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Some blunt and friendly advice when you contact me if you don't want to get snark from me so we don't spoil each other's day. This also helps you and helps me filter if we will get along or not. And you WILL get snark from me if you demand of me anything I already upfront said no to, as I am tired of doms who has reading comprehension problems contacting me.
1) Please stroll down to the end and look at my hard limits and maybe have a glance at my journal to decide if there is any compatibility first, before you contact me. My list of pictures are a pretty good indication of the style of D/S I enjoy too. If that resonates with you, contact me.
2) I am not a service sub, so look away if you are looking for one, I'm just a sexual bottom who is motivated by sexual consensual non-consensual-ish based bdsm treatment. If this makes sense to you, then do contact me!
3) Do not ask for my face picture, you're a stranger and I will never trust you with it.
4) Do not ask me to webcam, I do not have a camera on my PC
5) Do not dictate where you want me to chat with you in, and then throw a kiddy tantrum at me when I refuse to use those mediums with you, whether skype or yahoo etc. Best is to exchange messages with me through collarspace messaging system. If we establish a closer friendship, we may move on to emails, but I don't have time to focus on real time instant chats as I am often multitasking.
6) If you send me criticizing negative messages, be prepared to get plenty of negativity and hostility in return, so I suggest, don't bother. Respectful, friendly and nice people will get the same good behaviour from me in return.
7) One liners will not be responded to, I am not a one liner person, so I already know mentally we won't click if you are a shy one liner as I think you are giving me a bad impression of your leadership capabilities as a dom, if you expect me to lead the conversation. So I know we won't suit.
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About ME
I am single, available and divorced from a vanilla marriage with no children. I'm looking to be with a laid-back, loving, naturally dominant straight male, who wants a family of his own with me, and as well as have a life long fun kinky sexual relationship together.
I am introverted and not very good at small talk. But I see myself as a loyal, nurturing and encouraging person. I am a better listener than I am of a conversation leader. I believe in men and women traditional roles, growing up, I felt so much pressure to do everything a man can do, and to be everything a man can be. But it's just what society pushes women to do these days. It's not what I want. I want to be second in command, to be a man's support system, his assistant, but not be the one leading him. I want my priorities to be the needs of my husband and my children. For me, I think I am only successful in life if I had a happy husband and emotionally, mentally and physically healthy children. Career achievements and goals means nothing to me. It's something I've been fed that I should be ambitious and aim for those things, but it never made me happy or fulfilled, and I feel empty without a man to care for.
I am also a woman who is completely comfortable with my sexuality and fully embrace the gift that is given to me, being a woman and what we can experience sexually, and I revel in it. I work best with a man who understands a woman's body and the heights he could bring her, and also a man who doesn't hold any derogatory double standards towards women enjoying sex for sex.
I love movies, live music, reading romance novels, inline skating, snorkeling, diving, traveling, wining and dining, and live for calculated thrills and adventures.
My Ideal Life Partner
The kind of dominant I am looking for will believe that the true strength in a man is not measured by dominating the weak, but by possessing, subduing, controlling and conquering that which is powerful. (Reference: AE William)
He would be tall, 5'11 and above, big like 200lbs and above, and older than me up to 53 yr old max. He would understand me, and I would be able to trust him to take care of my physical, mental and emotional well-being. He should believe that love and D/S can co-exist together and infact IS the ingredient that makes the relationship most fulfilling. He needs to be articulate and be good in communication.
He would make me crave for his physical attentions on me, be lusty and have a mighty sex drive that could match mine, love giving sexual attentions to his sub. I have an insatiable ability to multiple cum for long hours, and I need a man who thinks that's heaven to be with and not get bored with it.
We should be able to have deep and meaningful conversations together, joke and laugh together and be able to do normal vanilla things together too. Be my best friend.
He would be gentlemanly, stable, mature, patient, calm and good tempered, with a great sense of humour during play and likes cats. He should be sane and have a realistic understanding of how a D/S relationship can mesh with real life successfully. He should have good social and communication skills, and be cool, calm and chill when dealing with conflicts.
And no married men please. I'm seeking an exclusive committed long term relationship with the intention of marriage and starting a family together. Where we could be positive, loving, encouraging and supportive towards each other and sexually rock each other world, sharing complimentary kinky interests and cravings. I would worship you, love you, and revolve my schedule as much as possible around you and your convenience if necessary to make us work. I believe when there is deep love and trust, alot of things can be worked out.
BDSM should just be two people having fun together, enjoying each other, be playful with each other and not so dreary with all the fixations on protocols, that's my opinion.
You may want to read my journal to get the feel of me and decide from there if we have anything in common, before you contact me.
(PS: I notice half of the stuffs I write in here have been wiped out. None of the colours and font size works anymore. The atting is broken. Will need to find time to re-do my profile. My hard Limits list is missing)
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My biggest fear in life is losing someone I love deeply to death.
I didn't expect to experience this so young.
He is not dead yet. But it's getting closer to become a reality. And also, it feels like, it could just happen out of no where. And I don't want to face the reality that this is happening.
I am completely non-religious precisely because of the things in life that happen beyond your control. Natural Disasters, Accidents and Critical Illnesses. If I was religious, you can be sure I am blaming the Creator for these things, that somehow he did these things and took away lives, while claiming to care. And then I'd just feel pissed at him and think his an evil fuck.
People are full of shit on Critical Illness if anybody claim it's 100% preventable through healthy living and diet.
When it happens, it happens, you could do everything right.
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I notice my profile has gone haywire! Something about using colours is messing up in this site! Eeeks!
Gonna leave it in a mess for a few days to see if it fix itself. |
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First of all, I just want to mentioned that I have been into BDSM since a child. Indulge in it since my teenage years. All my life really. So I was already into it, and messing around with it way before 50 Shades exists. And you know what was my first BDSM movie ever? It's a pretty brutal one, called Salo. It's very hardcore and very hard to watch. It's like a bunch of evil dudes holding a bunch of teenagers as sex slaves. It's apparently a movie base on the book 120 days of Sodom by Marquis De Sade. The inventor of Sadism isn't it? So I guess anything written by him is gonna be pretty horrifying. I think the most horrifying part of it is, it's clearly non-consensual sexual abuse to horrifying extents and then they still all end up tortured to death. It's hard to watch.
And then I watched Story of O next. And then Secretary. And now 50 Shades.
When the movie came out. The first time I went to see it, was to take a Vanilla man to see it and attempt to give him some idea about BDSM. As I was trying to introduce it to him.
But then because I didn't really know what's the content, I end up explaining to him how everything the main lead did was not okay in BDSM lol. Because you know, the main lead is like very emotional and had alot of childhood issues and basically uses BDSM to inflict his anger on the women he play with. And that is wrong.
But the female character is great. She stood up for herself and didn't take his shit. And left him.
Anyway, I just watched the 3rd movie today. Of course this is after they kissed and make up and basically had communication and all and redefine the parameters of how they are having BDSM in their life.
And I have to say, 3rd movie dynamic is the dynamic I want.
The key is that, they no longer take it seriously. Like the guy loosen up and got over his "master complex". And they are both having fun. It's playful and fun for both. And that's how I feel it should be like. There should be alot of fun and giggles. And Joy!
I just can't stand it when some dominants want it so damn serious. It's just, it should be fun and natural and just full of joy.
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What I miss most about Collarspace's Forum is that, it's a bunch of kink folks, who we all know each other are into kinks.
But the conversations are anything but kink. Mostly politics and current affairs. But it's great!
No wank fodder conversations.
It's what I love about it.
I miss that alot.
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In my life time, I have met men who fell inlove with me and set the bar so high.
The problem is, I couldn't make it last. Every relationships comes alot of efforts and investment into it. Emotional Investment and Time Investment.
Then again, anybody who is available looking right now, also had a past relationship they couldn't keep. And I think hopefully, eventually, we can get it right.
My last, he was taken away from me by fate and life. Anybody who have a love one fallen by critical illness. Must know it's like a force against your control, murdering your love one.
Each relationship, I try to learn lessons from it. Wanting the next one to be wiser. Just better. I want to be a better person to him.
Each time, the new person I meet tops the last.
But what if nobody tops my last this time?
That's what I feel so hopeless about. Something is different this time.
Ever been in a relationship where you felt you didn't have to make any compromises? Because both of you are just so into the same things, there is nothing to compromise about because you both love all the same things? On top of that, he been through the same pain and baggage as I did, so he completely understands the most painful part of me that nobody ever did.
Past relationships had compromises, so there is always room for finding someone who were compatible in areas where you were not.
This time, it is difficult, so I find bonding with anybody new so difficult now. As I feel like we are so far apart in understanding each other most the time. And all the communication couldn't breach the gap.
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Today is just another day, someone misinterprets what kind of dynamic I am looking for.
But I been thinking about this. Most dominants loves control. Some just love sexual control and don't really care about other ect of your life and others, they want to micro-manage every single ect of the woman's life, right till her food and her drinks and what time she can use the bathroom. I've met all kinds.
But the kind of dominants who fits me is somebody who can delegate and trust someone else to take care of the less important things themselves.
Imagine if he is the boss. He needs a right hand he can trust to be his eyes and ears and make decisions on his behalf. Because he trusts this person to handle an area in his life, for example an household, where he doesn't need to do anything about it or even bother with it. Unless she needs help and asked for it, then he steps in and look at the situation and help her out to solve her problem.
This is the type of person I see myself in my man's life. We need to trust each other to make decisions on behalf of our entire family nucleus. It can't be control for the sake of control. It's just dumb if it's that way. I should be empowered and not treated like I am useless in everything that he gotta manage every single thing himself and direct me like I am a toddler.
Another reason I don't do Daddy Little Girl dynamic. I do not wish to be treated like a perpetual Little Girl. I want to be treated like a grown woman he respects and wants to take care of, but also wants to see her grow as a person. And hopefully, my job is to make his life easy. Whatever gets delegated to me gets over seen or done smoothly. I am efficient.
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It's always interesting the tug of war of control.
The thing is, I am a very analytical person on a person's behaviour towards me.
I often look at it in a very psychological manner.
And subtle manipulation is an art when done beautifully by a man, I love it and secretly feel thrilled by it.
Even though I am fully aware I have been manipulated to do exactly what he wanted me to do.
I want to say, a man in my life, my BFF is master of this. I think he does it at work and other areas in his life too.
Everything with a purpose to produce a certain result to make things go his way, but it's never in your face, forceful and you barely know it's happening when it's happening. He is a vanilla person totally but the dominance is all there.
The problem is, alot of men mis-read me and my vulnerabilities. When I am open and vulnerable with them, because I am generally always looking to form meaningful connections and you can't form emotional bonds by being closed up. They see a weakness they can exploit, and then I catch it immediately and feel disappointed by the motives. But if everyone was ideal, then I guess the one that finally really meshes with you wouldn't be so special. So..., this is how things are gonna go... |
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I don't get the idea of men with full on submissive profiling looking for a mistress and all, write me and claim he is a dominant or master looking for a slave.
I tell you what's the first thought that goes into my mind.
Dude can't get laid with dommes, so they figure out submissives are easier targets.
I don't get the strategy though. Surely no submissive is gonna even go along with that.
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Alot of things I write makes sense only to me.
I find that, when people read my profile, it's amazing the multiple various different interpretation that is vastly different from my definitions or what I am thinking when I am writing it.
So how do I know when the right one appears?
When he completely gets and understand every word I wrote and interprets it correctly.
Apparently, it's not so simple.
I feel completely not understood in what I desire. |
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I am a person who goes with whatever my intangible feelings tell me, so alot of decisions I make is by how I feel. And that's it.
Anyway, there has been several different types of people who messages me, and I pretty much read it and delete it and don't respond. Here is the list of what type.
1) Having nothing to say. Just "Hi, How are you?" or just "Hi" does not make good conversation for me. And honestly, I hate people asking me how is my day or how am I doing. I just hate it. So even though it's a polite question.
I never do this when I message people. I always say something meaningful after reading their profile and will ask a question relevant to what I have read about him. So you know, that's my style and I know I get along better with men who shares my style of starting a conversation.
2) Men younger than me. I seldom reply men who are younger than me, even if they probably said something really nice. Probably because, I just feel uninterested in having conversations with younger men. I would rather talk to a 99 yr old than a 30 yr old.
One of the things is, older men exists in a time period before I was born. And I am always interested in their life stories. Because life during their growing up years is so interesting and different from mine.
I would probably talk to a younger guy if he said something that show exceptional wiseness or insight. But that never happens. They often sound like their age.
And I think a few of them are looking for guidance, and I don't feel like educating people, because, end of the day, every woman is an individual in her needs and wants, even in BDSM. It's up the each individual man to interpret it correctly and hopefully get it right and bond with her.
3) Nasty messages, I actually do respond to quite a few of these. I think because, most of them are so childish and it amuses me. But most of them goes on my block list when I get tired of interacting. And sometimes when I am not in the mood to play. I just delete and block them too.
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So I think, it's crystal clear to me, what is the biggest problem in forming a D/S relationship for me.
I NEED to feel emotional safety to want to be submissive to a man.
But alot of dominants don't understand at all the concept of emotional safety. Most are only good at physical safety.
So I never feel safe. IF I don't feel safe with him emotionally. I don't feel submissive towards him because I cannot trust him to care for my feelings. |
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Women are deeply emotional creatures.
We are built this way.
Yet most men don't like women to be emotional.
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Maybe I gave it too much credit.
Maybe even friendship is impossible now. |
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Today is the day the second dragon has ended.
I had two dragons.
Technically the first dragon who left is still with me in spirit. I use spirit because we still talk everyday but we just don't physically meet anymore and he is somewhat there for me and checks in on me periodically.
I don't know what will happen with the second dragon. Just because the physical relationship is over. Probably our friendship will always stay, like the first dragon.
I think so. And it's the friendship that is more precious to me. |
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I am just thinking.
In a event of a non consensual rape. I mean the real thing.
What is worst? When someone beat the crap out of you, point a gun to your head, and basically violently made you submit?
Or if they took you against your will, but was gentle and loving and careful with raping you, and on top of that, was determined that even though you said no and don't want this, that you are gonna cum from it.
After math, I personally think.
The more violent person who forced you, alleviate your guilt a little because you didn't enjoy it and you suffered terribly from it.
But if you felt pleasure out of it, it becomes more humiliating than suffering physical abuse from it.
Of course the worst double whammy is getting violent first, and then later, to further make things worst, the gentleness and loving touch.
Nobody wants a non-consensual rape. No matter what, it will be a nightmare and anything that took your choice away from you is horrible.
It's very different in BDSM, in any kind of rape play where, it was your choice to go into this situation, with full knowledge that it is gonna be a rape scene.
Anyway, rape play is one of my favourite things. I am just saying, some men think rape play always gotta be rough. But for me, sometimes being raped is how you manipulate the inner feelings, and not just the physical force.
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I think the biggest problem in life is that, people change, and I don't.
I kinda stay constant and the same.
I don't feel any different from 15 to my late 30's now.
I don't even think adults advice was wiser now that I am an adult. Infact, I actually see instead that many adults were projecting their own insecurities on me when I was a teenager, telling me that they know better than me.
I never once had advice from an adult when I was young that I value today. Okay..., maybe just one, but he is something else. I was following his philosophy in life as a teenager. Which basically revolves around, you can make your own reality, do anything you want, and basically take responsibility for the decisions you make and you gotta take ownership of the consequences for those decisions, which I agree with.
But I also kinda do some insignificant amazing things, because I didn't allow an adult to tell me that I can't do it because I was a kid. I just believed that I can. And I went to do it.
But I love the same music today that I loved at 15. I love the same food. I still carry the same philosophy. Everything sexual I loved at 15, it has not evolved. I still love the precise same things, BDSM and Vanilla. Throughout my years, while I have explored things that I know I won't like. And I am never wrong. I still don't like it.
So in a way, I am pretty stagnant, and I keep watching people around evolve and grow and change.
And I am watching this in my best friend now. My best friend for the last five years. And because of these changes. It may cause us to grow apart. And that makes me very sad. When you know, we stop being inline and it's hard to be supportive to each other in that situation. And then you stop communicating and talking to each other as much as before.
And it's really sad because we were so insync.
And I guess, people come and go. They stay when they are good for each other and part when they are no longer. I have had such a hard time, letting him go as he is seriously, in my life time, I had alot of best friends. One at a time, they were almost like boyfriends, except, I guess most of my ex-boyfriends were frivolous relationships, but my ex-best friends, who were all male, were the ones that were emotionally deeper, in some strange way, it just was. It also has to do with my crazy psych to not associate emotional closeness to a sexual relationship. So I see boyfriends for a physical relationship and best friends for a emotional relationship. And I often trust my bestfriend more than my boyfriend. So..., anyway...., I am losing my best friend or on the verge to. I don't know if we can repair what's broken. I am still trying, but he might stop and then it's over.
I was just hearing a bitter girlfriend said the other day like why do people bother getting married at all? What's the point? It never last.
And you know what? It's so weird. I mean, yea, all my relationships are failures. My marriage failed.
But I have seen too many successes, too many people who married the right one and is still lovingly with each other today. I have seen too many to be negative about marriage. I actually am always happy for people who find love and want to get married.
And I still hope that one day, I will find the one I can have happily forever with. It's just about meeting your sync and this sync needs to be more established I guess, in his direction, his beliefs, his everything. So that, hopefully, it won't change. And what brought you guys together, is able to keep being there.
I have always hope I can find this emotional closeness and sexual sync with one person. But that search is tough. It's always only half fulfilled. And then you ponder if you should settle, which the conclusion is always, not a good idea to feel like you settled for someone. I think it's important to feel like the person you chose is like your number 1 choice. It also makes you blind towards others in the future. That's how I stay faithful in my marriage, i felt my ex-husband was the best man on earth I married. And other men cease to exist. I chose my ex-husband. But well, yea, it didn't work out, because, he fell inlove with someone else. He was generally blind to other women until this particular one. And trust me, it's a tough one. She was a very specific mix of his dream. In terms of mix race. I took one look at her and I knew I was in trouble and she was like, what he thought he could never have.
But end of the day, I think on a certain level, I knew my ex-husband was risky. I took the gamble as he was a great husband, in terms of how lovingly he treated me and made me feel loved. I was happy in that marriage, some of the happiest times of my life.
And if I go through my entire life without finding another again to settle down with. I will always have memories of how for 7 years of my life, I managed to have my dream marriage with a dream man and we were happy.
Long lasting marriages doesn't equal happy marriage at all. I know this from my parents. And many unhappily stuck together for life people. Usually it's financial reasons or kids.
So it means nothing either.
I don't know what to say to my girlfriend who had a rough string of relationship failures. Also, I've seen too many strong women fallen by abusive relationships. I think it's because they been holding up so strong that when they find someone they could let themselves be vulnerable with which is hard, then it becomes like, hard to accept when the guy start turning abusive. And abusers are often also most charming.
And honestly, I only got 3 major men in my life. Ex-husband. Ex-dom who I decided in the end, we couldn't survive long term as our outside BDSM direction is too different, we came from different worlds and don't underestimate what cultural differences can do to create crazy conflict. And my last guy, got cancer. But I loved them all! And when I was happy, I was so happy.
I need to open up my heart to love again. It's been closed. I feel a little open now.
And I will be sad if me and my bestfriend could not work things out. We are on a brink. I hope for best.
But it's like a jigsaw puzzle really, finding anything. Finding all the pieces and putting it together. And I suck at jigsaw puzzles. |
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I bond with a man more like a stereotypical male than a stereotypical female.
Stereotypical female needs mental connection first, before she could move on to feel physical connection, and her physical connection is connected to how mentally and emotionally connected she feels towards a man.
For me, it's the opposite. I need the physical connection first, before I could allow myself to mentally or emotionally bond with a man.
If the physical connection is not there, the man is friend zone.
And because of that, I tend to want to jump into the physical first, because seriously..., developing a mental and emotional connection, just makes this man my brother, my best friend. But it will not make me develop romantic feelings for him. This has to do with, I have great mental and emotional connection with my blood brother, but does this mean I like him romantically and want him sexually? No. It just has no correlation to sexual connection to me.
He has to physically connect with me. And what I mean by physical connection is, he needs to feel compatible with me sexually. Like we just get each other in bed. Not just any sex. Any sex is easy right? It's sexual connection that is most difficult. Connecting sexually on the same wavelength. Loving the same things.
You see in many ways. When it comes to mental and emotional compatibility. Opposite can attract in that arena too where both strength and weaknesses can complement each other. And relationships are filled with compromises anyway.
But sexually, it gotta be the same, two people need to love the same things. As personally for me, I will not be able to be happy with sexual compromises. I want to be with someone who loves everything in BDSM and sex that I love. Be my twin in that arena.
That's what will make me love him beyond just a good friend. But this means, long distance relationships will never work for me, because I need the physical.
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I have been thinking about my past relationships and how it occur.
The thing is. It's natural. I would go through years of second guessing myself, if I am being too fussy or too picky and maybe I should settle for someone less than ideal for me.
But all my major loves, vanilla and dominants. Were instantaneous. We didn't need weeks or months of getting to know each other.
The attraction is often instantaneous, searing and it starts from first conversation, where both just gets each other, it's like a conversation of instant mutual understanding with each other totally understanding what each other are talking about. It always starts like that. Then you immediately wanna check him out in bed in hope that part works too. And the ones I end up with, that's what happens. Bedroom works too mutually. And then we become inseparable.
But this is not something that will happen everyday. This is like once in 7 years type of frequency.
The time in between, you kinda spend alot of time getting to know alot of men you are uncomfortable with, on the fence with, and just unsure about. Who doesn't seem to understand you or get you at all. The conversations are like, just not connecting well. That's majority of the time how it feels like. I never felt understood sexually, in my BDSM kinks, and just being understood for me. It's hard to feel attraction to men who do not understand you. Even though he is interested and is nice. But it's like when you are explaining trying to make him understand, he never gets it. It's like..., there is no connection.
And that's how my love life always worked. I have never fallen inlove with someone I knew for a long time. It's always either instant. Or never....
I need to feel passion, connection, and be filled with respect and admiration for that person. I haven't felt like this for someone since my last who I met 3 years ago.
Lately, it's been frustrating to me, that I've been contacted by many men who read my profile and didn't understand a single word of it. Their interpretation of it is so completely off from whatever I am saying. It's just like, am I speaking alien?
End of the day. Mutual understanding, feeling mutual understanding with someone, who I get him and he gets me, I think is the most important factor to me in a life mate. I seriously need that in my life.
I can't settle for someone who thinks he likes me and we can work this shit out, but then we are miscommunicating the whole time, with him not getting anything. But this essentially means also that I don't understand him. And that's bad. We are just not speaking the same language.
I have an idea of the kind of loving relationship I want to have in my life. And it involves a man who can effectively communicate with me and I can communicate with him. I like to talk. I love having alot of discussions. And I like men who can express what they are feeling very well too. Or articulating their point of view very precisely and detailedly.
End of the day, the last dominant ask me what exactly am I looking for?
Well...., mutual understanding. If you find mutual understanding with anyone, whether just a friendship or a relationship. It's gonna be great. It's that simple.
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A dominant, self proclaim expert sadist is claiming that someone who enjoy spanking is a masochist. Suggesting that I am a masochist. And because he is such a coward and cannot accept intelligent rational response to his assertion, he blocked me like a pussy baby. And his is 57 too. Mentally 4 yr old I guess. So I am unable to educate him on his ignorance.
I 100% disagree with this!
There are two types of spanking:
1) People who are sadist and spank for pain and they fit well with masochist who wants more and more pain, so they will spank in a way to inflict pain. And with the right maso, she will enjoy it and crave for pain.
2) Then there is spanking to elicit orgasm. With somebody who is skillful in forced orgasms techniques. Spanking is only one of the many techniques that you can take a woman already numbing out at her peak orgasm to greater heights of orgasmic torture.
And in such situation where you have done alot of mental preparation to built up to this. There is no pain at all. Completely painless. Now this is the type of spanking technique I like. While this type of spanking is not at all soft and may leave marks, but it's all technique and build up only one who spanks for pleasure knows. Sadists who gets off on pain wouldn't understand.
So no, just because a woman likes spanking, it does not mean she is a masochist. For me, I am not into pain. The moment I feel pain, I will scream my safe words.
And the dominants I've been with, are pleasure spankers and not sadist. They spank with precision timing and rhythm to take you to heaven. And not to hurt you with pain at all.
I have experienced spanking with pain, safe words happens immediately. And I will never play with that person again. As I am not into pain. Even an Ant Bite is too painful for me. And I cry at injections at the doctors like a baby as I cannot take any pain.
And the more I think about this. How inexperience is this dude, who claim 30 yrs of experience, if all his years of being into this. He thinks it's a lie that spanking can be painless. Does he not understand the human biology response? There are ways to use pain to make the mind interpret it as pleasure.
Pain is only how the mind interprets it. It's pretty one-dimensional and amateurish to just spank for pain.
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It's absolutely hilarious that a dominant feels that my past relationships with my dominants are fictional when he asked what I enjoyed and I described what worked for me in the past with my dynamic with my exdoms.
Do people even realise this is BDSM? And there are alot of incredible real things that are going on and people are living it when they find their ideal match?
I guess they never experienced it themselves.
Here is another thing. Word of advice how to weed out fakes.
If you are eager for a woman, any woman to relocate to you, if she is too eager to agree immediately and wants to move in with you, chances are, she's a fake. And I foresee this whole dumb, you sending her money and she never arriving thing going on. And then all other women gets painted as fakes.
Real women will not agree or want to move in with a stranger in a strange country within 2 or 3 days of conversing with someone.
So my lack of eagerness of relocation, it's because, it's a stranger pushing for an agreement on it. WTF? Especially in my specific case, relocating anywhere will be a big downgrade in lifestyle for me. As I absolutely love my life here, it's convenient, great weather and it's safe and it's very easy to make a living. And I know anywhere else in the world, life will be harder. The only thing that would motivate me to relocate is if I fall inlove with that person and where-ever that person is, is home. That's the only thing.
Some stranger asking me now, the answer is probably no, because I don't know this stranger.
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I saw a journal of a dominant complaining about the double standards, like submissive women can be little girls, but dominant men can't be little boys. Made me roll my eyes a little.
But it got me thinking too, I have always dislike the whole idea of age play and this little girl, daddy thingy.
I actually don't understand it at all. I mean personally for me, I don't think I have daddy issues, as both my mom and my dad were equally bad parents to me. But my dad is a stranger to me, I somehow blame my mother more. Because my dad wanted her to abort me and she refused to. She made a bad choice. I say bad, because, then she spent the rest of her life blaming me for existing. As IF it's my fault she got pregnant with me.
If she had aborted, there would be zero issues.
But because I don't see my dad as any role model or anybody I would ever admire or anything like that. I absolutely hate the idea of submitting to a "Daddy Figure". As what a Father represents to me, is somebody I have zero respect for. So why would I respect a Daddy?
So I honestly cannot understand the logic of women with daddy issues wanting daddy play. How could they even bear it? To deal with a reminder of someone they really have very low respect for. I feared my father. I was grew up feeling terrified of him, until I am an adult and then I stay away from him. And I definitely do not gravitate towards people I fear, I stay hell away from them, far far away.
I am never looking for a Father Figure. But I am looking for a man who wants to own and protect a woman. I see that more as a husband, a man of your own, but his not a Daddy. Someone who is the furthest thing away from my father. And who I can respect.
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I always feel like the people who ask for people with no emotional baggage are not human. They gotta be robots. For them to be able to not ever feel hurt. |
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I miss all the bickering in the politics messageboard here. Always alot of amusing things to read in there.
Good balance of lefties and righties with opposing views.
Wish they bring it back! But I guess nobody wants to do the hard work of moderation. It does get very heated sometimes. And loads of sockpuppets spamming nonsense.
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In continuation of my previous post.
I feel, there are alot of doms who maybe have been victims of scams here. And the energy they put up is that, they are the scared party and needs the sub to reassure them instead of the other way round.
I feel this is a catch 22 position.
Because, it feels almost like the female submissive takes the motherly or even masculine role of comforting and assuring this new strange dom that he will be safe with her.
And it's like...., there is no way any D/S dynamic is ever gonna come out of that. Because he is like not the leader anymore. She is.
She is taking care of his feelings, making sure he is okay. He becomes the feminine role.
That's just what I feel. There are alot of dominants here, who approach with that energy too. Who had bad experiences with "fakes" and needs security and assurance from the sub instead of the other way round.
The correct energy I feel and I have also met men like this, is men who say, yea, not all experiences were good. Some were bad. Some were fakes. Some even turn out to be trannies. No big deal. Every experience is a new experience. And they can handle anything thrown at them and brush them off. Like no fear, no worries.
I feel that is exuding more dominant and leadership energy.
I am just saying. An observation of mine.
Personally for me, submission is a feeling. And I need to feel like he is my alpha, my leader and the one who I can look up to for direction, respect, trust with my life and welfare. It is often an energy thing. What he exudes. If I don't feel all those elements. I just don't feel it. Then it's like, he is just another human being. Not somebody I wanna follow. |
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I think the craziest thing about alot of men who wants to be the dom is that, they don't even understand the basic concept of the need for a woman to feel comfortable and safe with them first, before even wanting to engage or even meet really.
I think this is also the biggest stumbling block in my search. Perhaps, my first dom did such a great job of making me feel safe. I always felt everyone after him fell short. |
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Bye Bye Collarchat. Sad to see it disappear.
Today, there is one thing I am pondering about my life's journey.
I think the hardest part of being a woman who has never refused sex to her sexual partners in her life, makes you taken for granted all the time in the long run.
Because, why make any efforts to get her in the mood for sex ever right? She is always in the mood, any time, any place, whenever he wants.
Why bother?
There is a very large number of marriages where women use sexual denial as a form of getting what they want in their marriage.
And I think, it's because, it works.
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I think it boils down to, I really want to be with someone who I feel is good and kind inside.
Patient and good tempered and gentle.
But whether I will ever meet someone like that who shares the same kinks as me. It's like up in the air.
The amount of luck you'd need to meet someone right for you is like massive.
The thing is. Take away all the BDSM, D/S from it.
I want a relationship where we didn't go into it to try to change or mold each other to our perfect mate.
I want a relationship where we go into it, because, his kinks and needs resonates with my kinks and needs and we just mesh and blend. Like a complicated jigsaw puzzle and that all the bits fit. We just fulfill each other. And we bring up the best in each other.
Like it should feel natural, like you belong to him. And he belongs to you. Not forced. Not awkward. And not filled with doubts and uncertainty because you had to make sooo much compromises.
For this to happen though. What do I have to bargain with for this to happen?
Because when I think about relationships and love. It's all fluke. If you are lucky, you will meet someone who makes you feel special things and he will feel the same at the same time.
If you are lucky. Everyone goes through a life time of mismatches. Some even marry their mismatch and are trapped in a marriage.
But if you are lucky. Super lucky. You meet someone who makes your soul sing and you feel so interconnected with in a spiritual way.
It's the kind of deep emotional connection that I am looking for. It kinda ties to D/S. I wanna feel like he is caressing my soul. And I am touching him in places nobody ever reached. And we have to need each other to breathe. I think co-dependency is beautiful.
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I did not write what's below, a dominant here called "TheBDSMProfessor" wrote it. And I copied and pasted it.
I just think he totally perfectly articulate what a perfect dominant is. And also in my search for one. Literally, all these characteristics seem very elusive. I never met anybody on here who even fulfill 20% to 30% of what's below. (Definition of "met" is men that has the capability to meet me in real life face to face)
Basically, I guess we are all dealing with very flawed humans who have no control of themselves at all, but wanting to be dominants and demanding to be treated as a Master from Hello.
- A Dom will take the time to learn about his sub. This includes but is not limited to likes and dislikes, desires and limits, phobias, health concerns, allergies, and experience level.
- A Dom will use safe words and will never punish a sub for using them.
- A Dom will have experience. If he doesn't, then he should go to meets or munches and learn in a controlled and safe environment from the help of experts.
- A Dom will have patience. Not only patience with his sub, but patience with his own desires and not to act too soon upon them once he is given control.
- A Dom will listen and learn from what he hears.
- A Dom should ask about your past experiences to either repeat what you have enjoyed or avoid what you didn't.
- A Dom should know the terminology related to this lifestyle and be able to explain them to you.
- A Dom should realize that submitting is not only the subs choice but is a gift that should be treated with respect.
- A Dom should respect hard limits and not try to push them.
- A Dom should never interact with a sub from a place of anger or hatred.
- A Dom should not start off the first message or conversation demanding to be called Master or the like.
- A Dom should not prematurely demand a subs obedience, but rather realize a sub will obey when they feel safe and can trust their Dom.
- A Dom should not have to convince you to scene with him. If it does not feel right it probably is not right!
- A Dom should be able to read their sub well enough to ensure they do not go too far.
- A Dom must be honest. Not only with his sub but with himself and his own desires.
- A Dom must be confident, he must be able to know what he wants and be able to inspire obedience in his sub.
- A Dom should know his own skill set and stick to it. He should only use equipment that he is completely versed in. Watching it on you tube does not qualify you.
- A Dom should be affectionate and practice whatever level of aftercare that is needed.
- A Dom should not have to resort to guilt or mind games to get his way.
- A Dom should be able to communicate with his sub or none of the above can happen.
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I thought we had more time.....
Losses comes everything all at once together..... |
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I don't know why co-dependency and neediness are seen as unhealthy things.
I feel like the sweetest long marriage couples I often see have this co-dependency and it's very endearing.
I understand that if one person passed away or left, it will be devastating. But either way, it will be.
It will always be a process to pick yourself up and learn to be alone whenever someone you feel love for goes away.
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Who cares if one more light goes out in the sky of a million stars. |
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Today, it's a whole new world.
It's officially over. |
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When God took him with time
God made me quite alone
It's like the universe has left me
Without a place to go
Without a hint of light
To watch the movement glow
When our song was slowly starting
Your memory felt so real
At first against my will
But God invented chills
Yeah I
I saw your ghost tonight
The moment felt so real
If your eyes stay right on mine
My wounds would start to heal
I felt your ghost tonight
And God it felt like hell
To know you're almost mine
But dreams are all I feel
Yeah I
I saw your ghost tonight
It fucking hurt like hell
I felt you here tonight
But dreams can't all be real
-Lyrics from Blink-182 Ghost on the Dance Floor- |
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Throughout my experience in this lifestyle. One of the reoccuring things that occur to me is, there are many dominants who are more aware about physical safety than emotional safety.
And I feel like, many seriously don't bother to even understand or learn the emotional and mental safety aspect of BDSM.
And usually when you harm a person emotionally or mentally is worst than harming them physically.
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You know what type of personality gets along best with me?
People who are so full of themselves and loves to talk about themselves.
I love those people. For me, they are the best company. Because I don't have to contribute much to the conversation and they keep chatting on and on away about themselves. I don't need them to ask about me or how's my day. It takes the stress away from me about having to ask them any questions.
It's not because I am not interested in them. But because, my personality is, I feel uncomfortable in asking questions. I prefer people to just volunteer information about themselves without me asking. Which puts the type of people who can talk on and on and on non stop. On my sweet spot type of people!
Always happy when I meet someone like that. And always great fun.
Which is why, when I get "How are you?" messages. I usually ignore those. I look for chatty dudes who starts off by properly introducing himself. And just saying alot more. |
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You know what type of personality gets along best with me?
People who are so full of themselves and loves to talk about themselves.
I love those people. For me, they are the best company. Because I don't have to contribute much to the conversation and they keep chatting on and on away about themselves. I don't need them to ask about me or how's my day.
Always happy when I meet someone like that. And always great fun. |
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Lately, I have this extremely strong need to be treated as a human first, object second.
I didn't always have this need.
Because I have always enjoyed sex without mental or emotional connection.
So in many ways, I didn't have to connect on a human level but more on a sexual compatibility level.
I think it's due to my unexpected deep connection with someone that went beyond sex, although it started with sex.
Just meeting someone who understood a very core part of me where nobody did.
It's funny when alot of people approach me on this site for casual BDSM.
I think people who read anything I write do not understand that sex is not BDSM.
Sex is just, plain boring vanilla sex, like the most boring vanilla you could think of. Even if it was just plain missionary. In the most uncreative way you could think of. That, I would engage in without connecting with someone as long as we agree we like the same things in that arena.
