It was exactly one year ago today that I wore my Mistress's collar of intent for the first time. 

Our relationship had started online and progressed to nightly phone calls, often lasting 3 hours, sometimes talking until the dawn's early light.  Due to the fact that we lived more than a thousand miles apart we had not yet met face to face, but it was already decided that as soon as I had finished all my obligations I would be going to live with her in the fall.  A trial visit was planned for July but we felt that was just a formallity.  I had been attending a local bdsm discussion group and the Domme who ran that group invited me to my first ever bdsm party.  I discussed this with my Mistress on the phone and she was excited for me.  She had always encouraged me to go to the group and talk with people in the lifestyle to learn as much as I could and get many different view points.  I did not want to be presumptious but nervously asked her if I could wear a collar in her name and she agreed it would be a good idea.  Since I would be alone at the party I wanted it to be clear to the dominants there that I was already spoken for.  So there was no great collaring ceremony, not even Mistress's hand to fasten the buckle.  I bought the supplies and talked with Mistress on the phone as I fashioned a simple leather pet collar.  A gold tag engraved, "reserved for Mistress (xxxx)" hangs from a metal loop. 

My job prevented me from wearing the collar 24/7, and quite honestly I was very nervouse about wearing a collar in public.  As Mistress instructed I did wear it anytime I could do so without creating a scene.  While I waited for the day I could be with her I fell asleep each night stroking the tag, feeling the shape of the engraved letters that declared I would belong to her.

The year since then has not been exactly as we had planned.  We have adjust the plan, adapted, and carry on.  Through it our relationship has grown strong.  Trust has blossomed as the experiences have proven to each of us that we can rely on the other.  I keep her house clean and prepare her food.  She gives me new experiences and keeps me safe.  She is healthier, happier, and less stressed since I arrived.  She has given me a secure place to explore who I truely am. 

I wrote this on Memorial Day, 2001, in reflection of my father. I was never close to him and he never told us what happened to him during his service in France during WWII.  Piecing together fragments and clues about him this is what I understand.

Happy Halfiversary Mistress!

Today marks six months since I arrived in New York to live with my Mistress.  Not everything has gone as we had originaly planned it but it has been a wonderful experience.  Mistress has taught me much and trained me in tasks that bring her pleasure.  She has not tried to change who I am.  She just allows me to be myself.  I have never felt so completely accepted, or so deeply loved.

I'm sure most people into bdsm would consider me a wimp.  I can't take fifty lashes from a whip or being paddled until it raises welts.  I am not a pain slut and I highly doubt I ever will be.  Because my Mistress does enjoy administering pain I endure it as best I can for her entertainment.  She is generous with her praises and that does much to encourage me.  It is always a dilemma for me.  I do not enjoy pain at all.  For me it is in no way pleasurable or erotic (I know for others it is, just not for me).  Physically I want it to be over, I want to escape the pain.  Emotionally, it pains me that I might disappoint my Mistress.  I feel selfish not allowing her to play as long as she would like.  I should be able to handle it longer so she can fully enjoy her game.  This is the internal argument that continued through my head this evening.

Mistress began by blindfolding me.  She then drew lines on my back dividing into sections so as not to overwork any one area.  She is trying to train my boypussy, conditioning me so she can fuck me with her strap-on.  Technically I'm not a virgin in that respect.  Twice in my life I've been fucked, both times by the same man and the last was more than five years ago.  I've always been pretty nervous about anyone playing with my ass, even inserting a finger.  She inserted a butt plug.  Then she directed me to stand in the archway.  The first butt plug slipped out so she got a larger one.  Telling me to keep my legs together and how to clench to hold it in place.  She threatened to use a much larger one if I couldn't hold onto it.  It was a very weird feeling, trying to hold something in rather than trying to push it out.  She fastened leather restraints to my wrists and attached each to an eye bolt in opposite sides of opening.  "Remember your safe words", she prompted me as she does before every session.  We use the red, yellow, green system because it is easiest to remember.  There is also a panic word that will instantly end the session. 

She worked mostly with her favorite flogger, although sometimes setting it aside for a leather slapper.  I felt off balance since I had to keep my legs together.  I would have fallen forward if the wrist restraints weren't holding me up.  With each lashing to my back I swayed in the ropes.  With each session she uses a bit more force.  With each session I try to hold on longer, to use 'yellow' less.  Generally I use yellow to tell her that I can't take another blow to the same spot but I'm not asking her to stop.  She does give me a break, maybe ten seconds to catch my breath, and she continues the flogging in a different section of the grid she drew on my back.  She keeps reminding me to breathe because I do tend to forget during the beatings.  Seriously, if she does not remind me between blows that without thinking I hold my breath anticipating each one.  In between my breathing is very shallow.  This continues until I become so light headed I have trouble standing.  I have to remember to breath because she will end the session when she realizes I am doing that. 

