Sad day today. Sold momma's car. It was the last big thing she had. While I still have everything else of hers. I miss her so much and looking through the car one more time it brought up a flood of emotions. I miss her so much.

I get so tired of trying to do things to please my grandmother and it not ever being enough. Bless her heart I know shes not as young as she use to be but at times it doesn't matter what i say or do its never enough. I help with something and i didn't do it right. I stop doing it and then later on she gripes cause I don't ever help with anything. Its a never ending cycle it seems. Well thats my rant for now.

Mother's day is tomorrow. A day I love and a day that brings me great sadness. This will be my 3rd year with out my mom or my grandmother on my dad's side. Two strong people who  both were my best friends. They died about 6 months apart. Grandmother in July of 10 and Momma the week before Christmas the same year. It hasn't been easy and even to this day I still have bad days.  Love you momma and grandmomma

Once again I find myself depressed. If that's what you call it. I know I should be over this but how do I make this feeling of worthlessness and unwanted go away. Even before I came to this website I have felt like this.  Sometimes i belive my ex husband is right. That i had it made with him and that no one would ever want me.. A few other things he told me that i believe as well. I know I shouldn't but the more I get out and I am around other people the more I find it to ring true. I know I should be over it by now. I just hate feeling this way.

It's been a while since I've written once again. Busy times I suppose. That and I am just discouraged  I try to stay positive about things but it's hard to. At least I find it hard. The weight I had lost I've gained back. Its partly my fault. I know what I need to do. I'm trying to undo the damage I've done. I try to not be an emotional eater but I suppose I am. Sometimes I just feel like nothing is ever going to go the way I want it to. Every time I think I might be able to get ahead I don't.  At least I am working more that's a plus. Yet I still live with my grandmother which is not bad. I guess I'm just ready to handle things on my own. Yet still I feel broken.  Being a Christian I know I am not alone and I'm not here to preach to anyone. I have my faith in Jesus. I know you think i'm dumb for being here. Yet even though I know He is there. I still feel empty and alone. There are days it just eats me up. No I'm withering in self pity. I just don't know how else to express how I feel expect through  typing. No one around here really gets just how I feel. *sighs and closes journal for now*

As I sit here and think. I think my time here has worn out. No I am not going to delete my account nor am I going to hide my profile. I will still keep a check on things from time to time. It just seems at this point in my life that maybe this is not the life for me. Even though in the back of my mind it feels right. I guess after hate mail and what not I am just not sure anymore. I know I still have a lot of issues to work on and I am. Its hard though. You can tell me to just get over but its not exactly that easy to just get over. I wished it were.  I guess I am just in a funk right now. I have been thinking a lot of my momma here recently and I miss her still greatly. 

Just browsing through profiles and something that most Dom's talk about is training. What exactly is it You are wanting Your sub to learn. True most just train their subs in what they want what they don't want and all that jazz. But think about it though for a moment. Shouldn't it be more of wanting to get to know you and you getting to know Me. In time things become natural and for some and not all its already natural. At least I think it is. To me and this is coming from someone who hasn't had a Dom in real life. If and when a sub does meet the right One won't things just happen naturally? Why train them as if they are some dog learning a new trick. I know not all Dom's don't see it that way its just how my mind thinks sometimes. In a way is the sub not training the Dom to what she likes and doesn't like as well? I mean I have things that I just will not do that maybe a Dom likes. I might not like it but why train me into doing something that I might not enjoy or find uncomfortable? I know there are a lot of Dom's who don't care about feelings or how a sub feels but to me that just doesn't make sense. You have to care for them a little or otherwise they wouldn't want to be with You. At least I wouldn't. Anyways yeah thats my thoughts for now.

Can not believe that it's been a full year since my granddaddy died. I miss him so much. He was a quiet man and didn't have a lot to say but when he said something you listened. To watch this big strong man waste away was not easy. Watching him suffer and not eat the last two weeks of his life was really hard. Knowing that he is in heaven watching over me is priceless.  Granddaddy this song is for you. Even though you only had two kids 5 grand kids and 1 great grandchild this song sums you up.

