I've been thinking a lot about my life and how I want to live it. We all want to be happy and have joy in our lives and this piece is a "manifesto" of sorts about what I dream and fantasize about having. I'll say on the front end that I'm fully aware that dreams don't always come true and fantasy isn't real life. I know that I'm not perfect and neither is anyone else and it's simply not possible to be all things to all people (even yourself) at all times. It's also not possible for people to meet expectations 100% of the time. That's not real life, that's perfection, and none of us are perfect. But I have constructs in my mind of what I think I want and this manifesto is putting pen to paper to explain who I am, what I want and what kind of person I want to be with. This exercise isn't about establishing "Hard Limits", most things in life are a negotiation and the following thoughts are no different.
I believe that people are ever-changing and that most things in life are not set in stone. I have experienced some of the things I'll write about here, but most of them I haven't. I have spent many years thinking about my needs and wants and what kind of person I want my partner to be. As with all things, the below is what I'm thinking and feeling right now...it's all subject to change and I know it will. I'm fully aware that some people that read this will say to themselves (or me), "You're living in a fantasy world; real relationships don't operate that way." And I'm perfectly aware of that fact. I know that I'll never have a partner that can live up to what I'm describing on a 24/7 basis. And I also know that I can't live up to the standard I'm setting for myself below on a 24/7 basis. The below is a mixture of reality and fantasy and I don't want to/can't distinguish between the two here because frankly I have no idea what's actually possible in IRL and neither does anyone else until it actually happens. The below is putting pen to paper about who I am, who I want my partner to be and how I dream about living my life.
I'm asking that the reader embrace one thing about all of the below: this is who I am and what I want and want to be right now. I intend to add to and change what I've written here in the future.
Who I am:
I am a late 40's male who adores being pretty and girly. All of my clothes are women's clothes/shoes and I love keeping my nails painted, wearing makeup/jewelry and having my hair styled in a feminine way (currently it's like a pixie cut). I keep myself in great shape so I look good in my clothes...at least I think I do! I fully embrace gender-bending and I feel very sexy and feminine when I present as a girl. I like to be noticed and most of the things I wear are colorful and are designed to draw attention. Most of the attention I get from straight men isn't positive and I think I understand why, but that just comes with the territory. Most of the attention I get from women is positive and I enjoy that attention. I know that most women probably think I'm gay (I'm not) and that's OK with me. I believe that because they think I'm gay that allows two things to happen: 1) They let their guard down with me and 2) They treat me as "one of the girls". I like both of those things. I embrace my feminine side, I like displaying it and I want to be more openly emotionally complex like women are. I like the idea of being in touch with my feminine side and manifesting that side outwardly and inwardly.
I also love my traditionally male qualities. I am a linear thinker in many ways and I am action-oriented (of course these things are both a blessing and a curse!). I am a "doer" and I can compartmentalize when I need to. I get things done.
I have a deep need to be submissive both in and out of the bedroom. I love serving women and I want to live my life in service in all aspects of my life. I've had many jobs in my life and the ones that have fulfilled me the most are the ones that have allowed me to be in service to others. I've also had many sexual experiences in my life and the ones that turn me on the most have been the ones that have allowed me to be submissive to my partner and have my feminine side encouraged. I'll expound more on this topic later. I've been the "wifey" tasked with being in charge of all the household duties (cooking, cleaning, paying bills, running errands, laundry, etc.) and I thrive on those things. I strive to create a wonderful home life and it pleases me to be able to do that for myself and my partner.
I love women and I love pleasing them. I love serving them. I'm sexually attracted to women and I love how complex they are. I love that women (in general) can be multi-orgasmic and I love providing those orgasms. I love being multi-orgasmic myself and enjoy having "full body" orgasms. Those things are rare for me, but I have experienced them and they are what I strive to have. I love role play, particularly assuming the traditionally female role in bed (more on this later). That's not to say that I don't enjoy PIV, because I do! But I like to think of my cock in a certain way and have my partner think of it in the same way (more on this later also). I love to be submissive in bed and put my partner's needs first, but I also want my needs met sexually.