She only uses the slapper on my ass and legs.  Each blow makes me jump and it is very hard to keep my legs together and hold the plug in.  I'm thankful for the restraints; I would not be able to stay standing in place without them.  She tells me that every time I scream it makes her pussy wetter.

Finally Mistress tells me to release the butt plug.  I felt certain I had pissed on the floor when I let it go but she said I hadn't.  She reached around me and put the leather slapper in my mouth and told me to bite down on it.  Now there would be no words, the only signal I had was to drop the slapper.  That would be like calling 'red' and she would stop, but there would be no yellow.  She had done this before.  It was a greater discipline when all I could do was stop the scene but not communicate anything else.  She was already praising me, telling me she was pleased with how much I had taken for her.  Still I did not want to make it stop.  I had nothing for a real sense of time but I know I can never endure as long a session as she would like.  I know from the tones of her voice that she is pleased with me.  Even blindfolded I can hear her smile.  She says she appreciates my pain all the more because she knows I do it only for her.  The lashes on my back come harder now.  Mistress reads me well.  With repeated lashes she somehow seems to know when I am about to drop the slapper and she moves to a different section of my back.  Then a hard strike across my right shoulder blade.  A second.  I bite hard into the leather slapper.  A third strike to the same spot.  I try to hold on but I can hear the movement as she draws back for another strike.  I spit out the slapper and somehow the blow never comes.  Mistress saw it fall and somehow stopped in mid-swing so the stinging tails never touched my skin. 

She stands behind me.  I tell her I feel like I could black out.  She tells me to lean back into her as she reaches around me to untie the ropes.  The leather wrist restraints remain on.  She keeps her arms around me and guides me to lie down on the bed, telling me to breathe.  Lying on my side I feel my hands tingling.  I didn't realize that I had been depending so much on the restraints to hold me up.  While the leather cuffs slipped loosely around my wrists I had been putting so much weight on them that I was not getting much circulation to my hands.  It was like when your foot falls asleep, feeling that tingling in all my fingers.  She stands beside the bed stroking me, speaking in soothing tones.  She questions me to be sure I am coherent an unharmed.  Still she does not remove the blindfold or the cuffs.  That's okay.  I could not have taken another blow on my right shoulder, but I still do not want to make her stop.

After a few minutes she has me on the bed with my butt in the air.  Checking again that I remember my safe words she brushes the back of my legs with the leather slapper.  She touches four spots and tells me now it will be two blows to each spot.  I can still use yellow and red if I can't handle all eight blows, but knowing how many and being able to count down makes it easier.  I am so glad she told me only two to each spot.  After the second blow to my right ass cheek I would have called 'red' if I thought she might strike the same place again.  Instead she moves down to the left thigh.  Ever blow stings, but knowing it is almost over I clench my teeth and remain quiet.  "Good boy", she coos as she lightly strokes my burning ass with her fingers. 

She has me turn over, holding my legs up.  Again touching my thighs with the slapper.  Two blows to each spot.  It stings but is over quickly.  She delights at seeing the impressions left on my legs.  The outlines, perfect squares, will remain crisp and visible until after we are both asleep.

She removes the blindfold and I relax.  She lies with me, telling me she is impressed with how much I took for her.  She continues to tease me with the slapper but I know she will not strike without warning.  She is into cbt but that has remained a limit for me.  She has seen that even playful little slaps to my balls make me curl up.  Each time we play I want to give her a little more.  With much coaxing I very nervously agree to let her try.  One slap to my balls feels like more than I can take, even though I know she did is as lightly as possible.  I whimper and roll on my side.  Even in such pain, I want to please Mistress.  How can I say 'no' when she asks if she can deliver a couple light blows with the leather slapper directly to my cock?  I know she could not do it any lighter, but with each blow I wince and whimper in pain.  She pets me and her voice dances in delight.  She is so wet I can smell her pussy juice.  The pain is intense but seeing how it pleases Mistress I agree to let her do it again.  After the second strike I curl up with my knees to my chest.  She strokes my hip as I catch my breath.  Her smile is precious.  Her eyes sparkle.  As she unfolds me I bite my lips and nod, yes, one last time.  She assures me that will be all for tonight.

