Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number. 

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response 
to "I love you." 

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd 
appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. 

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it. 

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme." 

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of 
your choice. 

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. 

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your 
window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone. 

It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town. 

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance. 

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be 
with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!" 

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in 
leap years. 

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go 
drinking. Mother's Day, too. 

St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be 
celebrated every month. 

Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks. 

Two words: Ally McNaked.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the 
Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history. 

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers. 

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night 
Football from a Different Camera Angle. 

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. 

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year. 

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with 
would actually reduce your fine. As in: 
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" 
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." 
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."

The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. 

Most 17-year old females can function as adults. 
Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. 

MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.  (Except me, of course)

BATHROOM:A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. 
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items. 

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out
to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane. 

SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, 
then slip on Reebok sneakers. She wil carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. 

LEG WARMERS: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line." 

GOING OUT: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready 
to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be
ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on her makeup..

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats with all their might, then giggle their heads off!!! 

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She
knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best 
friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man
is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. 

LOW BLOWS: Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on
TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain. 

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, 
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings & funerals, period.  And only if a woman makes him do so.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style." 

THE WEDDING: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party". 

NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Fat-Ass and Useless.

EATING OUT: ... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators. 

MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Teddy Savalas' head.

THE TELEPHONE: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

DIRECTIONS: If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar
surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men
consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for 
directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store." 

ADMITTING MISTAKES: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer. 

TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys.  As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical.  Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones.  Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate. 

PLANTS: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. 
The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to
an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens. 

TIME:When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game's just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

CONVERSATION: Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie.", "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size.","Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys", etc. 

Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on. 

FRIENDS: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time. Men on a boys' night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos", "Got any more beer?", or "Look at that chick!!"

RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use
restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to
each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Bob, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"

Jack Or Jill

A middle manager is called into his bosses office on a Monday morning.
He is told he has to get rid of one employee in his department by the
next Monday. "Downsizing."

He's really upset. Everyone in his department does a good job and it
doesn't seem fair. So for the next 2 days he racks his brain trying to
figure out who to fire. On Tuesday afternoon he sees Jack and Jill
standing at the water cooler. He says to himself, "Okay it's going to be
one of them."

He spends the next few days scrutinizing what each of them does.
Everything is equal. Productivity. Time off. Reports. Everything. He's
in a quandary. It's Friday afternoon and he knows his going to have to
think about this all weekend. Everyone has left the office except Jack and
Jill, who are getting ready to leave. She comes over to say goodbye.

"Have a good weekend boss. Hey you don't look so good. Is everything
okay?"
He looks at her and says "To be honest, I'm having a tough time here. I
can't decide if I should lay you or Jack off."

And she looks at him and says "Well I have to catch a bus, so i suggest
you jack off.

haaaaaaa shadda

How Old Are You

One Friday night, a policeman saw a car parked up at "makeout point." Shining his flashlight in the window, he saw a young
man fidgeting in the front seat glancing at his watch and a young woman sitting in the back seat and reading a magazine.

"Excuse me, son" said the cop, "but how old are the two of you?"

"I'm eighteen, sir, and" (checking his watch another time) "in ten more minutes, she'll be eighteen too!"

Taming The Wife

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had told their new wives what their household duties were to be.

The first man had married a woman from Tennessee. He bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Long Island. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, find a cleaning lady, and telephone a landscaper.


lafsssssssssssss... shadda

GOOD GIRLS VS. BAD GIRLS

Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls pack their toothbrush. Bad girls pack their diaphragms.

Good girls prefer the missionary position. Bad girls do too, but only for starters.

Good girls say, "No." Bad girls say, "When?"

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed...

  winks ;)    shadda

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and told her, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:

1) Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.

2) At lunch, make him a warm nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.

3) For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores.

4) Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said to her. She replied, "You're going to die."

If Women Ran the World

A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.

You Go Girl Stories

Different Asses

Need to describe your ass or someone else's over the Internet but want it to be visual? Well, how about some "assicons"? Here goes:

Womens Asses

What guys really mean

When you catch a guy glancing at you, he’s actually wondering what you look like naked.

