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improving. always winter i become so crazy. not so bad lately. mood is improving. |
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nothing i do days and days. mood is so bad. only pretend situation my life sucks more. |
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really try some activity before have to wake but cannot finish. sucks. so frustrate. my brain will be crazy hours and hours. |
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i hate somebody send one message and order naked picture instantly. then complain i refuse. i will be so busy to do that everybody ask. stupid. really somebody think like that? lazy. |
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i chat somebody recently.
is nice my brain is active more.
i can ignore a lot that bother me and enjoy pretend my life is opposite everything. |
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try to be more positive something my journal. |
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530 am and mostly cannot sleep all night.
brain is back and forth so many idea.
make me crazy.
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weather is getting colder. always makes me crazy. already my brain is thinking stupid idea. |
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cannot sleep well.
brain is so busy pretend something terrible to me.
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quiet mood today.
to not wish to do or think anything.
tired. |
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almost 4am.
so sleepy but cannot sleep well.
brain is so busy stress.
try to pretend other idea i can ignore what bother me.
nothing helpful. |
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Everything is wrong time lately.
Too boring or too busy.
Never what I wish when I wish. |
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Try to response so many messages tonight.
Makes me tired.
Sorry. |
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Feel so boring today. My brain is busy pretend scary exciting situation. |
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Had some very nice dream. Mood was exciting I wake. Body is very relax now. Tired. |
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Trying to be more positive. Difficult sometimes though. |
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Not all Asians are stupid and ugly. Only me.
Not all womens are stupid and ugly. Only me.
Do not complain all womans and Asians to me. |
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Do not enjoy Christmas season much. All my friend have good relationship they family and husbands. Some nice activity. Younger couple has romantic activity together. Is sad I see like that. Make me sad I never did that I was younger. Older person is less and less romantic. Too old to enjoy like that. Too old younger activity. Sucks. Give me stress. |
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Mostly I do not chat. I am not so interesting and nothing I do. Nothing I wish from anybody. Only read some profile I feel boring or stress. Very boring for everybody. |
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Today everything sucks. Nothing good, not at all. |
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Busy and boring together. I don't understand how that can happen. |
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Maybe I improve some. Still I am crazy but now is different way.
Maybe that is better way though. Maybe psychiatrist help some. |
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So crazy now. My brain is so busy stupid thing. Make me so crazy. |
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Probably we quit China. Almost no chance that will happen now. That is good thing for me. I really did not wish to do that. |
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I am doing less and less. I am trying to quit here. I think that is correct for my situation. Sorry. |
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I am official crazy woman. My brain really has problem.
But the Doctor thinks not so bad.
But I have not told the Doctor everything I think.
Probably she is wrong her opinion. |
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Yes, I do erase a lot what I write here. Sometime I wish to write what I thinking. Eventually my mood change and decide too stupid or other idea. I erase. So what. |
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Should I explain to my Doctor all my idea? I worry some part are big problem. I worry she know what activity I did cause problem for me. I do not explain all my idea, maybe she cannot fix though.
No idea. Cause more stress to go to the Doctor to fix my stress. No idea what detail I should tell her.
I struggle that problem. Maybe that is reason my brain is constipate.
I am so stupid I don't even know what symptom I should explain to the Doctor. I am too embarrass she know I am so broken. |
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My brain is constipate. So much inside but nothing come out. Sometimes write to my journal help me understand better what bother me or what I wish. Lately I cannot do that. Too many idea same time, I cannot begin. Everything I think is so negative, I do not enjoy to be like that.
I try to be more positive.
I had appointment the Doctor. Maybe I am not so crazy. Maybe is required she say that though. Maybe she change her opinion I explain all my idea and activity to her though.
Suggest probably I can avoid medicine or maybe very weak amount. I don’t believe though. Only she has conversation with me one time. No idea how she decide that.
Maybe she learn all my idea they remove my brain to protect society.
Maybe I have so much problem lately because not idea I should explain my Bully idea and detail what I doing to her. No idea how honest I should be. Some part is so embarrass and maybe cause more problem explain to her what I thinking. Maybe she never know anybody think like me. Maybe she know that problem. No idea. Probably is very unusual though. Maybe I fix other problem and my idea disappear too.
Maybe she hypnotize me and secret order me very embarrass act (^o^)
Maybe I ask she can really do hypnotize though. Polite order only though.
I try to be more positive. I try to notice more good thing my life.
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Always I cannot sleep well. Always my brain is thinking and argue something inside, only me. So tired I cannot think clearly anything. Wish to quit thinking I can relax. I hate but maybe need medicine. I really do not enjoy that though. Sucks. |
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Mostly I do not wish conversation much recently. Sorry. Too tired and bad mood to think correct response. Wish alone and invisible. Only read a lot. Sorry. |
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Always my mood is back and forth. Always up and down. Always same cycle. Something stress or boring or event cause my idea grow. Mostly I can ignore and nothing problem. Boring blah, blah, blah. Result is my life is repeat and repeat stupid cycle. Slowly my idea grow. I have conversation more and more. Mostly I do not notice I do that. Eventually I do something stupid and immediately feel so stupid I did again. I am so embarrass I am so stupid. I quit conversation completely everybody. Not only here but all my life. My family, my friend. I wish alone and nobody bother me. I ignore everybody because so angry I am so stupid. Slowly I notice what other person saying some. I listen more and more. Slowly I come here more and more. Conversation a little. Conversation more. Combine some stress and boring and event and I repeat stupid again. Become angry and avoid everybody again. Repeat and repeat. Years and years. Nothing change. Even I aware I do that it happen. Stupid. |
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Possibility will have to move to China. Maybe that will happen next year. That is very loose plan. No idea that will be two year assignment or only few month. Maybe small chance that will happen at all.
Only general plan and what city is possibility. Some city that list is not so bad. Some city that list sucks.
Some part is not so bad. General not so bad. Is other Asian country so food is mostly same and general culture is not so different.
Problem is new language again. Only I can understand few word certain dialect. Because no idea exactly city, nothing I can prepare in advance. Bigger city is not so bad. Mostly resident can speak common language. Smaller city is problem though.
Even bigger city require everybody think other language. Makes everybody tired. Eventually everybody become tired and rude because tired to think other language. Pretend they cannot understand. Even I do that sometime.
I will be stupid woman cannot understand again. To be only Asian other country is obvious I am foreigner. Probably I cannot understand.
I think not so obvious I am foreigner China. Maybe everybody think I am just stupid.
Very mix my opinion. Some good thing. Food. Mostly everybody is Asian feature so mostly nobody notice me. Mostly culture is same.
Some bad thing. Because Asian, mostly other person expect I am Chinese. Expect I can understand what I should do. I don't understand, I am not stupid Asian, I am stupid woman.
That is mix for me. Only Asian, everybody notice me easily but problem is general stupid Asian.
Everybody is Asian, mostly nobody notice me except something I need. Immediately they notice I am problem. I am stupid person. That is more only to me. Not to general Asian.
Maybe that cancel. Everybody notice only Asian cancel only I am stupid. I cannot explain. I know exactly what I thinking but cannot explain.
Visible general compare invisible personal. I cannot explain. Make me angry I cannot explain such a easy idea. Stupid.
Honestly, I really do not care. Every place I live sucks. I never fit exactly. Always something I am wrong to live there.
I really do not feel comfortable any city. I never feel like that is my home. I leave Korea I was too young to live there sorter than Japan. Korea is original but weak memory.
I move to Japan I was too old to fit easily. Always I feel I do not belong there. I never really accept Japan and society never really accept me. I really do not have home. I am stray dog.
Blah, blah, blah. Boring. Nobody care. No choice for me. That is my responsibility. Only I wish to complain.
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Internet sucks. Everything is so slow and disconnect every minute. Message I write disappear. Sucks. Some part was repair but recently problem is again. Sorry, I am not rude. Nothing I can do. |
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Already my family is awake and I do not sleep whole night, not at all.
I only waste time doing stupid conversation. I really do not wish to do that but again that happen. Nothing interesting I say but still other person wish stupid woman blah, blah, blah to them. Maybe they think is funny my conversation is so stupid. No idea reason they enjoy me. Nothing good for them.
I have to hurry some. Maybe I will sleep whole day my family is gone. They think I an lazy nothing I do whole day. Only I sleep like fat dog.
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I hate somebody pretend my friend. I explain truth but they complain. I try to be flexible but they only wish exactly certain way.
Maybe that is reason I prefer bully. Bully is very honest their opinion. They hate me. That is very obvious. They never tell lie. I can adjust to their opinion because very obvious.
Maybe other person treat me separate but maybe I prefer like that. Relationship is too much work for me. I am too lazy and too stupid to do that.
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Internet sucks. I cannot connect well. I write something and disappear. Try to repeat same message and feel stupid what I said. Repeat same message is no feeling. Eventually I quit.
Still internet company cannot fix. Problem is something damage their facility. No idea when they can fix.
Sucks. |
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I did stupid again. I cannot believe. I am so stupid. Why I am like that? Always I do same thing. Immediately hate what I did. Stupid. |
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So angry. Always I hate what I did immediately. Still I do that though. Make me crazy. So angry I cannot sleep, not at all. So stupid. Do nothing make me sad, do something make me angry. Nothing correct I can do. I am like drug addicted. To have activity is temporary solution but eventually create more problem. More problem wish more drug. Is circle. Something strong emotion is rest. Very sad or very scared or very embarrass is ignore other thing bother me. I wish happy but to do that is opposite what bother me. That is rude. Maybe nobody can understand. Maybe I cannot understand. Stupid. |
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Tonight rain more. So tired but cannot sleep well. Really wish very big walk the rain but too tired. I did walk the rain Monday morning but I did not feel satisfy much. Rain was not so bad and not so big walk. My clothes become wet some and uncomfortable but feeling is not what I wish. Maybe not strong enough. Maybe no idea what I wish though. Maybe alone or sad or abandon. No idea. Maybe not enough time I can think. Maybe not enough time I can quit to think. Cold and wet and uncomfortable make me think different way. No idea correct word, I cannot explain well. Rain will be more strong tomorrow. Maybe I tell my family I will have activity my friend house. Excuse I can be gone most the night. Stupid I make plan to be stuck the rain. Maybe other person cannot understand well. To be alone the rain very empty place, very late time is interesting feeling for me. Maybe I do that. Maybe factory place or train park. Factory place is very hard feeling. More dirty and uncomfortable. No tree, no bench, nothing nature. That is cold feeling for me. Train park is more open place. Some place I can sit and more pretty. Road is some car even nighttime though. Nobody notice me but still I pretend what they think I sit such odd place. I do not wish worry for me. I pretend they think crazy woman is so stupid. My mood is more factory place. Probably I will do that. I have activity there previous. Mostly nobody there nighttime. Feeling is different other place. Very alone. Train place is more worry embarrass. Factory place is more abandon feeling. So sleepy. Time is after 4am. Less 2 hour I can sleep. I think I cannot sleep well though. Maybe I move some laundry and open all the door to outside. I sleep there. Is almost outside. No idea reason but really wish out my house. I do that now and try to sleep some. |
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Outside is raining a little. Just stare the window and no emotion. Feel dead. Sad is better no emotion. I thinking just sit the rain. Become wet and cold, make me uncomfortable. Stupid but sometime I do that. Rain affect me a lot. No idea reason but that happen a lot. Maybe I do that. |
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I do not enjoy compliment.
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Recently I learn a lot. Some message I don’t understand well. Research meaning some word and accident find interesting website. Explain bully, humiliation and shame. Not only meaning but affect personality. Understand more my dysfunction. No solution but maybe understand reason what bully did still bother me.
I read other profile a lot but lately nothing interesting. My mood change a lot because what I study.
My family notice that too. I do not wish talking so much. I think my life and my history a lot. I think why bully pick me and what they did. Problem is mostly I agree what they said. Feel so stupid I cannot fit well. Feel so stupid because faculty force me attend much lower grade. That is very embarrass. Never I recover. Always I behind academic and age. Maturity is very different other student my class. Same age student bully me because still I attend elementary school. Every day I cry to wear stupid uniform. Everybody notice I am elementary student. Maybe uniform is more embarrass than naked for me. Nobody understand how embarrass that is for me. Nobody understand problem that cause for me. Bully enjoy I have to do that. Maybe that is reason I always think naked. To wear that is like punishment for me. Every day I force to do that. No choice. To do that attract bully. To do that tell everybody I am stupid. Nobody wish my friend. No boys wish date me. I am stupid chosenjin. Some part I agree. I never fit well. That is problem. |
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Lately I do not enjoy conversation much. Sorry. |
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Thinking my life a lot. That is result some message I get. I do research meaning some word and find two interesting website. I learn a lot. I never really understand difference humiliation and shame so well. Both are connect but big difference. Humiliate mean you do not agree. Shame mean you agree. That is very general. Actual definition is very long. During I read longer definition I apply to my history.
Some detail my life I never notice. Some detail my history I never attach my feeling so much. Bully is problem but other detail really bother me. I never think so much though. I feel stupid other reason. I feel ugly other reason. Bully complain I am stupid and ugly. Nothing I can argue. Really bother me a lot because I agree. Eventually I agree other detail bully complain to me maybe not so correct. I hate myself. I think everybody think same way with me. Other person humiliate me but I feel shame because mostly agree. Maybe I think that way even adult. I hold stress and shame, create pressure. I really wish release that pressure. Cry or sad because of nothing good. Bully is excuse to do that. Maybe I think too much. Maybe is very easy reason. Maybe I wish excuse to enjoy embarrass and cry. I am stupid.
Somebody suggest I quit here and write blog. Maybe I will do that. Here everybody think something I wish. Everybody wish meet me or naked picture or fuck me or I become slave to them. Really I wish solution. Thinking and study maybe I can do that.
Some person ask my crazy idea. I did research professional Dominant person. I think that person understand better what I think and wish more than me. During I visit Miami, almost I did meet other person. I give detail my hotel but eventually that person never go there. No idea I really wish they come there or not. Only is very scary and remind me my history. I have same feeling bully will be waiting to bother me. My idea is maybe I have session during I visit my friend. That is very separate my life and hidden. To pay other person is not relationship. I can decide detail mostly but not completely. Some my idea is stronger. More than bully did. Mostly that is experiment. Maybe I never wish again. Maybe that is therapy. To do that will be finish. I worry and complain but never do anything to fix. Eventually I quit session idea. Is too difficult to arrange detail. Too many problem. No idea procedure. Because I stay friend house, require other place to do that. No idea who arrange location. I cannot drive there so require transportation other city. No excuse activity separate my friend whole day. Decide is not possible. Even I plan carefully, somebody notice.
I think I will do research to make blog. Think something else to give my brain rest. Research blog keep my brain busy for long time. I am so stupid some subject like that. Take me a long time to learn. Even I cannot understand my own feeling. Stupid.
Sorry I do not response to some message. Mostly I thinking. I concentrate that a lot. I cannot pay attention conversation so well because my brain is busy other problem.
Sorry.
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Suddenly everybody wish poo and pee. Not detail other activity but that is main subject. Persons I never have conversation with send gross message like that. Even some friend do that now a lot. Maybe during other activity pee my clothes is small detail. Like that is only acceptable, not my favorite.
Other person poo my mouth is gross. Make me sick. Why somebody enjoy like that?
One person tell me she has slave live her toilet always. Everybody poo and pee to her. I think she will die from germ. Make me sick think like that. Maybe because I talk that person some, they tell other person I think that. Only I ask question because I never hear like that before. I cannot believe.
Dirty makes me uncomfortable I enjoy some, but other person poo and pee is to me too gross. Even I poo and pee my own clothes is gross. Who say that to somebody they never know? Crazy. |
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So tired, nothing interesting.
Everything blah, blah, blah.
So boring but my brain wish nothing.
Just tired.
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Because of sick, so tired. Do not wish thinking much.
Mostly I read only message some friend.
Because of sick, I do not response so much even my friend.
I read more message because no conversation, but mostly nothing I response.
Not rude, just tired. Sorry. That is temporary.
Sorry. |
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Still so tired. I try rest some but so busy. Maybe sleep early I can finish quickly. I cannot leave mess, bother me I do that. Stupid but that is my personality. Everything should be clean and organize. Finish everything correct time and be responsible. Nobody notice, nobody care. That is correct way, everybody does that. My problem is nothing special. Is my responsibility. |
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Today so tired and sick a little. Maybe rest but so many thing I need to do. Nobody care. Still I have responsibility to do. No excuse. |
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Already problem. I think is not possible. Probably I quit. |
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I do research crazy idea. Maybe I do that. Make me scared think that really happen. |
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Stupid. Always I do same thing. Something make me crazy. My brain is back and forth. Write something my journal and erase, a lot. Eventually I do something stupid and hate what I did that immediately. So angry to me. Always I do that. During I have activity that happen always. My brain become crazy and I do that. Immediately feel so stupid. Why I did that? Crazy. Stupid. My brain repeat and repeat. Nothing I can concentrate. Just angry to me. |
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Reason to show my butt because hate my body. Not sexy. I hate. Ugly, flat, big, old. Breast is small and odd shape. Nothing sexy. Embarrass me. Please, never suggest I do that because sexy. Original reason to do that is my friend suggest make me uncomfortable and embarrass other person see that. That is uncomfortable secret, nobody my life know I did that but I know somebody see that. During I live Mexico, always other person stare to me because Asian is so unusual that city. I pretend reason other person stare because they have see my picture here. Maybe they know what I think and did. Is very uncomfortable and big stress always. Never that happen but I think like that.
