I love some silly YouTube animal videos (baby goats in pyjamas always make me smile). The last one I saw made me think... A dog and a cat were confronted by a huge, scary monster of an insect. Both were afraid of it. The dog backed away and then watched it as entertainment. The cat froze momentarily, and then it attacked the bug. I realised that I am a cat. I have been told that before, but I just realised that I tend to confront things (after I freeze). Well, I also like to be pampered and stroked, of course. And I love dogs! 😊

i don't understand this at all: so many people choose terrifying names and images for their profiles and then claim to be gentle, patient doms. I am sorry, but I am not comfortable with LordSatanicDocettKiller (made up name) and pictures of skulls and bloody underground concrete rooms. I imagine that there are people who find that exciting, but I am not one of them. Why would people choose names and images like that if they are NOT looking for that kind of arrangement?

I don't know whether I should even be here, anymore. I feel like I aged 20 years in the last three since COVID. BTW, I mask indoors! Between arthritis, falls, and other health issues, I don't feel physically ideal anymore. I don't think quite as well as I used to, either. 

So many men are still posting about women they think are guided by 50 Shades of Grey, without having ever read it. If they did, they would realise that no woman bases relationship expectations on what happens in that book. The main character enjoys some kink play, but both she and the multibillionaire Dom acknowledge that she is NOT a submissive. And, while some women may fantasize about a relationship with a young, handsome, affectionate billionaire, noone is expecting to find it here.

It is odd... My profile says so much about me and the kind of man I would please: that is, patience and even temper are needed! I am honest, and I mean no harm or disrespect when I communicate with people here.

 All that said, I cannot understand how I seem to attract and bring out the worst kind of anger and ... meanness ... in many men. I know there are many kinds of doms - and many men here who may only want part of what others want in calling themselves doms. Still. It seems to me that to treat others with disrespect and anger shows only that such men are not ready for the beauties that a DS relationship can provide.

 "And that's all I've got to say about that."

There are so many ways of interacting and enjoying each other in this alphabet soup of WIITWD, but sometimes people have trouble matching their own particular set of needs and desires. I imagine that many people feel despair at times, grasp at any possibility of kink compatibility, or are scammed by predators. It can be tough, indeed! It is so easy to feel like you're being shunned on the Island of Misfit Toys. I sometimes feel all those things, but I know "the night is longer when the lad's not right." I hope to find someone with whom I will fit - as a person: a lover, companion, guide, and partner (not just as a kinky playmate). Here's hoping we all find what we want and need!

Sometimes I think I want to edit my profile by adding, "Incapable of being discreet!" ... in bold letters... in the largest size font. Then, I remember that I am addressing those of you out there who are available and unmarried and that it is better to be compassionate, gentle, and polite to others. So, I just sigh a little and shake my head in a pitying manner, instead.

I was just thinking about a model of a close DS/MS relationship about which I once read. The writer had used the concept of colors as filters - to explain the feeling one has of still being one's self - yet feeling as if you are ... more... as if you are part of something larger.

In the writer's model, if one primary color filter and another primary color filter join in a close DS/MS relationship, neither loses part of themselves when they become part of the other/part of the relationship. They now see the world through the filter of the relevant secondary color. They enhance their original views/selves. If/when they were to part, they would (probably) lose part of themselves: the extra color filter through which the relationship filter created their world - and they would each now see the world through their original filters.

Today, I started thinking about what we take away from previous relationships. Because, sometimes, we are changed by the experience. Perhaps the model is too simple... We may also be stretched and reshaped by these relationships. Some of us may retain some or all of what we became in a previous relationship - or retain it for longer - while others may revert to what they were before (more easily or more soon). Hmm...

Nothing of him that doth fade

But doth suffer a sea-change

Into something rich and strange...

A CM acquaintance and I were talking today about differences between DS and vanilla relationships. I had mistakenly ventured one last time into a vanilla relationship. Our discussion made me realise that the main differences (power exchange and defined roles) can actually be less important than other differences.

In DS relationships, communication can be deep and clear, partners can be more honest with each other and with themselves, transparency and trust can make the relationships more intimate, mutual responsibility can make the relationship so much closer, and the intensity and passion that all that makes possible? Mmmm. At least, that is how it seems to me to work in the best DS relationships, of course.

Here's hoping we all find what is best for each of us!

Someone recently told me that he (or she) was reading through my old journal entries. I went back to revisit some of them, at that point. What a journey it has been! I have corresponded with (and even met) so many different kinds of people here. Many of these acquaintances have been enjoyable. What I don't understand (and may never understand) is how even men who seem to be the good, strong, loving kind of doms can't, won't, or don't say goodbye in a way that fits my idea of a man worthy of service, devotion, or love. I suppose that I must feel that a (good) dom is more than human? That he should be able to be courteous and kind to a submissive woman, even when he is not "in role."