When a guy bumps into your arm while walking with you, it means your too damn close so back up 3 steps.

When a guy wants a hug he’ll go to the nudy bar and buy a lap dance.

When u break a guys heart he won’t even remember your name 3 days later.

When a guy is quiet, he’s probably masturbating.

When a guy is not arguing, it means there are no women around.

When a guy looks at you with eyes full of questions, he’s wondering what the hell are you blabbering about now.

When a guy answers, “I’m fine,” after a few seconds, he’s fine.

When a guy stares at you, he’s wondering if he slept with you before.

When a guy lays his head on your chest, well… that’s self explanatory.

When a guy says, “I miss you,” it means the scope on his rifle wasn’t set properly.

When a guy says he can’t live without you, he’s really horny and knows that’s what you want to hear. 

When a guy is mean to you after a break-up, it’s because you don’t know when to let go and move on - so quit being such a clingy bitch.

New Bride

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin & I'm not! Is there anything you can do to help me?"

The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.

Things begin to progress - her hubby "slips it in" and just then she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks, "What the heck was that?"

The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping."

The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"

There was a boy and a girl having a bath in a bathtub, The girl looks down and says "Can i touch it" the boy replies"NO WAY, you already broke yours off!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The other morning I took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the hell?" I said to myself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when I shook them out. "April," I hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."
~~~~~~~~~~

Judi decided she wanted to become a nurse. Her first day at the hospital she was given several patients to bathe and
change their beds. Her instructor arrived in the room just in time to hear the male patient give a howl of pain. The teacher took Judi to one side and said. "When we make the beds, we gently turn the patient to one side and push the
sheets up against his back. We then roll him over on the other side and pull the sheets firm. "We do NOT pick him up by his penis and shove the sheets under him."

Help I'm stuck

A man is driving along the motorway with his wife in the passenger seat. During the drive, the wife gets an idea. She starts taking off her clothing piece by piece and tossing them out the window.

The guy is shocked but aroused. She gets her shoes, socks, etc. and chucks them out. Finally, she whips her underwear off and throws it all out onto the motorway. The guy is laughing and leering at her. He looses control of the car in the process and crashes into a barrier at the side.

Unfortunately, the air-bag doesn't go off on his side, and he finds himself wedged in under the steering wheel. "Help, go get help......aggghhhh, I'm stuck", he shouts.

"But I have no clothes on. What'll I do ?", she screams.

"Here", he says wiggling his foot, "Take my shoe and put it over your crotch. It'll have to do, love. Quick, hurry!"

She takes the shoe off his foot and places it over her crotch and gets out of the car, limping and shouting for help. After a few hundred yards of yelling and running a trucker notices this naked hysterical woman holding a shoe over her crotch, and pulls over.

"What's seems to be the trouble?", he asks.

"Help me", she screams, "My husband is stuck".

"If he's stuck up that far I'm afraid I can't help you."

Vaseline (2)

There were two gay guy living together. One was more feminine and the other more masculine.

The masculine one lacked chest hair and it seemed to become a real problem for him. So, one day he decided to visit the doctor to see why he had no chest hair and if there was something he could do about.

Well, the doctor said there was nothing wrong with the guy, and really the only thing he could try to stimulate hair growth was to smother Vaseline all over his chest daily and perhaps the skin would become stimulated enough to produce hair.

The masculine homosexual was elated. He went immediately home and smothered his chest in Vaselinel.

When his partner came home and jumped into bed with him, he felt the Vaseline and asked, "What in the hell are you doing?"

The masculine one explained what the doctor said and waited for comment from his partner. Finally, his partner said,

"Don't you think if that was true that you would have a "pony tail" coming out of your ass by now?"

Ode to a penis

I'll tell you a short poem;
I'll try to make it quick.
You might think it quite harmless;
You might well find it sick.
The subject is quite simple:
The joy of having a dick.

Penises are super things;
You ladies should be jealous.
Ever since the early days,
When it was small and hairless;
I've looked upon that bit of flesh,
As something very precious.

It starts to grow dramatically,
When you're about thirteen.
Your testicles on either side;
Your willy in between.
When erect it's quite a sight;
A purple love machine.

It dangles neatly down below;
Obedient and loyal.
Its seeds are hidden well within;
Awaiting some fresh soil.
At the slightest hint of lust,
It's ready to uncoil.

It has a mind all of its own;
It's like a wild beast.
It squirms and writhes and stretches out;
When you expect it least.
You can't control its energy;
You must wait 'til it's ceased.

Handle it with love and care;
For it can give great pleasure.
Has it grown since last weekend?