To live here is not that way. Really no reason to have picture now. Mostly no stress to live here but sometime I think that picture something bother me. I do that for ignore other problem temporary. Same reason I did during I live Mexico but not so much during I live here.
Really not so difficult. Really not secret reason. Reason is very basic and boring. Nothing I wish from other person, I do that for me.
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I did visit my friend before she return to Orlando. She is very sad but expect father would die because of sick for long time. Thank you to everybody that ask she is ok.
We talk a little I go Orlando to visit her but probably I do not do that quickly. Maybe few month or more, no certain plan. Mostly just talking maybe we do that.
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Orlando friend father die. I go that city to help what I can. She is very good friend, I wish to do that. |
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My friend live Orlando will come Japan this week. She cannot come my city but maybe I go her city. Nothing we will do though. Her father has problem so she will be busy to care for him. Is polite to help what I can. I really enjoy her so I will do that as much I can.
Today I have lunch new friend. That woman is other friend’s friend. We have some activity together before but that include other friend too. Today only include her. Nothing special though. She seem very nice and I enjoy conversation to her.
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Probably we will not move Brazil. Maybe other place but no certain plan. Even that happen, probably nothing happen this year. |
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I decide walk convenience store wear only robe but nothing interesting I feel. I never inside store, only to there and return. Feel like old crazy woman, not interesting, not at all. My idea is maybe try some pose require kneel or lay the ground. Not be clean is embarrass so maybe robe become dirty cause embarrass some. Robe is very light colour and easily notice dirty. I look carefully place to try pose but nothing I can find interesting. No place I can do that easily. To do that the road is not interesting I think. Walk to place I have activity before is too far and mood is not strong enough I wish that. Eventually mood is not strong enough so I quit. Pose is interesting but maybe no stress my life prevent stronger mood. |
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My friend suggest I try some pose outside tonight. I do not have any activity for long time because of no stress but maybe I do that. Weather is very correct for me and maybe interesting. Temperature is 5c and some rain make me feel uncomfortable more. My friend suggest I enjoy feeling like wet cat.
Small chance I do that, maybe 10%.
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Rude is not same as Bully. I do not enjoy rude. |
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Some person explain something is very interesting. Other person explain exactly same thing, exactly same word but sucks, bother me. Some person is too rude. Some person is too polite. Middle is boring. No idea what I enjoy but some person can fit that. Mostly nobody can do that. That is reason only few friend I have conversation. |
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My friend send drawing with many slave pose. I think not so important but friend suggest try that. Mostly think stupid and nothing special but experiment I do that. Surprise me though. Mostly pose feel silly but some pose cause more embarrass what I expect. Was interesting. I think not something I enjoy for activity but interesting. |
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Just tired. Nothing I want. Blah, blah, blah. |
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Maybe I have to go Brazil. No certain plan, only give passport for visa. Few time we do that and nothing happen so no idea we really to that. Only detail is possible that happen May or June. Maybe few week but possible we live there up to five year. We live there before and not so bad. Asian is not so unusual there. Not so safety though. Some place is very dangerous. Language is problem too but because some Asian live there not so bad like other country.
Is good thing economy improve but still I do not enjoy to leave here.
Even we do not have certain plan, I have to do research for so many thing. Company help a lot but that is general. I wish better plan. Suggest school or place we live but we choose exactly. Not so much choice but I have to do research to choose exactly. My family does not care so much but bother me a lot. Makes me tired thinking so much work to do that. Nothing I can do though because no idea city or we live there. Beginning my life to live other country is interesting. Eventually I hate. I try to sleep but my brain is so busy for plan.
Unfortunately no wine to relax. Sucks. |
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Mostly I quit activity and quit here too. To live here is comfortable and almost no stress. Without stress, my feeling disappear.
Mostly I only have conversation some friend here. Sometime boring or wait my friend maybe I respond interesting message but mostly I do not do that. Sorry. |
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So tired. Mostly I quit conversation here but decide try a little. Same problem make me quit conversation. Nobody understand my idea. Everybody suggest idea they wish. Ignore my idea. Everybody wish naked picture immediately, no conversation, not at all. My idea is not interesting to you why you bother me? Waste time and make me angry. I explain clearly what I never do but always somebody suggest that immediately. Only one message to me and wish move or marry or ask stupid question I already explain. Mostly I quit to write journal too so no purpose here. Maybe I quit here completely. Just waste time. |
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Why so many people send message without reading profile first? Mostly what they ask already explain. Lazy. Just delete. |
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My family explain city is Hermosillo. That city is very far from where we live before so no possibility to visit where we live before. Really nobody I know there but maybe interesting.
I do some research Hermosillo tomorrow. I think probably I will not go there. Maybe I find something very interesting I change my mind.
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Maybe I will go to Mexico this week. No certain plan. Only detail is different city than I live before and very short stay there. Still I have not decided I will go. Mostly stay less one week I quit to go with my family. Less one week not enough time do anything interesting. Only sit the hotel.
My family will give more detail tomorrow. Then I decide.
If longer stay there, probably I will go. Maybe stay here is better idea though. I think to live Mexico so long cause my feeling. So much stress to live there. Since we return to Japan, mostly my feeling become very weak. Lately, I do not wish activity much. Easily I can ignore. Is good opportunity maybe quit it. Here is boring but not much stress. |
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Maybe raining Monday and Tuesday. Mostly no stress but boring a lot. I think probably wish no activity because no stress. Mostly mood is better. My life is not much problem. Mostly problem is so many stupid person here. Maybe quit here cure me. |
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My idea is never sexy.
Suggest sexy idea is not interesting to me. Do not enjoy suggest slut, prostitute, bitch, whore, fuck, wet, cum, pleasure or like that.
Idea is stupid, ugly, fat, nobody enjoy, garbage, animal, bug, dirty, crawl, servant, embarrass, bully, general complain body or person or like that.
Do not wish romantic, friend, help, compliment, move, marry, money or anything from other person. I have family, never quit them. Never. Never.
Why so difficult. I have history other person bully me during child. I have stress or boring I think like that. Bully cause embarrass and other person notice that. That feeling I have a lot. Mostly that was other woman but some is man.
I am not lesbian but woman bully is acceptable. I never think romantic for other woman, only bully.
Sorry so boring but only like that is my idea.
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Nothing interesting. Boring. Temperature become more cold but still feeling is too weak wish activity. Maybe is good. Really hate wish do that. Saturday is predict rain. Mostly cold temperature and rain combine cause stronger feeling. Maybe no feeling mean my brain become normal. Maybe not much stress is reason feeling is so weak. Mostly boring and stress combine make me crazy. Here is boring but mostly comfortable. During live other country, language cause stress. Even general activity is so difficult because cannot explain well. Maybe nobody understand, but cause stress a lot. Even other person try polite, feel stupid because cannot understand.
I notice photo other person profile fit me well. That picture is woman sit the bench naked during snow. Is interesting because that picture fit my feeling. No idea reason but really interesting to me.
Maybe ask permission that person have that picture for my profile.
So many problem with picture though. Some picture I change have problem for long time. Try to change cause more problem.
Time is past 2a and tired. Sleep.
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Rain so much now! Sitting outside table but suddenly raining so much. Inside is too cold. No place comfortable to sit. Nothing interesting can do. Maybe quit plan and sleep. Maybe that plan does not work well. Do that before and still so tired. Maybe nothing can do prevent tired. Boring. Maybe sit the elevator. That is only place is not so cold. Maybe somebody call the police because zombie woman hide the elevator whole night. Everybody think crazy person. Maybe everybody think that now. Maybe everybody is correct.
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Finally we return to Japan tomorrow. Original return was delay two weeks and worry delay more but maybe too late to do that. Before, company say only one day previous schedule change but expect that happen some. Mostly prepare so not so much need to do more.
Maybe a little disappoint nothing happen with Miami person. Think was good opportunity for activity because of location and enough time but maybe too dangerous too. No idea reason but Miami person scare me a lot and still feel mostly safe too. Cannot explain. Really enjoy that person a lot. Back and forth opinion nothing happen is good or bad.
Become tired but wish to be awake. So tired return to Japan for long time. Adjust to Japan time always affect more than adjust to time here. Now family is sleeping. Maybe go the lobby to not bother them. Maybe zombie robot woman walk the hotel tonight a lot. Maybe somebody bully me during do that.
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Everything my life sucks. No purpose. Only I survive each day. Zombie robot that function without emotion. My emotion die. I give detail enough Miami person find me is interesting but that person disappear. Maybe that happen is good because cause trouble my life. I have regret both I do that and that person disappear. Ignore my feeling is better than embarrass my family and ruin my life. My family will return soon and I need to prepare. I pretend smile and polite. |
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Miami person disappear. That person never response to me more and erase profile. That person also remove all conversation we have before. Maybe I am too crazy to them.
Mostly nothing to do. My friend cannot come here more because of job. I cannot go to there because cannot drive here. So boring. Only wish sit and doing nothing. So tired internet but nothing else I can do. I do not wish any activity or conversation. Only I stare the computer and wandering the hotel like zombie... no purpose. BLAH!
Only few more day then we will leave to Japan. Even that is not excite me. No plan for return home, nothing. Only work to survive. Nothing special or interesting.
Nothing more to say. Maybe I go be hotel zombie again. |
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My friend return home to Orlando Sunday. Now only my family and me stay the hotel. During my family work, nothing much for me. Hotel we stay is nice but separate from everything. Mostly I am stuck because no car. I try taxi few time but driver have more problem with English than me and mostly interesting thing is so far. Additional problem is I really do not enjoy activity here only me. I do that make me uncomfortable and make me imagine I have problem with somebody bully me. Sometime I imagine that is acceptable but here I think is not safety really. Maybe somebody bully me is what I wish but I die is not acceptable. Here I think I die. Other city I live longer time. I learn geography that city and avoid dangerous place. I have some activity other city that make me uncomfortable on purpose. I make plan on purpose that make me more uncomfortable. I imagine bully embarrass me and cause me trouble but not kill me. Here I think mostly everywhere is dangerous. I worry somebody kill me and imagine that is not what I wish.
I say I wish trouble a lot but maybe that is not correct. I cannot explain well because I do not know correct word for what I want. I do not wish somebody bully me but I do wish that happen. I hate when that happen to me during I was child but still I imagine that a lot. I hate so much feeling I have during that happen. I hate so much feeling I have when I know bully is waiting special I arrive. Still I have no choice. Still I have to go there. Sometime that happen, other people go there special to see bully be mean to me. Nobody help me. Even my friend do that. Maybe my friend wish avoid trouble to them but few time I see they smile my misfortune. That hurt me a lot. Still they are my friend but never I trust reason.
Sorry, my thought jump topic a lot. Forward and back. Argue inside my brain a lot. I go back to previous idea.
Always I wish invisible to everybody. Nobody notice me. During other person bully me, everybody notice me. Maybe during that happen my feeling is everybody enjoy me. Mostly my feeling is everybody hate me. During I live Korea, other childens hate me because part Japanese. During I live Japan, other childrens hate me because part Korean. During I live China, everybody hate be because everything. Never I belong. I hate my family move so much. I hate I am mix Asian. I think always move new place is so difficult to child but still I did that my childrens. Even adult I hate move so much but still I agree to that. I think maybe I should learn never do that. Maybe bully understand how much trouble they cause other person their whole life, they never do that. Now I feel separate from society because of new city or culture or race, I imagine feeling I have during somebody bully me. Maybe that is feeling I have from bully. Maybe I wish feeling everybody enjoy me even that reason is something bad happen to me. I am broken, that is truth. No idea reason I wish trouble. I do not wish but maybe I need?
I promise I never meet anyone. I never agree allow other person bully me really. I have family and do that is cheat. Still I tell detail my trip to Miami person. Mostly I know that person quit other web site so mostly safety. Still is small chance that person really find me and cause me trouble. Maybe only I wish that is possible but really do not wish that happen. Maybe I wish no idea my future. Truth is I wish scared. Reason I become scared is not so clear to me. I think my favorite would be Miami person come here and secret bully me. Nothing so bad. Maybe stare to me during breakfast the lobby. When my family leave to work, that person follow me. Force me hidden place like stairwell. Squeeze my neck and hold me the wall. Tell me they cause me big trouble I do not obey. No idea what order I have to obey but I agree to do that. That is all I really wish. That happen my brain imagine terrible idea for rest my life. Nothing really happen but I always scared they do that. Always I become uncomfortable, I imagine that. Maybe I sure is safety, I agree really to bully. Truth, no idea Miami person find me I agree to that. I talk to that person some and make me crazy. I become crazy so much maybe agree to that. Maybe I agree to allow bully bother me a lot. I cannot predict well my own decision is big problem. I imagine that person take me to other place and order me a lot. Some conversation we have involving private embarrass. That way is more comfortable to me. Maybe is possible I agree to that. Other conversation involving embarrass me during her friend watch. That affect me a lot. I think never I do that. Never that is possible but still that affect me so much. I worry I agree private bully, maybe I agree that happen during her friend watch. I promise I never do that but sometime my brain is stupid. That scare me so much. Scare me no idea what my own brain maybe do. When I come here first time, mostly nothing I do. I have some conversation but mostly cause me stress more because of language and no idea my feeling. Because of so much time to read and response, my feeling spread out. I can control easily. When I visit Orlando friend, I could do chat. That happen so fast. Eventually I did agree obey some stupid order. I never think I do that. Scare me. I hate what I did but still I did more. Eventually other person order video chat. Only private to that person. Tell me do that or cause me trouble. Mostly nothing they can do but maybe is possible. Maybe that is excuse to myself I agree stupid act. I few time and always hate what I did. Hate myself more. Eventually that person secret invite his friend watch me obey embarrass order. During I was naked, he show me his friend. Order me continue obey. I wish cancel that chat but my brain ignore. Still I did obey more. Make me so angry and embarrass but I did. I promise I never do like that but my brain ignore. I hate myself so much I did that. I hate but still I think that always. Eventually I agree public chat site. Mostly nothing so bad. Naked and show my body some but few hundred people see me naked during that. Eventually that person cause me trouble really and I quit. He never do that but he say that and maybe is possible really because I explain some detail my life. Other problem is more than 6000 people follow me that chat site. I worry somebody recognize me my real life. Still I become drunk and sad I do that though. Always I hate what I did but still I do. Result is I cannot trust my own promise. That really scare me. I avoid agree anything. I promise never meet other person really. Internet is easy I can disappear. Nobody really know me. Why I give detail to Miami person? No Idea. Maybe I really wish trouble. Maybe only I wish maybe trouble. I never embarrass my family though. That is never acceptable. That happen I kill myself. That is truth. Never they forgive me I do that. More blah, blah, blah. So boring. I explain this so many time. No idea reason I do again. Maybe explain is for me. I think I save this to my journal but erase quickly. Other person know embarrass detail my life fit my dysfunction but still I do not enjoy always. Still I deciding.
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Today my friend and I go the outlet mall. Now is rest and waiting my family return. Tonight everybody will go restaurant to have dinner together.
Mostly I relax. Miami person never response to me and now I have other activity my brain is busy other activity.
Nothing I wish to say so much. Now I sleep a little before we go dinner.
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Feel nothing, do not think about bully activity at all. I think what cause that and decide because not much possibility Miami person will come. More than one week I worry that person maybe come and make me imagine so many situation, make me tired. Truth I never wish trouble really but maybe disappoint some. Maybe only I notice that person watch me is enough. I never wish meet other person, never wish activity other person, but so dangerous that person maybe really contact to me. No idea that person is honest. No idea what that person maybe do. Really I wish that person did come here but only secret contact to me. No order, only warning they could order me they wish. Nothing I could do they wish mean to me. That would be so scary. I imagine that person really do that. I imagine so many situation from that really happen. Now not much possibility that really happen so disappoint some. My emotion is gone because not scared anymore. My friend will arrive today and I am safe with nothing happen. Truth that is best way but maybe not exactly I wish. |
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I cannot sleep because of time change. My family adjust well but I cannot do that. I do not wish bother my family so I use my computer the lobby. Mostly nobody is here. Only hotel staff. They do not pay attention to me at all.
