I had never in my wildest dreams thought that the two simple words of "good girl" could be described as beautiful. Just thinking about them make my heart race and my spine tingle. To think that I haven't even truly heard them... I can only imagine how it would feel to have those words whispered in my ear as opposed to skimming across my screen, dead and lifeless. Another thing I had never fathomed? How the lack of a voice to go with a name can be painful, how much it hurts. It's... crushing in a way. Deprivation doesn't begin to cover the feeling that the lack of sound from a voice you terribly want to be familiar with causes.
I cannot begin to explain how this shift in me has happened, nor do I honestly care. I'm beginning to feel more and more like I should be kneeling by His side; basking in His presence, His affection, His care. I never thought that I would be the woman to want these things in this context, but what does it matter? I'm happy, and if that happiness is reliant on a man's pleasure with me, then so be it. The thought of disappointing Him physically pains me, which is a new experience.
I like that I'm not just a plaything, I'm a person, a woman, a voice. I like that He's patient and kind and giving. His willingness to share with me, to be there, to laugh with (or at) me if necessary is beautiful. I have never been so eager to please and so loath to disappoint in my life, which both scares and excites me.
I can't wait to see the next "good girl", the next small token of praise that is given me, because I know that it comes from Him. The fact that I am now bigger than myself, that I'm joined with another in a deep and satisfying way; one that is built on trust and understanding is... magnificent. |