And when did you last measure?
Still, no matter what its length;
It's something you should treasure.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves;
Erecting when it shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets it off;
Just when you wish it wouldn't.
Did that lady notice it?
You blush and hope she couldn't.

Some people fret about its size;
They give it lots of thought.
Is seven inches long enough?
It makes blokes quite distraught.
They peek across in public loos,
And try not to get caught.

Masturbating is a sin;
That's what some folk believe.
But those are just old wives' tales;
Outdated and naive.
And if you're feeling tense or stressed,
A quick wank does relieve.

Without this fabulous device,
No shag would be complete.
Lesbians will try their best;
But must admit defeat.
And what a handy tool it is,
When one needs to excrete.

The penis is quite marvelous;
It has so many uses.
For women it is special too;
Excitement it induces.
And babies can be procreated,
From its sperm-filled juices.

And always it remains with you;
Until you're old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though,
Or you'll be thrown in jail.
Just look at it and feel proud;
And thank the lord you're male.

Well, shit.....

Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language. You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose. When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!

Terms for Female Masturbation

5 Digit Disco
Buzzing the honey hole
Backslappin' Betty
Bailing out the Gravy
Boat Beaver bashin'
Bouncing the bearded clam
Buffing the box
Buffing the jewel
Buttering up the whisker biscuit
Clam twiddlin' jamboree
Critter crammin'
Damming the beaver
Dialing "O" on the little pink telephone
Diddling miss daisy
Diggin' for clams
Digitis Erectus
Fingering the fountain
Flicking the minnow
Friday night lip service
Frosting the muffin of love
Giving yourself the finger
Going for the gooey duct
Impeaching Bush
Juicing the clam
Let your fingers do the walking
Lip smacking
Menage a'moi
Petting the kitty
Piddly Diddler
Playing the squeezebox
Pokin' the pie
Polishing the little pink pearl
Pumping the kooter
Punchin' the chipmunk
Reading in Braille
Riding the clitoris-sauras
Romancing thy own
Roughing up the suspect
Self-guided tuna boat tour
Smacking Jerry Garcia on the nose
Spanking Lucy
Stroking the newt
Ticklin' the taco
Tissue tickling
Twirling the pearl
Unbuttoning the fur coat
Warming the wrist rocket

Euphemisms for Male Masturbation

Fondle your flagpole
Free Willy
Frost the pastries
Frosting your maple bar
Frying up the corndog
Gallop the old lizard
Gardening with the golden trowel
Genital stimulation via phallengetic motion
Get a date with Slick Mittens
Get the German soldier marching
Get to know yourself
Get your pole varnished
Give it a tug
Give your low five
Giving the half-blind dog a run for his money
Go a couple of rounds with ol' Josh
Go blind
Go on a date with Fisty Palmer
Go on a date with Handrea and Palmela
Go the blow
Going Hans Solo on Darth Vader's head
Goose the gherkin
Grease the pipe
Greasing the three-legged cow
Hand job
Hard labor
Have one off the wrist
Helping put Mr. Kleenex's kids through college
Hitchhike to heaven
Hitchhike underneath the big top
Hitting too close to home
Hoisting your own petard
Hold the bishop
Hold the sausage hostage
Holding your own
Hone the cone
Honk your horn
Hosing down the driveway
Hotfooting it to the nearest exit
Hug the hog
Hump your hose
Investing in pork bellies
Invoking the Oscar Meyer love spell
Jack hammer
Jazz yourself
Jerk Jamby
Jerk the gherkin
Left to your own devices
Letting the cat out of the bag
Liquidating the inventory

Aw Shit...

Ghost Shit
That's the kind where you feel the shit come out, have shit on the toilet paper, but there is no shit in the toilet.

Clean Shit
The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Second Wave Shit
It happens when you're done shitting, you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realise that you have to shit some more.

Brain Hemorrage Shit
Also known as "Pop a vein in your forehead " shit. the kind where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke.

Sweetcorn shit
Self Explanatory

Log shit
The kind of shit that is so huge that you're afraid to flush the toilet without breaking it into a few pieces with your toilet brush

Drinkers shit
That is the kind of shit that you have the morning after a long night of drinking - its most noticeable trait is the skid marks left on the bottom of the toilet .

"Gee I wish I could shit" shit
Its the kind of shit where you want to shit, but all you do is sit on the toilet with cramps and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Shit
That's the one where it hurts so much coming out that you swear it was leaving you sideways.

Wet Cheeks Shit Also known as "The Power dump"
That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

Liquid Shit
The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, spashes all over the inside of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

Mexican Food Shit
A class all its own

The Crowd Pleaser
This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone.

Mood Enhancer
This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, allowing you to be your old self again.

The Ritual
This shit occurs at the same time time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper

Guiness Book of Records Shit
A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations

The aftershock shit
This shit has an odor so powerful that anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is effected.