Born the middle son of a farmer
And a small town Southern man
Like his daddy's daddy before him
Brought up workin' on the land
Fell in love with a small town woman
And they married up and settled down
Natural way of life if you're lucky
For a small town Southern man

First there came four pretty daughters
For this small town Southern man
Then a few years later came another
A boy, he wasn't planned
Seven people livin' all together
In a house built with his own hands
Little words with love and understandin'
From a small town Southern man

Chorus:
And he bowed his head to Jesus
And he stood for Uncle Sam
And he only loved one woman
(He) was always proud of what he had
He said his greatest contribution
Is the ones he'll leave behind
Raised on the ways and gentle kindness
Of a small town Southern man
(Raised on the ways and gentle kindness)
(Of a small town Southern man)

Callous hands told the story
For this small town Southern man
He gave it all to keep it all together
And keep his family on his land
Like his daddy, years wore out his body
Made it hard just to walk and stand
You can break the back
But you can't break the spirit
Of a small town Southern man

I just want this feeling to go away. I don't understand why i hate myself so much but i do. I will never be worthy to anyone. These lyrics are the best way i know how to explain how i feel. 

"Because Of You"

(with Kelly Clarkson)

This has got to stop for me. I know I am the only one who can stop it but why do I let it annoy me to no end. Its this whole business of being alone. 8 years is a long time to not have been out on a date let alone sex which is the furthest thing from my mind. I hear of people getting married and what not and during this time of year it just hits me harder. I yearn for strong arms wrapped around me at night. I know in time I will have it but I am not getting any younger. I just wished something else good would happen to me. The best thing that has happened is my son. Now I am just ready for the next best thing. Even though I am not actively seeking it I still dream about it.  Hope everyone has a great 2013

Why is it so hard to be strong? I find myself asking myself that question a lot. Come this Saturday it will be 2 years since I watched my momma die. I think it was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my 31 years of life. I still remember her last words to me. It was just a normal day. She went to work the next morning and then came home. By that afternoon she couldn't breathe and laid unconscious on the floor of her home in front of the door. She never woke back up but I called her a couple of times and she groaned and then that was it. Her heart stopped beating early the next day. Sometimes even now when I close my eyes I can see her laying there. Even though the house is gone I can still see it. Sometimes it feels as though it happened yesterday. Its hard being the rock for everyone else and the only place to come apart is alone in my bed. I keep going on cause I know its what momma would have wanted. 2010 was not exactly kind to me. Everyday is a struggle but I guess I will keep being that rock. At least until I find arms that I can just fall apart in and crumble.

Its been a while since I've posted. Not to much has happened I don't suppose. I've had good days and bad days. The driving is getting better. I am worried about my son though. I am not sure if its his Adhd meds or what but the past few weeks everytime i tell him no or something he cries. He also has this thing where he wants to wear his flip flops. I've told him no and he even forgot about them for a while but every so often he will ask to wear them i say no and he cries about it. Maybe hes just entering into that stage. Yet sometimes I wonder if its the mass or something else. I've found a couple of new tumors. Sometimes I just want to hide but I know i can't.

With little league footballs and in the spring and summer baseball and even basketball. I feel so bad that my son can not play those sports. The doctors don't want him to.  It also saddens me that I see his peers growing and maturing and while my son is growing his maturity level is not quite up to theirs yet. Alot of times I find myself blaming myself for him having NF1 yet I know it was a genetic mutation. Though i do blame myself for not getting the prenatal care that I should have and amongst other things. I hate feeling as though I have failed my child and that he can not do the other things his peers can do.

I sit here and wonder. While I have many freinds will i  remain alone for the rest of my life. I have a feeling I will. Its been a bit since i've written. Celebrated another birthday.  Right now though for some reason I'm just missing my momma alot more then i have. Perhaps its just one of those self pity moods I'm in. Even though I have tons of friends and family i still feel lonely.  Just wished the feeling would go away.

Well I wonder if i will always remain hidden away. I suppose so since I am lacking in the trusting department. Yet I wonder will a Dom ever take that chance and step out on a limb so to speak and break away at this wall that's around my heart. That's also protected by briars,thorns and barb wire. Will a Dom ever find me worthy enough? I like to believe that I am a good girl. I am respectful to all unless otherwise i don't think they deserve it. I just want to shake this feeling of loneliness.