She holds me strokes me.  Telling me how proud she is of her 'sweet boi'.  We take a break.  I refill her water bottle.  Bathroom.  Clean up the lube leaking from my ass.  When I return she is lying on the bed.  She has had quite a good work out herself.  She is tired, but glowing.  I get on the bed with her.  She praises me again.  How proud she is that I took more than she expected.  How hot and wet it got her.  She had not completely cooled off.  Just a couple minutes talking about it has her fully fired again.  She opens her legs and gives me an inviting, and at the same time demanding, grin.  Not that this is something I would turn down.  Originally eating her pussy was supposed to be a reward anyway.  It is hard to tell which of us enjoys this more.  She always tells me how good I am at licking her.  I've always felt that the real talent is just listening.  You should be able to tell which things make your partner more excited and which things are just 'nice'.  She is already very hot so it does not take long to bring her to screaming.  She clutches my hand and squeezes as she keeps saying 'good boy!  good boy!  just like that!".  As she squirms my hand slips a bit from her grip.  During the flogging I was never scared.  I knew she would not harm me.  At that moment I feared a real injury.  The way she was gripping my hand I started to question if she might break my finger without even being aware of what she was doing.  Still I can't stop, not with her so close.  I admit, this is my power trip.  I love knowing I can do something that makes her completely loose control of her own body.  This is how I make her scream and I love every single note.  She falls back on the bed panting.  My tongue continues to play very lightly over her clit.  It is not time to stop yet.  Just turning the heat down from a full boil to a gentle simmer.  Holding her there for a few moments and then slowly bringing her up again.  Another couple minutes and she is screaming again.  I use one of her favorite toys.  This one is bigger than the one I usually use on her and she cautions not too deep.  The more I play with her, the wetter she gets, and the more demanding she becomes.  Following her ques the huge dildo goes deeper and deeper.  She screams louder and louder.  I love knowing I can make her feel something so intense.  Finally she collapses out of breath.  I slowly remove her toy and she pulls me down on top of her, kissing me.  Mistress is happy with me.  I am fulfilled.

Post script:
I started writing this last night, just a couple hours after our session.  Putting my thoughts into words is a slow process for me.  This journal entry took a couple hours.  While I sit here typing I feel the muscles in my back still sore from last night's play.  I keep shifting because my ass still burns if I put weight on the same are too long.  All will heal in time, but right now my muscles feel more sore than after moving day.

My Mistress identifies herself as a lesbian.  So it may sound like a contradiction that she has a male wife.  Yes she uses me sexually, but not my penis.  We connect well because for me my penis has never been the focus of my sexuality.  I love giving oral. 

Mistress also loves seeing two men together.  For her to accept a male sub being into bi-play was not an absolute requirement, but a major bonus.  She'd had subs before into forced bi, but not one who was actually eager for it. 

To many men sucking cock is the ultimate humiliation.  For me a well hung man to suck on is one of the very best possible treats.  Friday we had a new friend over for the first time to give me a treat.  Mistress arranged this as a reward for my consistent obedience and service.  I am very proud of my oral skills and my ability to deep throat.  I've never found one too large to take all the way down. ;)  I love hearing a man moan, knowing how good I can make him feel.  Knowing that when he's alone later he'll get hard again thinking about my mouth.  Knowing he will stroke himself remembering how the muscles of my throat milked the head of his cock.  Over the years I have had a number of men who came back again and again telling me I was the best cock sucker they had ever had.  I wear the label 'slut' as a badge of honor. 

I get extremely focused when sucking cock.  As I get into a rhythm my eyes close.  My breathing effortlessly matches the strokes of the warm rod sliding past my lips.  I slowly slip down into a very calm, tranquil mental state.  It's almost like a meditation trace.  Everything around me tunes out.  I become oblivious to nearly everything aside from the feel of his flesh in my throat and sound of his moans.  Everything else fades away. 

From his moans and groans I can tell when he is getting close.  Usually I will change my rhythm slightly to let him down a notch.  I'm in no hurry for this to be over.  I can often do this several times to extend the pleasure.  I *love* to give hour long blow jobs to horny, hung men!  Eventually it will become too much for him, or for me.  While I love the sensation I also crave my creamy reward for a job well done.  I will listen to his moans, knowing he is getting closer but I won't let up this time.  By this point I've learned where his most sensitive spots are and how to hit them with my lips and tongue on every stroke.  Finally I'll feel his legs tighten and know my treat will be delivered at any second.  When he starts to cum I bury it as deep in my throat as it can possibly go.  This isn't just for him.  Feeling a big cock pulsing deep in my throat can give me a fantastic orgasm myself.  I don't need to cum, or even touch myself. When I tell people about this no one ever believes it without seeing it.  While I am sucking cock I get goose bumps all over.  When I know he is close my skin goes flush.  When I feel him swell up and explode deep inside me I get an incredible head rush.  I may have to pull back for a moment to catch a breath, but as quickly as I can I will swallow him down again.  Often I continue in convulsions even after he has finished cumming.  Then I'll settle back, staring up at him with a dreamy look while my breathing returns to normal.  Slowly I'll run my tongue over my lips to make sure I haven't let any of his cum escape.  I smile, thank him, and lick him clean.  Usually I'll keep playing with his cock if he doesn't stop me.  If it shows any promise of getting hard again I'm usually ready for seconds!

My Mistress asked me afterward if I even heard her talking to me.  I had to admit that I really didn't know what she was saying at the time.  I could hear her voice but it was like background music.  I was only aware of the tone.  As long as I could tell she was pleased with my performance I really didn't hear the words she was saying.