I suppose some people just wait for the other to respond to them and then forget - if the acquaintance is not particularly advanced. That CM eats some responses and people believe that the other discontinued the correspondence. I always wondered if men started seeing someone and just stopped talking with other women, hoping to keep the possibility open if the first did not work out. Or thought they were kinder to just go away? No knowing. Still. It seems that a kind, "So Long. Farewell. Auf wiedersehn [sp?]. Adieu" can be more difficult for some people to say than, "I'm sorry." Which last is another rant entirely!

Standard disclaimer: this was NOT a reflection about any recent pain triggering my abandonment or rejection issues. It was just my look backwards over my life online. 

I have often wondered why so many of us here address our profiles or journal entries to people we don't want. I imagine that many people on here are liars, scammers, wannabes, fakes, crazies or any of the other harsh names that some profiles have used to try to drive away predators or insane people. Someone else pointed out out the low probability that such people would read and respect the prohibitions, and I agree. Even more to the point, how are diatribes against such people going to attract someone better? I know very few people who find bitterness and anger attractive. And, if that's all that a profile shows... I imagine that my profile probably contains too much of that, too, so I suppose I should revise it. So that it will be addressed solely to the good, sane, dominant men whom I have met - and the One whom I still hope to meet here.

Once again, I've been thinking about an aspect of WIITWD: i.e., trust - and how it is created and destroyed. No one person did anything to create or destroy trust recently, so please don't wonder if I am hurt or grieving! Nothing is wrong. Trust Trust is neither a matter of the blind faith reserved for one's deity/deities of choice nor is it an on/off, all-or-nothing absolute. Trust can be relative and progressive, growing or shrinking with one's knowledge and understanding of what a person has done and is likely to do, in given circumstances. 

You can build, enhance, and maintain trust by the following: Making and following through on progressively larger/more important commitments, when the ability to do so is within your control. Sharing progressively personal information, over time and better knowledge of the other, and either showing that it is true or having it be capable of positive verification. Exhibiting behaviour that is consistent over time - and with opinions you state. Showing your concern for the feelings and well-being of others.

Conversely, trust can be destroyed or diminished by the opposite of such factors. Infidelity, abandonment, betrayal of confidences, etc. all can destroy trust. Any of the following can also diminish or even destroy trust:

* Failing to follow up on commitments - large or small - when the ability to do so is within your control.

* Making absolute commitments (large or small) and persuading people to rely on them when you know you have no control over reasonably foreseeable circumstances that could prevent you from honoring them.

* Failing to provide progressively personal information - with increased knowledge of the person with whom you are sharing - about your identity, interests, values, history, lifestyle, and career.

* Providing minor personal information that consistently turns out to be untrue or impossible to verify.

* Providing almost any crucial personal information that turns out to be untrue.

* Engaging in behaviour that is inconsistent - over time.

* Engaging in behaviour that is inconsistent - with opinions you maintain.

* Engaging in behaviour and/or words that show general lack of concern for the feelings or well-being of others.

* Engaging in behaviour and/or words that show near-total self-absorption, in a wide variety of circumstances.

So many subs (myself included) have been willing - or even eager - to become whatever and whomever our partners want us to become. Still, it is so much better when a partner sees you as a precious stone to be faceted or polished (rather than as generic raw clay of some grade). It means that a partner seeks to understand you, to appreciate you, and to value you, as an individual. He works to bring out the best in you - a most wonderful feeling and gift. I am so grateful and happy when someone does that for me. It feels like I can never do enough in return -- but it is my delight to try.

Ever since I returned from my trip this winter, I have been working on a show. It is a short run: a total of only seven performances. Three are left. 

I am home from London - and  wishing I were still there (except for the thin, hard mattresses). So many people were friendly and helpful, and I had such a good time: sightseeing, visiting with friends, watching some amusing shows, and attending a munch. I could get used to this...  I think - hope! - that 2011 may be my year of travel.

Re-surfacing

Whenever one submerges, one eventually return to the surface. Sometimes, that can be painful. I keep thinking of different diving metaphors, although I don't (yet) know how to dive. Still, no wonder that resurfacing too rapidly after going too deep can feel so shattering. Decompression, isn't it? People talk about sub drop (as in top drop), but I think what happens with subs can be more like the bends. And perhaps not: going back down seems to cure it quite well.

Illusion and Fantasy
They can illuminate a life that is going through a tough patch. They can be enjoyable mental candy. They are the seeds of change, the whiteboards of the creators who turn dreams into reality. There are so many varied and good uses for fancy - although it needs no justification. It enriches almost any aspect of life (sushi, single malt whisky, a good cookie, and a perfect kiss have no need of such enrichment).