Well tomorrow is it. I go for the driving test. I'm so scared. I did drive today from the store home. I did pretty good. No slowing down when meeting cars. But still. I don't know why I am like this. I know it needs to be done. I keep praying hoping that I will get through it and pass it. So for those who do believe please pray.

Well I went to take the permit test again. This time I passed. I am so happy I got that part out of the way. The next thing though is the driving. As scared as I am about it I think I will do good. I can only think that I will and hope that the tester is nice haha. I've lost about 20 pounds now. I think it will be about 21 after I weigh in tonight. I am so proud of myself for losing this weight. I know not only for my own health but so that I can always be there for my son. He is the light in my world. I know most of my journal entries have been negative but I have to find the positive out of everything. Its hard when things are not going your way or things seem to be so hard. Thank You all for the support You have shown to me.

Its been a few weeks since I've last written. Vacation was great. I was outside earlier with my son. There was a warm breeze yet it was just cool enough to be pleasant and not overly hot. He went to catch fireflies. Watching him and hearing the frogs and seeing the moon reminded me of songs my momma use to sing to me.

"Hear the songs of the frogs in yonder pond. Crick crick circkty circk burr rum.

"I see the moon and the moon sees me God bless the moon and God bless me."

I love the memories that it brings even though at times they bring tears to my eyes. I've sung them to my son and he gets a kick out of it every time.Thought I would share some of the memories that I have.

On the eve of this Mothers day. I can't help but think of my momma and grandmother. I miss them both so much. If Your momma is still around give them an extra hug. You never know when that could change. As a 29 year old who lost her momma when her momma was only 49 its been hard this past year. Well this will be the 2nd mothers day without her. 2 years since she died will be in Dec. If I could have told her more often that I loved her and how much she meant to me. I regret telling them both how much I loved them. 

Here is a poem I found.

She is Gone
You can shed tears that she is gone
Or you can smile because she has lived
You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her
Or you can be full of the love that you shared
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday
You can remember her and only that she is gone
Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what she would want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

David Harkins

The last entry was more of a rant then anything. Its sad that people have to be so childish. Yes I am probably that way too. Yet now that my blood has cooled down I'd like to take a moment to say thanks to One person who has helped me a lot. Silent Warrior from Dark Desires. Oh there have been several others. Hes just the first one that comes to mind. Him and his have welcomed me with open arms and never once placed judgement on me. If anyone has questions You can ask him. I am sure he wouldn't mind. I am thankful for the Friends that I have made here and hope to keep the friendship list growing. I am sorry this is so short but well just wanted to say it.

Haven't posted in a while and thought that perhaps I should. I guess I can give a little more background. I get all kinds of questions about having a real life Dom and the sort. Let me start off by saying that I have never had a real life Dom . I started off role playing in msn chats when I was 18 years old. Mainly in the general and interests if I recall correctly. I noticed some others playing a slave and thought I would give it a chance. I became hooked in writing stories and coming up with adventures and all sorts of things. At the time I never thought about it being a real life thing. Just something to create within my mind and write with others about .Years go on and my characters that I played would become slaves some would become more then that. MSN soon closed their chats and some of us moved to a place called eyechat. (closed down now) Well it wasn't exactly what I was looking for so then along came Oasiz.net (still there with my characters). I took some time away because as some book writers get writers block I too had gotten bored. (besides internet had been cut off thanks to the ex hubby) After moving back home I started to get back into it and found that I missed it especially playing a slave. Now I know many of you are thinking that I am some sort of fake. That is not the case. No I am no expert but that is beside  the point. Anyways after getting back into the story making part I heard some talk about them wanting a Dom or Master in real life. This caught my attention so I started to look around and found this site. I'm glad I decided to join. Most people here are friendly and open to me wanting to explore the real life aspect of it all. Even in chat rooms I have made some really great friends. Dark Desires is where I am at mostly. No I have no dark desires just like the friendly atmosphere there. So I guess this is about all I have to say. I know people will judge most do but I am still curious about learning how it works in real life and well if this is the path that is right for me I hope it to be one full of blessings and rewards. Perhaps someday a flower can bloom.

Another long week has come and gone. Its been a tough week that is for sure but it is through those tough days that makes me stinger even though there are times I don't exactly feel it.