BDSM though, needs a more complex and deep connection. I need to be understood on a deeper level. The dominant needs to understand my needs. And I gotta feel like the way I am is precisely what will meet his needs as well. It's just different. |
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Relationships are complicated but I have figured out for me my case. What makes me get along with someone is how fair, sane and reasonable I feel a person's judgement is.
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I saw the word "sexual servitude" today. I find it very sexy!
I think it describes the key base of what turns me on about this lifestyle, feels like it's the heart of what I want to feel like I am doing for someone.
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I hate the word "Obedient".
And I hate it when Dominants Demand "Obedience".
The reason is, just like respect, it's earned. When you earn it, you don't even need to demand or ask for it. It's just naturally given to you.
In my opinion, "Obedience" is more about "Trust" than anything else.
If somebody doesn't trust you. They will never go along with whatever you say.
But when they do trust you, they are happy to go along with your decisions.
To demand Obedience is to me, the same thing as demanding Trust.
And there is something that smells like insecurity whenever a man is so focus on, "You need to obey me", "I demand full obedience". Like they gotta repeat it over and over again, because they have plenty of bad past experiences of subs disobeying them, because clearly, they never earned the trust and just always demanded it, and are never gonna get it. And over and over again, complain about "fake subs" and disobedience.
They don't know how to be a leader. How to inspire people to want to follow them.
Think of a person you truly admire and respect. You'd pretty much go along with anything with that person. And it's natural and not forced. That's how it should be like.
I am a leader in my RL. And when I want somebody's co-operation, I never outright ask for it. I think about how can I earn this person's trust in me, so they will naturally by their own free will want to follow me and go with my decisions. |
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I feel like besides my BFF. Right now, nobody gets me at all.
Sometimes, it's like, I feel like I am saying something, and despite thinking it's clearly communicated.
The other party just doesn't get it. Or just processing it to completely something else. Which is like WTF!
It's a little strange sometimes because I don't know how much more clearer I could make it sometimes.
I do try to idiot-proof anything I say.
But still not idiot-proof enough. |
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Kneeling to a man turns me on. I feel like it's the most natural position, just humbly at his feet offering myself vulnerably to him. It is my main profile picture for a reason. I love being in that position towards a man I respect as my master.
The problem is, finding a man worthy to kneel to.
I haven't met a man I feel submissive towards in a damn long time.
What makes him worthy? When I know he will keep me safe. Mentally, Emotionally and Physically Safe. That's what makes him worthy.
Interestingly, many doms on here, as we haven't dabbled physically yet, after further conversations. I realise they are mostly incapable of providing emotional safety. And without that, how can I trust him with my physical safety?
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RIP Charlie Gard.
Or at least, I hope you miraculously survive for many more years despite the GOSH multiple attempts to murder you! And grow up and tell them to fuck themselves for fighting so hard to end your life!
I have never come across anything so inhumane and so cruel in my life.
Nine whole months, a critically deteriorating baby was REFUSED alternative treatment, just because some dumb doctors decided that they are such experts about a condition that only has 16 cases in the world, despite having no experience with it, and so smug and so sure that, it is a completely waste of time to try any alternative treatment at all. What kind of human being is sooo smug and so damn sure of an illness that is so rare and so unknown, that, all alternative treatments are a waste of time and this baby is better off dead?
And on top of that, saying the parents are too emotionally compromised to make the best decision for their baby, WTF!
The best decision is on the side of LIFE! Not on the side of, "Let's not waste any more time on this overly defective baby and end it now!"
Nobody is asking GOSH to spend any more time on this baby. They just gotta release the baby and hands off to the parents to go US and seek treatment.
And all the assholes criticizing the parents! The parents are fucking amazing to refuse to give up on their child. Despite the potential of a life time of hardship, raising a child who could be severely disabled. They love their child enough to want to fight for him.
That is admirable! Who are these evil people who keeps condemning them for it?
I know for a fact that this will never happen in my country. Courts ain't gonna interfere with the parents who is just trying to save their child's life.
So I am glad I live in a world where this is not possible to happen.
But poor Charlie Gard and poor his parents. GOSH seriously murdered their child as far as I am concern, by refusing to allow him to seek treatment for 9 months until it's too late now. Way too late! Feel like the whole intention was not to give this child a chance to live at all. I just don't know what kind of doctors fight so hard to for the rights to kill a child.
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I think if there is one thing negative about the whole D/S thing is that most Dominants are looking to mold a woman and change her to suit him. And to be honest, that's just another form of conformity in many ways. You can easily do that, by simply conforming to society standards. Without needing a Dom to tell you to conform to his standards.
Whereas the way I am searching is, simply looking for the Ying to my Yang. We both should just fit each other like a jig saw puzzle and not try to change each other.
I'm looking for natural harmony and insyncness.
Not looking to change myself for anybody. And I do not want somebody who have to change himself to accommodate me.
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I think sometimes some guys read my profile about me wanting an "exclusive" relationship and then get very confuse because I do have casual sex. And they feel "cheated" because I am very comfortable with casual sex.
Let me explain this.
1) I am not into any poly relationship, I expect to be your only sub and you are my only dominant.
2) I do not wish to be shared or displayed to others if I was your sub
3) And my preference is that if both of us were exclusive to each other
4) But I am also open to open relationships as long as you don't participate when I am with others and I don't participate when you are with others. I for-see such a situation IF we were very compatible vanilla wise but not kink compatible.
5) As long as I am single, I will always have sex, as I have sexual needs. I owe no sexual loyalty to anybody as a single person.
6) When I am with someone, I will respect his decision whether it's open or close and will honour it in accordance to his preference. I personally love being with the same man over and over again. But as a single person, that is not a possibility, since I don't have a man. |
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What I look for most in a dominant is calm, self control.
I want to see a man who can't be riled and will always be in control of the situation and his own actions.
To me, the moment a dominant loses it, he lost the plot, he lost the control of the situation and himself.
And I know many dominants are human and unable to achieve this.
But at the same time, that's what makes to me, a real dominant, he has mastered himself, so he can now master others, and one who is just trying to be a dominant and still working on it.
Worst of all is those who don't even think dominance means being in control of themselves first.
If ya don't master yourself, you can't master others.
So if I feel I have better control of myself than you have of yourself. I can't possibly respect you as my dominant. |
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I have always been the type of person who will go against the grain. I am rebellious. And I want fairness in this world, where of course I know in reality, many things will never be fair.
One of the biggest reason that spur me to want to fuck around ALOT is my protest that a woman had many cocks in her pussy is worthless.
I may fail this battle. But for me, to stand up for my belief that women shouldn't have to bargain for the love of a man based on her purity factor, that I always intended to be extreme damaged goods since a kid.
I remembered my internal feelings protest so much when adults told you that, that if you didn't wait till marriage or at least with a man you loved, you will be damaged goods. I questioned why? What if I love having sex? You mean I can't pursue my passion for sex? I felt this way since a kid. I was always angry that I was told I couldn't enjoy sex for sex.
If I meet a man who could love me despite of that. I know I am meeting a man of the kind of morals and quality I want. Of course this makes me damage goods in the eyes of majority of other men.
But that is the consequence on women the world is imposing on them, punishing them for pursuing pleasure, punishing them for even daring to love sex for sex.
This world is messed up and I am defiant towards it!
And it's this strong belief that, I fucking love and enjoy sex! Why are people such assholes about women owning it and going out there to just seize it and enjoy it for her OWN pleasure.
Even within the BDSM community, it's appalling, the negativity towards women who does not require feelings to enjoy sex.
This seems to be still okay for men but not okay for women. Even in the BDSM community.
It's just a sick world. I long for a world where women can no longer made to feel ashamed about embracing her sexuality and just going out there to explore every single inch of it to the fullest with joy and love.
Where the urge to connect sexually, with other human beings is a normal human need.
And that sexual connection does not have to be tied to emotional connection. It's two different things. Two different normal things. |
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The problem with this site sometimes is, I swear sometimes, plenty of mentally ill people actually does contact you. |
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If things don't get better in 4 more years.
That's the end.
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Something made me think about to define my submission today.
It's often very difficult because frankly, submissiveness has different degrees and different arenas.
That's why there are always pre-negotiated parameters and limits.
To develop a safe parameter where two people can enjoy their lifestyle together.
I like the feeling of losing control of my body, like when a man touches me, and I melt, as simple as that, I am losing control of my body, and he is controlling my bodily reactions to his hands stroking me, playing me like his guitar. I love that feeling. And bondage adds to that lost of control, because I couldn't move away from his touch to not react from his touch. Toys of course plays a big part in, increasing intensity.
I also love the feeling of never saying No to sex. I love being in a relationship where my sole purpose is to always be 24/7 available to a man for sex. There is no inappropriate time. There is no inappropriate place. IF he wants it, I want to make sure he always gets it whenever he wants it. Thus is it extremely important I am with a dominant who wants sex more than 3 times a day would be great, infact, I can't even imagine a single scenario where there will be too much sex, I don't think I have a limit for sex. Basically the man MUST HAVE an insatiable sex drive. When he is stress, he would want more sex. When he is happy, he would want more sex. That has to be the way he is. If not, I will be unhappy.
And I never like punishment dynamic, because, I enjoy it when a man whips me for his pleasure. I enjoy it, because he enjoys it and he does it simply because he enjoys doing it. Not because he is doing it just to punish me. If it's punishment, basically, punishment dynamic is a total hard limit for me.
Over all, my submissiveness is purely sexual or anything sexually related.
I don't really take well to anybody attempting to control me on any other aspect out of sex.
Positive re-enforcement techniques are more effective with me than any form of punishment dynamic too. Because punishment dynamic, immediately makes me see the man as my attacker and my enemy and I will want to defend myself FROM him. Any trace of submissive co-operation from me will vanish. |
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The Most Addictive Thing about D/S that attracts me is simply Trust.
Being able to Trust somebody to give up control is addicting.
Strip down everything, it just boils down to that one element. |
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I find it amusing.
Someone wrote me and told me he found my profile sane and asked me to look at his profile if we have any common ground and I did, and I thank him for finding my profile sane, but I told him unfortunately, I found his profile insane. Just a feedback that, that's my perception of his profile when I read it. Not meant to be a criticism but matter of fact from my perception. Whether he wants to tweak it or not, is up to him.
I was just saying if that was my perception, other women reading it might share the same perception.
But his reaction of that, was completely out of proportion. Initially, first response was calm, and simply saying that he disagreed with me, and that is fine, we can agree to disagree. And I didn't bother responding anymore because there is nothing left to say and then the following day, wrote a whole angry tirade at me about how sane he is and anybody who reads his profile can see how sane he is except me lol!
Which pretty much proves to me that he is as insane as the writings on his profile.
When I read his profile, the first thing that did come to my mind is this guy is unstable and a looney. And I was right! He actually put alot of efforts in writing an extremely long profile. But it revealed so much about him to me.
It's the internet, insane people contacts me all the time!
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This is BDSM.
I may be opinionated and strong willed.
But end of the day, I'm still a woman, and I recognize that no matter what, I am the weaker gender in many ways.
So, what I look for the most is feeling safe with someone. Looking for someone who will keep me safe. Not be a danger to me. I think emotional safety, and physical safety is extremely important.
If I don't feel safe, I will disengage.
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You know what?
The truth is, Physical Attraction is extremely important to me.
I will not be happy long term with anybody I don't feel physically attracted to.
Can I have great sex with someone who I am not physically attracted to? Yes I can.
I can also have bad sex with someone who I am physically attracted to.
But for me to over-look the lack of physical attraction part. The man has to seriously be super beyond awesome in other areas. Like personality, sense of humour etc, god-like patience and of course, sex needs to be amazing. Which usually doesn't happen.
I am just saying. Alot of people wanna say, they are looking for what's inside.
But I can do away with a perfect saint, and take someone less perfect inside, but I feel physically attracted to and his body makes me lust for him all the time and he gives me the sex and bdsm that I need. Complements me in that arena.
So just to note, my ideal body is not six packs, or ripped or model-like. If you got a body like Bruce Lee, I am not gonna love it.
My ideal body is big and tall.
This is what I lust after, a body like this guy will make me wet for him every night, and yes, physically, he is like my dream physique for a man:
http://static.panoramio.com/photos/large/37708126.jpg
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Goodbye S.
I regret not loving you like you have loved me.
I was soo lucky to have you.
I just didn't know it, until you were gone.
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When will online dominants learn to address submissive as human beings and not start their greetings with "Hi Slave", and "I demand your obedience".
Is this like role play universe or something?
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This was my response to a question that asked, what dominants do for me?
What I enjoy is completely losing control my body to someone. I love feeling helpless. I love a dominant who can seriously play with my body like an instrument he is really good at and manipulate it to react at his will, in a way like wrestling control of my body away from me.
So actually although I have never experienced this before, but if a dominant could make me cum from verbal commands, I think that would be amazing. But clearly it takes training and haven't really had one who is committed to work it to that stage.
As for the psychological side of it. I just like being second in command to somebody who i admire and respect and adore. I hate leading. I want someone to lead in our family nucleus. And I want to be his most valuable assistant.
But if I rationalise everything. I was never safe by the ones who were suppose to protect me and lead me. Aka my parents. They were my abusers.
So for me, it's extremely intoxicating to be able feel safe with someone on the level, where I can be completely helpless and under his control, and knowing he would never harm me.
I boil everything down to a need to feel completely safe with someone.
I cannot experience this with a vanilla, because, I need the person to have dark needs and to be able to regulate and control his own dark needs to not harm me with it.
It's like, I love the feeling of feeling safe with a wild full grown tiger or lion. Knowing it is dangerous but it won't eat me up. And honestly, I will probably be one of those idiots who think wild animals are safe. And won't be surprise if that's how I die some day. If I disappeared from this place, and ya see in the news Chinese girl got eaten up by some wild animals. That's probably me.
Because that's one of my biggest fantasies. Not to be eaten by a wild tiger or lion, but to be able to interact and touch a wild tiger or lion and not get eaten up. But to make that dream come true. Comes with huge risks. |
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Dear Universe.
Please take my life in exchange for his.
I have no need for my life.
He needs it more than me.
Do the right thing. |
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It's been hell.
And this is sadistic. |
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I am officially labelling any dominants crying about submissives not being submissive enough "Beta Dominants".
Think about it.
If he was a proper Alpha, would he even have trouble getting women being submissive to him?
An Alpha radiates Alpha energy, and has this power over people, to make people want to follow him, listen to him and go with him.
So the fact that a dominant bothers spending any time at all complaining about women not being submissive, tells me, he just isn't a leader and can't lead.
And he would be better spending that time learning how to actually be an effective Dominant that leads with results. Last of all, he certainly doesn't look at a strong woman and complain she's not submissive enough. He looks at a strong woman and thinks. I can handle her. And not be a full grown wuss whining about "Boo Hoo Hoo, she isn't submissive!"
I just roll my eyes every time self-proclaim dominants do that. It's just weak. And I respect strength. I feel motherly towards weaknesses. |
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Seriously.
The Universe is seriously waging war with me.
Now they are threatening to exterminate my guy?
Seriously?
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Yup.
Fate, Destiny, Universe.
You are all just not on my camp.
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I seriously cannot see when it comes to relationships, how can you seize the destiny in your hands?
I was thinking about my perfect BDSM and Vanilla match. For 11 years, he only lived 10 minutes away from me. For 11 years!!! I've been to his area many times, never seen him before or bump into him. I actually hang out alot where he lives. My own grandfather even lived there at one point of time.
We don't have similar hobbies, nor do we walk in the same circles. There was just no way to meet or bump into each other. Nothing I could have done to meet him sooner.
But if we had met earlier, how amazing our lives would have been together.
We share the same baggages, similar past, we are so alike in many ways.
But just the way life works. Just when we met, he has to be uprooted.
If there was any way including my relocation that I could be with him, I would. But even if I relocated will not solve this problem.
There is just no way.
I believe in life, there is more than one right person for you. With him, we met at the wrong time. Right Person, Wrong Time.
The frustrating thing is, I do not know what to do to find a new right person for me.
And my personal relationship history. I am a very "love at first conversation" person. I've never had a situation where I known a person for a long time and gradually fall inlove.
That has never happened with me before.
It's always instant. I am never a love at first sight person, because I seriously cannot fall inlove with someone just because I love his physical appearance.
But I guess it's all about how he makes me feel. When I interact with someone for the first time, it is all about how he makes me feel.
And it will feel right instantly. It's like just an immediate connection, and you would feel the energy exchange instantly, that this is one of the ones.
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So here is bargaining with the universe again.
Seriously..., thank you for one day of heaven.
But it seriously sucks that my second day did not happen.
I would pay any price. Please make it happen. |
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My Heaven = Alot of physical affection and tenderness and loads of orgasm torture
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2012 was the year I split up with my x-dom. I feel very lucky to have met him and even have 2 years of wonderful 24/7 live in life with him. Just because, he allowed me to live my dream life for awhile in an environment that I felt absolutely safe in and simply having a Master to return home to everyday and wake up to everyday was just beyond euphoric. And what I enjoyed the most was being thoroughly used everyday.
Unfortunately, there were alot of things outside of BDSM that both of us aren't in the same direction of. So we couldn't make it work for us in the long term. Challenges of real life and reality tends to set in.
Unfortunately, the journey to find someone more suitable has just been absolutely disheartening. First of all, kink matches are extremely difficult. Second of all, my experienced with my x-dom was he made me feel safe with him, comfortable with him and earned my trust. He demonstrated that my well being and safety is his most important priority.
But with everybody else, they demand your blind trust immediately, like they are entitled to it just because they gave themselves the Title, "Dominant". And seem Flippant about my safety.
Of course I keep reminding myself that good things are not easy to find.
I don't regret not trying harder to work with my x-dom. It was beautiful while it lasted, but we really weren't heading towards same direction in life and eventually I saw myself unhappy in the long term. BDSM was not enough to keep us together. I mean, a relationship needs to encompass all elements in and out of BDSM.
Will see what 2017 will bring into my life. Hopefully someone made for me and I was meant to be his.
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I don't think I am gonna have my Christmas wish this year.
Anyway.
It's gonna be a lonely Christmas! |
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Gawd spare me from men who won't come near you or touch you when you are bleeding!
Just keep them out of my path and my life, please!
It's like being condemned for something that is out of my control!
And it sucks! |
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Let's see if the Universe would give me my Happy Christmas!
Please!!! |
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Heaven is closing indefinitely until miracle happens again. |
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Sexual Compatibility is the number 1 most important factor to me.
As I am not looking to suffer his sexual attentions.
I want to enjoy my dominant's sexual attention thoroughly.
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Fate is giving me a break.
But I want so much more!
I'll pay any price. |
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I was just thinking.
I enjoy rearranging my life for someone I love.
I unapologetically enjoy it.
It's just finding someone who wants that from a woman.
I am okay with putting his life first. |
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Fate is not smiling on me again. |
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I saw a question in the forum, from a domme, asking what rewards would a sub like to have.
And my answer is:
The funny thing is, just like I don't do punishment dynamic, I don't do reward dynamic either.
I can't imagine doing anything wanting a reward.
I guess I don't like being trained like a puppy.
I see it more of two adults having a deep and satisfying relationship together. The rewards is the opportunity to experience being in such a meaningful and deep relationship.
And that is the gist of what I am looking for ya know.
To have a very deep emotional and mental and sexual connection with somebody.
I think it all boils down to that.
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Things are turning dark again!
That's the way it goes.
No fucking Happy Endings at the moment! |
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I feel like my "magical genie" is being extremely cheeky!
It's like, "Be Careful For What you Wish For" type of thing.
They kinda grant it, but not in the way you expect it. There are so many variables, and they will choose the most unpleasant variable to grant you it!
I've been wishing deep for my miracle.
In some ways, it looks like it is in process of being granted.
But I'm constantly bargaining with the Universe to change the things that are truly beyond my control.
And bargaining with a mythical entity that can't give you feedback until actual incidents actually happen means you don't quite know if they agreed or not or just messing around with you.
I believe in intangible energy. There are truly things in life you can't do anything about. It's all external things happening. So you need to focus intangible energy on changing those things, since there is nothing you can personally or physically do. I believe depending on badly you want it. Things might change course. There are many big wants but this has be a genuine deep down need!
But there is progress. I just hope everything can stay on course! And maybe I can have what I want!
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Even if they are there just to get off. Bottoming in BDSM is putting yourself physically at the mercy of someone else. You have made yourself helpless and you're trusting that other person to not harm you. That person needs to be someone you can literally trust with your life.
Words from OsideGirl. But seriously...., it can't get more matter of fact than this. I mean THIS is what many dominants cannot seem to grasp!
It just never cease to amaze me how dominants on here, just expects you to just take this casually, because "If you are a real submissive, you'd just bow down and be submissive to any dominant who comes along and calls himself a dominant!"
I feel like 99.9% of the dominants on here who contacts me with any interest at all do not give a shit about assuring me that I will be SAFE with him! Basically, they don't make me feel safe. And like I don't feel like I can trust them with my life. Yet all they demand is that, you just bow down and submit and your fears are stupid and irrational. Basically they would ridicule it, which makes them just pure cowardly bullies and not real dominants to me.
Feeling safe is physical safety, but it is also emotional safety. You need to trust that this person will never hurt you, not just physically but also emotionally. And to me, many of these dominants come across as emotionally abusive within first few email correspondence already. How can that ever make any submissive feel safe with him?
My theory is submissive who respond to emotional abuse, are simply people who are not emotionally well in the first place and vulnerable, and these dominants exploit that! It is not dominating. It is bullying.
As I enjoy "physical abuse" as much as "verbal abuse" and "humiliation" in plays.
But for that to all be okay, that person needs to make you feel like, he would rather cut off his own arm than to actually cause harm to you physically or emotionally.
Fact of the matter is, I still have never met a self proclaim dominant who makes me feel safe with him, thus, it's been a damn long time since I ever dabbled sexually with anybody who calls himself a dominant since my x-dom.
But I have dabbled with naturally dominant men who doesn't identify as dominants or label themselves or are into BDSM because really, BDSM is just a sexual preference. I am always drawn to the alpha of my alpha self. It's like when someone is your alpha, there is an energy and you feel it and respond to it.
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My gift and my curse is that I really love sex for sex. And I go out and get all the sex I want. Because I don't understand why should I deprive myself of something I genuinely enjoy, especially when I am a single person with no man to go home to, to have regular sex with? You only got one life and life is too short to deprive yourself of things that brings you pure joy.
But there is still a huge double standards in this world towards women who just enjoy it, simply because, it's just a leisure activity to me. Something that brings me alot of joy and alot of fun and pleasure.
Sadly, it often causes problems in relationships, even in the kink world, amazingly.
Men have issues with it, it makes them feel insecure with me. They don't believe I am capable of exclusivity because I take sex so casually.
But personally, I have never been unfaithful to anybody I have been exclusively with in my life.
Perhaps one person might contradict that, but he broke up with me and then retracted it. It was too late. To me, the second he broke up with me, I am free. I can get laid whenever I want. So he can't retract it later. And then claim he wasn't serious about it.
I am a very black and white person. As long as I belong to you, I take that extremely seriously. And see myself as a person who belong to you, I would never let anybody else touch me without your permission.
But if I get thrown away, even for a few seconds, yea, hell, I am not gonna spend one extra second mourning over you, as you aren't worth it!
I am gonna have my fun and enjoy myself that very night or the next very day. That is me! One door closes, a new one open. A man who throws me away makes me feel I dodge a bullet, and I wanna celebrate! I have abandonment issues and to me, he is not loyal and dead to me for thinking he could just throw me away to punish me or whatever. And then claim he didn't mean it. That creates instability for me, and I rather be alone.
Exactly why I don't want a man who is temperamental and can't control himself. Because alot of things will go wrong in that situation, especially with me. Saying things you don't mean constantly when I take everything literally is gonna cause alot of mess.
End of the day, as I always tell myself. With anything in life, nothing comes easy. Especially the things you want the most. You gotta keep doing things to make it happen. And it will take time, work and effort. That's all it is.
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I need the most incredible miracle ever! |
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I am a woman who thinks sexual compatibility, sex drive compatibility due to my abnormally high sex drive, is the most important part of a life long relationship personally for me.
Let me explain why.
Sex and intimacy solves all my problems. I mean, seriously.....
When I am angry, have sex with me, I'd stop being angry.
When I am crying, have sex with me, I'd feel comforted and happy again.
When I am depressed or sad, have sex with me, it'd just make me happy again!
If I am going through a major life crisis, or work crisis, where everything is crashing down and I feel like it's the end of the world. Have sex with me. I don't need to talk. I need to be touched, held and made love to. I don't need any solutions from you. Have sex with me, it'd comfort me, and then allow me to clear my mind, figure it out and find my own solutions and solve my own problems.
What can I say?
Sex is the solution to all my problems!
And when I say sex, it comes with sexual compatibility. Sex that nourishes my soul. |
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Love never holds people back from growing. It doesn’t diminish, and it doesn’t contaminate. If someone loves you, it feels like love. It feels supportive and nurturing and life-giving. If it doesn’t do this, it’s not love. It’s self-serving crap designed to keep you tethered and bound to someone else’s idea of how you should be.
http://www.heysigmund.com/toxic-people-when-someone-you-love-toxic/
I just saw this quote online. Think it's a good reminder to everybody, how is love suppose to feel like.
For context, my biggest experience of toxic relationship is from my parents. The truth is, I feel I have always chosen good partners. We may not have worked out as we were going different directions in life and have different desires, goals and what we want out of it. Just no longer moving together in the same direction, best is to part and free each other to chase whatever they are looking for. But considering how abusive my parents were towards me, I doubt any man can ever top them, or come close to it. Also, I can smell a toxic man just like that, I see my parents in him and we would never come close to being in a relationship anyway.
But I think "self-serving crap designed to keep you tethered and bound to someone else's idea of how you should be" accurately describes my parents.
Toxic people also have their conditions of relationship and though they might not be explicit, they are likely to include an expectation that you will tolerate ridicule, judgement, criticism, oppression, lying, manipulation – whatever they do. No relationship is worth that and it is always okay to no to anything that diminishes you.
True That of them.
The world and those who genuinely love you want you to be as whole as you can be. Sometimes choosing health and wholeness means stepping bravely away from that which would see your spirit broken and malnourished.
When you were young and vulnerable and dependent for survival on the adults in your life, you had no say in the conditions on which you let people close to you. But your life isn’t like that now. You get to say. You get to choose the terms of your relationships and the people you get close to.
There is absolutely no obligation to choose people who are toxic just because they are family. If they are toxic, the simple truth is that they have not chosen you. The version of you that they have chosen is the one that is less than the person you would be without them
True all that!
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One night of heaven again. Thank you |
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Juvenile Lyrics like these still thrills the hell of me and puts a smile on my face! Sometimes, I am never growing up.
Life just sucks
I lost the one
I'm giving up
She's found someone
There's plenty more
Girls are such a drag
Ease away the problems and the pain
The girl chose the one guy who makes you want to kick and scream
All along, you wish that she would stay
Fuck the guy who took and ran away
Fuck this place
I lost the war
I hate you all
Mark's mom's a whore
I fucked my dog
Cause girls are such a drag
-Dysentery Gary by Blink 182- |
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I really dislike dominants who like to talk about real subs or fake subs.
To me, a natural dominant can make any woman his sub. Even a woman who identify as a dominant.
I like a man who believes his just pure alpha and know how to control and manage any woman he chooses to make his sub.
I feel like self appointed dominant men who whine about lots of fake women being not sub enough, are coming from a position of weakness and inability to lead and inspire submission from women. |
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The past 7 years have been ridden with losses after losses.
People or Animals I love the most, somehow dies or leaves.
Just another loss of something important to me and who is part of my heart today.
At least I believe you are in a happier place now. Hopefully pain-free.
RIP |
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Less than 2 weeks to another miserly night of heaven.
I am greedy. I want it forever.
But it could be my last.
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I am exactly the kind of person who goes, "I wish this...." and "I wish that...", and that after a short while of yearning, I go like, "Why the fuck am I wishing for it for? Just make it fucking happen into reality already!" And I am a woman of action. I chase my dreams actively.
Basically, I do my best to make all my dreams, hopes, everything I could ever want, come true as much as possible. If I really wanted something, I keep doing something that will get me closer to it until I get it!
But sometimes, there are things, where, it truly is impossible. And what comes with it is the feeling of helplessness. That you can't shape your future. You can't do anything to make it happen. There is no solution!
Wretched.
Brick Wall.
I need a solution to make the impossible become possible!
I do not want to accept it's impossible!!!!!
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I google translated these Italian Lyrics from the late Pavarotti. And find them really meaningful. And I love the words! Still no idea what song is this though!
Quante volte va
Anche se tu non lo vuoi
Ogni piccola
Sconfitta sembra sia
Un deserto
Di rinunce e grande ostilit
E vuoi dimenticare la realt
La luce dentro te
Si accende sai perch
Non sei mai solo nei
Momenti in cui
Ti sembra
Che nessuno al mondo
Creda in te
Non perderti perch
La luce tua si accender
E vedrai che il buio
In quel momento svanir
How many times must
Even if you do not want
every little
Defeat seems
a desert
Of renunciation and great hostility
And you want to forget the reality
The light inside you
Comes on you know why
You are never alone in
Times when
you seem
That no one in the world
Believe in yourself
Do not Miss perch
Your light will light
And you'll see that the darkness
Just then vanishes |
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I shall declare it now! UK will be fine after Brexit!
All the mass hysteria now is just knee jerk reactions.
Gosh people need to have more confidence in their own country standing on their own two feet!
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One whole month to gain entry to heaven again...., maybe...., what price do I have to pay this time?
Maybe I should quit Heaven.
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Heaven was so satisfying. Too bad I can't stay in it forever. |
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I think the universe accepted my bargain again. I accepted whatever price I had to pay for another night of heaven. I took it with good spirit probably because, I was expecting, you know, bad things comes in a domino effect, I was just having one of the most devastating news and I just thought yea, keep it coming, just keep it coming, life, and fate, do your worst. When bad things happen, you know good things are line up next.
I got completely sick, my whole face turned grey and swollen, my friends thought I looked like a corpse, I had feet co-ordination problems, and I puked my guts out several times which caused subconjunctival haemorrhage. If that was not good enough.
I got a swarm of wasps attack me. I am terrified of insects. Even ants. So it was terrifying but in the face of that, I surprised myself, by staying calm and using my fingers to actually squash them and pull them off me. I think I reacted like I always hope I will react when faced with wild animal/insect attacks.
I don't believe in any religion. But I believe there is a price for everything good you want in life. You must pay it some how, just that, you never know how it will be collected. And I did alot of bargaining with the universe.
And after all that ordeal, I got the second night of heaven granted that I begged the universe for.
Alot of circumstances are seriously, not within my control and needs supernatural intervention.
But I think I've never felt so happy that going through all these ordeal can just give me one more night of what I most desire. I would go through it a hundred times over or more, just for more of what I desire.
It's kinda funny I feel like in Chinese folklore and stuffs. Especially with their old Deities. There are stories where you can trade 10 years of your life for something.
If those were true, I would trade 10 years of my life or more of it, to have what I desire the most.
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Have you ever experienced making an effort to start ignoring your emotions and just kinda ignore it, when you are going through grief. And then having it some how, went into full blown physical illness.
I was going through the highest emotional stress I ever experienced in my life past 5 months maybe and never once did I fall ill.
Now I am putting everything aside, trying to move on, and yet, physically, I keep getting hit and hit by illnesses.
It's almost an interesting experience considering I'm such a fit and strong person.
My doctor asked me, why am I questioning why did I fall sick? People get sick sometimes.
But I've never been this sick in my life, I don't remember being this sick ever.
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I made a pact with the universe this month. They held up to their side of the bargain. Gave me one very short night of heaven. I treasured and savoured each and every moment of it like it's my last day of happiness.
And I see the price is I could have had 2 whole days of heaven, but it's been denied to me utterly and completely. But it's the deal I made and should have known, it would be the short end of the stick.
It's like thanks to circumstances that is completely up to fate and beyond my control, I've been trying to negotiate with fate and the universe for more of what I want!
I need more miracles right now! Like seriously.
Trying to now influence things that are beyond your control, takes fucking supernatural powers.
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Did an IQ Test just for fun! Surprised I scored decently.
IQ Test
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I am actually reading a romantic romance novel with this most cynical quote ever! But doesn't it seem true? Of course, there are enough relationships that do work out mutually for life that, this is not always the situation for everybody.
Love is an illusion, one that never lasts, people are intrinsically selfish, when they are inlove, they make false promises to each other, in order to get what they want. And after love fades, all that is left are lies and disillusionment and memories that keep you awake at night.
This makes me ponder about something. Men always like to promise you the world and tell you what you want to hear whenever they want you.
And until now, I cannot tell the difference if they are being honest or if they are just making false promises.
It seems like, you always got to take a leap of faith and take their word for it, and be prepared if it's not true in the end. Only time can tell.
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So with a heavy heart, it's been exactly one year, I need to let the new dragon go.
It's really been soar up so high and then crash and burn.
Can't be helped. Fate seriously controlled the circumstances this time. And there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I am tired of feeling helpless.
As experiences tells me. Every time I close one door, a new door will open.
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Not all dragons are made equal.
Now I know..... |
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Some idiot middle eastern dude wrote to me.
Give me 3 good reasons why you are worthy of being my personal toilet?
And I said to him.
When you prove yourself good enough to be MY personal toilet. Those should be reasons worthy enough for you!
And his lame comeback was to inform me I have been blocked lol!
Babies! It's like trying to dom a female and run away crying.
To be fair he was young though so I guess he was acting his age.
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About this time last year, I was going through a very challenging time, at that time, I remembered it was utter hell from May until July.
But it looks like, this year, the same is going to happen.
Both are seriously circumstances beyond my control.
On hindsight, last year, I really suffered for 2 to 3 months over nothing.
But this year...., I am seriously losing something. The impact of it really reverberated so deep.
And it's very unexpected. I am so unprepared.
I don't know how to deal with it.
I don't understand sometimes, how could someone whom I brought so much comfort to, turn around and inflict pain in return on me?
As I say this, funny thing is, I already know why.
I knew there was mean spiritedness in him from day 1.
But I chose to understand why. We all had past that may have damaged us until today.
And that's what happened with him.
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Sometimes, you see such an intelligent well written message that draws you in. And then the man destroys everything by sending you a picture of his cock.
Why? Why? Why?
It's akin to flashing.
I don't care about how your cock looks like. I want to get to know you as a human being and not an object!
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It's like the universe has left me
Without a place to go
Without a hint of light
To watch the movement glow
When our song was slowly starting
Your memory felt so real
At first against my will
But God invented chills
Yeah I
I saw your ghost tonight
The moment felt so real
If your eyes stay right on mine
My wounds would start to heal
The kids are in a hurry
And I'm just full of fear
The lights make bodies blurry
It's getting hard enough to hear
It's like the evidence is cared for
And evidently clear
If I never leave this dance floor
I'll never leave you here
Yeah I
I saw your ghost tonight
The moment felt so real
If your eyes stay right on mine
My wounds would start to heal
I felt your ghost tonight
And God it felt like hell
To know you're almost mine
But dreams are all I feel
Who knew it would be Blink 182 who wrote a song so close to my heart. |
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The Universe just does not smile on us.
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My open and giving sexuality should be a joy and a gift to the right guy and not be seen a negative fault of mine.
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I wish I could touch you, the way that you touched me
If I could have touched you, things would have ended up differently
All the sadness, all the regrets
All the what could have been, and all the what ifs?
You know that if you touched me, and I'll never be the same
Now I wish I could touch you, 'cause all we feel is the blame
All the emotions, all the should have been
All the remorse that forces all of this spin
All the confusion, all these questions that burn within
Life, can't live with it, can't live without it
-ST-
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Life is all about change, if we don't change, we fall behind, what was once true and real is suddenly no longer true and no longer real. And sometimes, we have to accept that. You must get used to it!
-From the Viking Series by the Character King Ecbert-
How apt, my favourite programme, saying something that is so true about my life right now. |
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The one thing I have not mastered in life is patience.
Delayed gratification is also something I have not gotten the hang of.
If I can master those two things, my life will be alot more enjoyable.
As that's the way life moves. Good things will happen again, so will bad things, but you got to go through the cycles. The ups and downs.
What happens when, you know the rational solutions, but can't control the emotional urge to do all the wrong things that you know is gonna fuck up the situation.
