone should be in this to create some type of relationship, be it top or bottom. It is not that magical or mystical, it is pretty obvious to me. Of course, when the round peg fits right into the round hole (no pun intended, I think), things could not be better.  I don't believe things could be better for me.

A two day retreat to a remote cabin in the woods, there was perfect weather, pristine nature, absolute silence, and whimpering and screaming. Mine of course, lol. To spend those perfect days with the perfect domme always makes life worth living, and days that are engrained into my memory forever.

Ms. T and I had a particularly wicked scene today. Here is the texts I sent her this evening while reflecting on the day. Her texts are redacted.

I want to tell you about today

First of all...awesome, unbelievably erotic

Loved your closeness at times while you were hurting/teasing me

Whispering to you/breathing you in then was incredible

And I can feel your calm next to my suffering

Feels really controlling

Plus wanted to touch you

So erotic

Also

Loved it when you made me arch my back

Made me hold a submissive pose

Loved trying to present for you

To hold it there

Made me crazy then, and now lol

The pain level was on perfect erotic tease level

I think I was close to orgasm when you were spanking me

Close to orgasm now lol

Something....our birthday chat, whatever has triggered me

You did something, lol

The whole day Monday, maybe

It's like you are reading these things in my head that can't be written

Or read for that matter

Everything, every move

breaks me apart

Can't fend it off or stop it

Ultimate loss of control

So intense I barely understand it.

This was the end of this particular discussion. You tell me, luckiest boy or luckiest boy ever?

Lets face it, anyone could take a whip and limit me out. Pain is easy. It is easy to give and easy to break someone in that vein. That has never really interested me. Ms T knows how to push me the mental edge, an attack on everything. Sometimes whimpering, sometimes screaming, always feeling like I am being pulled apart mentally. This is a rare skill, and I am quite lucky to be subjugated to this skill again and again.

I will never take any of this for granted. The foundation of that is as solid as possible.

I think a sub should always feel a little desperate. There are many male subs, few female dominants. I also feel there are fewer matches. The match between dominant and submissive when things click and everything is right. Therefore when a sub finds his Domme he should always feel like he is lucky, and he should always feel like he needs to focus on her and make sure she is happy with him. Because he could be replaced, and that should keep him on his toes all the time.

She lets me be me. She does not ever judge me in any way. She lets me be creative and she wants me to spill the things out of my head to her. All of my fantasies, my secrets, my nightmares, everything. She is intuitive beyond belief, she gets inside my head to understand what is in there and what makes me tick.

Then she uses that to take it all apart and step on it. It is quite an incredible experience.

Have you ever heard of a draft? The thing that happens when something is going through the air fast and the object behind is moving freely?

This is what I feel like. She moves, she opens the space. I have no choice but to follow. It is easy moving, no resistance. She opens the space and draws me in. Then I am hers, she owns me, she decides when I move and think. She makes me want these things, makes me cry out for them. Life is hard and complicated. I feel like all of this is past me when I am with her, it is simple and easy. The most uncomplicated thing ever. Just follow her, please her, do what she wishes.

There is no word past fortunate that I can use to describe myself.

I always say it feels like the deepest recessed fantasies in my brain are being unlocked and ripped out. The fantasy of it is that it has become the most real thing ever. While she is deconstructing me, taking me apart piece by piece, it is the most real thing that could ever be happening at that moment. There is no way to turn away, no way to ignore any part of the scene, or think for a second it is not real. In a world full of phonies and things that are half real, she is the realest person I know and when she pulls me into her world the fantasy becomes reality.

As is always the case, luckiest boy ever. 

She takes every part of my body for her use......but it always feels like she is raping my mind.

My domme puts me in this little box. Not a physical one, but a mental one. She knows how to cage me in regardless of how I am feeling or whats on my mind. It's the most amazing thing, as many things we have done, the thing that most stands out to me is the mental things and that little tiny cage my mind gets pushed into.

And no matter what, in one minute I feel like I am restrained and dangling for her amusement. It is still the most amazing feeling ever.