I write some because boring and cannot sleep. So boring but I do not wish activity, not at all. Maybe too tired from worry Miami person. Mostly no possibility Miami person will contact to me. My friend will arrive and I will be gone. Even Miami person come here I will be gone. Worry Miami person is interesting but make me tired.
I struggle something to write. Mostly just do that because boring and nothing I can do because of time. I quit to try and return to room. Try to sleep some.
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Still no response from Miami person. No idea that person read my message. I pay attention everybody for that person but never notice. Probably they never come here. Still make me uncomfortable maybe they do that. Make me scared a little always. My brain imagine what I response they do that. Maybe I will be alone they talk to me. Maybe is polite to me or maybe is order. Maybe I will be my family they talk to me. I worry how do I explain that person. Maybe they only polite to me but make me so scared. Maybe they tell my family what I thinking. My brain imagine so many situation. I hate but imagine that is interesting.
My Orlando friend will visit begin Friday evening. Before I stay her house. Also she come Miami I visit here before. I think she will stay here one week. She is close friend I have for long time.
Maybe we will never be the hotel so Miami person never contact me. Maybe I relax some she will arrive. Mostly I wish nothing happen. Maybe only I wish is possible something happen. That keep my brain busy with idea.
Only I stay hotel now. My family have meeting today to get detail their assignment. I have breakfast alone the lobby. Is uncomfortable some. Mostly I ignore other person but look quickly everyone for Miami person. Look other person is not usual for me. Not so much I can do the hotel. Sit the lobby is odd and I do not enjoy sun much to stay the pool.
Now I sit the lobby. I explain Miami person I would do that a lot. Mostly I expect that person never come but still I do that. Always I look somebody come the hotel is that person.
Nothing close this hotel. I worry here is not safety walking. No car so stuck. Hotel is nice though. I stay here before. My friend will drive to here so we will have activity she arrive. Mostly nothing special. Some shopping, mostly we just talking. Nothing else I can write. Mostly I just work the computer to be busy during I sit the lobby. Still sleepy from time change. Maybe I sleep some.
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No response from Miami person. No idea that person read my message. Scare me a lot maybe that person go hotel I stay. Probably that never happen but bother me a lot. Always I wish something bother me. Always my brain pretend something bad happen to me. I hate stress but pretend bad thing that cause more stress. Stupid. |
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Nothing good today. Now computer has problem. I try chat my friend but everything frozen. I quit everything today. |
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My family think I am angry to them. I do not help anything they prepare. No talking. Really I hiding drinking. Is rude to them. Everyone my family leave soon. Only me. Bored, sad, mostly drunk. My life is garbage. Big problem my personality. Maybe I do suicide. I wish everyone gone immediately. I wish alone for cry and yelling. Break something. blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. |
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Stupid. Why I did that. Is not correct. I hate. So angry to myself. |
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I send that message. Immediately I have regret and scared. Somebody really know exactly my schedule and what I thinking. Somebody maybe really meet me. I did video chat a lot other person see me naked. Even I obey basic order. That is dangerous some but mostly safety. Somebody meet me really is so dangerous. I hate I did that. probably that person never read my message but still bother so a lot. Why I enjoy scared so much? Stupid. Now I never sleep. I decide drunk quickly. Maybe not enough alcohol my house to make me sleepy. I hate plan to go the store so late special to become drunk. To go shopping special only to become drunk is problem. Maybe is better half drunk woman crawl the store wishing more to drink. I hate what I do a lot. Stupid. |
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My brain is back and forth. Miami person never response to my message. I think that person quit other chat site. That person make me crazy. I explain I visit Miami but no detail. Only make me scared that person know my schedule. I really wish that person secret contact to me but I never do that on purpose.
My idea probably that person never read my message. Probably safety I explain detail all my trip because that person never read. That person is not available over one month. I imagine that person visit my hotel and follow me. Nobody notice, that person secret contact me. Nothing special, only know what I did. Maybe some basic order like blackmail. Nothing cause me trouble, only scare me. Almost I send message to that person detail my trip. I really wish scared but cannot do that. Too dangerous. Still is interesting maybe that person follow me. I worry everybody stare to me is that person. I really wish but cannot do that.
Probably my Orlando friend will visit and we have activity a lot. No opportunity Miami person contact to me. Schedule is too tight. Maybe my Orlando friend cancel and Miami person control me secret. That never happen but interesting I think that. Maybe somebody read this confuse them. Orlando friend is no idea what I do. She is friend for long time. We have traditional activity a lot. Miami person is not friend. That person I meet other web site. That person fit very well to my idea. Make me crazy.
Still I have detail my trip message available. I send that message I cannot cancel like here. Maybe I send. Probably I do not. Is scary that message is send so easily and maybe cause me trouble. Very easily I can do that. My brain is fighting. Maybe I wish send detail message accident. Scare me to think that. I really become scared that really happen. I die that person response. Now is nearly 230a. I try to sleep but too excite. My brain is so active. I think what it imagine is more terrible than what maybe really happen. Maybe what it imagine is wrong and something more terrible happen. Maybe me life is really ruin. Maybe that person hold my dysfunction secret and bully me forever. I never sleep at all tonight without drinking a lot. Maybe my family think I become drunkard. I drink so much only me. Maybe that think I am drunkard is better. Maybe they know truth is more embarrass to them. I go now. Something I need to relax my brain. |
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Maybe visit Miami is delay. New plan is maybe first week August. Exactly day is not certain. I hate that way. |
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Still no response from Miami person. No idea that person read my message or ignore me. Maybe think I am crazy woman. Maybe that is truth. |
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I never meet other person but still I send message to certain person maybe visit that city. That is person I explain make me crazy.
Maybe I wish scared that person follow me secret. Maybe I notice that person during activity my family. Maybe that person follow me explain what I did each day without me notice they follow me. Maybe that person order me something or they tell my family what I did. My brain pretend all that happen. Maybe that really happen. Nothing I can do.
I send message but nothing they reply. Still I scared to open message maybe they reply. Maybe I really wish that. Still I scared that person is not honest. Maybe more scared that person is honest and I agree activity to them. Stupid. Mostly activity what I did only me is no argument. Just I do quickly. I begin that way I become trap. No opportunity I can quit easily. Maybe I do that. My make rule to myself never have activity other person really. I never wish break that rule but maybe no choice that person find me. That is problem. Maybe I really wish that but without choice not same to agree. What I did is make trap. Small possibility I become trap but still that scare me a lot. Nobody know me that city except my family and few friend other city. Still I cannot be missing without explain to my family what I doing. I be missing here is not problem. Nobody worry me here. To be missing other country is big problem. Maybe is possible pretend activity my friend one day but she stay same hotel to me she visit. Not possible I think. I think nothing happen but still my brain examine so many idea maybe happen. Maybe I die only few thing my brain imagine really happen. Now my brain is too busy I cannot concentrate to write well. Only boring blah, blah, blah. No decision. Only I imagine what I maybe never do. Stupid. |
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Still no certain plan trip. Probably we leave 25th to Miami but that is not certain plan. Still plan could change Orlando include day change more future. Maybe cancel too.
When I go Miami before, not much opportunity for activity. Not like my friend house Orlando. I think Miami is same Orlando but Miami is so different. Mostly no activity there. I try some naked open land near hotel but not satisfy much. Eventually my Orlando friend visit me and we have general activity together.
Few month ago I have conversation other person make me crazy. That person I explain my journal. I never meet her but she live Miami I think. I never involving African person much so uncomfortable some. Her attitude is unusual for me, I cannot predict well. That scare me a lot but I wish that too. Mostly my life is plan every day, everything is certain way. Tradition, culture, ceremony, routine, boring, kill me. Sometime I wish opposite. Bully is not predict. No relationship that person, nothing I can predict. Treat me completely separate. Always I search some detail make me separate other person. Race, knowledge, language, culture, custom. Something make me separate and uncomfortable. That cause my heart beat fast and my brain active more. Sorry, blah, blah, blah. Boring. I repeat this a lot. Some people enjoy scary movie or scary ride. I enjoy embarrass thing happen to me. Embarrass is scary to me. Maybe I explain that way I am not so crazy.
I just find new word! Regret. I read that other person profile. Sorry, maybe boring to you, but new word is interesting to me.
Maybe I sleep now. Everyone my family is sleep already. I should do that too.
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Maybe my family, include me, go Florida again. No certain plan for which city. Mostly is Orlando or Miami. I call my friend live Orlando and maybe I visit her I go there. I enjoy there. Before I go to Miami mostly I do not feel safety a lot.
No certain plan, that depend job assignment my family. General plan is less one month. Mostly is only two week, depend how difficult to fix problem. Maybe is fix soon and no trip. We wait company decide. If problem is very big or very small, maybe I will not be allowed, only my family will go.
Still I do some plan and packing because not much notice that happen.
I visit my friend past was very interesting. I visit there from I live Mexico. There is first time I do video chat. When I live Mexico, chat never work. Was interesting. Maybe she mad she know I did activity her house during she is not there. I worry she notice few time. I obey order pee my clothes and smell is so bad. I hurry to clean but still I notice scent some. Maybe she think reason I wash only few clothes too. I worry she notice what I did. I imagine what I do she notice. Maybe she angry and quit my friend. Maybe she tell my family. I imagine she decide evil and force me obey her order. Maybe money or gift or embarrass act. I worry how I hide my family she wish money a lot. She is close friend, she never do that but still I pretend some.
Maybe reason I imagine that situation is same time other chat person try to do that really. I become so scare he did that. Same time I become so angry too. Still I angry and scare, but is interesting too. I hate that. Maybe I become addict, that is joke. I never do that.
Mostly my family is sleeping. I have small cleaning then I sleep too. Maybe morning I will shopping and small packing. Still trip in not confirm but I prepare some. I go now.
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Someone get angry to me because I do not response immediately. Sorry. Mostly I never response to other person.
Additional problem is website freeze when I use my mobile. Website show I am here always when I do that. Sorry. I am not really here. Don't get angry to me. |
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No idea what I do. Whole night I cannot sleep. I thinking activity but nothing I wish. I have conversation other person involving mostly bully idea. Make me wish bully activity a lot. My brain imagine that a lot. Activity I did never fit bully feeling well. Activity what I did is substitute that satisfy some but not exactly correct. That activity is only choice because bully idea is not possible to me. I thinking activity possible to me but nothing interesting. That activity does not fit my mood enough. I really wish trap feeling a lot. Something force me embarrass. Separate my clothes cause that feeling some. Maybe that activity cannot satisfy mood I have. Maybe weather is so cold or rain force me some. Weather is so cold I cannot waiting always for most safe opportunity recover my clothes. Force me some. Maybe that cannot satisfy mood I have enough too. Still my brain remember other person bully me. That happen during I was child but still that appear very clearly. When that happen to me, my brain only thinking bully. Nothing else. Always scared, even I am my house. Worry maybe they bother me more next day. Worry what they do to me. I imagine terrible act they do to me. Never they do most terrible what my brain imagine but my brain scare me maybe that happen. Blah, blah, blah. Always I repeat. Maybe that is same history everybody have. My history is nothing special. Mostly I do not notice other person is bully same like me. That happen some it truth. Maybe because that happen to me, I notice more. . Maybe my personality is too weak is possible forget that happen to me. I have stress or boring, cause my brain imagine like that happen more. Mostly my family is awake now. Everybody prepare for activity. Maybe is possible I sleep they leave, so sleepy. |
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I try some activity but nothing inspire me much. Only go convenience store near my house so not much opportunity. I walk the rain no protection so I become wet a lot. Was uncomfortable some to be the store my clothes are so wet. Because rain is stead all day, clearly I have no plan or I am stupid. Nothing I buy so clerk think I am crazy because I walk the rain nighttime no reason. During I return to my house, I try undress some but feeling is not correct. Because my feeling is not strong, I can ignore easily, nothing force me. Nothing force me is not interesting. Before my feeling is so strong is difficult I cannot ignore. Strong feeling inspire me enough I can make trap. I cannot quit easily I become scared. Tonight is not that way. Because so close my house no opportunity I can become separate much my clothes. Eventually I quit to become naked because not correct feeling. Still my family is awake I return so maybe is good thing nothing I do. Maybe they worry me and searching I am not return quickly. Maybe person I do not know see me is acceptable but my family see me is not acceptable. My brain imagine too much. Quickly it imagine new trouble for me fit my mood. My brain is like bully. No idea what it imagine for me. Like bully decide what happen to me. Bully is so nice to me tonight. I don’t like it. Is 4a and I try to sleep. Only few hour and everybody is awake include me. |
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Mostly today I did nothing. Outside is rain and no motivation. I think maybe activity tonight would be interesting but my feeling is too weak. To do that is not because I wish scared or embarrass but because boring. Maybe reason is rain. Cold and rain cause my feeling more. Maybe because sad or not much activity for me during cold and raining. Maybe because my feeling is stronger because naked during cold and rain is so uncomfortable. Maybe reason is other person dress more during cold and rain, make me more separate to be naked. That is stupid because naked activity is not acceptable even comfortable weather but my brain think like that. Occasionally, my brain is like other person, not same to me. I do not understand well reason for what I feel. Maybe I make excuse to walk the convenience store and judge my feeling. Nothing I need but something I do. Maybe is stupid to you, but to go the convenience store without buy something is a little uncomfortable to me. Nighttime is not much people and clerk pay attention to me more. Shopping so late and buy nothing is odd. I avoid look the clerk when I leave because not buy anything is so odd. Ignore the clerk is more odd. Maybe they think I am crazy woman. I walk the snow or rain and not buy anything. What they think they know before I was naked inside my coat there or I walk home naked next to the road? They know that, they tell everybody and my life is ruin. I go out, everybody know what I did. I never can leave my house again. I try to decide what bother me more. Other person complain to me or nobody say anything to me. They complain embarrass me a lot but say nothing make me so uncomfortable. Say nothing I never know that what that person is thinking or that person know my act. My brain imagine everybody know what I did and they think I am stupid or crazy. I imagine everybody complain about me but is secret from me. When I live Mexico and cannot understand well what everybody is saying because of language, I imagine that a lot. Everybody stare to me because Asian is so unusual and I imagine everybody conversation is about me. Only during I was child did somebody complain to me really but I never forget that. That affect me so much but maybe my brain imagine more awful idea nobody say anything to me. Is 1a and still raining and I awake. I hear car a lot the road even so late. Maybe because road is wet makes me notice noise more. Mostly my family is awake too so difficult to go out. Even I make excuse, I cannot be gone long time. Short activity is not satisfy me much. Long activity is more opportunity something scare me and to be naked longer make me more uncomfortable because of cold or wet. Uncomfortable feeling make scared feeling stronger. Now I thinking activity more but maybe not possible. Maybe my feeling is not strong enough to force me to do that. Is stupid. I do not wish activity but I try to make excuse to do that. Why I do that? Tonight my feeling was so week, maybe boring some but not wishing activity. Maybe I look something I need the store and make excuse I go there. Maybe nothing I do but I judge my feeling more during I walk. Maybe treat the store is all I wish. Maybe snack satisfy me enough. |
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I try to read what I write. I just repeat and repeat. Maybe future I write blah, blah, blah. Sorry is so boring but I really do not think anybody read. Sorry. |
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I begin to come here more but still my feeling too weak to wish activity. Maybe that is good thing. I really wish to quit. Maybe is temperature cause normal behavior. Cold temperature make me crazy more, no idea reason. Maybe is good thing because more people have activity night time now, too dangerous to have activity. Maybe is because more activity for me too. Still I have some stupid idea that bother me. I did have some conversation to other again. Mostly is same what I hate. Always try to force me adjust to sexy act for them. Other persons is compliment to me and that is not fit to me also.
I do not understand reason some person word is strong effect to me certain time and other time is no effect. I think maybe my mood and feeling move a lot. Reason that cause my feeling change so word that grow my feeling change. Maybe that is reason I cannot fix my dysfunction enough I quit.
I did think a lot so many thing. Very boring to everyone, even me. Psychiatrist must have boring life except secret laugh some people and scared other people. Maybe I am both.
I don’t like compliment. Mostly that is true my life. Maybe compliment here is different reason though. I think I never have idea conversation with friend. Many problem to do that. That is like relationship and cheating. Additional problem is friend never act that way to me, I cannot imagine that situation my brain. Stranger never understand well my feeling so say incorrect word, friend understand well but I cannot imagine that person do that. Nothing work. Still I really, really wish to ignore my feeling so why I care? Stupid.