Just no self-control. |
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I have a sub male contact me about how he cannot find any domme to play with him for free.
So he suggested teaming up with me, as a sub-sub couple so that he can find a domme willing to have sex with him for free.
This is desperate. And the dumbest request I have ever heard. Really shows the level of his intelligence.
And I asked him what's in it for me? I can have sex with a dominant male any time I want without him involved. Why would I need to team up?
He totally didn't get it. And then went on a bitter rant about females wouldn't be able to get sex when they get older. And childishly blocked me. 50 yr old, behaving like a petty petulant bratty woman.
One thing for sure, in this world, if you are female, you will get sex whenever you want. Regardless your age. Especially with younger men.
I mean we are talking here about just sex right?
It's kinda really silly.
It's always a cycle, young men with older women fetish, some even have granny fetish, which is weird. And then older men are somewhat drawn to younger, but I suspect it's when they feel their age, being with a younger woman makes them feel young. A younger man feels more mature being with an older woman.
I personally like older men, but I guess when the stage comes where all older men wants younger than me, then I got no choice but to go for younger men, but I wouldn't be complaining about no older men wants me at all, because I respect people's personal preferences and choices. And I see absolutely nothing wrong with having preferences. People shouldn't settle, they should aim for what they want.
If you don't fall in the typical category of that choice, your pickings will be slimmer. It's as simple as that. I can tell the way this man thinks, he'll never get laid for free, because he approach women and treat them as just sexual objects for his own kinks. Most women will not respond to that positively, and that's why he only attracts those who wants to target him for money.
I personally shrink my own pool of potential candidates by trying to look for the almost non-existence holy grail of men. A man who genuinely does not enjoy tongue kissing from the bottom of his heart, or oral, giving or receiving. I understand this limits my choices ALOT, but you know what, I still have met some over the years, and now, I have ever met my perfect match, but timing was not right for us, I feel devastated about that, and you know, but we love each other and the future is still open and not yet written. But it will take time. And I understand if you want to find your perfect one, the biggest thing you need is patience. Lots of it.
It will come. You know, this world is so big. With 6 billion people scattered everywhere, there are probably more than a few soul mates perfect for you. The difficulty is finding the right place and the right time to meet them. That you can't plan for, as there is no way to know where they will be.
You can only keep looking blindly everywhere until you find him or her.
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As with any kink website, there are alot of mentally ill people on here.
Sometimes, they are just annoying.
Sometimes, it's like, whatever whatever.
There are alot of bad eggs in this world.
Just focus on the good eggs. |
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I think the worst thing in my life has happened. It doesn't get any worst than this.
I think everyone got their idea of what is the worst thing.
My best friend where nothing fazes him. No matter what goes wrong in his life, he handles it with breeze. His quite a role model to me actually. But when I asked him what's the worst thing that happened. His answer surprises me. Because knowing all the things that goes on in his life all these while, if I had to choose, it wouldn't be what he chose. I think his been through worst thing and handled it brilliantly, like my hero!
But I guess what always make it the worst, is the level of feelings you had for the person involved. And it was exactly the same for him.
Anyway, I feel so absolutely fucked.
I met The One.
But fate is just cruel. I would do anything to be with him.
And believe me, in this situation, it's absolutely impossible.
I always strongly believe love conquers all. And I am talking about myself. If I love a man, no obstacle on earth will stop me from being with him. I don't need him to make the sacrifices. I will make all the sacrifices. Because I believe love is not about who gives more. But if you love someone, you will naturally happily give more and his happiness is your happiness.
I know I am in love when I don't care about what he can give me, and I care more about what I could give him.
I hate you fate! For doing this to me! For showing me, how love cannot conquer all.
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There is seriously no happy endings for me!
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It's so difficult to look at the glass half full, when you have met your sexual soul mate, your sexual twin, someone who mesh with you in every single creek and corner of your every being. And his nomadic who can't just stay put in one place and be around all the time.
It's fucked up. I'm frustrated.
I hope, and I truly hope, his not the only one who can fit me so perfectly. |
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Sometimes, you get 50 yr old that can seriously behave like 13 yr old.
First sign was bulk messages sent.
And then claiming bulk message was sent because he does not bother to read profiles.
And then claiming that he would love me, protect me, blah blah blah make me happy if I was his.
And I was like...,"Uh...., you didn't even read my profile!! WTF? So his randomly saying that to just any women and every woman?"
And then later he goes on about how I am so negative and that he actually likes me, and yea, a few more insults get thrown, and then he blocks me lmao.
Seriously...., there is nothing I dislike more than a 50 yr old child, I gotta be a mother to.
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And all of your words fall flat
I made something of myself and now you wanna come back
But your love isn't free
It has to be earned
Back then I didn't have anything you needed
So I was worthless
Kelly Clarkson's Piece by Piece really speaks to all people who had parents who had the inability to feel the natural parental unconditional love for their child. |
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It's so typical of my life that fate taunts me by giving me my perfect sex as someone who can't ever be around physically for me to enjoy him! |
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Life always throw ridiculous challenges at you. Give you ridiculous decisions to make!
The most conflicting thing is weighing practicality of life with desires, impractical desires. And you have to choose, and try to be wise.
I always choose to follow my innate desire to my detriment, all the time.
I believe following your heart always leads to you to a ditch somehow.
Following your brain always works out better but then you'll always keep wondering.....What If.....
Damn if you do, damn if you don't! |
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The key of what I am looking for is Trust.
I want to be able to let go all control to someone, because it would be incredible for me to experience trust and feel so safe on that level with someone. |
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One of the most regular messages I get around here is the comment that I am not very submissive. My usual thought in response to that is that, that man must not be very dominant, since he feels he can't make me submissive towards him.
So..., I agree that I have a strong stubborn character and a mind of my own with alot of my own opinions. I have something to say about almost anything and everything, unless I am seriously stupid about the subject, then, I'd love to learn from you about it to increase my knowledge about the subject.
I am also a natural leader. As in, in social situations and work situations, if nobody steps up, I would step up just to get things done. I mean, I always believe that, you can always stay behind the scenes, be a follower and then bitch about your leader's incompetence. Or you can take over, lead and make things happen the exact way you want it to happen. Take control. So I think yea, I'm usually pretty Alpha-ish.
But I view dominance as a very animalistic thing. When animals want to be the leader and alpha of the pack, usually they fight for it. And the winner wins the respect of the losers and that's how, a young animal usually rises up to become Alpha. From Beta to Alpha. And the ones that used to be against him, either runs away or take up his leadership and follow him.
So I think it's silly for a man to complain that I'm not submissive. It's like a Beta crying to an Alpha about being a Beta. Be the Alpha and approach me as my Alpha!
How? Well, that's the Alpha's job to figure out. If I had to teach him that as well, his really not gonna be a good leader for me. I prefer to be the one looking up to him and learning from him. And not be the teacher, then I will be leading.
Hopefully his methods are not through abuse, instilling fear and force though, as those won't work on me.
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I am usually very uncomfortable with the whole Daddy Daughter dynamic that is so prevalent in bdsm, because I think it's age play. And I don't like that.
But I am a woman who lacks a father figure in my life, and I think what is missing the most, is the feeling of being someone's special girl.
Although I was the only girl, but, I am definitely the least favoured child by my dad because I was a girl. And in my culture, girls are...., unwanted. Infact, my dad wanted my mom to abort me because I was a girl.
So I was just an unfortunate liability in my dad's life because, my mom refused to abort me. He then refused to even turn up or be there for my mom, for my birth.
But he certainly ran through hoops and treated my mom like a Queen when the next few kids were boys. Personally being there for her all the way to make sure his precious son's were gonna be okay.
I don't want a man to behave like my father, like my disciplinarian, strict and all that stuffs. That's why I also do not enjoy punishment dynamic.
But I'd like a man who behaves like he has a soft spot for me. Who is gentle to me, kind towards me and would indulge me and have the unlimited patience specially towards me and for me.
Perhaps that is the kind of father I wish I had. And that is specifically the most important thing and key that I look for in a man that I can bond with.
That's just the out of bedroom stuffs though. I have met a man like that, a man who is kind and gentle towards me always, and would forgive me for anything and who never gets angry at me ever, for anything. But in the bedroom, we don't mesh. I absolutely adore the hell out of him, and feel gratitude even for him to allow me to experience what's it's like to be treated like this, but it makes me realise also, without sexual compatibility, even with just that part fulfilled, I feel discontent.
I'm still very much a sexual being, and sex is extremely important to me and somewhat essential to my life. So on top of being that kind and wonderful person to me, he needs to have the sex drive to match mine, and the sexual compatibility to match everything I love and need in the bedroom from him.
How the hell am I gonna find this guy?
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Have you ever experience what it is like to have ZERO compromises on both ends? I'm referring to BDSM and sex.
Imagine zero compromises, perfect compatibility from both ends.
Imagine he touches you like you love to be touch, and you naturally touch him like he loves to be touch?
Just completely in harmony and insync in the bedroom.
Precision match, right up till all our unique little quirks and kinks.
It really is Utopia. Everything he does is exactly what I needed, and everything I do is exactly what he needed.
I've been searching precisely for this kind of compatibility that people told me was impossible to find. But it's found.
But as typical with life, which often likes to throw curve balls at you, uncontrollable circumstances is gonna end this beautiful perfect dream of a perfect sexual relationship.
And life has no choice but to go on. And I can only hope such compatibility is not a once in a lifetime hit.
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I thought this was suppose to be a decent year for me.
Thank you fate, for doing the usual things. Put what's really good and addicting on my lap, get me attached to it, and then rip it away from me, stomp on my heart and crush it. |
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Dracula's Lament by Jason Segal
Sad Version - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RP_LhiOp_Po
It's getting kind of hard to believe
things are going to get better
I've been drowning too long to believe
that the tide's going to turn
And I've been living too hard to believe
that things are going to get easier now
I'm still trying to shake off the pain
from the lessons I've learned
And if I see Van Helsing, I swear
to the Lord I will slay him!
A-ha-ha-haa! Take it from me
I swear I will let it be so! A-ha-ha-haa!!
Blood will run down his face
when he is decapitated...aah!
his head on my mantle is how
I will let this world know:
How much I love you--
die...die...die!
(Pause)
I can't.
Happy Endings - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYBZ5N6c0a0
It's getting kinda hard to believe
things are going to get better
I've been drowning too long
to believe that the tide's going to turn
And I've been living too hard to believe
things are going to get easier now
I've been trying to shake off the pain
from the lessons I've learned
Haven't you hear now
I see things are going to be brighter
Oh and feeling you here now
I know I might make it thru
Loving you this long has made me believe in forever
And with you these dreams
I've gotten might some how come true
And knowing your grace this well
just makes me want to get better
Oh and knowing your heart this well
makes me wish mine would grow
Oh my love and loving you this much
makes me want to write sweet songs forever
With a little luck babe
we could make the whole world know
how much i love you
And when I see your face
I would swear to the lord
I was dreaming
And when i hold your hand
I watch time disappear into air
Oh my love and
when I say your name
i can feel I just said something sacred
The saints pray for heaven
I thank god I'm already there |
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Ugh! There is a serious disease among some men who expects sexual exclusivity from you but does not want sexual exclusivity to you.
And I'm referring to vanilla ones as well!
So perhaps because I've always been comfortable with open relationships, I face this problem. Like it's almost ridiculous how men can point blank ultimatum me, that I need to be exclusive but he won't be.
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This Josh Groban song seem to represent what 2015 was to me.
All I can say is, I tried to close every old door there is to close in 2015. Hope 2016 will bring alot of new exciting open doors.
There is still one door I am reluctant to close, maybe I will do so in 2016.
A beautiful and blinding morning
The world outside begins to breathe
See clouds arriving without warning
I need you here to shelter me
And I know that only time will tell us how
To carry on without each other
So keep me awake to memorize you
Give me more time to feel this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today
If I could make these moments endless
If I could stop the winds of change
If we just keep our eyes wide open
Then everything would stay the same
And I know that only time will tell me how
We'll carry on without each other
So keep me awake for every moment
Give us more time to be this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today
We'll let tomorrow wait, you're here, right now, with me
All my fears just fall away, when you are all I see
We can't stay like this forever
But I have you here today
And I will remember
Oh I will remember
Remember all the love we shared today |
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My new Favourite Trump Quote! His pretty good at dishing it without using heavy insults.
"We need toughness... Jeb is a very nice person." |
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Right from watching UK X-factor, I thought One Direction were terrible singers, and I didn't see their appeal.
All their hit songs keep coming on after another, none of them really reached me. I never liked any at all.
And I was wondering what was so special about these boys? I mean, no extraordinary vocals, terrible live singers, and are they really amazingly good looking? Not to me? They are cute boys, but so was US Wannabe Version, Playback from the US X Factor, and they had better vocals.
It started with "Best Song Ever". The first One Direction Song I ever remotely liked. Probably because of their funny music video that made me laugh, and I love comedic video, but the music was pretty catchy too.
And then came the song "No Control", OMG, I can't get the song out of my head! They finally got one song that got to me! This song is special because it was chosen by their fans to release, whereas it was not picked by them to be one of their popular hits. Love the Bridge and the Lyrics too! It's just such a joyful upbeat song that gives the mood of just having a night of awesome sex and waking up to that wondrous feeling that you want to play with each other over and over again!
Lost my senses
I'm defenseless
Her perfume’s holding me ransom
Sweet and sour
Heart devoured
Lying here I count the hours
Waking up
Beside you I’m a loaded gun
I can't contain this anymore
I'm all yours, I got no control, no control
Powerless
And I don't care it's obvious
I just can't get enough of you
The battle's down, my eyes are closed
No control
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So, it's interesting. You know they say be careful what you wish for? And those pesky "grant your wish genies" deliberately find a way to grant it in a way, where it does meet your definition, but not exactly what you mean because you weren't specific enough to cover like every single angle of it that could be misinterpreted and grant to you in a going south way?
I feel like that's what's been happening in my life!
Unreal! |
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I have to say. I love Trump's "high energy", "low energy" comments!
Ha! It's like, how to insult someone without sounding like a real insult.
Who gets offended at being called "low energy"?
Okay, it's like if someone calls me "low energy", I am just gonna laugh because I think it's the funniest insult ever! |
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Ugh!
Universe!
You sent me half past six again!
Come on! Stop doing this to me!!
Give me the whole thing!!! |
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I can't wrap my head about something.
The whole myth that sex is naturally just automatically magically the best sex ever, if you are in love.
But don't people have specific sexual preferences?
I have a feeling, these are people with more flexible sexual preferences, and it's more about the person they are doing it with that make them enjoy certain things and that can change and differ from person to person.
I have no flexibility in my sexual made up. I don't care how much I love a man. I can take a bullet for him, really think his the most amazing human being on earth, but if his sexual preferences differs from mine, no matter how much I love him, I won't enjoy his sexual attentions upon me. |
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Two identical dragons.
Life and it's amazing works and coincidence.
I met the other dragon while my crisis with my first dragon started.
My crisis with my first dragon is fully resolved, in a way, we are at impasse, but also at a better understanding point.
But second dragon is slowly becoming, the more regular dragon in my life.
I had a feeling I am somehow gonna be blessed with two dragons in my life when I met my second dragon for round 2. Who knew they were identical "twins".
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I think one of the most horrible thing in this world is how unacceptable it is to just enjoy sex for sex. And people want to link respecting your body means, only sharing it with the one you love. I mean, that's bullshit! Like seriously! You know, I was a virgin with my x-husband, and that was the worst and most painful sex I ever had in my life. Nothing romantic about it. Fortunately I learnt to masturbate before I ever had sex with him, and have experienced wonderful orgasms, so I wasn't traumatized by the experience, and I knew something was wrong, and it was his fault, and anyway, after all the great sex I've been having after my marriage disintegrated, I know I'm right. Of course, as I have explored my own body thoroughly on my own, I was able to eventually teach my x-husband to pleasure me correctly, so then sex became better. Just that when you're a virgin, you don't have experience in penetrative sex. So I couldn't teach him that. Even today, I am still learning alot about penetrative sex. There are so many ways to go about it! And I learn this by exploring different men, tapping on their experiences, to show me what their style is. And there is always so many new wonders with different guys. Some are like, OMG! Amazing! And some are like, bleh, doesn't mean the guy is not good, but it's complicated, and I analyze these things very mechanically, like obviously we all have different sizes and shapes of our privates, so depends on how they fit each other too.
Anyway, although I did the traditional thing to save my virginity for the man I want to marry, and did marry, but I totally regretted it, as I was just thinking there was an opportunity before I met my x-husband, a nice older more experience man, and I could have had benefited letting him "pop my cherry" instead. Maybe my first time would be a better experience. To be frank, I was scared shitless about penetration my first time. It was practically a pain endurance experience, that's all it was.
But I am just imagining, some women who don't want anymore sex in their marriage, or want it as little as possible, was just simply not getting good sex. Of course it doesn't help that you gotta feel guilty if you dare just go out there and chase great sex! For sex. So they gotta wait till they get married, or wait till they fall inlove and hope for best, the sex will be great!
And my theory about it is, since ancient times, once men discover that, women have far more greater sexual stamina and multiple cumming abilities than them, they gotta do something about it to slow them down. What's the best way, stigmatize sex before marriage. And today, there is still alot of stigma for women having sex without love.
I was watching Real Daytime on YouTube, and there is this segment about asking women how long should sex be including foreplay. One said 20 to 30 mins, the rest looked at her in shock, one even ask her, isn't it painful? Married woman with a kid, by the way, asking her isn't it painful?? That speaks volumes how sex is like for her isn't it?
And another one said 5 minutes including foreplay is just perfect for her. It should be just 5 minutes every time. So again, I am concluding the experience must be as unpleasant as my first time with my x-husband, that they actually want it as short as possible.
And they also spoke about survey done, that most women are happy as long as sex last beyond 2 minutes. But most wants it below half an hour.
I can't believe it!!!! 2 minutes?? That's not okay with me! I love long and leisure sex play.
Anyway, I believe when the world stop slut shaming women for having and enjoying sex for sex, many marriages will also have a greater sex life. Because having great sex also comes with experience, learning different things about different bodies and different people and then sharing it with the one you love, all that you have learnt to give pleasure to the one you love. That makes more sense to me.
And this whole thing about constantly telling a woman that she has low esteem if she has alot of sex with different men, gotta be like the biggest lie told to women in the universe. Simply because, the same does not apply to men. Nobody ever accuses a man of having low esteem when his having sex with many women.
Like seriously..., we are fed that we need love, we need feelings to have sex, like literally from a little girl. I followed that driven. And realise, that's not true for me at all! It's all one big lie! And I am honestly resenting the brainwash. This is not right!
I'm not saying, have sex with everybody. Even when you choose your friends, you have to be selective and choose friends that you enjoy the company of right? Same thing for sexual partners. Only have sex with people who rocks your sexual world. As simple as that! If it's not enjoyable, don't do it!
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I haven't been on a real date for a long time. Just hang out with someone and talking deeply and inner mostly about things, without things ending up in sex.
I mean, I'm like a man. Most of the time, I want sex on first date because I hate to fall inlove with someone and then to realise, I hate him in the bedroom later and I've been down that route. I married someone I hated sex with, because I loved him as a person. His like my best friend, but I hated sex with him. But I married him because I figured good sex is not important in marriages and I really love being with him outside of the bedroom. Anyway, I don't know what works anymore.
But by having sex first also kinda prevents any emotional connection from occurring most of the time. From my end and his end. I'm very fragmented. I truly can enjoy sex solely for sex, without feeling anything. I just need the guy to be an incredibly super nice guy who goes through lengths to make feel comfortable with him, and that is all the pre-requisite I need, and of course he has to be respectful of all my sexual limitations, which is ALOT. It sounds simple, but normally 99% of men are mean to me, and are not interested in my comfort at all, many are more interested in their own comfort, which to me is ungentlemanly, and I hate it when I have to make them feel comfortable, because it makes me feel like I am wearing the pants, and that is not nice at all. So that filters through ALOT. It always amazes me why men are nasty to women they wanna have sex with. Like who the hell wanna have sex with someone who treats you like dirt.
But I'm saying this because for a long time, this was the first time I went out on a date with a man who I wasn't checking for sexual compatibility first. Just an innocent date, did not end with a kiss or sex at all. I mean, we already known each other for 2 years and do alot of sports together, but this was the first time, we had a proper date. We just stay up till wee morning and talked, without any body or physical contact.
And we had really deep innermost talk, it feels almost strange. It's like I think there is sexual attraction, as he clearly keeps telling me how much he loves my body.
But I don't know how I feel about it. But it's kinda nice connecting without sex involve.
Anyway, I doubt this is going anywhere, as his vanilla, very very very vanilla.
Always the BIG problem is, I meet a super nice vanilla man, who really likes me and I really like, and then I fear how to explain my bdsm part to him without freaking him out.
Trust me, most vanilla men takes it very badly. Already had alot of bad experience with this. Probably because my vanilla image is so goody goody, and obviously, the horrors of the bdsm part shatters that image.
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I admire the strength of anybody who never bow down to pressure and always stay true to themselves, whether I agree or disagree with them, but if they are clear and can articulate coherently why they believe in what they believe in, it's good enough for me.
Conforming is usually easier.
Once you choose to go against the grain, life becomes a constant battle.
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Just because something is rare and unusual and unique doesn't mean it is not possible. The rarer thing that you are looking for, the harder it will be to locate it, that's just the way things are.
I spoke about things coming in segments in life. But those segments that appear are the rare, unusual and unique things that meshes with me so well.
Things that couldn't exist, is existing infront of my eyes. Just pieces and elements of it.
There has to be a way to control the way the Universe deliver things to you. I haven't figure it out yet.
But there is hope and probably alot more frustration along the way, but there is hope.
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The universe is teasing me again.
Why do things all come in segments and not one whole!
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Today marks the beginning of potential long term relationship with a second dragon.
What a blast to have two great dragons in my life.
Funny how the progression with both kinda occur in similar manner.
Also interesting to see what happens a year later.
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Since the end of my last and only D/S relationship I have ever been into, the process has been constantly broken down into two problems.
Too extreme for me.
Too mild for me.
Can't find the right fit in between.
I believe there are plenty of things in your life that you can take control and shape it to the way you like it.
But finding the right love has always been eluding me.
But I still feel like, my other half is out there somewhere.
Just that, I haven't found the right avenue to locate him and he has not met me yet.
And whether that will ever happen is up in the air. |
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To my Best Friend
Everyday people do everyday things but I
Can't be one of them
I know you hear me now, we are a different kind
We can do anything
We could be heroes, me and you
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Talking about the racist rally in Malaysia, this is an amazing quote from a Umno Supreme Council member Tan Sri Annuar Musa.
“I am racist but it’s racism based on Islam. Racism is allowed in Islam,” Annuar told reporters at the end of the rally at Padang Merbok, which he claimed attracted 250,000 people.
Annuar then quoted a hadith (a saying of the Prophet) on assobiyah (Arabic term for pride in one's tribe) which he interpreted as justifying racism.
You just gotta love this type of rally speeches. And how could any government of any country give the go ahead for a publicly held rally that is held in the heart of their city, just to preach so much hate.
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Today is a day where our neighbouring country has allowed and given the permit for a group of Malay supremacist, rather large group actually, protesting against giving equal rights to the Chinese in their country.
People supporting this group are part of the ruling government of the country.
They were saying stuffs like Chinese invaded their country and are trying to take over ruling it.
It's probably the only country in the world, where the majority race of a country can openly be racist publicly towards a minority race and it's perfectly fine and normal.
That's the same thing as US citizens doing a rally protesting against the threat of Hispanic Americans ruling their country or reaching government positions.
The worst thing is, these Chinese have lived for generations in their country, making it their home and they are Malaysians. They aren't like foreigners invading their lands.
And the other worst thing is, after they given them the permit to protest, they took actions to make it compulsory for ALL Chinese retail shops in the city to be closed for their safety today. They also set up barricades and have police protection in Chinatown and forbid Protesters to enter Chinese areas.
So they clearly know this is a protest that is about the persecution of Chinese people, and they allow it to happen.
I think Malaysia is the only country in the world where when the minorities plead for equal rights, they get accuse of trying to disrupt racial harmony by demanding to be treated equally.
My country have just gone through their own elections. And I see multi-races running in every party running for election, and infact, I think we try to encourage race integration and having multiple colours in government, as it's important that the government is the role model of racial harmony and working together towards the same goal for the good of majority
But the thing that makes me feel we are going in the right direction is, we are not threatened by them at all, it's not even a worry or an issue. Infact, the brightest spark that I think majority would be quite happy for him to be the next Prime Minister is most possibly a Minority race. The only concern is his inability to communicate in Mandarin, but I believe in most Singaporean eyes, we are fine with subtitles or translators, and most of us understand English anyway. As he is the most capable man for the job and we believe he will do a good job. That's it, regardless of colour. We just want the best person for the job. Malaysia...., still long way away before they will be ready for any minorities to be their Prime Minister.
And the USA has a black President voted twice for 2 terms. They have a South Indian as one of their governors and I think he was re-voted as Governor over and over for quite awhile too.
That's great! It's a fantastic thing when people vote base on people's capability rather than by race. It means progress.
While no matter how many good the good people try to do, there will always be bad people still out there, and perhaps the reason why "black lives matter" exists, is to bring attention to these problems.
But stupid campaigns like "Black Lives Matter" I feel undermines the purpose of being colour blind. They could have called their campaign "All Lives Matter" and it would have serve the same purpose. Because yes, black lives matter, brown lives matters, all lives matter regardless of colour. Why make it specifically black and just to highlight about black? It's called race protectionism. If you feel as a minority you are being persecuted, then all the more you should be fighting for anybody regardless of colour who is persecuted.
The other thing also is, IF black people were as persecuted as they claim they were, then, how are black people even allowed in positions of power or even as head of the country?
I just don't get it and I don't think it's true black people do not get equal opportunity today in the US. I think all poor people will have more difficult opportunities than wealthier people, regardless of race, but I don't think it is a race issue but the difficulties of a lower income segment issue.
When I look at the plight in Malaysia, I think the African Americans need to stop bringing attention to their race anymore and just be an American, see themselves as one and seek help when they need it, I am totally sure help will be given when asked in the right places, so many community outreach programs out there, and do their best to navigate through the challenges in their community, try to find more solutions within themselves to help each other eventually build a better future.
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I saw someone said in the forum that Charlie Sheen said that you don't pay a prostitute to have sex with you. You pay a prostitute to leave you after having sex with you.
I find this profound.
I mean, that is one perspective and that could be Charlie Sheen's rationalization.
The thing is, many rich, handsome and famous men have engaged professionals for sex and it often puzzles me why, with the legions or groupies or sex crazed hot female fans dying to have sex with them willingly, and yet, they chose to go for a prostitute instead.
I actually thought perhaps they prefer the experience and someone whom they know is trained on how to properly get a man off or something in the line of that.
But who knew, it was as simple as, paying her to leave when the experience is over. That might be a little difficult with groupies who may feel hurt.
Mind blown!
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And in reality.
The more people know me, the more they don't know me at all.
That's the one thing, I will never get!
Why it works like that! |
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It would really be super nice to meet a dom who just instinctively understands me and knows how to handle me.
Of course in reality, that almost never happens.
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It always feels like after struggling so much to get out of this hole, and then you just drop back to the same old place where you started.
Life is a serious never-ending ultra marathon.
I tried to use sports to improve my will power.
I have pushed limits and kept doing things that I thought I could never do in endurance sports anyway.
But the endurance needed in long distance sports is actually alot easier than the endurance needed to survive real life.
So it really has done nothing. But in many ways also, I've experienced the exact theory of how the brain limits what you can really do.
I've always been a short distance sprinter, and I was the best short distance runner in my school growing up, so even 2.4km is a nightmare to me. And I will drag my feet and maybe take a horrendous 20minutes or more just to finish while moaning all the way. So when I think about running 10km. I am thinking 20minutes x 4. Wow! Nearly 1.5 hours, that's a lifetime!
Anyway, there was just that one night, I don't know what came over me. It was one of those crazy nights where, I just felt like, I need to run. So I went to run. I didn't have a goal in mind except to run until I got sick of running. I was tracking my distances and realise that wow, I've exceeded 2.4km, and I am not tired yet. I decided to go for 10km. Anyway, I just kept running until my tracker hit 10km.
And I shock myself that the timing was 1 hour 5 minutes. Like no fucking way! I was so slow in 2.4km, how did this happen!
Although, too bad that revelation of my capability did not encourage me or make me feel more incline to enjoy running more. That was a one off crazy urge. But it did kinda make me realise that, if I can do 10km in 1hr 5mins, I can definitely run 42km, a full marathon with no issues. And so I did, and it was true, it was easy but extremely boring. And I was miserable throughout the entire run. Was so happy at finishing line that I never want to run a road marathon ever ever again. I say it's easy because I didn't train for it. I just signed up and run, and I made it. So considering no training necessary, it was much easier than I perceived in my head. I used to think running a full marathon was such a huge deal, and now I realise, it's just like that. It was all in my head that it's difficult, that's all it was.
And probably with alot of things in my life right now, it's just my stupid brain perceiving things in a way that limits me from doing what I wish I could do. Not that running a marathon was something I dreamt of doing. More like, it wasn't a desire, but I just did it to find out if I could do it, and if I failed, it wouldn't bother me, as it was never a desire.
I am just feeling so burnt out for constant trying at the moment. In my sports, I could quit and take a break when I get sick of putting myself through more crazy challenges. In life, you can't quit and take a break but keep chugging along. So I never feel well rested or rejuvenated.
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Can the US please vote this woman for President ?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ry3NzkAOo3s |
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I wish I could freeze time sometimes.
Just pause it at the best moments, and let it stay there forever..... |
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What is worst?
Getting something you want badly intermittently? Or just holding out to hopefully one day get it forever, but being unsure if it will ever happen?
Life always feeds me what I want in fragmented segments.
I mean, what would you choose?
Tasting aphrodisiac here and there, but knowing you can't have any of it for life and it's all temporary.
Or take a gamble, and throw yourself into a game where, you either get none of it for life or get it forever.
I just had something I desired soo much this past weekend, and I was super happy while I had it, but knowing it's temporary, and now it's gone, and it's like, it sucks.
Although, I am really appreciative that it happened. As my best friend always says to me, "Tsk! Tsk! First World Problems!" His right! |
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Today I read a news about our country's founder actually wanted to be euthanized, after his wife died. But was told that is not possible under our laws. Even not possible if we did it overseas. I am filled with so much respect for this man's love for his wife. I mean, I am not saying men should want to kill themselves after their wife pass away. But I'm just saying I can relate to that, as in, I'm exactly the kind of person who would not want to continue carrying on, if someone I love deeply left me through death. In some crazy way, the most amazing person from our country, is deeply a romantic, that's amazing, especially when his one of the most pragmatic person ever.
I am pro-abortion, pro-death penalty and pro-euthanasia.
Lol, I guess I am anti-life. But I am pro-choice. And I do not believe all life is sacred, some scums of society like rapists, pedophiles and people who kill for pleasure do not deserve their life.
But I think a fetus has no right to make decisions for his or her own life while invading a human's being stomach. Was catching up on the Fox News Republican debate today, and it's horrifying listening to some of the psycho pro-life candidates, talking about how we need to protect the foetus!! Even if a woman has been raped. Or she could die, like they were saying things like, it's impossible for the woman to die from child birth in this day and age, and there is no reason why they cannot save both. Like seriously, I feel strongly against this. I think the worst cruelty to the child is to subject that poor child to parents who do not love them. Subject them to a life without love. They want to protect it's right to live, but how about their welfare once they are out of that stomach? Like, yea, just protect it's right to live, then hands off! Foist them on parents who wants them dead and DO NOT want them. Ridiculous and absolutely cruel and inhumane! That child may suffer, grow up to be fucked up and then end up in lethal injection or something, and then, that's okay. Ridiculous. Of course the opposite may happen and the child may turn out to be great despite the circumstances, but how rare is that! And point is, invasive object in a human body, even though alive, should not have the right to live. I speak from my own experiences. I genuinely feel my mom made a mistake by not aborting me at birth. I am just saying, it's not that I am putting myself down, but my mom due to her religious beliefs was fearful in aborting a child she DID NOT WANT, me, because she was afraid to go to hell. But if she had, she would be a happier person today and not be tormenting me constantly and blaming me for my existence. And it was my mom herself who told me, she didn't want me and wanted to abort me, but she could not do it due to religious reasons. Like, hey, it's just facts.
I got to admit, while I am a fan of Trump, but when up against some of the other politicians, he has sidetracked answering anything directly. Still, it would be entertaining 4 years when he becomes President har har! It would just be so much more fun to read the news every time! I mean, you gotta love that he said, if China can build that great wall in ancient times, which is clearly way longer and more difficult than what's required to keep Illegal Mexicans out, then why can't US built their wall and why is everyone so incredulous that it is possible? Lol! He does make a good point! It's a really good point!
What can I say, ancient people are amazing. They make incredible things with so little technology. Now we have all these great technology and advancement and it's so damn difficult for US to get a freaking wall up.
I am becoming a new fan of Carly Florina. Never knew she is so sane and logical. And very diplomatic in the way she speaks. She'll make a better politician than Trump obviously. She is pretty incredible.
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On some days, everything is crystal clear in my brain.
But today, it's definitely cloudy!
It's scary sometimes when it gets cloudy. Because, its like your brain is failing you. |
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We are all humans with feelings and we all have baggages.
I am sure many of us would have gone through our rough times that shape us but also traumatised us in some ways where healing will take a long time or scars will always be there.
I find it idiotic for people to ask for people without baggages.
It's like, are they looking for aliens?
I'm a warm blooded human being who experience emotions and hurt, I will have baggages.
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I love adrenaline rush, but I hate unpredictability of life.
Seem like an oxymoron, but I can choose what adrenaline rush I want to go through.
I can't choose what part of my life is gonna go rollercoaster on me.
Right now, that rollercoaster has just gone up again. After weeks of down. |
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Through experiences, one is suppose to keep learning something from it and not make the same mistakes.
But ever felt like, you are completely clueless about what the lesson is?
You are not wiser at all, because you are completely puzzled at how can things be done better or handled better the next time when you are face with the same situation again?
How you just can't grasp what the real lesson is?
I hate it going through experiences like this, it feels like a waste of time and you're never wiser because of it.
Because it brings so much fear in facing the same thing over again, when you still don't know what improvements can be made the next time round.
I am such a blunt and straight talking person and I struggle trying to decipher folks who just expect you to read their minds or take a hint, and just be smart enough to interprete what you did wrong, and what they want anyway.
How about this? I just got simple child-like intellect and I don't understand anything! My IQ isn't very high. I just wish he would speak bluntly to me.
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Here we go again!
Another trying time.
All I can do is breathe.
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I find it very amusing that a 56 yr old moans to me that all of collarspace are fakes and liars, and then ask me why am I behaving aggressive towards him, and then blocks me before he can read my reply lol.
No wonder all collarspace are filled with fake and liars to him.
They say, you form your own experiences some times.
Afraid to hear the truth?
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Okay, I was very interested in a possible Trump Presidency in the US before, but this time, I really face palmed!
I guess no matter what, some kind of diplomacy is required in this role. And he just touched the worst issue ever to even bring up. Why?? Donald!!? Your ego is gonna kill you some day!
Taking a swipe at McCain's POW?
Lol, it will be interesting to see if he will survive this.
And I am honestly not familiar with what is McCain track record as a military personnel, but Americans clearly give alot of respect to any man who volunteered to risk their life for their country, even though Vietnam was a stupid and waste of time war, but still they volunteered their lives in blind faith they will be fighting to protect their own country, so no matter what, alot of respect needs to be given to that. Unless...., he has inside information that McCain is not that respected as a war hero har har.
But I get the guy. As I operate the same way. I mean, if someone attacks me, I will bite his or her head off. If people are nice to me, I am nice back. Trump basically attacked McCain because McCain attacked him first. But he just chose the worst issue to attack him on.
But all the other republican candidates are boring though. So it would be interesting to see if this tanks Trump for good or will he somewhat get lucky and survive all this bad PR.
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I got to say that, I've never been able to get pass first 10 minutes of Magic Mike movie. The movie was slow and boring. I looked at some of the dancing scenes in youtube to see what the hype is about and it made me cringed. Women dig that? Really?