Who I am not:
I do not believe I am a woman trapped in a man's body. I will explain later in more detail about who I am and why I love "all things girly", but I don't believe that I was born a woman that was given a man's body. I believe I have many feminine qualities and I want to embrace those. I also believe that no one is 100% "all boy" or 100% "all girl." I believe we all have both traits and it doesn't interest me to debate that point. I believe that I have inherent feminine qualities that I want to encourage and I also believe that I am constructing things in my life to be more feminine because that's who I like being, not because I feel I am truly that down to my core. Let me explain that more.
It's my understanding that transgender people are born as one gender and transition to the other because their outsides doesn't match their insides. For the most part they have always felt that their biology didn't match who they are at their core on an emotional level. They transition physically to another gender to match how they feel on the inside. I do not believe that is me. I believe that I am both a boy and a girl inside. I am interested in being allowed to dress as a woman, feel "girly" and embrace my feminine side. I want to have the freedom to express my feminine qualities and have them encouraged. I want to feel and be seen as "pretty", but a large portion of that is a gender-bending construct. I do it and want to do it because I like that aspect of me and it turns me on on many levels to be that way; it's not because I think I'm only a girl trapped in a man's body. I want to have the freedom and encouragement to explore my feminine qualities and not be labeled as either a boy or a girl. I want to be a gender fluid submissive and be encouraged to be that way. I'm aware that my emotional state concerning this is complicated and is probably confusing to most people. But the bottom line is that I don't feel as if I'm a woman trapped in a man's body and I'm not interested in the idea of transitioning physically to become a woman through hormone therapy permanently.
It should become more clear later in this writing about what I'm after as far as this issue is concerned.
What I want:
This section has many moving parts and I'm going to break this up in to many subcategories. It will include what I want to be, how I want to live my life, who I want my partner to be, how she lives her life and how we live our lives together. As I've intimated before, I have no idea what my relationship would be IRL if I was living in the kind of relationship I'm about to describe. But I have experienced many of these things I'm about to write about and they are things I wish I did or didn't have if I had my way.
What I want in a partner:
I want my primary relationship to be with a strong, confident, capable, smart, funny, caring, loving, sexy, sexual, sexually adventurous, hetero-flexible (this is negotiable), action-oriented, detail-oriented, open-minded, friendly, rule-oriented, honest, trusting, disciplined, giving, sane, fair, mature, understanding, dominant woman who takes care of herself, physically, emotionally and sexually and does the same for me (and also requires that I do those things). I also need her to encourage and embrace my feminine qualities, want me to express that side of me and be sexually turned on by taking the dominate role in and out of the bedroom. I want her to be turned on sexually by treating me as the girl in bed, assuming the role of the boy and my lesbian lover at different times. I'll now break down each of these attributes:
Strong:
I want a mistress wife that is strong enough emotionally to know what she wants and is able to be the person she wants to be, hold herself accountable to that, know what she wants me to be and hold me to the standards set forth. I want her to have the fortitude to show strength both physically and mentally when facing challenges and works towards building the kind of life she wants for herself, me and our relationship. I want her to have the strength to be able to be able to impose her will when things get difficult to get what she wants from her life and our lives together.
I also want her to be strong physically. I'm turned on by many body types on women and I want to be clear that I'm not pinning down any one type. I'm attracted to the 5'2" small framed woman who is slight in stature, is lean and physically strong for her size, but whom I could easily overpower if I wanted to. On the other end of the spectrum I'm attracted to the 6'0' woman who has a larger frame, is very muscly and could overpower me if she wanted to. And I'm attracted to all the body types in between. What all those body types have in common is that they have lean muscle (but some are stronger than others). I want a mistress wife that values being physically fit and is willing to work to get that (eats right, has a workout routine with goals, etc.).
Although I've had fantasies about female bodybuilders, as a general statement I'm not very attracted to women that have bodies built for competition. What I mean by that is that I'm not looking for a bodybuilder that has 2% body fat and has the muscle mass of Arnold back in the day. I'm not looking for a woman that wants to have a body that looks mostly like a man's body. I like curves on women and I also like muscles on women. But I'm not particularly attracted to female bodybuilders that in essence have breasts and a vagina but the rest of their bodies look masculine. I'm not at all saying that there is anything wrong with that or that I wouldn't ever consider a relationship with a woman who looked like that, but I am saying that it wouldn't be my preference. Although I do hate to label myself, I consider myself straight (for the most part) and I'm not seeking a woman that wants to appear as masculine as possible.