To me it seems like the simplest thing ever. A circle. I always get everything I could possibly want out of our Domme/sub relationship. Thats right, you read it right, I get everything I want and need. Everything. I can't think of one of my needs that doesn't get met. Some might be reading this at this point and saying "What kind of Domme/what kind of do me sub" blah blah. But the truth is I know that all I have to do is focus on her and give her what she wants and what she needs. It is very simple. Thats it. When I do that, she easily gives me what I need, I don't have to worry about it ever. It is an easy circle, that seems to work almost perfectly every time, time after time. I am truly lucky beyond words.

With all that we have done, all the ground covered, I still always feel like there is so much more to do. The play is so intense, the coversation is so easy, the time still feels like half. There has never previously been a point in my life where i thought, "only 3 hours to play? wish it were longer." No mistake, its always my issue. And she always makes the time feel like the time that has been given to me as extra time on my life. Time that I can give. Serve. I can be what it is I was born to be, and give to someone who absorbes me and pushes me into new and exotic and even scary places. What more could a sub want? The answer is easily nothing.

So lucky it makes me laugh to myself. Like if I hit the powerball.

She most easily puts me into my "box" now, she knows me so well. She takes me on a journey each time, to a very similar place, but the road is always different. Sometimes sweetly, sometimes harshly. I am always awed by her power and the fluid way she is able to get into my head and rattle my brain. Its like this incredible song that I am both listening to and part of. And it feels like she is feeding me energy and pulling it out at the same time, quite often the most intense feelings of my life.

So fantastic, and I am truly very incredible lucky.

It all seems so easy but I know its not. We talk about things that are inconsequential, we talk about serious things. We laugh a lot at each others jokes, because they are funny. We listen to each others wusic and wonder who picked it out. We talk about life a lot, and wonder about the whole thing. She destroys me easily, and I am in awe of her. When the time ends, it feels like the it has gone by way to quick, almost like a cruel joke. I could never thank her enough, ever.

So much of BDSM is finding something that works, for both sides. It's hard to force a round peg in a square hole, or more like to put 100 round pegs in 100 square holes. So I feel lucky to be in the position I am in. It feels like all those things fit together easily. Sometimes I shake my head in disbelief, it is hard to believe. I feel like if if I wrote half of the stuff here it would seem like bragging but it wouldn't be, it would be the truth. So everything to me. So ingrained, so existing on the same plane, whatever that might be.

Not sure what to make of it ever except to say like I always do I am the luckiest boy in the world.

Push the door,

I'm home at last

and I'm soakin' through and through

then you handed me a towel

and all I'll see is you.

Even if my house falls down now,

I wouldn't have a clue

because you're near me

I want to thank you, for giving me the best day of my life
and lord, just to be with you, is giving me the best day of my life.

Straight stolen lyrics, but dang, I'm not that good lol.

Another year gone! I think of the previous calender year and the things I remember most are things like the collar being placed around my neck, the playroom in DC, the saran wrap, the begging, the walks, the house, the table, the chauffer service, the land, her birthday, my birthday, the suspension, the back porch, the candles, the camry, the dragon arm binder, the shower, the tango, little red and purple and everything else.

MostlyI will remember how fun it was, every bit. And How lucky I was to be along for the ride. Viva 2012, long live 2013!

It is easy and somewhat cliched to say I open myself up and and try to give her everything. But she knows how to go beyond that, feelings and emotions that I couldn't even write down or explain if I wanted to. She knows how to foster those things, to take them, to make me emote them. It is beyond what could be explained by words. The power exchange is amazing and I feel like I am being led along on some wicked dance, always moving to her rhythm, always being pushed and pulled so expertly. It is at those times that I have never felt so connected to someone in all my life. The experience is always unique and leaves me completely zapped and always wanting so much more. She is incredible beyond words.

I am so thankful for Ms T to be in my life. She means so much to me. Playing, tallking, walking, texting, it always feels right and keeps me straight, keeps me focused. It keeps me fixed. When we play she is able to take all of the things in my head, all the negative aspects of anything and throw it out, blank me like a clean slate.

And I am always super thankful that she allows me to serve her, to always try to make her life better in anyway that I can.