I have nothing against strippers, but..., there is something very cringey and unattractive to me, about a man trying to dance erotically. I feel like I'm in a gay club or something and it feels uncomfortable and the last thing I am thinking about is wanting to fuck the dude or even sex, but, "Man, his not straight, these dudes are all not straight! Are they dancing to attract females or men?"
So the crazy thing is, I enjoy a female erotic strip show much better than a male strip show. And I'm 100% straight. I guess female form is just prettier to look at and suits the dance movement they are making. Feminine movement. The problem with male strippers is feminine movement do not work the same effect on men, it makes them effeminate.
It's just so unmasculine watching men dance like that.
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I miss my personal cheerleader.
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Almost anything is possible.
You just gotta want it hard enough to not give up!
Doors will keep opening and closing, just gotta walk through the right one.
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BDSM is definitely like an addictive drug. It puts you in such a spiritual state of mind, and so out of it, you transcend.
I have to keep reminding myself how fortunate I have been to have experience it in that capacity and be content, at least I've once connected with someone, where you feel like you are in a total trance, and everything is surreal.
It's like totally losing control of your body, and someone else has the remote control for it, controlling it, controlling you. To live in that constant state for 2 years of my life, was just amazing. Too bad real life practical situations got in the way.
It's been very difficult to meet someone who connects with me on the right level for this to happen again.
But like any super good and addictive things. You had it before. And you just want it over and over again.
But I don't know where to look for it. How to find it. I feel very disconnected. After all, the heart of something like this happening is the mental connection. It always starts with that.
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I want a gruffy manly man who is capable of talking about his feelings lmao.
Oxymoron right?
Still, I hope he exists!
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These are not my words, the ones in blue, but something I copy and paste out of another dominant's profile.
I don't really see alot of compatibility with me and this dominant, but this particular paragraph describes exactly how my x-D/S relationship used to be like, and it was fantastic. It's what I am looking for, that kind of connection again.
But just to clarify, I don't enjoy real punishment. I talk alot about being anti-punishment dynamic, perhaps..., when it comes to punishment, it really needs to be play punishment, fake punishment, that I know the punishment is not real. Because, I cannot process or comprehend how someone who identify as not an abusive person would want to actually really punish me? That's why I like the term "Funishment". I have enough punishment in my lifetime, so I don't really want to be with someone who is gonna spend the rest of his life loading me with real punishments.
I don't understand punishment as a real thing. I see it as hateful and spiteful and nasty.
And to further explain, it just means that I don't like to have a dom to say, "I am giving you these strokes because you disobeyed me." Blah blah blah. Now that's punishment because he has to justify why his gonna beat me.
This is different from, "Come over here slut and bend over, I feel like adding more lines to my slut's ass."
That is not punishment, that's just me being beaten purely for my Master's pleasure, now I absolutely love and enjoy that. I just hate punishment.
Some doms just gotta justify and start talking like, they don't really want to do this, but my bad behaviour forces them to do this, blah blah blah, you know, keep justifying why they gotta hit you, that to me, is horrible. If you own me, you don't need to explain why you are beating me, especially after I agree that you own my ass, and you can do to it whatever you want. But if you are angry and not doing it for pleasure, you really shouldn't be beating me at all. As that is not controlling yourself.
I know what you want, before you even know what it is. I enjoy using you as much as making love to you. When we spoon, my hand is around your throat, and you feel completely secure with that. I treat you like a queen, a slave, a whore, a lover, best friend and a [your pet name here] that longs to satisfy me.
You enjoy being a submissive, but you enjoy being a brat and a bitch from time to time, you push my buttons fully anticipating punishment and humiliation that I will bring. This is part of you, you crave it.
You enjoy being obedient, punished, and you enjoy being humiliated at my hands. |
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I wish I was a lesbian.
Women are so much easier to understand.
Men just are truly from freaking Pluto! Very frustrating, and they don't communicate! |
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When I was a kid, my friends and I were so well aware of the law, and what can and cannot a police do to us as kids, that we consciously tell ourselves that if we want to commit "these range of crimes" without being throw into jail, now is the time.
We knew what we were doing. And we made a conscious decision to stop after a certain age, where it can become an adult criminal offense.
But we did it because it was thrilling. Some of my friends are filthy rich with swimming pools in their living room, like olympic size swimming pools with huge allowances, so they aren't doing these out of necessity, we were bored kids with nothing better to do.
And as a kid, we would cry, and play the dumb and stupid card to get adult sympathy, hell just cry at the police and apologize and act remorseful, that we were just young and stupid. But we all knew exactly what we were up to, and planned and calculated everything detailedly.
So that's why, I don't feel this sympathy for this 16 yr old. But he decided to challenge the big guns, and they took serious actions lol, his over-estimated the power of a kid to get away with things.
I am not proud of what I did, as an adult, I think those were really stupid of me. But back then, my friends were doing it, so it seemed daring and cool. Ya know immature pea brains we were! |
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A 16 yr old kid in my country was arrested for insulting Jesus and publishing a picture online of our x-Prime Minister sodomizing Margaret thatcher.
So he got in trouble for distributing obsene images, and hurting the feelings of other religious groups, which are things that is against our law.
Anyway, initially, his sentence was quite kind and light. No jail, just some counseling, and he just need to promise to never blog again or something. And he got out.
Within 24 hours of being out, he chose to defy all the bail terms, and of course they grab him and throw him back in jail.
Now international activists are all like crying about child abuse or something lol.
Oh, and did I mentioned, his parents didn't even want to bail him out, and a good Samaritan did, took 25 k of his own money to bail this kid out and the kid accused him of molest. Later on, the kid admits that he made it up to fuck with the media.
Anyway, clearly this is a kid who is full of angst and want to start a war with our government. Just young, idealistic, full of angst, but I don't feel like his sentence or arrest is overly harsh. He challenged our Prime Minister to come and get him too on YouTube.
So for him or anybody to be crying about actions being taken, he really was challenging them and basically daring them to arrest him lol.
I can't believe his getting so much sympathy. At 16 yr old, I was old enough to know exactly what I was doing. Hell, it's the legal sex age in our country. I can consensually choose to have sex!!!
You mean I will be too stupid to censor what is appropriate and inappropriate at 16? Especially like challenging the authorities?
Oh please!!! Spare me the poor innocent 16 yr old crap! He got off light, very light as I knew he would. Just a tap on the wrists. 3 weeks in Prison? What's that? Nothing!
Now his Singapore's Nelson Mandela, and his gonna change the world. "Yay!" |
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To any doms who complain I am not a submissive.
I just like admiring and following a leader I admire and respect. It's so easy to listen to and follow someone if you feel like, his a better decision maker than you are. Then I can switch off.
But if you expect to find a subservient mindless obedient woman within the first few lines of conversations with me, you'll be sorely disappointed. I don't know if you are a reliable, trustworthy, sane person yet and I'm not insane to follow the instructions of anybody who I barely know. |
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I'm anti-all religion equally.
I read in fascination that US is having a Church of Satanism being built, and a huge statue of a Satyr-like demon looking creature to represent how Satan looks like. The sculpture looks pretty cool actually, very Gothic medieval. I feel like the structure of the building should be like a Dracula castle to finish the whole look! Pretty awesome tourist visiting place!
I like that, all religions have the right to exist despite of what they are suppose to represent .
My understanding of Satanism is, they just believe in some serious eye for an eye. You don't bother them, they don't bother you, you bother them, they believe in fucking you up lol. Kinda not so different from some old testament preachings right? After all, Lucifer was a fallen Angel, so I guess he must have gotten some kind of inspiration from there? Just exactly like Islam, who technically share the same old testament as Christianity.
Anyway, I grew up in an very abusive Christian school. I got stripped, humiliated, my head bang on the wall, my clothes cut by scissors, slapped, and got beaten alot by canes by the principal. The teachers can hit you whenever they like too. Some girls got it worst, like gotta run naked in their underwear, on the running track, full 400metres. No joke! And I keep being told me and my family are going to hell for not being Christians. And how I need to repent for my sins everyday. Like ooooh, yea, I was like 7 or 8? Come on! How evil could I be? Well, I grew up in a Buddhist family, I consider Buddhism an Atheist religion, so I consider myself Atheist. Buddha is human anyway, not a God.
Anyway, my mom came from that school and when I go home and cry to her, she just told me, I got it easy and the school was way harsher during her time! Well, that's my parents! They intentionally send me to a school that is abusive towards children and they are proud about it. They believe it would instill discipline or whatever to me, but anyway, it didn't happen. I got expelled from that school because I kept defying and taking the beatings. All this was under 12 yr old by the way. And my mom begged the school to take me back in. Psycho mom! I was happy to get out of there! Anyway, I was not some devil incarnate child. I didn't do homework, I defied the rules on not catching tadpoles from the school pond, innocent nonsense like that. I think I was a pretty good kid, who spend most of my time in sports, in the library and basically, being a nerdy reader. I just don't like following unreasonable rules.
So ya know, that's my exposure to Christianity. So I never liked it. When I was in that school, I considered myself Christian for awhile, because as a little kid, you really believed that you were going to hell if you didn't turn Christian ha. It was so funny looking back, I really was suckered into it.
Anyway, my point is, I have very good reasons to hate Christianity. But I don't because, I realise the idiots practicing mean extreme stuffs are just old testament psychos.
I like any christians who practices "Turn the other cheek", new testament stuffs ya know.
So the thing is, it surprises me how Christianity is being painted on the dangerous level as Islam these days some times, or painted as worst.
Because Christians actually "turn the other cheek" and don't do violent shit in return, so people are more vocal towards condemning them, because Christians won't come after them or threaten bodily harm.
When Muslims openly declare they don't "turn the other cheek" and people should shut up about criticizing their religion, or mocking them, then the people who continues to do so, becomes the evil people, instead of the Muslims who choose to practice "eye for an eye".
Crazy world right now right?
You know the recent gay marriage ruling rile up alot of fundamental Christians in the US. But what is amazing is also reading alot of new school Christians who are condemning their old school Christians for their lack of acceptance for people who are different. That to me, is what makes Christianity a more peaceful religion than Islam.
I think not enough Muslims condemn their brothers for making violent choices. And to me, silence is approval.
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Nothing feels common sense to me these days. I feel so out of the consensus.
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I feel like political correctness is the new fascism of our time right now.
It's a scary world where nobody wants to hear the truth anymore and persecute people for saying the truth.
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ISIS is planning to take over Gaza next and over throw HAMAS.
This is super interesting development.
I mean, Israel used to be just dealing with poorly made rockets thrown over their wall.
But ISIS is another ball game, they got money, and they got proper weapons.
All the pro-HAMAS supporters, are Muslims too, I wonder where will they put their allegiance.
It's quite complicated right. Because HAMAS has failed badly to put a dent in Israel.
IF ISIS succeed where HAMAS could not...., they will win alot more Muslim support too.
What a great strategy to become the heroes of the Muslim World and win more support.
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There is a debate between vanilla versus D/S constantly, if they are the same or different.
I mean, the dynamic, the trust level, the closeness.
If I was with a vanilla man who isn't into bdsm but knows I am into it. I guess that would be pretty close, but not being able to do bdsm with him would kinda make things less intimate I guess. It might be different for a woman who needs emotions to enjoy sex.
I don't need emotions to enjoy sex, but I need emotions to enjoy bdsm.
So there lies the difference for me.
It's very difficult for me to do bdsm casually, too much trust required. But if it's just vanilla sex, it's just sex, like a pure animalistic thing, pure lust, and it doesn't feel very personal to me, and it doesn't feel like I am giving alot of myself in it.
D/S for me feels more vulnerable. And if I put myself in such a state of vulnerability with a man, and trust him with myself in that state, that means alot to me, it's deeper than vanilla.
So I guess it's just the perception of regular sex.
I think for women who finds it very difficult to engage in any sexual activity without falling inlove with the guy, will find no difference between D/S and vanilla, they would feel they give equally much.
The thing about having sex only with men that you fall inlove with is that, you will feel used if the man leaves you. You know, I grew up with my girlfriends crying to me that their men left them after having sex with them, and prior to that, they of course made the guy jump through hoops before getting into the bedroom, etc to prove their love. And this could also be boyfriends who they thought were gonna marry them for sure, since they already "deflowered" them.
I just think..., it's stupid. Just the whole thing like they are sacrificing themselves by having sex, for the man they love. And they really struggle with self-worth afterwards, when the man loses interest after getting a few sexual sessions out of them. I'm also in conservative Asia, where sex before marriage is still a huge deal and women are made to feel guilty and less because of it.
I enjoy sex, and it's no sacrifice, I love it, I enjoy it and I like having it in my life.
And it's something that brings me alot of joy. I never regret having sex with anybody, because whenever I choose to have sex with someone, it was also my clear informed decision to do so for my own benefit, because I know I am gonna have a great time and his gonna have a great time, and it would be part of my beautiful memories.
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All these crucifying of Trump Illegal Immigrants comments are soo ridiculous. And the media reaction is crazy. Why are people crucified for speaking the truth? It's not racist to simply say what the statistics are saying. And his talking specifically about Illegals and not the good legal Mexican Immigrants. All his saying is, we want the good guys from Mexico, not the bad guys.
http://www.examiner.com/article/illegal-aliens-and-crime-statistics-not-on-obama-s-side
* 83% of warrants for murder in Phoenix are for illegal aliens.
* 86% of warrants for murder in Albuquerque are for illegal aliens.
* 75% of those on the most wanted list in Los Angeles , Phoenix and Albuquerque are illegal aliens.
* 24.9% of all inmates in California detention centers are Mexican nationals.
* 40.1% of all inmates in Arizona detention centers are Mexican nationals.
* 48.2% of all inmates in New Mexico detention centers are Mexican nationals.
* 29% (630,000) convicted illegal alien felons fill our state and Federal prisons at a cost of $1.6 billion annually.
* 53% plus of all investigated burglaries reported in California, New Mexico, Nevada, Arizona and Texas are perpetrated by illegal aliens.
* 50% plus of all gang members in Los Angeles are illegal aliens.
* 71% plus of all apprehended cars stolen in 2005 in Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, Nevada and California were stolen by Illegal aliens or "transport coyotes."
* 47% of cited/stopped drivers in California have no license, no insurance and no registration for the vehicle. Of that 47%, 92% are illegal aliens.
* 63% of cited/stopped drivers in Arizona have no license, no insurance and no registration for the vehicle. Of that 63%, 97% are illegal aliens.
* 66% of cited/stopped drivers in New Mexico have no license, no insurance and no registration for the vehicle. Of that 66% 98% are illegal aliens.
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Donald Trump said, "Mexicans are sending their rapists into America."
US Media translates it as, " Donald Trumps says ALL Mexicans are Rapists!"
Seriously...., at least his rising in the polls and ordinary Americans are not that retarded to not tell the difference.
It's like some English comprehension problem again! Saying that Mexico is sending their worst into America and keeping their best to themselves, does not translate to "All Mexicans are Criminals." And his talking about illegals. His certainly not talking about legitimate Mexicans who have gone through legal channels to get into the country.
Donald Trump for next USA President Please! A President who will not pander to the people and really speak his mind. He doesn't talk like a politician and that's what I love about him!
I need to requote our Singapore's successful leader, who is exactly like that, he will always say outrageous things that piss off alot of people, but saying things as it is, are usually not what people want to hear, which is the problem with democracy these days. You just elect the slick talkers.
"I always tried to be correct, not politically correct."
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I am really out of date with music as I don't watch MTV or listen to Radio. First time hearing this David Cook's song. It's ooollldddd. Always loved that man's vocals and musical style, somehow never follow up on what sort of music he made as I thought it was would some crap generic stuffs that I wouldn't appreciate, which anyway, I am right, didn't like anything else so far. Only this song. It's Music suited the emotion of the lyrics and the lyrics mean something to me right now.
I'm only listing the lyrics in a way that I would like it. Lots of omitted lyrics. For someone who will never see it here. Unless he finds me here ha! Maybe one day I will show him.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vZbOJelt5Oo
This is my parade, my happy ever after,
But only if your here...
When I'm lost and broken...
Take me as I am, right here where I stand...
Open up your arms and let me in.
Let me in your heart right where you stand...
Take me as I am...
We could take tonight, make it last forever
If you dare...
Ooooo, we could run away and take the world together,
But only if you care...
With these words unspoken...
Take me as I am, right here where I stand...
Open up your arms and let me in.
Let me in your heart right where you stand...
Take me as I am...
We could take tomorrow make it better,
You and me...
Right here in this moment,
Here forever, everyday...
Take me as I am, right here where I stand...
Open up your arms and let me in.
Let me in your heart right where you stand...
Take me as I am...
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This is the worst news I read today!
Obama wants to legalise paying ransom to terrorists?????
Way to go Dude!
Let's endanger American people's lives before I leave office! Let's make it legal to put a price tag on them!
Now the whole world knows kidnapping Americans is gonna bring big financial rewards, GUARANTEED!
Big business I tell ya!
Not just terrorists, I can already imagine all the Mexicans big Cartels are planning their targets already!
Perhaps this is his idea on creating more jobs in the security sector! Guess personal bodyguards employment will be up!
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My new life goal is to build as many mutual understanding relationships as possible in my life with all sorts of people.
And regardless what the boundaries of those relationship are, will always be fine and respected as long as there is mutual understanding. They will all be happy relationships.
My life is rich and fulfilling if it's filled with people who understands me and I understand them.
I think for me, I hate being around people who constantly misunderstand me.
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The Universe have chosen to be kind this time.
I hope this makes everything stronger and better.
Once again, I am humbled by his selflessness.
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I never stopped feeling incredulous at some people's reading comprehension problems on some things I have written in my journals. Each time I got some strange dude saying something that is so totally wrong interpretation.
Their conclusion on what I am saying is just seriously WTF? WTF? WTF!!!
Am I so difficult to understand?
It's like I am speaking Alien language, and not speaking earth language.
The disconnection is amazing.
It's so out there and like totally not what I was saying.
I need to stop feeling shocked. |
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Sometimes, I think it's a blessing to be unclear and confuse and unshaped.
From a kid, nothing has changed for me, I wanted something from day 1 and it's the exact same thing I crave for now, and I know I will never change. As I have never stopped wanting the same thing over and over again. The desire never died, even when I have it, it only intensifies and solidify how much I want it and how wonderful it is to have in my life constantly. The same thing over and over again. I am a woman who knows exactly what I want, but do not know how can I get exactly what I want. My sexuality, orientation, is crystal clear to me in my mind from as young as 10 years old. It's never changed what I want from men, what I want in bdsm, and what I want in sex.
Problem is when you are so precise, you increase the haystack. That needle gets deeper and deeper and lost in that haystack.
I feel like I was born to belong to someone very specific, but his not able to locate me, and I am not able to locate him.
I always imagined in my head, we are probably living in two different dimensions or universe and we'll never find each other in this life time. |
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You know, what I really want in a man is someone who can always communicate clearly, detailedly and authentically.
Reason with me, talk about things with sane logic, share with me his point of view, how and why his processing anything or reaching his decisions or conclusions.
I think the problem with most men, and maybe it's not a problem as it's their DNA, but they don't like to explain themselves.
And for me, sometimes I don't understand something and I need them to explain so that I can understand.
I hate it when people refuses to explain.
I think the number 1 cause of all failed relationships is simply the inability to communicate openly with each other.
This open channel of expressing yourself is so important. And getting things addressed, exchanging what's on each other's mind and their way of thinking, really trying to understand each other.
This just doesn't happen.
And it sucks.
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Sometimes your knight in shiny armour is just a retard in tin foil!
LMAO! Love this quote I saw on somebody's profile! |
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If there is something I envy about being a man, is them being able to have an instantaneous On/Off switch on their emotions.
It's like a tap for them, switch it on, switch it off. Just like that. Magic! |
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I am doing something this week that could potentially make me lose for good, someone who I feel is essential to my life.
It's one of those things, sometimes you gotta test fate.
You want to push the boundaries, and see where it would make or break.
And if it breaks.
At least you know the truth, and the truth isn't always pretty.
I hope the Universe chooses to stay kind to me. I can only hope. |
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After Care and Sub Drop.
Two things doms should learn about before becoming a dom.
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Idiot Proof Guide on how to talk to me!
(Disclaimer, this only works with me, and may not be what other women want! After all, I only know myself)
I dislike questions like, "How are you? How's your day? What are you doing? " I hate one liners and will usually ignore it.
I know it's normal polite questions, but I do dislike it somehow. Perhaps because most of the time, my day is not going good! And I don't want to talk about it!
But alternatively, what I would absolutely love to hear is things like this:
"Did you see in the news that this and that is happening?" And then we can discuss about it
Or
Ask me a political question.
Or
I agree or disagree with something you wrote in your journal or profile, and then you explain your point of view and why.
Or
Instead of just saying "How's your day?" Start with, "Hey, today all I've been doing is blah blah blah and then ask, was yours better and more exciting than mine?" Something like that.
Or
"What do you think of "blah blah blah"?
I am an opinionated woman, so I love my opinions being asked, I welcome disagreements and different point of view, I even love it more if I get enlightenment from you!
So all the wise men! Show off your brains!
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Someone tried to mention the concept of Give and Take to me. In regards to pushing for a picture.
Here is my position.
I do not believe in Give and Take.
If two people are in harmony with each other, there is no give and take. There is just both happily moving in the same direction and not expecting any more from each other than what they are willing to give.
If this does not make any sense to you, we are probably not gonna get along as we operate on different wave length on what makes a great relationship.
Have I experienced what I am speaking about with anybody in my life?
Yes I have, I know exactly what I want and what I am talking about, the harmony I speak of, the respect of when someone says no, you do not push it or pressure that person but just respect it and focus on other mutually agreeable stuffs.
It's about respecting and accepting the person for what they are and not constantly trying to change that person to suit your needs.
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A dominant sent me a kind message!
Occasionally, I get a nice positive message from someone nice.
So I want to share it!
Great quote!
"A win is still a win not a loss.well done you. If it takes effort to do then its not a small thing its a big thing" |
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Unhappiness is truly cause by external pressures from people telling you what you should be, what you should have, their definition of success and also they dictate what makes your life worth living.
Especially being Chinese, growing up in a perfectionist world. I mean, my upbringing is 99/100, I don't get pet on the head and praised by my dad. I get scream at and scolded for losing that 1% and my exam papers thrown across the room for failing to meet his 100% expectations. I mean, my classmates are the same, I don't actually get beaten for losing 1%, maybe just my ears twisted, but some of my classmates then may get beaten till you see bruises. Corporal punishment is highly normal and acceptable in my childhood. We were tough kids. There is no kind and humane upbringing.
Chinese parents always believe in building your resilient from as young as possible, and actually I do realise as little kids, we weren't that vulnerable, weak and helpless. We could take quite alot of shit and it felt like nothing then.
This is how it is like.
You gotta be so perfect all the time!
It's like totally a crazy universe.
And the problem is that, I just want to be happy with mediocrity. And I want that be okay.
Okay and even if it's below mediocre, so what?
I just want people to stop being a damper on my happiness.
Whatever useless achievement I have made, I am super happy about it.
I don't need people using what makes them happy to tell me, I'm not suppose to be happy with such mediocre achievements!
It's like so crazy, because, sometimes you are happy, until you realise, people around think you shouldn't be happy with so little and they keep pushing dissatisfaction into you.
What an annoying life! |
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My new love!
Classic Perfect raw emo vocals! This was the emo I grew up with. This song is old, but I just discovered it, as I just haven't been able to find stuffs I liked.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZAl7QxqpwY |
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Why are most of the dominants in collarspace so hot or quick tempered? That is such a bad dominant trait to have, it's an emotional character.
A master who have not mastered himself or who is unable control his negative emotions and stay calm is a danger to me. |
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Fuck these assholes! Be a gentleman dom and not an asshole!
It's very unfair for me to rant like these, but truth is, out of the bad, I had 3 super nice gentlemanly doms that contacted me today who were beyond reproach in behaviour and we had a nice respectful chat with each other, they don't get mentioned, because the good guys are pleasant to talk to and there is nothing to say about them I am neither upset or excited.
So it seems like all I am getting are assholes, but I am not. Just that sometimes, some of these assholes are just seriously ridiculously annoying.
I need to learn to use my delete and block button more and not get aggravated.
But you know, sometimes if the day is going bad enough, and then you read these people who have nothing better to do in their lives but to send condescending negative messages to you, it's like, ugh, what is their problem?
Why don't they go hunt down all the sub profiles that they absolutely love and send her compliments instead of surfing profiles of subs they despise to focus on sending them negative stuffs. What does that say about that dom? So idiotic!
I have never sent anybody a negative message in this site when I am the one who first approach them. When I surf, I surf for doms I like, and I send them message of admiration and compliments to make their day. Why the hell would I bother with doms who's profile I do not like?
I don't get these people bothering messaging folks with profiles they don't like! There is something already very negative and mentally unsound about that behaviour.
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Please stop messaging me to tell me that I got an attitude problem or whatever!
Because seriously!
That just makes me give you an even bigger attitude problem. So unless you are masochistic and just want to suffer more attitude from me, save your breath and your lectures.
Basically if you have nothing positive to say, do not message me!
You are just gonna get barb from me.
I am only nice to genuinely nice people.
And also, don't think I can't detect passive aggressive. People who seem to lace their words with sweetness but it's filled with insults.
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Chatting me up and demanding submission from me immediately does not prove to me that you are a dominant.
It just shows your incompetence in dominance. If this is your technique of dominating people.
Eventually, you will acknowledge that I am a dominant, because of your failure to secure my co-operation, because you know you met your fellow alpha, which what does that say about you as a dominant?
That's why you couldn't dominate me.
Think about that!
I like men who can control me and manage me with ease. I find it hot. But I will challenge you and not make it easy for you, because why should I take it easy on you? You need a handicap from a woman?
I would not respect you as my dominant if I had to take it easy on you and spare your feelings. That's just common sense. |
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I'm sorry!
I get super irritated with people who's first language is English and have reading comprehension problems. And I feel irrationally annoyed with them.
Like sometimes the kind of things they decipher from my profile is just incredulous.
Just out of the world, like are we from two Alien Universes?
Sometimes! It's just crazy!
Fortunately, there are some sane people in CollarSpace that gets me that gives me hope some still exist on the same Universe as me. |
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Rediscovering one of my favourite bands of all time, amazing vocals, amazing lyrics, these are softer songs of theirs, but they are classic 90's hardcore when they do hardcore songs. This was how emo was suppose to be like. No make up and bullshit, just pure raw emotional vocals and heart in lyrics.
BOY SETS FIRE
The Misery Index
My life
Charred remains of a flame that's burned out
My lips move but they won't make a sound
I stand motionless, eyes to the ground
Back for more
With reopened scars I remain
Battered savagely, knees start to shake
I just stand there, I take it, I wait
I'm just waiting for time to erase
And the world to change
Until then I will strive for nothing more
I'll just wait for my heart to break
And arise from ash, reborn
Look at me
Cut my eye and allow me to see
What my life has become on my knees
I hear the screams, I watch myself bleed
But? Can't feel a thing
What am I
But a victim unwilling to rise
Wretched shell of a man and his pride
Why stop living, I'm just waiting to die
My life it's so familiar
Why lie when everything's the same
But who am I, and what am I waiting for anyway
And I will die waiting to be reborn...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYmNgy47-78
My Life In The Knife Trade
How many times have I noticed that our eyes hardly ever meet?
From your judgment seat I can feel the anger for my very being.
Fill me in on when you became such a big part of my life.
That I should bother with all your lies designed to bring me down.
Wrong again don't depend on any reaction again!
I remember the icy walls that shot up from nowhere,
And I can see every lie you've ever told yourself.
You bleed me dry and I don't ask why but I'm left with the dust.
Judas kiss I dismiss thank you all for this I am untouched
Wait again I'm not through with the screaming
I contend that you've got nothing better to do
Than trade my life for a barrel of gold
Find someone else before I get too old
If I live my life for aesthetic gain will you repay me with all your shame
I can see every light inside your brain go on every time that I walk by
For nods and whispers
Your comfort in my suffering is no longer disturbing
I'm lost beyond your petty stopwatch in life's real time
Wait again I'm not through with the screaming
I contend that you've got nothing better to do
Than trade my life for a barrel of gold
Find someone else before I get too old
If I live my life for aesthetic gain will you repay me with all your shame
Don't get up, I was only leaving the room.
When the door of your judgment swings back around again,
Maybe I'll stop to watch your act and I'll go on my way.
I've seen quite enough of too many childish games.
I'm ashamed of every moment and that I ever gave them the time of day.
All the worst enemies are somehow always friends that used to be
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1FUHo0cVUEY
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Sometimes you can get nuggets of wisdom even from trashy programs! Love this quote!
The ability to grow is directly related to the amount of insecurity you can take in your life, basically stepping out and doing things that you are not secure with. But when you get on to the other side, you will be a better person.
-Bruce Jenner- |
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I am cutting and pasting this from an article written by a male about men and sex. And I say, LIES!!!!!
4. Men are Always Ready for Sex.
Is it OK to wake your man up to have sex? Always. Is it OK to initiate sex while he’s trying to eat lunch? You bet. How about when he’s lying in a hospital bed dieing from cancer. Yes, then too. Especially then because it’s nasty. Nasty is good. Forbidden is good. Unexpected is good. Sex is good anytime and always appreciated.
For women this sounds weird. They need to be “in the mood”. The conditions have to be just right. There’s a time and a place for everything. Getting to orgasm is like walking a tightrope.
Men are NOT like women. If they were, the human race would have died out a long time ago. On the most primitive and animalistic level it is our job to make sure the human race continues, at all cost. We are hard-wired to pursue and initiate. We get erections ridiculously easy and we come quickly. We don’t get distracted. In the modern world that means yes, we’re ready to go anytime, anywhere. So take advantage of it.
In my entire life, I have NEVER met such a man! Wake him up in the middle of the night for sex? Lol! His just gonna mumble mumble and roll back to sleep!
Ask for sex when he has cancer?? Really????
Men who have been consistently sex-deprived and starving, maybe....
But nope, show me a man who is sated everyday with alot of sex and still feels this way.
That man will be my prince charming! Bring him to me!! |
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The sad thing about Collarspace is, every time I see a beautiful profile that speaks to my heart, the guy has to be at the other end of the earth.
Long distance relationships for bdsm is just very difficult to develop, as I'm not into being online dominated, and I like real things.
The funny thing is, when I was a teenager, I used to be happy with long distance relationships and then meeting up in real and getting together sexually is usually awesome, after all that deep emotional and mental connection through online interaction with each other.
But it's different now, I feel like I don't have the time for that. I prefer to meet people who I can meet physically now, because if there is a connection, it would instantaneous and I would know, things would move faster, once it's the right one.
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Something occur to me today.
You know in an online situation, there is a very specific pattern of who I end up meeting with and who I never end up meeting with.
At first, I have always attributed it to sixth sense.
But today, I realise, there is a very simple decision making I do to decide meet or not.
So first of all, I am very careful and all my risks are extremely calculated, the key thing is, I need to feel perfectly safe.
But there are some men too who are scared and they need to feel safe too. Those men make me feel unsafe, because they are as frightened as me. So two scared rabbits, usually isn't gonna work out. And also, I don't associate this fearful character as dominant energy. I can easily step up and be the dominant and take over and assure them but I derive no joy in doing that and it irritates me if I had to.
One of the first signs that makes me worry about the guy is, he insists on a picture to prove that you are real. Of course, basically, he just want to see whether you are hot enough to fuck or he doesn't want to waste his time. It is fair enough but do I really want to meet a man who is obsess with physical appearance only? Doesn't matter if his ugly, even though he would self-proclaim to be handsome, but nope, you gotta be a super model.
Secondly, you state very clearly what are all your conditions of meeting him are. But he has to change everything and insist that he wants to meet you on his terms. Like, you want a public first meet, and he'll always insist at his home or his hotel directly. You want dinner, but he insist he wants it to be just drinks. Is he trying to get me drunk?
I actually see the mirror version of me. I always want to meet a man on all my terms, because it would be in a predictable situation where I will feel safe, and easy exit incase I fear for my own life with this guy or something.
And he wants me to meet him in 100% his terms, also because he wants to be in a situation where he has more control, so he can feel safe.
So chances are, if his more concern about his own safety than making me feel comfortable enough to meet him, I am never going to meet him.
Yes, every single men who I have bothered to meet makes it very simple, I tell him, exactly what I want, he makes it happen and goes with it, without arguing or trying to change anything.
That's not him being wimpy or submissive, but is showing very strong character, it's like his saying, I am not afraid of meeting you in your comfort zone, where you have the advantages, where you feel secure. Bring it on and I can handle anything you throw at me. That's the vibe his sending me.
How can I possibly resist such strong and secure energy?
I love it and it's 100% always a great meet whenever I meet someone like that.
Anyway, trying to control everything and be obviously "domineering" about the details of first meet, BEFORE she has even agreed to be your sub yet, is kinda stupid. And it does not prove she's not submissive enough, BECAUSE she does not have to submit to you. |
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This is a Profile of a Muslim Dom I saw on here. Shall not name the dude, but here is a glimpse. What caught my eye is how he says, he can't enslave fellow Muslim as it's haraam, so his slave MUST be non-muslim lol! And he clearly says, a non-muslim will have no right, whereas, a muslim apparently has more rights. The most fabulous part about this is that, it's not even role play, I mean, these are real life religious beliefs that are practiced. Lol, anybody who wants the real real thing, here it is!
Assalam aleikum,
As the profile text says, I am a salafi muslim brother.
And looking for a woman willing to live in pardaa.
Or purdah as some western persons tells it.
I am searching for either a purdah wife, or a purdah slave.
A purdah wife must either be muslim, or accept to revert.
And she has the right to divorce.
She must accept to better her knowledge in Islam.
She will have no contacts with outside world.
Music, TV, magazine-->HARAM!
Only allowed readings : islamic approved lectures and Q'Ran.
Must also accept harsh punishment.
Wearing niqab/hijab is mandatory.
Oh, an NO MAN/NO TRAV/NO TRANS!!I insist, as a salafi I am not interested in any kind of D/S relationship with a man. UNLESS this person can provide me with a slave, then you might have my interest.
Last word, I don't have any picture, not because I am afraid to show my face(can do it, we can even phone..), but because photographic material is also HARAM.
A purdah slave does can only be a non muslim (it is forbidden for a muslim to enslave another muslim), so no need to revert and to learn islam. And she has no right. |
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I'm a woman who do not need feelings to have sex.
I indulge in it without emotions. It's like a sport to me. And like sports, I enjoy it alot! And do want it excessively.
I read something today that speaks alot of truth about me.
Since a young teenager, I have always been very comfortable with my sexuality and do not need feelings for man to have fun with him. I just need to know, his a gentleman, his mature about women enjoying sex for sex and he respects me and his a good guy who is kind, who won't cause me any harm. I can pretty much relax and have loads of sexual fun with him. And I am very selective, so I seldom have bad casual sex experience as I do interrogate the guy alot to get a feel of his character and personality. Usually the nasty ones will have their nastiness surface during my interrogation period, so it never gets to the bedroom. I am very good at bringing out the worst in people, because I want to see their worst, to see if I will be safe with him.
I want to have sex with someone who I feel safe with. It's not about how he looks like or what skills he has. If his willing to learn and please, I can teach, so I am not worried about that. And good looking doesn't mean great in bed. Could mean the opposite, totally clueless in bed, just because their good looks always got them women easy, so they never learn to give pleasure. In my experience, I never had good looks and good sex together, never ever. Good looks usually translate to bad sex in my experience.
So I have always been able to have sex without expecting commitment.
I read something today that explains that part of me very well. I have always wondered why was it so easy for me and so difficult for some other women to just enjoy it without emotional entanglement.
The truth is, I find alot of security in casual sex relationships. Although I form good long term friendships through it, but the truth is, one thing about those relationships is that, it's guaranteed not to last, there are no promises made, and I expect them all to end some day, eventually. I feel really secure knowing the future of that relationship lol. Which is funny. Relationships that don't last gives me most security.
I have childhood abandonment issues, and x-husband abandonment issues as well.
So I think it's gonna be extremely difficult for me to find faith in a long term committed relationship, because I do not know it's future. The man loves you one day, demands your sexual loyalty and for the record, I have never been unfaithful to any committed relationship I have ever been with. I would never do that, it's against my integrity. If I wanted to "cheat", I'd tell you straight, I want to fuck someone else, I wouldn't do it behind your back. But I think if it reach that stage, I'm ready to leave you. Because I can't imagine wanting to fuck anybody else every day besides the man I love, if I love him. I am a super loyal person to my friends and to my partner, I will always be protective of them, and my loyalty is unwaverable.