However, I am really turned on women bodybuilders that have a lot of muscle mass and still have hips. Women that engage in gymnastics, fitness competitions, NATURAL bodybuilding competitions, Cross-fit, etc. all do it for me on many levels. I'm not saying at all that the woman I want has to do any of those things, but those super-fit, muscly women do turn me on. I'm just as turned on by the women that aren't and don't want to be any of those things. My ideal woman physically is just "strong", whatever that may look like IRL.
On the flip side I want a woman who wants me to be strong, lean and have a more girly body. I'm 5'8" and weigh between 145-150 lbs with about 12% body fat. I've been told I have "teenage girl" hips and I like that about myself. I want to strive for a more feminine body, one that can be accomplished by body modification on my own or possibly plastic surgery in the future is that is what my wife and I want. I can't see using hormone therapy to get the look I think I want. I want to be lithe, strong and have a girlish figure, a figure that allows me to move back and forth between being a woman and a man. I like my apple bottom and I'd like to have a bit better hip-to-waist ratio that is more feminine and can be accomplished through things like exercise, eating, corset training, etc. I work to be strong, but I'd like to be more slight in stature and not be quite so muscly. I have a small frame (for example, I wear a size 7 women's ring on my ring finger), but I have pretty broad shoulders and bigger arms that I'd like to be smaller, in general. I do plyometrics and HIIT training, but I don't lift weights anymore to avoid putting on muscle mass in those areas. I easily get the strength training I need through using just my own body weight. I have the thick thighs of a girl and I like those about myself. So basically what I'm trying to convey is that I like being strong and having muscles, but overall I'd like to have a more feminine figure than I do now to support my feminine construct. Not THAT much more girly, but a bit more feminine would be nice! I'd like to have a body that if I were dressed in the right way and my hair was styled in the right way if anyone saw me from behind they'd be sure they were looking at a super-fit lady. And if they saw me from the front, they only thing that would give away that I wasn't a girl (assuming I was also all dolled up with makeup) is that my face doesn't quite get there as a girl...even though I have many feminine facial features. I do believe I can "pass" right now under the right conditions, but that isn't the same thing as looking 100% as a naturally born girl.
Confident:
I want a mistress wife that is confident in herself and me. She knows what she wants for herself and us and is generally confident about herself. She has high self-esteem and knows that she is moving her life and our life in the direction that is right for us. She recognizes her weaknesses and mine and has the confidence deal to with those weaknesses as needed and isn't afraid to get what she truly wants out of life. She recognizes her strengths and mine and plays to those when possible. She confident is her abilities and uses those to her advantage. She's confident in my abilities and knows that I'm able to do what is expected of me.
Capable:
I want a mistress that is capable of leading our lives both in and out of the bedroom. I want someone that has the skill to navigate her career and our relationship and keep our lives on track. I need her to have the skill sets required to be successful in her professional and personal life, whatever those may be.
Smart
Intelligence is a tricky thing and I believe it can basically be broken down in to two subcategories: "book smart" and "street smart". I do value book smarts, particularly as a means to accomplish goals, i.e. you have to have and be able to get a medical degree if you want to be an M.D. But I don't think it necessarily makes you "smart" just because you can get a degree. I've known many highly educated people that aren't very smart. Getting a degree, even an advanced one, does require a certain level of intelligence, but it is more about hard work and understanding what is required to have success in school. I place more of a premium on street smart. I'd rather have a partner that has a high I.Q. and no degree that is smart about her life than one that has a PhD but has trouble figuring out how to be smart about her non-academic life.
Funny
I do love to laugh and lots of people think I'm funny. I can be dry and sarcastic at times and some people don't get my sense of humor. "Being funny" is a subjective thing and what's funny to some is not to others and I get that. The important thing here is that I want to think my partner is funny and in turn she thinks I'm funny. In general women place a premium on humor and I feel the same way. It's important to me that I'm with someone that thinks I'm funny and I need to feel the same way about her.
Caring
I care deeply about the people in my life and I want the same from my partner. I need her to care about me and my feelings and be in tune with what I need. I need her to care about herself, me and our relationship. I need her to care for my sensitive side and take care of me emotionally. In turn, I will do the same.