I've done a lot of thinking this week and well just when you think you are doing ok on something bam something else hits you in the face. The funny though is that I really have no one to share those things with. Because if I told family members how I felt there would be war world 3 and well everyone would have to take cover cause who knows what kind of nuclear bomb would go off.  Sorry for that try at having a sense of humor. I can't write how i feel on pen and paper cause of nosy eyes. So here is where it gets put.

I question myself these things all the time. Why do I have to be so sad. I am grateful for the loved ones still around me no matter how bad they hurt me.  I am grateful that I have a son that even yes with his medical stuff is still healthy. I guess I just long for wounds to close. Yet I am always wondering what could I have done different? What is wrong with me? Why do I have these feelings? I never can answer them. All most people see is a smiling face and laughter. No one really sees anything else... Well thanks for reading and well listening with your hearts. I don't mean to sound so sad and depressed.. I just think of it as getting things off my chest and heart.

I have found it hard being strong for others. Especially when there is no one there to be strong for you. When I lost momma I lost my best friend. Yes we had our differnces. I still remember her last words to me. "see ya tomorrow." That tomorrow never came. She didn't know she was going to die. So this song I am putting here is in loving memory of her. It has only been a year and like 4 months since I told her goodbye. This is also dedicated to my grandmother (dads side) and my grandad (moms side)

When I get where I'm going
on the far side of the sky.
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly.

I'm gonna land beside a lion,
and run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain


Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles,
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Don't cry for me down here.

I'm gonna walk with my grandaddy,
and he'll match me step for step,
and I'll tell him how I missed him,
every minute since he left.
Then I'll hug his neck.

So much pain and so much darkness,
in this world we stumble through.
All these questions, I can't answer,
so much work to do.

But when I get where I'm going,
and I see my Maker's face.
I'll stand forever in the light,
of His amazing grace.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Oh, when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
Hallelujah!
I will love and have no fear.
When I get where I'm going.
Yeah when I get where I'm going

Its been a while since I've written.  A lot has been going on in my mind. Especially a sense of loneliness. Of course I have friends. One best friend but I only talk to on occasions. I get this way every now and then especially when I think about things that go on in my family that I don't necessarily agree with. One example is being that some of my family is going to Fla. With that being said these are the same family members that at Christmas time said they didn't have a lot of money. This same family member also said that they were going to buy my moms headstone. Mommas been gone since Dec 2010. Yet they can afford to go to Walt Disney world. It just hurts deep down but I know if I say anything it will just piss everyone off. So I guess the next best thing is letting my emotions flow out of my heart and into this journal entry. If you could see my face now you would see the tears falling down as I think about these things. Why do I feel like the bad person here? I want my grandmother to go and enjoy herself she needs it but at the same time she can't afford it and well figured no one else could. That doesn't matter though I'll have my son with me and we will think of things to do around the house. 

Still many of you wonder why as to what I am doing here. Basically curious and seeing if perhaps I can connect with a Dom doubt it cause well I just don't see it happening. Thank you to all of you who read my journal entries.

Sadly two weeks ago today we lost my grandad. I know he is now not longer suffering. It was a complete surprise but I think he was wanting to make sure my grandmother was ok 51 1/2 years of marriage. While I miss him I don't miss the diabetes. Watching him suffer through it was hard enough.  With that being said thank you to all who have sent messages of encouragement. They are greatly appreciated.

I know I have talked about the ex husband and what he has done to me. That is only a portion. The first time I realized anything could possibly be wrong was the night I decided to turn off his play station. Silly right? He didn't think so and grabbed me by my neck. He didn't leave fingerprints or anything but enough to scare me. I brushed off I guess as most people do. It wasn't till after we moved that things got worse. Your probably sitting there thinking wondering why I am still hashing this out. It has affected me in a lot of ways that I have noticed. I try to not let it but it does. I was so depressed and stressed I let myself get up to 279 pounds. I started having headaches after I moved back home. Ended up losing down to 204 but slowly gained alot back.

Again thank you for taking time to look at my profile and reading my journal enteries.