Mistress has promised me this can become a regular reward.  We are hoping to find a few different men willing to feed me while she watches.  It doesn't matter if they are sub or Dom or vanilla as long as they do not try to Dom her.  I am of course hoping we can find some guys with truly huge cocks who are willing to stop by and use my mouth while she chats with them.

The life MistressYes and I have together is something neither of us expected, but somehow we have made an excellent match.

I have been living with Mistress five months now. She is not a high protocol Mistress and for that I am grateful.  For me 'protocol' has usually been attached to places I didn't want to be in the first place, and situations that just made me feel very awkward. Lessons on formal protocol and such things will come later.  Right now she is more concerned with practical matters such as cleaning and how I serve her food.  As time allows I am learning about the personal attention she enjoys such as giving her a good pedicure, and how to do her nails.  Most of the time has been spent getting comfortable with the day to day routines, and each of us learning how the other communicates in different situations.  New things are added constantly as she is satisfied with what I have mastered so far. 

She does not micromanage.  She tells me what she expects, sometimes giving me a list of tasks, and leaves me to choose my own methods to obtain the result.  As long as the finished product meets her standards she does not concern herself with how I got there.  I need this.  working with my disabilities what seems easy and obvious to others can sometimes be quite difficult for me.  Conversely I often come up with novels ways to do things that flow easily for me but would confuse anyone else watching.  When someone expects me to remember lists of procedures it usually just stresses me out and makes the task take much longer than if I am left to figure it out on my own.

Mistress believes in always being polite, to everyone.  Even though I am her submissive she says 'please' when asking me to bring her something, and 'thank you' when I serve her.  I've seen some dominants feel it lowers them to be polite to a submissive but MistressYes is always confident in her position.  Being pleasent just makes me want to stay close and keep her happy.

Mistress is patient with me, and forgiving of small mistakes.  She does deliver corrective measures when appropriate, such as my repeating a mistake after a warning.  She has a sadistic side, but she is never cruel.  She refuses to use her whip, paddle, or cane when she is angry.  She tells me what I have done to upset her, but punishments always wait until she has given herself a cooling off period (usually they are administered the following day).  She does enjoy causing pain when in a scene, but it distresses her when she needs to punish me.

She has told me I am the most obedient sub she has ever had.  It is my pride that I do not willfully disobey her.  I have tarnished that.  One time I knowing disregarded one of her rules.  I always wear my collar, and whenever I go out I wear a leash, even if she is not with me.  I am never to put the leash on or take it off by myself; only her hand on the clip.  One time I left the house without my leash.  On Valentine's day while she was sleeping I went out to get her a small treat I knew she would want later.  I made a conscious decision and did so prepared to accept her harshest punishment.  Yes, I had a reason.  When I returned home I would present that to her, but the final judgment would be hers and I was ready to accept it without complaint.  When I presented her with the small gift Mistress could see I was nervous about the dilemma I had faced.  She was merciful and punishment for breaking the rule was only a token slap on the wrist. 

It is strange to look back and see that even this time last year I could not see why someone would want a life like this.  That I could not understand why someone would willing surrender control to someone else in so many ways.

Mistress's birthday was Saturday.  It was just the two of us all day.  I served her naked as much as I could.  I chill easily, so keeping the place comfortable for Mistress I tend to develope goose bumps in a fairly short time.  I pulled on  her robe to warm up briefly from time to time but mostly wore only knee high leather boots with 3" heals.  The night before it had taken me more than two hours in the bath tub to shave from head to toe.  She like objectifying men but that is something I've been resistant to.  When dinner was ready I set everything up, and then served as her table.  As my skin is so tempurature sensative it was a series of very odd sensations to have patches of hot foods and cold foods on my chest and stomach at the same time.  When dinner was done I had to clean up for dessert.  Do know how difficult it is to get teryaki sauce out of your navel? 

One of the things Mistress loves is my making fresh baked cookies and muffins for her.  I had baked occationally before but it had never been a regular thing for me.  Since she has been so encouraging I now do a couple batches a week just to have at least one of her favorite treats on hand at all times.  I've never had anyone to teach me or taken any classes so all my baking is just finding recipies on the internet and a lot of experimentation.  For her birthday I decided to made a black forest cake completely from scratch.  I baked the cake the night before so it could cool before decorating.  It was okay, but just taking it out of the pan I felt it would not be suitable for a special presentation.  I found a new recipie and the morning of her birthday while making her breakfast I scrambled to bake a second cake.  I was very pleased with the second one.  Topped with the cherries and frosted it looked wonderful.  Mistress thoughly enjoyed it. :)

My Mistress has stated she always seeks to help her submissives live up to their best potential.  This is what I need.  I would not respond well to humilliation and constant threat.  Gentle stokes and encouragement make it easy for me to submit.  She does disipline me when there is call for it, but this has been very rare.  Last week Mistress told me I am the most obedient sub she has ever had.  Since I arrived here I have been striving to improve Mistress's home and personal space in every way I can.  Before I arrived the plan had been for Mistress to have an experienced sub here to share the house chores and help train me.  Things didn't work out as planned so I am taking care of the house cleaning alone and trying to learn to be more organized as I go.  I have been using my carpentry skills to build storage units, organizations, and other projects.   I have ideas, plans, and sketches for several more project to build as time and budget for materials allows.