Loving
Being "loving" is another one of those complicated things, particularly in a D/s relationship. For example, I consider orgasm denial a loving act. Vanilla people wouldn't really understand how that can be loving. I need to be loved and to have that love manifested through not just words, but also actions. I need my mistress wife to love me in our vanilla and our D/s lives and understand that I need to feel and see the manifestation of that love. As a submissive I feel love when disciplined, controlled and reminded of my place in the relationship.
Sexy
Of course being sexy means different things to different people. Some things I find sexy are:
-Dominance. I love powerful women and I like to be dominated and controlled. I like being given rules and tasks and controlled sexually through things like edging, orgasm denial, CBT, anal training, teasing, spankings, etc.
-Embracing the feminine. I'd love to be with a mistress wife who likes girly things like makeup, clothes, shoes, etc. and likes to dress in a way that she considers sexy. I'd also like her to include me in that and encourage my feminine side. I'd like to have spa days with her, pick out clothes together, have dress up days, etc.
-Embracing the power of words. I'm very verbal and I mentally get turned on by sexual words. I love to talk about fantasies, past sexual experiences, sexual plans for the future, etc. I also like to be verbally treated like a girl.
-Confidence.
-Being open about sex. I adore women who enjoy sex and want to talk about and act out their sexual fantasies. Of course some things need to remain a fantasy for the sake of safety and protection of the relationship.
-Flirting.
-Goddess-like tendencies. I want to objectify my mistress wife and have her objectify me. I want to put her on a pedestal and in turn have her feel as if she deserves to be there. I allow her to be my goddess and she allows me to submit to her and serve her.
-Communication in all aspects of our lives. I need to be encouraged to discuss our relationship.
-Engaging in sex play. Sex is so much more than the physical. I find women extremely sexy that enjoy infusing sexual overtones in to every day life. Making washing the dishes sexy is a tall order for some women, but it is possible! Infusing sex in to every day life and playing sexy games that don't end up with actual physical sex is a turn on for me.
-Rituals. In both a IRL and and D/s context.
This is by no means an exhaustive list. I'm just trying to give examples of non-physical things that are sexy to me.
Sexual
I want to be with someone that is, by nature, sexual. I want someone that embraces her sexuality and mine. I want someone that has at least a moderately high sexual drive and enjoys being sexual with me. I'd prefer to have a partner that is multi-orgasmic if at all possible. I'm open to the discussion about bringing others in to our relationship sexually if that is what she wants. I'm not saying that is necessarily what I want or need, but if that is what my wife wants/needs then I'm open to discussing it.
I want to be with someone that wants me physically and mentally and likes sexual things like touching, kissing, etc.
Sexually adventurous
I want to have a partner that is interested in being sexually adventurous both inside and outside of the bedroom. I am a rule bound person that doesn't particularly like change in my life. But I know that change (in general) is a good thing and keeping things sexually interesting is fun for me. It's more about the trying than about the results. I've tried many sexual games, but I feel as if I've only touched the tip of the iceberg in that area. I want to try new things even while knowing that I won't particularly like some of those things. I want a partner who is willing to push boundaries with me and herself.
Hetero-flexible (at minimum)
I know that this is potentially a deal-breaker for a lot of women and I think it probably is for me too. I need to make my position perfectly clear on this because I think it speaks to the core of who I want to be and what I want from a partner. I need my partner to be at least hetero-flexible mentally, although not necessarily in practice. The reason I say that is because I need to be with someone that is attracted to girls and finds them sexy. I'm not at all saying that my partner needs to actively be with women sexually if that's not what she wants. She doesn't have to be a flexible lesbian, bi or anything like that in practice. But she does need to be turned on by women.
I say this because I don't want to be just tolerated. I want my partner to want me girly and have her be turned on by those aspects of me both in and out of the bedroom. I need my partner to be excited by treating me as the girl I like to be both in and out of the bedroom and find that sexy. I need her to be turned on by the feminine and be attracted to the idea of a boy being feminized in all aspects of life. I need to be with someone who wants me this way and prefers me this way.
