Seeking that one true love. Yeah that might be weird. I feel like a lot of women into bdsm are just looking to "play". 

No. Not me. 

I want to be special. I want to be owned and taken. 

Yes, I'll fuck whoever you tell me to..but i'll still be yours. 

Gangbangs...I fucking love them. 

Yes, I'll do anything you tell me to do. At the end of the day though I want to belong to someone. 

I love to cook. I mean really cook. 

Chicken milanese with homemade brushetta. Roast chicken thighs with lemon and feta. 

I enjoy every part of it. The grocery shopping, the cooking, but most of all serving the meal. 

And fuck, I almost forgot about the aprons! Anthropologie aprons seriously excite me.

Hosting dinner parties. I run that shit.

Washing dishes makes me happy. 

I feel offended if I'm not expected to be in charge of the household. 

So last night around midnight I ran out of cigarettes. It's still so warm in Florida for december, so I pulled on a light coat and some boots and decided to just walk to the store up the street.

 Frustration has been a constant companion lately. So this was a purposeful walk. 

 I always find a little thrill in making a late night walk, it feels...dangerous. Then I realize, I like this. I started to entertain thoughts about how I "hope" nothing happens to me. 

 At that point desire just starts to bubble over. I keep my eyes down and listen to my music even though my head is screaming, "I wish someone would just rape me right now". 

  Like no,  seriously, if a man approached me right now I would drop to my knees and beg to get fucked. 

I start to argue with my brain, mentally listing all the reasons why I shouldn't be thinking these things cause dammit I'm a lady. I rushed home, raced through the door and collapsed in a heap of emotions and buzzing with sexual frustration. 

See this is what happens when I have no healthy outlet for this kind of stuff and also my brain is bad at listening to me. 

This should be filed under oh you fancy huh, fantasies, and shut up i'm a girl...

 A fragment...(from my brain!)

 You fuck my face. I mean really fuck it. My Yves Saint Laurent mascara is running and i'm on the verge of throwing up. But I hold back cause I'm a good girl like that. It's a messy blowjob, you like taking me, making me into a dirty slut. You abruptly pull out of my throat and I whimper. You sternly tell me to fix my make-up. I do. I make sure it's perfect, I hesitate over my perfume, not sure which one to use tonight. You see me pause, then you tell me "The Chanel, it's always classy." That's perfect I think, never has a woman gone wrong with Chanel.I grab my coat and we head out to hail a cab.

You give the taxi driver an address, it's an art gallery, and there's an opening tonight. As soon as we get in the car you start to run you hand up my thigh. I give you a look, you know how shy I get in public. The look you give me back assures me that I have no reason to be insecure/worried and that even if I was it didn't matter cause I'm your submissive whore.

I am. You know that, so you start to move your hand up until you reach my lacy thong, you move it aside and start to move fast. Stroking my clit, working into my pussy. I quickly realize that for this little moment you're not being candid. The taxi driver can see everything. You tell me to spread my legs and pull my breast out of my strapless bra and dress. I know the driver is looking, you know the driver is looking.

You feel my shame, but you like it. I like it. You look at me as if to say "who the fuck cares what the random cab driver sees". Then you push into my pussy more and I can feel how many fingers you have inside of me. It hurts but you go deeper, harder, and slip more into me. I'm whimpering and breathing hard.

You let me have my orgasm. It's rough, I'm not quiet. It feels so good. The rest of the ride you don't take your hand out of my pussy and I avoid your eyes. I tell you I'm sorry, because I feel such shame for behaving so badly in public. You laugh.

We get to our destination. You pay the cabbie. Do you tip? I wonder...or was my "show" tip enough. I feel disgusted with myself, and it makes me angry all over again when I realize that what I'm feeling is pleasure from such degradation. You don't give me too long to contemplate before you kiss me and tell me that i'm such a good slut. So beautiful.

We go inside. Art. Some of it speaks to us, some of it compels us to make private little jokes (#pretentious #this...is art?). Some of the time we simply nod. But the entire time we're there you make sure to brush up behind me and press into my ass.

You whisper in my ear "I'm going to bruise your ass tonight." I shiver, you love to arouse me in public when you know I can do nothing about it. You make sure to lean real close and tell me "I'm going to make that ass raw tonight. That tight little ass deserves to be fucked hard."

I groan. How could I not!

So can a man just decide to be dominant. Seriously. Can you just wake up and say i'm just going to decide to be a dominant man today, okay that's settled, time to shave.?

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When I was 9 I really, really, really wanted to be the little mermaid.?

The whole ocean! thingamabobs! being a princess! Sign me up...no...seriously sign me the fuck up. I want a handsome prince charming to come save me and blah blah blah. But that really is a whole other?issue.?

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The thing is, no matter how hard I wished and wanted it I never became a mermaid.?

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Even deeper is this question...can someone decide to be dominant for someone else. Someone they love??

It's scary! 

You know putting yourself out there and finally proclaiming to yourself (and the whole goddamn world!) "I am submissive and I can't live a lie anymore." 

It happened to me. It actually did, I was sitting right here drinking some awful rum and looking a profiles when I finally said fuck it. No, really. Fuck it. I need to fill out this profile, connect with some people, express my feelings. 

I needed to be heard. Which is really hard to admit. The moment I let myself get there I recoiled because I thought "God you're a selfish bitch."

That aside, I'm not a girl who is stumbling through life trying to figure things out. I know what I want. So many things can stand in the way though. Shame, fear, guilt. Yikes.