Anyway, as I was saying, the man loves you to death one day, first year, second year, maybe first few years, stop loving you the next day. The cycle continues. There is absolutely nothing I can do about that. Nothing at all. There is so much insecurity in a commited relationship because the other person can un-commit any time, while he "promises" commitment, but it's all just words.
So, I really don't know how I can fix this problem, but it is a realisation, how safe I feel with my fuck buddies. How parting is so painless and so easy every time it happens, that it forms a very comforting security blanket for me. Relationships that are honest and tell me straight up front that it won't last.
So, today, I am feeling quite fucked up about this. I don't know if I can ever trust a man not to harm me. I hate hearing men telling me promises of forever because it's all usually bullshit, stuffs they say when they are inlove with me from the start. It makes me cringe.
It's so bad. I just don't want to hear lies or promises they aren't capable of keeping. I rather hear brutal and honest truth at all times.
It would be nicer to hear stuffs like, "I can't promise you the future, what will happen is unknown but I can promise that as long as I am with you, I will love and treat you well, and if I leave you for any unforeseeable reason, I will make sure you are okay."
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Someone said something about testing me if I had feelings like tissue that tear easily.
I think it's a stupid test!
OF COURSE I have feelings of tissue!
I am a woman!
We are soft and tender hearted!
Looking for a man who knows how to treat a woman like a woman.
Gently and softly, not abrasively.
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I don't like the word obedience. I do not want to obey, I simply want to agree to do something, and do it because I agree with him and want to do it, because I choose to and I want to please him. But I don't see that as obedience. It's a reaction to how you feel towards that person and how that person makes you feel.
That's what mutually consensual means to me.
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Islam is a gigantic hard limit. If you love this religion or support this religion in any way or manner.
Trust me, we will not get along. So save yourself having to hear me say things that offends your love for this religion and do not attempt to engage me on this issue.
When every Single Muslim woman in this universe is allowed to wear whatever she wants to wear, then I will start feeling more kindly towards Islam.
Until then, being forced to dress conservatively is just the beginning of my super beef with that religion! And a good enough reason not to feel supportive towards it. |
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I saw this quote on a dom's profile today, and it's probably the exact quote I need to read today that is relevant to my life right now. It's actually comforting to me that no matter what comes at me to devastate me, when I heal, those places will be reinforced and strengthen, my shell will be tougher.
The world breaks us all and when we heal we are stronger in those places.
-Tennison- |
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If you are a man who can't have sex every night and day, and it's not your thing, and you think that's excessive, you're not suitable for me. Eliminate yourself now.
If you are man who have a proven track record of sex everyday, and that's what you want too, and that's what you would enjoy in a life partner, come to me!
Let's connect!
I like bdsm and I like sex. I do not want any bdsm without sex. |
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Doms who expects me to lead conversations with them after they contact me and tell me they want to chat, please...., this is a problem, if you are unable start a conversation with me, then we got issues. What I mean is, telling me they want to chat and I tell them to chat away, and they go silent, because they are expecting me to make conversation with them first lol.
While I am capable of starting conversations with people, but for me, one of the first thing I will notice about you is your capability of leading the conversation.
If you listed dominant in your profile, I will not engage you or make any attempt to lead or start the conversation, as I am observing how good you are at leading and managing situations. I will usually take a step back and just observe how you handle things. And go along with it.
I think a good leader needs to be capable of making conversations. That's a MUST.
Not asking for small talk, go straight to the deep stuffs with me, I have no problem with that.
After all, I always look for men who can handle me. I don't want to handle him. Too easy for me to take over control and over ride everything, but then, I will start questioning why do you bother identifying as a dominant at all?
And for the clueless one, this doesn't mean running roughsheds. It's simply about silent confidence and knowing how to maneuver situations smoothly.
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I love real life true love stories from real people who really remain deeply inlove with each other despite being together forever and forever. Love this little revealing snippet by our founder when his wife got stroke.
Lee Kuan Yew told her: 'We have been together for most of our lives. You cannot leave me alone now. I will make your life worth living in spite of your physical handicap.' She said: 'That is a big promise.' He replied: 'Have I ever let you down?' |
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The Founder of my country has passed away recently.
I absolutely love and respect him, as a human being, as a husband, and just, as an incredibly witty, intelligent, no nonsense but at the same time, full of logical common sense, big picture and far sighted type of person. I feel like this man could run any country in the world and make it successful IF he wanted to. He did miracles with ours.
His not politically correct. His not afraid to say what is right, even if it's not what people want to hear or if it would make him unpopular and hated. His a proper leader who does not pander to the masses and their selfish individual "wants". His focus is on what he thinks is best for the country and he made it happen, the results speaks for itself.
Though some tough measures had to be implemented to those that oppose him, that's why he may have a bit of a reputation as a dictator, but we were very lucky that this "dictator" made decisions based on what's best for the country and every decision he made benefited us and the country in the future which is now. He had to shut the disruptive naysayers down as they were in his way of his vision.
There are those closeted people in our country, who seem to think that he has done a terrible job and yea, the things they are complaining about are seriously, first world problems, car prices too high (but our public transportation is so well connected and taxis are still cheaper than many other countries), home prices too high (Other countries rent, now we just feel entitled to own one), salaries not increasing (With increased salary comes even higher cost of living, then they complain about everything else increasing as well, how about working towards finding a job that pays better?), not enough high end jobs (There is a reason why there are so many foreigners in Singapore, because they can't find a well paid job in their country, so do what they do, find it in another country) etc, most of it are like WTF?
And they also put him down by saying, because we are a tiny country, anybody could have done what he had done. What bullshit, I'd like to see any other leaders find another tiny country with ZERO natural resource and land so tiny, that I could easily walk on foot, from North to South end of the country in 4 hours. And I'd like to see one of them go forth and attempt to transform it into one of the richest countries in the world, where jobless rate is below 3% and poverty is one of the lowest in the world, with 70% of the population have home ownership, and not merely rent theirs. Even the poorer families have their own homes.
I also really admire him as a husband to his wife. This man is just devoted and loyal to his wife and wears his love for her on his sleeves. They been together for like what? 70 yrs! Anybody who seen them together has commented that it's amazing how 2 people can have so many years together and still have so much to keep talking with each other about, they are so connected and sooo complimentary to each other.
He claims that many of his ideas of improving the country came from his wife, he just executed it. Haha! That is like, super sweet! But his wife was a successful lawyer like him, so she is intelligent.
Anyway, while the whole country is mourning his death. I am happy for him! He lost the will to live when he lost his wife. This was inevitable. He loves her to death! And now they are together and reunited, and they are happy together again! His done enough for this country and it's time for him to just enjoy the rest of after-life with the one he loves.
I want to leave some of his quotes that I feel is what made him a great leader!
"I have never been obsessed with opinion polls or popularity polls, I think a leader who is, is a weak leader."
"I always tried to be correct, not politically correct."
RIP Lee Kuan Yew
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You will always have these men who accuse you of not being female or being a gay male, because you refuse to meet up with them.
I've met up with many men from online sites when I feel safe and comfortable to meet up with them and I feel I can trust them to do me no harm.
But I'm a woman and I go 300% on instinct. If my spider sense is feeling bad vibes about you, chances are, we will never meet.
I cannot explain what triggers it. Sometimes even if a man is seemingly nice, and I still have irrational reservation, I trust it with my life and go with it, because it has always served me well. It helps me not meet bad people and not have bad experiences. Maybe I may miss out on some genuine nice people who I misunderstood as well, but better safe than sorry eh?
But in this case, this guy said something as simple as, "He has no problem getting hard if the woman was sexy enough." By the way, this was from his very first introduction, I never questioned his ability to get hard.
You know what I read from that? A man who is extremely insecure about his own sexuality. I don't like insecure men as they are dangerous as they are usually are prone to emotional instability, nastiness, pettiness and basically terrible things when their insecurity acts up. Anyway, as his behaviour got nastier as I refused to meet, he just proved me right about him, after he moved on to accusing me of being some fake gay male. |
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Sexual adventures always seem to be like useless things to do in life.
But OMG! For me, it's just so much joy! Especially when you experience something amazing and new and it's amazing!
I hate all the stupid men of the world who tries to make women feel guilty for enjoying sex and turn something so beautiful so ugly.
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A thought came to me about the meaning of controlling someone, and how some "real" doms who are looking for "real" subs to control, and how illogical their logic is to me.
The illogical part is this. They are looking for someone naturally obedient and submissive. But IF someone is naturally obedient and submissive, how much control are you actually exercising? There is no control really, it's fake control. You are practically just directing someone who does not wish to make any decision for themselves, ever.
Perhaps, I view dominance as something more of a challenge, and something admirable, and something that only a few individuals can be good at, something exclusive, something special.
But if you are just dominating over someone who is looking to be give up all control, I mean like..., the ones who are just incapable of making any decisions for themselves or want any responsibilities for themselves. Then, where is the skills? I can do that too! If I found someone like that, who is just happy to be pliant and obedient. I could dominate over that person too. Anybody can do that.
For me to make decisions for someone and run their life, if they told me that's what they want me to do, super easy to do. No big feat at all.
But inspiring a woman who does not submit easily to actually submit to you, now...., that takes skills.
So seriously, any doms who accuse any woman of not being submissive enough, I think I would question, how much do you want the woman to take it easy on you because you suck at dominating her?
Looking for an easier prey just simply means, you are not capable of handling the more difficult one.
Agree or disagree? Just my opinion!
I remembered meeting a dom who is so proud of his submissive because she's naturally submissive. She admits that because of her natural submissiveness, she could not protect herself from predators or people who wants to take advantage of her, that she even got raped many times, because she could not even say no, she was essentially completely helpless. And his proud of her submissiveness, because she's a true submissive!
While that is great, but I just think, "Eh! No Challenge, this woman obeys anybody, so you're proud because she obeys you when it's her nature, but NOTHING to do with your dominance?"
But anyway, this dom isn't a bad guy and takes good care of his sub, so everything is good there, but he puts down every other woman who is not as submissive as his sub, but frankly, when he is able to inspire submission in a woman who is actually able to make decisions on her own and is independent and has a mind of her own, THEN he can brag about being a great dominant.
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I just learnt about the most wonderful true story of a young man who fell inlove with a much older woman, at least more than 10 years his senior, and their love lasted forever and forever, and still love each other deeply.
Best true love story ever! Real Fairytale!
This is not an advertisement that I want a younger man BTW! I actually do not.
But the challenges of a young man and a much older woman is far more difficult than the challenges of a young woman and a much older man.
So I am just impressed that such relationships managed to work out!
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Apparently I am a Brat, but of course consensual non-consensual dynamic is my number 1 turn on!
== Results from http://bdsmtest.org/ ==
83% Brat
75% Bondage Receiver
75% Submissive
50% Degradation Receiver
50% Girl/Boy
50% Masochist
40% Primal (Prey)
25% Experimentalist
25% Non-monogamist
25% Pervert
25% Slave
25% Switch
25% Vanilla
25% Voyeur
20% Primal (Predator)
17% All-Rounder
0% Bondage Giver
0% Brat Tamer
0% Daddy/Mommy
0% Degradation Giver
0% Dominant
0% Exhibitionist
0% Master/Mistress
0% Sadist
See my results online at http://bdsmtest.org/result.?id=163828 |
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Hate men who brags to me about screwing someone else's wife. AS IF it's something to be proud about. To make it worst, he calls himself a dom.
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If a man cannot fulfill having sex with me everyday. Then he must at least fulfill cuddling me to sleep everyday, I love spooning position, feeling his dick rub against my butt cheeks, just greatest things to sleep to and wake up to.
Simple request right? |
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Lol!! 60 yr old who claims he wants to be some wise Daddy to guide some Little Baby Girl, and then he behaves like a 13 yr old boy throwing tantrum, because he was the one who contacted me first and attempt to shove his creepy Daddy and Little baby Girl dynamic down my throat when I clearly say I am not into that dynamic!
And what a stupid comment. Daddy means Father. Little baby girl, means pre-puberscent. Please!! If I want to determine what those words mean, that's actually accurate according to the English Dictionary. Sure I understand he doesn't actually want an underage girl, but he clearly wants one who will behave like one, so it could be legal, and if I didn't hit something that was true that he was ashamed about, he wouldn't get so mad.
And anyway, what the hell does a "Daddydom" do that a regular dominant does not do anyway? Nothing. Regular dominants are just as caring and loving and protective of their submissive. The only difference is, they don't need to be called "Daddy". I definitely raise full eye browns at the NEED to be called "Daddy". I prefer "Master".
Last of all, base on how he loses his temper below with me, and starts putting me down and use his age for superiority and start being condescending, his a terrible father, and I would hate to be his "child". If I can dream of a nightmare and abusive father towards me, below is exactly how he will sound like.
Sometimes, I appreciate my gift in bringing out the worst in people, because the genuinely nice people don't have any worst to be brought out. Only the fake ones like this one, has an ugly personality behind he was hiding from me initially when he appeared to be innocently nice.
My god your stupid. your to dumb to even take the time to read something that can add enlightenment to your knowledge.
I'm not justifying it just encouraging understanding.
YOU DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO DETERMINE THE TERMS/WORDS USED WHEN YOU GET OLDER MAYBE YOU WILL UNDERSTAND THAT.
Done your not smart enough to waste my time talking to so your blocked. |
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Ugh!
It just gets harder!
The moment I start requiring mental connection, it all goes down hill!
It's almost impossible to find mental connection!
I just don't connect easily mentally with people.
Maybe I'm the one with the low IQ or EQ but I just don't. |
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I stole this from Hannibal 2272 profile. Love it!
A real dom must work to inspire the lady into submission, conquering her mind, making her feel safe and respected so she will release her fantasy, explore her limits and strive to please.
I know some doms will belch at this deion of a dominant. But I guess it depends on what type of leader are you?
1) Hitler style Tyrant - Follow all my rules or you're fired
2) Benevolent - I inspire people to want to work under me, follow me and do their best for me |
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Excepts of my conversation with someone. This is me, I just wanna share.
Believe me, I HATED punishment, and till today, I HATE punishment.BDSM to me is about trust, trusting someone to do something seemingly dangerous or hurtful or taboo, towards you because you trust that person so deeply to never hurt you and you allow it to happen because he enjoys it and you enjoy sharing this joy and closeness of enjoying this act with him.But punishment is a hard limit for me in BDSM.
If you ask if I'm as fearless as before, something went wrong with me when my marriage collapse. I lost all my courage. Literally disappeared. I am a different person today. I fear everything.
Before, it was only my parents who had the power to truly hurt me.
After, the one man whom I trusted my life to and really really trusted him utterly with my heart and gave him the full power to hurt me, went all out and trample and crush it. That's how I feel. I just feel drained by this shit, I've always been there for people who were weaker, I always gave them strength. Now I am weak, and I need someone to do the same for me. |
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Just a conversation. Some history on this sub. She really loves being deprived. Her dom makes her go without an orgasm for as long as 2 years. She loves to feel like she is suffering for him. This was in response to me moaning about how punishment is evil. Anyway, I hate being punished, she loves being punished. I am not trying to change her mind, I see this more of an exchange of 2 different women into 2 different things.
Maroon - ME
Blue - HER
Each to their own opinion, and yet, I am sure many vanilla people see BDSM as hate, and not love. Yet we know different, right?
BDSM is just an action. The message and intent behind the action is another story. Even in vanilla life, I never see punishment as love, even from parent to child.
I am sure you understand that many vanilla people see 'rules' and permission as being treated like a child and not a full grown woman and yet, we know different, right?
Actually, I do see it as people having the fetish of being treated as a child. They enjoy it.
I am not sure I could love, desire or respect someone that I did not, on some level, fear. It's like the fear holds a little kernel of excitement and truth for me, that I wouldn't feel if I didn't fear him. Even when we are doing something completely vanilla, like making love, to look at him and remember that little flicker of fear that I have for what he might do to me, and the respect I feel for him because of that, makes it completely exciting and overwhelming. I'm not sure I could feel the same way for someone I didn't fear.
This is something I will never understand ever. I can't associate fear with love at all. If I fear someone, I will never go near him or want him in my life. I need to feel safe with him.
You realise that much s&m play intentionally causes distress, not just punishment play? I am not looking for a protector, I am looking for a sadist. It's not abuse when it's safe, sane and consensual
Yes this part is melting my brain a little. Looking to be with someone you feel constant fear and anxiety from. I never saw this as part of BDSM. I never associated Fear or distress with BDSM, I associate that with real abuse. I always saw it as utter trust in someone to be into bdsm, you trust him so much that you allow him to do all that seemingly "nasty" and "dangerous" and "painful" things. But never fear. As the only reason why you trust him to do all that to you is because you know deep down he will never truly hurt you. |
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I wish I could be happy with 50%.
I'm looking for a super nice guy outside of the bedroom, who treats you lovingly and with so much respect and care, but in the bedroom, his morphs into someone who has a dark side, a dark side which I crave for, for his and mine sexual fulfillment.
Someone point out to me that split personality is a medical condition and I shouldn't want someone with that. Perhaps it should be described as wearing 2 different hats.
But I think, it's kinda having split personality where you can really control.
In my past relationship, I really love that my x-dom clearly differentiates his 2 person. And sometimes he ask me if I wanted my evil master out, or do I want my boyfriend, sometimes evil master stays on all day because his in the mood to be an asshole all day, until it gets too much and I cry out for my boyfriend.
He played the split personality extremely well. When things gets too rough, too nasty, my x-dom I feel was pretty sadistic, although he was in total denial that he was a sadist. But it's all about people's ideas of what it means to be a sadist. He thinks someone is only a sadist when they are seriously into cutting skin, making a person bleed, really really causing physical pain and leaving permanent scars, things like that, so he doesn't associate himself as a sadist.
But the truth is, his number 1 favourite pleasure is humiliation. And that is sadistic. His humiliation is alot more mental and emotional, and in some ways, that is alot worst than physical, he doesn't really like to use pain, he thinks pain is worst, but it really isn't. And we fit because seriously, the more nasty he is when his in dom-mode, the more turn on I am by it, also knowing how much he loved me and would never intentionally do anything to harm me. But as things get seriously nasty, if it gets too much, I get to cry out for my boyfriend. And immediately, nasty master goes away, sweet loving boyfriend comes back, cuddles me, and do vanilla things with me for the rest of the day.
It was just perfect.
This dynamic really worked very well for me. We never had a punishment dynamic. In no way does he ever speak to me in dom-mode if his upset with me. He will talk to me like his a vanilla BF. When he beats me, it's because he feels like beating me, beating me is for his pleasure, not for punishment. And I enjoy it because it gives him pleasure. If he enjoys punishing me, I cannot process the idea of why anybody who loves me would want to punish me. I understand why someone who loves me, would love me more because he enjoys beating or humiliating someone and I understand and let him because he enjoys it, and I want him to enjoy these things with me but I will never understand why he enjoys punishing me.
I seriously don't get the punishment thing at all. If someone is upset with me, they better sit me down, snap out of dom-mode and talk to me properly and discuss the issue. IF punishment ever occur under dom-mode, over any issues between us, like OMG, things will be broken forever.
Anyway..., 50%....., all I've spoken was sexual, bdsm dynamic between me and my x-dom was perfect, we sync. But life is alot more than that. Vanilla aspects, values, vision for the future, just things that are important to us, all were conflicting. I couldn't be happy with just 50% perfection.
And now I face the same problem. I have a 50% perfection vanilla man in my life. But there is not a dominant bone in his body. And I am not happy. I want him to be something he can't be. A sexual dominant.
Why can't I just be happy and content with 50%? I badly want to be. |
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Learnt a new word today from the forums.
Funishment
Great word!
I think bdsm should indulge in more Funishment dynamic than Punishment dynamic.
More doms need to be educated in Funishment.
This dreadful punishment dynamic is so negative and sucks the love and joy out of bdsm.
I alway say, if my dom beats me, it's for HIS pleasure and never for my punishment.
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So I finally caught the 50 shades movie, and I gotta say, I love the red room of pain.
Again, I am concern about the portrayal of this dominant guy, who is a bad example of a dominant. I mean, seriously, he beats women because he hates his mom and imagines them to be his mom as he beats them. WTF? Why does the dom have to have such fucked up issues? No wonder he gave up bdsm for her in the end, if his love for bdsm came from such a negative and ugly place.
Spare me dominants with mommy issues.
But my biggest concern would be, rich, beautiful man stalks you like this man does, no respect for your private space, usually in real life, you better run. Men like that don't change for the better because of his "love" for you. He usually gets worst as he keeps emotionally manipulating you, blaming his mommy issues for it. Younger girls might mistake all these excessive possessive actions as love.
It's perpetrating like she is his cure from lol, sadism...., seriously..., I can honestly say that I've loved bdsm since a child and I just realise I love it because it turns me on. While I had baggage filled past, but my love for bdsm came before the truly traumatic era of my life. It was never related to each other, and I highly doubt my love for bdsm will ever die. It turns me on, it rocks my world, and I absolutely love it, it brings me joy and serenity, being involve in it.
My biggest challenge is finding someone who is as sane and realistic as me about how this lifestyle is gonna work 24/7. I've lived it, experienced it and know exactly how it effortlessly switches between vanilla and d/s, but I keep meeting people who puts unrealistic expectations of me to fulfill in such a relationship.
Anyway, back to the red room of pain. That is one gorgeous room. I have dreamt to have my own dungeon at home. But I have always pondered how do we do elevation from the ceiling. 50 shades show exactly how that is done and it's sooo simple! Just putting metal grills across the ceilings, and wala!! It's super flexible to tie people in many ways from the ceiling. Wonderful!!! I know one day I will have my dungeon but it probably will not be red, too tacky and brothel-like, but at least now I know what to do with my ceiling. But I guess it would be tricky to tell the contractor why I need freaking grills across my ceiling. Haha! Just gonna say it's modern and arty :)
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I need to meet my other half! A man with the same unquenchable sex drive. |
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Submissive men are lucky, they got many pro-dommes, many are complaining about it, but they don't know how lucky they are. I mean, IF they cannot find their perfect domme, they can pay and instruct one to behave like their perfect domme, they can choose one that is their ideal physical appearance, and pay her to play out the scene of his fantasy.
Now for us female submissive, finding the right dom who inspires submission is hard enough.
I was just thinking that if in my lifetime, my hope and dreams never come true, it would be still good to pay a professional dominant male to make it happen for me. Sure, it will lack the all important emotional aspect of it, especially when it's super topping from bottom.
But it's better than nothing. I'd love to pay for a pro-male dominant. Especially if his physically everything I want in a man, and can play the role to precisely how I love it.
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I wish I could live in a world where I don't have to wear bras to work.
I HATE wearing bras!
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Although Twilight was like a super corny romance story, and I cringed in many sappy part of it, but basically you have Edward Cullen who is over-protective and treats Belle like a child and always thinks he knows what's best for her. His love is obsessive and possessive to what is psychologically considered unhealthy levels.
But hey! It works for Belle, she's happy with it, that's what counts. And over all, I feel like his key intentions was never to cause Belle any harm. He was still a very gentle fellow, who just always felt he knows what's best for her.
I like to think in relationships, there are no right or wrong dynamics. There is only a dynamic that is complimentary between 2 people.
So this is preluding to my thoughts on 50 shades of grey. A man who suffered abuse as a child, all messed up and fucked up, Mr Bad Boy, uses that as his reason for being into BDSM and also the excuse for any bad and unacceptable behaviour he has displayed.
And he has all the typical traits of someone who is completely manipulative, controlling, self-centred and self-absorbed. A typical trait of someone who will never understand what it means to love someone unconditionally.
But it's basically a story of a bad boy psychologically, physically and emotionally, abusing a woman, he thinks he love, and then eventually love wins the day, where he gives up all his "evil bdsm ways" for her. She changes him from bad to good.
What woman doesn't like romance about a man who is sooo fucked up and seemingly beyond redemption, but love her so much and enough to change for her? On top of that, his a loaded billionaire. It's like taming a wild animal. There is alot of chills in that.
It's like if I go in the jungle and saw this ferocious wild tiger who wants to eat me and could definitely kill me, but I keep working with it, suffering injuries, to try to tame it and befriend it. If I succeeded in taming the tiger into a loving and cuddly kitten, that would be like...., freaking awesome right? If I fail then of course I get eaten and dead. It's just the thrill of playing with danger I guess.
So yes..., I would enjoy a storyline like 50 shades of grey, just like I enjoyed Twilight. In the real world, it would be dangerous to follow the example of 50 shades of grey, some women could seriously end up dead with some serious real life abusers.
But in fantasy, we all want to imagine we can do magic and inspire someone bad to be good. That is romantic and sticking with him through thick and thin paid off.
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I wonder if some doms would feel like a bad person if they don't practice punishment dynamics.
I always imagined..., well..., can't say it's imagined, since I've already been in a 24/7 D/S relationship before and my x-dom got that dynamic right, I mean, that's why we click.
But I hate punishment dynamic. And am not interested to be punished for anything. I like a diabolical dom who just beats you or torture you, because he feels like it. Not because he needs to correct your behaviour for anything but he does it because he enjoys it and your job to is to be there for him to indulge on what he loves doing, it's complimentary. I like the whole, you can't do anything right and you can't do anything to escape his sadistic treatment kinda vibe. There is no this nonsense reward for good behaviour or punishment for bad behaviour crap. Because he owns your body and he will do whatever he wants to it at his whim.
It's of course important his sex drive is unusually high and his always lusting and always needing me to be ready for him. This dynamic cannot work if the man has a lousy sex drive.
But at the same time, this is complicated because this tend to attract alot of extremists, and I am not extreme at all. My level of kink is just scratch the surface type, so I can't take real pain.
I may have been beaten till my skin broke, by my x-master, but it didn't hurt. He did everything in a way, apply pain to me in a way where it does not hurt. Even the bruise didn't hurt for days or anything like, it was a pleasant gentle soreness and throbbing that turns me on, thinking of who put it there and how it pleased him to leave his mark on me. He used to stroke my bruise with pride daily. I like seeing them on me.
I cannot say this happens with all the time, and really, I have not met anybody yet with the same skills, it was his skills of doing things.
I love "male sluts" not in a derogatory way. I just love men who lusts for non stop sex all day and can't get enough, because I feel exactly the same.
I dislike men who gives me crap about my sex drive. Because they can't keep up.
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It's Happy Quoting day!
Found more Happy Quotes that I like!
You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don’t try.
-Beverly Sills-
It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.
–Confucius-
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Gor as role play fantasy is fun for me to play with. But Gor as a reality is like getting raped for real, probably not a fun place to be in.
Saw this on the forum. Gotta put it in my journal as I want to read it whenever I need a laugh. Too funny even though..., it's super accurate!
HOUSEPLANTS OF GOR
The spider plant cringed as its owner brought forth the watering can. "I am a spider plant!" it cried indignantly. "How dare you water me before my time! Guards!" it called. "Guards!"
Borin, its owner, placed the watering can on the table and looked at it. "You will be watered," he said.
"You do not dare to water me!" laughed the plant.
"You will be watered," said Borin.
"Do not water me!" wept the plant.
"You will be watered," said Borin.
I watched this exchange. Truly, I believed the plant would be watered. It was plant, and on Gor it had no rights. Perhaps on Earth, in its permissive society, which distorts the true roles of all beings, which forces both plant and waterer to go unh appy and constrained, which forbids the fulfillment of owner and houseplant, such might not happen. Perhaps there, it would not be watered. But it was on Gor now, and would undoubtedly feel its true place, that of houseplant. It was plant. It would be watered at will. Such is the way with plants.
Borin picked up the watering can, and muchly watered the plant. The plant cried out. "No, Master! Do not water me!" The master continued to water the plant. "Please, Master," begged the plant, "do not water me!" The master continued to water the plant. It was plant. It could be watered at will.
The plant sobbed muchly as Borin laid down the watering can. It was not pleased. Too, it was wet. But this did not matter. It was plant.
"You have been well watered," said Borin.
"Yes," said the plant, "I have been well watered." Of course, it could be watered by its master at will.
"I have watered you well," said Borin.
"Yes, master," said the plant. "You have watered your plant well. I am plant, and as such I should be watered by my master."
The cactus plant next to the spider plant shuddered. It attempted to cover its small form with its small arms and small needles. "I am plant," it said wonderingly. "I am of Earth, but for the first time, I feel myself truly plantlike. On Earth, I w as able to control my watering. I often scorned those who would water me. But they were weak, and did not see my scorn for what it was, the weak attempt of a small plant to protect itself. Not one of the weak Earth waterers would dare to water a plant if it did not wish it. But on Gor," it shuddered, "on Gor it is different. Here, those who wish to water will water their plants as they wish. But strangely, I feel myself most plantlike when I am at the mercy of a strong Gorean master, who may water m e as he pleases."
"I will now water you," said Borin, the cactus's Gorean master.
The cactus did not resist being watered. Perhaps it was realizing that such watering was its master's to control. Too, perhaps it knew that this master was far superior to those of Earth, who would not water it if it did not wish to be watered.
The cactus's watering had been finished. The spider plant looked at it.
"I have been well watered," it said.
"I, too, have been well watered," said the cactus.
"My master has watered me well," said the spider plant.
"My master, too, has watered me well," said the cactus.
"I am to be placed in a hanging basket on the porch," said the spider plant.
"I, too, am to be placed in a hnaging basket on the porch," said the cactus.
"I wish you well," said the spider plant.
"I, too, wish you well," said the cactus.
"Tal," said the spider plant.
"Tal, too," said the cactus.
I did not think that the spider plant would object to being watered by its master again. For it realized that it was plant, and that here, unlike on Earth, it was likely to be owned and watered by many masters.
~ By Elle, who has read far too many Gor books and taken far too many finals to be allowed to run rampant on a computer.
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Today, I came across this quote by Michelangelo's, the ancient famous Artist I guess. It says:
The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark.
The message in this quote was totally lost on me. Was he saying people shouldn't be content?
If somebody aimed low and achieved their goals, despite them not being high and lofty, what is the big issue there?
If they are happy with what they have achieved and satisfied with it, I think that is the true path to happiness.
Most unhappy people are unhappy precisely because of setting aim too high and falling short.
I think this is the silliest motivational quote ever.
And I wish to end this journal entry by something I consider to be a much better positive motivational quote. I live my life by this for sure!
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do, so throw off the bowlines, sail away from safe harbor, catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore, Dream, Discover.
–Mark Twain-
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I've been to alot of blind meets, more than a hundreds, I usually don't care about looks, although I do care that the guy is tall and heavy, otherwise, I am not interested sexually and probably won't even care about meeting, as I know I won't be sexually attracted.
And I can honestly say from personal experiences that the best looking men are usually not the ones who are pre-occupied with your appearances. And they also do not mention they are good looking. Like often you get those who introduce themselves as good looking, usually are not good looking at all.
I don't know why.
The ones that are super worried about your appearance in blind meets, always end up to be the most not so great looking ones. And on top of that, despite their own below average looks, they are most critical about other people's appearances and tend to expect all women to look like super model standards.
Why is this so?
My happy lay the other day was one gorgeous looking dude, athletic and ripped too, got the pecs, and he didn't even care how I look like, as in, he didn't bother to ask for a deion of my appearance or a picture or anything, and then when we meet, he looks at me like I'm gorgeous and treated me like a princess.
Physically, I like a man with alot more flesh than this dude, but all I am saying is, he turn out to be classically good looking.
Anyway, that is my personal experience.
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Pet Peeve.
People who only do selective reading.
Seriously, bad impression immediately from first contact!
Makes me think they are using their small brain and not their big one.
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What a wonderful Monday! Mood of a woman who has been thoroughly and properly rogered! Super happy!
Now if only I can meet a man who sex drive can rival mine and keep this going. I'd be a happy camper everyday! |
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My Quote of the Day
My forte is humiliation which comes in many forms. Making you dress sluttily, making you masturbate in front of me, making you crawl on all fours and beg and simply tying you up are all examples of humiliation that a lot of people don't consider.
By UVsHumiliator
So anyway, I sometimes come across other doms profile that says something that I can relate to. Interestingly though, this dom seem to be specifically into online play only, but probably also explains his extremely mild form of humiliation play.
But I am into mild humiliation play, and it would be nice to find a dom who enjoys these things. As I absolutely love it! I never indulge in fake online play though. Just think, it's as good as self-masturbation and just using my imagination. I prefer a real life flesh and blood dom, in a real life play. |
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Just reached a realization today. Alot of my friends always tell me I am very very strong.
But I never feel truly strong, because I had many moments of absolute weaknesses that I have crumbled and unable to hold up.
But I realise that, no matter how hard I fall, and how hard the impact is when I hit the ground. I cried alot and felt like it's the end of the world but I still always have that little spark that keeps me chugging along. I always tell myself, take things day by day, keep moving forward, eventually something will crop up. Clarity will come on what to do.
Sometimes, it takes alot of time, ALOT of time to feel strong again and capable. More time than anybody on earth thinks it's acceptable.
And it usually involves long periods of feeling like I've totally lost my way with no direction. But I eventually get there.
So I am as strong as my friends say I am. It's the strength to keep going and still keep finding solutions, any solutions, trial and error constantly, to solve my problems. It's a process that takes time, alot of time, to try different things and keep working at it.
And it's a continuous learning curve. Eventually, you'll hit the path that is right for you to get you back on track.
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My favourite quote of the Day by SirWivern
My biggest love from this life is the control aspect. To be able to have that power over someone else is something like no other. For them to be able to have that full amout of trust and respect in one person for them to hand over their life is one of the greats feelings to have.
This is exactly what I like about this lifestyle. The possibility of meeting someone I can trust to that extent. |
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Sometimes, it seriously annoys me, like I put up a very detailed profile, I write open heartedly in my journals, and I even put pictures to depict the style of bdsm I enjoy.
Everything is suppose to give people a very clear idea of what I am and if we will fit.
But crazily, and incredibly, I keep getting people who have absolutely ZERO common ground with me in BDSM, D/S, MENTALLY, EVERYTHING, contacting me.
Like WTF seriously?
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Today is one of those emotionally tough day.
Although day went pretty well.
But my mood is black like hell!
Lack of sleep and period coming probably getting to me.
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My resolution for Year 2015 is patience and focus.
There are a few goals I'd be working towards for 2015 that I know is a 100% done deal if I stay disciplined in making it happen. As I ticked off alot of my bucket list again for 2014. This was a productive year for me in terms of bucket lists.
But affairs of the heart is the hardest thing to plan for. Don't know where to start, where to search, where he will be, where he might turn up. Just not meeting anybody who gets me or connects with me or knows how to deal with me or handle me or even touches me and make me feel comfortable. But this is not a complaint, as I know the right one is not supposed to be easy to come by. But more of being lost on how to achieve this goal I want, to find my match. I still haven't figured this part out. So many other things are so achievable with guarantee even, if you follow certain disciplined routine, but not for this, there is no sure way.
As they say, keep kissing alot of frogs. So I know it's not gonna be easy, but when the right one finally comes in, I know it's gonna be great. We are gonna be great together. But I wish I knew a more efficient way in locating him faster.
I will just keep hunting him down in different avenues. Whoever he is. |
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It amazes me as a female who detest the sensation of a smooth and slimey tongue anywhere on my body, often gets loads of abusive emails from men feeling angry about that.
I get called, frigid, cold, uncomfortable with my sexuality, to the extent of psychologically unsound and of course the infamous selfish. So selfish for refusing to allow a man to touch me with his tongue. I even get offered money if I allowed them to prove to me that the tongue is great.
Something is seriously wrong with all this. Why do they feel entitled to touch me with their tongue? Also, it also makes me ponder if majority women actually prefer tongues at all if men have time to write me long abusive emails being angry with me for not liking tongue. I mean, seriously..., we aren't ever gonna have sex with each other ever, so how does it affect him if he can't use his tongue on me? His never ever gonna be allowed to get near me in the first place. Surely if his tongue is so impressive and superior, he'll be too busy offering his tongue to legions of appreciative women queuing up to feel his tongue on their bodies, to have time to get angry about me not liking tongue.