It never seems to matter when we play, whether it is short or long, simple or complex, it is always so awesome, such a mental release and so enjoyable. I credit that to her skill and intuition, her imagination and her intellect. She is top notch at all these things.

It seems like it works the same just spending time with her, be it short or long, it is always a pleasure and it always feels like not just time well spent but time redeemed to me. It is time given back. How could one ask for more than that?

She treats my brain like a sponge. She squeezes everything out of it until there is barely anything left, and the when it soaks back up it soakes up her. Until my brain is full again, but full of her. And its all I can think about at that moment, completely on a leash, completely under even just her little finger. And then she starts squeezing again and i am never sure where it all will end. It always does end resonably similar. Me broken, moaning, gasping, begging and desperate.

And so unbelievable awesome.

I put two pics up, Immobility with wrap, then further held down by tape to the floor, a full tape mask and an almost out of body experience that was better than any drug or alcohol induced high, just another day with my domme. She easily takes me places I have never been, so awesome as always.

When I look at it inwardly, I can say she has made me a better person in so many ways. Not changed me, but made me better. I am more patient, understanding, and I have an inner calm like I have never felt before. In some cases, I feel like superman, she has taught me to focus to such an extreme level and taken my mind to incedible highs and glorious lows. She has made my weaknesses strengths and my strengths better than ever.

Although life still gets in the way sometimes like it always does, I do realize I have nothing to do but be thankful

I have probably said it here before, it is really all I have ever thought about since I was about 12, or since I had sexual feelings. Every fantasy I ever had, any porn I seeked out or watched, all the same, femdom. Since I was 12. A person can create quite the mental images, the fantasies in their mind. And I really did. I actually think I am a pretty creative and kinky person, I thought I had run through it all. But not everything as I have come to find out. And honestly, this is not nearly my first experience, been to several pro dommes, where I could hypothetically get whatever I wanted.

But you can't buy this. Early on I realized I was dealing with someone different, someone unique. Someone who somehow exceeded those things I would always dream of. One time I remember I spontaneously(after concious thought had flown, happens often) asked "How do you know to do that to me? How?" I couldn't believe someone was so far in my head. So deep inside me that she was kicking down all those barriers, all those things pent up in my collective thoughts, dragging them out.

It leaves me speechless. I try to think of superlatives but they do not measure up. So fantastic. Again for the 1001st time, I am the luckiest boy ever.

When we play, it is like she is thinking my thoughts. Which is to say she knows exactly when to push buttons and triggers to send me off the edge, to crumple my brain. And the amazing thing is if it is something we have done 100 times or something we are doing for the first it continues to get better. And I continue to be amazed at how skilled, intuitive and quite unique she is. She is truly one of a kind and add right here the standard how lucky I really am comment, even though I have said it 1000 times.

Another great weekend....another four or five hours to feel alive and real. Real life can be such a bore, a drag. Time with her makes it all disappear, stop, go away. I try to remember every moment, relive them when I can, as precious as they are I know I can never waste a single second. It has sort of become this circle.....she gives me so much that I can't do anything but give back as much as I can---she stays happy with me and I have always felt so appreciated for being me. There is no way I ever would have thought in a million years I would be this lucky.

So my birthday party was yesterday, an awesome day. I recieved several presents, most of which were somewhat painful and exactly what I asked for lol. The real present for me is the fact that she keeps me and allows me to serve her. A present that I recieve every day. I will remember these moments always, they are burned into my physche like nothing ever has before. Thank you ma'am for the gift, I am quite and always grateful.

Looks like this Saturday will be the birthday party. Two person party. Best party ever is my prediction. I am really the luckiest person ever, I swear.

My birthday is approaching, so I have been instructed to make a birthday wish right here. And it needs to be good, so, here it goes.

I want to be teased, hurt, fucked and humiliated until I can barely breath. And can't think. Until I can only babble and drool.

When you hear me screaming and begging please don't stop.

If I beg for something don't give it to me.

If you see me struggling, make it worse.

Push me over the edge you have so many times let me/made me look over.