The first outside opinion of my efforts came Sunday evening when Mistress's good friend came to visit.  We do not have company frequently so Mistress reminded me that my behavior is a reflection on her.  I am always mindful of that but rarely am I being watched by anyone who know the nature of our relationship.  It was a proud moment for me when she said she had never seen the place looking so good!  This was not a hollow compliment.  While her friend is not rude, she is not the sort of person who will lie just to be polite.  At most to avoid causing unnecessary conflict she might say nothing at all, but mostly she voices her honest opinion. 

Mistress has not stressed formal protocal either.  So long as I am always respectful and polite she says that will suffice.  The rest will be phased in gradualy over time.  Earlier in the day I baked home made muffins and cookies to serve with tea.  Mistress's friend said I was like a geisha.  I've said I am really just in this for the petting, but I have discovered something new.  Knowing I have done something that truely makes Mistress proud actually gives me a bit of a rush.  I've realized this when I overhear her talking about me on the phone.  This was the first time I had heard someone else compliment me to my Mistress. 

Which fantasies are okay in reality?

I had said to a friend on here that some fantasies would be fun to live out for real, while others should only be kept as fantasy. In reply I was asked which were which. My fantasies run across a vast spectrum of topics. My imagination runs wild and sometimes goes places even I, myself, find disturbing.

First of all, there are fantasies that are just simply impossible because of who I am. One of the great joys of fantasy and role play is that you can be anyone. I can be either male or female, or even having the physical attributes of both genders at the same time. I don't even have to be human, I can imagine myself as an alien or a mythological creature. I can be any age. If a partner wants to play my daughter I can be her father. With the same partner on another day we can switch roles and I can imagine myself as a young boy and that she is my mother, even if she is in reality younger than I am. I would not involve a child in anything sexual, but having a partner pretend to be my daughter can be very arousing.

Then there are fantasies that involve forcing someone to do something against their will. Many people have rape fantasies, many people even imagine themselves as the victims in rape fantasies. These can be very hot to imagine, but I very much doubt these same people would enjoy actualy being raped.

So there at least are a couple examples of fantasies that should just be kept as fantasies becuase there are factual reasons that are impossible to change, and/or legal, and/or moral reasons certain lines should not be crossed. Now there are a few exceptions even to those restrictions.
 

Morals are personal, and often vaugely defined. What is immoral to some people is perfectly acceptable to others. Gay or bisexual activities are a prefect example of this. In fact, these activities are also an example of legal lines that might be crossed. Even within the USA there are some states where I could get arrested for having oral sex with another man; even if it happened in his own home with all the shades closed so no one else could see what was going on. Laws are supposed to be to proctect people, but some realy do not serve that purpose. I do not understand how someone can say a law was broken when there was no victim.
 

I avoid absolutes as there are almost always exceptions but there is a simple rule of thumb which I think draw a sound line between what is okay to do in reality and what should be kept only as fantasy. If everyone involved is a consenting adult then do whatever you please. That realy is the only rule I hold by. There are a few things I will state here but they are not realy additional rules, only clarifications of that one rule. I will define these very broadly to try and cover all conceivable circumstances, even areas that I would not personaly engage in regardless.
 
 
Restated the one rule: As long as everyone involved is a consenting adult all things are permissible.

Clarifications: 

 
#1 Everyone involved must be an adult. No children should be involved or allowed to witness sexual activities. Still a problem here because different cultures, countries, and subdivisions there in will have different ways of defining who is or isn't an adult. Within the USA for the most part it will mean someone who has reached a chronilogical age of at least 18 years. 

#2 Everyone involved must give full consent. Very simply, you can't do anything that you have any reason to beleive someone else present might not agree to. If you are uncertain if someone might object then it is your responsibility to ask before you try it.

 
#3 Before you can say anyone has given consent you have to be certain they fully understand what they are consenting to. While little suprises can be fun you have to be positive you will not be violating someone's personal boundries. Personal boundries can be very curious. Even someone who may embrace strange fetishes and bizarre fantasies may have an aversion to things that seem tame in comparision. A particular word may trigger a bad memory and cause significant distress.

 
#4 No animals. While communication with our companion animals can be accomplished on some level it is at best incomplete. Where an animal is involved we can never be certain that criteria #2 and #3 have been met.

