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Well it's been awhile since I wrote on here.I've tried going vanilla with no success but today I woke up in a cold sweat and a feeling deep inside that I miss that M/s relationship .I just don't know if I can do it any more its been so long I just know I'm not getting any younger and I'm so tired of being alone my world's totally chaotic doing this alone with out Him |
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Been wondering where my life is now and where it needs to go.tired of going backward . |
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Wondering where all the real dominant are seems like there more wannabes coming out the Dominates seem more submissive than us subs |
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Belong
where do I belong I don’t belong here I don’t belong there im a outsider everywhere looking in all I want is to be needed wanted to fit in but I don’t not because of me but what I have become from abuse and neglect many years of letting people use abuse and have their way but I guess it will never go away and I will never be the one that is happy with someone any one should ii hide in a cave far away or just end it all cause im a bother something to be ashamed of a mistake someone who is not worth any ones time I want to scream look at me I'm just like you and you just with a few scars a few battle wounds im more guarded im more careful of being hurt but I feel the same I love the same I submit the same I guess my past makes me ugly makes me worthless so I crawl back in my shell trying to end that part deep inside that everyone is scared of or thinks is ugly I wish I didn’t have a past I wish I was like the next girl or guy but no I am a freak a loser I'm scared to get close scared to care what do I do what do I say losing weight is not going to fix my issue my spirit that was broken at a young age my heart that was used and thrown away my trust that was beat out of me but I try I give trust even when it scares me even when I know I could get hurt I don’t care about me but I never want to be the one to hurt someone so I just hide pull myself inside my shell don’t let anyone get close don’t put myself out there for someone to see to notice the holes in me the scars that can't be seen I sit here and cry inside will I ever be good enough will I ever be pretty enough will I ever be whole I wish it had been me that had died those many years ago why is it I am the one who suffers and I was a little girl I loved you I trusted you you hurt me and no one seen no one cared I was replaceable I was unworthy maybe one day will be the end of my suffering from my hurt inside I give up world I will walk away from what I am what I want to be and return to the empty shell that hides away that is not seen or heard just the invisible girl like the pink elephant in the room |
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should having ptsd from abuse as a child keep some one from being a good sub/slave ? if so how would she curb the feeling of being slave like and feel normal when she doesnt fit it to the vanilla world? |
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is it just a fantasy that there is a true Master who takes what they want and not go all submissive when they have a sub/slave at there feet. a lot of wanna be Dominants lately most just wanting sex so guess i move on and leave this lifestyle go vanilla and remember the past and never forget my submission |
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"Slavery to the woman is more than a sexual matter, though sexuality is intimately and profoundly
involved in it, essentially, crucially and ultimately. It is an entire mode of being, an entire way of life,
one intimately associated with love and service."
Vagabonds of Gor - Page 53
"'You responded well to the taking,' I said. 'Perhaps it is fitting for you.'
'You do not respect me,' she said.
'You do not want to be respected,' I said. 'You want to be cherished, treasured,
handled, abused, mastered, owned, subdued, forced to serve and love.'
She was silent."