If all of the above happens, how can my partner not be attracted to girls? It only makes logical sense that she has to be to achieve what I'm writing about above. Of course that doesn't mean that she has to act on those feelings with anyone else outside of me (but if she wanted that then I'm open to the discussion). The bottom line for me is that I want to be appreciated, loved and be attractive to my partner and have her want me to be feminized. I want to be encouraged to be girly because she wants me this way.
Action-oriented
I need to be with someone that takes action in her life and ours. I need to be with some that is goal-oriented and puts in to action her desires for herself, me and our relationship. I need her to control me through her actions both in and out of the bedroom. I need to have rituals and protocols (the levels are negotiable) that are put in to practice by her. I need her to follow through on her words to me with action and be accountable. She will have the same expectations of me. I need her to require my service and ensure I meet expectations. And I if don't then she takes action to correct my behavior. My actions=my agreed upon service at a high level. Her actions=putting in to practice what she wants from our relationship and ensuring my service is performed at the level that is agreed upon.
One of my favorite Domme's on the internet, Lady Grey, has written on more than one occasion that it is "95% on the dominant to keep the relationship fresh and on track". I wholeheartedly agree with that statement. I see it like this: it is the Dominant's job to dominate and the submissive's job to to submit. The dominant needs to direct both in and out of the bedroom by constructing daily life, whatever that may look like. The submissive needs to submit to the wishes and demands of the dominant and perform good service. I want to do many of the things that other submissives want to do: engage in fun D/s games, be collared in some fashion, perform daily service, perform rituals, be verbally stimulated, etc. (all of which is negotiable as to the level of intensity). I want to be engaged in the doing of things. I need my mistress to be engaged in the practice of actively directing her actions, my actions and our relationship.
I'll say here that, yes, I am needy and want attention. But I do not need 24/7 attention and I don't act out when I don't get 24/7 attention. I do get pouty when I feel neglected, but as long as I feel taken care of submissively then I'm a generally very happy and content girl. I'm a very capable person and I can work to meet goals independently without supervision. I need and want to show my mistress that I can and will build a life for us that she wants and I don't generally need a heavy hand to ensure that I meet expectations. I don't need to be micromanaged at every turn (although D/s games like that are fun at times!). But I do need to feel appreciated and encouraged to submit. And I feel that way when my mistress is taking action to ensure that I feel her dominance.
Detail-oriented
I need to be with a partner that gives her attention to the details of things. I consider myself a thoughtful, detail-oriented person and I need the same thing in a partner. I pay close attention to how I present myself physically and I like to be noticed. I want a partner that notices the effort I put in to how I present myself. I also try and live my life in service and my words and actions project my subservient place in the relationship. I need a partner that considers those words and actions important and acts in the same way from the dominant position. I need a dominant that believes that the details of our physical and emotional interactions on a D/s level are important to growing our relationship. I want to be held to a certain standard (whatever that may be) and be held accountable when I fail to perform as expected. I need to be with someone that believes that attention to detail is key to our relationship both in and out of the bedroom.
The above is why I want to have a D/s contract that spells out expectations in our relationship. I'd like to be under contract with my dominant and have that contract clearly spell out the expectations of both parties. I'd like that contract to have a finite end with an option to renew/revise on a set date. I'd like the contract to include regular meetings at set intervals to review the relationship and how it's functioning under the terms of the contract. For me, not having a contract is a deal breaker. I say this because in this type of relationship it is common for both parties to have hurt feelings and unmet expectations occur when things aren't clearly defined. I believe both parties have duties and it's best to have those duties and expectations clearly spelled out.
Open-minded
I need my mistress wife to be open-minded in our relationship (both vanilla and D/s) and liberal in her political leanings. I need her to be accepting of others and be open to trying new things in our relationship. I lean hard left politically and I need us to be on the same page.
Friendly
I need my dominant to be a friendly person in general and have me as her best friend. I need to be with someone that places a premium on manners and requires me to do the same. I want a dominant woman that considers me to be her best girlfriend, likes being around me and enjoys my company above all others. I need to consider my dominant the most important friend I have and in turn have her feel the same way about me.