 
#5 There must always be a safe word, *and* a pre-agreed on non-verbal signal (in case for any reason someone can't speak). This is a fail safe for #3. There should never be a "point of no return". If something happens that was unexpected or unanticipated any party must have the option of stopping the actions if they feel their personal boundries are in jeopardy.

 
#6 No public sex scenes.  While sex in public places can be an exciting fantasy element it runs the risk of being witnessed by people who were unaware something sexual might be happening.  If they didn't know something was going to happen, they could not have given their consent to be participating (even as just voyeurs); this would violate criteria #2 and #3.  Depending on the location it might also be witnessed by children and thereby violate criteria #1.

 
I don't think it would be possible to make rules that could cover everything that might happen. There will always be exceptions, unexpected things will happen even in scenerios that you have rehearsed many time. These are guidelines that I do think will take care of 99% of the situations.

For those who do not already know, I am pagan.  I have always observed Christmas with family members and friends but that holiday has no spiritual significants for me.  I celebrate Yule, the winter solstice, which is the longest night of the year.  Part of its significants is being the last day of the solar year.  For me, part of the tradition is for it to be a time to make certain old business is taken care of.  I had some punishments due for previous lapses that Mistress had not yet administered.  In the last couple of hours that has been corrected so I may now enter the New Year with a clean slate.

I am no stranger to pain.  I can endure a lot of pain.  In my work I frequently get injured.  I have had a drill bit go through one thumb and a table saw take a chunk out of the other.  I've fallen off of roofs.  I was once knocked unconcious by being hit with a freezer.  One day my foot was broken in three places when the idiot who dropped a tool box on it then ran over it when he backed his car out to drive me to the hospital.  I am most definitely *not* a pain slut!  I do not enjoy pain or beatings in any form, not even spankings.  I endure them in play scenes because I know it brings Mistress pleasure. 

My transgressions have been few, and all accidental.  I have never willfully disobeyed my Mistress.  Yet even if they were not intentional there had been incidents that I needed to be held responsible for - mistakes I had made that had resulted in unnecessary stress and expense for my Mistress.  I had been fearing the punishments, but also wanting them to be resolved.  Fearing, mostly, because I knew Mistress intended to use the cane.  The cane is never used in play, it is only an instrument for punishment.  Before tonight she had only used it on me once, a single strike.  That was not for a punishment, it was at my request.  When I visited over the summer, months before I moved here, I asked she demonstrate the cane on me.  I felt for it to be an effective deterant I would have to know what it felt like before I had the chance to cause any infraction that might deserve it. 

There was no question that tonight was going to be the most painful she has ever asked me endure.  Tonight she began by having me lie face down on the bed.  She blindfolded me with a silk scarf.  My wrists were bound with a cotton rope secured to the window sil.  Leather shackles with a chain between them were fitted to my ankles.  She explained exactly what she intended to do.  She asked me about my safe words; we use green/yellow/red and also a panic word that will stop everything instantly.  Other than safe words I was not to speak unless she told me to.  I was confused and suprised to learn that I was allowed to use safe words even in punishment.  My Mistress takes very seriously her promises that she would always keep me safe and never do lasting harm.  She made certain I understood what I was being punished for.  She began to warm up my skin with a flogger.  She often alternates light and hard strikes.  Interspaced were a few bare hand slaps to my butt.  I did go yellow 2-3 times and she allowed short breaks for me to catch my breath.  Once she felt I was sufficiently warmed up she began the punishments.  The flogger was used, and tonight the strikes were harder than she had ever used on me before.  She ordered me to count them off and say, 'thank you Mistress' after each one.  I was repeatedly warned that she force and number of lashes would be increased if she felt my thank yous did not sound sincere.

The first set was 20 strikes.  Then the same exercise was repeated with her leather riding crop.  The first set there was only ten strikes.  Another set with the flogger, this time 30 strikes.  I had to beg her to slow down because with counting them off I was not having enough time to breathe in between.  Another set with the riding crop, this time also targeting more sensitive areas including my inner thighs. 

She gave me a short pause and then told me I was to hold her short crop in my teeth as a bit.  Dropping the crop would be the same as calling red.  If I dropped the crop for any other reason (a scream) I would be punished more. This was the first time I would not be able to use yellow to slow down.  The lashes with the flogger were slow, but severe.  Even with my teeth clenched around the crop I screamed with each blow, and whimpered between them.  I don't remember how many blows it was, but for the first time ever she brought me to tears.  After I started crying, I still held the crop in my mouth.  I'm sure it was only a couple seconds but it seemed a much longer pause.  I was trying to hold on, waiting for the next stroke.  I realized I wouldn't be able to take it.  I cried out and let the crop fall to the floor.  Mistress immediately dropped the flogger, grabbed the sheers and cut the rope that tied me to the wall.  She unbound my hands and held my head to her breasts. 