The tongue is completely a useless sexual tool to me, nothing toys can't replace. The fingers can at least get into your vagina and hit your gspot and give you orgasms. The tongue can't even reach in there. It gives inferior orgasms as compared to what vibrators and the fingers can produce.
What's to like about the tongue?
The smooth part of the tongue is a huge problem as it has no texture. I love the feel of the grain lines of hands and fingers brushing my clit and inside of me and my body, I can feel texture, sensation. That is true heavenly sensation. A man who knows what to do with his fingers and hands, play with my body like a guitar, always brings me to heaven.
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Some men are hella annoying and clueless!
Grrr! |
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I believe in the mumbo jumbo internal energy thing.
Something inside me is closed to receiving new relationships due to affections I feel for somebody who is freaking vanilla! And I do not want to bond with a vanilla dude as I don't want any deprivation to my bdsm inclination!
Ugh!
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Ever felt like, there is something you have in your life that you should be damn grateful for, but you can't help but be unable to feel happy about it?
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I was just thinking about the difference between doms I've been interacting with these days to how I hook up with my x-dom.
I've been thinking about what is the thing that makes me so reluctant to get anywhere with them, and also being unable to feel a remote desire to do anything sexually submissive with them, because I am unable to feel any submissive feelings with them, whereas, with my x-dom, it felt so natural, when we got together, I recognize him as my alpha.
The key thing is: Who is reassuring Who?
I know many doms have bad experiences here and want to protect themselves and stuffs. But end of the day, they are the man, I am the woman. They are the dominant, I am the sub.
But the way alot of doms approach me is I have to be the one to reassure them, to make them feel comfortable with me, to make them feel safe with me, I am the one mothering over them. They are the ones who is skittish and scared that I'm fake, not real, or I don't know. That type of approach already makes me feel dominant, like the leader, and the one who has to take control and take care of them. How could such behaviour possibly inspire any submissiveness in me?
But so far any seemingly genuine dom who express any remote interest in me has approach me with such energy which expresses so much doubts and fear, rather than just alpha confidence. Like they fear a mere woman, who they want to dominate?
It was nothing like this with my x-dom. He was most focus on presenting himself as a confident, safe person to be with and how I will be safe with him, that I have nothing to worry about. The kind of vibe he sends out is he feels he can handle anything, even if I was fake, or unattractive, no big deal, his strong and bold, and his just focus on assuring me, and assuaging all my doubts about him, and he took control, he took command, he possess me from day 1. He wasn't worried if I was real or fake as he just felt whatever I turn out to be, no issues, he can handle it. He was just cool like that.
His first goal was to make me feel comfortable and safe enough to meet up with him, and it was a good first goal.
Is such Alpha male like him extinct now?
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Submission should be given freely, from the heart, with love.
Not to be belittled into it, intimidated into it or pressured into it.
The question is, how can you inspire someone to handover her free will to you, without using any of the negative methods I mentioned above.
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Interesting. Basically, there is this female sub, who has been denied orgasm for as long as one year. Anyway, the thing is, she enjoys all the denial. Recently she mentioned that, her dom taking away all her basic priviledges, like, being able to drink coffee and time to get up, or I don't know, made her feel more submissive towards him.
So I have basically got the feel that her main kink is any kind of denial. She just loves being denied things. I mean a whole year without orgasms is crazy but she absolutely loved it, and infact, she wished she could have gone on longer without orgasms.
For me, I'm like, OMFG, what a nightmare. One day without multiple orgasms is bad enough, and basically, I don't want to be with someone who is gonna deny me orgasms. I can't possibly respect him for that or even like him at all.
I'm there to be his slut, and if his not gonna make his slut be a slut and keep her a freaking virgin then what's the point?
It just goes to show, motivating a submissive is not straight forward, what inspires submission in her is gonna create like a total competing dominant out of me, you can't kill me with hardness, the harder and tougher you are with me, the more you are grooming my dominant side to rise up and clash with you head to head.
I need softness and kindness and lovingness to melt, and be soft and be pliable, and a dom has to be very intuitive. It's like disciplining children, you can't treat all your kids the same way, you got to adjust your grooming of them accordingly to their different personalities.
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Every human is soo unique that chemistry and connection is such a difficult thing.
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It's been 3 years since I nearly had a child. And 5 years ago since I had a man who was pressuring me to have a child with him. It's very difficult to me. I have turned down opportunities to have children with men who want children with me, even though they were financially able to be good providers.
Each time I turn those things down, I feel like, I am letting my dream of being a mom down. But the problem is that, I wouldn't be with those men for the right reasons. I want my kid to have parents who mutually love each other deeply.
But I feel like, it's an impossible dream to achieve, sometimes I feel regretful not to just take the chance of being mom when I had it.
Other times, I just feel that, no matter how much it hurts to throw it away, I was doing the right thing for my child, even if it means, it would never be born.
I guess if I never have a kid ever, I will find some kid to be god-ma to. I'd just adopt somebody's child and treat it as if as it's my own. It doesn't have to be my flesh and blood. I just want a baby to love. |
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Mr Grey Cunt, you know who you are.
You had issues, and I had issues. Both of us know what our issues are. And our issues clash.
But end of the day, you were the wiser and more mature one to rise above everything and do what is the best thing for both of us. I know it broke your heart, and I know you loved me alot. But you rise up and did what was right, you did what I could not do, was too weak to do. I made it extremely difficult for you, I know, you were trying to do the right thing.
I am still benefitting from your decision today, I just realise today, I really am lucky you were able to do what I couldn't do, you knew it's what I needed, and you knew it's the best thing. I still think you are one of the most extraordinary person I have ever met, or else I wouldn't have fallen inlove and chosen you. You never believed how special you are to me, that makes me sad, if only you could read my heart and mind, you will see what I feel, how I feel about you and it's all amazing good stuffs.
I want, what you cannot be. I wanted you in zen clarity mode 24/7. We couldn't change each other. But Grey Cunt is still the most romantic thing anybody said to me.
In the most fucked up way, everything worked out well. Thank you for appearing in my life. You were meant to be there somehow, you just were.
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There is a very interesting trend with vanilla boys nowadays.
Every time I say I love toys, they immediately assume, I love anal sex.
It's like ccrrraaazzzzyyyyyy.
Some new things you learn!
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I just saw this video today.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgw6y3cH7tA
Same woman wearing jeans, t-shirt and a cardigan getting harrass like hell in NYC, versus her in a Hijab.
I think there is something awfully wrong with this picture!!!
The Malaysian Muslim Authority advises women not to dress in t-shirt and jeans, as it gives men emotional distress and causes them to lose control of their actions. Of course, Hijab is highly recommended.
But THIS IS bullshit! Some kind of stupid oppression going on!
Women gotta wear the baggy flowing ninja suit to protect themselves, just because some men are unable to control themselves?
Even in the west, this experiment is true? That is disgusting!
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Men who thinks it's not domly to go down on a woman ever, please come to me!
I am sick of men who keeps wanting to go down when I hate it.
The tongue is not superior to their fingers.
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In my years on CS, it's not uncommon to have especially specifically American men, message me and tell me, he likes Asians because Asians are more submissive than American women.
Ok. First of all, I totally disagree! And could write a long essay on why American housewives are actually closer to the dream submissive women.
But this isn't about that.
It bothers me about why is this dominant so inept at dominating people that he needs to find the easiest, most submissive woman out there to manage.
For some of these men, they cluelessly assume it's Asian women that are the most pliable. Makes me chuckle. Haven't they heard of enough horror stories about American men marrying Filipino women and then getting a shock of their lives where did their tiny sweet demure girlfriend go? What happens after living together? Not that Filippino women are horrible, but they aren't this weak and pliable female that they give the impression of, regardless how petite and tiny they look. They are strong, tough, no nonsense females who knows how to rule over her man and manage her family. How many of these women are the ones who leave their country to work, be the one to make sacrifices and support their family? That shows alot of strength.
It just tells me his weak and not strong already as a person, as he cannot manage strong women. And needs to scale down on weaker women to manage.
A man like that is certainly not strong enough to manage me, that's all I am saying. Plus don't any men know anything. Chinese women are the fiercest of them all. Where do you think Tiger moms come from? |
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In my adventures in the D/S universe so far, I find alot of domly doms very insecure about their manlihood. I just feel like, they aren't laid back, relax, and just comfortable. Infact, they are very jumpy, and tense, like they always feel the need to assert their authority on every little thing otherwise, they will feel like "less".
It just occurred to me today how damn dominant someone in my life who is seemingly perfectly vanilla is.
He takes charge, makes decisions, kinda leads, but at the same time, manage to lead me in a way, where I don't even feel like his leading me, but when I really think about everything, he always gotten his way, 99.9% of the time, and I fell hook, line, sinker, without even realizing it has happened.
It's the way he is, laid back, relax, so harmless, chill, never gets upsets with me or lose his temper, but his really managing me so well. He knows where to let loose and where to stand firm. His always like the big picture guy.
I love his form of dominance, it's not the in your face, "YOU MUST OBEY EVERYTHING I SAY OR SCREW YOU, YOU'RE NOT SUBLY ENOUGH FOR ME!"
I still stand by questioning, how effective are you as a dom, if you cannot inspire co-operation in me. |
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From now, I am simply gonna block any sender from sending me further messages if their first line involve calling me derogatory names.
No point engaging with idiots who thinks being domly is being an asshole. |
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I hate the word horny and I think it's a crude word.
But right now, I am missing having a truly horny man in my life.
When you got a woman like me who craves for sex 24/7 and sex drives keeps growing with more sex I have, having an extremely perverted horny man in your life is like having Prince Charming to me.
I have in my track record never ever refused sex to my long term partners in my entire life, I swear, because it's impossible for me to refuse, since sex is usually not enough and never too much. And I love period sex too, it's messy but a woman's body is most sensitive during that time of the month that makes some mind blowing levels that you could reach that you couldn't reach it during off-period timings. |
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I saw an old old couple that looked to be late 70's, early 80's, holding hands today!
The husband was so protective of his wife.
It was absolutely beautiful.
I hope when I get my man, he'll still hold my hand when I'm old. |
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My favourite quote of the day!
This was from Roberto1 profile.
"Tried to find partners for whom my roles, fantasies, my dominant and sadistic nature is not an undesirable or merely tolerated inconvenience, but an asset, something prized and sought. "
I really love this as it completely expresses what I'm looking for, I'd say for myself, plagiarizing him obviously, "I'm looking for a partner for whom my role, fantasies, submissive tendencies and masochistic leaning nature is not an undesirable or merely tolerated inconvenience, but an asset and something prized and sought after." |
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Ouch!
Never say never. Just takes the right person to inspire it.
Unconditional love, I haven't felt that way for a long time.
Life is so unexpected sometimes! Things just pop out of no where! |
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If you really want something, you don't stop until you get it!
It will come! Giving up is the sure way never to have it. |
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So I came very close to genuinely wanting to meet a dom, until his temper and impatience showed. I could have been out meeting him tonight. I wanted to, and from a very simple question I asked him, he blew up. He said something about how I have not answered his other question. So he asked quite a few questions and I am pretty sure I answered them all so I asked him which question specifically? And that's when he lost it. Amazing right?
I am wary of men with temper and impatience.
They just cause me unnecessary anxiety.
And also, I can't see how being unable to control your own temper domly at all.
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It seems like majority of men does not understand what is the problem here?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HlFYJ0LCvGk
But I just got one thing to say, any man who only says hi ONLY TO beautiful or sexually attractive women on the street is extremely shallow and probably not gonna be a decent man.
If they were really nice and friendly genuinely, they would say hi and good morning to everybody who walks by.
Also, to walk by everyday and have so many people say stuffs to you, verbalising loudly that they noticed you are sexually attractive, as a female who is physically smaller, there is alot of fear, that one of them may take rejection badly and hurt you. It's also embarrassing, because the male loudly drawn attention to you. It's like, "Since I cannot have her, I'd publicly humiliate her." It's a power play and the person doing it, I believe knows himself, his causing her discomfort.
It has happened before. It just sucks people have to take sexual harassment like that.
Here is a "pretty boy", and to me, I don't think his straight, I see metrosexual, possibly a gay man, and I do not like men with feminine vibes and this guy screams femininity to me, and no masculinity at all, but his vibe is so gay that, he even gets sexual harassment on the street from men. This is so not right. And I don't approve of the females also loudly "complimenting" him either, it was crude and unladylike.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=InUeOWlgebM
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Interesting....
I wonder if my brother's judgement of this person is right.
He has not given up on me.
I disagreed with my brother's assessment of him.
My brother said his a keeper, based on his male point of view.
But I'm not done making him jump through enough hoops.
I guess I don't really love him, but I could be with him if I am convinced he loves me for the right reasons. And I can grow to love him because end of the day, I simply want to be with someone who treats me right. And his trainable to be a dom, if he loves me enough, he'll grow to be the dom I need.
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Grey Cunt was the sweetest thing someone said to me but sadly, it didn't happen.
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I am an emotionally and sexually high maintenance woman. I admit it! I mean, there was this topic in the forum that says exactly it.
Why the hell have a sex slave if you aren't gonna like use her every and all day and as much as humanly possible right?
Just get a normal woman if you only want to fuck her once or twice a week or every now and then. |
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"I can certainly understand why you want to feel forced or manipulated into doing something especially things that normal society doesn't approve of. It allows you to say, "He wanted me to "X" and I said no, I fought as hard as I could, so he slapped me,and made me do it - I had no choice but to obey" It absolves you of responsibility for you actions, you did nnot submit, you were forced, and there is definitely a joy in being forced...the opposite is also most certainly true."
So this is a conversation I had with someone, and that was his interpretion of why I like what I like. But this is completely an inaccurate interpretation and I realise alot of people may think that is why, so I would like to clarify here.
Because there is no way I do not take responsibility for it. I ALLOWED him to do those things to me. IF I didn't give him permission, there is NO WAY he could even execute those things. It's "Master and Sex Slave" play. Where the sex slave is trapped with him against her will. But I consensually allowed myself to indulge in that fantasy. What I like about it is, I feel his manly man masculine strength, his dominance over me. I mean, if I am just an easy submissive who just submit willingly, then to me, I can serve any pussy man right? How is he dominant if he cannot enforce his will on me? I just wouldn't feel his dominance over me. And personally, it's also a totally flawed conclusion to think that as I always have the safe word to stop everything at anytime I want. I always had control, the ball always been in my hands. It would never absolve me of any responsibility since I am responsible for my own safety and the risks and the depth I want to go.
My submission is extremely reliant on the man's ability to make me submit to him, and I am definitely not submissive to most men that I meet. I am looking for an alpha that can be more alpha than I am.
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Someone said to me I should put my journals in a blog. And I've initiated the process. Not sure how much easier it is to read it in a blog though. |
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My favourite quote of the day!
every time someone asks me "are you topping from the bottom?" i say "are you bottoming from the top?" it's not your job as the sub to pity someone and coddle them, it's worth the wait to find someone who is strong enough to handle you and considers you a prize. strong men value strong women. -DerangedUnit-
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When you meet someone whom connects with you at a level that you cannot believe could possibly exist in this world, you are filled with hope that, if there is someone like him, there are possibly others out there. Because the existence is already proven.
But as time goes by, and you are looking for more people like that person, hoping there is a whole colony of them out there somewhere, and then you realise in despair that, he might have been the only rare unique one in the whole universe.
Then again, we do have like what? 6 billion people on earth?
Out of these 6 billion people, there got to be quite a few that is perfectly right for you.
The problem is, it gotta be the right place, at the right time, and the right fate, for your paths to meet and just to find each other.
It feels like it's something not within your control at all whether in your life time, will you meet this someone or not.
That's something very frustrating, for someone like me who believes I can lead my own life to any direction I wish it to take, if I want something hard enough, I will make it happen for me. There are many things where you know for absolute certainty that if you continue a well-planned and tabulated range of actions with discipline, it will get you to your goal. And I've cleared more than 90% of my bucket list in my life following this philosophy. Controlling all the things I can control to get me there.
But this is one part about life that always "despondent" me, because, I feel like, there is nothing I can do to for sure make it 100% happen for me. I can only keep looking at various possible places, meet as many people as possible strategically, but it does not guarantee any success at all.
This search for THE soulmate, the one who belongs to me and I belong to him, is like seriously, so close to impossible to be sure I will ever find him.
But I guess, as long as I am still breathing, I will keep looking.
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Trying to turn a vanilla into a dominant is hard like hell!
It's either innate or it's not, but I still hope..... |
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Today is one of those days where I need to remind myself how already lucky I already am, to have experienced most of what I want to experienced and be grateful for it and the fantastic memories.
It is finding someone who wants to do those things over and over again without getting bored that is difficult.
But if there is a will, there is a way. I will keep looking for the "one". |
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Submission, is it a gift or not?
It seems trendy these days for people in bdsm to play down the act of submission, saying that, it's no big deal. I think they are comparing it to vanilla relationship, where if a woman give you her love in a vanilla relationship, it should be no different from a woman giving her your submission, blah blah blah , along the lines of that. By saying submission is a gift is in no way trivializing the love of a vanilla woman.
Anybody giving me his love is a gift! So whether vanilla or not, it's a gift, someone giving themselves to me would be a gift. To me, submission is a gift of my love as well. I can't submit to anybody I do not love.
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My Bucket Lists, as per asked in the forum
1) My own family and children
2) Sky Diving
3) Snow Boarding
4) Cliff Jumping
5) Rock Climbing on real Cliffs anywhere, where I can drop in the sea if I fall
6) Distance Skating on Ice in Canada
7) Swimming with Orcas in New Zealand
8) Swimming with Whale Sharks in Western Australia
9) Shark diving in South Africa
10) Inline skating inside Bobsleigh track of the City of Altenberg, Germany
I would say in no particular order, at the moment, number 1 is most important to me, but from 2 to 10 is in no particular order, and at this moment, the next bucket list I am most eager to clear in the near future is number 10 except I need to do more research if it's only open to pro-skaters. |
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Does this actually work with any sub at all, like seriously? Is this guy for real?
Hi i master *beep* and i Want you have As my milkcow,sub,maid,slave,pig,Dog,daily toilet,whore,Playtoy,doormat,footstool,Feet and assholelicker and more send me pics from you Slave and your email id. a slave must wear for me nylonstockings garter bellts suspender 7 inchs highheels or 7 inch highheelpantolette with small heel and no anymore bra and panties *beep left email contact beep* i love slaves to pain tits and cunts,slape whip cunts and bosom,i love to sit on slaves face, and a slave must ever clear lick my feets and between my toes with here tongue
Okay, to be fair, he said only one positive thing. I think he meant, I will not be allowed to wear anymore bras or panties. Woo Hoo, fine with me! Bras are torture devices made to torment female breasts. I am more than happy to ditch that shit! And who needs panties!
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I read a view from a submissive female that a dom should only reveal what he feels comfortable in revealing.
Again..., I'm talking about developing a serious relationship situation.
Something rubs me wrong about that.
It feels like a very mothering and nurturing position for a woman to take on an alpha dominant male.
Like, "Oh you poor child, don't have to tell me everything if it makes you uncomfortable, just tell me what you are comfortable in telling me. "
I just feel more submissive towards someone who is secure, confident and innately strong. Not feel motherly towards his sensitivities. I mean, should he be taking care of me, or I be taking care of him? Who's wearing the pants here?
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I have a very strong opinion on transparency. Well I have a very strong opinion on everything har har.
I can't imagine being in a full time live in D/S relationship and have the dom say something stupid like, "I keep my emotions in check", when it comes to bringing up the issue of lack of affection in the relationship.
Also, doms who expect transparency from their subs but does not want to return the transparency? Because that helps them retain more control, let the sub expose herself, but his not exposing himself as he fears vulnerability towards her. I say, coward! If somebody already bare her soul to you, and you withhold your own from her, you're just a freaking coward, and she's stronger than you because she's brave enough to show you everything, and give you the power to hurt her.
Don't understand it at all, does not make sense. Don't know why any other subs would put up with any less than transparent relationship.
How can anybody possibly trust anybody who is being dodgy and hiding things? It would drive me nuts, what the hell is he hiding? What skeletons he has that his soooo afraid to tell me?
Just my opinion of the day. And this is referring to if you're already at the stage of 24/7 and living together. Sure casual D/S, doesn't matter.
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Someone in the forum commented that the vagina hole is the most boring part of a female's body for a man to insert his penis in.
Mouth or Anal is far superior to the Vagina in terms of feel and complexity of the feeling.
I wonder how many men out there actually really feel this way? Does this mean intelligent design fucked up? God fucked up? Like OMG, most men actually hates fucking the vagina? And does it not because they enjoy it, but just because they think the woman enjoys it?
What a revelation?
My new preferences to add list is to find a man who genuinely and truly and honestly from the bottom of his heart enjoys fucking vaginas. |
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Why do I keep meeting men I really like that set the bar so high but are not meant for me, that it's hard connecting with anything less.
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Note to Self! You can't put a big tub of chopped garlic near your chocolates in your fridge! OMG, the chocolate is ruin!! It taste like garlic filled chocolate with every bite. Gross!
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Brilliant Piece of Advice! By ExiledTyrant
I've said on this forum, OFTEN, that men have to seduce the girls mind and her body will follow. Men are pretty easy, show up and have a pulse and they're good to go. However, we have to seduce your mind. We have to paint a scenerio that you can relate to and see yourself in. A scenerio that makes you feel wanted, smoking hot, appreciated, and as a very desirable sexual being that we want to FUCK so bad we can taste it. Coming right out and saying how bad we want to fuck you is off putting, so we have to ellude to it. We have to paint the picture well enough that you think shucking those panties was your idea. Knowing that we have to mentally stimulate you to the point that you are hell bent and shucking those panties is a very small step away from stimulating your mind to orgasm. Trust is required, but for a girl to tune in to her body and mind to the point she can orgasm via an act that brings her pleasure, such as sucking cock, is not a far stretch once we understand the origin of pleasure and that we are wired to respond physically to what we like mentally.
I approve of this message! :) |
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Halter6's daily abusive messages to me.
You stupid piece of shit. You and your useless slaveholes should be controlled and managed permanently online!
I guess poor dude gotta do this to wank himself and get off. |
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I got educated that split personality is a real psychological condition that people suffer from like I'm an idiot who didn't know that!
For those who are really that thick and don't understand anything I am saying in my previous journal.
Please read the part where the ability to control his split personality is essential.
The fact that I can just say in the middle of play, "I want my boyfriend now." And no matter how deep into the whole thing he was, he would just stop and change, clearly is a person who has alot of control.
If someone cannot control their split personalities, then sure, it's a medical mental problem but that's not what I'm looking for.
I didn't want to say, "wear different hats", to me, it's different. I think it has to be innately in your personality, inside you, to be these 2 different people.
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The importance of split personality in humiliation play is very important.
If I were to crawl, kneel, have humiliating words scrawn on me, get dick slapped around, called whore, cum-bucket, cumslut, etc etc, basically go into degradation play.
When play mode ends, the dom needs to change into the most loving, caring, polite, and kind and respectful vanilla man who adores the floor you walk on.
This split personality is extremely essential.
A vanilla said to me, I'm looking for a person with such 2 extreme personalities. Nobody is like that. But I am like that. I also have split personality. My vanilla personality is very dominant and confident, but my submissive personality is timid and just wanting to please.
My x-dom and I had a very clear 2 modes that we live in. Master mode and Boyfriend mode. If his Master mode was getting way too mean and it was getting to me, I simply need to cry out that I need my boyfriend now, he snaps out of it and cuddles me, and we do vanilla things like just pop in a movie and cuddle and watch together while he strokes me. Of course this doesn't happen often, when his boyfriend mode, his super loving, and it makes me feel secure enough in his love, to take all the humiliation and degradation he dishes.
It was very healthy for me. And it makes me feel safe, his always in control and can zoom in and out whenever he wants. |
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Dear Gawd,
If you exist.
Send me a man whom I can tell him, "Oh my gawd! You drained the life out of me!"
If he could make me beg him to stop, and tell him please no more!
That would be great!
Thank you!
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You stupid piece of shit. You and your useless slaveholes should be controlled and managed permanently online! Are you absolute and loyal enough ?
- halter6-
Lol!! Loyal and absolute to this dude? Never! Lol! Definitely be fucking other men instead of him.
BTW, that was his very first nice greeting message to me. That's the whole thing, I didn't cut out anything.
Curious if he actually gets laid talking like that.
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I like this fun thread in the forum about our perfect dream man!
So anyway, here is my wish list that I wrote in there, and of course no man on this earth is gonna fulfill my ridiculous list. But a girl can just have her fantasy right?
1) Tall, heavy, big, Athletic
2) Big forearms and huge thighs and calves and big butt
3) Can read my mind, is totally psychic with me sexually and mentally and in bdsm of course
4) Likes everything I like, dislike everything I dislike
5) Understands me
6) I understand him
7) Honest, Straightforward like me
8) Love to cuddle and hug
9) Love to use me as his bolster when he sleeps
10) Needs me like I will need him
11) Someone who will always put me as Number 1 as he will be mine
12) A sense of humour that syncs with me
13) Great communicator
14) Outspoken and Confident
15) Physically affectionate
16) Very diplomatic with great emotional quotient
17) A manly man who treats a woman like a woman who needs to be cared for and protected
18) Good Hygiene practices
19) Kind
20) No temper, always in control and objective
21) Needs sex 3 times a day like I do
22) Black or Dark Brown Hair, kinda super important |
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I was down about that dude but today! I'm over it!
Gorgeous day! Gonna be a great weekend for me!
And everything happens for a reason! Ditch the wrong ones, and have room for the right ones to come into my life! :)
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A dom whom I am talking regularly to, not from this site, is anyway, dumping his sub, because, he took a vanilla girl he met during a work function, and trained her to be submissive, got her to do some extreme things, things I would never do, young girl by the way, I don't think she's 20 yet. His of course like at least more than 20 years older.
Point is, what he shared with me, he only enjoys the training process, but once they are fully trained and completely mindlessly obedient, he gets bored of them, and needs a new challenge.
Also, I find a few things rather fishy, my conversation with him is rather weird, I think on a certain level, I am his new "challenge", as he would usually say something, and I usually would totally disagree with it, and then he'll claim what I said is exactly what he means his into. Just too incredulous to me. Most of the time, the link is a huge jump.
An example is, I said I don't need mental connection to have great sex, and by great sex, I mean vanilla sex. He said he needed mental connection to have great sex. And I said, I don't need it, infact, alot of my best bed mate didn't involve much connection mentally outside of the bedroom. Whereas I could mentally connect with somebody perfectly but completely not get along with him in the bedroom. For me, sexual chemistry and mental chemistry is 2 different things, like love and sex are two clear distinct different things. And then eventually he said, what he meant was mental connection is sexual connection, that he needs sexual connection.
And when I asked him about how could he take a teenage kink virgin, get her addicted to him and then just decide she's not good enough for him anymore? After mind fucking her to this extent? And then he claims his gonna pass her off to another dom who is his friend. He'll start putting them together and let them get to know each other.
Basically, things just come out of thin air.
And he says she and him has the perfect sexual connection, and the d/s is incredible or whatever, then why the fuck is he dumping her off to someone else? Then he claim, he wants somebody he can mentally connect with and she's too immature. I'm just thinking, what the hell does he expect at her age?
Seriously!! Sometimes, there is just so much bullshit in all of this! And I just feel sorry for that poor girl. I hope the dom his foisting her on, is gonna be someone more permanent for her if they did build a connection.
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So it occurs to me that I became very upset with someone because I really liked that someone and was just very disappointed that his not handling things in a way where it would make peace with me.
Not from lack of trying, but perhaps, it bothers me that even the apology seem under-hand laden dripping with something else, a whole new side of him that he has kept hidden is emerging, and I just do not like this part of him as it's also a little, overbearing is not the right word, you know when people apologize for the sake of apologizing, not because he really gets what his apologizing for, it's like a sarcastic apology although it's not obviously sarcastic. He knows I am upset but despite explaining to him what I am upset about, he does not get it, he is having the completely wrong conclusion. And I have explained myself, if he still don't get it, then he'll never get it!
I mean, usually..., I'm like whatever and move on. So we found out we can't get along.
But at some point of time while interacting regularly with him, at some point of time, I did say to myself that I wanted him to be my friend for a long time to come. What I liked about him is his ability to contribute significantly to conversations. He is like me, he has an opinion about everything and his as articulate, if not more articulate than me at bringing across what he thinks about anything, I never get one liners from him. I just like articulate men who can express himself very well. And his an amazing writer.
I didn't want him to be a come and go person.
I don't usually feel this way, I usually just expect the come and go things and don't feel anything about it.
When I told him about how he made me feel, he trivialized everything to me being over-dramatic, which trust me, is just making me angrier.
I'm just happy my best friend is coming to town end of this week! It's good to be in company who will never trivialize my feelings. And just being around loving company. I am trying to think of the last disagreement I ever had with my best friend. I don't know, his from another universe, that's all I can say, because he always understands exactly what I am saying. He knows me so well, although because I am the blunt and honest type, I will spell it out why I am upset and what I am upset about, I'm not the type who will keep you ignorant about what I'm upset about and expect you to read my mind but before I reach that stage, he'd already figure out that I am upset and do damage control, like re-explain himself what he meant when he said that, telling me not to misunderstand, and does a pretty good explanation of that. That's pretty incredible of him really. Mutual understanding is just the most beautiful thing to have with someone. I wish I had that with more people, that type of connection. My best friend if he was in this position of him, he would tell me everything is okay and cool, don't worry and stress about it, and then move on to talk about something awesome we were gonna do together to cheer me up. He wouldn't let me feel this bad. But I guess that's why his my best friend. But he wouldn't ever lose his temper at me in the first place as well, and he wouldn't call my explanation of how he made me feel, dramatizing everything, he would simply say, that's not his intention, everything's okay, don't worry. He wouldn't make things worst. I can't wait for this weekend to be here, I need a hug from him!
And the whole point is, people will trivialize my feelings, usually I don't care and expect them to do it, I just don't bother with them. Why the hell am I caring so much that this dude did? Perhaps I thought better of him than he really was. And what I mean by "better" is that, I thought we connected on another level. But just disappointed to find out that our personalities clashes with each other. I don't think his a bad person, I just think, we don't have harmony anymore.
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Passive Aggressive.
That's what the problem is.
His dripping with it!
Not suitable for me, right decision, my gut has been screaming uneasiness at his reactions.
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I saw this on a Dom's profile.
Sometimes you see something that articulates more clearly than yourself about what you are looking for, just gotta post it!
This describes me perfectly!
"wish to be controlled and have their deepest fetishes or fantasies fulfilled repeatedly, whether it's to be tied up, aggressively handled, spanked, teased or pleasured... " |
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Today, I just feel very sad and disappointed that someone I had a nice connection with has made me very very uncomfortable with him.
While he has apologized, but end of the day, I guess, he just wasn't the calm and good tempered person he claimed to be.
People can claim alot of things to me, but I always judge them by their actions rather than whatever they claim.
He is not, and maybe if he is, then maybe I pressed his button and make him behaved unusually agitated. Then I guess..., we're not compatible anyway.
Compatibility is one of those intangible things. You could be with someone whom you are always in perfect harmony with, just naturally, without effort. Or you can be with somebody who walks on eggshells with you because everything he or she does can set you off.
I don't want to be in the company of anybody that makes me feel anxiety, no matter how much I like that person.
And it is what it is sometimes. Just another disappointment, but they say, you can't appreciate when something really good lands on your lap if you have not experience all the bad right?
I do have somebody really good to me in my life. I've known him for nearly 2 years. He comes into town to hang out with me about 6 times a year. I hope I never lose him. But our chemistry is just great, we both are undemanding of each other, and our ways just work for each other. I really love having mutual understanding with somebody and that's what I have with him. Truly mutual understanding. It's not romantic though, but just a really good friendship to have. His practically my best friend that I can share anything with, even woman stuffs, like complaining about my period, poor guy got to hear all the yucky details. His also the most good tempered and gentle human being I ever known in my life, even when I fucked up so bad and he never once blamed me or got mad at me, he even comforted me and told me not to worry, it's all okay. His the kindest person in the universe to me ever. He treats me like a gentle woman who needs gentle and kind treatment, I really needed that. And just as I finish writing today's journal, he sent me an email that made me smile! I was just telling him that reading what Muslim apologists are saying is making me mad!!, and he simply replied, "Idiots...."
I was feeling like I'm in twilight zone at the moment, it's nice to have someone who gets it!
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On-going conversations with a Muslim in collarspace by the way!
He justified that a man needs 4 wives, so that he can stay faithful right? As one wife can't satisfy him sexually?
I explain to him, that men has limited ability to keep cumming. Maybe the best of them can do it 10 times a day? And that's being very generous, most men I know can maybe do 2 or 3 times.
But women has the capacity to cum more than 100 times a day, and clearly going by his logic, one man would definitely not be enough for a woman, as he'll be burnt out before she's satisfied, so Islam needs to start shifting their rules and allow women to have 4 husbands!
But his called me an animal after I said this lol. He said animals only eat and have sex, humans should have the ability to have more control! Of course his English is so hard to read that I am paraphrasing what his saying in a clearer manner.
And I said it back to him, then why Muslim men got to behave like animals and needing 4 wives to fulfill his sexual needs? Shouldn't they have more control?
Anyway! His not improving my impression of his religion by one bit!
Lol, basically, I am just a dumb animal who just cares about sex now. Lolololol! Please if you're Muslim and you believe in your 4 wives crap, don't talk to me. |
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Okay, I have to share this because it's so funny. I know this dude believes in what he believes in because his Muslim, and again, this is why I don't date Muslim men.
I believe his words speak for itself, the mentality they have.
The Onley regional on earth tell u marry one n can u tell me how many people cheat in marriage cuz them wife's not satisfy them men needs ? Alot and can u tell me how many woman compare with men ! The woman's if all men marry only one there will be alot of woman's didnt marry n believe me there is bad ppl treat them wife bad n marry 3 n 4 but they not good enough to all of them n allah will judge him over this cuz in Holly quran said u can't be fair with all of them so one is enough but there is ppl do all they can do for all of his wife's n each one lives like queen
My translation, basically, men needs to take 4 wives, because too many poor women will never end up with men as there are not enough men for all the women in this world. And men also needs 4 wives because so many men who have 1 wife cheats because their 1 wife is not enough to satisfy his sexual desires.
LOL! If I convert to Islam, can I please have 4 husbands?? Please please please! I think 1 husband is not enough to satisfy my sexual desire too! |
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Somebody ask me today why is my hard limit Islam?
In my country, if I marry a Muslim, I will be forced against my will to convert into Islam or the law will not allow us to get married.
In my country, Muslims can still legally take 4 wives.
And I simply do not like a man who willingly or unwillingly chooses a religion that has a holy book with black and white instructions on how to discipline his wife, INCLUDING refusal of having sex with her to punish her, and the debatable beating her or "tapping" her as punishment.
I will leave this man very fast if he stops ever having sex with me or ever hit or tap me in punishment.
So no way, Muslim men, stay away. You can never justify to me why you support a religion that teaches these things and forbids freedom of religion. And I will always feel unsafe with you, knowing the kind of belief system that you support. |
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What would really make me connect with a dom is easy going transparency.
If I feel his open, comfortable, transparent, answers questions easily, openly.
After all, I answer questions very candidly as well. And I guess you are just looking for someone like you.
Don't like these question dodging crap or dodgy answers which doesn't really answer the question. Which is basically what I get 99.9% on here! |
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:( I am never talking politics again! Ha! Oh gosh, people get so agitated when you aren't on their camp.
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This whole BDSM world is full of judgemental bullshit.
One dom said that if a sub refuses to give up her limits for her dom, she is a selfish, mentally damaged woman, and he does not want a sub who is mentally and emotionally damaged.
While there are subs who loves doms who pushes her limits and wants to always feel out of her comfort zone.
And subs, like myself, who HATES doms who pushes my limits. They are limits because I do not enjoy it. And I think the dom does not care about me if he wants to make me do things I don't like.
End of the day, just find one that likes all the same things as you.
There is no right or wrong answer.
I'd have to be with a dom who takes limits seriously and does not trespass them. Those are rare, and most of the doms on collarspace itself is all about enjoying pushing limits.
Making having limits a joke really.
And I think it's sad when a sub has to ask if it's normal for a sub to allow a dom to trespass her limits, as that was what her dom told her.
What an asshole!
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I have abandonment issues and it's not resolved.