That would be the best birthday present I could ever have, in my life.

She has trained me to the point that she takes over my brain, my emotions at will. It takes no time, seconds. She has  molded me so expertly i now know instinctively how to please her. And after all that one may conclude things may get dull or boring, but they are still so fresh and exciting. They continue to build thanks to her intellect and skill. Sometimes I am just along for the ride it seems, and I would not care to be anywhere else.

Another fantastic day, my brain is ripped out and spilled all over the floor, I am(in a good way) terrorized thinking about what will happen next, always near the edge.

But the best part is spending the day with someone so happy, so engaging, who laughs so easy and can make me laugh easily too. Someone who is never shy to have an honest, open conversation and who does it easily. Someone who makes me always think how perfect the day was, and how happy and better I am for having been there for it.

A day like that is burned into my memory and will never be faded or forgotten.

And wow, how lucky I feel, words can't express.

I asked her the other day about a riddle. What is it that feeds you when you are hungry but only makes you starving?

She says it is me, I say it is her.

One year has passed. Quite a year for me I must say. It is hard to put into words exactly how I feel. I have written a lot of things here although I don't think they fully convey the way I feel. She knows she doesn't have to give me anything yet she gives me everything, and I can say inside I feel balanced and fufilled because of it. Hours feel like minutes, weeks feel like hours, the last year feels like a few weeks, and I am in full of anticipation for the next.

And I really do feel like the most fortunate person on the planet. Thank you, Ma'am.

Another day spent with my domme, another eight hours that feel like two. Doesn't feel fair, time goes by so fast. Specific events continue after all this time to make my head spin at a cyclic rate. The things I thought were peaks are really ramps. I sit here some time after and my brain is cracked, blended and expertly put back together. Its better than any drug by far, the high is so much higher.

I sometimes look at the whole thing from a distance and the thought is "Is that me? Really?" Barely seems possible. I will never think anything is impossible again.

Sometimes the things you conjured up in your head, the things you have dreamed about your whole life are not realistic nor attainable. These things exist only in your head. I have been a submissive since I can remember having sexual feelings so for all this time I can say I have lived out pretty much every thought, every fantasy in my head. And so there comes a time when you realize that these things are probably more based in fantasy then reality. And I really thought I was there.

Until the last year, and when I am laying there having trouble moving,  feeling like someone put a chemical restraint on me, my mind reeling out of control, barely able to control anything, or not being able to at all. And somewhere in there I realize that my domme is slipping me past all those fantasies, expertly pushing me into uncharted territory. It is liberating, it is frightening, it is freedom, it is danger and it is safety. Most of all it is intense and awesome. Addicting.

I always think, is it going to hurt so bad it feels good, or is it going to feel so good that it hurts.

What happens past your dreams? I don't know that there is a good word for it.

Fortunate is the first thing that comes to mind.

She has made me love things I used to hate, and she gleefully turns me into a frothing animal, a raving lunatic or so it feels to me. If I thought she wanted something from me at that moment, I would give it to her X1000. But she just wants to turn me into a frothing animal and a raving lunatic. Its that simple, that complex, and that awesome.

We were talking earlier about how brain beneficial this is, what it does for her and I. I have a way of putting emotions in a box, and shelving them, holding them in. When she does the things she does to me, everything comes out. All of my fears, failures, anger, ecstasy, happiness, joy, sorrow, and pain gets pulled out without judgement or fear of judgement. I know she enjoys it as well, the mirror reflection of it. I always thank her in any way I can, but I don't feel it is enough. I am truly lucky.

Another weekend of perfection. Every minute is?a gift to me from some divine intervention. Whether that be sitting around chatting, riding in a car,?playing, or anything in between.?So intelligent, so witty, so engaging, so remarkable.

?

And I have been trying to figure out how to verbalize this. She understands my brain and how to dissect it. To me, the intensity of our play feels like i am barely treading water and she is pushing me under and letting me up to breathe when she wants.?Now I understand this is all SSC and not at all like really drowning because that would suck, I am just trying to relay the intensity. And if it was done?with heavy edge play or serious pain that would be one thing, but routinely it is not.