Rule-oriented
I am a rule bound person and I need a partner that holds herself to the same standard. It's important for me to know boundaries and expectations and be held to them. I also need my partner to adhere to the rules and standards that have been set forth. Rules are important in life in and relationships in general, but they're particularly important in D/s relationships. They're important for the submissive so she can meet the standard of service and expectations set forth. They're important for the dominant so she can make her expectations clear and be able to correct the submissive when necessary. Rules are also important for the dominant to be able to live up to the submissive's expectations. Many subs have a bad habit of pushing the Domme too much to constantly do more and more on the D/s front; I have been guilty of this myself in the past. If the rules and expectations are clearly defined then the sub has clear parameters to operate within and won't have unreasonable expectations about where the relationship is and where it is going. Once again, this is where a contract is vital. A contract is used to clearly define rules and expectations that both parties need to adhere to so as to minimize unmet expectations and hurt feelings.
Honest
I need a partner that can be honest about her feelings and our relationship. I need her to be honest with me about what she wants from me, herself and our relationship. I need her to communicate her needs and talk to me about what she needs from me...even if it hurts. I need transparency in my relationship. I know that there are some things that I can't or don't want to be for my Domme. If she needs and/or really wants those things in her life then I need her to be honest with me about those things. If she needs to be with women sexually or needs an alpha male with a 8 inch cock then she needs to tell me that. Those are things I can never truly be and it will hurt my ego if she insists on those things, but being honest is more important overall than any hurt feelings I may have from having those kinds of conversations.
Trusting
I need a Domme that trusts me and that I trust. I need to trust and be trusted in our vanilla and our D/s relationship. An example from the sub side: chastity devices. I've used chastity devices in play before and I enjoyed it. There are many emotional and physical aspects to this kind of play that I enjoy and I'm curious about them in general. But I don't need them to keep my hands off the property of my Domme. If I surrender my lady parts then I don't need a device to keep me in line: if I give up the rights to those parts then my Domme can trust that I will exercise self control and keep my hands off of her property. And if for some reason I fail in this area then she can trust that I will be honest and tell her about the infraction. I'm just using this as an example, I'm not setting a hard limit here. If my Domme wants to keep me in chastity as a way of exerting control and/or because it turns her on then I'm open to that conversation.
An example from the Domme side: I need to be able to trust that my Domme is being open about what she desires from herself and from me. I need to trust that she is operating within the confines that have been set forth. If it is stated that all communication with outside parties has to be shared with the sub and the Domme has a secret relationship, then it goes without saying (although I'm saying it!) that the trust has been broken.
We both need to work hard to maintain the trust within our relationship.
Disciplined
I need a partner that is disciplined in her own life and requires the same of me. Nobody is perfect and we all "break the rules" on a daily basis. But I need someone that is generally a disciplined person in her life. I need someone that can stick to the plans that have been made and work to reach their goals, even knowing that perfection is unattainable. For example, I was raised in the South and I like to eat pretty much everything that is bad for me like fried foods, fatty pork, carbs, sugar, etc. But I also want a lean body, so I deny myself those foods and work out very hard to maintain my body. I do have cheat days where I eat what I want when I want to eat it though! But then I'm right back up on that wagon quickly getting back to eating what I should be eating!
I've never done most things in my life "half-assed"; I pride myself on the fact that I work hard to achieve my goals and I have the discipline necessary to get what I want. I need my Domme to have a relatively disciplined personality and correct herself when necessary and correct me when I need it.
Giving
I want a partner that has a giving nature. I am an extremely giving person and I'm not saying that she has to have the same level of giving as me. What I'm saying is that she needs to have an interest in giving me what I need submissively in a D/s context and emotionally in a vanilla context. A D/s relationship cannot survive in a vacuum, both the "D" and "s" parts are necessary to make a relationship work. I cannot be satisfied on an emotional level submissively if I give my submission and I'm not receiving dominance in return. Relationships are symbiotic and I need my Domme to be able to give me what I need (whatever that may look like for us). I need her to want to and be willing to give me and give herself what I and she needs to be fulfilled emotionally.
As I once read somewhere: "tease and denial without the tease is just denial".
Sane
I need someone that is rational. I don't need someone in my life that creates drama and sees that as reality. Head games are fun when everyone knows it's a game, not so much when they don't. I need a partner that has a level head and who knows what reality is. Women are generally more emotional than men and I enjoy that about them and embrace that and wouldn't want it any other way. I want a partner that feels things deeply and encourages me to do the same. But I need a Domme that knows the difference between emotions and facts.