Everyone whom I ever loved or whom I believed loved me, or who are suppose to love me, have always abandoned me when I needed them, it started from my parents. Although they did not abandon me the traditional way, as in like throw you to the orphanage or out to starve on the streets or something. I had roof, clothes, food, so kudos to them for taking care of the basics although they always reminded me that they did not have to. But they were just never there, and they were never on my side. I grew up feeling like they were always on enemy camp, and kinda celebrate with glee when bad things happen to me, there was always this disdain towards me, even as a child, I mean as young as 7 or 8 years old, I felt it. And as a teenager and an adult, I confirmed it. And then the cycle seem to continue with BFFs, you know you'll always have best girlfriends, and they love you when you are strong and leave you when you are at your weakest. Men, pretty much the same throughout my life.
I got to admit that the only person who always loved me unconditionally and been there when I needed him most was my baby brother. So I do have one person in my life who's never left. But with him, it's very different because I have a very close bond with him. I am almost more like his mom rather than a sister, because I practically was the person who took care of him since baby and was emotionally there for him. It's like a child usually just love their parent unconditionally right? I'm the first person my bro would go to before he'll go to his real parents for anything private, personal, because I was the one there for him throughout his growing up years. So that kinda doesn't count.
I was connecting really well with someone over the last 2 weeks, I shared with him alot of deep personal stuffs I couldn't share with anybody else, I really enjoy talking to him that I feel like I just want him to be somebody permanent in my life, even as just as a friend, and I forgot I lied about my age. I claim to be 2 years older than I really was. Hell, it's just 2 years difference right? What's the big deal? It's not malicious! Actually it started with him saying that he doesn't date woman below a certain age, and then I said I was below that age.
Man he went cold.
And although it was my fault for saying a fake age in the first place, but I had hope it would be forgivable.
But as I write this, he has assured me that everything is fine and he is not angry. I am so relieved! I can't bear to lose this new friend whom I've became so close with.
But this is my abandonment issues, I get alot of anxiety when I think people I care about is mad at me, and because they are mad, they are gonna leave for good.
I expect them to leave and brace myself to lose them, even over such tiny issues.
That's why I cannot be with someone who deal with things by screaming or yelling or going on cold wars with me. I would get really distress if I cared for that person. I need someone calm and reasonable, and good at communication if a person is upset with me and talk to me about it. |
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BDSM was something that brought me alot of joy when I met the one I mesh with. It's harmless, and it just "vibrantise" your entire world.
But it's also a lifestyle that makes you live in alot of fear, something beautiful and meaningful to you has to be a skeleton in your closet, something you hide from all your friends and family.
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I honestly do not understand punishment dynamics, because I don't understand why would someone who loves and cherish me want to punish me? I find punishment something very spiteful and unloving. I never believe that punishment is for my own good, I think it's just a lie that a person makes up to justify why he or she gets the right to punish you.
This came up because the topic of punishment dynamic was brought up in a conversation I had with a dom.
And I thought it's useful to share my idea of how a non-punishment dynamic work. This isn't a fabric of my imagination of how it works. I've lived and breathe it with someone I loved very much.
This is what I said:
Spanking and humiliation to me, is for the dom to do it, because it brings him pleasure. It has nothing to do with punishment. He does it because he finds it pleasurable to do so. And I take it because it pleases him and what pleases him, pleases me. It's that simple. No punishment, I see it as a loving relationship where I understand his dark desires and accommodate to them because he loves it and I'm happy to quench what he needs.
I think if I did something that displeases the dom, it should be communicated to me in a civil discussion calmly and then come to some kind of compromise or resolution that we both can agree on, outside of play like two equal adults.
When in play, if he owns me, he can do whatever he wants to me, so if he wants to spank, he spanks, he does not need a reason to do so, I do not have to commit any offense for him to do so, he spanks me simply because he owns that ass and can do so.
If he chooses to humiliate me, it's because it brings him pleasure to do so, and that's what I am there for, to satisfy his desires.
In play, that's the kind of dynamic I'm into.
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It seems to be the new trend of BDSM'ers in more hardcore relationships to denounced the TERM Safe, Sane and Consensual (SSC) in bdsm, and prefers to go by PRICK (Personal Responsibility in Consensual Kink).
I think PRICK is a cop out for Doms who wants to play with a sub but not want to be held responsible for her safety if he fucks up and cause harm to her.
Also, it's interesting to read that the idea of PRICK is to encourage subs never to trust their dom, question everything they say, do personal research to double check if what he says is true, about whether doing these stuffs is safe or not. Basically...., to me...., BDSM is about trust, if you gotta question so much about what his doing and not trust everything, then..., OMG. It's gonna be A miserable relationship. I rather choose someone who I know will never do anything to cause harm to me, as simple as that. I never once fear my physical safety with my x-dom, whatever he does, I know I can trust him 101%. Because his SSC and a strong advocate of it.
So I definitely want a Dom who only believes in SSC.
Safe - Will not do anything to harm me or that he knows will put me in danger or harm's way
Sane - Has very good control of himself, a good dom should be able to control himself before he control others, people go insane when they lose control
Consensual - He must always only do things that are mutually consensual |
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I feel super good about my decision.
And I am thanking myself for doing the right thing.
Just gonna enjoy and be grateful for whatever comes my way and all the great people I already have in my life currently.
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I have to honestly say that, I don't understand Doms and one liners.
I mean, a Dom shouldn't be shy right?
Okay, maybe they can be, but I don't want a shy dom.
I'd like someone who knows how to start a conversation, lead the conversation and keep it flowing and interesting. You're the dom, take charge!
Please don't message me one liners, I am so not gonna reply! It tells me nothing about you. I write so much in my profiles and my journals, surely you can make some comments about it to me, tell me your opinion, for example, whether you agree or disagree, does not matter. Just show me you have a personality.
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Good Riddance.
So close to walking into another big mistake.
It's all about suffer pain now rather than delay the inevitable and suffer later.
I'm just disappointed that yet again, my gut and instinct was right.
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So, I had a man. Physically gorgeous to me, is into BDSM, is a dominant, knows and accepts all my kinks and all my limitations, in the same age bracket as me, who thinks I'm physically perfect to him too, and is stable, secure, financially sound and possibly loyal, although I am not sure about that one to be honest. Point is, he proposed marriage to me. We known each other for a year. And yes, we have sexually dabbled only to find ourselves completely sexually incompatible. His kinks differs from mine, but he suggested we work around that with an open marriage. He wanted children, family. Technically on the surface, there is alot of Pros. And I'm open to open marriages if there is a deep emotional and mental connection, but lacking in physical connection.
And you know what?
I threw all that potential away, really refusing to see him anymore and told him we are not compatible because, just because..., I feel...., he doesn't understand me. I feel, he doesn't get me. I mean technically anybody into bdsm is kinda accepting of other bdsm folks right? Because we're both into it. But bdsm is only a tiny part of me. And I feel that's the only part he sees in me.
And I guess..., I wish, and I really wish, I felt more mentally connected with him, then everything would be perfect, but there was just this whole huge void of mental connection. Our only bond seem to only be our interests in bdsm, and we're not even into the same things in bdsm.
And I wish, he tried to understand me more, I wish he was someone who genuinely liked me for me. He just don't understand anything, even though I am blunt and straight forward and I don't even expect him to read my mind, he still don't understand anything I am saying most of the time.
And that's why, I had to say no, but I feel sad, because we were kindred spirits in a tiny tiny way as we are both very lonely folks in the bdsm world with not much people to share our kinks with.
I was the first woman he could be open about with what's his into and I never blinked or feel shock but simply was supportive.
I hurt him, I was nasty, and I was angry and he'll probably never talk to me ever again. And I could not apologize as I still feel kinda angry. I felt like the same child I used to be, my reaction was immature. I felt like after he proposed, things could never be same again between us. And I lost a friend that I think best stayed a friend, I enjoyed alot of our bdsm discussions.
I wish all this could be different. I wish he genuinely loved me for me and I could be happy with him. But it's just not the case, I just didn't feel "loved" or "liked" for the right reasons. And I was angry about that. That he would consider marriage on such frivolous grounds.
The picture I post of my ass, was his idea, his design, taken by him. He bought that dress and the beautiful underwear beneath, it was his vision to show me how beautiful and perfect he felt my ass was to him. If there was one thing wonderful about him, he always made me felt like physical perfection in his eyes. And that picture is one of the best gift he gave me, as I absolutely love it!
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Right decisions are often one of the hardest decisions to make. It's always so much easier to choose the easier way. |
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What if somebody was offering what you desire but it's not exactly what you hoped for?
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I simply cannot deal with people I care about who are upset about something and won't tell me what's wrong, so that I can fix the problem or make amends if I did step on their toes!
They drive me nuts! And I honestly hate dealing with people like that who cannot be open! And it's stupid to stay angry and upset about something rather than give the person a genuine chance to address or fix the issue.
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I've never reached sexual satisfaction in my life. That is the truth.
I can cum and have loads of convulsion continuously like a billion times for hours and hours and I still can't get sated. I woke up super early this morning, so I can have 3 extra hours of orgasms that I'm giving myself with my toys, and I'm not satisfied, annoyed I don't have more time to play and gotta go to work. And tonight, I'm meeting my regular fuck buddy, so I guess I'm just warming up to that.
How do women know when they are sexually satisfied? How can it ever be enough? The orgasmic feelings are sooo addictive, how can one ever get sick of it? All I can do, is think, that's all for today, continue another day lol, but never like, I got enough for today, it's always, ran out of time today, gotta postpone to continue another day.
I mean, brains goes mash and you feel like your spirit is jumping out of your body, and you are in complete ecstasy! It feels like what being in heaven is suppose to feel like. A whole body experience and you're just engulf in another universe that is paradise.
Okay..., I am just an orgasm addict!
And I admit, I have to go cold turkey sometimes to get away from the addiction. I've never had drugs in my life, not even cigarettes. But I have always wondered if drugs took people to the same kind of pleasure heights orgasms can take you.
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I was having a very frustrating debate with a submissive woman that she identifies as a slave because she describes her consensual slavery to be exactly the dictionary definition of "slave". And she says, because she's a slave to her master, using the definition of, "I'm a slave to my television" as the reference to that word, thus she sees herself as a slave. And frankly, I don't give a damn what everybody's personal definition of a slave is, and I expect everybody's personal definition to be different, and usually, I just go along with whatever they say, but when she claim HER definition is derived from dictionary definition, that raised my eyebrows.
Anyway, later on, I realise, why the hell am I even arguing with her about that? When her dom stepped in and started defending her definition, I realised that the poor woman was just taught by her dom that, THAT is the definition. So of course she's just following whatever he says it is.
And I felt bad about giving her a hard time, because it was NOT her own opinion but the opinion HER dom wants her to have. And I did apologise to her. I don't like giving innocent people a hard time. Her dom should've just stepped in alot earlier and said, that is the definition he instructed her to have, and well, it's like whatever, that's what domly powers are, whatever he says it is, it is! I wouldn't have bothered to challenge her definition at all, because she's just being a good submissive and obeying her dom.
But I am honestly sick of bdsm people stigmatizing words like, "role play". Because as far as I'm concern, consensual slavery is not real slavery. Below definition is what slavery really means and none of those are consensual.
I know we want this lifestyle to be as real as possible, but do we have to take it to religious proportions where, it's like Christian history ignoring scientific evidence?
Slavery on wikipedia
Slavery is a system under which people are treated as property
to be bought and sold, and are forced to work
.[1]
Slaves can be held against their will from the time of their capture, purchase or birth, and deprived of the right to leave, to refuse to work
, or to demand compensation
. Historically, slavery was institutionally recognized by most societies; in more recent times, slavery has been outlawed in all countries, but it continues through the practices of debt bondage
, indentured servitude
, serfdom
, domestic servants
kept in captivity, certain adoptions
in which children are forced to work as slaves, child soldiers
, and forced marriage
.[2]
Slavery is officially illegal in all countries
, but there are still an estimated 20 million to 30 million slaves worldwide.[3]
[4]
Mauritania
was the last jurisdiction to officially outlaw slavery (in 1981/2007), but about 10% to 20% of its population is estimated to live in slavery.
Dictionary Definition of a Slave
1. (Law) a person legally owned by another and having no freedom of action or right to property
Oh and by the way, her dom attempted to insult me by saying that what I am seeking for is a Con-Man and not a real Dom, because my submission has to be inspired. It was such a ludicrous insult that I could only laugh, and ask him to please find me my con-man, I would thank him if he finds this con-man for me, because I can't seem to find him!
His slave by the way, might be the wet dreams of many doms, because by her own admission, she is born and nurtured to serve, service and be submissive towards everybody. That she is taught from a child that she is useless if she does not make herself useful to everybody around her and cater to whatever their needs are. Because of this, she was also a victim of rape and has alot of disdain for rape plays. It sounds like child abuse to me, but her upbringing mentally groomed her to such a severe extent that she literally has to fight very hard against her natural nature of submitting to everybody just to protect herself. So Yea, she is what you call, a pure submissive, and any man could get submission out of a pure submissive right? Which is not a problem at all too, because if that's their wet dream, that's their wet dream. Everybody deserves to have their ideal mate.
But I fail to see how "conning" is the only way to inspire a woman's submission, if she's not naturally submissive to everybody.
So a man capable of inspiring a very difficult woman to co-operate and serve him obediently is apparently a fake dom??? I'm stumped! That's really an impressive deduction, and I sincerely hope he would share with me his thought process of how he reached that type of conclusion to weigh if a dom is a real dom or not. Because apparently, his THE real dom. So he would know!
And while she's speaks with disdain of Master and Slaves who role play their M/S relationships, while she apparently practices the true dictionary meaning of it, she speaks with disdain against rape play. At least rape play folks don't claim it's real rape but acknowledge it's just play.
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Two Meanings of Consensual Non-Consensual.
I will go with Meaning Number 1, which is what alot of Doms misinterprete when I say I love Consensual Non-Consensual.
So, Doms here thinks that Consensual Non-Consensual means that I enjoy being a no-limit slave. I give one over-all one time consent to consent to whatever he wants to do to me for the rest of my life, giving up my free will and free choice and completely basically signing over my right to anything about my own life over to him.
THAT IS SOO NOT WHAT I MEAN!!!
Meaning Number 2, which is what those words means to me.
Specific Non-Consensual Plays that requires consent from me for it to happen! That means that for every single Non-Consensual Act that you want to do, it requires my approval for it to happen. In another words, you can't do anything that I'm not cool with!
Hope that makes it clear!
And let me explain why! This isn't about control from my end but about fear. Do I want to be a real slave? No. Do I really want to be raped? No. I need a safe environment to play out those roles, but if I really wanted real slavery, I'd auction myself in some illegal slavery ring. And if I wanted real rape, I guess dress skanky in South Africa walking around in the most dangerous areas in the middle of the night. I can get all those. I don't need a Dom to do all that! Real Slavery and Real Rape is super easy to get myself into!
The purpose of the Dom is to allow me to enjoy those things in a safe environment where I know I will be safe with him and so that it's not real, but safe.
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I'm so fucking sick of men always trying to trespass my limits.
Pushing and pushing and pushing, fucking annoying.
In a way, it's really just been dishonesty after dishonesty, especially when I often have the take it or leave it attitude, and I'm so upfront about everything, that this is where I am at and this is the distance I wish to go and no further than these parameters.
And they fucking agree to it and say everything is compatible, until it progresses, and then, suddenly, they keep pushing for me to cross my line.
But I told them from day one I will never cross my line and it's something they gotta respect and accept.
Like fuckin' dishonest annoying douchebags! Why are they wasting my time lying they could accept what they could not accept.
Go for women who likes everything you like, and don't lead me on to bullshit. |
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I am very clear about what qualities I seek, and it's very specific, and maybe what I want may never exist for me again. But I've at least tasted and experienced and lived a near perfect D/S relationship, living with him, for a good near 3 years of my life and through that amazing experience, I have absolute clarity about what I seek, tasted paradise and heaven, and I know it's not going to be easy to find the right one who makes me feel as submissive and safe and secure and well taken care of as him again. And I accept that. If it happens, then I'll be really lucky. If I never find him or he never finds me, then it's just not my fate to be with my true Master, one who really resonates with me. If I don't think you're the one then I don't think you're the one.
Then..., maybe in the next life or after life.
For doms who have spoken to me and disagreed with my method of selection, or even accused me to be fake, I'm not you and you are not me. You have your way and I have my way. I am also female who believe in my intuition about intangible aspects, just nuances of your personality through your writings that screams red flag to me, even though you seem nice. But usually how doms react to my feelings of the matter in the end, have always proven my instincts right, that we don't fit.
I seek Harmony, Ying and Yang with someone, if I sense alot of impending potential conflicts, I won't be up to moving it to real life meet as I don't feel the calmness and tranquility I seek.
It's that simple.
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RIP Robin Williams
It's weird that of all the movies you have made, Good Will Hunting was the one that stuck most and means alot to me. And also the other one, very profound, about you going to heaven and your wife in the movie going to hell for committing suicide or something, and you leaving heaven to find her in hell. It's called "What Dreams May Come", I *think*, I thought that was a boring movie, but I watched it because it represents a part of what I dislike about religion, the whole story-line could have been great. And was curious enough to see it. That's of course just a role that you were playing.
Anyway, what makes a well-loved successful comedian and actor, who seem so wholesome with a wife and children, be sooo unhappy and so discontent that you feel the need to end your life?
I wonder why were you so unhappy when it looks like you got so much?
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I just thought of a new criteria to add to my super long list.
He needs to be comfortable with having sex with me when I'm bleeding.
Men who are refusing women sex when they bleed, are depriving them of a certain level of experience that can only be achieved during bleeding stage, where there is enhance heighten sensitivity everywhere.
And I honestly get super duper grumpy if someone tells me he can't have sex with me because I'm bleeding. Hate That!
It's like, it's not my fault that I'm bleeding, I can't help it! |
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Here's my first non-bdsm related journal entry.
I was very drawn to the recent news about indigenous people of the amazon surfacing to city areas. And was really curious about it because, at first I was thinking, what is the big deal, they are curious and wanna explore life outside the forest, that's great!
I thought the article I read was not very clear on exactly what the situation is. And this is the situation.
These indigeneous people are being hunted down and shot down like wild animals by tree loggers. How it works in the Amazon Forest is that, if tree loggers want to buy the land so they can get to the trees, the land must not have indigenous folks living in it.
So in order not to have these indigenous folks living in it, they hunt them down and shoot them, poison them, even bring diseases to them intentionally to wipe them out to extinction.
I feel like mass genocide of these amazing self-sustaining humans are ridiculous! So that's why they are running further and further away from their homes, and heading out into the city. The worst thing is, being exposed to Urban people, or regular people like us is hazardess to them, as they have been living in purity of the rainforests all their lives in their own little bubble and their bodies never build up an immunity to survive even a simple household flu that we are used to. So contact with folks like us, can kill them as we all carry flu viruses that are toxic to them!!
On top of that, these people are self-sustaining! They are amazing, they just survive in the forest needing nothing, pure independence, hunt their own food, grow their own vegetables, drink rain water, build their own houses, I think we got more to learn from them than they do from us. That's like the best thing for most countries if all their citizens can do that! Less welfare needed. Yet they are gonna allow the destruction of their homes and their livelihood so that they can escape to the city just to become beggars on the streets, a burden to the country's welfare funds, that's just ridiculous.
I just feel disgust for the human race when you read about things like that, because, usually you hear about animals being hunted, their habitat being destroyed etc etc, and that is bad enough.
Now literally, they are doing this to our own kind too, fellow humans, hunted and shot down like game animals. And they are doing this to some of the most amazing humans that is able to live in a way where innocence is still there and what nature intended.
Not ashamed of their naked bodies, working together as a caring community and taking care of each other and raising families.
In a crazy way, I feel totally helpless at what's happening and I wish, there was something I could do that could make a difference in preserving these very special human beings.
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I am a very dominating person by nature. Yet I always felt unhappy and unnatural in my dominance, but it happens very naturally for me.
And lately, I have just been meeting doms who inspires the dominating nature of myself to rise up rather than inspiring the submission that I crave for.
But being dominant towards a man dampens my sexual excitement big time, and the more dominant I feel towards a man, the less interested I am in his attentions towards me.
It's an Aura and an Energy that either screams alpha male or beta male to me, and it's really intangible.
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Point to note, if I am a red flag for refusing to donate to your picture collection by sending you my picture, please do not contact me, as it's stated very clearly upfront on my profile that I do not send pictures.
Thank you, save both of us time wasting.
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Let's analyse these messages from a Dom:
His very first message
snarker you are?
My Response
And this affects you how?
His Response
agressive without reason you are. temper no good. better stay alone.
My interpretation
Frustrated dom who can't inspire any sub to follow him, thus gotta vent his frustration innocent lil me who never even said anything negative to him to start with. Love how he accuses me of aggression when his very first message was aggressive. What you give me, you will get back. This ain't no submissive who grovel at every self-proclaim dom thinking it's his God-given right to dictate how a submissive he DOES NOT OWN should behave.
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I find it very pretentious when people start talking about what's a real slave and what's a fake slave who is just interested in fantasy. Like seriously, the whole of BDSM, D/S IS one BIG fantasy, no matter how thoroughly, how immerse you are in it, it's fantasy.
I tell you what a real slave is. Volunteer yourself into a real slavery sex ring, let fate choose your master, let them auction you off, now..., that is real slavery! When you cannot choose.
When you exercise your choice to choose your perfect Master most suited to your orientation and kinks, who fulfills your every needs, please don't claim it's not fantasy. It's simply having the courage to live out your fantasy. It could be as a no-limit slave. It takes commitment and courage and really the passion to make it happen, but it is still a fantasy, but a fantasy that came true for you because you made it happen.
But it's not real. It's not real, because unlike real slaves, you can walk away from it anytime you want. The laws protect you. You want real slavery, marry a Saudi male and move to Saudi Arabia, have all your human rights stripped away from you for life, being unable to leave the country without your Master's permission to escape if you don't like him anymore, now, that's REAL SLAVERY.
Anybody sprout this holier than thou fantasy is not real D/S, blah blah blah, is really just being very hypocritical or illogical.
A true slave is slave because they do not have choices in life except the ones their masters allow them to have. If they chose their master, they are no longer a true slave, but a person role playing the role of a slave. It may be in a uber realistic setting, especially no limits slaves, but it's still role play and not real.
I know the problem with this is, some who feel like they breathe and live slavery, and saying their slavery is not real is trivializing it. But if we can all come back to reality, it's not real as just a matter of fact, but a choice of lifestyle. They chose to live a life similar to what a slave might live in if they had a good master who takes good care of them.
Most real slaves don't have nice Masters. Just saying! |
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I think in my life time, I have seriously met many men who experienced being with a sub who wants to go further than what they are willing to do. I mean subs who wants more terrible humiliation, more severe pain, and it becomes like a reverse thing happening, where the sub IS the one pushing the dom's limits.
That is just CRAZY!
Crazy because, on the other hand, I keep meeting doms who expressed interest in me BUT is only interested in trespassing my limits and not interested to abide by them. What are they doing even bothering to connect with me? There are all these female subs out there who are crying for their limits to be push beyond the brink, and these doms aren't somehow hooking up with them, but attempting to hook up with someone like me who states very clearly that I require all my limits strictly adhered to.
So it brings to me to A super major suspicion. If a sub wants her limits to be pushed, it's not fun for the dom anymore, because she's enjoying it too much and there is nothing he can do to intimidate her, because everything he does is too pussified for her as she's too hardcore, and she will keep challenging him be more scary, and do better, so they are actually afraid and too scared of such submissives because it makes them look weak, being unable to perform the act, but instead, subs like me with such a narrow range seem to be more fun for them, because they are actually trying to force me into doing things I DO NOT want to do or experience, and that feels more satisfying for them to force a woman to do something she's terrified of doing.
Sad states of affairs. Too bad I just get pissed off about it and everything becomes a red flag to me instantly. But it's just me, I just get irritated when people try to convince me to do what I do not want to do, especially when I have been very honest and clear upfront that I am not interested in those kinks.
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It never ceases to amaze me how doms in here, no matter what their age, young or old, comes in here and think that just because they gave themselves the title "doms", that the ultimate test of a true sub, is if she would just miraculously fall to her feet over him and have deep inner yearnings to obey him from the very first sentence he types to her, and because she's such an authentic and true sub, she will just naturally can't help herself but just behave that way!
OMG! I seriously need to meet some real doms who has experience in dealing with real women! These fantasy la la land ones are driving me crazy!
While I enjoy objectification, but seriously to go straight into that from first conversation is just telling me, you aren't interested in making any deep mental or emotional connection, you simply want an object that you could use which is not compatible with what I need in my D/S. The whole spiritual emotional mental connection that creates land of Nirvana. Blow Up Dolls works too! They don't talk back! Just need to get those remote control ones, so you don't have to do all the work too.
Then again....., of course you'll get real women who only wants to be objectified and be fuss free! Just that talking to me is simply looking at the wrong places.
So don't talk to me until you read my profile, my journals, and then tell me, why you think we could connect? Tell me something deep! Show me that you have substance!
I am tired of leading conversations with doms who can't hold a conversation. And I am tired of empty minded questions. Or one liners of nothing from someone who doesn't have anything interesting to say which leads me to believe again, I have to TAKE CHARGE to prod something out of that person, just to tell myself, maybe I'm wrong, there is something there. And that already makes me think you aren't very domly.
It reminds me of a date with a dom I met online not too long ago. He was nervous, uncomfortable, and I had to be the one calming him down, making him relax and feel comfortable, and keep conversation flowing, like WTF? Why can't he just be a man and a dom and just be confident and take charge! I know I come across as Alpha, the moment I detect weaknesses, I take charge and take over, but that is NOT what I want! I want a man to be a man! I want to stop wearing the pants. Can I just meet a man who can make me feel like a woman? That dom in question actually apologised to me in the end, and agreed that his behaviour was disgraceful as a dom, I should be the shy, panicky and nervous one, NOT HIM! He should be the one making me feel comfortable. But I guess this female alpha trump his "alphaness".
It's probably nobody's fault. It's all just lack of bombastic mental chemistry. That's the problem. Our brains don't get each other. Different panes! That's what it is!
But what made me fell for my x-dom was just how he mentally stimulated me from the very first interaction. And I've just failed to meet anyone since then, who really really arouses my brain, I mean alot of doms claim to enjoy orgasm control, but the ultimate orgasm control is the brain. That's how you can make a woman orgase on command without touching her! My x-dom did that! While his not God and he has many other flaws, but in understanding how to control a woman through her sexual desires was his number 1 talent. He had a knack for mental stimulation. And that was incredible for me. We just could not work because of conflict of certain differences in vanilla values that we could not agree on. Can't have everything perfect, but they were core values, so that was tough.
Patience, Patience, Patience dearly needed. I need dom-like patience.
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I've held onto old codes of honor
Like the captain to a sinking ship
The world moved on and rolled its eyes
But there are some things that are worse than dying
Its always been my way to over romanticize
Cuz when I was young I had a hard time
With what was real and fantasized
The world moved on and did its thing
And I tried and I tried
But could not stop being that boy
And nothing turned out quite like they told me
I will believe in dragons for as long as I run with dragons
While these bodies keep piling up
But there are some things that are worse than dying
-Bane- |
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One thing I have never experienced is being tied up suspended, and then have the wand vibrator used on me as well get slapped, whipped.
Bucket list of things! Although not sure how this is gonna happen, complicated set up. |
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I got asked today if I wanted to be a Queen sub. And his explanation of a Queen Sub relationship, is, and this is his exact quote:
A queen sub is one who me controls by pretending to relinquish all control but actually seeks out men that can be controlled by her and as such gets provision for both herself and her family by a man who is capable to provide but not intellectual enough or wise enough to truly understand the dynamic
And I just want to clarify that, this is absolutely NOT what I am seeking for. No way I can respect a person who is not intellectual or wise enough to understand the dynamic.
I seek someone whom I feel is so competent at being a dom, that I can trust him 100% with my life and relinquish all control to him, because I trust him to be smarter, wiser, and better at decision making than me. I trust him to always make the best decisions in my best interests at all times, that I can just relax and let him run the ship. That is what I am seeking.
If I still had to have control over him, then it's a big sign of lack of trust in him. I don't trust him to lead me, I will keep questioning his decisions or disagreeing with him because I think his making bad decisions. It's as simple as that.
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In my life, I have definitely experience how dreams can come true. In a way, alot of incredible things have happened that is unexplainable except, maybe just a pinch of good luck and lucky dust. Things that I can't see a way to make it happen but just to keep wishing it will happen. And occasionally, it does. The universe certainly works in mysterious ways to answer my needs.
While there is alot of things in life you can work for and make happen through your own actions and efforts, and if there is anything I REALLY want that is possible through this way, it will happen and has already happen. But at the same time, there are also many things that are completely beyond your control.
Sometimes certain opportunities are right in front me and although I am completely conscious and aware, I do not grasp it. It's like sometimes, at different stages of life, when that opportunity is there, and when you are face with it, you just don't have the mental clarity to use it to your full advantage and end up watching it leave from your grasp.
Wasted opportunities when I look back but also facing reality about my capability to handle it at that point of time. I was not ready when the opportunity came.
And I try to face it and be honest with myself that it was my limitation at that time.
Looking at all the resources within my grasp at this current stage of my life and how I am not utilizing them to the fullest. There is this huge uncertainty and wavering, where I cannot seem to focus on the things I can control, but am going into a panic about the things that I can't control.
I just wanted to record this point of my life, and it will be interesting to see what lies ahead from here, and what surprises will come my way, unexpected things, unpredictable things.
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I wish I could load pictures on journals. Sometimes, pictures expresses much better than words what I'm into. |
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LoL, a kiddy dom contacted me commanding me to give him my yahoo ID and I asked him why does a 30 yr old behave like a 18 yr old college kid, and he calls me mom or something lol and then blocks me. Now..., that is even more childish LOL! Seriously...
On other note, an interesting topic came up about does a Sub have to be obedient?
This is my answer:
I am a problematic submissive, I will self-admit, because my main kink is consensual non-consensual.
Which means, I do not like the scenario of being a willing slave by my own free will. I have to be forced, blackmailed, threatened into it or beaten into it, of course within a mutually consensual basis.
So naturally I will always be defiant and not obedient and love to challenge the dominant and it excites me to see what he will do to force my co-operation. Whether through mental manipulation or whatever.
And sometimes I know I am clearly being maneuvered and manipulated to follow what he wants, and I am fully aware it is happening and what he is trying to do, and I am secretly going along with it and feeling super thrilled by it.
Nothing sexually turns me on more than being PWNed and outsmarted by a sneaky dom. When it happens, inside I am laughing and feeling thrilled, while on the outside, pretending to be truly subdued and humbled.
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Note to self: Give the vanilla world another chance. Hidden dominants out there, hidden and sane. Find one to nurture.
The right one is out there, I just need to find him.
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This profile introduction of a dom, JustMatt, made my day and made me smile so wide. It's always lifting to see there are still such wise strategists doms around, in the jaded world of CM. This is a simple and GREAT profile! And he sounds amazing as a dom!
I believe the way to control is through the mind, in understanding the girl before me, in searching out her weakness's and strengths, to unleash the deepest desires in her. you should understand that this means i am not going to be all dominant straight away... how can you dominate some one without understanding them?
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I feel very alone in all the different places I don't really fit in properly.
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For some reason, I am craving mad for a spanking and finger fucking session, and I can easily go out and find any man to accommodate me tonight. But any man can just go through the motions and not give me the exact experience I want!
It's also the energy, the feel, the atmosphere he creates, how good he is at being an asshole in the role play moment, I can't articulate exactly what I need, and that is frustrating. I know it in my head and I've experienced the perfect connection with someone, where him telling me to bend over the couch, would get me dribbling wet and excited, and he'll tell me to spread my legs wide and stick my ass in the air, so he can see my cunt, and he would have called it HIS cunt. And he would belt me, ass and cunt, make me scream, and finger fuck me, dildo fuck me, teasing me with vibrators too, telling me what a dirty slut I am with my dirty cum dribbling down my legs. And then he would take me and fuck me hard and cum inside, leaving me with his cum mingled with my cum dribbling down. I would go on my knees, clean his cock with my tongue, while he would twist my tits, and I would beg him to use me more. And he'll tell me to go play with my vibrators. And I would play with them infront of him. While he watches TV.
Those were the wonderful days. When can I ever have it back?
Point is, he was a man who enjoys keeping me wet and wanting all day, and enjoys having a slut who is always sexually ready for him and knows what to do with someone like her. His completely excited by her! And love how she's always oozing for him.
It's just dreadful how bad the sex drive of men I'm meeting these days. When can I meet someone who can truly appreciate and enjoy me.
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Today something significant happen that really makes me feel justice and fairness still exists in this world, and Karma's a Bitch!
Seriously Happy! It's like Evil lost and the Good Won.
My universe has balance in it again. |
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There are some awesome pictures by people viewing my profile. Thank you for the lovely views! Especially those showing sexy erotic interactions between dominant and his sub. |
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I somehow dislike annoying profiles that says that they are married to a sweet vanilla woman who doesn't like anything kinky, and so they gotta look elsewhere for it.
Seriously...., what rubs me wrong about that, is that, the dom is blaming his wife for his own defects of the inability to stay loyal, rather than taking personal responsibility for CHOOSING a wife that doesn't like his kinks.
I'm just saying, if one wants to cheat, just own up to it and don't blame your spouse for your own actions. As a dom, I expect him to have control, being unable to control himself from betraying his wife's trust, is not exactly having control.
It's exactly why, I can't respect married doms, unless it's a poly relationship and wife is fully informed and aware and I get to meet her, that is a whole different thing.
Not saying I am into poly though. I still won't play with him, but I would respect him.
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Now I just need to find a man who feels exactly like this, damn that's hot! I freaking love forced orgasms with whippings!:
The mind is the largest sexual organ. The sounds as she struggles, and is forced to orgasm, coupled with sounds of a crop or flogger landing on her ass. Thats my Viagra.
- By Roofit89- |
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I read about somebody denouncing himself as a submissive after getting out of a long term 24/7 and discovering that he is enjoying his independence and the ability to make decisions for himself.
He said he did alot of bottoming stuffs because he mutually enjoyed them with the dom, and not because he felt he was doing it for the sake of submission. For him to feel like it was the sake of submission, he felt he had to be doing things he didn't enjoy.
I think he must have been drilled with the typical "You're not sub enough" mantra for him to feel this way.
I don't feel this way at all. I have experienced the power of somebody fulfilling all your deepest and darkest sexual desires and bringing you to unimaginable ecstasy while making you feel completely safe with him. When somebody has the power to do all that to you, your desire to fulfill his desires grows. It is part of the process of dominating someone, instilling the desire to want to please him.
I realise most doms denies this part of things, but they come across as just looking for a "Yes" person to everything, they do not want to deal with resistance, feelings, they simply want an automated person who simply says Yes to everything, without questioning. And if you dare question his actions, suddenly, he'll pull out the "You're not submissive enough for me! A real submissive would just do whatever the dom wants." To me, it's just a butthurt response of an insecure dom, which interprets to me as, "You make me feel like I am a failure as a dom because I could not inspire you to obey me and trust me enough not to question me."
There are alot of psychological effects in a D/S relationship, and if the dom is unable to get to the psych of what motivates another human being to want to listen to him, follow him, trust him with no questions, then I don't know if his actually a real dom at heart and down deep in the essence of him, or is he just an ordinary man who is trying to deal with some insecurities by reassuring himself that he is a worthy person by intentionally looking for someone who will just obey him without question and as he finds it difficult to locate such a person, he starts questioning his own self worth.
I've met naturally dominant men even in the vanilla world, dominant but not into kinks, the energy is incredible, you'll just feel drawn to them, they are very calm and non-threatening, the way they handle and maneuver you to end up agreeing to do what they want anyway in the end, is rather amazing. It's amazing because they convince you to do something you vehemently don't want to do at first, but when you do it eventually, because you're convinced his right and then, you feel pleasure from pleasing him.
So my point is that it's moot point to go seeking for an obedient slave, rather, are you dominant enough to make any woman obedient to you only specifically?
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I knew I miss SimplyMichael for something, he always wrote fantastic inspiring dominant-slanted commentary. Too bad he left collarme. But he recently wrote something so wonderful I have to share, because oh how I wish I can meet a dom who thinks like this. SimplyMichael describes it perfectly. I always talk about a wise and mature dom, this is an example of it.