The Honeymoons over shit
This is any shit created in the presence of another person.

Groaner
Ashit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance

Floater
Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushes

Ranger
A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper

Phantom Shit
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit putting it there

Peek-a-boo-shit
Now you see it, now you don't. this shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control

The bombshell
A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (i.e. during love making or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.

Snake Charmer
A long skinny shit which has managed to coil into a frightening position - usually harmless Olympic Shit This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinkers shit.

The Word Fuck

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.

In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories.

• It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John).
• It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).
• It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). 
• It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid).

As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck".  Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations...

Greetings   "How the fuck are ya?"

Fraud       "I got fucked by the car dealer."

Resignation "Oh, fuck it!"

Trouble     "I guess I'm fucked now."

Aggression  "FUCK YOU!"

Disgust     "Fuck me."

Confusion   "What the fuck.......?"

Difficulty  "I don't understand this fucking business!"

Despair     "Fucked again..."

Pleasure    "I fucking couldn't be happier."

Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?"

Lost        "Where the fuck are we."

Disbelief   "UNFUCKING BELIEVABLE!"

Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!"

Denial      "I didn't fucking do it."

Perplexity  "I know fuck all about it."

Apathy      "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"

Greetings   "How the fuck are ya?"

Suspicion   "Who the fuck are you?"

Panic       "Let's get the fuck out of here."

Directions  "Fuck off."

Disbelief   "How the fuck did you do that?"

It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking a_s_hole."

It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty."

It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"

It can be maternal- "Mother fucker."

It can be political- "Fuck Dan Quayle!"

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history...

"What the fuck was that?"
- Mayor of Hiroshima

"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?"
- Captain of the Titanic

"That's not a real fucking gun."
- John Lennon

"Who's gonna fucking find out?"
- Richard Nixon

"Heads are going to fucking roll."
- Anne Boleyn

"Let the fucking woman drive."
- Commander of Space Shuttle

"What fucking map?"
- "Challenger," Mark Thatcher

"Any fucking idiot could understand that."
- Albert Einstein

"It does so fucking look like her!"
- Picasso

"How the fuck did you work that out?"
- Pythagoras

"You want what on the fucking ceiling?"
- Michaelangelo

"Fuck a duck."
- Walt Disney

"Why?- Because its fucking there!"
- Edmund Hilary

"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?"
- Joan of Arc

"Scattered fucking showers my ass."
- Noah

"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head."
- John F. Kennedy


;) shadda

25 things you'll Learn by the time your 50

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe “Daylight Saving Time.”

3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.

4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government are entertainment.

5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

6. A penny saved is worthless.

7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.

8. The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.

9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.

11. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, “THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT,” and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, “SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT.” Then the next time, it spits out, “FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT.” And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.

14. Nobody is normal.

15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that:

- The universe is even bigger than they thought!
- There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
- Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.

16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be: “meetings.”

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:

- If the advertisement says “This is not your father’s Oldsmobile,” the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobile’s, appeals primarily to your father.

- If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.

- If an advertisement shows a group of cool, attractive youngsters getting excited and high-fiving each other because the refrigerator contains Sunny Delight, the advertiser knows that any real youngster who reacted in this way to this beverage would be considered by his peers to be the world’s biggest dip.

- And so on those rare occasions when advertising dares to poke fun at the product - as in the classic Volkswagen Beetle campaign - it’s because the advertiser actually thinks the product is pretty good. If a politician ever ran for president under a slogan such as “Harlan Frubert: Basically, He Wants Attention,” I would quit my job to work for his campaign.