I never make plan for activity. My mood cause me activity. Maybe I delay activity to have plan for safety but quit my mood disappear. My mood change a lot. Maybe is age. Too much stress cause that or not enough activity cause that. Sometime is no reason. I think to see Doctor for bi-polar brain but I do not have angry emotion. Maybe is depress, I wish cry a lot when I wish activity. I wish everybody hate me. Maybe I wish reason to be sad. Maybe I try replace sad with scared and that feeling is excite. Make me alive feeling. My brain is broken. I become too confuse, I cannot think enough to write. I try to make circle that explain my feeling but never the circle close. Is after 1a now and I become tired. Maybe I cannot sleep because I struggle a lot to understand my life. Maybe I become drunkard to sleep. Become unconscious from drinking. Before I try that but cause more trouble. That cause me naked video chat and I hate I do that. I cannot follow simple conversation well and nothing when I become drunk and so many people talking. That remind me Mexico when I cannot understand anything. Only I understand few word and my brain imagine conversation is mean to me. Only I recognize bad word. That fit to me but too dangerous. I worry so many people see me. Somebody recognize me and ruin my life. Still is interesting so many people know what I did though. No drinking. I have lucky no trouble so I quit that. I promise that many time but maybe I really can do that. Maybe I become confuse but feeling is better. So boring for you but therapy to me. Maybe boring for me too.
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So many message say I am sexy, beautiful, slut, prostitute, other person use me for sex or enjoy masturbate.
Stupid. My idea is not that, not at all.
I am stupid, ugly, fat and nobody enjoy me. Nothing sexy.
Only I imagine other people bully me and laugh.
I do not wish to be slave, rape, or master.
That is reason I hate conversation here.
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Dead. Nothing modivate me. No emotion robot. Each day repeat same to yesterday. |
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Mean is not the same as rude. |
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Nobody understand what I feel. I do not wish to be slave or have fun time. My idea is not sexy at all. My idea is not so difficult but nobody read or understand at all. I imagine other person bully me. I imagine that person make everyone notice me and make me embarrass. Say mean thing to me, push me, hit me and force me obey stupid order. Sometime I imagine that person force me naked and steal my clothes. Not sexy way, shame and embarrass way. Order me act silly or stupid during their friend laugh to me. Make me crawl and other act that reduce my status below everyone. Please do not suggest to be Master to me or I move or meet you. I never wish that. Yes, I have family. This is secret from them. I never cause them trouble because of my dysfunction. Mostly my reason to be here is say my feeling to my journal. That is therapy for me. Really I do not wish anything from other person. Not so difficult. Is my problem and I fix it myself. |
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Drunk and sleepy. Nothing good happen to me. I go to video chat site for embarrass but quit quickly. Always I regret go to that site. I quit before embarrass a lot. I decide drunk sleep ignore my life. |
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I quit to sleep. Only few minutes my family is awake too. I really, really crazy that person. I think ignore that person is correct but maybe that feed my imagine. Maybe conversation to that person change my feeling. Maybe that person is not I think. Is more easy I quit that person they are not correct fit. What that person say is so correct, I scared conversation force me obey. Truth, I only say few word that person. That person only response to me general message. Is stupid I become so crazy. I imagine too much such a general message. I assign personality that person only what they suggest very general. No idea. I really do not wish relationship. I only wish bully is rude to me. Maybe repeat some but not relationship. Maybe that person is too convenient. Suggest exactly correct idea. Live city I visit occasional. Is a little possible for me really do that. Because I only visit that city, mandatory I quit. Even I really wish more activity, prevent me stupid act ruin my life. No idea. I cannot decide conversation or not. I cannot decide agree to meet that person or not. Is stupid I consider meet before I know that person. Why I even think that? For me, make plan is correct but not enough detail I make plan. Sometime I hate to make plan, make me so tired but I hate no plan too. Just make me crazy. Today is not much activity for me. My family will be gone soon for activity so only I will be crazy. I really wish something occupy me today. Something general and correct. Maybe shopping or cleaning. I really wish avoid evil imagine. So crazy. |
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After 4a. So tired but my brain just fighting. Nothing make me busy my brain become busy other subject. Everybody sleep, only sound is inside my brain. Bother me. I try sleep but not comfortable. |
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Some people explain a lot with so few sentence. No certain word or idea but inspire emotion. Some people can explain a lot but say nothing. No emotion. No idea reason certain people make me zombie mode. Some people study me and say very polite and correct message but no emotion from me. Other person say one sentence make me zombie. Person like that scare me a lot. Not scare to them but scared to me. Mostly I understand other person well, problem is I cannot understand well my personality. I want thing I hate. I hate that, why I want that? Stupid. I do that, make me angry to me. I refuse that make me crazy too. Back and forth. |
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Today is more calm for me. I decide quit conversation that person. That person is polite to me and what they suggest make me so crazy but I worry too much my response. I have some activity with other friend that make me zombie. My brain ignore safety a lot and cause me trouble. Original friend order never make me so crazy and I cannot quit easily. New person make me so crazy I scared I cannot quit even very dangerous order. I never think meet other friend really but new person make me think that so quickly, I ignore rule immediately. That is too dangerous. Quit that person quickly is safety. I really wish conversation to them but too dangerous. I become zombie too quickly. My brain quit rule. Still I argue a lot my brain. I cannot concentrate anything but I quit immediately is possible. Is interesting I do not wish any activity now. M y brain argue so much what I do, it does not suggest activity. I think that is odd. Maybe that is good thing. Maybe that make my brain forget detail what that person suggest. I make rule to me, never read message that person. I feel relax more. I prepare for activity now. I have shopping and maybe meet my friend for coffee. That friend is regular friend, not bully friend. |
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Today is very interesting. I find very interesting person other web site I visit. That person explain something they wish and bother me a lot. I read that wish many time and only I can think that idea whole day. Some idea that person suggest I did previous. Some idea I imagine but never did. Some idea I think I never do. That idea really fit me well. Some part I really hate but maybe wish that happen to me. Make me scared only I read that person idea. I read so many time and make me crazy I cannot concentrate other activity. I really wish conversation that person but too scared. Before I have big problem I talk other person that I enjoy a lot. My brain become stupid I have conversation certain person. Eventually I send message that person. Make me scared and worry. Whole day I imagine that situation happen to me. My brain imagine plan that happen really but pretend. I never explain that person I visit that city before. My brain imagine during I visit my friend that city maybe meet that person secret. Imagine that person really do that to me. I worry safety other country and nobody know what I do. My brain imagine my scared during I meet that person. That person wish steal me, nothing I can do. Nobody know I there. Nobody know I agree evil to me. Maybe that person ignore I decide quit and force me completely that idea. I imagine that person friend see me. Nobody I know, really that happen. Only I pretend that idea my brain but maybe that really happen. I begin that activity, no option I can quit. I stuck. My brain is so busy that imagine whole day! I really go that city before. Very easy I agree meet that person and really that happen. That is very dangerous and I really scared somebody do that to me but I cannot erase that idea my brain. I have not plan visit my friend during summer but I really wish suggest that idea. That is crazy idea but still I think that. I never meet that person but my brain still make plan. Maybe my brain ignore my rule and do that. Maybe my rule is ignore. Before I ignore my rule and cause trouble but still I ignore more rule. Argue back and forth my head. Only I imagine that activity. I really wish scared I do that but too dangerous. My brain ignore dangerous and suggest plan step. Maybe I try activity today for feed my brain. I really wish activity that cause me big, big scared immediately. Maybe I try video chat site. Maybe I obey all order to me even that is so bad. Crazy. Crazy. Make me crazy. I really wish somebody steal my clothes and abandon me exactly middle my city. Everybody notice me and laugh. I become trap middle everybody. That is crazy idea but my brain explode. I cannot stop new idea appear. Maybe talk that person is very stupid idea. Maybe I quit immediately or I cannot prevent I do very stupid act. I cannot trust my act. I know I never do that but maybe I do that. Circle, circle. Maybe stay my house is not good idea. Maybe I have shopping or activity my friend. Something pull my brain other direction. I really, really bother me. |
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Blah. Feel nothing inside. No life. |
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Stupid. Drink too much make me crazy and I do stupid again. I hate. I promise never go to video chat site again but I did. Stupid. I did not become full naked but still I expose some and touching. So angry to myself. That is too dangerous my life. Somebody know me maybe see me. I wish I can prevent my computer is allowed that site. Prevent I can do that even I try. So angry to me. Why I did that? Stupid. I cannot sleep at all I am so angry. |
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I waiting my family to sleep. They do that maybe I sneak to activity more. Outside is near 0c and snow become more wet but I really wish activity. Maybe only have small activity because too cold. Activity I did the train park is less one hour but I think too long. Today I hurt some but still I wish activity. I quit train park now. I decide that place is too open. I enjoy scared feeling during I hide other people come. Train park is no many place to hide. Factory place have many place to hide but not so much people. Before I go the K store only my coat but nothing interesting that direction. Other direction is 7-11. That direction have walking bridge above the road. I think interesting that bridge naked but no place I can hide somebody come. All direction is busy road with wall and fence. Only very narrow place to walk, nothing I can hide. I study river area a lot but maybe I do not enjoy. I worry stone too slippery and hurt my feet a lot. I do that require shoe. Even I do that worry fall and big injury. Next to the river is path for walking and bike. That is middle the river and road. That place have snow a lot. I sneak that path some during naked factory activity. That is only change to next road. When I did that, path is so busy. I wait so long opportunity next road. That activity happen other season so many vegetation I can hide. Now is no leave the tree and mostly no people have activity there because of cold. Mostly (^.^) Maybe I have activity there. No idea. I really hate here. No good place inspire activity a lot. I think mostly my family is sleep. Very quiet I sneak outside. Maybe I walk Apple Land road. If nothing I can find, that road cross other path other direction the factory place. I really, really wish scared a lot. Still not so late. Maybe still some people walk. I can see many cars but maybe nobody walk because of weather. I worry activity that path because of snow. Maybe too easy other person find me because of see my step. Maybe snow become more wet enough nobody see well. I decide that later. I go. Maybe somebody capture me (^o^) |
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Last night weather is 0c and snow. I really think a lot to have activity. After everyone my family go to sleep I decide I do that. Nothing certain plan but I really wish scared and embarrass feeling a lot. I go to train park I go last activity and become naked same place. Eventually I move my clothes to very visible the busy road and return the train park. I hide the train and watch my clothes for long time. Is so cold and I notice my step easily my clothes. Anybody notice my clothes easily follow my step exactly I hide. I worry that a lot but nobody walk that way, only car a lot that road. I leave the train and walk a lot. That place is very open and no good place I can hide. My brain pay attention very carefully. Is so cold and my body hurt. Still I enjoy cold air touch my body. Feel very odd cold air touch my body everyplace. Make naked feeling strong for me. Not much I can do though. That road is busy but not so much. I never wait long that road is empty I able return my clothes easily. Still is scary that road naked. Because so open, I cannot hide quickly. I only have activity less one hour because so cold. During that, my clothes become very wet and cold too. Feel so dirty I dress. Wet clothes touch my butt and breast during I walk home give me dirty feeling. Few people see me during I walk but nobody know what I did or feeling I have my wet clothes. Feel squishy inside my clothes. Result is nothing special but I satisfy some. Maybe too cold for long activity I enjoy. I really wish I can find more correct place. I wish busy place with many place to hide. I wish trap for long time waiting escape. Nothing like that I can find here. Is nearly 11a and I have errand to do. I go. Maybe I look for new place during errand. Maybe somebody read my brain and surprise what I thinking. I wonder what they think they know my plan? |
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I stay out very late but not much activity. I try new place not so far. That place is park with very open land and busy road one side. Was interesting but eventually I do not have much movement. Mostly I stay few place. Reason is only few place I can hide somebody come. Mostly I stay old style train that display there. Is possible inside area the driver operate the train but also that area is very open. That place is protect from wind some and also hidden some. Because that is mostly metal, everything touch me is very cold and industrial feel. Unusual touch me make me notice naked more. Naked feeling make me scared more and that I enjoy. I put my clothes opposite part that park. I put my clothes very visible on table somebody notice easily. Not so dangerous because train is close to the road and block view to that table mostly. Still is interesting because somebody come that park, I stuck the train. Easily they notice my clothes but nothing I can do. I imagine very scared I can see them look my clothes and maybe they take them. I imagine I force sneaky naked to my house that busy road. I think that never happen because nobody go that park so late. Still I imagine like that. I did some pose like I explain stupid conversation. I hate that conversation but also it embarrass me a lot. I think what I say and repeat same pose make me uncomfortable and embarrass a lot during I do that. Mostly is satisfy. Not most scary activity but because I so angry to me from stupid conversation that activity satisfy me some. I enjoy new place but not my favorite. Here is not so many good place. Mostly open land or people house everywhere or too busy location. Not on purpose, my brain notice detail many place and decide maybe activity there. My personality become very serious that happen. Is like professional person decide plan for important job. Study detail very carefully and organize plan their brain. Sometimes I think I am very broken. Big dysfunction my brain. Nobody believe what I did. I am only quiet person nobody notice. Tonight I go to bed more early. Because not much sleep from yesterday and maybe my family complain I do not sleep correct time. Maybe I have scary dream. |
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Almost 1a and I do not wish sleep at all. Still bother me stupid conversation I have. I read that conversation again and so stupid. Cause me stress. Something bother me a lot make me wish activity. Maybe I pretend that person show his friend what I say. They all think I am crazy and laugh. Maybe they force me do what I suggest. Make me so angry to me. Other person say only few word but I suggest a lot. I did that. He think I am crazy for activity, that is not truth. Very unusual my brain act that way. More crazy that make me wish activity more. Is circle. I hate. Feel like me brain order me activity immediately. Outside temperature is less 0c and I really wish naked activity. I wish my body feel so cold and shake. I wish feel cold earth touch my body and make me shock. I really enjoy odd touch my body. that never has reason touch me naked. Fence or wall. Car or bench. Post or chain. Something I see always my life. I see that remind me I has been naked to that. Nobody know that. I see that and my brain imagine maybe somebody did see me naked there. They remember me and gossip their friend what I did. They has seen my body naked and tell other person. Maybe they pay attention I do that again. Maybe they watching that place closely I repeat. Maybe they between me and my clothes during I am very separate to them. Force me hide for long time or maybe I force to show my body to them the street. I really wish activity a lot. Maybe I do that. Maybe I pose same way I suggest to other person. That is inside idea but that idea really stuck my brain. I think to try naked from my house but that is not possible. I really wish scared a lot. I really wish scared somebody see me and I trap. I go out and try activity now. Maybe factory place but I wish new place. I search a little but I cannot fond easily I go factory place again. Already my heart beat fast and bad flavor my mouth. I go. |
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I just arrive home and everybody my family is sleep. Time is after 3a so nothing odd. Nobody care I walk so late. That is not so unusual because I do that a lot and nobody worry.
