3/4/2018 12:26:03 PM: To all my friends who know my family situation and tell me I need to spend more time with my sister, I appreciate the concern but this last weekend was a perfect example of why I shouldn't. My niece was going to be involved in a major competition and my sister had invited me to spend the weekend and attend it with them. So I made the drive of a couple of hours, stayed at their house, and attended it with them. I had to endure days of being reminded that I haven't done anything with my life, that I'm not married with a family and never will unless I change my life, and on and on. Pretty much that I'm doing everything wrong.I was also around people who were incredibly competitive and in incredible shape. I saw vendors selling expensive power bars and protein drinks and here the best thing I could do would be to eat fruit instead of donuts. I was also reminded that while being a few inches taller than me, my sister still weighs less than me.And to top it all off, I had to sneak off to smoke and was barely able to drink. And when I did I'd get nice little comments about it. So my big accomplishment for the weekend was once again being the bad example aunt.

8/28/2017 3:28:46 PM: Hello everyone. To the friends I've made and all those who have done their best to help me, I just wanted to thank you all and give you an update. This is the first time I've been on since my birthday last month. Those of you who know me know I probably drink a bit more wine than I probably should. Yes, I probably would qualify as an alcoholic. My birthday was on a Friday last month and when I got home from work I started drinking and didn't stop. My sister and her family came by to surprise me and when they couldn't wake me up, they wound up taking me to the hospital. Yes, I'm fine. But in all the crap I wound up going through, it made me realize that a huge source of my frustration and ultimately my drinking was because I was trying to figure out the whole lifestyle thing and where I fit in when I never did and I was just frustrating myself. So in short I was making myself more nuts than I already was my entire life. While I still wouldn't mind talking to some of the friends I've made here, I don't know how often I'll be stopping by to check messages because of the whole frustrating, nuts and not fitting in thing. For those who really want to keep in touch with me, please try me at fetlife. I don't find that as frustrating because there are far less messages and at less people trying to get laid.

3/15/2017 12:45:43 PM: This is an update on March 15th. I want to apologize to the people I've come to consider friends. I'm sorry that I'm really don't get on here very much anymore. It seemed that no matter how I tried wording my profile, every time I got on I still had tons of messages from guys who were just looking for sex, a woman they could order around because 'they were the master and slaves have to obey', and all the guys who promised they could explain and show me what d/s was supposed to be but of course I would have to visit them because they couldn't explain to me in messages. Because of my experiences here and in real life, while I'm sure this lifestyle will always interest me and have an appeal, I doubt I'll ever truly learn or understand it. While I would still like to talk to some people about it, it seems that for every one person who seemed to want to help and answer questions, I had to wade through 1000 messages from guys just looking to get laid. So while I appreciate the few who I made friends with, the aggravation of all the junk was just too much. I will probably still try to get on here occasionally, but on the whole I doubt I'm really looking to do this or have any sort of relationship. I'm pretty much just here to correspond with a few friends.

7/9/2016 4:39:12 AM: I've mentioned comparing this whole thing to going to a personal trainer. Other people have mentioned things like a coach, teacher, sensei, sergeant, etc.I guess the way I see it, a personal trainer can tell me everything I need to do as far as eating right and exercising, but he can't actually make me do anything. I've never been to a personal trainer so I'm guessing it's like I'd go once a week and they do a weigh in, ask what I've eaten in the past week and we go over what I should be eating and then they try to get me to exercise.But they can't really make me do any of that. Even when I'm there they can't force me to exercise. And especially when I'm not there, I could leave them and go straight for the junk food. I can spend the entire week sitting on the couch and not do any exercising. So the way I see it, a personal trainer can't do anything other than, after a few months of seeing I'm not losing a pound, they can tell me not to come back. Some might because they only want to help people who are putting in a real effort, some wouldn't because they still get paid no matter what. The other end of that extreme is if the personal trainer locks me in a cell, only feeds me healthy food and forces me to exercise, punishing me if I don't. Under that, I'd probably wind up losing weight. It would be illegal to hold someone against their will, but that person would lose weight.Using just those two examples, if I compare that to what I know of the whole master/slave lifestyle, on the one end you have the masters I've met and spoken to who can tell me all the things I should do, and I don't really have to do them. Many people have even said that a master has no power other than the power that I give them. So if I don't want to cook, clean and have sex with them, they really can't do anything about it. Yes, they can punish me but I have to willingly submit to it and go along with it. I can walk away any time I want.The other end of that is the idea that the person has either really abducted me or I at least allowed myself to be placed in captivity and have no chance to escape. Under that, yes, they could pretty much do whatever they wanted to me and at some point I'd probably wind up doing what they said to avoid getting the crap beaten out of me.But for both the personal trainer and the master, the part I'm missing is what's in between. I'm missing what the personal trainer would do to motivate me to eat right and exercise when I didn't want to. What is it he would have said that would stop me from eating a bunch of doughnuts for breakfast and ice cream for dinner? How would he get me to get my ass off the couch in the middle of the week and exercise when he isn't there to tell me to do it? I feel like if I could do that on my own, I wouldn't have needed him in the first place.So what am I missing in the master? What is the in between? How does he motivate me to obey and behave if it wasn't something I wanted to do anyway. I don't like cooking, cleaning and having sex, and I'm pretty stubborn and don't like doing what I'm told in the first place. If I'm not afraid of a punishment because I could just say no, and I'm not afraid of the relationship ending, is there a way for someone to motivate me?I hope I'm making myself clear. To me it really does look like it's the two extremes with nothing between. He can order me to act like a slut and do everything sexual to him, and while there a plenty of women who would love to do those things and would do them willingly, I wouldn't. He can threaten to punish me and I can say no. Since I refused he can then tell me to get out and I would because I wouldn't be afraid of being on my own. The other end of that extreme is I could have visited someone and allowed myself to be restrained in a way I know I won't be able to escape from and he could then rape and beat all he wanted. But holding someone captive isn't realistic. So again, what is it a master does that can motivate someone? What is that in-between that I'm missing?

6/27/2016 5:39:10 PM: I need to redo my profile but I'm trying to figure out how to say everything. For now, if you're looking for a sub or slave who is ready to serve you without question, that isn't me. I'm still new to this and trying to learn.