Over the past few weeks I have begun to realize  how important family is.  I am watching my grandad slowly die. To top it off as if last week couldn't get any worse we lost my momma's house and have to move everything out of it. Now before any of you laugh judge or criticize me  I don't have my drivers license. I know I need them. I can drive I have driven. I even had my permit at one time. Yes I know I am 30 years old and that I have a son.  I just don't like to drive. I am going sometime hopefully next week to get them. I just feel like a complete failure. I just hope I pass it. Just well been down in the dumps a lot here lately.

I haven't written anything in a while. So here goes. I've talked to some really nice people on here and glad to see that there are those out  there that are still kind. Yes I will admit I am still shy about some things. I am also thankful for those that write with words of encouragement. I know not all will understand but I am still hoping that in time that I will find out just exactly who I am within this lifestyle.

Here is another song written by Corey Smith. Its called Be the Change

Be The Change

Open your eyes up people, and take a good look around,
Catch the tears fillin' up all those cracks in the ground.
Turn off you televisions; leave your picture perfect neighborhoods
A lot of folks out there ain't doing so good,
To many of us left out in the cold

No invitations given, no welcome mats unrolled,
But you can, be the change you wanna see.
Be the hope to those whose lives are far from easy.
Reach out and lend a hand, share everything you can,
And be the change, be the change.

Carry the world on your shoulders, for a little while,
Put on someone else shoes, and walk around.



So many cups a runneth over, while so many goin dry
The grass ain't always green on the other side.
There's still a lot of work to be done,
A lot of wrongs to right, a lot of battles to be won.

If you can be the change you wanna see,
Be the hope to those who lives are far from easy.
Reach out and lend a hand, share everything you can,
And be the change, be the change.

Reach out and lend a hand, share everything you can
And be the change, be the change.
Be the change.
Be the change.
Be the change.

The leaves are fallin down
The air is cool and clear
It's a seasonal change
And the night we've waited for is here
And we've exchanged the rings
And we've taken the vows
The ceremony's over baby
And the honeymoon is starting now

This is the first dance
But it won't be the last
Timeless moments like this
They won't ever be a thing of the past
We'll spark a candle tonight
An eternal flame of romance
When the honeymoon is over baby
I'll still move you like the first dance

I've been scared as hell
Cause I've heard how the story goes
You get married and you settle down
And the passion withers like a rose
But I refuse to lose
This thing we have together
And I'll keep the fire burning baby
Burning both ends of forever 



This is the first dance
But it won't be the last
Timeless moments like this
They won't ever be a thing of the past
We'll spark a candle tonight
An eternal flame of romance
When the honeymoon is over baby
I'll still move you like the first dance

I see heaven in your eyes
And feel god movin in this room
Ain't love the greatest gift of all
Ain't it amazing what desire can do

This is the first dance
But it won't be the last
Timeless moments like this
They won't ever be a thing of the past
We'll spark a candle tonight
An eternal flame of romance
When the honeymoon is over baby
I'll still move you like the first dance

Yeah I'll always turn you on
And move you like the first dance 

this song is by Corey Smith.  Have always loved this song.

Here's another rant. Ok I get that most Dom's want you to show their picture. I get that. But well I don't and its not because I'm a fake I just have a hard time trusting people. I have a hard time with it. Yes I know its going to cause me not to meet alot of people but well it's just something that I am dealing with.  So well if you don't like then you don't have to message me. But I will not show a picture after the first few emails that we send.

Well I have my next topic and well if it steps on toes then good for me. Tonight at the supper table once again the subject of my sons dad came up. Here was the coversation.

Son: momma when am I going to have a new daddy

Me: I don't know sweetie.

It breaks my heart every time. Not to long ago he asked me if his daddy ever took him fishing. I said no and he said and I quote "maybe my new daddy will."

What do you tell a child? I can't tell him everything that happened. Not only is he to little to understand he was little when it happened. I know sometimes its the mom's fault but even after the judge ruled in my favor and suspended his visitation rights which were at my house every other Sunday. Its what the judge ordered. Even after that he came out one time to see his son. He can't even call and check on him.

To me parents like that need to have something done to them. I'm sorry I know every situation is different and yes my ex hubby was a meth head so yeah I was afraid of him. Still am if he ever showed up. Dunno if he is still on it or not. It just sucks that its the kids in the end that suffer.