Mostly I argue myself detail stupid conversation I have with other person. I go to factory place I have activity before. I copy path I follow when I had naked activity there. Make me feel more stupid. I cannot believe I did that. I cannot believe I abandon my clothes and travel so far. Stupid. I hate I do that but still I think to do that more. To do that erase everything bother me. Today I really wish that. Eventually I become naked but no activity. I stay close my clothes and wait my body become cold and shake. That satisfy me some. Still I angry to myself but I become so cold help me. I become so cold change my mood. I feel more naked and something change my emotion. I become zombie but that feeling is temporary. I return to my house and I become angry again. I feel so stupid again. I am adult. Why my brain is this way? Stupid. I cannot sleep at all. Soon my family will become awake. Nobody ask me what I did. Maybe they think I stay home and wake before them. Bother me I have secret activity. Maybe they think I have cheating. Maybe truth is more embarrass for me than cheating. No idea how I fix. No idea what is solution. No idea I wish quit or do more. Back and forth for me. I quit now and make coffee for morning. |
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Today I feel stupid. My plan is activity meet my friend 11a. During I prepare I look my message other web site. Result is I begin stupid conversation to other person and become so late to meet my friend. Is very rude. I cannot tell my friend reason because so embarrass. Message that person send me is very basic but my brain attach to what he suggest. I read that conversation again and what I say is so stupid. I am very embarrass. My brain grow that idea a lot and I say what I imagine from that. Result is I say embarrass thing a lot. Stupid and silly idea. I cannot believe my brain force me do that. I hate that. What I say is stupid. I am so stupid. He think I am crazy person what I say. I think I cannot sleep well because my brain repeat what I did. Some phrase is stuck my brain. I hate me. I hate me. I do not enjoy other person see inside my brain. I do not enjoy such a simple message make me do that. I am crazy now. I cannot be still. I wish to run no reason. Time is so late but I go out. No certain place, I just go out. |
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I hate message that use letter instead of word. ru, u, wtf. Make me crazy. That is more difficult to understand than slang word. Maybe that way is easy for you but suck for me. I ignore message like that. |
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I try to read some message but nothing happen. Only empty page open. Sorry. |
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Today I pretend fall down the street on purpose. I pretend not notice step and fall the snow very busy street but nobody care. I wish everybody stare to me but nobody did that. Eventually I ride bus to my house my clothes wet and dirty but nobody notice. I really wish uncomfortable feeling but never happen. |
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I find another site that is more correct for me. Maybe I try that site more. |
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I read message board a lot and decide everybody is more confuse than me! I have general idea me feeling. I have general idea reason. I have general idea what my imagine solution. I know that solution is never possible. I try some idea satisfy my feeling. Sometime is success, sometime not. No argument. My solution is not same to you, so what. |
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I hate slang. I don’t get it and cause me stress. I never response to slang message. |
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I quit activity tonight. I go to place near my house and become naked but nothing interesting. I even try walk the street very far my clothes but does not satisfy me. Everything is empty. No people, no car, nothing. No reason be scared. Still I enjoy naked feeling but I really wish something trap me. I can quit easily is not interesting. I wish something force me hidden for long time. That does not happen tonight. I wish activity and I wish quit my feeling both. Maybe is like cigarette. Everybody wish quit but also wish more. My life is addiction to dysfunction feeling. My brain is too busy I can sleep but nothing I wish to do. I need wine. Maybe I become alcoholic is better choice my life. |
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I start to read message board some. Is interesting. That force me to think my opinion and reason what I feel. Reason for same idea is very different from each person but almost same too. I try so many solution to my problem because I really do not understand my problem. Each solution satisfy me some but never really fix me. Maybe fix is not correct word. I cannot explain. Still I do not understand exactly what I wish. Even I discover that, what do I do? I never change my life, that is fact and never change. Recently I read about race play. I have some idea like that but maybe race is not major detail. Maybe reason is more any detail that separate me from other. Make everyone notice me even I hate that. General idea for me always include I am naked during everybody is mean and laugh to me. That is not wish attention but wish scared feeling. Not know my future is scary to me. Maybe I have too many reason for my problem. That confuse me because I search for certain reason. Maybe I think too much. Maybe that is problem. When I have activity my brain only concentrate exactly that time. Is stress that relax me? No idea. Some my friend enjoy scary movie or sad movie, maybe is same. I enjoy that emotion. It erase my brain and feed it too. Now I think activity. Everyone my family is sleeping so is good timing. Really not good location for activity here though. Is not same feeling I get during Mexico activity. Does not satisfy well. Maybe is too comfortable here and same time too much danger somebody see me. Here is not the same at all. I am separate from everyone but nobody care. Nobody notice. That is correct way but I hate it. I decide I enjoy everybody stare to me and talk I don’t understand what they say. I imagine they talk bad thing about me and make plan to embarrass me. Probably that never happen but I pretend that. Here that never happen because I understand what everyone say. Boring. Boring what they say and boring because it ruin my imagine. I really do not wish activity now but maybe I force myself to do that. I really wish something make me alive. I do not expect that but I try anyway. |
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Tonight I work to fix my profile. I hate to do that. Always what I write is confuse and stupid. That bother me. I do not understand why I enjoy some thing that embarrass me but other thing bother me a lot. Maybe what I do myself is bother me and what other person cause me is acceptable. No idea.
Tonight my house is quiet. My family have activity their friend except me. I think maybe small activity but worry my family notice I am not home they return. To have activity they are sleeping or they do not return same night is more easy for me. Tomorrow is predict rain and cold. That inspire my mood to have activity more. Maybe I explore some today to find new place to do that. Mexico was very convenient for activity. I have safety place very close my house and can find new place easily. Here is too tight. Maybe is good thing my feeling is more weak than Mexico. Sometime I wish my feeling disappear and I have normal idea. Sometime I really enjoy exciting idea scare me. Back and forth. Everybody my family is home few hours and some they wake up. I need to sleep some too.
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Everyone my house sleeping except me. My brain is too busy but concentrate nothing special. Really do not wish conversation. Maybe walk to somewhere help relax. |
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Eventually I quit activity the car. I become naked to begin that but no feeling. Weather was my favorite for few days but nothing inspire me. TV predict cold and rain more begin Thursday and end Saturday. Maybe my mood change. Just blah. Really do not wish any conversation anyone, even my family. I try to inspire my mood by imagine something bad happen to me. Maybe mean people stop me I walk hidden place. My mood is surrender easily. My mood is that way but nothing grow. Really that never happen here. Really never I scared other person here. Because of language, easily I imagine other person say rude thing about me Mexico. That fit to other person stare to me a lot. Always I talk my life Mexico. Is so uncomfortable for me but I adjust that feeling to positive. Maybe what I did is not correct way but help me survive. Here my life is steady. Repeat same activity. My friend enjoy that. Is boring for me. Only I write boring sentence. Help me though. I never think other person read. Maybe they do that mean they have more boring life than me. Sorry for you. I try to sleep. |
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Weather becomes cold more now. I enjoy like that a lot. Predict rain tomorrow too. If my mood is correct and weather is what I enjoy, maybe I consider small activity. No idea reason weather inspire me that way. Maybe reason is I notice naked feeling more. To have activity is more easy because coat is very convenient to hiding my purpose and allow me escape easily. Maybe that is mix for me. When I live Mexico, to become naked was more difficult because mostly I wear jean and blouse. To wear coat is very unusual. That prevent I can dress quickly so cause stress and scared feeling more. I enjoy that feeling but that prevent I can have activity without some plan. I only use coat few time here and is good for more activity I think but feeling is weaker. Mixed. Still my brain wander reason for everything I think. Often I have conversation my head only that topic. I discuss so many reason and excuse that explain well. Maybe each reason is responsible equally.
Today I find other person that is maybe like me some. Maybe her feeling is like me but mostly her activity is with other person. I never do that but is interesting I think that way for my life. Blah, blah, blah. My brain is tired. Just running in circle and never I find solution. Maybe strongest reason I enjoy activity is I become too tired to argue myself. Nothing is wrong my life, but everything sucks. When I have activity, my brain focus only one idea. Only think what I do that time exactly. Is big stress but still my brain relax because it worry only one idea. For long time I write diary what I did each day my life. I stop that when I become adult. That is like therapy. To write here is like that for me except I wonder other person read my life. Other person know my secret feeling is exciting but still I have safety nobody know me. I try video chat site few time but result is very mix. Is interesting so many people see and hear me, that is exciting, but also too many people mean I cannot follow conversation at all. Mostly I never expose much my body but more embarrass for me is other person hear me struggle to talk. What is say expose more my person than other see my body. Really I am so scared to be different from other person that any activity which everyone notice me cause terror. Everyone focus to me is embarrass and terror. I hate that but is very alive feeling too. Maybe any activity that cause feeling like that I search. Everything I think is opposite. Back and forth. What I wish I hate. What I do is never what I imagine but satisfy my feeling enough temporary. I expect my life was that way always would become boring. What I do is treat for my life. Like scary ride. Is exciting to wait it happen. Is scary when you do that and relax after it finish. To remember those feeling is satisfy for future some too.
My brain become busy with imagine some situation what I think. I imagine I force to be separate from everyone. Sometime I imagine Korean or Chinese group separate me. They are mean to me and force me embarrass from criticize and push me. I think what embarrass me more; they remove my clothes or order me I do that or they hurt me. Then everybody see my body and laugh my situation. They push and touch me. They force I obey embarrass command during they threat me. They order me to my knee and repeat insult to myself. I force to bow deeply and raise my butt more high then my head. Command is act like dog and barking. Everybody watch I crawl and wiggle my butt. Everybody pull my body but never I can react or they hurt me. Sometime I imagine like that. Sometime it is African persons or younger girls do that to me during their boyfriend watching me. I imagine I am different because of race, age or I am force separate only because of alone and naked. I hate everybody stare to me. Only they notice me and nothing I can hide or protect. Really is not sexy feeling, my feeling is emotion. Other person see me cry or force I obey embarrass order is humiliate me. Make my heart beat so fast and my body shake from scared. Time is 1am and now and I thinking activity now. I do not do that but I wish grow feeling I have now. My family is sleeping and only I awake. Maybe I become naked and sit the car. Is not big activity but always make me scared I open and close the door because of light and noise. Have to act quickly because light attract attention but close the door too quickly cause loud noise. I think I do that. Maybe I fall asleep and my family demand why I do that. Maybe I try to think other way to make more scary that I really can do. I cannot drive because my family notice. Problem is anybody notice cause big problem because is my house. Neighbor see me and gossip ruin my life and embarrass my family too. I cannot do anything that ever cause shame to other person. My brain is too busy. I quit to think and do something force me to focus other idea.
I become naked now and listen carefully anybody awake. I fold my clothes and leave expose the floor but my family never notice. Still to do that is dangerous some. I leave now and become sneaky. Already I notice everything happen near me more. Is like volume to my sense is maximum. I go.
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Today I read my profile and even I cannot understand that. Because I add some idea so many time, nothing I say fits well. I wish to replace completely but feeling is so weak my brain cannot explain at all. Maybe my feeling return I will try that. |
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Everything is blah. Only I do back and forth repeat . Really nothing interesting happen for me for long time. Even my brain quit to thinking exciting idea. I try search for other person enjoy idea like me but mostly nobody enjoy like that. Some message is interesting a little to me but my mood is not good enough to response well. Sorry. Mostly I use my computer because no ability for sleep. Just activity I do everyone sleep in my house. Maybe temperature become more cold inspire my activity. I enjoy like that more. No idea reason, just that happen. Only few hour until everyone awake so I try to sleep again. |
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10pm, I erase that photo now and sleep. |
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I have a lot of people ask me blackmail detail. I get tired to repeat so I explain here and ignore message that ask that more.
When I live Mexico, I cannot have chat because of technical reason. I only can do message to my friend here. I try some obey from message but result is not good. When I visit my friend that live Orlando, I have some boring time during she work. I try chat from her house and it work. I enjoy a lot but I visit only few day. Because my visit is so short, I hurry to do chat a lot. I make mistake and agree too quickly to have obey someone I do not know well. He give me order and watch me obey. I really enjoy a lot somebody see my obey embarrass order. I do that three times with him. Two time I have chat, his act is fit to me well. When we have last chat, he give me order and I obey some. After I become naked from order, he give my additional order to doggy pose and show detail some part of my body closely. When I do that, I cannot see my computer well because I turn away to show my butt. When I turn to get new order, he is with his friend. They all watch me for long time without tell me. I get angry some and quit chat immediately. He call me many time and I refuse. Then he send me video he make from chat without my knowledge. He tell me he show my family I do not obey more order. That video show my face clearly and he know some detail my life. I worry a lot he really do that. He send me many message with photo from chat to my real e-mail. I ignore and eventually he stop to bother me. He promise his act is not rude. He did that because he think I enjoy like that. We never agree that before he did that. I worry he only promise that to trap me more. That is reason I do not give many detail my life. I never tell anyone my city or detail they find me. Maybe blackmail is interesting to me but I cannot understand safety way. I trust someone enough to allow they do that, no danger. I do not trust someone, maybe they really ruin my life. Is back and forth like chicken and egg. Is not possible to do that. Please do not send me message to explain more. I explain here and do not repeat. Sorry, I am tired to repeat same response.
I have to being to prepare dinner for my family. They will return less two hour. Maybe I keep my computer one during I do that but mostly I do not look closely. |
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I add those photo now. I only keep that for today. I remove before I sleep tonight.
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Somebody just tell me the photo is not available. I try again.
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I decide to hide my face. That take me more time. I post quickly.
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I add some other photo too. I add my secret hint photo nobody notice and my favorite hypnotize photo my friend give me. |
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I try to add two photo to my profile today only. One photo is from the road near my Mexico house. That is place I always have naked activity. I show that place in my previous profile but nobody know that is same place I have activity. Is my secret that other person see exactly my activity place. Now I move so is safety I tell that secret. That photo is most close I can find to where I take naked photo the sales person see today. Other photo is naked photo I make for my friend and maybe to put my previous profile too. My name from that profile is what I write my stomach. Still I remember well that activity. I have big problem to remove lip stick from my body. Even I wash well, still I can see some. I avoid my family see me for few day after that. |
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Today I almost die! During shopping I have conversation with sales person about my trip to America. I still have my international phone my purse with photograph from my trip. I don't use that phone after I move from Mexico until America trip. I forget that phone still have some old photograph from Mexico. During she is looking my phone, my naked photograph is there! I make that for my friend, Kindly-san, but forget to erase! I never even show that photograph to him! Maybe she blush my than me! Other sales person notice our react to that and look to us but I take my phone before he can see. I cannot talk at all! I have no excuse or explain for that. I apologize she see that and leave very quickly. Maybe I never go that shop again. **(@_@)**
Only few people see me naked. Always that is my control and choice. This is accident. Is very uncomfortable to me. Maybe is more uncomfortable to sales person.
Only one time previously somebody see me naked without my permission. That is cause from blackmail person. That make me angry. Even I do video chat web site, mostly I am dress. Only quickly did I show my body and I choose that. Today experience make me embarrass.
Some part is embarrass. Some part make me laugh to bad luck. Maybe my mood is good I put that photo to my profile for today only.
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I finish to get ready for shopping. When I remove some clothes from my suitcase to prepare, I find my doggy collar *(^o^)*
I take that with me to Miami for activity but I never use. Maybe I do that for shopping today *(^.^)*
Weather is very nice today so no excuse for my clothes to hide I wear collar. I did like that because if order when I live Mexico. Collar was hidden some but some people notice. I am lucky they do not notice leash inside my clothes *(^_^)*
When I get that order, I expect collar is what bother me more but result is leash does that. Order was collar and leash during shopping. Leash inside all my clothes and panty. Extra leash is require to be visible from the front of my clothes. Nobody notice because that look like ugly design belt. What bother me most is leash move inside my leg every movement. When I sit, leash become so tight but only I know that. Require no reaction my face… is secret.
I do not have time for good plan so no opportunity for activity like that. Maybe I work for that idea for future. (^.-)
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I wake up almost correct time today. Still my body is wrong time but almost correct. I enjoy my trip a lot because my friend visit me. I am disappoint some because we did not return to her home but that is selfish reason. Mostly I did not consider secret activity because so busy other activity. When I visit her house before, I have enough time during she work to have secret activity. We stay the hotel is always other person near me so no opportunity. Also not much desire because of my brain is not boring enough to cause wander and stress. I do not write much today. Tired and I have so many errand to do. I have shopping, laundry, post to review and still tired. Maybe I become bored, I will write more today. |
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Today is last day here Miami. Only I rest and some packing. I enjoy visit with my friend a lot. Because my friend stay here and no correct place I can find, I quit to have secret activity. Here did not inspire me to wish activity much. Here is too busy and never can find location I feel comfortable to be naked safe. Only few interesting place but is so dirty from garbage. So many broken glass and dangerous object I worry injury. Mostly I do not consider activity because my friend and I are busy together. Nothing special, only talking and explore some. Mostly everyone is friendly but feeling is not 100% safety. We only explore major place for safety. Small shop looks very interesting but we agree is not correct place for us. Now is rest and relax. |
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My friend return to Orlando today. I do not go Orlando with her because my trip end soon. |
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Because my friend visit me, no secret activity. Even we have mostly no tourist activity because rain everyday (u_u)
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My friend arrive few hour ago. We did shopping a little but nothing special we buy. Everybody rest now. Maybe we have dinner tonight include my family. That depend weather. Maybe my friend will return Orlando tomorrow include me. Still we decide |
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I walk outside a lot. Some people notice me because of so many time I walk and say hello. Is polite but maybe that ruin possibility for activity. I do research some the land adjacent my hotel but no place I can find entrance. I consider parking area that belong my hotel near that land but is too many light. That parking is not so close the hotel but not acceptable. Other place is I describe behind the pool. Still some people stay the pool even now. If nobody stay there, maybe land behind there is acceptable. That is visible all the room but mostly no light and maybe interesting. Is easy I make excuse relax the pool and other person my family does not bother me. Maybe I sit without naked for experiment nobody notice me. Because of river there, is mostly no activity except pool and window the hotel. I surprise the company around the hotel never stop. I walk some first night very late and still they have working. Is like that entire the night. I thinking my brain is so broken. I travel other country to famous city and my brain think odd activity. Still I enjoy tourist activity but my brain concentrate so much my secret activity. My friend will arrive tomorrow. She has car and we will have activity some. No idea what I do now. Internet here sucks so I cannot watch Japanese TV show I enjoy. Except idea my brain suggest, is mostly boring. Maybe I go sit the pool for research other place (^_^) |
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Arrive Miami and rest enough to walk the hotel. I stay only hotel property because not sure outside is safety. Hotel is surround by gate even car needs permission and outside is more industry area. Hotel is very nice but outside is ugly. Here is very nice but inconvenient because of location.
I find empty land next to the hotel that look very interesting for activity but that place is surround another gate 100%. Some property the hotel is hidden some but visible all the room window. I walk that place few time for research *(^_^)*
My friend will come tomorrow and we decide what we do she arrive. She is not familiar Miami much and no idea we find something interesting we do. Nothing interesting we can find we go Orlando. We find something we like she quit work few day for stay here.