19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on  cable Tv with a bad hairstyle.

20. You should not confuse your career with your life.

21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

24. Your friends love you anyway.

25. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

Okay i Love little johnny jokes so i thought i would share afew with you A/all... ;)

                 Mounted Police

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when Little Johnny, on his new shiny bike, stopped beside him.

“Nice bike,” the cop said, “did Santa bring it to you?”

“Yep,” Little Johnny said, “he sure did!”

The cop looked at the bike and, while handing the boy a $20 ticket, he said “Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.”

To which Little Johnny replied, “nice horse you got their sir, did Santa bring it to you?” “Yea, He sure did,” said the cop.

Looking up at the cop, with the most serious little boy tone, Johnny retorted, “Next year tell Santa to put the weiner underneath the horse instead of on top of it!” and peddled off down the road.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stick it out Johnny

One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was, and he had his hand down his pants.

The Teacher asked, “Johnny, what are you doing?”

Then, Johnny said, “It hurts down there.”

“Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home”, said the teacher.

A little while later, Johnny came back to classroom and sat back down.

Then the teacher came to the back of the room again, and he had his dick haging out of his pants.

The teacher said, “Johnny, what’s that doing hanging out of your pants?!”

Then Johnny said, “My mommy said if I can stick it out until noon, she’ll come and pick me up.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You Can't Have One

One day, when Little Johnny came home from school, his mom bought him a new basketball. He went over to the new neighbors house and a little girl came out. Little Johnny said, my mommy bought me a new basketball, and you can’t have one!”

The next day the little girl had a new basketball. Then, Little Johnny’s mommy bought him a new bike. Little Johnnypromptly took it over to the little girls house, and when the little girl came out he boasted “Ha Ha mommy bought me a new bike and you can’t have one”.

The next day the little girl had a new bike. Frustrated, Little Johnny took the little girl out back, pulled down his pants and said ” I got one of these and mommy said that you cant have one!” In defiance, the little girl pulled up her skirt and said “mommy said as long as I have one of these I can have all those I want!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I hope you will enjoy these jokes Master274

have a great day
     shadda

What I've Learned


I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night." Age 6

I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Age 7

I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9

I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up. Age 13

I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 14

I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15

I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24

I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. Age 26

I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29

I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 39

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. Age 41

I've learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending them a little card. Age 44

I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his need to cast blame on others. Age 46

I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 47

I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. Age 48

I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49

I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 52

I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills. Age 52

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53

I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a secondchance. Age 62

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. Age 64

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65

I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66

I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen several. Age 73

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Age 82

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 85

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92

I've learned that you should pass this on to someone you care about. Sometimes they just need a little something to make them smile

He was eventually freed after two-and-a-half eye-watering hours...

“God knows what he was up to - but he won’t be trying it again in a hurry.”   lol true storie~

 The Grand Illusion
It can take you higher in life than you ever dreamed .
Then in the same instant it can drop you to rock bottom of your life .
So low you think you will never  recover from what has happened to you.
Then when you least expect it, it starts you on that ride back to the top of your desires like you have never experienced  before.
You never know or realize when or where or how this ride is going to take you.
The fears of your wants needs & desires have a controll over you like you have never knowen before.
All of your wants needs desires are filled 1 moment & gone the next.
Your mind body and soul are on a roller coaster ride of your life
                                   The Grand Illusion
                                     
Love or Lust
this is by my friend NGNG ty for shareing this with me :)