It seems to me, though, that when sane people engage in fantasy relationships, there should be informed, voluntary consent by both. Folie a deux is insanity - or cruelty (when inflicted knowingly and intentionally). 

I don't think there is anything wrong with the people here who have decided that they like their own lives - except for the lack of WIITWD or  romance or adventure or whatever it is that they are missing. There is nothing wrong with taking online partners who accept that.

But why not be explicit and find someone who does accept that, too? I am sure there are many who rooted for Sarah to stay inside the bubble dream in Labyrinth - who want something like that for themselves, as well (or are willing to accept it out of feelings for you). Why else would there be all the men pretending to be women on this site (other than the mercenary reasons, of course)?

I suppose it may be because most of these people know they can only carry it so far before they no longer wish to - or can - sustain it. Knowing that the bubble will burst for them or their partner, after a while. So, I suppose they cannot be honest and candid about what they want?

No: that doesn't sound right to me. Perhaps they just don't let themselves think of the people on the other end of the keyboard as being real. Some may even fill in gaps to create a creature who bears little resemblance to the person on the other end of the keyboard. I don't know.

I do know that mind games played without consent are head games. And that head cases tend to like playing head games. Not my kind of gaming. For what it's worth, this entry was not a rant or a complaint against any individual. It was me trying to understand the way people have treated me and other people with whom I have spoken (here and offline). Both men and women seem to engage in treating others here as imaginary friends when they are dealing with real people who have lives and feelings.

So, come on people: "be excellent to each other!" And yes: I really did just quote Bill and Ted. ::shaking head ruefully::

I have also been thinking of limits lately. It seems that some dominants may view them as manipulative or topping from the bottom or otherwise inappropriate. Perhaps some people really act that way - but not all of us do. And sometimes we can move beyond what we see as our limits, but that is less likely to happen without regrets or self-reproaches or even shame spirals (for some of us) unless it occurs in the context of a stable, pre-existing relationship. 

And some of us have learned that even if you choose to reject or punish us for respecting our own limits (when you won't), we are better off: the natural consequences of crossing some boundaries can cause so much more emotional pain in the long run!

I realized how helpful it would be if dominants would consider taking more control over safewords.

That is, many submissives will not use safewords (or use them correctly), even when they have been hurt beyond what they could take or past anything their partners would have wanted them to endure. They may not understand when to use them. They may endure cramps or other unintended side effects of play. If they finally do use a safeword (long after they should have), they often meet with blame for not having used it sooner.

Some submissives view using their safeword as failure. Failing their partners and themselves.  I don't know if they (we) all consciously realize that we are doing so or if we just want to please so much that this desire masks our ability to discern it.

Even if the use isn't a failure, some people immediately stop a scene (or interlude) when
a partner uses a safeword. Just stop. Over. The suddenness of that can be jarring for both people. Better to endure a little more than to be yanked from the protected, cherished moment. The problem with that is that there's only so long you can manage sometimes. And then, how much worse to have suffered (and perhaps have crossed hard limits) and then to suffer even more when you finally must safeword anyway.

I thought about possible answers. What if partners discussed in advance the specific circumstances in which safewords would be used, a plan for gradually ending the action or for temporarily stopping to ascertain what was wrong and to correct any problems capable of correction? And what if dominant partners ordered their submissive partners to use the safewords in that manner?

Would it be something like this? If you are nearing the end of your ability to endure, you will say orange. If the intensity of the pain is nearing the point of being too intense, but you can continue taking it for a longer time, you will say yellow. If you have a cramp or desperately need to use the bathroom or something else we can adjust is wrong, you will say... blue... If I ask you how you are, you will use one of those safewords if one of them is true.

None of those means failure or the immediate end of a scene.

A long time ago, a dominant friend told me that the movie Leap of Faith demonstrated a lot of what doms use to create or enhance rapport and scenes. At first, I was confused and even horrified. After a while, I just accepted (as a part of reality) that some people are grifters and that others may feel the need to borrow in order to be "better" than they feel they are.

Still, it seemed dishonest and disrespectful, in many ways - and made me more skeptical than many. Which didn't prevent me from believing the wrong words, the wrong men.

Recently, however, I realized that no one makes you believe lies and deceptions without your co-operation. Your desire to believe. Illusions can be so... "shiny!"

Some of you have been hurt, used, or betrayed. I feel for you. I admire those of you who have healed or transcended such difficulties; I have been there, too, so I know it's not easy.

Still. Please don’t project your hurt and anger onto me. I am not the wife, lover, boss, mother, sister, brother, father, friend, or other person who hurt you. Don’t try to hold me accountable for what other people did to you.
 
I didn’t do it, I can’t change it, and I won’t accept it. I wish you health and healing – and a successful search for someone else!