Fair
I need a mistress that has a sense of fairness. In my ideal D/s relationship I give myself over to my mistress' wishes in all things. I follow her lead, put my own needs second to hers and allow her to punish as she sees fit. I need her to have a sense of fairness because she is in charge and makes the decisions. She values and encourages my input, but ultimately the final decision is hers and I must abide by her decisions. If I give up that control I need to trust that she is making fair decisions concerning me and our life. I'll give a punishment example that is NOT related to a game, this is real life.
Let's assume that we are living a 24/7 FLR lifestyle where I have duties and I'm corrected with some type of punishment if I fail to meet the standards put forth. Let's say my job is to do the dishes daily and ensure that the sink is clear of dirty dishes before bedtime. I have a proven track record of making this happen on a daily basis, but I fail to do so on a given day without being granted permission. My wife decides a punishment is in order (rightfully so) and decides that I will receive 50 lashes with the cane and be forced to kneel for 4 hours on my knees afterwards to contemplate the error of my ways. I receive this punishment after having established a proven track record of handling my business in this area. Is this a fair punishment? Does the punishment fit the crime? Not in my opinion.
I have no issue living under the rule of my goddess who has high standards and expectations and takes action to correct me when I've taken a misstep...that's actually what I want! But if I give over the power to punish then I need her to handle all aspects of our D/s and vanilla relationship with a sense of fairness.
Mature
First, I'm not saying that my Domme must be mature as far as a D/s relationship or FLR is concerned. Starting from scratch and building a relationship together with a partner that has no experience can definitely be a good thing. A person that wishes to be the lead in a FLR and have a D/s relationship is all that I require to get started.
What I mean by "mature" is that I need to be with someone that is grounded and has life experience, and that is usually commiserate with age (although not always). It's very difficult for me to envision a scenario wherein I fall in love with a woman in her early or mid 20's. And it's even more remote that I'd accept a woman that age or younger as my dominant. I need to have common interests with a partner to be in love. I need to respect my Domme and her life experience to give over control to her. I just don't see how those things can happen with someone younger than late 20's (as the youngest, even that young is a stretch).
I love to laugh, be silly, play games and chit-chat like many girls do. But I need to be with someone who has the life experience to connect with me on a deeper level. I need to be with an established woman who is capable of engaging me on a more mature level.
Understanding
I consider myself an understanding person and I need the same in my partner. In lots of ways I know that I don't fit in to a "perfect little box" and it's often difficult for me to reconcile who I want to be and what I am at times. I need to be with a person that understands who I am as a person and is forgiving of my limitations. I absolutely want to be pushed and molded in to submission and be required to provide superior service to my Domme. But I need to be with someone that can understand and accept my age and life experience and be aware that I do have physical limitations even though I am very physically fit.
Dominant
I need to be with a partner that wants to dominate and control me and not just in a play situation. I want someone that relishes the thought of having her partner give up control to her and wouldn't have it any other way. I need a Domme that is a leader and she needs to be in that position to be fulfilled. I'm not interested in switching in play or vanilla life and I need to be with someone who doesn't need that from me either. That's not to say that I wouldn't consider someone as a life partner that wanted/needed to switch in a play situation. But she would most likely have to seek that play elsewhere as being the top doesn't do a whole lot for me. I have been there, done that, and it doesn't do a lot for emotionally to take the lead in the bedroom. I do like pleasing my Domme and if I'm required to take the lead in the bedroom on occasion because that is what she wants I'll gladly do so at her behest because that is what she wants. But that is not the same as being the dominant, is it?
I need someone that wants to be in charge of herself and me in our 24/7 vanilla life. She needs to be the head of the household and all that entails: leading our family in all aspects (socially, domestically, financially, etc.). She decides when and how things operate and requires that I work diligently to complete my duties to make her life more fulfilled and easier to manage. She has the power to make final decisions for herself. me and us. She does seek my input and values my opinions, but ultimately she has the final decision making authority and wouldn't have it any other way.
I need someone that wants to be in charge of herself and me in our play time in the bedroom. She needs to dominate and it turns her on to know she owns me and my body and uses me for her and our pleasure.