She held me and said she was proud of me for how much I had taken, but I knew I had disappointed her.  I had not even made it to the cane.  I had not finished my punishment.  I wanted it to be over, but I knew I had not completed what was required.

After a couple minutes I told her I could continue if she was willing to finish my punishments.  She was reluctant to resume, but I emplored her to finish it tonight.  She did not bother to rebind my hands, but returned to using the flogger.  It was only a few more strokes.  Then she brought out her leather paddle, which has a flat rod of spring steel at the core.  I had to call yellow once or twice but I was determined to have this done with.  Finaly it was up to the cane.  Just knowing she was holding it made me tremble.  She said it would be just one swat on each cheek and she would stop for tonight.  She counted to three, and brought the cane down.  A verticle strike on the left side.  While I could tell she did not swing as hard as the first time I had felt the cane, my ass was already red and bruised.  I swear I can't recall anything that stung so bad.  I curled up and rolled around in pain screaming.  She stroked my ass and calmed me until I relaxed.  I resumed my position and awaited the strike to the other cheek.  She counted, one, two, two and a half, two and three quarters, pause, three - STRIKE!  Oh FUCK!  Involuntarily I curled up and screamed again. 

She held me, stroked my ass, and soothed me.  She reassured me that would be all for tonight.  I knew that was not my complete punishment.  I asked her to let me rest, but that I wanted her to finish.  She contemplated my physical and emotional state, agreed and when I said I was ready to continue once again I laid face down on the bed.  She touched me with the cane to show me where the final two strikes would hit.  Perpendicular to the previous two, just below the tail bone and just above the top of my thighs.  The first made me scream and shrivel.  I had to fight my own body to stretch out flat again to receive the final blow.  It came.  I screamed and recoiled, yet also felt a sense of relief that it was finaly done.  Later she told me the cane had caused a slight bleeding.  Where the final two blows crossed the others it had broken the skin.

Mistress laid down next to me and gathered me up in her arms.  She stroked my hair and told me that I was forgiven for all my mistakes and lapses.  And though she sympathized with my pain and loves me, seeing me writhe in agony, cry and plead had made her happy and very aroused. We then cuddled and talked. 

She had said she wanted to bleed me but now said she wouldn't do it tonight.  We had talked about this before we began.  I told her I wanted to.  She said that knife play was part of our love making and she was concerned with that being blurred into the punishment.  I had no difficulty with seperating that.  I knew she would never use a sharp instrument to punish me.  I had given her a knife especially for that purpose.  Last night I had cleaned the knife with alcohol and sealed it in plastic so it would be ready for her to use today.  My blood is something I have given only to her.  It was my gift, and situations being what they are at the moment, the only gift I have for her this holiday.  I handed her the knife, and offered her my shoulder (where she had proposed to cut before).  I had to concentrate so I didn't flinch when she pressed the blade of the knife to my skin.  She made a couple of deep scratches but it produced no blood.  Previously she had only used blades on my back and was suprised to find the skin here noticably thicker.  We stopped and talked a bit more before she tried again.  I posed myself leaning slightly away from her to pull tight all the muscles in that arm.  This time, very slowly, tiny red beads percolated to the surface.  She sucked at the cut and when she smiled there was blood on her front teeth.  She asked if she could make one more cut.  I took a deep breathe and tightened my arm again.  Where the two cuts crossed a red bubble formed, and dripped down my arm.  She lapped it up and rubbed her face in the cut.  When she looked up she was wearing my blood like lipstick.  She licked and sucked at the wound a bit more.  The glee in her voice made it all worth while.  She enjoyed her treat for a few more moments and reached for the first aid supplies.  All my cuts were carefully cleaned and salve applied.

After she was certain all the bleeding had stopped she gave me the assignment to journal about the evening's play.  There was one final stage to the punishment, which she had told me of before begining tonight.  While writing this I am sitting with my bare, bruised and reddened ass on sheets of sandpaper.  As long as I can sit still it just feels gritty and uncomfortable, but even the slightest shifting of my weight causes the tiny granuals to stab into the bruises.  Putting thoughts into words is a slow process for me.  For this brief entry I have been sitting on the sand paper for aproximately two hours.  Please do not think she is a cruel Mistress - while I was typing she brought me her special hot chocolate; real milk, slow simmered with dark chocolate and hazlenut. :)

Mistress has found that I very literaly have thin skin.  Pressure that should seem only enough to leave scratches can easily draw blood on me.  Likewise it only takes a few moderate swats on the same spot to leave a red glow.  She has been spanking me more often just to try and toughen up my bottom, and increase my endurance.  I do still worry sometimes that I can't take much of the s&m play.  I am definately not a pain slut by any measure.  She keeps telling me she is proud of how well I am progressing.  I still do look forward to the spanking sessions.  I still do not enjoy the pain, but it is a special type of intimacy between us.  This is something that was never a part of any of my previous relationships, something I never allowed any other partner to do to me.