I wish to add my point of view to it. Why does things like whipping have to be punishment based? Why can't I get whipped just because my dom loves and enjoys whipping me, and I get the pleasure out of indulging what he loves. As simple as that, an exchange of love, NOT PUNISHMENT! Why make it ugly instead of something beautiful? To me every whipping should feel like a beautiful emotionally moving experience. The moment it's used as a punishment, I am going to be resentful towards the dom and hate him for hurting me.
So, what was my point again? Oh yeah, punishment and why it isn't a big part of what I do to shape, reshape, and create the behaviors I desire. Basically, cause it isn't that effective and in general undermines the other things I am doing to nurture submission and obedience. Please notice I have placed some form of equivocation in each of those sentences, that is because saying I prefer not to use it, that it isn't a big part doesn't mean I NEVER use it just that it is, like a pistol, a tool that is best left holstered and unused.
Love and affection are far more powerful and effective tools for shaping behavior. Acceptance is very underrated but a wonderful tool to inspire devotion and surrender. Understanding, closely related to acceptance is a wonderful thing as well, one so few men have that it is well worth cultivating this skill.
Of course, there is the old standby of communication, the whole talking about things schtick. Find out the underlying motivations for a behavior and you then have the strings to begin playing with it, either to extinguish it, or enhance it. Probably one of the better ways when dealing with humans rather than animals.
Punishment can be effective. I think that when kid runs out into the street or tries to put his finger in an electrical outlet a quick spank, a bit of trauma is good and effective. But for adults? Not so much and here is why:
For many, we get enough negative attention from society, from families, from our pasts in so many ways that stepping into that same role aligns you with what is probably the source of much negativity, of many of the issues one is trying to overcome. Instead of being something different, you step into and become part of the problem, part of the past, part of the "groundhog day" your partner is stuck repeating.
In general, you want to step OUTSIDE that pattern, you want to be able to point and say "over THERE sucks"..."Be HERE, with ME" and create something "HERE" that is very very different, through all that love and acceptance crap I mentioned earlier.
Now, none of that means punishment should never happen, or that it never works, but its just sucks if that is your "go too tool" for behavior modification.
Now, there is a form of punishment that is VERY different. Punishment for absolution, punishment from YOU so that your submissive can stop punishing herself. That is a whole nother kettle of fish but it is NOT about changing behavior, or at least not about whatever the submissive is feeling guilty about, still sucks for fixing that. What it DOES do, is help the submissive stop beating herself up and it is, in its own way, a form of love, affection, and acceptance all rolled into one but is a topic for another day. |
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"Holier than thou, Holier than thou, Holier than thou!"
What's new?
Do these ones usually get laid with other type of subs with that energy and approach?
Probably..., or they wouldn't keep doing it...., hmmm
To be fair, I had like 5 cool doms being nice to me today and 1 mean one.
So it's not that bad!
I know collarme has lots of genuine super nice doms around, it's just unfortunate of the horrible distance that makes it hard to meet.
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My last two posts was too much bitching, but sometimes I need to vent and this is my space.
I want to share something I posted in the forums, in respond to what is the logic of enjoying "being treated like shit" in subs. I like sharing titbits of my innermost thoughts because I hope if it resonates with the right dom, he would contact me because he gets what I'm talking about.
So this is what I said:
I am completely unfamiliar with femdomme dynamics nor do I understand it, since I am a female sub.
But interestingly, when I think of being treated like a "piece of shit", that's verbal abuse humiliation isn't it? When a dom tells you, you're worthless, you're not good enough, you're useless. Like, it turns me on big time, when a dom tells me that I have to suck him till he cums, but before he could cum, he'd turn me around and thrust himself inside me, and then call me worthless and useless for not being able to make him cum, because he had to do the work himself and make himself cum. That excites me, and I know with the right person, it would excite him. And the thing is, it feels so personal between us, that deep inside, I know he loves me that I allow him to do things like that to me, and it thrills me that his love deepens for me when I understand this part of his need and I am able to fulfill it. It's quite an emotionally enriching experience. Never once do I really feel like a "piece of shit", but rather quite valued and treasured. I'm HIS slut to use and abuse.
I don't know what it's like for submales, and what emotions they go through, but I know I go through it with love clenching my heart and I expect to experience it with a dom who does everything with love shining through his eyes. Words like worthless and useless, sound loving to me.
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This is an example of abuse I receive daily.
This Spanish self-proclaimed dominant contacted me, and I could barely understand the sentence phrasing of his introduction of himself in English, because it was obviously not his first language. I politely mention to him that clear communication is very important to me, and I don't think we will work out because his better off finding a sub who could communicate with him in Spanish where he would be able to express himself more comfortably in his mother tongue.
And this is the response I got, which frankly, I can't even feel insulted if I barely understand exactly what he is saying. I am sure he will be able to explain himself better in Spanish but too bad I wouldn't understand a word. I guess he meant to call me a spoilt brat who complained about his English? But if he interpreted what I said as a complaint, rather than just a practical matter of fact statement, then clearly, he doesn't understand me and we are clearly unsuited for each other.
always answer with posers, or complaints, you behave like a brat bad maid, so always esres? is true my English is bad, but I understand others just your maid puts the evil brat problems with this.
Ask at your peril much, you think I can offer you what you need, but you have to deserve your attention of a master? What qualities?
This response to me is akin to a 18 yr old stripling lad stamping his foot and his in his 40's. Very unimpressive. I don't expect perfect English as mine is not great either, but I believe it's common sense that I point out, that if I cannot understand a word the Dom is saying, how can we ever have a relationship? I will never understand a word of his orders. It would drive me mad. And two Brats together don't make a great D/S relationship. The dominant one is suppose to be the adult.
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I got a message to me today telling me I am ignorant because I never met a man who ever matched my sex drive, and was lectured to go read some book about men and women.
I wonder what kind of man would be offended that I said I never met a men who could meet my sex drive. Most men just tell me, sex is not everything, and it's not a priority in their life, which is very reasonable and I respect that. Many women also don't have sex as a priority in their life. I am different. Sex is important to me, so it's a priority in my life and I seek like-minded males.
I have concluded that whatever I said must have brought up some kind of insecurity about his own sexuality that I am now an "ignorant" for being unable to meet men who wants sex as much as I do.
He also bragged that the only reason I have limits is because I have not been with the "almighty" him, who could make any woman grow to love their limits. If his really that good, I suggested he started a business to help other doms train their subs to over-come their limits, but I do not seek my limits to be broken, so not interested in his services.
I don't know why I get so irritated with dumb doms with dumb messages to me, I know I can't stop idiots from messaging me with dumb messages, but sometimes, I rather have an empty Inbox, than to receive messages filled with negative energy.
While I am complaining about this, I do not want to ignore the nice doms who have contacted me and who didn't have any chips on their shoulders and were very positive. Thank you for existing.
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I have only met 2 men in my life who makes me feel submissive towards them. What is so special about them? I don't know. The energy is intangible, it's like god-like energy radiating from them at first physical meet. The have the presence. And none of them acted particularly macho-like or trying to prove how domly they were, they were very gentlemanly and gentle, they treated me like a delicate fragile hearted woman who needs taking care of, both were very caring about making me feel comfortable with them, they make me feel soft.
It's actually quite incredible, how something so intangible can be felt.
I just hope I feel this way again with someone. It's a beautiful feeling.
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I want to feel violated in a safe environment with someone who cared about me and who I can trust to care about my parameters.
I miss that so much! Someone who abused you with love shining in his eyes. |
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I stole this from Gadommale Journal, because I always felt the whole concept of Daddy play very incestuous and pedophile-like. Also it just gross me out thinking of anything sexual with someone who I view as my father. But then I read Gadommale journal and his idea of what this relationship means, this is also not a common interpretation but it's rather wise and it's exactly what I seek in a Master, in a dom who I want to belong to. I just probably could not see him as a "Daddy", but as someone who cares and loves me and is taking care of me because I am his property and he owns me and he takes good care of what he owns.
Anyway, here it is.
A Daddy Dom is a male type dominant person who has a strong fathering urge, the counter part of the mother hen syndrome I would believe. However, in D/s, when the Daddy Dom takes a submissive, he treats her rather like a little girl.
He guides, teaches and offers her what she needs most of all, unconditional love and acceptance. In my view, a Daddy Dom is the most tender of dominants.
He loves his little girl with an unwavering and passionate love that is timeless. His little girl is his sunshine, the bright spot in his life. He wants nothing more than to pull her close and protect her from the cruel world, but knowing he cannot, he guides and teaches her, helping her to be ready for this world. Then, he waits, knowing she will run to him when she becomes overwhelmed and scared by the harshness of it all.
The Daddy Dom always has his little girl's best interest in mind. He will help her set and reach goals. He will help her improve herself to be the best she can be, not for him but for herself, and yes, he will even, at times, punish her. This will no doubt break his heart, but he will always do what's best for her.
The Daddy Dom gains as much joy and excitement from his little girl's daily accomplishment as she herself does. His pride in her shows in the tender, loving way he cares for her. She has put that twinkle in his eye.
The Daddy Dom listens to all her fears and concerns, knowing no matter how silly or childish they may sound to him, to her they are real, and he will help her confront them. He slays her dragons so to speak, and he is her hero for it.
The Daddy Dom hears all her dreams and desires and all the dirty little secrets and smiles because she is bold enough and loves him enough to open herself up so totally to him, and he kisses her face and holds her close, letting her know she is loved no matter what. She is his little girl, and he loves her unconditionally.
Even if during scening he brings her great pain to release her pleasures (admit it, some like it, so hush now), he will cuddle her and show her the tenderness she craves when she needs it. When she feels unsure of herself, he will whisper encouraging words for her. When she feels ugly, he will reassure her how beautiful she is to him. When she is scared, he will be her safety, her medium against the world if need be. Even though she is all woman, she is his little girl, and he is her daddy! |
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Favourite Dom Quote of the Day by Dark Steven
You're the Top. You're in control. DO NOT blame the other person if things go south.
That's Dom 101, fella. |
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Another day, another stupid dom with reading comprehension problems.
I clearly stated in my profile to read my hard limits before contacting me, and this dude only bothered reading my kinks without reading my hard limits and then got upset telling me I need psychiatric help when I got upset because he went on to tell me how he wants to have a relationship with me that will include all my hard limits.
I just absolutely "love" assholes like that!
Is it too much to ask that jerks who can't read don't contact me at all? Especially when they claim they have read everything in my profile and really felt we were compatible and then some how failed to read my hard limits? It makes me think they are dumb.
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Great advice by DaddySatyr here.
Is your reluctance because you feel like you'd be "bothering" or "pestering" your partner? Do you think that things that concern you would seem trivial to them? Is the importance of those issues to you the part that you are holding back?
Quite frankly, that's crap. Life will always throw curveballs at us and part of being in a relationship is to have someone to share the load when we're at our wits' end.
Also, personally, when I'm trapped under a mountain of my own shit, I actually enjoy getting away from it to help someone that I care about with what's going on with them. Plus, working on a relationship is a two way street and if I care to keep my partner in my life, I have to make sure that her wants and needs - physically, emotionally, and intimately as well as sexually - are being taken care of.
I actually have a very clear picture of what I am seeking. I always like to ascertain with a dominant first, if all his needs and wants are achievable by me. I do think fulfilling the wants and needs of your partner is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT and I would not want to go into a relationship where I can't make him super duper happy. And I am seeking a man who thinks like me and care about these things as well. In return, he has to care about my needs and wants and make them happen too. |
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I had such a wonderful time with a vanilla dude recently, and he was open to using toys and all and some of my kinks that, maybe I should seriously consider vanilla again. The chances of meeting a dom that fits me are very slim, but I keep meeting vanilla men that I really like, just that I wish they were more dominant in the bedroom, but they are not. |
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I realise what I was really addicted to in my previous relationship.
In my past relationship, I was kept in non-stop sexual arousal and sexual stimulation 24/7, we lived together so that was possible. It was like living in a dream, to enjoy such sexual abundance and indulgence with somebody who cared deeply for you and whom you cared deeply for in return.
I hope someday I meet someone who feels as excited by this aspect of things as I do.
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Losing your temper and patience with a sub you've just contacted online who is not co-operating with you and your intrusive questions is a sign of an incompetent dom.
If a self-proclaim dom cannot even control his own temper over something so simple as an online interaction not going his way, how will he seriously ever handle dealing with a real life human female slave in a world where slavery is illegal and woman have choices? To be fair, you could technically migrate to Saudi where women are true slaves there still.
But No matter what it is, for the rest of the world, you got to gain her consent and you have to somehow make her consensually want to continue to be your slave willingly and happily. To do that, IF you have not put thorough thoughts and strategy into this...., IF you don't think that it takes alot of effort and work to reach that place, I think you would be one pretty delusional "dom" who watch too much porn or either your head's too deep into fantasy that you forgot you are essentially at the end of the day, dealing with a very Human woman.
I seem to put alot of heavy responsibility on the doms in my posts, because, I think to be a dominant is all about heavy responsibilities. To be a sub is to trust someone else to make decisions on those heavy responsibilities. As a sub, I follow, I don't lead. And it's when you reached the stage where you trust someone so much that you can trust all his decisions and him to do whatever is best all the time, that, total obedience can be achieved. Because, if you trust him perfectly to do everything that is best, you would surely obey him and follow him.
The whole idea is control. How can a man have control over the situation? Control over a person? And have things the way he wants? This is the challenge of being a dom! And also a skill and talent that I greatly admire and respect, whenever I meet a real dom who understands perfectly the responsibilities of his role and able to carry it out competently.
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I get all these messages from doms who says, "I want total obedience", "I want someone who just wants to serve and please and do whatever I want her to do".
That's all definitely not getting brownie points. And they make me think that they are doms who've never really lived with reality of what it takes to have a relationship and maintain a relationship with a sub. What's in their head is, submissive girls are easier than vanilla girls because they are submissive. That is the biggest misconception. Alot of doms that I spoke to don't seem to have a clear reality of how huge of a responsibility it is to be in a full time relationship with a sub, way more than with a vanilla female, there are more things to take care of. You own something that you are suppose to shape, help grow, stay healthy, mentally and physically, someone who's going to drop most of her decision making and leave her life in your hands.
A confident dom who knows what he is doing would not be telling a sub, "I want this, I want that, I want your submission and absolute obedience towards me."
A dom who knows what his doing focus on finding out the psychology of what inspires that specific woman's submission, and then utilize that information to make her submission to him happen if he decides he fancies her enough. He also have to consider if they had the same values outside of bdsm to be compatible, it's not just about bdsm.
A wise dom I believe would also, as I said in the past, be a good leader. A good leader never gives tasks to his employees to set them up to fail, he makes good judgement of each employee's capability, and push them a little but makes sure he stays realistic about what they can or cannot handle and dish out appropriately. But I think there are many doms with unrealistic expectations, not laying the right ground work and motivations to inspire the submission he wants yet, and then get all upset when they can't control someone to do what they want. And it collapses into this whole big tantrum of "You are not a sub!"
What kind of macho alpha male radiating power and masculinity goes into a little boy tantrum when they cannot inspire co-operation or submission from the woman they desire?
Submission is such a inspired thing. For me, it's really about energy. There are some men that just makes me want to fall on my knees and offer my mouth to his cock, and there are some men that they can't make me touch their cock with a ten foot pole, not because they are physically unattractive, but the personality is just not right. They don't exude calm dominant energy, rather more flighty self-proclaimed domliness.
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I think my unrealistic expectation is to find someone who just syncs with me. I don't want to change for him and I don't him to change for me. I don't want to have to work on each other.
I want our kinks to be just so perfectly complimentary, he can enjoy everything he does to me or commands me to do and I can enjoy all his orders without hesitation and with lots of love.
While I believe it is possible, but it is also a tall order that takes the biggest kind of luck to meet someone that insync and that great for each other.
Will I ever get lucky? |
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Here's my answer to What do subs find annoying about Dominants?
For me the key of being a good dominant is being a good leader. Someone who inspires, leads, motivates, considers the best interest of all involved, take control, persuade intelligently and patiently.
So, I think what is annoying is when a dominant shows poor leadership quality and wants to dom. Do they not understand that to dom means that they actually have to lead another human being? And leadership is not easy. |
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Sometimes if I do not reply you, it just means I am not interested and I have already ascertain we are not compatible. It could be your age, your height, your weight, your bdsm interests are conflicting with mine, or I didn't like your introduction, your style of writing! So get a hint! If I don't reply your messages, it means I don't feel like we have any potential chemistry to build a connection!
What will make me reply is if you wrote me something amusing and witty, and I laughed, and I just have to thank you for brightening up my day, if you had a great profile and I wanted to compliment you for it and if I felt we had alot in common to explore getting to know each other better.
I work as simple as that!
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Gotta love this!
Someone ask to start a conversation with me. I ended up asking all the questions and he just answers and wait for me to ask more questions and doesn't participate in taking control and leading the conversation, I was leading it instead. That's quite a turn off already, because that's the first sign of no leadership capability or good communication skills anyway. Then I got bored, so I stopped asking more questions to give him a chance to start asking questions. And then he asked the most stupid question ever, what are my limits? Which was so clearly written in my profile. His introduction was that he likes my profile, so that's what made it even worst!
I'd probably be more impressed if he wanted to discuss the reasons as to why I have those things as limits but nope, just what's your limits? So I pointed out to him of course that, they are all clearly written in my profile, he can refer to my profile. He then calls me boring, AS IF, I am responsible for his entertainment. Is this dumb and dumber here?
Just part of another day where you gotta deal with idiots calling themselves doms. Oh well! What a big waste of 15mins of my life!
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Although he is not the one, you just know, kink matches is not good enough for me, for a relationship to last, there has to be more than just that, but it gives me hope, there is some one out there who will fit me like a glove!
We just have not found each other yet!
The world is so huge, gonna take an enormous amount of luck and fate to meet the one. |
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Actually, on the day I met that silly dom that I mentioned in my last journal entry, I also met someone else wonderful. He was the opposite. He was transparent, open, patient, wasn't defensive at all, and just answered every question I put to him, openly and honestly, and told me to ask him anything, I absolutely love that!
I've ascertained that we had loads in common and he would respect all my limits. I love how he just accepts them with no persuasion or argument at all for me to expand my boundaries, and he still feels he has alot to work with despite all my limitations.
So we met and it seriously went great! He was exactly as he portrayed himself online. Very gentlemanly and respectful. And I love the way he handled everything not assuming anything and checking thoroughly what's okay and what's not okay. I had a seriously good session in a long long time. He was a giant of a man and I love how tiny I felt.
Finally someone nice is dropping on my lap!
Thank you whoever sent him to me.
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Nothing makes my day more annoying than having a dom chat me up who is impatient, frustrated and unreasonable, on top of that, throw a fit that it's like attending a job interview, simply because I asked him what are his necessary desires? And it's not some teenager I'm chatting with, but someone probably in his 50's.
How do other subs stand such attitudes if they are ever to hook up?
I'm doomed for vanilla men! Who can't fulfill my sexual desires but who are just so much nicer to talk to. |
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It's new year's eve and I read a very touching post in the forum, it made me emotional and I teared up, may not be touching to anybody else, but it meant alot to me, that a dom like this exists, and I hope whoever I ended up with in the future would be as mature as this as a dom, I thought this whole post encompass what domliness means to me. To be with and kneel to a man like this is my dream.
Words of Gauge
I learned a tough lesson a long time ago and I am not ashamed to admit it here because it serves as an example of something that hurt someone but at the same time it also allowed my relationship with my slave to grow. One evening I got the bright idea that I was going to try out some humiliation on my slave so, something came up and I began to berate her and I called her worthless. She got quiet and began to shiver and she ran into the bedroom crying. I had no clue what had just happened until I asked her what was wrong. Here I came to find out that she actually did feel worthless from years of mental abuse and I struck a nerve with her. God did I feel about an inch tall and felt like a world class heel. It took time for me to explain to her that I didn't view her as worthless but that I was trying my hand at "humiliation" but here is the kicker, we never discussed it before I tried it. I was all about being a dominant and I didn't think to discuss my desires with my slave. I sound like an asshole, right? Well, I am not. I care deeply for people in general, I care that much more for those that I love and I felt like shit for hurting her. I learned a valuable lesson that evening and I now will take my time and talk about things with my next slave/submissive that trusts me enough to call me Sir. Please don't judge me too harshly because I made a mistake and it was a hard one to learn from, but I did learn from it.
My point is that I didn't get all bent out of shape when I realized that I had hurt someone I cared about. I took steps to make it right. I also was humble enough to realize I had fucked up and I vowed to never do it again.
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Submissive men need to stop contacting me telling me they are into domming too, when their profile is glaringly submissive-oriented!
It just makes me think that you can't get laid with dommes, so now you are trying your luck to get laid with subs.
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Craving for submission and to be used, but not meeting the right man that it feels right and I feel safe with. |
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I wish I could "LIKE" posts like this one, and this is written by a Male Dom by the way. Any doms who do not behave like the doms described below can feel free to contact me.
A lot of the "Doms" who post here are just that, horny vanilla guys looking a quick and freaky fuck. Then there are the bitter and lonely men who either haven't had a "real" relationship or have exited one because they lack basic social skills. Too many of them have this idea that what they see in the reams of porn they view is the reality, not fantasy. When it's shoved in their faces, they (usually) flee the site or post rants on the boards about not finding anyone suitable.
They want to find a fawning "yes" girl who won't give them any trouble or say no to them and their sometimes impossible fantasies. When they discover that a lot of the submissive/slave women are, in fact, just as demanding and picky as a "normal" woman (which they are, just kinkier), they disappear, only to be heard bitching about fakes. Then, there are the "Twoo Doms", who have this idea that what most folks see only as a bedroom game is a daily-daily event that requires micro-management on a totalitarian scale. Again, they tend to discover that most women won't bother to play their games, and once again we get another "Fakes and Posers" thread. |
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Someone told me my pictures were inappropriate today.
Because I wasn't looking for real slavery and those pictures depict real slavery.
*eyes roll*
Those pictures depict sensual positions that I enjoy being taken in, that's all it is. They are beautiful wonderful positions, gives a man alot of access to woman's body. What's not to like?
Yes, I am not into real slavery, because real life still exists and you still have to be responsible for your own life, putting yourself completely helpless and at the full mercy of a man is simply suicidal, I know some people are happy to take the risk, but it's like why I am an atheist, I can't do blind faith. If I meet a man that I am happy to go along with all his decisions, it simply means I agree with all his decisions and I truly believe I can trust him to make all the best decisions for me. Will this man ever exist in my life? I don't know. We'll see. |
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What I want!
Someone whom makes me naturally feel submissive towards him and crave for him. Someone who knows how to control me and play my strings, doesn't go into a kiddy tantrum when he can't get what he wants from me, will plot, plan and know how to handle me to get what he wants.
Honest, open, patience, sense of humour, a genuine love and respect for each other is all important too. |
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I love it best when a man knows how to play with my body like an instrument and has full control over it's reactions.
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This is JeffBC description of me which I have say is 100% accurate and spot on.
she wants a BDSM top (not a dom, not a master). She wants some nice guy she can negotiate some scene with then they can both go have a rockin time doing whatever they do and then go back to being vanilla. |
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I'm the kind of sub needs a dom to inspire me to submit.
I am not submissive to just anybody who introduces themselves as a dom.
So if you can't talk to me like a normal human being, you're probably not gonna inspire any respect or submission from me.
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Base on my own experience...., the ones who introduce himself that he has XXXX of years of experience, are usually the most clueless of all doms.
I got one today who claims so much BS experience that he doesn't even know what a bottom is and thinks it only refers to male submissive, thus he concluded I must be a male.
Whereas the most humble of all folks are usually genuinely the most knowledgeable but they don't even mention it and talk down to you like they know better than you. |
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I am not a natural born follower type of sub, just to be clear.
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Some things, you can't make your own destiny.
Meeting the right dom is one of them.
That's life. |
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This is my favourite role playing template.
I go through first wave of humiliation of being sexually assaulted against my will, then the second wave of humiliation of being taunted that I am being dishonest that I don't want it, because the bodily fluids that is oozing out of me is contradicting everything, and then final humiliation is when I actually reach earth shattering orgasms that feels so good but it isn't suppose to feel good, as this is a non-consensual assault happening.
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I love the current discussion going on the forum right now.
It's about mind-conditioning of a sub until she becomes incapable of free will.
That's what makes this lifestyle so dangerous and at the same time, as a submissive, a man who can totally manipulate you and control you to the extent that you are just happy to go along with everything. It's really psychological conditioning and it is quite powerful, where he controls, and this is not, you doing something you don't like because you are submissive. This is him conditioning you to love things that he wants you to do, to the extent that you think you are doing this out of your own free will, but you're not, he manipulated everything, changing your thoughts and feelings.
I hope someday I meet someone like that who's able to lead me to such a deep psychological fulfilling extent.
One of the biggest failure of my x-master I feel was that, he was practicing some psychologically conditioning, but he didn't have the patience to wait for the fruits of his labour, he got frustrated and impatient when it's not working as fast as he would like it to be. But in a way, he left me frustrated too, because I just felt I needed time, and not emotional blackmail to speed up the process. I feel like a half finished job, 50% there, neither here nor there.
One of the poster's account was that it took him 2 years to psychologically condition something his sub objected to. That's patience, but he was sure he would get there and went at her pace.
In a way, I totally understand the gorean concept and am going through it, that I'd like to have a man capable of leading me, because I always seem to be the one to be leading and it frustrates me when I lead, but I needed someone who could inspire me to follow and just be a supporting role, it's where I feel happiest, but I do have an alpha demeanor which means I often naturally get into a leadership position even though I try to avoid it like plague and do not enjoy it.
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I get annoyed when "self pro-claimed Masters" can't read. I "love" receiving messages about how they are gonna execute all my hard limits on me.
How can they lead if they can't read? |
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There is this little girl inside of me screaming to submit to someone.
At the same time...., can't be just anyone.
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I miss being on my knees to someone I love and respect and want to please. |
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I hope the master meant for me finds me some day and never let me go.... |
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Genuinely dominating somebody who submits to you takes a lot of responsibility and forethought from a D-type or M-type. It's not as simple as just bossing somebody around and telling them what to do.
- UllrsIshtar -
That is my favourite quote of the day!
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Alot of people can't read on here.
I hope anal loving men will stop contacting me for it.
Seriously..., it wasn't a joke when I said I'm not into anal. |
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I consider this a curse more than a gift.
I wish I was normal. |
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Is this a submissive trait?
I enjoy any sort of plays that start off with reluctance, with me denying my sexual desire, where my body is reacting while I am saying no. It's like a whole game of denial like, "I don't want him", but why is my body reacting?
In a way, it's the humiliating aspects that excites me, because if you think to yourself, you don't want this person, but your body is betraying you, that is humiliating.
I'm considered too mild for most doms, but too extreme for vanilla boys. Bondage, blindfolds, being whipped, spanked, all that, I have done. Being commanded to knee, crawl, play with myself, or display myself in sexually provocative positions, having toys used on me, all those stuffs, I've done too.
Basically, all of this leads to, I'm doing things that I am not suppose to get sexually excited about but I am, so it's embarrassing, and humiliating, but I am getting turn on. The guy has so much control over my body reaction. And my body craves for his attentions and his touch. But my mind is always at odds with my body.
Feeling constantly in this position is what makes my juices flow none stop.
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I read some stuffs in the forum that made it even clearer about things for me.
A good Dom should technically, be a good boss.
It's good leadership skills he needs to have.
A good Boss knows how to handle all types of personalities and maneuver or manipulate his staff to work in a way where it will benefit the company.
Same as a dom, he needs to be able to manipulate the sub into working in a way where it benefits him.
If that makes sense.
So all these, "not sub enough thingy", is really BS.
A good Boss also grooms and help with his workers development.
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Sometimes I don't understand how does a person sail through life without baggages.
I can't achieve it. |
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This is my idea of a good dom
Calm, good tempered, patient, understanding, high EQ, reasonable, mature, realistic, loving and tender, sense of humour |
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Dark and lonely days ahead.
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I was just reading in the forum about if a dom or a master is always right.
I wish I meet a dom or a master who is always right.
Wouldn't that be awesome?
No arguments, no disagreements.
I can fully trust him, as he is always right and always made the best decisions healthy and right for me.
If all doms and masters are always right, there will be alot of happy subs.
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A sub should be transparent to her master, and a master should be transparent to his sub.
His job is to take care of her physical, emotional and mental welfare.
To do this, he should require his sub to be open and transparent about her feelings, worries, concerns or reservations, and actually deal with it to eliminate those obstacles that's preventing her from giving herself fully to him, rather than tell her shut up and her feelings do not matter.
Seems simple logic to me, why is this so difficult for some doms to understand?
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I wish I wasn't an emotional person....
And I wish I could be weak and it would be okay to be weak....and someone else can be strong for me, this is the main core of why I seek a dominant man.
But...., if there is something I learn from my experience....
Most submissive are steel strong inside. Their submission is a gift and a choice, but they are iron strong inside and comfortable with themselves. It's arguable that most of them would actually have to be wiser and stronger than their doms. It does not mean they dominate their dom, but simply it means, they are strong enough to submit, strong enough to let go and give up their fears and just take the leap and strong enough to handle any repercussions if they made the mistake of trusting the wrong dom.
So I am not strong...., and I initially am drawn to doms because I viewed them as the stronger ones and I am weak.
My kinks are real, but it all still have to do with, I enjoy feeling helpless and weak, with trust, it's the best feeling in the world to just let go and know you are in strong but gentle hands.
Where does this really leave me now?
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I feel like in the bdsm world. You can throw away the concept that a guy should accept you as what you are and not force you to do things that you don't want and things like that.
Consider in a vanilla relationship..., generally, when a man loves a girl, he will not force her to do anything she doesn't like doing, and that's how you tell whether he loves you or not. His willing to for-go some things for you. When I say force, I mean, emotional blackmail, guilt trip or downright tantrums.
In bdsm, the reason why a man thinks he loves you in the first place is because of the bdsm things you are willing to do with him. So..., just because he wants you to do something you are not comfortable with, does not mean he does not love you, it just the way it is that he just loved you for the bdsm stuffs that you do in the first place.
There is no such thing as "Love you more than just sex." or should I say, "Love you more than just the kink of control."
As if you can't fulfill his bdsm wishes, he doesn't love you anymore, cuz it's what he loves about you in the first place.
The main focus is not you as a person. The main focus is what you can give him in bdsm. You're really just an object. And I do enjoy being objectified, but that's just for fun, in reality, which girl doesn't want to feel accepted 100% as a human being?
And I guess this is a huge struggle for me.
I want to have my cake and eat it. I want a dom who cares about my feelings, will give up certain things where we are incompatible for me. Of course ideally if we are both into the exact same things, then nobody has to give up anything, but that situation is looking very unlikely.
Or I just give it up totally and just stick to vanilla men, and forget about ever having a bdsm sex life. Training a vanilla man to be my perfect dom is not an option. Done that, disastrous results, vanilla is vanilla, if they were meant to be doms, they wouldn't be vanilla.
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I just wanted to say.
I love what this dom said.
If I can get a submissive totally devoted to me by filling her every fantasy and dark desire. Then the real submission comes to bloom. Not the "Oh I'll kneel because you're so superior." That's paperback romance kink. I desire the in-depth emotional chains. The. Ones that will make one beg on their knees for time with me. Where they simply want to submit not because I'm a dominant. But because they see me and feel me as one. That ache that one needs to serve, or be caressed. That's what excites me. Not the act, but the purely emotional and mental need. -RichardW-
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Anybody who is as bored as me just want to chat, exchange stories.
No, I'm not looking for kinky chats or cyber sex or online domination.
I just want to talk about life, love and experience in bdsm relationships.
Be my friend.
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I had a conversation with a dom who asked a very simple question...., on what exactly am I really looking for...here it is....
I am looking for a vanilla relationship with bdsm in it.
Someone who can be my master, and my best friend.
And hopefully we rock each other world in bed, vanilla life and bdsm.
And can enjoy meaningful conversations with each other, share our lives, our deepest thoughts, our feelings, and do normal things in life together as well like movies, wining and dining, working out together, without bdsm elements having to be part of those activities.
That would be heaven to have a life companion like that.
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There are many married men on here that has vanilla wives and possibly also kids, are looking for bdsm play behind their wives back.
I know some people look at this as they want their cake and eat it, but I really see this differently.
I think they love their vanilla wives so much and cannot leave them for bdsm. But their desire for bdsm is strong, so they try to find a neutral solution where they won't abandon their wives, and still be able to enjoy some of their cravings.
The key thing here is that, they did not and are not gonna abandon their wife and kids.
And that....., I approve.
But this doesn't mean I want to be bombarded by married men.
IF you are married. We can only be online chatting friends.
As to me, you are the property of your wife, and I don't touch other woman's property.
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I thought I place this here in my journal, what I posted, to remind me, why I think I am submissive and not dominant.
And if I appear to be less than submissive, I think the core of the matter is, the lack of trust in that dom to care for my emotional and physical welfare.
I feel submissive because I don't get turn on ordering a man around in bed.
I like him to take charge and know what his doing and what he wants from his woman.
A very strong, alpha and assertive man is just very very attractive.
In my vanilla personel, I am very outspoken, and do portray a very strong image. At work, I gotta manage big grown men all older than me, and you got to be tough, stand your ground, with the right soft touch to survive in there and to earn respect. Otherwise, you'd get mowed over.
With somebody I can fully trust, it is just very attractive to be able to simply not be strong, let my guard down, and let him lead and I can mindlessly follow and just focus on pleasing him and feeling the security that he will handle me with care. Doing all these sinfully pleasurable things to me. It is totally erotic that I can trust him to whip me without intent to hurt but to pleasure.And simply kneeling to him is so pleasurable for me, as I dunno, the key word is, I get so much joy and pleasure out of it. It's just..., to die for. Perhaps it's being able to feel this level of trust with somebody that is heady.
I hope some fine day, I will feel like this again with someone who gets me. |
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Love and peace flash through my mind, pain and hate is all I find.
Find no hope in nothing new, never had a dream come true.
Lies and hate and agony, through my eyes, that's all I see.
-ST-
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I want a man who is loving and caring for me in a vanilla way and treats me like a slut in bed. I want to be his cum bucket, his fuck toy, and I just want to be used, objectified, and abused. All to stay as just bedroom fun.
Where can I find this man?
It sucks when vanilla men are so nice but I know we can't play the things I'd like to play in bed.
And dom men who rocks my world in bed but wants to dom me in my vanilla life as well.
Perhaps I need the classic submissive in vanilla personnel, but a master who shows me my place in bed.
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The very interesting about fantasies is that, when it comes true, it doesn't seem to be as realistic as a fantasy.
I know I am not making sense, but when your fantasy is actually being acted out or happening in real life and not in your mind, it's like, I'm just a spirit outside my body observing it.
It's kinda...., surreal I suppose, like you're just a spirit wandering pass the scene, although you are totally involved in the scene.
Maybe something to do with, it's happening, but your mind is not accepting that it is real? |
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I wish bsdm can be a land of rainbow and sun shines, a safe haven where only good people exists, and we can all just have sane, safe, consensual fun with each other without danger or getting hurt.
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I am frustrated with my own make up.
Not sub enough to be sub.
Not vanilla enough to be vanilla.
I just don't fit in anywhere.
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BDSM is such a crazy addiction that it makes men who loves their vanilla wives, leave their vanilla wives to pursue this pleasure.
And between love and bdsm, I believe many here will choose BDSM.
It's heartbreaking. |
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Somebody explain this to me.
Is BDSM role play or not?
Why do some on here seem to be intent of acheiving real slavery? |
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Having play with feelings involved have kinda ruin me.
I used to be able to fully enjoy pure no string attached casual engagement, but now, I find it so unfulfilling and unsatisfying. |
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Sane, Safe and Consensual
How come I feel like that rarely happens? |
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Where can I find a bunch of people who agrees with me that bdsm is just suppose to be fun and games, and something which makes sex more exciting and enhances the level of pleasure in sex?
I totally don't get the kick of being a submissive 24/7 but I can definitely enjoy it in a role playing mode where we're playing pretend master and slave.
Where can I find doms that agree their sub's excitement and pleasure is as important as their own?
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