Life taught me a strange lesson. I had no idea that I could be a slave, and it frightened me when I found that, inside me, I belonged to someone else. What a surprise to discover that there could be joy as well as the fear (and pain)! Among other things, losing one's self can make it possible for a master and a slave to form something that is larger and better than either is alone. And that you can emerge from the union whole and better for the experience – even if the pain of it not lasting can be... well, let's leave that scab alone. I don’t know if it will ever happen to me again – or if I could live through that kind of pain again. Still, I am grateful that I experienced it. “Learning all the time!”

I started reading Recent Journals; sometimes people raise such intriguing ideas. One person recently wrote about the amazement of trust. Of the miracle of being able to trust people to protect you even from themselves. Such a deceptively simple idea on the surface, but such a complex and lovely possibility the longer you consider it...

Of course, on here, we all seem to be imaginary people (until we meet in person). How do you know when it is safe to trust - and how far? I hope people remember to take care of themselves. Broken trust can make people doubt everything, including themselves.

Link to a journal entry (about relationships) that I enjoyed reading. The poster says many things that others say, but he says them well. Also, it's good to read them occasionally - to believe that it can be out there.

http://www.collarme.com/personals/i/759413/viewjournalentry.htm

"I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was service. I acted and behold, service was joy."

- Rabindranath Tagore

Whenever I log out of CM, I see pictures and profiles of very young women who look like models. The way their profiles are written usually sounds ... strange. Not at all like the 18-21 year olds they claim to be. Not at all like most women I know.

Stupid Thought of the Day

Increasingly often, I encounter situations that show me how important communication style is in determining general compatibility (of friends or lovers). For example, some people joke or flirt online - and that's how they get to know others; others may have no feelings of connection to interest them in flirting with total strangers, so premature flirting/joking may seem inane, inappropriate, or boring. Some people love to pepper their communications with emoticons, LOLs, and similar shortcuts; others may think of this style as immature, inane, or boring.

I look at CM's profile questions and wonder why they didn't include a "Needs but Hates" choice... Need I say more?

I do not have a "slave heart" or a yearning desire to "submit myself fully and completely" to total strangers with whom I could not hold a 30 minute conversation. I do not give myself to others with the casual indifference with which I would pass the salt to someone at a nearby table.

Yay for end of summer vacations! I am off for a wonderful week or so and am not planning to check mail here at all.

I saw the following quotation and link on one of the message boards recently, and I wanted to save them and remember them...

"The anger of a serial bully is especially apparent when they come across someone who can see through them to espy the weak, inadequate, immature, dysfunctional aggressive individual behind the mask."

[that came from the bullyonline dot org website, in the /related/cyber.htm area]

Just because we may not be interested in each other does not mean that we need to attack each other. I usually see only weakness and inadequacy when I see one person bullying another.

I really need to plan better. My favorite jeans that I wanted to wear tomorrow? Not washed - and someone else is using the machine now. It is not good when a whole day escapes without my having accomplished anything beyond the basics - and enjoying the day. 

The sun was warm, and the breeze gentle. I saw a  round of robins [sp? insert correct collective noun] in the backyard. Hmmmm. No clean jeans? Maybe it was not good to let my chores go, but it was good enough for me. For today.

For me, this relationship dynamic involves just the individual people sharing it - not gender politics. I am not into female supremacy, but I am not into male supremacy, either.

Yet, gender politics seems to be an important component of this scene for a number of people. I wonder if there are really so many people out there who fear or just do not like the opposite gender? Perhaps it is partly the stress of the season that seems to make some people act or sound angrier or more fearful than they might usually.

I find uncontrolled anger and hostility to be unattractive and unpleasant to be around (at the least) and frightening (at worst) - although I do not allow myself to be bullied. Trust, comfort, and mutual respect and appreciation (in addition to power exchange) are what this is about for me - I don't know how I could submit to (and even enjoy) some of the more humiliating aspects of it all without trust, comfort, and mutual respect and appreciation. 

Anyhow, that's my contribution for today. 

Let's see. It's been a while since I have been here. I got back together with my ex for a while. He was wonderful: I hurt my arm just before I moved, and he helped me and took good care of me). I wish he could accept/get the help he needs.

The two plays I was in this spring are done, and we have final scenes for my class tonight. Then I get a break for a month before starting rehearsals and prep for three shows this Summer/Fall.

It has been an interesting time. We have been rehearsing a show since November, and we opened this weekend. It is a short run (we only have one more rehearsal this week and then two more performances). I almost miss it already. It has been a fulfilling and worthwhile use of my energy - and feeling like I am part of something (like the cast/the show) has been good in terms of keeping me from getting too intensely involved with unsuitable partners. DS/DD is imortant to me, and I do not want to make some of the mistakes I have made in the past.