Hotel suggest some place for shopping maybe I go with my friend. Nothing much I do before she arrive. Maybe I do more research walk (^ ^)
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Van service will arrive less one hour. Still I have some preparation I do. Include pack my computer. No internet for few days. I go. |
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Today is busy I prepare for trip to Miami. Flight is afternoon but takes few hour to drive Tokyo. Maybe I do not sleep tonight to adjust some my schedule. Would be good opportunity for activity, but maybe I get trap naked so long cause me miss my flight*(^_^)*
Maybe tight schedule force me hurry and no choice other person notice me. *(@_@)*
Interesting but not responsible. Not much I can do. Mostly I finish to packing. Some thing I wait until morning because perishable . Except that, mostly nothing I do tonight.
I talk to some person that live Miami. Mostly I decide I quit to have activity there. So many reason. Maybe I change my mind I find good opportunity but mostly is 100% I quit. If my friend give me ride to stay her house Orlando, maybe I do. Reason for choose Miami is job other person my family. Is not required I be there. Nothing else I can write about. I try to find other activity to stay awake. |
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I go to factory place I have past activity. I only have simple activity though. Mostly is same to what I did but start opposite side. Nothing special except there is more visible. Change enough to be interesting. I become naked more open place adjacent the road. More dangerous somebody come but mostly that palace is empty night time. Nothing special happen cause me very big scared. I become separate my clothes but that night is mostly no other person. Only one car drive the road I store my clothes so nothing force me waiting. I did enjoy naked feeling from rain and cold. Still that feeling is unusual to me enough I enjoy. I walk to other building and follow road some but without something trap me is not cause exciting feeling I enjoy enough. Result is I quit less two hour. Enough my body shake from cold and wet but no shake from scared (u_u)
I try to learn some detail Miami but not much I can learn. I worry there is not safety for activity. When I visit my friend Orlando, she live more open land in safety area. I feel comfortable enough to do naked activity some. Maybe Miami is not that way. I do search some profile for other person live there but nobody is correct fit. Mostly nobody is same to me. Always is wishing sex or beat me. Maybe I am very special (^_^)
I feel some excite my trip to Miami but sad I think no opportunity for activity.
Time is near 4am and tired. I sleep now.
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Everybody my family is sleeping now. Still I wish activity so I do that. |
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Weather is cold and rain, that is my favorite for activity (^o^)
I talk to my Orlando friend and maybe she will visit me Miami. Possible she will stay for activity with me. Tourist activity, not embarrass activity.
I also talk with blackmail person (>_<)
I complain to him a lot. Result is mix. He promise his act is misunderstanding. Maybe I believe some. Because his act and chat worry me a lot, I will be more secret my detail. Always I return to alone activity is correct.
I do have more positive mood though. I might try longer activity tonight. No idea what I do but maybe I go to factory place. That place is very correct for me.
Maybe I do that next hour.
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Today is confirm we have travel to Miami. I have not gone Miami before. Maybe my friend visit me from her home in Orlando. Maybe I go to her home for visit. That depend timing and transportation. Schedule is maybe 10 days begin 26 June. |
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No idea my schedule today. Nothing important I need to do. Maybe boring all day. One person is home with me but that person leave next one hour. No inspiration for activity. My mood is distant from that idea. Today is cold and rain. Usually that make my brain imagine activity nighttime. Daytime just make me tired. Still big stress from chat problem. Some part I enjoy but chat is not my favorite. That happen too fast I cannot follow, not at all. Even general conversation make me tired, chat make me dead. Only part what I enjoy is my brain imagine everybody see my body. Maybe they talk about me to their friend. Ugly Asian woman become naked and show her body >500 people. They see flaw my skin and ugly flat butt. They laugh to no breast and wide nose. I have no private privilege anything because so low quality. Back and forth. I enjoy but is not safety I do what I enjoy. I hate what I enjoy. Tick, tock. I have to prepare lunch for my family member quickly, they will go very soon. I do not finish, they complain I waste too much time the computer. |
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Please stop to follow me on chat site. Even I do not chat for few hour, 40 more people add me. Near 2000 people do that. Is too many. Make me scared a lot. Please stop. |
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Maybe chat is mistake. I will cancel my chat name there. Sorry, but too many people make me uncomfortable. Now is close 1700 mark me even I do not chat more. Sorry. |
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I look that chat and 1600 people mark me to follow! Too many. Now I scared somebody recognize me. Maybe that is not safety I do more. Before I did chat only one person that order me. Mostly only he see me but one time he invite few friend to see me too. Like that is interesting but 500 is too many. I think alone activity is more correct fit to me. Still I cannot believe >500 people see me naked same time. (╯_╰) |
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I never expect more than 500 people see me naked same time! I still in bed and no makeup, so ugly. I worry someone recognize me because too many people. I never imagine I am naked more than 500 people see me! I expect maybe 2 people wish to see me. Old and ugly, nobody wish. Total my live maybe 10 people see me naked. Now 10 minute is 500! |
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If find naked chat. If anyone wish to see me naked, I let you see me. Only do that now. Maybe 10 minute only. Then I quit because maybe my family come home soon.
That place is chaturbate. My chat name is (I remove)
I remove my chat name from here because chat site keep my face. I do not enjoy my face is visible even I quit to chat. Sorry.
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Outside is comfortable temperature but is rain a little all day. I have not had opportunity to have activity the rain for long time. Make me wish activity. No certain plan but maybe I go to my favorite place and follow my mood. |
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No success to have activity the car. Really no plan I try activity the car or travel to other place to do that. Because of schedule, only less two hour is available. Result is not enough time and no good plan for any idea. I have force hidden for long time is my favorite. Without enough time I cannot do that so not satisfaction much. Additional is daytime require more careful plan for safety. Only option is be naked the car I driving but that idea is not interesting much. Maybe other situation I do that is interesting but not interesting today.
I get more information my travel today. Maybe Miami is correct but exactly date is not certain. I expect this month though. Not completely certain but mostly certain.
Tired now so I go to sleep soon. Time is after 4am so only few hour before my family wake. More calm today so I hope I sleep some.
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I remember I have car today. That give me some idea but not enough time for activity before I meet my friend. Maybe I try small idea. My brain really wish activity but schedule sucks. |
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My family all leave for activity. Nothing for me until few hour. Still my brain is so busy. I thinking of travel to Florida a lot. I visit to there last year is first time I ever have other person see me obey order. That make me ZOMBIE. Only is chat but I never do that before because that is not available to my home I live Mexico. I hate what I did but cause alive feeling a lot. My emotion is back and forth. Shame, scared, angry, excite. I am robot zombie woman! Now I wish that immediately but is day time now. I could do that I live Mexico but not possible here. Even I have plan, I have not enough time before other activity. Frustrate me. |
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My activity was interesting but maybe not satisfy much. I walk to other part my city to search activity place. That place is mostly farm and very open land. No good place to hide other person come there. I begin to quit activity idea but I really wish feeling from that. That place is very dark because of location and cloudy night and that convince me safety enough. I notice my brain become zombie immediately I decide I do that. I become naked and leave my clothes next to small road that pass between those field. I walk perimeter two farm field on road. Because location is so open, I notice other person or car easily but no option to hide my body. My brain pretend car arrive there what do I do. Only option to me is run the road to my clothes or run the field and lay the water. In my brain I wish that happen some. Force me I make immediate decide two bad choice. To do that from my will is more satisfy than other person force with physical. To obey order is more humiliate than someone force that act is my opinion. I walking naked that situation make my brain pretend I surround and other persons order me like that. Separate from my clothes remove option to escape that situation. Result is my activity is mostly boring. Nobody come so not dangerous at all. Open land is interesting but more busy place force me hidden some. Only what my brain pretend is dangerous. Is morning here now and mostly everyone my family is wake now. Still my brain is busy with interesting situation but I force to return my family. |
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Last night I stay up so late to have activity. Not difficult like previous activity but interesting to me. Maybe I write more detail but I sleep too late and that cause me very late to finish my responsibility. |
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I decide go out tonight for activity. No certain plan but I wish some activity. Today I have lunch with my friend and I really wish to reveal some secret my life. I do not wish activity with her but my brain think she will be shock. Maybe she tell her husband and my friend too. Nobody say anything to me but I worry their opinion of me. Maybe correct I do not reveal my feeling because is possible really ruin my life but pretend I do that is interesting. Problem is I really wish to do that. That make me scared enough my friend notice something bother me during our conversation. She ask I am ok and I make excuse I am too busy to prepare for travel. Result is my emotion is active and I really wish activity quickly. I think everyone will sleep soon nobody notice me go out. Scared feeling from today is grow to I want continue more. No activity for long time make me crazy. |
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My mood is so bad. I try to buy clothes for travel to Florida and cause stress. Some stress is my body. Additional stress is experience I have when I travel there last year. No idea if I enjoy or hate what I did. My brain repeat detail and makes me crazy. Sometime I hate what I did and other person act to me. Immediately my heart beat so fast and make me wish scary feeling more. Back and forth. Maybe problem is I act too quickly because only short time to have chat available. Some part is exactly what I wish but still I become angry to me. I never allow other person to see me obey before. I did obey order some but nobody see me and always big delay from suggest order and I obey. That allow me opportunity I adjust order and excuse. Other person see me I become Zombie. My brain complain to me but order my body do that. Maybe nobody understand. Maybe many people understand. Mostly other person does not wish same to me. Always is sexy. Masturbate or express emotion to them. I only wish embarrass and scared. Other person try blackmail to me scare me a lot. I get so angry but maybe I enjoy some. Confuse me. Obey friend is safety but maybe boring. Obey stranger is interesting but not safety. Is only internet chat but that person see my face. Maybe they never can ruin my life but scare me. Maybe that person only suggest that because I suggest that idea. Maybe problem is new order change a lot. I hate and make rule I never do again but I search for other person that live where I travel. I never have activity with other person but is interesting maybe other person watch my obey secret really. I struggle to imagine safety plan for that way. Maybe I only pretend that plan. Problem is what I wish is not same to what is possible. I wish very public shame but never do that. Secret shame is possible but not exactly correct fit. Maybe my activity is only argue within my brain. Some part suggest I send message to blackmail person. My instinct stop me. That person stop quickly I complain and ignore. Except nature of new order maybe I enjoy but hate too. Really that way is not my wish but no solution. That is reason I make rule; Alone activity only. Other person make confuse emotion too difficult for me. So many idea fill my brain is not possible I explain clearly, sorry. When I live Mexico, my situation feed my feeling so much. Schedule and geography allow interesting activity. Culture and race make me uncomfortable more. That fit my feeling exactly correct. Everything else my life suck, but feeling survive. Maybe if video chat was availably there I complain we move. Maybe no chat cause me act too quickly when available I visit my friend in Florida. I hurry because only one week visit and schedule my friend. Truth, I have excuse and no plan. I wish but refuse. Something I suggest happen make me angry but I suggest that. Stupid. I need therapist study my brain. Maybe that scare them. Maybe I go to sleep. Time is after 11pm but usually I cannot sleep nighttime well. Maybe I search for wine instead of evil person. |
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醜い! (＞。≪)
Today I go shopping at nice shop. That shop has strong light and many mirror in dressing booth. During remove my clothes I notice I become so ugly. No exercise since winter and old age. Not fat but loose body. No breast, flat butt and flat nose. I don’t like. Maybe is not so bad because mostly everyone here is same but bother me a lot.
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Mostly my journal is boring blah, blah, blah. That is truth. So what.
My feeling mature a lot from I begin my activity. Maybe I erase everything I write and begin from today. Maybe that is not useful too because my reason is back and forth with mood. No idea.
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Today is more possibility I go to Florida. Still not confirm exactly schedule or plan but mostly travel there is only 1 week. Maybe is not Orlando like before. Is possible Miami. I have friend that live Orlando but I think nobody I know Miami. I think they decide city within one week. Is not vacation so maybe boring schedule a lot.
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Still I think what that person suggest. Maybe I adjust that idea into very boring response. That is not on purpose, that is my personality.
Always I wish to explain reason for my feeling. Without I explain, maybe other person does not interpret my feeling correctly and cause misunderstanding. Additional reason to explain is without explain my feeling appear dirty or sexy. I wish to very clear that is not reason.
I think about original activity I have. Cause is result of I am so different to other person and I cannot understand language well. Mostly that is result of culture but inspire my feeling. Always I taught to be same to society. Different is embarrass.
To be only Asian that city is very embarrass. To not understand language is embarrass more and isolate. I imagine other person ridicule me without I know because of language.
That feeling occupy my brain a lot. I forget stress and boring. Maybe I enjoy other race idea a lot because I do not understand well other culture and no idea my future. Mostly situation I am very different because of age, race, nobody I know, culture and nothing I can hide or escape. Force naked and silly act everyone see me. Everyone know detail my shame and body with alone because I do not belong that society. I also enjoy other Asian too. Chinese or Korean be mean to me is embarrass a lot because of culture.
Really to be separate from others and everyone notice me is very scary to me and very interesting. No idea why I enjoy like that. All my life is work very hard to not be different. Maybe like that is hard work for boring result. My brain wish no work with big emotion. That way is never possible for me but alone activity is brief freedom.
Maybe is not correct I suggest certain idea for my feeling. Mostly ENF is my dysfunction and situation that cause that is flexible. If cause scared, alone feeling and embarrass mostly I would enjoy. I never can do, but I enjoy that idea. |
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Still I think what that person suggest. Maybe I adjust that idea into very boring response. That is not on purpose, that is my personality.
Always I wish to explain reason for my feeling. Without I explain, maybe other person does not interpret my feeling correctly and cause misunderstanding. Additional reason to explain is without explain my feeling appear dirty or sexy. I wish to very clear that is not reason.
I think about original activity I have. Cause is result of I am so different to other person and I cannot understand language well. Mostly that is result of culture but inspire my feeling. Always I taught to be same to society. Different is embarrass.
To be only Asian is very embarrass. To not understand language is embarrass more and isolate. I imagine other person ridicule me without I know because of language.
That feeling occupy my brain a lot. I forget stress and boring. Maybe I enjoy other race idea a lot because I do not understand well other culture and no idea my future. I also enjoy other Asian too. Chinese or Korean be mean to me is embarrass a lot.
Really to be separate from others and everyone notice me is very scary to me and very interesting. No idea why I enjoy like that. All my life is work very hard to not be different. Maybe like that is hard work for boring result. My brain wish no work with big emotion. That way is never possible for me but alone activity is brief freedom.
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Someone suggest I write idea that interest me. Maybe that is difficult and not my purpose. I do that some but my explain is hidden behind my feeling. Sorry. Writing my feeling force me to think my life and that is purpose I write my diary. Mostly is boring to other but so what. Some person I study can explain well what they wish and that help my life a lot. I cannot help other person because my brain is not clear my own life much. I do learn a lot though. Mostly I learn vocabulary that is very useful and makes me comfortable someone make word that describe my dysfunction. Maybe my feeling is common and that make me comfortable some. I learn new word yesterday that fit very well to me and that mix with what other person suggest. Maybe nobody ever read what I write because always my conversation is boring circle. I notice I do that a lot. That way confuse even me. I try less detail but always I return to blah, blah, blah boring.
My idea is; Mostly I search certain new word I learn that fit me well. Maybe is helpful I add those word to my profile for other person that search certain word like me. I never can help other person. I never wish help from other person. I repeat very strongly; Always my idea and activity is alone. Order from other person is not my purpose. Blah, blah, blah more.
My list of correct word;
1.. ENF – Embarrassed Naked Female. That is most correct for me. That suggest scared and shame without sexy. I enjoy that a lot.
2.. CGNF – Clothed Group, Naked Female. I adjust original word to fit me more. Original is CMNF but mostly gender of other person is not important. Problem for me, this word suggest sexy or lesbian and that is not correct for me.
3.. Forced Exhibitionism. Maybe is same to ENL?
4.. Hypnotism. I imagine maybe this force me to obey embarrass order but never it work for me. I try some but is not possible for my brain I think. Result is I quit this idea.
5.. Blackmail. I think this way after hypnotize fail for me. One person try to do this to me without permission and that bother me a lot. Is very interesting but I too scared to try more after bad history.
6.. Puppy Play. This grow from my original activity. To act like doggie is not purpose. Purpose is embarrass I force act like animal with other person see me. Mostly is path to ENF. Maybe any embarrass act, except sexy, is same result. I only attract to this because suggest embarrass more and not sexy. I think mostly other person that enjoy puppy act associate puppy act with innocent love. My idea is more embarrass.
7.. Outside bondage. Maybe not exactly correct. My idea is embarrass without option for escape. That is scary but maybe I force to obey order my own muscle and brain is more correct. Other method to prevent escape is maybe more my favorite. That is plan mostly my activity. Mostly to be separate my clothes is method for prevent escape my alone activity. That is only option available to me with correct result. That way cause real scary and embarrass situation and emotion. Always result is ENF root.