?

She and her abilities are quite amazing on every level I can think of, and I could never imagine someone better.

?

?

My Domme is so good because she understands something better than anyone I have ever met. The brain. She knows what makes people tick. She understands peoples fears, joys and sorrow. She knows all these things and more about me, and she is able to somehow reach into the dark parts of my brain and extract those things and lay them out into the light until they squirm and are exposed. Nothing has ever felt more exhilarating in my life.

I have learned thoroughly, life is not about the destination, it is about the journey. (The destination is you are dead). Enjoy the journey.

She has a real good sense of humor too. Not the "better politely laugh because she is my domme" sense of humor. The kind where she catches me off gaurd and really makes me laugh.

I do whatever I can for her, today I drove for her all day. She wasn't feeling well and she might think I did her a favor, however it is quite the opposite. She did me a favor and spending the day with her is so enjoyable I would gladly do it everyday if I could. Her insight and intelligence really make it fun to just sit and talk to her, and all day? I will take it. Can't wait for the next one.

Play party, intense Saturday night. I really wish I could go back to 3 PM Saturday and do it all again. The time passes so quickly, and then seems to drag until the next time.  Every minute so precious. And I really have learned so much about myself through her, and experienced so much. I will say it for probably the 5^th time here-I am quite the lucky boy.

Every second with her is precious to me, and its like two to one, one minute with her equals two minutes on the clock, at least that what it feels like. She extracts feelings harshly from me, completely exposes everything that has been pent up short term, and long term. She pulls those things out, and when it feels like I am falling, she pushes harder and obliterates all the defenses I put up. At some point I am a quivering, shaking, moaning mess. I feel humiliated, useless, fufilled, and satisfied all at the same time, in a safe place, completely under her control. Three hours later in sub drop land and I am totally amazed how wonderful, insightful, sweet, vicious and incredible this woman really is.

She makes my soul feel like a yo-yo. It goes up and down, sometimes so fast I can't keep up, sometimes so slow I can't stand it and feel like my head is going to explode.  When it is slow, I want it to go fast, when fast I want it to go slow. But I will beg to for it not stop. She is a tremendous Domme and a tremendous person. I am very lucky to be in her presence. 

Its like when light is dark, right is left, hurt is pleasure and pleasure hurts, the entire world turned upside down. When I can't control my physical responses and my mind cannot be reeled in. Out of my control and into hers, completely.  I have said a lot here in these entries I have written, but to be clear, I have never met anybody even remotely like her.

It doesn't seem fair, I spend all evening and night with my Domme, sleep maybe 3 hours, and when I leave it feels like we were together maybe 2 hours.

Wednesday-all day chauffeur. Friday night-mind destroying play. Saturday night-fetish party in Durham. 

I can't even begin to decide which one was best, they were all fantastic and I wish I could start all over and do them all again. 

And the picture I uploaded is what I will hereby refer to as the "hellraiser" wax sheath. My Domme is very devious, indeed.

Another fabulous week with some time spent with my Domme. Every second of it, fantastic.

I think about her look, her scent, her actions and I feel submissive to her. This is just thought. Not to mention what I feel in person.

Spent the majority of the day with my Domme, absolutely fantasic for me.

Its the first of March already, it seems impossible. I have been writng out my thoughts here these last few weeks and my Domme usually reads them on a daily basis. It has really been fun, daily I get to think about what to write, our past experiences and my feelings really on how lucky I have been. Its actually a cool thing to do just to sit daily and reflect on such things, the good things we have in our lives. Maybe it helps me not take them for granted, which I think is very important.

  Today I was thinking about her focus, and intensity. Its the thing I think sets her apart from anyone I have ever played with, and to be frank something that is a little frightening at times, in a good way. Its something I am always trying to keep up with mentally, and don't always do such a good job(but I would guess thats the point, and it does quite rule).

I also find all these things she is so good at when we play are the things she is quite good at in the real world, and it is just an extension. She is quite facinating and I am glad to be her sub.