I am surprised that Dom's actually read my journal entries as they are a part of who I am. To those that have written me about my entries some of them have been very helpful and even making me feel special which is something I haven't felt in a very long time. Not alot on my mind tonight or within my heart. Well I am sure there is but letting them come across the screen it is just not happening right now. Perhaps others can see that I am not a fake and that I am real and I am just that diamond in the rough.

Why do I see a lot of Dom's on here that just want to abuse and beat their subs/slaves and why do so many women allow it to happen. Coming from an abusive relationship I just don't get it. While I know some like pain and well to each their on but to be called names beaten whatever just isn't for me. I guess I should go into more detail.

The first time I should have known something wasn't right was when the ex hubby was playing a video game. I didn't care at the time I played them too. I was wanting to him to just come and lay down with while our son was sleeping. So dummy me I suppose goes and turns off the game. Bad mistake on my part. I have never seen someone get up so fast to put their hands around my neck. Scared heck yeah I was. When he let go I went to the bedroom and cried. Never had anyone ever done that to me before. He kept telling me he was sorry and he shouldn't of done that. You know typical thing. Dummy me listened. I let it go and things were good for several months.

Time when on and we moved and well just a few months after the move little things started to happen. Bills would go unpaid. Cable was being shut off. I felt cut off from the outside world. His friends were my friends. One car and I was a stay at home mom. The first time he hit me was when I was trying to get him up to go to work. He worked nights. I gently shook him and he raised up and with a closed fist punched me in the back between the shoulder blades. He never once said he was sorry. It wasn't until a few months later that I had given the last of a slice of pizza to our son to eat and I get called fat ass slob and had the pizza box thrown at me. It didn't hit but scared me. I didn't think anymore if but then there was the two black eyes. Oh and telling him one time that a bill was late and they were going to cut something off ended up with a glass jar candle being thrown at the wall next to where I was standing.

I never knew that even though I tried to do everything to make sure he was happy he never was. Spent hours in the bathroom and would even drop me and my son off at the store and he would go home for two or three hours. It was after midnight. He would come back and yell at me after we got in the car if I spent to much or not enough.

Finally after being depressed and him staying gone for days I finally called momma and told her to come get me. Why does it though still to this day bother me so much? You would think I would be over it. I find myself dreaming of him coming to my house and beating me and taking my son.  Its been 7 years and I still don't know why.

Perhaps its why I find myself behind a large thick wall covered with thorns. So no one can get in again to cause me the same pain he did. He was my first everything. The first kiss first love and first time I had sex.  Sorry for such a long post to those of you who take the time to read it but its just something that has been bothering me for a few days now and just wanted to get it out of me I suppose.

Again sitting here and thinking on past life experiences. I feel as though I am some gem hiding in the dark perhaps under a stone. Yes I have a thick shell that will take a lot for someone to crack. Or perhaps I am wilting flower that needs that special touch to bring it back to its fully beauty. Call it whatever you want but perhaps sometime someone will come alone and find this little rose of a gem.  I guess I am always going to be a scared girl afraid to step out from the shadows and shine. Why does this fear grip me I wander? Why can't I seem to let it go? Partly because I don't want to get hurt but then again I always end up hurting others and not meaning too. I guess my ex husband was right in some way that no one would ever want me again. 7 years and here I am... I am not a fake. I suppose that one year of abuse really did a number on me...

Another rant I suppose. Ok when you email someone and tell them your going to ask them a series of questions and want them answered honestly to see if I am even worth talking to. Then ask me if I wax or shave. To me that sends up red flags. Perhaps you might want to know those answers but there are somethings you just don't ask when getting to someone. Especially the first time you send them a message. Get real people. Men stand up and be real men. So what if your Dom at least most of the ones I have emailed have been nice towards me but the name spags I'm sorry but I am not going to answer those kinds of questions just to see if I am worthy to talk to. If a person likes my profile and decides they want to talk to me that's their own decisions. Shouldn't have to be a serious of questions like that. Sorry for my rant and rave but well deserved.

What is it with males and wanting skinny size zero women? I mean get real and get over yourself. Just because there are some of us that have a few extra pounds. Not saying that skinny women are bad. I struggle with weight all the time. Have for all my life and for someone wanting to know where I live the wanting to know if I sucked cock. Must be shallow anyways. Then of all the nerve to send me an email saying he didn't see that i was 240. Get another life or something cause not everyone is a skinny person. Again thank you to those who have sent me emails encouraging me and other things as well.