I try obey some order before and I really enjoy but mostly is not possible. Is interesting to have unusual order I never imagine but result is big problem to obey order. Additional problem is always other person wish sexy act or feeling. That is not fit to me, not at all, never.
I try chat and enjoy some but that way is too difficult for me. Still I struggle some word and my brain is too busy with translate to enjoy well. I did video chat some I visit Orlando and that way is excite for me a lot but is big problem too. That person record my act and suggest blackmail without we agree. That cause me stress a lot. Blackmail is not solution I think. I never agree that without strong trust of other person and strong trust make blackmail too weak to force obey.
Mostly I have success from trap my activity cause by poor plan or other person arrive during I separate from my clothes. I really enjoy to be scared during hidden naked without good plan or schedule for escape. To be hidden is requirement for safety. Scared other person see me inspire my brain to pretend that really happen to me. I never allow other person to see me naked on purpose. Always I stay hidden during separate from my clothes. Always.
During I write this my feeling build some. I really wish activity more but time is 3a and maybe too late to begin now. I never have activity close to my house and takes long time to walk to other place. Maybe some wine and sleep is better plan.
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Today I move some box and notice doggy collar I buy from Mexico. Quickly my brain remember detail from I buy that and activity what I did I wear that. Stupid. I embarrass my act. More embarrass is reason I did that is to feel embarrass. Maybe that way is what I wish. Circle. Embarrass that I enjoy embarrass. |
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Nothing I do now, my family is not home and I finish all my responsibility that I wish. Outside is very busy today. Nearly construction is finish the road that pass my house. The machine what I become naked before is working for few day outside my window. I only notice that is same machine today. I did not expect that is same machine because it was far from my house when I had activity. I wonder what that person driver think they know what I did that machine? Maybe my pose is like xxx calendar. I remember detail well most activity what I do. That activity was very dirty from wet soil and I fail to make my clothes stuck the top of that machine. My plan was force to climb that machine to retrieve my clothes. That idea fail. Only my clothes become dirty they hit the wet soil many times because my throw is too weak. Finally I quit to try and dress my dirty clothes. Still is interesting some to feel dirty inside my clothes during I walk home. Maybe I try more when that machine is not close my house. Is too dangerous for activity close where I live.
I did not have opportunity for activity during rain yesterday. Prediction suggest rain again Wednesday and Thursday here. Maybe that is possibility because other person have less activity during nighttime those days. Really there is not much activity here even weekend but weekday is even less so more safety. I do not feel strongly for activity but maybe less negative to refuse idea. Still I do not decide yes or no. Mostly I never plan advance because no plan is more scary for me and that fit my feeling more.
Maybe I rest for a short time before my family return. That maybe allow me to be awake nighttime during they sleep.
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I notice detail from other person profile that is interesting. Previous person that give me order explain forced exhibitionism is correct explain for me. Now I learn new word that fit my idea well. CM/W-ENF!
Meaning is Clothed Male/Female-Embarrassed Naked Female. ENF is me. I adjust some because other person gender is flexible to me. My brain pretend like that a lot. Mostly when I have naked activity I thinking like that. Other person force me naked everybody see me. Mostly other person laugh to me with small mean order embarrass me more. Not angry order, maybe silly order or be visible all my body order. I scared that situation very much. When I have naked activity alone I thinking that happen to me anybody notice me. Make me panic feeling and very alive. My wish is escape that situation but I force frozen, no choice, to be hidden. Maybe that simulate other person force me like that. Is difficult to make situation that force naked alone. Only method for me is separate from my clothes with occasional person travel closely to prevent me return my clothes. I enjoy no idea delay, no control outcome and worry result other person notice me.
When I live Mexico I have many situation that inspire scared. Mostly cause is other person stare to me because Asian is unusual. I notice they look to me and talking but I cannot understand what they say. I pretending they talk rude of me and laughing I am ugly or stupid. That make me feel embarrass a lot. No idea reason but I enjoy that a lot. Beginning that happen I do not have aware I enjoy so much. Maybe that happen when I have accident that make me fall very public place. I notice few people smile what happen to me. My clothes become dirty some but I require finish shopping. My brain thinking everyone look my dirty clothes and think I am very low quality. Maybe they think I am animal status. That idea grow to I force naked like animal. I force like dog with collar and leash. They make me eat from the ground and force me silly trick. That is reason I choose puppy name first. Mexico is first place I ever try activity to inspire uncomfortable feeling like that. I find this web site and decide my feeling is same to some profile. They do crazy activity more than me! I try simple idea to be naked outside my house. Only I stay my property but is outside and I never do that before. Result is I have bad luck that trap me outside for long time. Reason I become trap is silly and stupid. I forget the light outside my house activate from something moving near parking area. That activate all lights include door to my house. My instant idea is hide from the light and sensor behind car opposite my house. Result is I become trap because sensor notice me I return my house. I become terror and panic. I never expect that I enjoy that. I never expect that I require that feeling. Still I have strong memory every detail that activity. My heart beat so fast and I notice every detail x100. When few people pass my house my heart stop and I cannot breath at all. To be hidden I make my body very low quality position close to the ground. Then I feel something touch inside my leg and butt and my brain thinking bug! That make me wish scream and jump but I force frozen because other person is so close. Never I plan like that. Never I expect that situation occur. That make me crazy. That make me wish that feeling more. That make me forget all stress and worry my daily life. I really wish that more. Time is very late now, 3am. What should I do? Maybe too late I think activity plan. That takes long time and exactly correct opportunity. Tomorrow rain is predicted and that encourage me some. That make me cold, wet and more dirty from wet ground. I feel low quality and low status more from that. Other option; I have not had activity for long time, maybe good opportunity I attempt quit. Too much stress . Maybe solution is be naked and embarrass now but that is temporary solution my stress. Maybe sleep now is correct. Maybe I cannot do that because my brain is too busy.
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Maybe rain will happen Saturday is prediction. I thinking force activity because I enjoy very uncomfortable feeling from outside naked with rain and cold more. Additional is more safety because less person have activity to notice me. Still I have not enough motivation to avoid quit that idea. I think my feeling is stuck from no activity for long time. Some activity release stress enough I become motivate more activity that release stress more. Is circle. Problem is no entrance to that circle. I study my first profile some because I decide erase that. Maybe I quit that plan because of diary become lost. Mostly my purpose is diary help me sort my feeling. To read history include my feeling from activity renew memory and emotion. That is therapy to my life. Everyone my family sleeping now. They adjust always I awake very late hour. They know I have walking too. Everyone know I am stress. Maybe they discover my activity they think I become crazy too. My night schedule is common now they ignore. Maybe I walk now. No purpose. Maybe my feeling change to try naked walk some but very weak possibility that happen is my prediction. |
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No idea for me. I try to inspire ambition but nothing happen. I become naked many time today I am alone but my brain ignore what I suggest. Maybe is too safety because inside my house. I try that way because I wish motivate ambition I do more difficult plan but that is not happen. Maybe I have too angry to something and prevent my brain to wander. I feel anger some but not idea reason. Only activity I have is study other person profile but interesting profile is not interesting to me. Blah, blah, blah. Nobody care. Even I do not care.
I hear plan is possible my family travel to Orlando, Florida again for short assignment. Maybe that is problem. When I visit there before I follow order from other person that I do not enjoy result. Beginning is very exciting because I never have ability for chat or video from Mexico. That is technical reason. To be naked with other person order me and see my obey cause very interesting feeling. Mostly what I did alone require I be frozen for long time for hidden. That make my brain active a lot. To obey order other person watch me require I response immediately. That is very different feeling. My brain become zombie. My embarrass feeling occur some during obey but is most strong after activity finish. Result is that person become rude. I become angry. Some reason is what I did and response that person. One order is I pee but then they complain to me I do that. Is gross order that I do not enjoy but I do that because is order. Why they complain? Mostly reason is that person record my act and wish force me more activity. Maybe I enjoy that situation pretend but that person really do that. Blah, blah, blah. I get angry more. I quit more thinking now. Not sleepy at all but tired. I just stare the traffic pass my house and become zombie.
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Too much stress my life now. Nothing good or interesting. To have activity mostly help me flee stress but recently I do not have ambition to do that. I do not wish conversation even to my friend. I try to pretend scary situation my brain but that way does not progress. My brain is stuck, nothing move at all. Maybe I force activity help but I cannot find strength enough to do that. I have sour feeling inside that is very uncomfortable and prevent I sleep well. No idea for solution. |
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maybe i do not know exactly what i wish, but i know exactly what i do not want.
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Today I wish to cry. Maybe not from sad but cause from worry or scared. That way erase all thought in my brain and only present situation is remaining. Is stupid I wish that but is exciting for me. Other method like wine or hobby makes me calm but is not interesting. My life is not boring or bad and I never complain any detail my history, but I enjoy odd feeling a lot. Too much I come here to study what other person does and imagine that for me but I never do that way. Mostly my thought is plan trap for myself all day. That never work. I try to repeat mistake trap beginning I have activity but I cannot repeat that excitement. Maybe because that was other country and mostly I cannot understand what other person talk to me. I imagine they talk about me rudely and laughing from me. Maybe they never do that but I sick to imagine they do on purpose. My feeling is strong for cold and naked now but I refuse myself permission. I do not wish thinking but activity I wish is not correct solution. This bother me a lot. |
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Mostly I do not sleep well during night. I try very much to be busy my thinking to avoid my brain think embarrass situation. To think that way is interesting though. Only watch the window is boring. I try to be calm my thought but mostly my brain wish other idea. Maybe I am adicte to scared and embarrass feeling. Tonight I do not go out but that is difficult for me. I realy wish trap situation a lot this night.
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I feel boring tonight. I think I go out for activity. |
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I have exciting activity for two night. That feed my feeling a lot. I enjoy my brain remember scary feeling that erase too calm. I decide I go out more this night. I find road construction place that fit well my activity yesterday. I go there more this night. |
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I really wish activity tonight. Weather is 5c include mix snow with rain. Maybe is too cold a little but mostly I enjoy like that. I imagine ugly and embarrass feeling like wet cat in the rain. I try to think of idea for activity and excuse to go out for few hour. I really wish scared feeling so much. |
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My shopping was interesting but not really scary like other activity I did. I enjoy become naked during change to my coat and walking mostly. Shopping was mostly boring.
I write all detail for here but decide to difficult for other person to understand what I write. I begin to make more clear but is not worth it because not so interesting. |
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I try now. My family is bed and I explain I need coffee for morning. I worry maybe my family notice I wear coat inside and I decide to become naked near my house for safety. Is not so dangerous like activity I did before but no option because of my family complain. |
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1a and my body is bored but my brain is busy. I really wish was possible situation what I wish but that ruin my life. Maybe activity what I do and active brain is enough I am satisfy my feeling. I really want activity tonight.
My family complain to me some they notice I go out so late without good reason. Maybe I tell them what I did and they shock! Maybe they think I say crazy thing because I angry they complain to me. That is not my personality though. They would be confuse, that is not joke like me and they never think I really do that. Is very lucky nobody can look inside my brain.
Maybe I go to 7-11 with only coat and naked inside. I enjoy that idea. Is short ativity and maybe nobody complain to me. I try to think of something I need to do that. Maybe tonight I will be return with interesting experience for my diary more.
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I notice always I imagine activity night time. Maybe I enjoy sneaky feeling night time more. Few time other person is very close to me when I have naked activity but they never notice me. That is very exciting and only I can do that night time. Is very easy to be hidden in busy place. I study activity I did and only three time is day. Is interesting but always very short time and never satisfy me like longer time night activity.
First order I did for other person was daytime and my reaction is not like order to myself. Order is very simple, I remove my pants hidden public place and send photo to my friend, but because order is from other person is very interesting feeling. Mostly I have bad luck to obey order from other person so I quit that. Only few person understand well my feeling. Mostly other person that order me always suggest sexy feeling. Lesbian woman do that more than man! When I decide I try order from woman I think maybe woman can understand well my idea but suggest I think sexy feeling for her. I never can do that. Woman embarrass me is interesting but I never have feeling in my heart for woman.
For me, couple is most comfortable. Maybe because man is too scared of woman to suggest sexy to me (^0^)
Result is I decide too many problem to obey other person even I enjoy.
I will have lunch my friend today. That is same friend I have activity with before factory activity. I think I have too much wine for dinner with her and become brave or stupid from drinking. Maybe both. I wonder her opinion of me she learn what I did after I leave to go home that night?
I have to quit for get ready for lunch activity.
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320a and my brain is awake and busy thinking. My brain remember feeling I have from activity. I have imagine other person force me same activity and no idea next order to me. I imagine what happen somebody steal my clothes my last activity. I concentrate very hard that idea and pretend that really happen is enough I become scared and satisfy some. Always I return to imagine strangers do that to me. Force me naked and order me stupid act. Everybody laugh to me. Make me cry and abandon me without clothes. That idea follow different path my head. Sometime I force to hide like activity what I did. Sometime everybody notice me and surround me more. Make me feel so embarrass and scared. I never can do that but I enjoy to think that when I have my activity. Time is too late I go out tonight but my brain is so busy I wish activity now. I try to force sleep a little now. In few hour I have to wake for my life. I have activity with other person my life but nobody know idea my brain is imagine all day. They read my brain they think I am broken. Maybe evil person read my brain and force me to do that. I wish hypnotize is possible to me. Evil person read my brain and do that to me. My brain is too busy tonight. I pretend idea to my brain and immediately new idea replace original. I search something to force my brain other activity. Is not possible I sleep with my brain so busy with idea it imagine now. I write some my feeling is comfortable but also cause problem more. Make me think more idea. More idea make me think two more idea, my feeling become stronger, I write more; etcetera. Is circle that get bigger until I become crazy. Crazy more than now. I sleep. |
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Last night I have new idea I try. I decide very quickly, like order, so no plan to recover. I go to same place I visit before only I begin opposite direction. I go to sealed area and become naked there with no general plan. During I become naked my brain is thinking feeling that almost make me climb the wall and fence that surround that place before. I have idea to throw my clothes over that wall, that force me to climb wall and fence and become very visible naked or search route to opposite side. I did quickly before I think enough I quit that idea. I throw all my clothes and boot except my purse. Few clothes nearly caught to the top of the fence and scare me but nothing stick. That is good because I learn I cannot climb the wall enough to get the top. That would be big problem and my brain become very busy with worry. Is very exciting I trap myself, I enjoy that a lot. I try to climb some but the wall scratch my body and hurt me feet. Then I become so scared I cannot see well the other side of the wall so no idea my clothes are visible or maybe I cannot get, not at all. I think so stupid and my brain forget everything my life and concentrate only my situation. I go to the path between the building and wait the road for long time to decide right or left is correct. To be responsible my own shame is very powerful. I imagine order from other person to do embarrassing act or maybe they hurt me. I think feeling I remove my own clothes everybody watch me. My brain is very busy with idea when I become scared from shame. I peek carefully to decide. I had problem before that some place is block and force me to walk on the road naked I search for hiding place. I know right was minimum maybe 30 meter before MAYBE new hiding place, no idea. Left was no idea at all. That road is more straight so is possible I see well but also other person see me well too. I decided to try right even with 30 meter walk because I know that way a little from previous activity. I try sneaky a little but really that was not possible. To walk more to the road is very visible but hurt my feet less so I could walk more quickly. I pass the blocked place and also the other route I follow to there before. After that I had no idea for hiding place or route. That area is mostly factory and warehouse so no certain road or pattern. I passed two more small road that pass between building but skip because they look block to me. I notice I walk only my toes and not like old woman. Then my brain suggest maybe all the route is blocked, maybe there is river or train that force all those company to have sealed land. My heart feels so big in my chest! I was walking naked on the road and maybe I cannot recover my clothes! I decide I explore each opening between the building. My idea was maybe one company has no wall or maybe is small I can climb. I very strange feeling to be naked in odd place. I feel all my body. My body become very alert I even feel light touch me. Maybe someone call the police because I trespass or I activate alarm and lights. I have thousand idea tumble my brain and still work for plan. Still what I do is not what I wish but when I am naked and struggle for plan, my brain imagine scary idea enough to satisfy my feeling for scared and embarrass. I imagine discovered and everybody laugh to me and order me silly act, that imagine feel real when I am naked and struggle for plan. When object touch my body I imagine that is other person touch me. They judge my body and my person and complain old and low quality. My brain wander too much. Result for my activity; I force to walk so far, maybe over two kilometer include search each company for through path. So cold and my hair lay wet and stick my back. My body become dirty from press the building and wall and my feet cover with mud. Finally I find wall is not so tall and I could climb to cross to next road company. When I climb that wall I sit the top my leg spread each side. I feel the cold and wet stone on the inside of my leg and butt. I never feel that before. I think everybody can see me I sit above everything and combine stone touch between my leg I feel so naked and embarrass. I lift my leg over and scratch my butt so bad I lower myself to the ground slowly. I worry I injure my feet but result is red scratch to my butt and stomach. I worry my family notice and ask me reason. Some scratch is possible but not to my butt and inside my leg.