I am very fortunate. I was kind of drifting along hurting when I met my Domme. I didn't have a whole lot expectations going in, just really wanting to please but not having a ton of hopes about the future, not sure at all. From our first meeting I knew she was different, unique. Still unsure if I could fit in. 

I can truthfully say I feel like I couldn't be in a better spot, how things turned out. I have gotten so much balance, so much motivation, I feel like I am so much better now because of her. Its a great day every day we communicate, and like a birthday present every time we meet. 

I try my best to serve her and make her happy however I can, and always will.

Here is another one. A two plus hour phone conversation talking about life, work and kink, and when it is over, it feels like it was about 30 minutes. And now all day I am wishing it would have lasted longer. She is so easy to talk to and the things she says to me make so much sense, can't wait until the next time.

Here is a great indicator of how well you get along with someone. My domme and I discuss things we want to talk about when we meet. So we are together for five hours and we don't even get to half of it, because of the great, easy conversation we always have. Its really my pleasure spending time with her.

About 24 hours after play it always happens. The sort of depressive feelings, longing, missing, and I wish I could at least just sit at her feet right now. I really would like to see her every day, but thats not possible, and it's really on my end why we don't meet more. But my Domme is accepting of this, and I appreciate it, and am thankful every day to have her.

The other night I was restrained and near mental mush, my Domme crwled next to me, looked at me in the eyes and said "what are you going to do about it?". And at that moment I knew I was looking at the most beautiful, sweet evil that has ever been created.

The intensity is such during play, its feels like I am reduced down to just raw emotions, happiness, sadness, joy, anger/frustration, and obviously deep submissive feelings and ecstasy. It gets to the point where I dont want it to keep going, but as strong of feelings I don't want it to stop. And at some point it feels mentally as though she is just pounding me into the ground.

It's quite on of the best feelings I have ever had.

Well the day is over. To say it was fantastic would be a dramatic understatement. I could really write two pages on everything but suffice to say it is quite the honor to spend time with someone who is so smart, intuitive, and sadistic. The best part? I can't decide which part I like better, playing or just chatting for quite a while afterwords. I will be smiling until our next meeting for sure.

My Domme says she doesn't think I get as nervous or as scared when we are going to play, and I suppose this is true in a way. I still get nervous, and a little scared thinking about whats to come, and as always, nervous that I can please her. Thats really the main anxiety that I have, I really want her to enjoy the experience. And the other part of it, she really has given me the confidence that I can take maybe more pain than I thought I could, and usually suffer enough to make her happy with me.

I love play, like most of us here I am sure. And I think my Domme may be the first person I ever met who likes it more than me. But the cool thing is, I could just hang out and chat and enjoy her company and feel perfectly satified. However, most times end up with me in a much more compromising position, lol.

I was lucky enough to have my Domme accompany me to DC for the V-Day weekend. Plenty of sightseeing, plenty of play, and all of the time together. Heres when you know how good the trip went, it feels like it lasted 5 minutes. It left me wanting so much more it was like a mini depression. I am so lucky, I can't ever tell you.

My Domme is cruel, sweet, and vicious. Not really shown in the 2 most recent pics: the outside air temp is about 33 degrees F, and that is really delightfully painful.

Latest picture: Love being in put into a really dark place.

Sometimes I feel like my Domme is inside me. Not physically, but inside my brain. There is no escape at that point, and I mean that in a good way.

The only way I can fully describe the intensity, its like the polar opposite of the intensity you feel when someone you know dies. Otherwise I can't really explain it.

The best feeling in the world, Seeing my Domme taking a relaxing nap while I pamper her legs and feet. So calm and quiet, so rewarding. Then she spends the next few hours utterly ripping out my masculinity and submissiveness. Absolutely incredible.

I have been in service?to a new(to me) Domme.(Cantilever here). She is so smart, so intuitive, so knowing, it is quite remarkable to me. And I sit here and pinch myself, and wonder if it can all be true. I have my faults and limitations I know, but I try my best to please and do what I can for her. She is a great Domme and a better person. Again, I may be the luckiest person on the planet.

Things are good for me. Sometimes so good I can't believe it. I am a lucky person.