Once again Mistress has shown herself to be a very responsible Domme.  I made several mistakes today.  She informed me I was going to be punished.  She explained what I had done wrong.  For me that was an important part of our contract - her promising to always tell me what I was to be punished for.  On one point I explained I had not understood what was expected.  On other tasks I had been careless and some type of correction is clearly called for.

I performed a few more chores while she read.  Then she informed me that my punishment would be postponed until tomorrow. She said she was stressed about other matters.  She wanted to be certain she was punishing me only for my own shortfalls and not for things that I was not responsible for.

Only a month?  It seems like I have been here with MistressYes much longer than that.  We are so comfortable together.  I was worried begining my first real D/s relationship, but she has made me feel more relaxed than I have been for a very long time. 

She wanted a sub who was respectful, but still capable of independant thought.  I had to be obedient, but still challenge her mind to keep her interested.  She has not forced me to do anything.  By allowing me to simply be who I am comfortable as my submissiveness has come out on its own.  I take care of her needs, clean, cook, and all of the things people would expect of a good subbie.  I want to keep doing more to please her.  No one would ever be able to force me to serve them, but she easily seduces me to surrender whatever she wants of me.

Tonight Mistress and I spent a quiet night at home.  She has been very pleased with me since I arrived and tonight offered me a simple reward, while I rubbed her back she read to me.  I am dyslexic so reading is a slow process and even reading fiction can often feel like a chore to me.  It is wonderfully relaxing treat to have her share a novel with me.  A simple and yet beautifuly intimate reward.

I'm finaly here!

After many delays I am finaly in NY with my Mistress.  It is just so good to finaly be here with her every day!  The first few days she was just so happy to have me here she kind of pampered me.  We haven't gotten into a regular routine yet, nor has my training realy started.  I have begun to assume my responsibilities to taking care of the house.  I am working hard to befriend Mistress's two furry quadrapeds.  One is very mellow, but the other is insanly jelouse and has a history of neurotically vendictive behavior. 

I have not actualy promised my Mistress unconditional service, but she knows she has it.  I can not say it because I am still afraid it is a promise I might not be able to keep.  Yet in such a short time nearly all the things I had stated as limits at the start are already gone, or are fading away.  Whenever she encounters one of my limits she just strokes me, and soothes me, until it melts away so she can go on with whatever game she wants to play with me.  Limits were to protect me.  Now Mistress will take care of me, so I guess there is no reason to have limits.

Hard limits - aren't. 

Of course I can only speak for myself and my personal experiences, but within that context, I have learned there really are no hard limits.  I am not saying I'm a 'no-limits' sub, I still don't believe there is such a thing.  There are always certain implied limits; at very least that the Dom/me will not kill the sub.  Aside from these extremes I have found everything in between is not an issue of activities, but only levels of trust.  Only a few months ago I had many limits; there were many things I just couldn't imagine consenting to.  MistressYes has already seduced me into surrendering most of my limits.  The few remaining are already melted, pliable enough that I don't expect them to stand very long.  Now I feel so comfortable with my Mistress, that I do not think there is anything I wouldn't do if She asked.  I do not enjoy pain, but I will tolerate it if I know it will please Her.  Well, that and Her aftercare makes it more than worth it. ;)

I would not want anyone to get the wrong idea.  Mistress has been exactly what I had originaly said I was looking for - a very gentle and patient Domme.  She has done *nothing* to push my limits or coherce me in any way. She just helps me see that there is nothing to fear and that only Her pleasure and happiness matter.  In the most extreme play we have had, I felt disappointed that She didn't take it further.  I wanted to prove myself to her, to show Her how far I would go for Her.  I trust Her judgement was correct.  She is far more experienced and perhaps has a better concept of what I can truely handle than I do myself.  Possibly in my eagerness to please Her I might have pushed myself too far.
  
My relationship with Her developed so fast it was unnerving that I could feel so comfortable with Her this soon.  I actualy spent a couple of weeks trying to come up with scenerios to scare myself.  I did not suceed.  Mistress was always so reasurring that the few things I could imagine that even made me nervous did not last long.  The most I can find now, is telling Her that there are some things I am not yet ready for... but that too shall pass. 

I have been choosen by MistressYes!  She has always been very kind and helpful to me, but I did not realize she had much stronger intentions for me.  Apparently she has been keeping an eye on me, and grooming me for her own purposes for some time before I was aware of it.

Tonight I will go to my first D/s party ever, being put on by a local group.  Unfortunately Mistress lives over a thousand miles away, so I will go alone, but I will be wearing her collar of intent.  I made it myself, talking to Mistress on the phone as I assembled it.  It is a simple leather collar with a gold tag that reads, "Reserved For Mistress (xxxx)".