Well so now it seems some want to question as to why I'm here and what I seek. They say I can get love protection being adored and cherished in a vanilla relationship. For me it wasn't the case. Why a D/s perhaps it goes back to that trust issue. Why is it wrong for me to not want someone to micromanage my every move? I am not going to become a robot. Call me a fake or whatever I want to find the right Dom that wont question my every move. I want my Dom to be proud of me in everything I do. Sorry for the rant but if people would read all my entries they might learn something about me.

After thinking about this some more I wanted to add a little more to it. So here are some more of my thoughts. While I know some Doms want to control  every thing their sub or slave does but what good is that going to do. I don't want to be robotic I want to be able to laugh have fun and enjoy the things outside of BDSM. Once again I am living in a fantasy world. Perhaps I am who knows.  I just know that even though I am a sub I am still human I have a heart mind and soul.  I may give it away to the One that I think deserves it doesn't mean I am going to become a stepford wife.

Once again I am behind this computer screen. Some wonder why I sit behind it. To me I can keep myself hidden away from the world perhaps like a precious jewel waiting to be discovered. Yes I am the real me when you do send me an email. Maybe someday someone will find this precious jewel and treasure her and keep her close to His heart.

Its bewildering to me that within the first three or four emails someone wants to be my Dom. Well after three or four emails is not going to do it for me. True there might be a connection but well as for me trust is the biggest issue. Yes its something that I have been working on for 7 years now but it is still going to take time. Many also ask for a picture. I have one but I don't want to show it. Now I'm sure most of you are thinking I am a fake. That is not true. With so many wierdos and other things it is for my own safety that I don't show a pic. Besides if you ask one after one or two emails then well no. I know people want to see who they are talking to but anyone can go find a picture of someone other than themselves so well until a bond is formed and I feel like I can trust its best not to ask.

On the other hand I am enjoying my time here on CM. Yes I am still learning things and I am grateful for the conversations I have had.

Thank you for taking the time to read my journal entries. I will try to write everyday but well it may not happen.

Once again I find myself sitting behind this computer screen. Thanks to you all who have shown me support.  I'm not going to sit here and give out all my background with the ex. It was a lot of mental emotional and verbal as well. I am sure there are those that read this and wonder why on earth someone who was in that type of realtionship would want to be in here. Well here are my thoughts..

I know I maybe living in some fantasy land in another world but to me a D/s or M/s relationship is not one based on sex alone. Sure its a plus and well coming from a girl who hadn't had it in 7 years probably needs it but yet how can there be sex if there is no trust to start with? To me being a submissive or whatever you want to call it goes far beyond having sex making love fucking whatever you want to call it. There has to be a connection one that can switch from to another.  Cause not everyone can live the lifestyle all the time. Me being one of them.

I do have family who would not understand and would probably disown me or have something to say if they found out. So yes for me most of it would be in the bedroom behind closed doors. Not that I am embarrassed about who I am (which of course I am still finding that out) but also because for my case I have a child with a genetic disease. I hate using a disease because you can't get it from him coughing on you or touching you. Its more of a disorder. I will go into more detail some other time perhaps. So yes besides breaking down a wall that is 7 years old I also have a child and well to most Doms and even Masters its not what they are looking for. That's fine with me. The sad thing is though no I'm not looking for him a new daddy but yet someone that would be more of a  dad than his own well to be nice sperm donor cause that's how I feel about him.  My son asks at least once a week and it breaks my heart. Yet he can say the cutest things at the right times.

Well now I am rambling but I only share whats on my mind and what comes from the heart.

They say you will never forget your first love. Its true seven years after I left him he still holds fear over me. I've been told before to get over it. Its not that easy. He had me scared everyday. Not knowing what mood he was in. Not knowing if he was high enough to be nice. It was a vanilla life. Perhaps that is why I'm here? Only time can answer that. People say they don't want baggage well I have a lot. I know some people like pain and abuse but I came from that. I never want to feel the hands of a man going around my neck or a closed fist hitting me in the back or eyes. So many more things I will save them for another entry.