You're too smart and self-actualized to reconcile your need for a life of total power exchange, habitual humiliation, obeisance, devotion and inferiority, but you're unable to deny its Maslowian status. Finding someone capable of administering a relationship which synthesizes your well-earned strength with your heartfelt weakness is less difficult than you imagine. English includes a lot of words.
But first, a warning: what follows is heavily cerebral, and for all the rhetoric about the brain being our largest erogenous zone, epistemology and metacognition aren't sexy.
Then again, that sentence probably weeded out the ones who won't like this profile. Two birds!
So, you're familiar with the dichotomy of belief? That gap between what we each choose to believe and what we actually believe? Really? Great, I won't discuss it. Oh, all right; you've twisted my arm. The short form is this:
Being post-conventional thinkers, we each have a set of values that we espouse and a separate one by which we actually live. There's an overlap, of course, and the Venn diagram of our belief is pretty easy to map. There's also correlation between the size of that overlap and our overall life satisfaction, meaning those who live the way they think is right are happier. Honesty is fulfilling -- imagine that!
The trouble is, you don't believe the things you want to. You grew up smart and thoughtful, and there's never been a good reason to believe you're anyone's lesser. You are, provably, a strong, brilliant, wonderful woman, and you've only gotten better in your adulthood. You're eager to share yourself with a man who's as worthy as you, who can challenge you the way you hope to challenge him. To any observer, you and he deserve one another, and no less.
Another part of you doesn't want any of that. You want a man who isn't your match, but rather your empirical superior. You want to bow and scrape, to genuflect. You want to be degraded by his treatment because you want to deserve it. You want to be humiliated, demeaned, maltreated*, used and hurt. You want to demonstrate an inferiority you don't exhibit, to be enslaved to a superordinate peer, to devote your mind and soul to little more than the pleasure of another person, your whole life long.
How's your Venn diagram looking?
These feelings are ludicrously self-destructive, you've said, and it's easy to agree with you. Why should you want to be treated like an emotional doormat, a mental supplicant, an object, a fool? You've earned your value in life, and your ambitions for your personal development have never been base. Even in this, you want only to give yourself up to a man who's somehow "worthy" of an incredible slave – you're smart enough to hold the doublethink required by that reasoning, and you choose to do so because you need it to be true. For you, and for him, and for you.
Trust that doublethink, in fact, because it's the only way you're going to get what you want. How else can you be rightly proud of your intellect and thrilled when your mate makes you feel stupid? How else can you deserve your husband's systematic degradation and still be good enough to devote yourself to his service?
All the mind-contorting contradictions boil down to one: you've made yourself the equal of an incredible man, and the only way for you to be satisfied is as his dire inferior.
Take a breath.
You want one thing; you also want another, orthogonal thing. Yes, I get it. Have a cookie. What does that have to do with belief? The fact that your metric for self-actualization is fractured shouldn't impact your paradigm.
But, of course, it does. (You thought I came to this lectern unprepared? For shame.) Because, you've wished you believed differently. Of all the things you want, you want most of all to internalize that mentality of slavehood. You're tired of seeing your most deeply-held wishes as fantasies, as high-concept roleplay. You're too self-aware, you think, to believe what you wish you believed. You've outsmarted yourself.
Not so, not so! You've read the name of this profile, and if you're focused on trival minutia, you already see where I'm taking this narrative.
Here it is in practical terms. The life you've always dreamed about is easy to build, easy to maintain, and easy to live. It just isn't a challenge, no more so than any relationship. You simply need your mate to be as brilliant and self-aware as you are, and for him to manage your social contract as though his happiness depended on it (which, obviously, it does).
You realize, of course, I'm talking about myself. Hello.
My whole adult life, I've designed social systems. Not bureaucracies, but social contracts which create and promote particular behaviors in relationships. These are, in essence, consensual manipulations. This sort of methodology works best when there's overt and acknowledged buy-in (read: devotion), and the psychological nature of a romantic power exchange relationship is the most fertile ground I know.
We can talk about my background in this area one-on-one. Suffice to say, if you've read this far, you've certainly felt a measure of resonance with my words. (Or you just like to read. Thanks!) Let's see how far that resonance goes. Here are some aspects of the life I'm proposing.
- We're in love. Any vagaries of devotion, obligation, trust and limerence distill to this basic truth, an emotional undertone in all our interaction. Holding hands is for everyone. What does it feel like to you, this moment?
- We're married, you're enslaved. There's a wonderful wife-as-property subtext clinging to the institution that makes you wistful for some aspects of the vaunted 1950s ideal, and the social smokescreen a marriage conjures is excellent for covering our private life. How have you conflated the concepts "husband" and "owner?"
- We're devoted for life. Neither of us will ever be perfect, nor ever stop trying to be. We're in this for the long haul. We take the long view, forgiving each other our mistakes. Which forms of service will we phase out or transform in 30 years as we age?
- We're private about our dynamic. Complexity and deviance aside, it's nobody's business but our own. With what sort of people could we share our secret, were we to?
- We're in sync. The micromanagement of the early years gives way over time to your understanding of how I want you to act, to think, to opine, to speak. Pleasing me is your highest goal, and you're too smart and committed to do it poorly forever. You love for me to teach you something, to correct you and to make you right. How will you come to terms with my mind serving as your clearinghouse for truth?
- We're inequal. I degrade you because you need it, and I'm responsible for it. I expect you to keep up with me in conversation, to keep me engaged, with the knowledge that our conversations are for my enjoyment and your edification. You prioritize my desires over all but your basic needs, and you are ashamed to do otherwise even at my behest. What dignities are you most eager to sacrifice?
- We're self-aware. This life I've constructed for us requires attention in special ways. I manipulate you to keep you in the right state of mind; you perform rituals for the same reason, much the same as Islamic devotions. We have frequent talks about our relationship, and at my direction we tackle issues with dedicated aplomb. What emotions do you revisit when you think of me?
- We're physical. Tactile contact reaffirms our commitment to our dynamic. Casual violence is a means to an end. Sex is for my pleasure and control, and I know the ways to keep you mindful that your body is my property. Which of my mannerisms makes your skin tingle best?
- We're smart and wise. The right answer is always the best answer, and when we're wrong, we change our minds. Truth and morality are objective (if inscrutable). Happiness is a contentious discussion that ends in agreement. We are incensed by evil, touched by virtue, and ready for all that lies between. What do you believe so strongly that you don't know how to give up?
- We're hilarious. Tell me a joke.
I'll be adding to this monster in time. Meanwhile, if you have questions, I'll hear from you.