-Renegades of Gor
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is there a inbetween from bdsm and gorean so you can have both worlds . is it all black and white or are there gray areas ? any one wanna help with this question? |
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ok am i really the weird one that i love force rough a strict owner . if i wanted a weak male i would go vanilla . i want a man who knows what he is and isnt afraid to accept a challenge from His girl where she ends up at his will by force if need be showing her he is absolote in control not her . so if i call you brat or am bratty i am looking for the beast in the Dom to take me and useme hard roug to make me His completely. |
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why is it after a few messages on here at least 50% of the Doms want to own you before getting to know you .how does a girl know when that Dom is the one after a few messages makes you really wanna run away from the site fast |
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its been a year sincemy surgery and i have been self councious over ow i look but today is the first day i truly looked in the mirror and seen the new me after losing 100 lbs and honstly i cried i do not like it i have a huge ugly scar im sagging and all from the weigt loss and the scar is so ugly just dont like itor me for that matter guess is why im single |
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“Fear can be a potent aphrodisiac.” ......“Right on the edge of fear was where trust could grow.” |
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why do i really think a Dom would want a old washed up sub. when there are so many new young subs .and if i had luck its bad luck so im ready to just give up and hang my sub side up let the young ones Have there fun i guess |
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its been awhile since i wrote on here . i am now definatly ready to find some one close that can bring back my submissiveness. seems the fakes and life has made me lose that feeling a sub has and cant wait to get mine back |
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GOING BACK T O MY COUNTRY ROOTS TIME TO GO BACK TO WHERE MY SUBMISSIVE SIDE STARTED AND FIND THE mASTER WHO WANTS THE SAME |
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finallyyyyy 43 years and i figured out how to love myself how to be happy with myself and how to be me in my own skin thank you for all the support i have gotten on here and just know im back aas a better person a better sub and life is awesome |
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ok watched a lifetime movie and was based around the Dom / sub relashionship and t reminded me i8m not a bbg im a sub and also reminded me i need to get back in to my sub self |
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OK have done my psych eval and Monday is my nutritionist eval and Friday is my cardiac eval so on my way to a new me |
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crying inside no one sees or hears
i sit here in pain and despair but to others im just me
has any one ever thought is this really how i am
or how i was made to be like this or feel like this
i cover the scars some harder than others
i take the blade and run it along each scar on the outside
i open each scar in the inside at each word each time i hat myself
will they ever mend or heal or will they seap hatred of myself
im toxic to myself im deadly one minute at a time
the blood shows me that im killing the part of me you hate
each time i starve myself each time i refuse my self rest im dying inside
you think i can be saved you think you never hurt me but each lie you told
each girl you hide each i love you brought self hatred because i could not trust
every one after you will live with your lies your deception
when i go in the pool of blood it will have your name dripped one drop at a time in it.
will i ever be me will i ever trust ,love, be happy ,
not wish for the hell i live in to be over to be done
i lay down each night my knife , my pills thinking of what a fool i am
why did i ever trust you why did i ever love you
why did i ever give you the gift of submission
can any one ever break those walls
can any ever make me want to fully give that again
or am i bound to lay in the pool of crimson life th hand full of pills
the knife deep in my veins thinking how it should have been you |
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ok the lies dont stop so i m through why cant people be honest even after almost 10 yrs i feel sorry for any other girl he hurts and he hides he is married and all so good luck all |
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ok here we go talked to a so called Dom for almost 10 yrs we have had ups and downs but now i tired of his lies his begging for chances i just want to move on aned he just wont let go he goes after every girl i know and then lies to me so lost confused hurt soubting myself if i will ever trust another man |
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ok starting a new adventure going to talk to a surgen tuesday about having gastric by pass surgery so i can be the best i can be |
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ok put my big girl panties on wait i wasnt wearing panties lol ok so i put my big girl shorts on and went for my surgery and was not as bad as i was thinking so now home recuperating still in pain but hopefully after it heals never again |
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cant sleep! havin surgery on my mouth from a old injury and nothing scares me more than a dentist so got alot on my mind like how to miss the appointment or to talk the others in my life i dont need it so i can not go |