Someone come to my door and I notice time. I have to quit here for other responsibility. Maybe I try to finish later but mostly I cannot do. I lose detail of my feeling and is too difficult to relive my event if too long.
Sorry, but I do this for me.
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I feel like prisoner. Outside is cold and rain a little. That is my favorite for activity. Naked outside when weather is cold and wet exaggerate naked feeling and make me more nervous. I wish for good activity place more close to my house so I can do more. Now require good plan and excuse for long time absent from my family. Before I have many short activity quickly when my brain suggest. Now require advance schedule and most time my feeling is gone before that time. Big plan also ruin my feeling some, I enjoy some surprise and trap. When I live other country I hate but now I miss some. Is more easy for general life here but uncomfortable feeling to live different society and race is exciting a lot.
1245a now and I need to decide what I do. Time is correct for activity. No idea for excuse to go out and sneaky cause problem more.
My brain enjoy uncomfortable dirty feeling inside my clothes after my activity few day ago. That remind me my activity I have with grass to my panty order from my friend and also when I accident fall my butt naked to the mud during other activity. I think maybe I try more like that. Ground is wet from rain tonight, maybe I lay to the ground I begin my activity would be interesting.
I really imagine other person see me a lot. My idea is other person force me that situation and maybe abandon me that way for long time without any escape. I never know my future. That is never possible but I pretend that a lot.
I try to concentrate for excuse to go out. I really wish to feed my feeling immediately .
I am old woman and I act like stupid person. I have problem my personality. No choice.
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My brain is busy today. I need some emotion to satisfy it. Maybe I go out again tonight. |
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When I walk few nights ago I find new place that is not so bad. I try some naked there but not enough time for long activity. New place has not so busy road like factory place I find before. I think that is good feature. Still I do not enjoy as much as the few place I find in Mexico but is acceptable.
I did have some good trap that I enjoy. My favorite activity in Mexico was that way but I never plan that. Always was accident. Like that is safe but maybe I have to wait for long time to escape without other person see me.
I think activity what I did yesterday was not so smart, some lucky but mostly safe.
Place I have activity in Mexico was very close to my house and I know that place very well, I have many place to hide. Even I force to wait until morning one time, was possible I could abandon my clothes and return to my house hidden mostly. Eventually was possible I return to my clothes and I did not need that option but for safety that option was possible. Scary but mostly safe.
Yesterday activity I decide very quickly without good plan. I only wait few minute to count car that travel that road but I do not study exactly. Only I decide was comfortable. Enough car I maybe force to wait some but not enough I cannot return ever. I pick easy place to become naked that is possible I see clearly car or other person approach. I place my clothes on gas tank that is visible but only if other person think to notice that place. Before any car come, I run to opposite side of road and wait few minute next to wall that hide me one direction well. Quickly I feel very naked from so cold. My butt touch the wall I crouch low to the ground and feel very odd, cold and rough to my skin. My brain remind me that is not correct and make my heart go faster. I have no certain plan but my idea is get far from my clothes as possible. I have no idea what direction I travel because I do not know that place at all. I only see surface from the road few time, no detail interior that land. I try to run maybe 10 meter to new hiding place behind rice mill building but stone and debris hurt my feet too much I force to walk carefully. New rule I cannot run without pain make me scared more. I look to my clothes and think too visible, everybody that pass can see. My heart worry somebody see and think abandon or maybe they enjoy my clothes enough they take. I never can return to my house from this place naked, many people notice me. Even I cannot run without big injury. I almost quit but I feel wind touch my body everywhere and my naked feeling is so strong and scary. Only plan I have is search next place to hide that is opposite my clothes. I go to space between two building and follow that space to delivery area behind that building. Because of fence that goes to the road for that area, I force to be visible completely any direction for maybe 20 meters and cross new road before I can search for new hiding place. I decide act quickly and immediately move to find new place. So scary when I arrive to the end of that fence and think anybody comes now I have nowhere to hide for 20 meters any direction. I hurry to opposite side of that road and to place between two building but when I arrive there, that place is blocked less than 1 meter. First I crouch there to think plan but notice my knee is stick out enough anybody come they see me. I force to stand and press my back to the building and make my body flat. The building feel so cold and I think all my body is visible to anybody that pass me. I could not see well anybody come or search for new place without expose some from that place. So exciting I am force to make action from my own choice that maybe embarrass but also I have no choice but to do that! I hurry beside the road to the next space I think was safe. My brain scream “I am walking on the road naked! My clothes are two road from me and I have no idea for place to hide.”
I worry I have no idea anybody steal my clothes. My brain divide next action and what happen somebody notice me. My brain is so busy and my heart nearly explode. I run beside the road even my feet hurt because no idea this road is busy. New place is not far but distance feels very far because of situation. I have nothing! I cannot hide my body or protect myself, not at all. Impossible I explain reason to other person. Maybe they call to their friends and everybody stare to me and laughing to me. Even I run to my clothes they follow easily because I cannot run well. Maybe they steal my clothes before I can dress and force me to walk to my house naked. So many idea fill my brain. I order to myself one more step to new hiding place and then quit back to my clothes. I follow between building to storage area that is sealed with wall and fence. I go to the most far part and think maybe I climb that wall to search next place. I actually begin to do that! It hurt my feet so much my brain stop me. I frozen that position for only very short time but I notice so much. Is like time stop for me. I notice my position and think my leg is open, my breast is pressed to dirty wall and mt hand is above my head holding tight the fence on top of the wall. I feel the wind touching me everywhere. I look around me and notice the place I am is very open. So many place other person can see me easily. Maybe they stare to me now and I do not notice. Maybe they hurry to confront me now. So many odd feeling. To have common outside thing touch my body that I never feel without clothes. That moment I feel so scared and very alive. That feeling is what I enjoy. I remove from the wall and stand my back touching the wall for I think very long time. My heart beat so fast I look around me and feel that place is so open. I close my eyes and put my arm to my side and leg open a little. I think still I have walk on the road and cross the first road where my clothes are. My heart imagine my clothes are missing or maybe somebody find them and they wait there to decide reason somebody leave clothes there. Maybe somebody arrive while I have my eyes closed and watch me now. My body was shake from cold and scared. I feel so cold outside but inside my body is fire from scared. Is not long time like that but enough time my brain explore so many idea. Return to my clothes is exciting because no choice. I forced to do it. I return to the area between the two building and walk to the road. Maybe half way I notice one car pass that road. I worry what happen I did not delay exactly the time I did? Maybe I would more far and be walking the road when that car pass. Still I had to do that! Even no car come then, I have long walk to the fence before next building. When I get to that road I wait long time. When I wait one more car pass me but I was hidden well and they never see me. Still that make me scared more that road become busy because of time and now is not possible nobody see me. I peek many time to search car. Each time my heart stop before I did. I think what if someone walk that road same time I peek? Place I come from is sealed and so open. Mexico was always place to hide, here is opposite. After no car for long time I run on the road to the fence and then 20 meter more to the building before I stop. My feet hurt so much I think injury. I sit to the ground to look my l dirt and rock my butt and hurt some. My brain remind me I am naked and feel embarrass. The dirt and stone stick to me some because wet and I think how dirty. I clean my feet enough to be certain no injury and same time more car pass! Maybe five! Lucky is good but I think I am very stupid. I return to the rice milling building very easily and I see nobody bother my clothes so lucky for me. When I return to the wall near the road I cannot see well because the road is bend. When I become naked I could see well then because the road was bend to favor that place and I did not think any problem to cross opposite way. Now I have blind one direction so I have to guess time enough to cross road and extra time to dress again. My brain think maybe cars will come together because of traffic signal so I wait for next car to pass then cross immediately after it pass. Mostly my brain is lazy but scared because naked and trap make it work so hard. That make me more scared it think of possible problem and I enjoy that cycle. I wait long time for any car to come from that direction and during that time two car come from direction that can see me! I force to crouch and hide they pass. Because of bend in the road their lights do not shine to me much so nobody see me but still I frozen for long time after they pass. I worry they see me and return but nobody does that. Finally car pass me from blind direction and few second after another car pass. I think lucky I delay but also my idea that car come together is correct. I cross to my clothes and my eye search for more car and other person. I dress so quickly and immediately I notice some dirt still stuck to my butt is loose in my panty. That feel so bad but no choice, I worry take too long to undress to brush my butt and not important. When I finish to dress my heart still beat so fast and dirt in my clothes and boot remind me what I did. That make me remember order my friend give me when I live Mexico. That order was to fill my panty with grass and plant before I dress. Then order was to go to the fancy hotel near my house before allowed to return home. There I wear jean and that make the grass rub to my leg a lot. The feel so dirty to me. This time is not grass but only some dirt and very small stone but still I feel. Is like secret if somebody talk to me that is embarrass they know.
Truth is I try to write about my activity immediately after I do but this take two days to write. I have not written so much in long time and without practice is difficult but to do that is interesting to me. My heart beat faster when I remember detail and try to explain my feeling. That is almost as interesting as when I have activity. Nobody read this because so boring but I think still somebody does and know what I did.
End result is I do not think I do like that again. Is too dangerous to be naked in place I do not know well. Because of safety I think emergency escape plan is required. In Mexico I could always run to my house with only short distance expose to view but here is too far to do that. I try to think of new way.
To write detail my activity is interesting and make me think maybe I try more activity but no good plan or good place. Time is only 1030p and too early for safety. Other problem is my family complain I always wish walking so late. Outside is no snow and -3. I enjoy cold because it make me feel more naked but too cold is not so good for me. Now I need some activity to keep my brain calm. Maybe I read or call my friend. Maybe just some wine and early sleep for me. I go now.
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I do have IM. No, I will not give you my IM unless I know you well. No, I do not enjoy IM even to my friend because is too fast for me. Yes, I am stupid because I still need dictionary for some word and I don't understand most slang words at all. Sorry for you but that is my feeling. Mostly I only come here to write to my journal. If you ignore what I write, I ignore you back. |
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Lately I get more intelligent message from more polite persons. Still is not correct idea for me but is polite. I get tired of stupid and rude. Maybe is not good because stupid message makes me angry I quit to thinking my activity. Now is midnight and I am thinking maybe I wish to try activity. No idea what I do or place but I look what give me inspiration.
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I walk more than two hour but my mood is not improve. I go to factory and consider activity but there is not many possibility new idea, only same activity what I did. That activity does not satisfy me enough. I wish explore more but too cold and I worry my family complain. Soon everyone finish breakfast and leave then I expect rest. Nothing I can do daytime. Maybe I go with my friend for shopping. |
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I go out now. No purpose. Just wish other place. |
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I Look out my window all day. My brain is crazy. I think my response from many situation. I think what happen to my life? How do I live? I remember feeling I walk Querétaro, everyone watch me. Is very uncomfortable life. My heart beat so fast and all of me become suspicious everything.
Today my brain think no more snow so nobody notice I walk to odd place, but temperature is too cold for safety. I guess what schedule for business that factory use. I experiment many plan in my brain. My personality is broken.
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3a and I am so tired. I try to explain difficult idea to other person and make me so tired. Conversation is more difficult than diary but sometime question force me to search new direction. Few conversation is interesting but more I do not enjoy. I go to sleep |
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Most message to me suggest rape and sex. Nobody understand. My idea is other person laugh to my situation. My idea is scared, cry and embarrass. Problem is I can never do that without big trouble my life. Activity what I do is not exactly my idea but my activity is most correct activity possible for me. Thank you to suggest idea to me and guess reason for my feeling but I am certain my feeling is not rape or sex. I really do not ask other person for help. Here is like diary for me. To write diary help me. Writing force me search feeling and words to explain. Additional is some shame other person know what I feel and did. Not exactly what I wish but here is maximum possible. Sorry. |
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Here is no good place for activity. I walk to factory again but that place become too active when I arrive. When I go there previously, only few car and mostly no pedestrian. That is correct for me. Maybe I do research when that place is abandon. Too cold and too far to guess correct time. |
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3a and cannot sleep. My thought is so busy. Maybe I walk to other place I have activity. I need something to make my heart beat fast. I never understand why I enjoy scared feeling so much. What is problem I search for feeling other person hate? Stupid. |
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I sleep late today because I cannot sleep well nighttime and walk some. I think some activity but close to here is not good location. Few place I try undress some but is not comfortable and without full naked my feeling is too weak. Additional problem is other person can see where I walk because of snow and I worry they follow me because I walk to hidden place maybe I should not be. Mostly nobody does that but maybe because of time they worry their property. Still I did undress some. To feel cold temperature touch my body make me scared some and I enjoy that feeling. Result is nothing is satisfy me much this night. Maybe I try more but that require I go to other place and take long time. I worry my family complain I gone long time and very odd time. No idea. I think I go to shopping now. Something I need to change subject I thinking. |
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Outside is snow a little now. Cold temperature make me think activity but maybe is too cold. Too cold is not safe I think. Still I look outside a lot with idea. Is past 4a but maybe I walk some. Maybe I get too cold I can ignore my idea more easily. I cannot sleep so I do that. |
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6a and I still too excite thinking detail my activity for sleep.I need to sleep soon. |
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I just return home and feel very alive inside. I return home alone from activity (drinking a little) with new friend and cold weather make me think activity I do I live Querétaro. Temperature is maybe 6c and rain a little. Suddenly decide I find place to become naked and make promise I do that with myself… like order. I so scared because is not place I know well but I did. I copy closely Queretaro activity that excite me most. Place I choose is mostly empty because of time but some car pass a lot. I become naked at place that is a little hidden from road but very close too. Immediately after naked , I closs the road to be separate from my clothes. I stay hidden at place like factory dock or truck depot. That place is very dark and cold feeling. That make me feel naked a lot. I feel scared to be naked odd place. My heart race I worry other person notice me there. So many feeling I have. I notice everything that happen near me. I feel everything that touch me. I stay there for long time. I become so cold and scared. When I return to my clothes, everything become wet and feel dirty to wear. That feeling is gross and embarrass. Maybe is not interesting to other person my activity is so boring and I do not explain detail much but is very exciting to me. I think feeling more than my act. |
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Maybe;
Blackmail = Hypnotize ?
Maybe result is same. Cannot refuse order.
Maybe hypnotize is real that is no limit.
Blackmail is limit with blackmail order = reason of blackmail.
My brain is too busy
(◎_⊙)
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Someone suggest activity to me that is very interesting. Maybe what they suggest is not correct for me but what they suggest make me struggle my feeling strongly for long time.
I cannot explain clearly but my brain is busy a lot.
(⊙_◎)
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Tonight is cold with little snow. Cold temperature make me think a little to activity. Some my activity Queretaro was cold night. That make my naked feeling very strong so I cannot ignore my situation. Even my body shake I cannot move or other person notice me. Cold object touch me I cannot act at all. I hold all my emotion inside is very alive. That way is very interesting for me but now is maybe too cold (-3c)!! Maybe dangerous for me. Still I think activity again some. Maybe I notice place to have activity but mostly I cannot find here (个_个)
Before I feel stress a lot. Now I begin to feel boring. My life is only everybody stare to me or nobody notice me. Maybe so different is scary and stress but is also alive to me.
Time to sleep. |
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Many people think every person in Japan live Tokyo. That is not true. Japan is not so small country.
Some person think they visit Japan, I will meet them without conversation. Only one message to me they come here. That is stupid. I do not feel confortable meeting person I talk to many time, I never meet person I never talk to. Stupid.
Do other person really do like that ? I think is like prostitute they wish.
Additional; Most time I look collarme use my phone. Collarme still log in but I already leave. |
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Some words I enjoy.
Humiliate. Blush. Cry. Shame. Scared. Panic. Worry. Bully. Laugh. Crawl. Timid. Intimidate. Naked. Disgrace.
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Maybe activity what I do is boring to other person, sorry. What I do is acceptable to me enough. |
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Always my life is act same to other person. Act different or other person notice me is very embarrass. Sometime my life that happen and make me scared I almost cry. I have imagine other person bully me. I force very embarrass act that everyone notice and laugh to my situation enough I cry before everyone. Something is broken my personality I wish to cry some.
Never I imagine my situation is sexy but maybe I force naked with order humiliation act.
Never I do that. I only have imagine that situation. I have some activity alone that satisfy my feeling but never will I do that with other person.
Detail my activity is very boring to other person here but is interesting for me. I never change.
Few month ago I move from Mexico and mostly my feeling is disappear. Some reason is I become invisible again. Other reason is no opportunity or location for activity.
Mostly I never respond to message, sorry. I have no plan and nothing to say.
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Mostly I do not read message other person send. Sorry. Is not rude on purpose. Because of bad history with other person, mostly I avoid other person to my activity. Sorry. |
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