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on my knees is where i was born to be.looking up at you in awe to know some one or something brought you to where this one was all alone and lost on my knees with no meaning no purpose, then you tell me what my purpose is and it all clicks . my purpose is to be at your feet and to make sure you are happy and pleased no matter what my life was created to be your muse . to be the one who you can mold and make in to what you want and need. when im bad your there to show me what i did wrong and what i can do to be the best i can for you. when im good you are there to tell me how good this one is trained and how i am living my lifes purpose to make you the Master and for me to be your sub .whip , flogger , cuddle , kiss it is my choice in what i get by my actions. as i give you total control of me to make me the best i can be to make me the one others see and envy you for they know you have a true and natural submissive . |
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WHY IS THIS HOW I ALWAYS FEEL
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OwpvkKR-sss
So this is itI say goodbyeTo this chapter of my everchanging lifeThese mistakesThe path is longAnd I'm sure ill answer for them when I'm gone
When the day comes inAnd the sun wont touch my faceTell the ones who cared enoughThat I finally left this place
Its been so coldLook at my faceAll the stories it will tell I cant eraseThe road is longJust one more songLittle something to remind you when I'm goneWhen I'm gone
The road to hellAlong the wayIs paved with good intentions so they sayAnd some believe
That no good deedThat go unpunished in the end or so it seems
When the day comes inAnd the sun wont touch my faceTell the ones who cared enoughThat I finally left this place
Its been so coldLook at my faceAll the stories it will tell I cant eraseThe road is longJust one more songA little something to remind you when I'm goneWhen I'm gone
So this is itI say goodbyeTo this chapter of my everchanging lifeThese mistakesThe path was longAnd I'm sure ill answerfor them when I'm goneWhen I'm gone
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it has been a few weeks it seems since i wrote . well the stress is tolerable and the hunt for the one to complete me seems to be a joke to most so im going to just let things happen and if its meant to be it will happen if not some one will miss the opportunity that i could offer them or that we could offer each other so i hope all are having a good week and kinky days |
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going to look at new toys on here since my toy box got lost in the move now to save the money:( 210.00 for a some what ok toy box i need to go on sugar daddy ,com i guess lol |
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hello all hope every one is doing good went to the dr they think the figured out part of my problem but wont give me meds to fix it go figure just wanted to leave a though thats been in my head i may be down depressed ill at times alone frustrated homeless but there is always some one worse so smile and say one good thing to some one make there day |
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ok its tuesday the 22 i hope you all had a kinky weekend.to all the sweet Doms who have been real ty.to all the jerks i hope you have a good day . still searching its been hard with me being ill and some not understanding .if i surevive teen boys i might be a Domme lol joking i am total sub . love you all |
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Good night to everyone hope everyone day was good or better than some always Rember say what you mean and mean what you say words once out can't be changed this may be my last night on here since I was reminded how disgusting and what a loser I am so love you all |
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why is it people have to be rude if you dont like a profile or a picture be a adult and just move on dont make nasty or rude comments we are all supose to be adults here and people wonder why the subs block the Doms its because of the few idiots on here |
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well hope all is well today still cant believe the idiots and fakes but have talked to some good guys and to the guy who wants to swnd me money to use him on cam fyi im a sub not a switch so save your money love you all |
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please do not ask me on the first hello or the first talk to be yours because at that point neither knows the other and would be stupid to jump at any one with out some trust or knowledge if this bothers any one im sorry im looking for real not fake cyber Masters or Daddys get to know me and let me get to trust you |
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good morning cm i hope the day is awesome for you today is going to be awesome or at least tolerable have had a few good offers but not sure which is real and which are head games so in time will weed out those much love to you all |
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as of today i am going t0o be the sub i was born to be and work on my depression and hope some day i find the Dom for me i need to say im sorry for everyone having to hear my ranting |
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Well guess the day could have been worse thanks to the ones who talked to me |
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ok today i feel like i have lost me completely i feel there is no way out of the hole im in i so want to be me again be happy ever since we went our separate ways i have been falling in this hole not even sure im a sub any more maybe just a doormat is there not any one with a rope a ladder to help me out of this hole im ready to give up you say your trying to help then ask if i will be ok with something that is a hard limit for me and to hurt a innocent child yes your now blocked and i feel even more worthless thanks |
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starting to think im wasting my time thinking any one out there would want to meet me more less be my daddy,guess i should have known since my rl family doesnt want me |
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Going to be a long day. But after the storm is a rainbow or so I hear |
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OK im going to start doing a journal on my journey to find my daddy and on my feelings after 20 yrs being out for 3 is like a death sentence,some see me as vulnerable but i know who are real and who are not so dont okay your head games with me |
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